A man waved at me, so I waved him back but apparently he was waving at a woman behind me, so I kept my hand up and stopped a taxi that took me to the airport.

I am now in Ireland starting a new life

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client

He says,

"John, I have some good news and some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The attorney said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will b...

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head."

"The bad news is it's brain cancer."

Play Ball!

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to...

“Well, unfortunately, I’ve got good news and I've got bad news.” “Gimme the good news first, Doc.”

“They’re going to name a disease after you.”

A boy desperately needs money to buy a new car

However, his mother forcibly tells him no. The boy, undeterred, decides to get a job to pay. He applies for many jobs, ranging from a mechanic to delivering newspapers. However, he is not accepted for any of them. Slowly, he gives up on his dream of buying a car.

Weeks later, the boy tells hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has been going to the doctor trying to make his penis larger

One day he is on his way to see this doctor when he loses control of his car and gets into a major accident

The car is claimed as a total loss and he is rushed to the hospital where he is pronounced dead

Thankfully, with hours of trying, the doctors are able to resuscitate him but he r...

Two Accountants

One day two accountants, who were best friends, were walking together down the street. One was a vegetarian and constantly berated the other for eating meat! After stopping for a hot dog, the vegetarian erupted "Why do you eat meat?, do you even know what's in that hot dog? You know, you are what yo...

Doctor: Do you want the good news first, or the bad news?

Man: Good news first please, doc!

Doctor: We’re naming a disease after you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all. Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.

Now it’s your turn to speak.

I asked my daughter for the news

I asked my daughter to bring me the newspaper. she said I'm too old fashioned and brought me her iPhone. Not getting too much into details, the fly is now dead, the iPhone is broken and my daughter is crying

What's common between anti-vaxx kids and this joke?

Both are going to die in new.

The Doctor says “I have bad news. You’re dying.” The man asks “how long do I have, Doc?” The Doctor says “10.” The man asks “10 what?”

The Doctor says “9...8....7....”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news.

"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is ...

Apparently if your girlfriend or wife says “ if anything happens to me.... I want you to meet someone new.”

“Anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding. During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.

"Harde...

Schrodinger took his cat to the vet.

The vet said, “I have good news and bad news.”

Can't wait to see Liam Neeson's new film

Taken: Out Of Context.

The new zookeeper was killed at work on his first day.

That’s why you shouldn’t lion your resume.

A Man Buys a New Corvette

While driving it off the lot he decides to take it on the highway and really open things up. He hits the speed limit of 70MPH and continues to accelerate. 75MPH... 80MPH.... and out of nowhere a siren and the flashing lights of a patrol car come into view of his rear-view mirror. Thinking his new ca...

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

At the time of his death, Steve Irwin was testing a new sunblock...

Turns out it doesn't protect against harmful rays.

I just invented a new word

I call it "Plagarism"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Italians enter the bus in New York and start very noisy conversation:

" .... 'em come first, then I come, two asses together, I come again, two asses together, then I pee, pee again and I come in the end... "

An old lady nereby can't stand it any longer and says:

" You pigs, what a shame to discuss your disgusting sexual life on public!!!! "

Itali...

The ice cream van thieves

Two bank thieves decided to plan their final job, a huge bank near the Sahara desert.

Their trick was to leave the crime scene in a ice - cream truck, this way the police never suspected them. This final heist however was to prove their last.

They arrived in an battered old minivan an...

I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000...

I can’t stand it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, Alex sees an ad in the newspaper that says “Circus Looking for New Talents”.

Alex says to himself, “Eh, what the hell. I’m pretty talented,” and calls the circus.
A lady answers him.

“Hello,” she says.

“Hi, is this the circus?”

“Yes.”

“I’ve heard you’re hiring.”

“You’ve heard correctly, sir. What is your name?”

“Alex.”

“Alr...

I got a new job at the zoo, circumcising elephants.

The pay isn't great but the tips are enormous.

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course...

A new report shows that a million of these people enter our country every year...

A new report shows that a million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Australians and our government is doing nothing to stop them and they even support them, not to mention they're dirty and t...

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

The doctor says to me, "I've got bad news and worse news"

Me: What's the bad news?

Doctor: You've got 24 hours to live.

Me: Then what's the worse news!?

Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.




"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"




The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

A foreign doctor opens a new clinic

A foreign doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."...

I asked my new friend to meet me at the gym, but they never showed up.

I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets a new job.

On his first day, the boss gives him the basic description of his duties, and he says, "No problem, boss. I know just what to do."

And sure enough, he does. The boss is amazed to see that he intuitively knows every process, where everything goes, how everything works, what everyone does.
<...

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the ...

A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph,

looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him...

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."

The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.

"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

One day a talented engineer was inspecting some work on top of a new high rise building when he slipped and fell to his death.

He goes to Heaven and walks up to the pearly gates. Saint Peter says “sorry, we aren’t letting anyone in today, you’ll have to go somewhere else.” Dismayed at his other prospects, the man goes to limbo for a while, but finds it incredibly boring. So he leaves and goes down to Hell.

There he ...

I heard on the news, that there was a guy in town stealing the wheels off police cars.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch him.

I wanted to make a joke out of Reposts...

...But then I realized it's nothing new

What did the cannible pirate wench say when she was offered somthing to eat?

No thanks I'm full of sea men

(told this before but died in New)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a new teacher of foreign language in Pepes class

The teacher writes sentences in foreign language on blackboard. Then she calls up the students one by one and asks them for translation until its Pepes turn. Before he can respond they can hear loud knocking.

It is a headmaster. As the teacher is new to her job and freshly graduated the head...

A dad is given bad news by a doctor

Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.

Dad: AND?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife go on a date to a new restaurant...

They are seated and after browsing the menu they both decide to order the soup of the day. When the waiter brings their soup the man knocks his spoon on the floor. "Whoops" he says and turns to the waiter "I'm terribly sorry but could I have another..." the waiter whips a fresh spoon out of his top ...

I heard that Justin Timberlake will be doing one of the voices in the new dark crystal series

He’s bringing skeksis back

A man was very fond of his new Corvette. So, he invited a Rabbi, a Priest, and a Pastor to come and bless it.

The Priest sprinkled the car with holy water and chanted in Latin, the Pastor invoked the name of god and led everyone into silent prayer, and the Rabbi sang a hymn and cut of the tip of the car’s tailpipe.

Bad News

A guy is in a doctors office. His doctor is there with him.


"I have two pieces of bad news," the doctor says.


"What are they?"


"Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."


"What's the 2nd piece of news?" he asks.


"Well, the 2nd piece...

Doctor: I have bad news for you. You’ll have to take one of these pills for the rest of your life.

Patient: But... Doctor... you had given me only three pills!?

Doctor: I told you it was bad news.

.

.

.

.











*Edit: I can’t correct the title but it should say “... take one of these pills **each day** for the rest o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've come up with a new capital punishment method: A meal that, once eaten, causes fatal diarrhea.

That way the offenders can eat, shit, and die.

A new bar opened up down the road that offered free Wi-Fi. I asked the bar keeper for the password and he said "two drink minimum"

So I quickly downed 2 shots and again asked for the password. He said "twodrinkminimum: all one word"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A New Zealander walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says....

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was ta...

I've decided to kill off the protagonist to the new book I'm writing.

That should spice things up in my autobiography.

Guy goes to the doctor, the doctor says: I have a bad news and a good news.

P: what is the bad news?

D: because of your condition you’ll have to live on a very strict diet. No chocolate or sweets, no fried stuff, no coffee, no meat, no bread, no milk and no milk products in general. You can eat only green vegetables. And you’ll have have to keep this diet for the res...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

The whole world should be worried that North Korea has a missile that can hit New York…

Because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere!

I'm new to drug jokes

But I'll take a crack at it

Doctor: “I’ve got very bad news - you’ve got cancer and Alzheimer’s.”

Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”

What does a near sighted gynecologist and a new puppy have in common?

A wet nose!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to...

Why is it so hot in New Orleans right now?

There’s no Brees

I bought a new thesaurus but it's terrible

Not only is it terrible but it's also terrible

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

*BREAKING NEWS* A baby is born without eyelids, and doctors use his foreskin to replace them.

The surgery was a success. The baby should make a full recovery, but he will always be a little cockeyed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An uneducated man decides to give college a second chance. He walks up to the Dean of his local community college and says, "I want to learn something new, I haven't learned much and I want to learn more,". "Great, which class would you like to take?" said the Dean.

"Which classes do you offer?" responded the man.

"We have all sorts of classes, from science to logic," said the Dean.

"What's logic?" asked the man.

"Well, I can use information to assume something." Said the Dean.

"How?" asked the Man.

"Take this scenario, d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New job in sales

A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BREAKING NEWS!! .. Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass

Doctors describe his condition as stable

Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition he gets to install windows.

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A New Monk

A young monk arrives at the monastery and is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
Into the job, he notices all monks are copying from copies, not from original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out ...

I traded my countertop for a new marble one, but now I miss my old one.

It's like they always say, never take anything for granite

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.

I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Damn girl are you a newspaper?

Because there's a new issue with you every fucking day

Have you guys tried my new Texan pasta dish?

It's y'all dente

BAD NEWS

President Trump awakens one Winter morning to discover someone has peed “Impeach Trump” in the snow. He calls the Secret Service to investigate.

When they return, they tell the President that they have bad news and even worse news. The bad news is that it’s Vice President Pence’s urine. This ...

If there's a new moon

Then where does the old one go?

A giant fly is attacking New York, but don't worry...

The SWAT team is on it.

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

I once new a guy who loved tractors, but one day he sadly fell off his tractor and broke his arm and vowed to never go near a tractor again.

A few months later after coming home from a night out with his friends and with his buddy in tow, he arrived home to find his house on fire.

He immediately rushed inside took the deepest breath he could and inhaled all of the smoke, and all of the flames.

His now bewildered friend aske...

Every day I find a new reason to love my cat.

But God dammit I'm almost out of Vaseline!

A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a brand new bag...

The girl, excited, replied, "Thanks for the Baghdad!"


I'll show myself out now

So, there is this new strain of Marijuana called Grassy Knoll...

It is sure to blow your mind

I’m opening a new tanning salon in Africa.

Im going to call it Tanzania. (Tans in ‘ere)

New Teslas don't come with a new car smell

They come with an Elon Musk.

Have you heard of the new Apple Product designed to protect your eyes?

It's called iLid

People always say there is nothing new on r/jokes but hundreds of new jokes go on every day!

Fortunately I’m not one of them, I’ve been here for an entire year!

My son just told me the school security guard got fired and the new one has only one arm.

He asked, "How will he be able to break up fights with only one arm?"

I replied, "Single-handedly."

There once was a man in New York

He decided one day to go out in his yard and start digging hoping he’d find something, he dug about 10 feet down and found some copper wiring. So he concluded that 100 years ago New York had the worlds first telephone system. He then decided to post about it on the internet. A man in California saw...

#Breaking news

A clown recently had to retire earlier this week.
#
After sustaining an injury, the clown was found to have broken his funny bone.
#
Looks like he got the last laugh.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Escalade with four Nazis crashed off a cliff. The news is calling it a tragedy.

Because a Escalade holds eight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blended Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.<...

There's a new type of Heroin on the market that's called "Jesus Christ"

Finally a way for people to feel good after taking the lord's name in vein

A doctor comes into a patient and says, "I've good news and I've bad news."

The patient says, "Give me the good news first."

The doctor replies, "The good news is that you get to name a newly-discovered disease."

A local news station interviews a farmer about a farmer's daily life.

Interviewer: So, Mister, where do you wash your cows?
Farmer: The white one or the black one?

The interviewer wonders what the farmer means and goes along with it.

Interviewer: Umm... the white one.
Farmer: I wash her by the river.
Interviewer: What about the black one? ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma...

I started a new diet where you can sleep 20 hours a day...

It’s called, you Snooze you lose

There's a gang in my city who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join...

But enough about church, how's your day been?

I tried to create a great new chemical compound using oxygen and potassium...

It wasn't great, it was just OK.

Did you see the news?

Tim: John did you see the news yesterday?

John: No shy?

Tim: an actress was killed! She got stabbed to death. Her name was um reese?

John: Witherspoon?

Tim: no with a knife John

I got a new dog he's a paranoid retriever...

He brings back everything cause he's not sure what I threw.

A new hairdressers for angry gamers opened up in my town.

It's called 'Dye Dye Dye!'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctors office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young, female, and drop-dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen
it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and il check it out."

I said, "My wife thinks by dick tastes funny".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do porn actresses say to each other when they see a hot new hunk on set?

Get a load of that guy!

Ask me a questions and once I've responded, edit that question to a new one to make me look stupid.

I'm having a rough day and I think this could be a fun way to change that!

A man is going 100 mph in his new car on the freeway

And a cop car starts to chase him with the sirens on
So the the man starts to go even faster until he realizes he should just stop.

When the cop comes up to his window he asks”Listen man it’s been a long day if you can give me a good excuse I’ll let you go”

So the man responds wit...

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