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My penis made it into the Guinness Book of World Records!

Librarian told me to take it out though

Dude explaining how he made his first $10 million:

1. Get up at 5:00AM every day
2. 90 minutes of cardio
3. Take a cold shower
4. Journal
5. Schedule out your day
6. Dad owns Fortune 500 company
7. Meditate

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

Last night I made fish tacos

They looked at them and just swam away.

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

Congratulations to me! I just made my last mortgage payment!

I still owe like $262,000, but I'm just not going pay them any more.

My 7 yr old just made this one up: What do you say when a dinosaur farts?

That was a blast from the past!

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

My young son just made up this joke (I've formatted it for clarity)

A man rushes into the Police station and says "Someone stole my Ford Transit"

The policeman at the desk asks "what happened?"

"Well", said the man, "A Belgian man came to test-drive the van I was selling"

"He gave me his expensive cell phone to hold as collateral while he drove ...

"Hey, that's a cool looking Olympic medal. How did you win it? Where did you win it? What material is it made from?"

"Iran."

6 yr old son made this up. What do exploding pandas eat?

BAMBOOM!

What do you call a fort made out of doors?

Fort Knocks.

I just made a bran cereal with edibles in it

High 'n Fibre

As a child I was made to walk the plank

We couldn’t afford a dog.

Joke my 12 year old son made up: What do you call it when you throw Mexican food at high velocity?

Fa-yeet-a

A man loses his hat and decides the easiest way to get another one is to steal it.

He goes to the church cloakroom to get a hat. A sermon about the Ten Commandments was going on. The man pauses to listen and then changes his mind. On nearing the exit, he runs into the pastor.

He says, "I came here with sin in my heart. I must say, you saved me from crime."

The pastor...

I made a video about the symbiotic relationships between fungus and algae

Don't forget to lichen subscribe!

I made this joke up randomly at the store...

Did you hear Cyclops of the x-men got vaccinated?

He got his pfizer.

For my cake day, a joke I made up as a kid: Why is Aquaman such a dedicated super hero?

Because he was born with a sense of porpoise.

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

I made holy water the other day.

I boiled the hell out of it.

What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins

What is the name of the captain of a boat made of cork?

Bob.

Sorry, this came to me as I was falling asleep.

An old joke my grandpa made

Imagine a married man goes into his attic, and find a genie lamp

A genie pops out and says, “I’ll give you 3 wishes, but your wife gets double”

The man says, “I’ll have a new car”
He gets a new car and the wife gets double

The man says, “I’ll have a mansion”
He gets a mans...

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

A contestant made a meringue on Australian Masterchef and the crowd started clapping and cheering.

The host said, "This is very unusual for an Australian audience. They normally Boo meringues!!"

What do you call an underwater town made up of multi-ethnic scuba instructors?

diversity

My dumbass brother made a YouTube video by firing dad's taser at the camera.

What happened next will shock you.

Car made out of spaghetti

I told my neibourgh I had made a car out of spaghetti she said don't be rediculous, well she got a shock next day when I drove pasta

How did Pinnochio find out he was made out of wood?

His hand caught on fire.

If someone made a sculpture in Minecraft of J-Lo.

Would you name it Jenny from the Block?

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A joke I made up 20 min ago

Me: “I’m going to tie a bell on the tip of my penis!”

Wife: “WTF!?! Why?!”

Me: “I know it’ll be kind of annoying at first, but trust me, it’ll become a-dick-ting!”

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his...

I made a joke once about jumping off a building

It sorta fell flat.

A young Indian couple was trying to have a quiet wedding, but their family refused and made them have a big wedding instead. What fruit did they serve at the event?

Cantelope

An old man sits down in the confessional booth at his local church

and says, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned”.

The priest says, “Tell me of your sins, my son.”

The old man says, “Well, Father, I’m 90 years old; I’ve been married to my wife for 70 years, and in all that time I’ve always been faithful…. But last night, I made love to two beautifu...

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

Where are average things made?

At the satisfactory!

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My neighbors made a sex tape the other night.

Of course they don't know that yet.

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh

No pun in ten did

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

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Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same

Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.

(A joke my physics teacher told) There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

My 5 year old made up a joke that I can't stop laughing at.

This joke came from my 5 year old, we have been saying knock knock jokes back and forth and he tells me his jokes that don't make sense. Today he told me this one and I don't think he realizes how funny it is. Here it is in his original wording.

*Knock knock*

Who's there?

Nobody...

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There was a rude monkey who always made fun of the a lion.

So there lion always ignored him and pretended the monkey didn't exist. Anyhow one time the monkey came and barraged the lion with insults, while a lioness was watching.

As usual the lion ignored, even though the monkey was on the ground, not even trying to hide.

Angry at the lion, th...

I once saw a ghost made of chocolate and vanilla

Ice creamed

I made a one minute long documentary on a U.S. island territory in Micronesia...

It's called Guam in 60 Seconds.

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Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. “Judy, Judy.”<...

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

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My Jewish friend made a joke about Hitler

I did Nazi that coming

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Did you hear about the guy that made the ass copy?

He kept it for posteriority!

I made a dating app for marionettes, and it failed.

Everyone wanted No Strings Attached dating.

Does anyone remember the joke I made about the Chiropractor?

It was about a weak back.

If Apple made a toilet, it would be very encouraging!

The iCan helps get your business done, and respects your privacy!

Where are the "Yes-men" and People Pleasers made?

The satisfactory

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I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour...

Just made up a joke and it’s brilliant! What does Donald trump and a Mac book pro have in common?

They aren’t PC

Made up on the spot, and told to me by my 13yo son just now: What's a dog's favorite type of meat?

Wag-yu.

I was watching an Australian cooking show this morning . The chef made meringue. The audience all cheered for him.

This surprised me. Australians usually boo-meringue.

What sound is made when you drop a piano on a toddler?

A flat minor.

My mom made me a bowl of soup yesterday

Still trying to figure out how to return to my human form.

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I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days

But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets.

Just learned that French fashion designers are trying to develop a clothing line made from frozen water.

I SWEAR!!

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe.

I made a belt with a watch as the buckle

Turned out to be a waist of time.

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Man made climate change is really annoying me!

I wish the jerks that keep changing the climate would just set it at 70 degrees Fahrenheit year round and be done with it!

Atoms can't actually touch. We're all made of atoms and all mater is atoms which can neither be created or destroyed.

so to answer your question, no officer I did not punch that child

A woodworker made some coffee tables to sell

A woodworker made some coffee tables to sell on marketplace, but none of them sold.

It turns out they weren't poplar.

I'm sure I am not the first redditor to think this up, but I did use search function for the last year and found nothing, so apologies if it's a repost or just not funn...

What does women breast and Disney land have in common?

They are made for kids but adults enjoy them!

So today I had an idea for an invention because I was bored. A belt made out of watches.

After I finished connecting the watches to one another I realized something.

It was a big waist of time.

Made this one up on the spot at the jewelry store

The jeweler: "Do any of these pieces scream 'take me home' to you?"

Me: if they were screaming, I wouldn't *want* to take them home.

Most people don’t believe me, but I can promise you that I made clothing from frozen water.

Ice wear.

I made this one up: What do you call a butcher with a degree?

A meateorologist

A guy got chatting to a girl in a club. "Can I buy you a drink?" he asked.....

"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few ...

So, I was in my room and I saw a group of 10 ants just running frantically. I felt bad, so I made a small house out of a cardboard box. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my...

Tenants

A linguistic philosopher made the claim that there is no language in which a double positive implies a negative during a lecture.

To which someone responded, "Yeah, yeah."

Why did king Arthur's wife marry him?

Because he made her Camelot.

I made a chicken salad yesterday

"was it any good?"

I don't think so, he only ate the croutons

My buddy said he made a voodoo doll of me

I think he's pulling my leg

I was griling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices made my mouth water.... Got me thinking....

Do vegetarians have the same effect when mowing a lawn ?

If you made a guess, would google be male or female?

Definitely a female, she won’t let you finish a sentence without trying to finish it for you!

I didn’t feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner

It wasn’t so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.

I guess more just grain.

Fermented grain.

Distilled, fermented grain.

I had whisky for dinner tonight.

Offering his flesh for bread and his blood for wine, Jesus Christ made...

the ultimate snackrifice

A physicist on trial for murder stated that Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle made it impossible to place him at the scene of the crime

The judge gave him a life sentence and told him to use his expertise to determine what quantity of his person was within or outside of prison at any given time

An old man walks into a jewelry with a much younger gal

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring ov...

I tried to build myself an armchair, but I screwed up some of the measurements and made it too wide

So near, and yet sofa

Google just test fired the first fully automated rifle ever made, but it jammed on the first shot!

While going through the diagnostics R&D figured out the problem: ERR 404, GUN FAILED TO LOAD.

My girlfriend told me she’s pregnant which made me cry...

I know what it is like to grow up without a father

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You m...

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A gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed t...

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The 40 year old virgin.

John was 40 years old, but still a virgin. He tried everything possible to get laid, but to no avail. So as a last resort, he decided to pray to the angels up in heaven.

He made it a habit of praying, before going to bed.10 years passed and on his 50th birthday, an angel appeared before him ...

Burying my wife made me feel like an iPhone

Was so damn hard throwing away the box I came in

My girlfriend's dog just died, so I got her an identical one to cheer her up. It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

"Detective, we found the body eviscerated under an altar made of antlers."

Detective: "Dear, God..."

Officer: "Yeah, probably."

Breaking: English to be made the official language of the EU!

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-E...

I made fun of British accents

They called it H Speech

The nurse hands a man his newborn and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

He responds "well give me the one my wife made."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fucking Chuck Norris joke I made when I was 7

What happens when Chuck Norris kicks the bucket?

He breaks a couple floors

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

I made strawberry preserves today.

It was a jarring experience.

I'm 30 years old and I finally made the decision to live alone...

I already left my parents' bags out of the house

Death Row Prisoners revolted and made their own government

I don't really believe in it - it's a condemned-nation.

Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...

But that’s comparing apples to oranges.

I once made a car from wood.

The chassis was made from wood.
I made the wheels from wood.
The doors and hinges, all wooden.
The engine was tricky to make, but all made from wood, right down to the ebony piston rings.

It's was beautiful peice of craftsmanship, the only problem with it was that...

It woode...

Made love to my wife for 64 minutes last night

Thanks, Daylight Savings Time!

Some Yank had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.

We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.


We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.

What breed of horse is made out of cheese?

A mascapony

Wanna know how to learn englis? (probrobly made before, if so then i havent seen it)

Spill oil on the ground and then wait for the us army, they will teach you.

I know potato jokes have been made

I’m just here to rehash them

Just made up a 100-year-old joke:

What do you call a metal dog?

>!Rin Tin Tin!<

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A young monk arrives at a monastery.

He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old laws of the church by hand. However, he notices that all of the monks are copying from copies; not from the original manuscript.

He decides to bring this up to the head monk; pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the...

A little boy with Downs runs to his dad to show him a drawing he made...

"Excellent son, good job!"

The dad says.

"I'd rate this 47/46."

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young ...

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