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Slice Jokes

After trying many fruits and vegetables in my kids lunch, their favourite by far was sliced cucumber.

I don’t know if it was our source, or our fridge, but they only really stayed fresh for a few days. This meant that at least twice a week I was stopping at the corner grocery store to just grab a couple cucumbers.

After a couple months it became obvious that I kept buying them from the same c...

In Jamaica, a slice of pie costs $3.50. In the Bahamas, a slice of pie costs $5.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?

Diabetes.

What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?

^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke

A slice of pie in Jamaica is $2.00. A slice of pie in Barbados is $2.50. And a slice of pie in Trinidad and Tobago is $5.00.

These are the Pie-rates of the Carribean.

Two slices of bread got married.

The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

A slice of bread stole a lot of money from the sandwich Mafia

so they set his house on fire as he was sleeping.

He's toast now.

A slice of Apple Pie is $2.50 in Jamaica, $2.75 in Aruba and $3.00 in the Bahamas

Those are the the pie rates of the Caribbean

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in cuba for $1.50 and in jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?

Those are the pie rates of the carribean.

Golfer slices a shot into traffic,

The ball goes through the drivers window of a school bus, into the drivers ear.. he crashes the bus into a crowded store...
Later, the cops interview him:
"You just killed 7 and injured 18. What do you intend to do about it?"
He replies: "I'm gonna choke up on my club and shorten my swing.....

Everyone’s heard of Cunningham’s Law - “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong”. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?

It’s thinly slice cabbage and mayo.

I never drink beer with an orange slice in it.

Except once in a Blue Moon.

My buddy asked me if I’d ever tried a slice of orange in my beer.

I told him “Once in a Blue Moon”.

What do you call 52 slices of bread?

A deck of carbs!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

I was at an Arab carvery one time and I ordered a slice of camel.

"Certainly, sir," said the attendant. "One hump or two?"

Somebody made a cake shaped like Canada, and sliced it to match the province/territory borders

I said I wanted the largest piece, but they told me I could have none of it

My son asked if he could have the last slice of cake in the fridge.

I said sure, but he’d probably be more comfortable eating it in the dining room.



Oops, cake day repost.

Just back from the zoo. Saw a slice of toast lying in one of the enclosures.

It was bread in captivity.

A guy is playing golf with his wife...

They're on the 12th hole and the guy slices his tee shot right into the woods. He trudges into the woods, and locates his ball. it's in a little clearing, but there is a big barn between him and the green.

He takes a good look, and says, "Listen, honey, I think if you hold the barn door ope...

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What does a slice of bread say before it ejaculates?

"I'M GONNA CRUMB!!!!!"

A man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I took the Lord's name in vain while golfing."

"I understand, my son," the priest says. "I play the game as well, and it can be frustrating. What happened?"

"Well," the man says, "I hit my drive on the fifteenth green and it sliced to the right, into the trees."

"Was that when you did it?" The priest asked.

"No, the ball b...

You can lose weight by putting sliced bread on your head.

It's a loaf-hat-diet.

Why didn't the cheese wantto get sliced?

It had grater plans

One day, you're the best thing since slice bread....

.....the next, you're toast.

I can't stand cheese slices...

...but I respect the Kraft

The inventor of sliced bread

Is likely the one that cut the cheese.

I asked the baker if it was hard cutting the cake into equal slices

He said, "It's a piece of cake!"

If Whole Foods sells sliced apples,

Is it false advertising?

Golf

Three men are out on the golf course. The first tees off and slices the ball straight into the water hazard. The second man is like, “Oof, tough luck, Moses!”

Moses replies, “No worries.” He walks over, waves his driver at the water, and it parts. He finds his ball and plays on.

The se...

As a slice of stale bread, I used to hate mold.

But it's growing on me.

I hate to admit it, but my wife's cooking has seriously improved.

......that was best slice of soup I've ever had!

Two slices of bread are competing to see who would stay fresh the longest.

It ended in a stalemate.

What do you call a slice of a pickle that's not an edge slice?

A mid-dill slice

A pizza slice walks into a bar asking for a drink

The bartender says:
"Sorry, we don't serve food here"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between sex and a slice of pizza?

It takes me longer to eat the pizza

Chuck Norris can cut a slice of bread

.. in just one half.

A slice of ham and a slice of cheese walk into a bar

They ask the bartender for 2 beers. "Sorry we don't serve food here" replied the bartender.

Who decided to call them deli slices and not...

... Meat Thins?

A Blonde went for a pizza. The chef said would you like it cut into 4 slices or 8? Blonde said 4 please.

There is no way I could possibly eat 8 slices.

I prefer my sandwiches to have 3 slices of bread.

I'm looking for other people like that so we can start a club.

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A sliced shot into the buttercups

A man is playing golf and on the 3rd hole he slices his drive deep into the woods. He goes into the woods and he locates his golf ball in a patch of buttercup flowers. Now he has a decision to make. He can either play the ball where it lies and destroy the buttercups in the process or he can declare...

My wife left me because every tangerine I bought had exactly five slices

She said I didn't have six a peel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

Put some lettuce, sliced tomatoes, cucumber in front of a chicken, what does it see?

The chicken sees a salad!

Kevin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive

when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Kevin to pull over.

When Kevin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Kevin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE...

New types of sliced loaf aren't invented, or discovered...

They're bread.

What do you call a hypothetically sliced apple?

A core concept.

Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves.

As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in hands of a skeleton!
Joe immediately called out to his friend, "Jack, I've got trouble down here!"
"What's the matter?"
Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
"Bring me my wedge," Joe shouted.
"You can't get out of here wi...

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I got fired for sticking my dick in the pickle slicer at work.

She got fired too.

I’ve heard one beer = 7 slices of bread

I ate a whole loaf and I’m not drunk yet.
Did I do it wrong?

I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices.

It was a Catcher in the Rye.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A slice of coconut cream pie is $2.50 in Barbados. It is $2.75 in Trinidad & Tobago. $3.25 on St. Thomas

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Why didn't the two slices of bread talk?

Because there was beef between them!


> I was arguing with my girlfriend about what constitutes a sandwich. One thing lead to another and this corny joke was born. It's probably been said before. Enjoy!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Playing golf and sliced into a field of buttercups.

As I was ready to hit I heard a voice that said “don’t hurt any buttercups”

I asked “who are you?”

“I’m Mother Nature, if you can chip out of this field of buttercups without harming a single one, I will guarantee you have butter everyday for the rest of your life”

I responded “...

My none-too-bright mate had an accident on a building site when a slate fell off the roof and sliced his ear off…

“Here it is” said one of the lads working with him holding up what looked like a bloody walkers ridge crisp.

My mate shook his head “No, that’s not it, mine had a pencil tucked behind it”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen and the Metal Panties

One day the king had to go for a year long expedition, and knew his queen was going to have sex with everyone through the county, so he turned to his court magistrate for help.

The court magistrate showed the king a pair of metal panties, with a hole in the middle.

"Why, doesn't that j...

I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...

turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.

Why did the teddy bear turn down a slice of cake

Because it was stuffed

What do you call a couple of ants sharing a slice of pizza in Italy?

Romance

Did you see the news about the person they found dead in a bathtub full of milk with banana slices in the milk?

They think it was a cereal killer.

What do Mexicans use to slice pizza?

Little Caesers

An old lady is at tea and her host asks "Would you care for a slice of cold pressed ox tongue?"

"Oh no," shudders the old lady, "I couldn't eat something that came out of an animal's mouth! Just an egg, please."

A young couple are enjoying a round of golf when the wife slices a shot off the tee

The ball smashes through a window of a house at the edge of the course.

The husband says "we'd better go and apologise"

As they approach the house, the front door is open so they call out. A voice responds "hello" from upstairs.

They head upstairs where they find a man sitting o...

I just ate a sandwich with slices from two different kinds of bread

It was a cross-bread sandwich

I'll never understand how Americans use cheese from tubes or slices as everyday food...

We should definitely make America grate again.

A cat eats a slice of swiss cheese...

and sits by the mousetrap with baited breath.

I baked a cake shaped like Canada, and offered my brother the Quebec slice....

but he's having Nunavut.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get for spending four years with a bunch of virgins?

A slice of blue cake!!!

Damn girl, you're like the first slice in a loaf of bread

Everyone touches you but nobody wants you.

I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man cooking sliced potatoes in oil... I asked him

I asked him “Are you the friar?”

He replied “No, I’m the chip monk...”

Two Slices in a Ham Sandwich Marry Each Other.

I bet their children will be inbread.

As soon as you take a single slice of pizza...

...there's no longer enough to go around.

Two hunters lost in the woods

They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a su...

This is a tense election for the sliced cheese industry.

Trump wants to make America Grate again

"Mr. Cheese, it's time for you to be sliced up into little pieces."

"Oh grate!"

An ice cream, a creme brulee, and a slice of cheesecake joined the army, but they abandoned their fellow soldiers on their first deployment

They are wanted for dessertion

Watching the latest episode of Forged in Fire. In the sharpness test, Doug Marcaida tested how much bread each blade would cut with just one slice...

The winner was so lucky he brought his 4-loaf cleaver.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.

The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad,
that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My
hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden
yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That'...

Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, and her brother Bill are at Mulder's house party. They all gather around a pizza box with only 3 slices left.

SCULLY: Mulder, there isn't enough for each of us to have two. You'll have to share.

MULDER: I want two. Bill, leave.

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