UPJOKE
infromatforalongintothetoduringwithwhichsincebythata

Four doctors are talking. "The British doctor says, medicine is so advanced in Britain that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

I wa‌‌s crossin‌‌g th‌‌e stree‌‌t whe‌‌n ‌‌I suddenl‌‌y notice‌‌d m‌‌y e‌‌x gettin‌‌g ru‌‌n ove‌‌r b‌‌y ‌‌a bus‌‌

I though‌‌t t‌‌o myself‌‌, "Wow‌‌! Tha‌‌t coul‌‌d hav‌‌e bee‌‌n me!"

The‌‌n ‌‌I remembere‌‌d ‌‌I don't know how to driv‌‌e ‌‌a bus

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As a new adult I realized how bad inflation got when I paid for my first prostitute.

My grandpa used to say it something about how it was only "a penny for your thots".

Thinking about opening a bondage themed sandwich shop

Call that BLTDSM

An Irishman is walking on a beach when he stubs his toe on an old metal box

He opens the lid
And a Genie pops out and praises him for letting him out after 500 years…

He offers him a wish… and the Irishman says… every evening after dinner when I pee, I want to pee the finest Irish Whiskey…

Done says the genie and vanishes in a flash…

That evening af...

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A husband and wife are watching TV

A husband and wife are watching TV at home. The husband keeps switching channels, between golf and porn. Golf to porn, golf to porn, golf to porn.
This goes on for awhile, before the wife had enough and yells
,"Jesus Christ! Just leave it on porn! You already know how to play golf!"

A man has a sore throat and goes to the doctor...

Doctor: "Your tonsils gotta come out."

Patient: "I want a second opinion!"

Doctor: "Okay, I don't like your haircut."

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A Monsignor is in charge of a nunnery. He visits most every Sunday, gives mass, and takes confession.

On one such Sunday he is taking confession and is hearing the usual stuff from the nuns, taking the Lord's be name in vain, thinking impure thoughts, etc. All is going as expected until Sister Roberta walks in. She says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." The Monsignor says, "Unburden yourself....

I pulled my kid out of pre-school because they were indoctrinating him into a socialist liberal mindset

Today, his teacher was teaching him how to share.

Why does the Little Mermaid wear a seashell bra?

Because she outgrew her B shells.

A seven year old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama…

A seven year old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regu...

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Sex is like threading a needle.

It's easier to get in after a little lick.

What’s big and white and will kill you if it falls out a tree?

A freezer.

I wanted to tell a Chemistry joke…,

however thought that i wouldnt get a reaction…
It was supposed to be a Sodium joke, but Na.

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A man goes to his doctor for a penis enlargement. Doc says: "we can give you a 6"or 8" penis, but there's a difference of about $12,000." Man says: "Ok. let me discuss it with my wife."

Man goes back the next day and the doctor asks: "so what did you decide on, 6 or 8? The man says: "We're remodeling our kitchen."

A horse goes to the vet complaining about stomach pains.

After some tests, the vet confirms it's a parasite. He gives the horse a prescription and tells him to come back if the problem persists.

The horse looks at the prescription, and becomes visibly nervous. "A dewomer? Are you sure it's safe?"

"Positive," says the vet, "it's been tested o...

People often rank a person's attractiveness out of ten, but what is considered a ten in some states would be considered differently elsewhere.

For example an NY10 is typically tall and athletic but a DC10 is very plane.

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A man gets his wife's name tattooed on his pp (nswf)

A man goes to a tattoo shop to get his wife's name, "Wendy" tattooed on his pp

The tattoo artist agrees but says that it'll say "Wy" when he's soft and "Wendy" when it's hard. The man says he's fine with it and gets it.

A few weeks later he and his wife are on a vacation in Jamaica whe...

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Why did the prostitute give the diabetic a free blowjob?

She thought it'd be sweet.

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A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear

Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation....

my first wife was a mathematician

She was incredibly calculating.

Joke from a few years ago at work.

A few years ago a group of my coworkers were asking what the strings on corn is called.

I chimed in almost immediately and said "Ear hair."

A Chinese coin joke

Boy meets girl in a club. After the usual preliminaries and some vertical dancing, they go back to her place for the horizontal kind. As they are madly undressing each other, she sees he's wearing a Chinese coin on a leather cord around his neck. "What's this about, tiger?", she asks. He gives h...

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Nsfw: just heard a statistic that 33% of women are battered....

Which pisses me off. I've been eating mine raw the entire time.

What’s big and white and will kill you if it lands on you after falling from a tree?

My fat sister who likes climbing trees

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Three Russian alcoholics gather for a drink.

They pour each one a glass of vodka and drink half of it in one go. One of them, when he puts down his drink, doesn't see his buddies, but sees St. Peter surrounded by holy light.

“I can't die yet! I haven't even finished this glass!” - the alcoholic cries.

“Okay” says St. Peter. “I ...

A good lawyer, the Tooth-fairy, Santa Claus, and a homeless man are walking down the street,

They see a 100$ bill, who gets it?

The homeless man obviously, the rest are mythical creatures

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I know a man who tried to grow...

...dildoes on his land but ended up with problems with squatters.

Person One: [To a crowd] “Help! This is an emergency. Is anyone here a doctor?”

Person One: \[To a crowd\] “Help! This is an emergency. Is anyone here a doctor?”

Person Two: “I’m a doctor but I’m afraid of frivolous lawsuits.”

Person Three: “I’m a lawyer and I have a contract here that can protect you against most allegations of malpractice. But it will need to be...

What do you use to clean a pig?

Ham sanitizer

My girlfriend called me a pervert and a terrible historian

I said, "I am not a terrible historian....ask me the fate of Henry VIII's wife's". "Go on then" she replied.

...

"Divorced

Beheaded

Died

Divorced

Beheaded

Creampied"

A man put a condom on backwards.

#He went

A programmer had a problem. He thought to himself, “I know, I’ll solve it with threads!”

has Now problems. two he

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A group of first year medical students are gathered around a table with a naked cadaver on it…..

Their instructor motions for them to come close for their first 3 lessons of medical school.

“The first lesson is that you must not be afraid of the human body, alive or dead” he says as some of the students are visibly uncomfortable.

He then holds up a finger and says, “you must als...

What do a mermaid and a math teacher have in common?

Algae bra.

My wife and I were laying in bed watching a contortionist perform on a talent show.

As the lady went through her routine, I suggested to my wife that she should try becoming a contortionist. Without hesitation, she shouted "NO!"

I asked her to reconsider, suggesting ideas as they entered my creative mind. She immediately began yelling at me, calling me a pig, a dog, and even...

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

A polar bear walked into a bar.

"Two beers........... Please."

"Sure", said the bartender "but why the big pause?".

"I was born with them", said the bear.

A German in a Bar

A German walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender tells him : "20 euros!"

The German is shocked - "20 euros? yesterday it was only 3 euros !"

"Well, today it is 20 euros."

\- "But why 20, damn it?"

Bar tender : "I'll explain it,

\-3 euros is beer,...

I recently bought a toilet brush

Long story short, I'm switching back to paper...

Did you hear about the Russian wolf that wandered into Ukraine and got in a trap?

It chewed off three of it's legs and was still caught in the trap.

Making babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-t...

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A Vampire walks into a Bar

and asks for a pint of blood. The Barman says "we don't serve blood", so the Vampire orders a Guinness, and sits down.
Another Vampire enters the bar,and proceeds to the counter. He orders a pint of blood,is told the same,"we don't serve blood!!", so orders a Guinness, and sits next to the first ...

The King of the Jungle said he was a tiger

He's a lion.

I'm here with a man who lost his wife earlier today.

How careless of him.

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What’s a prostitute’s favourite snack?

Mixed nuts

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

I'm going on a Coca-Cola factory trip next week.

I hope there's no pop quiz.

What do you call a group of domestic abusers?

A Heard.

As a young man just starting out…

… I was very poor.

But, I never gave up. And today, after many years of hard work and perseverance…





… I am old.

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in yo...

What would two termites order at a restaurant?

Table for 2

Walking through Paris, I noticed a young man sitting on a bench sobbing. I sat down beside him and softly said, "le monde". He raised his head, looked me in the eyes and said,

"That means the world to me."

what do you call a mountain expecting a baby ?

Mountain Due

It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman.

Doesn't matter if it's Visa or Mastercard.

What do you call an area with a large amount of poor Italians?

The Spaghetto

A Bear tells Stories to his Grandchild

"Tell us about the time you nearly robbed a bank!", asks little Billy.

"Well," says the bear, "I walked into the bank with my gun and told everyone to put their hands up"

"Then what happened?" asked Billy

The bear, visibly scared, responds, "I don't know, they all got really big...

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An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are flying together in a plane.

The American gets up, goes to the window pulls a wad of money out of his pocket, and throws it out the window.

"In America, we have plenty of money. We can just throw it away."

The Russian, not to be outdone, rummages in his carry-on bag, pulls out a beautiful fur coat, and throws it o...

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We have just admitted a 43 year old man who came in with 9 plastic horses shoved up his rectum

We've listed his condition as 'stable'

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A married man's penis is like his car

He can park it wherever he wants, but there may be a price to pay later.

I wanted to find out more about my ancestors so I did a little digging and...

...got thrown out of the cemetery.

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One year, I had been a naughty child, and Santa left me a piece of coal.

So I poisoned his cookies.
But the sneaky bastard found out and killed my dad.

A woman walks in to a bar, says to the bartender, "Give me a double entendre."

So he gave it to her.

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A series of jokes because I never see the full set

Why are elephants so good at hiding in trees?

Because you never see them.

How do they hide in cherry trees?

They paint their balls red and climb up

What's the loudest sound in the Savannah?

A giraffe eating cherries.

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

A man walks into a bar

Instantly he is disqualified from the limbo contest.

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Prostitute Joke.

Man : How much for a blowjob?

Prostitute : Ummm $20

Man : Ohhh Damn, it was $80 for my friend. I guess
I am your favourite.

Prostitute : Cut it out, I charge $10 per inch.

What's a lawyer's favorite drink?

Subpoena colada

I'm not much of a hunter. but I managed to shoot my first turkey today!

Only problem is, now the supermarket says I'm banned for life...

A man gets pulled over by the police. When a policeman asks him to show his driving license, he responds "You need to cooperate."

The policeman asks him "What do you mean by "cooperate"?"

The driver replies "Well, last week one of you took my license away, and now you want me to show it!"

A redneck is hiking through the woods with two Native Americans

A redneck is hiking through the woods with two Native Americans. They happen across a cave. one of the Natives yells, "Whoop! Whoop!"

Another voice calls from the cave. "Whoop! Whoop!"

The man strips naked and runs into the cave.

"What was all that about?" The redneck asks...

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What do you call a group of blowjob enthusiasts?

A gaggle

God, creating ducks:

Waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo.

How does a nuclear physicist ask for a salary increase?

Gamma rays.

A rich guy and a poor guy were having lunch togheter

The rich guy was eating a delicious fancy meal while the poor guy only had slop.

**Poor guy**: "Hey, wanna swap ?"

**Rich guy**: "Why would I trade my delicacy for your slop ?"

**Poor guy**: "This isn't ordinary slop, it's a secret family recipe. Whoever eats it becomes smarter....

"Yesterday I had a huge fight with my wife...

...she complained I always prefer watching football matches instead of talking to her"

"Oh I'm sorry... so how did it end up"?

"2-0"

It used to be free.

Re-pumping up your car tyres at the gas station used to be free. Now, they've started charging $1 a minute to use the pump.

Why you ask?

Inflation.

When it comes to climate change

Denial ain't just a dry patch of sand in Egypt

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.

One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The ot...

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Mike got pulled over

Mike gets pulled over at about 11pm on his way home from dinner at his mother, the police office comes over and Mike rolls down the window

PO: do you know why I pulled you over?

Mike: no officer, why did you pull me over?

PO: I think you're drunk!

Mike: I assure you offic...

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Capitalization

It's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

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My premature ejaculation problem started when my other half dressed up as a superhero

Before I knew it I came in a Flash

A farmer and a necromancer sit in a bar and lament their suffering

Famer: raising a family is hard.

Necromancer: not if they're buried close enough to each other. With planning and skill, a single spell is all it takes

Farmer: what?

Necromancer: what?

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers. "Since when do you wear womens pants?"

"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

A toothless termite walked into a pub and asked...

"Is the bar tender here?"

What does a nosey pepper do?

Gets jalapeno business.

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I've been telling girls that recently I came into a lot of money

Jerking off onto an ATM doesn't have the same ring to it

A couple, after a rather successful first date and are heading back to the guy's apartment.

As the guy reaches for his keys, the girl says, "Oh, this part usually tells me how a guy is in bed. If a guy fumbles around trying to get the key into the lock, it means he hasn't had much experience and has no idea what he's doing, but if the guy just jams the key in, it means he's very forceful a...

hooker joke #1

So a man get $5 hooker .

The next day he realizes he has crabs ..

furious, the man goes back to the hooker and tells her " hey you gave me crabs wtf"

The hooker replies ...." It was $5 what u expect? Lobsters? .....

Non alcoholic beer is like a vibr@tor without the batteries.

It fills you up nicely, but without the buzz.

A large group of Russian invaders on the outskirts of Kharkiv are moving along the road, when suddenly from behind a small hill they hear a voice shout:

A large group of Russian invaders on the outskirts of Kharkiv are moving along the road, when suddenly from behind a small hill they hear a voice shout:

"One Ukrainian soldier is better than 10 Russians!"

The Russian commander orders a halt and his 10 best soldiers to go over the hill...

How do you identify a snitch?

There are usually some tell-tale signs.

What's the toughest part about eating a clock?

It's time consuming.

Why do pirates always carry a bar of soap?

So just in case they go overboard they can wash up on shore!

Arrrrgh

The other day, I ran out of apple juice

But I had a big box full of apples at home, so I thought I would try to make some myself.

I stared at that box for over an hour and nothing happened. Then I looked at the empty juice bottle again, and on the label it said "not from concentrate."

Boy did I feel foolish

I'm in prison and decided to start my career here as a standup comic

It helps to have a captive audience

Go Back To Africa

is what I say whenever I see a White Rhino.

What do you call a man falling down the stairs with a hard on?

Rock and roll

Driver

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat...

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A party of adventurers walks into an inn.

They start ordering rounds of ales one after another, and quickly end up very drunk.

Soon the fighter gets a bit rowdy, spills a guy's drink, and the two get into a drunken brawl. The landlord comes over and separates them, then throws the fighter out of the inn.

Not long after that, t...

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Essential medicine

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, ...

Some Engineering Teachers Sat In a Plane

A group of engineering teachers were invited to sit in a plane. Once everyone was comfortably seated, they were informed that the plane was built by their engineering students. Immediately, all the teachers scrambled to get out of the plane- all but one. When asked why, the teacher responded:
...

I was about to propose to my girlfriend...

... when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
...

The Genie

A man is working on a construction crew demolishing an old house.

Hidden inside a wall is an old oil lamp.
Thinking to himself, wouldn't it be interesting if there was a genie in this lamp.
Looking around to make sure none of his buddies are watching, least he make a fool of himself, h...

The erectile dysfunction society held a championship fund-raiser the other week...

...But no one made it past the semi-finals

Why can't Ray Charles drive a car?

He's dead.

What do you call a Mexican Jedi?

Obi-Juan

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Five shots

A guy goes to the bar and orders 5 shots of Whiskey....
....the bartender asks, “Is the rest of the party parking, or...?”

Guy replies, “No, actually, they’re all for me. Had my first blow job today.”

Bartender says, “No shit! Lemme line up a sixth, on the house!”

Guy says, “...

How many optometrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One or two?

One....or two?

One?........or two?

What’s a chef’s favorite spot?

The Marinara Trench

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I masturbated at church last Sunday

It was a real coming to Jesus moment

What do you call a cat with 8 heads?

An octopuss

How do you keep a fool in suspense?

I’ll tell you later…

What do you call a Jedi Italian pastry chef?

Obi Wan Cannoli

What do you call a beehive without an exit?

Unbelievable

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Some jerk glued every card in my deck together so now its just a block of cardboard.

I'm having trouble dealing with it.

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A boy dreams of one day working at his favorite sandwich shop.

And so, he asks the owner if he could see how the sandwiches are made. Delighted, the owner shows him how he grinds his own peanut butter, prepares his own pickles and even whips up his own mayonnaise. The boy is so excited that he blurts out his deepest wish--to see how the owner makes his signatu...

What do a person with celiac disease and a person teaching French have in common?

To them, bread is pain

Credit to my girlfriend

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

I've never bragged to my friends about making an enzyme.

I once swallowed a dictionary

I had thesaurus throat imaginable.

is this funny?

****THE TOILET SEAT****

My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.

Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came home and undressed to t...

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[NSFW] What do you call a doctor with a prosthetic penis made of wood?

Hickory dickory Doc.

Our local pizza guy has been arrested for selling drugs

I have been a loyal customer for years. I honestly had no idea he was selling pizzas

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What do you call a penis doctor?

A cocktor

I added Paul Walker as a friend on Xbox

…but he spends all his time on the dashboard.

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What does a therapist and a laxative have in common?

They both help you get that shit out of your system.

A father walks up to another father in a cemetery

Father 1 says: Why are you here

Father 2 says: My son died in a car crash trying to sneak out of the house to go to a party

Father 1 says: I can see why you grounded him

Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.

So Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Daffy turns to Elmer and says: “Is this Whiskey?”

Elmer says: “Yeth but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!!”

A salesman decided to venture into a new housing development.

He thought no other salesmen would have gone there because it was a new development. He wanted to be the first one, the early bird. So he knocked on the very first house that he saw there. A lady came and opened the door. Without giving her a chance to speak, he slipped into her house, took out A LO...

Is there a right way to discuss mutism?

Hard to say.

A man is about to jump off from a bridge

Just as he's about to take the final leap, a woman yells out at him in the distance.

"Wait! Hold on!"

He's startled, looks over. He sees a cute young woman running towards him, her face conveying deep emotion. She yells out "Wait, just hear me out!"

He's touched. No one has ever...

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What do you call a mean rooster?

Jerk chicken.

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i once appeared in a james bond porno movie

I was a bit nervous but did manage to cum on Q.

Where do you find a Himalayan cat?

You’ll find him-a-layin on the couch

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Professor of Logic: Norm Macdonald

Just the other week I had someone move next to me. Original neighbor died of cancer about a three month ago. So as the great neighbor I am I go to greet my new neighbor I say “Hey there uhh neighbor just dropping by to say hello, say what do you do for a living?”

He says “Nice to meet you. Im...

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend….

He was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, to...

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bank account.

Did you that sex is like a bank account, when you withdraw you lose interest.

What’s the best part about dating a homeless girl?

You can drop her off anywhere

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Who the biggest sl*t in the world

Ms. Pacman for a quarter that girl will gobble balls until she dies.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

It was a free range chicken.

A Cambridge student was sitting an exam...

A Cambridge student was sitting an exam in one of the University's oldest and most traditional schools.

Midway through, he leapt to his feet and loudly demanded a pint of ale.

The startled head examiner asked the student to explain himself immediately.

The student promptly cite...

A burglar entered into a religious woman's house

Once a wealthy old religious woman caught a burglar ransacking her things. She had lived her whole life as a celibate, almost like a nun.

”Listen lady, keep quiet if you don’t want to be hurt. Just tell me where your jewels are.”
She said, ”I don’t keep them here. They are in the bank in ...

My date wants to go somewhere expensive for the first date.

I think a trip to the gas station together will be most impressive in that case.

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What's the last thing you want to hear when you're giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?

"I'm not Willie Nelson"

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Second grade teacher asks her class to use the word "definitely" in a sentence

Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher calls on him. He asks "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher says, "Johnny, that's not a response to the question I asked."

Johnny repeats, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher gives in and says, "No - fart...

what happens when the night isn't young anymore?

It goes through a mid night crisis XD

I went to Oktoberfest last year, but there were no women

It turned out to be a real sausage fest.

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