What starts with T, ends with T, and has T inside?

A teapot

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

What begins with an M and ends in arriage?

Miscarriage

The joke never gets old just like the baby

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend

Which word has 6 letters, starts with an N and ends with an R and is related to a Race

NASCAR

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box...

What starts with a P and ends in a C?

The sewage system

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Scroll to the end

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Saturday: Ian

Sunday: Greg

.

.

.

The Gregorian calendar

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My sex life is like the end of a hockey game

If there are no more periods, it’s over.

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Why do tampons have that piece of string attached to the end of them?

So you can floss your teeth when you’re done eating.

What is the funniest way you could end the greatest joke in United States history?

Impeachment

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What costs £50,000 and sits on the end of your bed, taking the piss?

A dialysis machine

People say Good things Always come to an end

With That logic, I'm probably gonna live forever

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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

So I added a line for Joe Chill at the end of Joker.

As Joe Chill is walking down the alley : "It's time to put the old man in a home, A FUNERAL HOME!" \*BOOM\*

\*BOOM\* BYE MOM!!!

How do you end the US Presidency?

A pair of Chinese handcuffs

Sometimes I don't end my jokes

But when I do

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. "Don't frett," he said. "Just duet and we'll live in harmony until the end of time."

Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor.

Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and...

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What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

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At the end of our first date, I sheepishly asked, "So, how do you feel about sex?" Giggling and blushing, she whispered, "I like it infrequently."

Puzzled, I asked, "I see. Is that one word or two?"

Which flight ends in Bikini Bottom?

Malaysian Airlines Flight 370

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A crazy guy outside my work has been wearing a “The end is near!” sign every day for the last 2 months.

Fuckin’ false advertising.

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Two newly wed couples end up at the same place for their Honeymoon

The two grooms are are at the bar talking about finally making love to their new wives. One of them suggests a competition to see who gets the most sex and they both agree. They needed a code so their wives wouldn't know they were having a competition, so it was suggested that over breakfast they wo...

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A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger - 2.99

Cheeseburger - 3.99

Chicken Sandwich - 4.99

Hand Jobs - 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at th...

At the end of the day, we’re all human beans

Together we will rice. Now lettuce pray. Ramen.

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Doug lived all of his life in the Florida Keys. On his deathbed, he realizes the end is imminent.

He calls his family to be near his side, along with his lawyer to record his last wishes.
"My son, Andy; you take the Ocean Reef houses. My daughter, Sybil, take the apartments between mile marker 100 and Tavernier. My son Jamie- I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Cen...

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. B...

My flat earther friend decided to prove his theory by walking to the end of the world

In the end, he came around.

There are those who check their cellphone battery life at the end of a work day to see how much they goofed off..

And then there are those with cellphone chargers.

My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.

I feel like this is the end of my Korea. I am still China find a job.

I’m trying to set the world record for counting from 0 to 1 in the fastest time. I will never give up, even if I can’t ever see and end in sight.

Currently on 0.876278134

Everyone keeps making fun of me because I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means

Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not the end of the world.

Cold War Era Joke: The chairman of the Communist party decides to go check how his fellow comrades are doing. He walks into a dreadful cinema and sits down. Before the movie starts, there is 15 minutes of communist propaganda, with him giving a boring speech at the end. Everyone stands up and

Starts clapping and cheering enthusiastically.

The chairman is so humbled and stays seated, soaking in the love.

A few minutes into the cheering the guy on his left bends over and whispers directly in his ear.

"Comrade, I know how you feel, but if don't want to be sent to Siberi...

The Blonde joke to end all Blonde jokes

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman Police Officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blondes driver's licence. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it lo...

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Pierre, the fighter pilot.

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What ar...

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A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dr...

Johnny asked me the other if he could end a sentence with a contraction...

The only thing I responded with was, “I wouldn’t.”

What happens when a policeman takes a dump at the end of his shift?

He is relieved from doodie.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

The Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff.But then the teacher realised that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'


''Yes madam......My daddy told me a story about
my Mom.She was...

Something bad will happen at the end of A B C D E F G H...

I JK.

Why did the perfume maker end up in the mental hospital?

Because he stopped making scents

The UK Prime Minister just announced her resignation.

This is not surprising. It is the end of May, after all.

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

The devil, annoyed, storms away and goe...

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Lose 10Kg/22 Pounds a week or get double your money back !

A guy is reading his newspaper and stops on an ad:

"***Lose 5 Kg /11 Pounds in one week or we will pay you back twice your money, guaranteed !***"

He goes to the adress and the hostess at the reception collect the payment and shows the client a room saying: enter here you will see ...

If you took every student who sleeps in class at any given point in the school day, and laid them end to end...

They would be much more comfortable.

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Two college girls are moving into their dorm

One girl is from Georgia and one is from Connecticut and she is with her mother.

The girl from Georgia walks up and says, “hey, where y’all from?”

Connecticut girl: “Where we’re from, you don’t end a sentence with a preposition,” she laughs.

The girl from Georgia responds: “Oh...

I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

I think it's time for a new keyboard.

An old mafia boss was at the end of his life

He knew he didn't have much time left to live and he was getting worried about where he might end up after his death if he did not get absolution for his sins. He had been a very evil person and he knew that any old village priest would not be able to do the job so instead he arranged a meeting with...

Trump has a heart attack and ends up in Hell where the Devil is waiting for him...

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

New York Times headline:World Ends Tomorrow!

Women and minorities hit hardest.

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”

He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”

Where does Finland end?

The Finnish line

The black cow and the white cow

A curious guy sees a farmer tending to two cows in his field.

Guy: Hey, what do you feed those cows?
Farmer: The white one or the black one?
Guy: The white one.
Farmer: Grass.
Guy: How about the black one?
Farmer: Grass.

Guy: Where do they sleep?
Farmer: The white one...

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A woman, on a blind date with a stockbroker, asked her companion what his favorite stage of human development is, what she should be doing in the stock market, what his sexual orientation is, and about his preferred way to end a conversation. His answers left her feeling very in sync with him.

"Baby, buy, bi, bye."

The Teacher Asked the Class to Name Something that Ends in -Tor and Eats Things.

Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator."

"Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him.

Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!"

"You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said.

Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrat...

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A good joke should have unexpected turns, cross a few lines, keep you on the edge of your seat, make you wonder how the hell it's all gonna end and may even make you piss yourself. Pretty simple guidelines.

I try to use them when I make jokes. My wife tried to use them when she drove me to work today.

A blonde woman finds a letter in front of her door that says "DO NOT BEND"

She spent the next two hours figuring out how to pick it up.

Two blondes are standing on opposite ends of a lake.

One of them yells to the other, “Hey, how did you get to the other side!?” To which the other responds, “You are on the other side!”

I wrote a book about Nemo and his rage towards plastic. In the end he dies

The books called Nemo 3: The last straw

What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a 1000 letters?

Post office.

There's something a lot of girls want, that guys have below their waist. It starts with p and ends with s

Pockets

Isn't it the best feeling when you have been holding it in the entire day and finally you get to release it at the end of day?

I'm talking about emotions.

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What do you call it when you have sex with someone in order to end their dry spell?

An honorable discharge

What do you call it when a seagull wants to do something by the end of the day in the water?

Sea goal

I found out my ex girlfriend was at the opposite end of the museum as me today.

I wanted to go say hi to her but there was just too much history between us.

What do you call an absurd comedic production that won’t end?

An unstoppable farce.

I was kicked out of the neighborhood pool for peeing in the deep end

The lifeguard noticed and blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.

“Do you think,” one priest says to other, “it would be better to shorten the sign to ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

Why did the glowstick end up in a classroom once its brightness wore off?

It turned into a glewstick.

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What do you call someone who is on the giving end of a penis transplant?

A boner donor.

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A man goes in to hospital for an operation but after a mix up ends up with a circumsition...

He recieved $20,000 compensation but left a tip.

What does a username do when its hotel stay ends?

It checks out.

Things got pretty psycotic during my divorce. Worked out fairly amicable in the end though and me and my ex decided to share 50/50 custody of the kids..

I got the top halves.

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A grandma decides to end her long prosperous life early by jumping from a bridge

A man approaches while she readies herself to jump.

The man asks: "Excuse me, if you commit suicide, could we have Sex now? I mean you will die soon anyways".

The grandma is shocked and says: "Hell no. What do you think who I am you pervert?"

The starts walking away and tells th...

What starts with an "O" and ends with "nions" and sometimes make you cry?

Opinions

What does a genital mutilator say at the end of a long day?

"Ahhh, time to hit the sack."

How does Jaws unwind at the end of a long day?

With a glass of shark-donnay. It’s a great white wine

What starts with a 'C' and ends with a 'T', is hairy and oval on the outside and creamy on the inside?

A coconut.

What’s high in the middle and round on both ends?

Ohio

My local college just announced the end of a scientific study...

Results showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?

It was a Big Mcsteak

Google announces new usage of an old tool: sending vital organs for surgery via landlines. The organ at the other end will be a working copy of the original, giving an unprecedented supply of life-saving organs to families in need.

They're calling it "The Fax of Life."

What 4 letter word for a certain special classification of women ends in UNT?

AUNT

The final episode of Game of Thrones should end in a huge musical number where everyone comes back to life for some reason and nothing is explained and no real ending is given.

That'll cause riots.

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?"

I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting "the end of the world is nigh!"

I think it was Farmer Geddon.

John Cena gets into a car wreck and ends up in the hospital...

After being in a coma for 3 days he wakes up and asks the nurse, "Where am I?" The nurse responds, "ICU".



John Cena replies, "NO YOU DON'T!!!!"

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Why did the charitable prostitute end up homeless?

He blew all of his money away.

I wish I could see what mischief my students are getting up to at the far end of the school yard.

Alas, I've never had good pupils.

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

A first grade teacher is looking to kill a few minutes at the end of the school day.

She asks the kids if any one has an interesting story that happened with their family.

One kid stands up and blurts out, "Last week my uncle fell down the well"

The teacher gasps and asks "Is your uncle ok?"

"I think so", answers the kid.

" What do you mean?", said the te...

I saw a sign on the highway that said: "End Roadwork."

But I don't know about that. Seems as if a lot of people would lose their jobs.

Math is like the end of a relationship

You now have an ex and start asking why.

Q: Why do we write a question mark at the end of a question?

A: So we don't have to write Q: at the front.

What do you name a dead end road in China?

Wong way.

Who’s job is it to announce the end of April?

Billy “May’s here”

Went swimming today at the public pool, decided to pee in the deep end

Lifeguard saw me and blew his whistle so loudly it startled me and I almost fell in

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day

Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

What starts with "e," ends with "e," and contains one letter?

An envelope.

What starts with an 'F' and ends with a 'k' and if you don't find it, you use your fingers.

A fork.

In the rest of the world it’s the end of May, but in the UK it’s looking like

Ah wait no this doesn’t work any more

England and France decided to end the war...

... by making two cats swim across the river. The first cat to get to the other side wins the war for his country. English cat’s name was OneTwoThree and French cat’s name was UnDeuxTrois. OneTwoThree won the competition because UnDeuxTrois cat sank.

Endgame Spoiler : Tony Stark and Bucky becomes partners to start a business at the end of the movie.

They name it Starbucks.

What do you call a water slide with cocaine at the end?

A slippery slope

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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll bet you 100 dollars I can bite my left eye.”

The bartender doesn’t think he can bite his own eye so he bets him 100 dollars. The man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The bartender ends up giving him 100 dollars. The man comes back a few minutes later and says “I’ll let you get your money back. I’ll bet you 300 dollars I can’t bite my righ...

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