UPJOKE
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Two slices of bread got married.

The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

I never drink beer with an orange slice in it.

Except once in a Blue Moon.

A slice of bread stole a lot of money from the sandwich Mafia

so they set his house on fire as he was sleeping.

He's toast now.

You can lose weight by putting sliced bread on your head.

It's a loaf-hat-diet.

A slice of pie in Jamaica is $2.75 and a slice of pie in the Bahamas is $3.50

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?

Diabetes.

What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?

^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke

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What does a slice of bread say before it ejaculates?

"I'M GONNA CRUMB!!!!!"

My none-too-bright mate had an accident on a building site when a slate fell off the roof and sliced his ear off…

“Here it is” said one of the lads working with him holding up what looked like a bloody walkers ridge crisp.

My mate shook his head “No, that’s not it, mine had a pencil tucked behind it”

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Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."

The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request they go to the gold course. On the first tee the husband drives it ...

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A guy walked into a bar with a monkey

A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swall...

I asked my bartender if he had ever tried putting sliced oranges in a beer.

He replied, “Once in a blue moon.”

A Blonde went to buy a Pizza, Chef asked her, would you like it cut into 4 or 8 slices.?

Blonde replied, 4 please.

There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices.

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

I asked the baker if it was hard cutting the cake into equal slices

He said, "It's a piece of cake!"

The Captain's red shirt

Bored of living in poverty in the late 1700's, Finn decides he wants a slice of the pie in the high stakes world of pirates. He knows pirates dock down in the bay by his village, so once he spots them, he manages to sneak aboard one of the ships. He eventually gets discovered, and rather than throw ...

What do you call a slice of pizza with too much sauce.

Isosceles.

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Jack staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

The doctor asks him what happened.

“Well it was like this,” said Jack. “I was having a quiet game of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.<...

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A woman was reading Cosmo next to her husband…

“Walter,” she said.

Walter grunted; she continued “Let me read you this hot sex tip I just read in Cosmo. I think we should try it.”

“Girls, you know your boy toy has fun with you in the bedroom, and that he’s never going to complain. But even the hunkiest hunk can get tired of the...

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George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

What do you call 52 slices of bread?

A deck of carbs!

Did you see the news about the person they found dead in a bathtub full of milk with banana slices in the milk?

They think it was a cereal killer.

Chuck Norris can cut a slice of bread

.. in just one half.

A woman goes into an art gallery and sees two still-life pictures. Both are of a table laid for lunch with a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls and a plate of sliced ham. However, one picture is selling for $75 and the other for $100.

Curious, she goes to the gallery owner and asks him what the difference is between the two pictures. The owner points at the $100 painting and says, “You get more ham with that one.”

At the zoo I noticed a slice of toast in one of the enclosures.

I asked the keeper, 'How did that toast get into the cage?'

'It was bread in captivity' she replied.

Why didn't the cheese wantto get sliced?

It had grater plans

A spy stationed in a foreign country stopped responding to his handler.

A spy stationed in a foreign country stopped responding to his handler. After a while, the handler received a letter in the mail. It told her the spy has been compromised, but, before his capture, he'd snuck out some very important government secrets. He'd used the world's smallest memory card to co...

One day, you're the best thing since slice bread....

.....the next, you're toast.

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

Those are the pie rates of the carribean.

As a slice of stale bread, I used to hate mold.

But it's growing on me.

Two slices of bread are competing to see who would stay fresh the longest.

It ended in a stalemate.

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A mother of 100 children makes lunches for them for school.

She pulls out 5 bags of sliced bread and several spreads. She spreads butter on 12 of the bread slices, jam on 8 of them, peanut butter on 18, nutella on 12, more butter on 21 of them, nutella again on 6, jam on 3, and peanut butter on the rest of them. What did she spread the most?

Her legs!

I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes in oil... I asked him

I asked him “Are you the friar?”

He replied “No, I’m the chip monk...”

If Whole Foods sells sliced apples,

Is it false advertising?

I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices.

It was a Catcher in the Rye.

An old lady is at tea and her host asks "Would you care for a slice of cold pressed ox tongue?"

"Oh no," shudders the old lady, "I couldn't eat something that came out of an animal's mouth! Just an egg, please."

An ice cream, a creme brulee, and a slice of cheesecake joined the army, but they abandoned their fellow soldiers on their first deployment

They are wanted for dessertion

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A husband comes home to his wife after being fired from the pickle factory...

His wife asks him "So what happened?"

The husband explains "I often get bored at work and today my mind was wandering and I thought to myself 'what would happen if I stuck my penis inside the pickle slicer?'"

The wife is clearly blind-sided by this confession and doesn't know what to s...

Put some lettuce, sliced tomatoes, cucumber in front of a chicken, what does it see?

The chicken sees a salad!

Watching the latest episode of Forged in Fire. In the sharpness test, Doug Marcaida tested how much bread each blade would cut with just one slice...

The winner was so lucky he brought his 4-loaf cleaver.

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Cinderella Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving day had arrived. This particular family had fallen on hard times and had no hope for better. For their Thanksgiving dinner all they had was a slice of bread each and a small glass of tea. But they had each other, even if they were hungry. Suddenly in a poof of smoke a small , chubby li...

A man walks out of a restaurant alone on Valentine's day

A man walks out of a restaurant alone on Valentine's day. He just got dumped by his girlfriend some minutes before. A baker takes pity on him and gives him a slice of cake - entirely free.

That man is like me. He's lonely, but at least he got some cake!

Justin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Justin to pull over.

When Justin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Justin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"

He then went to Justin's car and cut up its leather seats.

When he turned aroun...

I was playing a zombie game, and sliced off a zombie’s left side.

It scared my wife pretty bad.

I assured her he’s all right.

[Long] There once was a homeless viking who sat in front of a bakery...

Every morning when the bakery opens, a sweet young woman would buy him a cup of coffee.

One day he wanted to find a way of repaying her kindness.

The bakery began a special promotion called "Cake of Chance".

Every day a random customer would receive a free slice of their special...

What's the difference between a slice of pizza and a hippie?

You don't have to take the crust off of a slice of pizza before you eat it.

I like how my local pizza place cuts my pizza into 6 slices instead of 8

I can't finish 8 slices

A pizza slice walks into a bar asking for a drink

The bartender says:
"Sorry, we don't serve food here"

A young couple are enjoying a round of golf when the wife slices a shot off the tee

The ball smashes through a window of a house at the edge of the course.

The husband says "we'd better go and apologise"

As they approach the house, the front door is open so they call out. A voice responds "hello" from upstairs.

They head upstairs where they find a man sitting o...

My wife left me because every tangerine I bought had exactly five slices

She said I didn't have six a peel.

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A slice of coconut cream pie is $2.50 in Barbados. It is $2.75 in Trinidad & Tobago. $3.25 on St. Thomas

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

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So a nun was at Confessional…

So a nun is at Confession and admits to the Mother Superior that she had cussed. Concerned, the Mother Superior asked her to explain the situation which caused her to swear.

“Well, last Saturday I decided to go play a game of golf and on the first hole, I took a mighty swing but the ball slic...

The last time I was down in Mexico, I saw something very peculiar; what I thought was a shrub covered in slices of pork...

I went for a closer look and one of the locals stopped me.

"Don't go down there, Señor..." he tells me, "... Eet might be a Hambush."

Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, and her brother Bill are at Mulder's house party. They all gather around a pizza box with only 3 slices left.

SCULLY: Mulder, there isn't enough for each of us to have two. You'll have to share.

MULDER: I want two. Bill, leave.

How many lawyers does it take to tile a roof?

It depends on how thinly you slice them

What does a Single Lemon have in Common with Rocky?



Sliced alone

I can't stand cheese slices...

...but I respect the Kraft

The inventor of sliced bread

Is likely the one that cut the cheese.

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Donating blood in high school for a slice of pizza

was the most crackhead shit ever

I prefer my sandwiches to have 3 slices of bread.

I'm looking for other people like that so we can start a club.

What do you call a couple of ants sharing a slice of pizza in Italy?

Romance

What did the sliced loaf say to the uncliced loaf?

OK bloomer.

Who decided to call them deli slices and not...

... Meat Thins?

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An auld fella from the west coast of Scotland is staying at a bed and breakfast in Cornwall.

On the first morning of his stay, the proprietor serves him a full English breakfast (sausages, bacon, black pudding, beans, mushrooms, tomatoes, fried slice and two pieces of bread and butter).

Later, as he’s about to go out, the proprietor asks him was the breakfast all to his liking.
...

New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered...

They're bread.

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Three Samurai are debating over who the best swordsman is...

As they stand around debating, one of the samurai notices a fly buzzing around. He removes his sword from its sheath, swings it quickly through the air with a deft swipe, and re-sheathes it. The other two samurai watch as the fly falls to the floor cut in half.

The second samurai says, "That'...

Name’s Juan

Names Juan. A few years ago I’d been living with my girlfriend in her apartment. I’ve been into video games since I was a kid and never took a real interest in learning practical things like how to hit a nail with a hammer. Girlfriend and I met in college and since graduating and moving in together ...

I always take life with a grain of salt...

Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine.

He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!


Joe immediate...

I baked a cake shaped like Canada, and offered my brother the Quebec slice....

but he's having Nunavut.

A man and woman get married

(An old Jewish joke)

A few weeks into the relationship, she decides to make a delicious roast for dinner. As the husband walks into the kitchen, he sees her slice off a couple inches off each side and toss them into the trash.

"Why did you throw them out? Were they bad?"

"No," ...

I just ate a sandwich with slices from two different kinds of bread

It was a cross-bread sandwich

I’ve heard one beer = 7 slices of bread

I ate a whole loaf and I’m not drunk yet.
Did I do it wrong?

You know those slices of American cheese you get from the supermarket? You're not going to be able to buy those anymore.

Since Trump is going to make America grate again, apparently.

I'll never understand how Americans use cheese from tubes or slices as everyday food...

We should definitely make America grate again.

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist Monk and an Atheist walk into a bar

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lord in heaven and live in paradise for all of eternity. I do not curse, I for...

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The Queen and the Metal Panties

One day the king had to go for a year-long expedition and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help. The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle. "Why doesn't that just defeat the w...

I need to have at least one slice of toast on me at all times

I’m lack toast intolerant

I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...

turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.

What do you call a hypothetically sliced apple?

A core concept.

-Have you heard of Murphy's Law

\-Yes, anything can go wrong will go wrong

\-What's about Cole's law?

\-No

\-It's a thin-slice cabbage dripped in mayonnaise and sour cream

My Gran fell asleep last night with a cigarette in her hand. That woman was the best thing since sliced bread.

Now she’s toast.

Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ...

I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is.

Damn girl, you're like the first slice in a loaf of bread

Everyone touches you but nobody wants you.

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Playing golf and sliced into a field of buttercups.

As I was ready to hit I heard a voice that said “don’t hurt any buttercups”

I asked “who are you?”

“I’m Mother Nature, if you can chip out of this field of buttercups without harming a single one, I will guarantee you have butter everyday for the rest of your life”

I responded “...

Tutankhamen: If you find ten guys to help, I'll cut you in on a slice of the treasure

Slave: This sounds like a pyramid scheme

Tutankhamen: A what?

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An Old Joke

The year is 2120, and our story follows Joe McFlinch and his journey to overcome his inner demons. 'Who is Joe?', you may be wondering. Well, Joe is a cowardly 29 year old male. He has no special talents or skills, no hobbies, and most sadly, no friends. If I were to describe him as a dish, he would...

Why did the teddy bear turn down a slice of cake

Because it was stuffed

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The incredible trainer

It was a busy day at the bar. A lot of costumers were enjoying their breakfast. Until the door slammed open.
A shady trench coat with an almost as shady wearer appeared in the doorframe, a big bulge in both pockets. He approached the counter, as silent as the entire bar, exchanging glares with ...

I was fired from my job in a restaurant kitchen for refusing to slice up one of the condiments with a knife...

I just didn't cut the mustard.

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