On The Job Jokes - 52 Hilarious On The Job Jokes

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

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A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma...

What do you call a bunch of employees caught sleeping on the job?

A Dream Team.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

A Photographer was killed on the job.

His photography subjects tried to warn him but apparently a giant wheel of coagulated milk crushed him.

A nurse went to the hospital for her first day on the job

Due to a miscommunication she did not know the name of the ward she had been assigned. Instead she was told to take medicine to the ward since the supervisor was running late

Upon reaching the spot, she saw there were only 3 men in the hospital beds. Starting her shift, she began to hand out ...

First day on the job as a drugdealer

*giggles*

"We don't have coke, is Pepsi ok?

*gets stabbed*

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First day on the job

A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window.

For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ...

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Albert the village postman is retiring after 50 years on the job

So he puts on his satchel and collects his last mailbag from the post office, and sets out on his last round.

He drops off a few letters at the local library. The librarian smiles and presents him with a leather bound volume of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens: "Here you are, Albert. We...

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Sex on the job

Client: "Why did you have sex with her?!"

Employee: "*She was just lying there naked! What else was I supposed to do?"*

Client: "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Employee: "*I don't tell you how to do your job; don't tell me how to do mine!"*

Client: "You're the worst ...

What did Matthew McConaughey say on his first day on the job as a Judge?

All Rise All Rise All Rise

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A YOUNG SALEMAN'S FIRST DAY ON THE JOB.

A young guy from Iowa moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Iowa ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid...

Did you hear about the cemetery maintenance man who fell ill on the job?

He's in grave condition

An employee was drinking on the job

His boss saw him and said “Hey you can’t be drinking while you are working!”

The employee said “but I’m not working”

They both laughed and then he got fired.

Boss: "You've got to find a way to make fewer mistakes on the job"

Worker: "Ok, how about I come in later in the morning?"

Satan's first day on the job

Human: "So i get anything I want?"

Satan: "Absolutely."

Human: "You say all you want is my shoe?"

Satan: "Just the bottom part, but yes."

A police officer was assigned to hunt a dangerous cannibal on his first day on the job

All the more seasoned officers had already been eaten

My favorite question on the job interview with millenial is

What do you want to become after the burnout?

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First day on the job.

Fresh out of journalism school, the rookie journalist bounds up to the editor hungry for a story to go after.

The editor says I'll give you an easy one for your first day. Go out into the community and bring me back a feel good human interest story. We need a bit of cheering up!

The r...

First day on the job.

A young man was starting his first job as a bellhop. Keen to make a good impression he asked the supervisor for any tips. Be polite and address the customer by their name was the response. How do I know their names? the boy asked. Check the name tag on their luggage replied the supervisor.
<...

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Did you hear about the paperboy who used to masturbate on the job?

No? Really? Weird, it was all over the news.

Did you hear the one about the structural engineer's first day on the job?

It was riveting.

On a border patrol agent’s first day on the job...

...he’s checking people coming in and out of Mexico. At one point, a guy pulls up on a bicycle, and is wearing a large backpack.

“Aha!” says the agent to himself. “I’ve caught my first smuggler!”

He stops the guy and searches his backpack. He’s astounded to find nothing but rocks. The ...

Did you hear about the mailman who walked out on the job?

He abandoned his post.

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A guy starts his first day on the job at a sex shop...

when the manager says "I know it is your first day and I'm really sorry, but I have to run out and do some errands. Do you think you'll be ok?"

The guy says it is fine and it isn't long before he has his first customer, a white woman.

"Do you have any dildos?" she asked

"Yes ma...

A train conductor kills 2 people and is sentenced to the electric chair...

A train conductor ends up killing two people while on the job. He is found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair. When the day comes, he is asked what he would want for his last meal, and he requests a banana. After finishing his meal, he is strapped to the chair and electrocuted. However, by s...

First day on the job..

Patient: how bad is it?

Me: *forgetting the word for spine* you broke your bone rope.

A suicide bombers last day on the job...

is also his best day on the job.

Got fired from work for drinking on the job

They're strict about that sort of thing at the sperm bank.

The Soviet Union started to crack down on drinking while on the job...

The Soviet Union started to crack down on drinking while on the job. The Soviet official assigned to handle the problem entered one of the industrial plants where the problem was said to occur and asked a worker,

"Could you do your job if you drank a cup of vodka?"

"It would be a littl...

After five months on the job, a new employee believes he deserves a huge raise and decides to ask his boss.

“And how much of a raise do you want?” asks his boss.

“I’m thinking an extra $10,000 a year,” says the employee.

The boss nods. “Sounds about right. And what would you say to a package of ten weeks vacation, 20 paid holidays, and a company car leased every two years, say, a silver Cadi...

Yesterday was my first day on the job defusing bombs, and I had to cut some wires

Turns out, I’m colorblind

Familiarity on the job.

A manager in a large company noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a place you worked at before, but I do...

Boss: "If I catch you sleeping on the job again, you're fired!"

Me: "I understand. Won't happen again."

Boss: "Now go inventory the sheep."

Me: "Oh no!"

Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the jobs

now he's just a handyman!!

Carpenters should never drink on the job

They might go too far and get hammered.

My boss pulled me into his office. He sighed and said, "Look...when it comes to drinking on the job, I haven't got much tolerance."

"That's okay," I replied, "I was a rookie once too."

Why did the shepherd sleep on the job?

Because he was busy counting sheep.

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Mailman's last day on the job

A mailman is on his last day of the job after 20 years delivering the mail on the same route. He is going about his regular routine, when he is greeted at the door by a stunning blonde. She's wearing nothing more than a skimpy robe and beckons him inside. Without a word she leads him up the stairs a...

Paddy's first day on the job

A bunch of Englishmen see that it's an Irishman's first day on a construction site. Deciding to mess with him, they go "Hey, Paddy, since it's your first day, we want to know if you know your stuff. What's the difference between a joist and a girder?"

Paddy thinks for a moment before sayi...

A sewage worker has just started his first day on the job

He and his supervisor are standing over a manhole and the new guy begins to climb down.

Suddenly he looks up with a look of mild panic in his eyes and says,

"Wait, what happens if I fall in?"

His supervisor looks down and him and replies,

"Son, if you fall, urine over you...

First day on the job as a Wal-Mart Greeter.

So I finally landed a job as a Wal-Mart greeter, which is a good find for many retirees, unfortunately I lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all t...

After 40 years on the job, a mohel* is about to retire.

He's performed thousands of circumcisions and saved all the foreskins in a jar. He takes them to the best leatherworker in town and asks if he could do anything with them as a commemoration of his long career. "Sure, be back in two weeks."

Two weeks later the mohel returns, and the leatherw...

There was a big scandal at my school the other day, two students were suspended and teacher was fired for drinking on the job.

Homeschool is crazy.

A young pirate on his first day on the job was having an orientation with the captain.

The captain said, "So this meeting is nearly over, do you have any questions?"

The young pirate replied, "Yeah, I noticed there are no women on the ship. What should I do if I get urges?"

"Oh yeah. There's a barrel in the back of the ship with a hole in it. Just go to town on it whenev...

What's a mortician's least favorite day on the job?

Bring Your Kid to Work Day

Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I...

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What do you call a prostitutes first day on the job?

A Grand Opening

Today I came home to my wife crying because she was fired for drinking on the job

She worked at a sperm bank

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I was fired from my job as a mortician after I was caught having sex on the job

I guess it was the final nail in the coffin.

There was once the case of a licensed physician who was known for his harsh attitude on the job but he became markedly softer off of it.

It was also known as the curious case of Dr. Heckle and Mr. Chide.

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A young soldier was sent to the personnel office and assigned the task of registering recruits for life insurance.

Because of the cost, most soldiers didn't buy the life insurance, but after only 1 month on the job he had sold a record number of policies.

His captain noticed but thought it was a fluke. However, the following month, he doubled sales. A month later, when he set the army record for policies ...

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