UPJOKE
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Own Jokes

I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot

Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B

How can you tell who owns bitcoin at a party?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem

He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."

The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."

Wife: "I have a lot of my own clothes I'd like to donate."

Husband: "Why bother? It's easier to throw the clothes in the garbage can."

Wife: "Don't be selfish! There are so many poor people who have no clothes and are starving."

Husband: " Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving..."

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own cats than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

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3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.

The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.

Fairy: "If anyone of you is ...

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I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administra...

There's a man named Johnson who owns a nail company, Johnson Nails.

Business had been slow lately, so Johnson figures he might want to try putting out a youtube video to drum up some business.

He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Jim who assures him he can make the perfect ad for Johnson's company. He tells Johnson to come back the nex...

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A young guy goes into a drug store owned by two spinster sisters.

He awkwardly says to the one lady at the pharmacy counter, "Um, this is embarrassing but I have this condition where about once a day I become incredibly aroused and overcome by the desire to have sex with any woman at all. It's overwhelming! What can you give me for it?"

"Hmm," replied the l...

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy

Oops, wrong sub

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I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.

The parrot was cool, though.




^Originally ^an ^Anthony ^Jeselnik ^joke

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its mea...

I bought a locket today and put my own picture in it. Guess now I really am....

Independent

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A female fly is minding her own business…

A female fly is sitting on a piece of shit, minding her own business. A male fly comes along and asks “excuse me Miss, is this stool taken?”

A chemist walks into the store he owns...

and he sees a man, leaning up against a wall near the counter.


"What's wrong with him?" he asks his assistant.


"He needed a bottle of cough syrup," explains the assistant, "but I couldn't find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead."


"WHAT?" bellows ...

My wife says I can't solve my own problems

How do I prove her wrong?

I own the world’s worst thesaurus.

Not only is it terrible, it’s delicious.

I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anaesthetic.

He said: “Sure, knock yourself out!”

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A man owned a small ranch in Montana,

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.

“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.

The rancher replied, “my ranch ...

My doctor told me I only had six months to live, so I leapt over his desk and stabbed him through the heart with his own pen.

Got me twenty years.

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark...

My dad owns 4 tents which he uses for camping

He uses all 4 at different times of the year, and each one is based on 1 of 4 different musical genres.

In spring he uses the jazz tent, in summer he uses the pop tent, in autumn he uses the classical tent….

But now is the winter of our disco tent.

Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand*

Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself

Sister-in-law: ~crying~ is this why you wanted an open casket

Did you know that William Shatner once tried to start up his own line of lingerie for women?

Unfortunately for him, Shatner Panties was a terrible brand name.

Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..

Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

I went to make my own James Bond clothing, but came back with a plain, white T-shirt

I had No Time To Dye.

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

Not vaccinating your child is like owning a PT Cruiser

You're spending thousands a year on something that'll probably be dead in less than five.

An international school teacher asks a question: "What's your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?"

**An African student:** What's food?

**A European student:** What's scarcity?

**An American student:** What are 'other countries'?

**A Chinese student:** What's 'my own opinion'?

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TIL that Kim Kardashian's giant ass has it's own birth certificate, and even has a legal name:

Kanye

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A man walks into a restaurant that's owned by a friend of his.

He says to his friend, "How's it going? How's the restaurant business?"

His friend says, "It's going pretty good but I got a chef that won't stop jerking off."

He tells him, "Just fire him."

"I can't. He's an amazing cook. You should try his wings. They are amazing."

"The...

A British engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

When I was young, I thought rich people owned Bose music systems and the rest of us had Sony products.

Turns out those were just stereotypes.

I finally, after 35 years, have made my own two line joke

What’s a gooses’s favorite vegetable?

Asparagoose.

Post Malone Has Started His Own Student Loan Service in an Attempt to Lift the Burden Off of New Graduates

It's called "Post Malone's Post Pone Ma Loans"

My friend started selling his own body parts to make money

First it was just one of his fingers to pay some bills off. When he realised how much he could make he sold even more body parts. Sitting in his mansion, rich enough to afford not to work, he asked me what I thought about him selling even more body parts.

I told him, I think you should quit w...

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

I had a hen who could count her own eggs..

She was a mathmachicken.

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby..

The baby wouldn’t take it, so she said,
“Come on sweetie, eat it all up or
I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”

Five minutes later, the baby was s...

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

“Your mother has been with us for 20 years,” said John. “Isn’t it time she got a place of her own?”

“My mother?” replied Helen. “I thought she was *your* mother.”

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside reading 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

How I learned to miknd my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were yelling "13...13...13..."

The fence was too high for me to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.

Someone poked me in the eye with a stick and then the...

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Two dwarfs walk into a bar where they pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their own respective rooms.

Unfortunately the first dwarf can’t get an erection no matter what. He’s depressed, and his depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, “one, two, three- uuump!” all night long.

In the morning the second dwarf asks the first, “ how was your night?”
<...

Why cant a bycicle stand on its own?

It was two tired

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True Story: This genuinely happened last night. I work as a Doorman/Bouncer. I own a pair of electrically heated socks. A customer came out for a cigarette as I was plugging the battery packs in and switching them on...

Lady: "What are you doing?"
Me: "I'm just turning my socks on."
Lady: "Ooooo, that's *very* considerate of you!"
Me: "What d'you mean?"
Lady: "Well, most guys I know wouldn't bother with that... they'd just cum in them!"

What do you call a hen that counts her own eggs?

A Mathmachicken.

My kid told me that and it made me chuckle.

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of most expensive wine on the menu

She sends me a note, "I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pants." So i wrote back," Return me the wine; As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone."

My buddy owns a DeLorean.

He drives it from time to time.

I'm trying to start up my own business, recycling discarded chewing gum.

But I'm struggling to get it off the ground.

My son asked me why he doesn't get his own room when we use the extra one for storage.

I told him there's no room for mistakes.

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Did you hear about the scientist who attempted to clone himself for his own sexual pleasure?

He had done great strides towards his goal over the years. But after the most recent attempt, he finally topped himself.

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

Today everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.

Oh how the stables have turned.

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business...

...when a carload of gun toting, young and very loud tea partiers, shouting anti-Obama, anti-Muslim slogans, with a Gadsden flag duct taped on the trunk and a confederate flag taped to the hood, "All I need to know about Islam, I learned on 9/11" spray painted to the side, pulled up and stopped next...

I wasn't sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again...

Stranger Things have happened.

A bald guy is minding his own business.

An obnoxious drunk comes up to him, rubs his head and says “your head feel’s just like my wife’s ass”. The bald guy feels his own head and says, “hey, you’re right!”

Spanking your own kids is already low

But If You Spank Someone Else's Kid
You've Hit A New Bottom

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

If prisoners could take their own mugshots...

They'd be called CELLFIES

I'll see myself out.

I own a three legged dog.

It had four legs when I got it, but I wanted people to know that I'm a good person.

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There was a guy who could suck his own dick.

He was really full of himself.

In celebration of my very first Cake Day, I'm reposting one of my own jokes:

A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.

The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has ...

"I own a small allotment...", So far I'm the only person I've heard laugh at this joke.

I own a small allotment. Every night someone throws soil in on top of in. I've absolutely no idea why.

The plot thickens.

Steve owns a flower stand.

He’s got all kinds of flowers - daisies, petunias, roses, and even wildflowers like firewheels and bluebonnets. He has the most expansive collection of flowers in the city, all of the highest quality, and business is booming.

However, one day, a group of priests moved in across the street and...

I own a chicken that counts her own eggs.

She's a mathamachicken.

Do you know the oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve?

It was an apple, with very limited memory, one byte and everything crashed!

A man owned a sentient calculator

He would show it to people all the time, and tell them about the sentient calculator. He'd ask a question, and the calculator would give the answer, and every time it was the correct one. At first, people were excited, and they would demand to know what the trick was. A lot of theories, ranging from...

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My boyfriend is getting me a dildo cast from his own penis for Valentine's day...

We're only doing small gifts this year.

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A man starts his own business

Within a few months his business grows to the point where he needs to hire two employees. He hires a woman named Sarah and a man named Jack. Things are good.

A year goes by and the little company's sales are sagging. The owner realizes that there is not enough work for his two em...

There are 3 men in a boat and 4 cigarettes, however they don't own a lighter. How do they smoke?

They throw one cigarette over board in order to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

Did you know, I used to own a airplane company?

We sold planes with no wings,

But it never really took off.

Apparently, Elton John owns a pygmy rabbit that is super hyper and runs all the time.

It's a little, fit bunny.

Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

Because it's two-tired.

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A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke in...

I used to own a racing snail...

It never won though. To improve its performance I removed its shell but, if anything, it made it more sluggish

Taxi driver: "What I like most about my job is the independence. I'm my own boss. Noone tells me what to do, I make my own decisions."

Me: "Take the next left."

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered...

Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed read...

The sperm bank I visited yesterday had it's own food court.

Unfortunately, it was just a Jack In The Box.

Why did the famous balloon artist hate his own work?

It was blown out of proportion!

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk" if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the s...

if chuck norris owned and operator an oyster bar...

it would be called shuck norris

What do you call a car dealership owned by a former coroner?

Rigor Motors

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I just can't ever see myself putting anything up my own butt

So I got a mirror.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.
After several weeks of fuming at his chickens for making scratches and small dents in the hood of his car he decided to find a solution.
Coincidentally a salesperson came by his house and offered a s...

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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

Why doesn't Santa have any children of his own?

Because he only comes once a year.

A young businessman had just started his own firm.

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picked up the phone and started to pretend big deal was in the works. He threw a huge figures around and ...

Why did Einstein only own grandfather clocks

Because time is relative

I said to my parents, "Mom, dad... I've decided to live on my own from now on."

"Okay, that's fine." they replied.

I added, "Your luggage is outside."

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Plastic Surgeon Dad, Operates On His Own Daughter....

There was a plastic/cosmetic surgeon,
who did some procedures on his own daughter,

He did her Nose, Boobs, and a few other things....

When people said she was pretty,
He then would jokingly say to them:

"she got her good looks from me!"

My mom runs her own garage

She's an amazing mother but she makes the lamest jokes, which are a source of constant annoyance for me. After an exceptionally bad day (I woke up late, spilled coffee on my white shirt, my SUV was malfunctioning so I reached office late, the printer was jammed so I had to take printouts of the repo...

The first joke I invented all on my own (age ~5-6)

Why don't pirates like playing cards?

There's always someone walking across the deck.

Make your own breakfast

Two youthful artists having a studio in Philadelphia, wherein they not only work but lodge as well, were obliged to make shift, not long ago, during a period of financial stress, with such meals as they could themselves prepare in the studio.

One morning, as the younger of the two was 'sketch...

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I own a farm and this morning one of my farmhands was dancing naked in front of the tractor.

I asked what the hell are you doing?


He said his wife and him were having problems and the marriage counselor told him he had to do something sexy to a tractor.

Did you hear? Rob Schneider is starting his own DIY electrical wiring protection company?

It's called **You Conduit!**

Did you know that every Zodiac sign has its own hairstyle?

For example, bald is Cancer.

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There are two types of men in this world. Men who have tried to suck their own dick

And liars.

A husband and wife who own a circus walk into an adoption agency looking to adopt a child.

"Are you sure the circus is the best place for a child?" asks the social worker. "I mean, all those dangerous animals, the constant traveling..."

"The animals are trained," says the wife. "And we have a state-of-the-art 55-foot motorhome equipped with a large nursery."

"How will you ed...

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My life goal is to own a pub called The Nearest Blowjob.

And situate it in someplace that nonlocals struggle to find.

why isn't everyone just making their own soap?

It's really basic

Why do people who own magazines have mental health conditions?

Because obviously, they have a lot of issues.

I've got my own private jet...

...but the rest of the jacuzzi belongs to my mom.

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I recently learned how to suck my own dick...

Sorry if I sound full of myself.

Why did the bistro stop with its own poultry?

Because they caught the chef with a chicken, stroganoff

My wife and I were discussing people owning weird animals...

and she said, "I've always wanted to get a manatee." I said, "That's very kind of you. I will take it with two sugars."

Two guys are walking down the street and spot a dog licking it's own genitals

One of the guys turns to other and says, "I wish I could do that."

To which the other responds, "You probably could, but I'd pet him first."

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Back in the 50's Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he arrives at the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool.” says Bobby.

Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s father responds “Why do...

What’s more American than owning your own home?

Not owning your own home.

Just the setup. Do your own punchline

I don't do standup but thought of a hell of a setup with nowhere else to put it and no way to finish it. So here it is.



You ever order Chinese food for yourself and get insulted by the number of fortune cookies they give you?

Facebook is set to release its own webmail client...

...emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"

Why didn't Richard Nixon prepare his own food?

Because he's not a cook.

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If you punch your own balls and it hurts, does that make you strong or weak?

Stupid, it makes you stupid

I've just released my own fragrance

No one else in the car liked it though.

I gave my Ex a taste of her own medicine.

My ex's car broke down and she called to ask for help.
I went out and took a look at and left without telling her what was wrong.

What do you say to that doctor that simply insists on treating their own wound?

Fine! Suture self!

People say starting your own business is difficult,

but I met a lady starting her own clothing company whose signature piece was produced in a completely automated factory. She made it seamstress free.

I live alone, so I am ironing my own clothes

Oh, the irony.

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I slipped in my own driveway.

I wanted to sue but my lawyer told me I couldn't since it was my own ass fault.

Elon Musk has only owned Twitter for one day...

and it's already ran over 2 pedestrians.

I saw a Burglar breaking his own house the other day.

Turns out he was Working from Home.

Someone told me to go back to my own country

So Iran

A man tries to fix his own record player....

He gets it running again, but it is turning at half the speed so nothing sounds right. He calls a few antique shops and flea markets until he finds someone that used to fix record players, and who then offers to take a look at it. So the technician opens up the player, and says "I don't know who was...

What type of plant is most satisfying to own?

A succ-you-lent

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GEEKS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers
stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the
door saying "GEEKS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of...

Did you hear about the dog who owned a leaky three-masted sailing ship?

His barque was worse than his bite.

Kanye West has decided to creat his own social media website

It will be called “Hear Ye, hear Ye”

I own a pig.

But he lives in the mirror.

Why doesn’t Putin use his own hands when he sends a text?

‘Cause he’s more of a dictator.

I knew a guy who owned a punching bag.

He let me hit it on the first date.

I like to tell girls I have my own private jet

But I always forget to mention that my mom owns the rest of the jacuzzi

I'm developing my own mens fragrance...

I'm going to call it, "Leave Me The Fuh Cologne."

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This is the last straw,I'm now divorcing my wife. At first,it was some drunken one night stand during business trip, then it was her boss, our pool guy, pizza delivery guy , her very own stepbrother and even my own best friend...

I just can't stop sucking cocks ..

Did you hear that the country's mailmen have created their own church?

It's known as The Church of Jesus Christ of Letter-day Saints

Millenials dream about owning a house

Too bad it's surreal estate

After earning his DDS; a dentist went and opened up his own practice.

He became widely known for his amazing skills, and was highly praised + recommended by every patient he ever had. One year; he was nominated for (and won) a prestigious medical award. Inscribed upon its ornate surface was his name and the specific honor: “Global Recognition of Outstanding Surgical S...

Henry Ford owned a brothel

He packed the brothel with the most beautiful women in Detroit. Any man could come in and take one out on a date. They were known as the Ford Escorts.

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