Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box...

Which word has 6 letters, starts with an N and ends with an R and is related to a Race

NASCAR

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A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger - 2.99

Cheeseburger - 3.99

Chicken Sandwich - 4.99

Hand Jobs - 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at th...

Everyone keeps making fun of me because I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means

Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not the end of the world.

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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

The UK Prime Minister just announced her resignation.

This is not surprising. It is the end of May, after all.

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At the end of our first date, I sheepishly asked, "So, how do you feel about sex?" Giggling and blushing, she whispered, "I like it infrequently."

Puzzled, I asked, "I see. Is that one word or two?"

What begins with “M” and ends in “arriage” and is a mans favorite thing?

A miscarriage
That Joke never gets old just like the baby

I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

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What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

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A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dr...

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

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A good joke should have unexpected turns, cross a few lines, keep you on the edge of your seat, make you wonder how the hell it's all gonna end and may even make you piss yourself. Pretty simple guidelines.

I try to use them when I make jokes. My wife tried to use them when she drove me to work today.

The Blonde joke to end all Blonde jokes

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman Police Officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blondes driver's licence. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it lo...

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

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What do you call it when you have sex with someone in order to end their dry spell?

An honorable discharge

I wrote a book about Nemo and his rage towards plastic. In the end he dies

The books called Nemo 3: The last straw

What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a 1000 letters?

Post office.

My local college just announced the end of a scientific study...

Results showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

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What do you call someone who is on the giving end of a penis transplant?

A boner donor.

What does a username do when its hotel stay ends?

It checks out.

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What starts with "F" and ends with "-uck"?

Fucktruck

What 4 letter word for a certain special classification of women ends in UNT?

AUNT

I found out my ex girlfriend was at the opposite end of the museum as me today.

I wanted to go say hi to her but there was just too much history between us.

What starts with a 'C' and ends with a 'T', is hairy and oval on the outside and creamy on the inside?

A coconut.

Isn't it the best feeling when you have been holding it in the entire day and finally you get to release it at the end of day?

I'm talking about emotions.

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.

“Do you think,” one priest says to other, “it would be better to shorten the sign to ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

The Teacher Asked the Class to Name Something that Ends in -Tor and Eats Things.

Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator."

"Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him.

Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!"

"You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said.

Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrat...

There's something a lot of girls want, that guys have below their waist. It starts with p and ends with s

Pockets

What do you name a dead end road in China?

Wong way.

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

The devil, annoyed, storms away and goe...

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A grandma decides to end her long prosperous life early by jumping from a bridge

A man approaches while she readies herself to jump.

The man asks: "Excuse me, if you commit suicide, could we have Sex now? I mean you will die soon anyways".

The grandma is shocked and says: "Hell no. What do you think who I am you pervert?"

The starts walking away and tells th...

James Buchanan was eating lunch at the White House towards the end of his term.

Since Buchanan had lived there for a while, the next president asked him what foods he recommends at the White House. James loves pig meat so he tells Lincoln: 

“Aye, bruh, ham.”

England and France decided to end the war...

... by making two cats swim across the river. The first cat to get to the other side wins the war for his country. English cat’s name was OneTwoThree and French cat’s name was UnDeuxTrois. OneTwoThree won the competition because UnDeuxTrois cat sank.

Went swimming today at the public pool, decided to pee in the deep end

Lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loudly it startled me and I almost fell in

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Why did the charitable prostitute end up homeless?

He blew all of his money away.

I was kicked out of the neighborhood pool for peeing in the deep end

The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

Math is like the end of a relationship

You now have an ex and start asking why.

I wish I could see what mischief my students are getting up to at the far end of the school yard.

Alas, I've never had good pupils.

A first grade teacher is looking to kill a few minutes at the end of the school day.

She asks the kids if any one has an interesting story that happened with their family.

One kid stands up and blurts out, "Last week my uncle fell down the well"

The teacher gasps and asks "Is your uncle ok?"

"I think so", answers the kid.

" What do you mean?", said the te...

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A man sees a woman at the end of the bar....

He decides he is going to talk to her, and asks her name. She replies, "I just changed my name to Carmen, after the two things I love most in life, cars and men. What's your name?"

"Funny you should ask," he says, "I just changed my name too."

"To what?" she replied.

"B.J...

What starts with an "O" and ends with "nions" and sometimes make you cry?

Opinions

Who’s job is it to announce the end of April?

Billy “May’s here”

A Protestant is stoped at a stoplight when a Catholic rear ends him.

So the Protestant, as anyone would do, calls the police. When the police car arrives, out comes a big Irish police officer. The officer looks at the two cars, walks over to the Catholic, and says, “So how fast was he going when he backed into you?”

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head die and end up in heaven

They are greeted by St. Peter outside the gates of heaven.

St. Peter says: ‘To pass you must tell me one truth about yourself. But If you lie, you will be sent to hell.’

The Red head walks up to him and says:
‘I’m the pretties girl in the world’

St. Peters snaps his fingers...

In the rest of the world it’s the end of May, but in the UK it’s looking like

Ah wait no this doesn’t work any more

What do you call a water slide with cocaine at the end?

A slippery slope

The final episode of Game of Thrones should end in a huge musical number where everyone comes back to life for some reason and nothing is explained and no real ending is given.

That'll cause riots.

In the end, I had to deactivate my malfunctioning fitness avatar.

It just wasn’t working out for me.

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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll bet you 100 dollars I can bite my left eye.”

The bartender doesn’t think he can bite his own eye so he bets him 100 dollars. The man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The bartender ends up giving him 100 dollars. The man comes back a few minutes later and says “I’ll let you get your money back. I’ll bet you 300 dollars I can’t bite my righ...

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To put an end to the endless accusations, the Catholic Church has proposed that all priests shall be castrated.

If you ask me, they don't have the balls to pull that through.

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

A man was joyriding with his new Mercedes

A man was Joyriding with his new Mercedes.
He was driving well above the speed limit when he saw the lightshow of a cop behind him.

He started driving faster, sure that he could outrun the cop but the cop kept up.

Eventually he gave up and pulled over.
The cop came up to his wind...

I got a car for my girlfriend

Best trade I've ever made.

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Just a tip for you guys if you ever end up going to prison.

When you're in the showers, don't drop the soap.

It's a pain in the ass to pick up.

An inspector is going around the village, reviewing all the arrow-makers and their products. When the inspector reaches John the arrow-maker John tells him: "You know, these arrows are probably the worst in town. I'm really bad at putting the feathers on the end. I'm decent at the rest though."

The inspector looks up and replies: "Weird fletch but ok"

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”

He said, “Sorry. No time.”

Endgame Spoiler : Tony Stark and Bucky becomes partners to start a business at the end of the movie.

They name it Starbucks.

Why do Slavic names end in ski?

Because they'd sound funny if they ended in toboggan.

The end of Infinity War was a real shock for people, I know.

I was more surprised by the end of *Detective Pikachu* when everyone turned into Ash.

Q: When does January end?

A: February 1st


Q: When does March end?

A: April 1st

Q: When does May end?

A: June 7th

So after what Steve does at the end of Endgame...

Does that officially make Sam "Captain Falcon" now?

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch...

They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left...

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Ever wondered why most guys end up with chicks with fake tits and fake lips?

Because even though there's plenty of fish in the sea there's also a lot of plastic.

The wheels on patrol car constantly end up falling off before I even make it back to the station. The boss asks if I’m working too hard

I said I’m working tirelessly.

At the end of the worship the priest asks his charge, "How many of you forgave your enemies?"

Everyone holds up their hands, except a fragile elderly lady.

"Are you denying forgiveness to your enemies?" the surprised priest asks.

"Oh no, dear," the grey haired woman says. "I just have no enemies."

"This is very unusual," the priest says. "How old are you?"

"I'm 98...

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?

It was a Big Mcsteak

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day

Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us?

It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.

Where does the Helsinki Marathon end?

At the Finnish line.

(long) Three men die together and end up in front of the gates of Heaven...

St. Peter states to the three men "It is not widely known but in order to get into Heaven, you need to answer a simple question about religion." so, he turns to the first man and asks, "what is Easter?"

The man pauses and says, "Is that the holiday where we gather around the table with our fa...

The end of world is near.

Once a political leader (who was campaigning) and a farmer were sitting in a park. Suddenly they both die at the same time. They are greeted by God in heaven who says only one can get into heaven.

God asked" the one who has done more good deeds will enter heaven". To which both agree.
...

What did the Allied forces call the German army as it retreated at the end of WWII?

A receding herr line

[Spoiler Alert] What happens at the end of Endgame

They roll the credits...

A man walks into a bar with a large reptile on his shoulder.

The bartender see this and asks him what his lizards name is. The man replies, “His name is tiny.” Confused, the bartender asks why he named the lizard tiny when he is obviously not tiny. “Because he’s my newt.”

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat!

In the end, he came around.

Most stories end with a bang or a whimper.

Old Yeller has both covered.

Why was Theresa May crying at the end of her speech?

Because now she knows she’s gotta sign up to universal credits.

If you take all your veins and lay them end to end...

... you'd die.

China: "We give up, Donald. What'll it take to end the Trade War?

Trump: "You'll have to move all of your factories to the US."

China: "We can't do that."

Trump: "That's too bad, because it's my way or the Huawei."

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The best jokes are the ones that get you at the end.

One day, Ishmahel, a 40+ year old jew went to the synagogue for the first time in years.
He sat down with a huge frown on his face and quietly stared praying;
“Oh Lord, I know I haven’t always been the best man I could be, but I also haven’t been the worst... I’m in some really deep shit, I ow...

I’ve decided to put an end to my addiction to deli meats.

I’m quitting cold turkey.

Why did Adolf Hitler commit suicide at the end of WW2?

He was mad that Stalin had killed more Russians than he ever could.

At first the Roman warrior felt remorse for devouring his wife, but in the end...

He was Gladiator.

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

When driving an electric car, never turn onto a dead end street.

you'll be stuck on a road with No Outlet.

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Called my friend.

I called my friend just now and said, "I have a joke for you."

Friend: "Ok shoot"

Me: "What has a tiny penis and hangs down?"

Friend: "I dunno what?"

Me: A bat.. now what has an enormous penis and hangs up?

Friend: I dunno what?


*Click*

My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!

That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.

My paralyzed girlfriend asked me to eat her out...

I told her I don’t eat vegetables

What did the barber tell the janitor at the end of the day?

Take hair!

My 8 year old thought of it after his hair cut last night. I hope it’s OC as he doesn’t have a Reddit account, yet.

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

What says the nymphomaniac's right leg to her left leg, at the end of spring break ?

"Long time no see !"

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I told my girlfriend that my penis and my punchlines are similar because they both have twists in the end.

She agreed saying she's never seen either coming.

I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriends bra. I gave up in the end.

I wish I never tried it on in the first place.

Two Alabamans decide to end their romantic relationship. One says to the other,

"Let's just be siblings."

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My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Da...

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An attractive woman is sitting alone at the bar and sees a man with a military-style haircut sitting by himself at the other end, nursing his drink.

The woman notices that the man is looking glum and hasn't made any attempt to speak to anyone besides the barkeep. She takes a swig of liquid courage, saunters down the bar, and sits next to the man.

"Excuse me, sir, but are you a soldier? I couldn't help but notice your haircut!" The woman ...

"So how did you end up getting pregnant ?"

" well those camouflage condoms my boyfriend used didn't work ".

My gf always wanted me to have a body like Thor

after seeing Endgame I have finally done it

“Don’t worry, my friend! Every mischief will end someday.”

“That’s so optimistic!”

“I work at the graveyard, my friend.”

A lottery winner decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse and goes to a high end stable.

"I'm not really sure which kind I want," he tells the owner.

"Well, it depends on what you want them to do," the owner says. "Over here, we have a Type A horse - good workers, but temperamental. Back there eating hay you have a Type B horse - mostly good for companionship."

"That soun...

At the end of our night my date said she didn't want to walk to the bus stop on her own.

I said, "You won't be on your own. There's a guy behind us in a massive trench coat who's probably going there too."

A piece of string walks into a bar...

And the bartender said “sorry, we don’t serve your kind”.
The piece of string walked outside, twisted himself up, and parted his hair. He went back in and the bartender said “aren’t you the same guy from before?”
“I’m a frayed knot”, said the piece of string.

Then the bartender hung him...

The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage

She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns.



I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"



I have a friend, Celine, from China. She is beautiful but so fragile.

Poor Celine.

When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,

I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day

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