A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

I can't stand cheese slices...

...but I respect the Kraft

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A slice of coconut cream pie is $2.50 in Barbados. It is $2.75 in Trinidad & Tobago. $3.25 on St. Thomas

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, and her brother Bill are at Mulder's house party. They all gather around a pizza box with only 3 slices left.

SCULLY: Mulder, there isn't enough for each of us to have two. You'll have to share.

MULDER: I want two. Bill, leave.

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

Those are the pie rates of the carribean.

At the zoo I noticed a slice of toast in one of the enclosures.

I asked the keeper, 'How did that toast get into the cage?'

'It was bread in captivity' she replied.

I need to have at least one slice of toast on me at all times

I’m lack toast intolerant

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

What do you call a couple of ants sharing a slice of pizza in Italy?

Romance

Someone asked if I ever put an orange slice in my beer.

Once, in a Blue Moon.

I found enlightenment after eating slices of a cold garlic sausage made from a breed of South American camelid

all thanks to the deli llama

Why did the teddy bear turn down a slice of cake

Because it was stuffed

Tutankhamen: If you find ten guys to help, I'll cut you in on a slice of the treasure

Slave: This sounds like a pyramid scheme

Tutankhamen: A what?

I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...

turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.

I saw a man at the grocery store flinging slices of American cheese into the air.

He then started chugging cartons of milk right off the shelf.

After that he started smashing containers of yogurt open on his forehead.

It was shocking. All I could think was “how dare he!”

I’ve heard one beer = 7 slices of bread

I ate a whole loaf and I’m not drunk yet.
Did I do it wrong?

How do you congratulate a slice of bread on his wedding day?

Toast him

Would you like the pizza cut into eight or twelve slices?

Just eight, I don't think I could eat twelve!

Whenever I see a commercial with a woman looking fully relaxed in a tub with 2 round slices of cucumber on her eyes ...

I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is.

You know those slices of American cheese you get from the supermarket? You're not going to be able to buy those anymore.

Since Trump is going to make America grate again, apparently.

Did you hear the two slices of bread broke up?

I wonder rye.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between sex and a slice of pizza?

It takes me longer to eat the pizza

I'll never understand how Americans use cheese from tubes or slices as everyday food...

We should definitely make America grate again.

Two Slices in a Ham Sandwich Marry Each Other.

I bet their children will be inbread.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got fired for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer at work.

She got fired too.

I was fired from my job in a restaurant kitchen for refusing to slice up one of the condiments with a knife...

I just didn't cut the mustard.

What did the slice of bacon say to the tomato?

Lettuce be together now!

I baked a cake shaped like Canada, and offered my brother the Quebec slice....

but he's having Nunavut.

Why didn't the two slices of bread talk?

Because there was beef between them!


> I was arguing with my girlfriend about what constitutes a sandwich. One thing lead to another and this corny joke was born. It's probably been said before. Enjoy!

Does anyone else love thick sandwiches with three slices of bread and two layers of filling?

We should make a club.

What do you call a slice of a pickle that's not an edge slice?

A mid-dill slice

Damn girl, you're like the first slice in a loaf of bread

Everyone touches you but nobody wants you.

As soon as you take a single slice of pizza...

...there's no longer enough to go around.

I taped a slice of bread on the ceiling.

And that's how you start a rave party in Ethiopia.

A slice of ham and a slice of cheese walk into a bar

They ask the bartender for 2 beers. "Sorry we don't serve food here" replied the bartender.

Who was the roundest member of Sir Arthurs round table?

Sir Cumference.


He at too much Pi.


He ate approximately 3.142 slices

What do Mexicans use to slice pizza?

Little Caesers

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

A cat eats a slice of swiss cheese...

and sits by the mousetrap with baited breath.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The devil was feeling generous one day

So he decided to give three guys a chance to leave hell and make it to heaven.

"See that ladder over there?" he asked them, pointing to an ornate golden ladder reaching up out of the flames and into white fluffy clouds beyond.

"If you can make it to the top without laughing, I'll let h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 10 year old boy sees a sign for a brothel and not knowing what it was asks his father about it.

The father, not feeling like talking about sex with his son yet says it's a place where men go to get what they want for a sum of money.

The son is intrigued and saves up some money for a month.

He goes to the brothel and is greeted by the front door hostess.

Hostess: *aren't y...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I go to the butchers the other day,

and I say to the butcher, "Hi there, I'm looking for Dan. He told me he works for you."
The butcher says, "Not any more he doesn't. I fired him yesterday."
"You fired him? What for?"
"I caught him round back with his dick in the bacon slicer."
"He had his *dick* inside the bacon slicer?"...

I’m getting totally fed up with people whinging about the prices of things.

£1.25 for a Tea, £1.75 for a Coffee, £2 for a slice of cake and £2.50 for car parking.

Any more complaints and I will stop inviting people round to my house.

Apologies to any lawyers on Reddit

What do you call 100 dead lawyers on the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

What do you call three lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thinly you slice them.

A man was out golfing o...

My granddad had my sides busting with this one over Christmas!

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dad is driving with his 5 year old kid. The kid sees a prostitute

"Who's that lady, daddy?" Asks the kid

"She's uhh... a saleswoman"

"What does she sell?"

"Uhh... Happiness"

When they get home the kid takes all of his money from his piggy bank and goes to the prostitute.

"Hi i want to buy some happiness"

The prostitute loo...

There once was a right-handed girl who tried her best to be left-handed every now and then...

There once was a right-handed girl who tried her best to be left-handed every now and then. She felt hungry one morning and went to her kitchen to make a ham and cheese toastie.

She thought this would be a good time to practise using her left hand. However things didn't go well: she cut her f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jesus and Moses are golfing in a threesome.

Moses tees off first and uncorks a high sailing slice. The ball plops into the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, Moses walks to the edge of the lake, raises his club, and the waters part. Moses chips onto the green.

Jesus tees off next. He blades a worm-burner that heads for the lake, skipping ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cucumber, a pickle and a pecker were hangin out together...

they talked, and stumbled upon the topic of their demise.

Cucumber: My end sucks, when I get big, thick and juicy, they slice me up for their salads.

Pickle: wAhWaH. When I get big, thick and juicy, they grind me up into bottles for their burders.

Pecker: That ain't shit! When ...

A Blonde orders a pizza

and the man taking the order asks, "Do you want it cut into 6 slices or 12?"

The Blonde replies, "You better make it 6; I could never eat 12."

Kevin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive

when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Kevin to pull over.

When Kevin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Kevin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE...

Two hunters lost in the woods

They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a su...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate meets a stranger one day, and is very curious about the pirate's injuries.

The stranger looks down at the pirate's legs, and asks, "Say, why do you have a wooden leg?"

The pirate replies, "Ya see, we we're fightin' some other ship down yonder and a canonball from the enemies struck my leg and wiped it clean off!"

The stranger was interested, and noticed the p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young couple who saved themselves for marriage were about to tie the knot

The night before their nuptials, the bride confided in her maid of honor about her concerns.

"I lied and told him I was a virgin, and now I am afraid he'll find out!"

"Don't worry," her friend told her. "This is what you do: go to the butcher and get him to slice you a nice thin piece...

A woman was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.

She was brought before the judge who asked, “How many peach slices were in the can?”

“Six,” she replied.

“Ok, I’ll give you six days.”

Her husband, seated court, raised his hand and said, “Your honor, she also stole a bag of rice.”

Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey

Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?

Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...

Brutus: I ate 2 slices.

Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?

Too Much Information

"Hello! Is this Gordon's Pizza?"
"No sir, it's Google's Pizza."


"Did I dial the wrong number?
"No sir, Google bought the pizza store."


"Oh, alright then. I’d like to place an order please."
"Okay sir, do you want the usual?"


"The usual? You know...

An old man is lying on his deathbed

An old man is lying on his deathbed, when he smells the delicious aroma of freshly-baked apple pie. He calls over his grandson and whispers, "Boy, go ask your grandma for a slice of that pie."

The boy scampers off and returns a minute later, replying, "Grandma says no, it's for after the fune...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've decided to start a pie delivery service from my car.

Apple pie is $3.75 / slice, cherry is $4.25, and banana cream pie is $4.75. Those are the pie rates of the car-I-be-in.

---------

There, did I manage to ruin both jokes?

Did you know communist countries have the best bakers in the world?

People will line up for miles just to get a slice of their bread.

An old man was staying in a hotel and went for breakfast at the restaurant.

The waiter asked him what he’d like for breakfast and the old man replies:

“I want porridge but it must be lumpy and under cooked, then I want some bacon , eggs and toast but the bacon must be burnt to a crisp, the eggs must be runny and snotty and the toast I want 1 slice very soggy and the ...

A kindly old man is walking by the seaside when he sees three lovely young ladies crying their eyes out.

So he says, "Dear me, you poor things, so miserable on such a lovely day as this! Come and have a cup of tea and let's see if we can't make you feel better."

Won over by his twinkly-eyed charm, the three young ladies manage to dry their eyes and they follow him to a chintzy little seaside c...

Once upon a time there were two youths in love

Once upon a time there were two youths in love. They met in grade school and instantly knew that they would be married and be with each other forever. Their families became close friends and as they grew older it became more and more obvious to everyone that they were destined to be together.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The golf lesson

A woman is getting a golf lesson from a pro. Despite every way he tries to explain it to her, she just can’t get her grip right, and slices the ball again and again. Finally, the exasperated pro say “Look - just pretend the golf club is your husband’s penis”. The woman steps up to the tee and hits a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny is playing upstairs, he gets hungry so he goes to the kitchen and hears his parents arguing.

His dad calls his mom a bitch and his mom calls his dad a bastard. His dad storms out of the room so Johnny figures it's ok to go in, he decides to ask his mom about the new words he heard. His mom is taken aback, but she thinks quickly and tells him that a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a gentlem...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There once was a police dog...

The K-9 unit had decided to get some new dogs to sniff out drugs and the like. One of them happened to have an exceptional talent for this, and while training this dog, several notorious local drug dealers had already been caught. Eventually, the dog was assigned to a cop, and the cop named the dog ...

The Samurai Contest

Three Samurais were arguing which of them was the best Samurai out of the three. Each believed they were the best. In the middle of their discussion, a fly comes in through the window and starts buzzing around them. Getting an idea, the first samurai takes out his sword and slashes through the air! ...

An Englishman, Scotsman and Donald Trump are in the Sahara desert (see, I’ve changed it so it’s current)...

The Englishman is carrying an umbrella, the Scot is holding a cucumber and Trump is carrying a car door.
A Bedouin approaches and asks why the Englishman has an umbrella in the desert. The man replies. “Well, when it gets really hot, I put up my brolly and I can keep cool in the shade.”
The Be...

Two young brothers are talking about swearing...

The older boy says "I'll show you swearing tomorrow morning at breakfast; just see if I don't."

At the breakfast table the following morning their mother asks the older boy what he'd like for his breakfast.

He replies "Well- I quite fancy f\*\*\*ing Coco-Pops today, mother." and grinne...

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