Congratulations to me! I just made my last mortgage payment!

I still owe like $262,000, but I'm just not going pay them any more.

My 7 yr old just made this one up: What do you say when a dinosaur farts?

That was a blast from the past!

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

6 yr old son made this up. What do exploding pandas eat?

BAMBOOM!

Ted Cruz almost made America great again....

...but then the idiot came back

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Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same

Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.

What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins

For my cake day, a joke I made up as a kid: Why is Aquaman such a dedicated super hero?

Because he was born with a sense of porpoise.

I was watching an Australian cooking show this morning . The chef made meringue. The audience all cheered for him.

This surprised me. Australians usually boo-meringue.

A linguistic philosopher made the claim that there is no language in which a double positive implies a negative during a lecture.

To which someone responded, "Yeah, yeah."

My buddy said he made a voodoo doll of me

I think he's pulling my leg

Offering his flesh for bread and his blood for wine, Jesus Christ made...

the ultimate snackrifice

If you made a guess, would google be male or female?

Definitely a female, she won’t let you finish a sentence without trying to finish it for you!

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe.

I was griling a steak earlier and the smell of the juices made my mouth water.... Got me thinking....

Do vegetarians have the same effect when mowing a lawn ?

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

My girlfriend told me she’s pregnant which made me cry...

I know what it is like to grow up without a father

I made strawberry preserves today.

It was a jarring experience.

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A fucking Chuck Norris joke I made when I was 7

What happens when Chuck Norris kicks the bucket?

He breaks a couple floors

Does anyone remember the joke I made about the Chiropractor?

It was about a weak back.

I didn’t feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner

It wasn’t so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.

I guess more just grain.

Fermented grain.

Distilled, fermented grain.

I had whisky for dinner tonight.

I know potato jokes have been made

I’m just here to rehash them

The nurse hands a man his newborn and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

He responds "well give me the one my wife made."

I tried one of those "Try Not To Laugh" challenges, but barely made it halfway before cracking up.

I guess you could say... I fought the LOL, and the LOL won.

I once made a car from wood.

The chassis was made from wood.
I made the wheels from wood.
The doors and hinges, all wooden.
The engine was tricky to make, but all made from wood, right down to the ebony piston rings.

It's was beautiful price of craftsmanship, the only problem with it was that...

It woode...

Some Yank had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.

We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.


We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.

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She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

Breaking: English to be made the official language of the EU!

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-E...

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So I'm in an airplane right now and the pilot just made an announcement...

About safety and all that and when it was finished I guess he forgot to turn off the PA announcer. So not knowing that everyone on the plane can hear whatever he say on the PA system, he tells the co-pilot, "I can't wait to drink a cup of coffee and fuck one of these flight attendants."

One o...

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

At the Irish wedding reception, the D.J. yelled, "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.

The bartender was almost crushed.

I made a miscarriage joke at a party last night but noone laughed.

I probably didn't deliver it correctly

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"


To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his<...

I made a pencil with two erasers.

It was pointless.

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My wife and i made a list of people we would have sex if we got the opportunity

She chose Channing Tatum,David Beckham,Brad Pitt,Chris Hemsworth and Bradley Cooper.I chose her sister,her cousin that was at our wedding,neighbours wife,girl that works as a clerk in Walmart and our son’s biology teacher

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Anal swabs are made compulsory for all international travellers to China.

This is in line with their "China first" policy. First China enters you, then you enter China.

As a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn’t afford a dog.

I made a joke about procrastination.

I guess I'll just post it later.

What did 50 Cent say when his Mom gave him a scarf she made?

Gee! You knit?

I made breakfast in bed for my girlfriend on Valentine's day?

It was a hearty meal

An accountant made a tinder, what’s in his bio?

Gentleman in the streets, and a freak in the excel spreadsheets

What do you call a well made eucalyptus beverage?

Quality koala tea

I made a discord account for my puppy

So he gets groomed for free

I made a pencil with two erasers.

It was pointless...

PS: I actually didn't, but it's my favourite bad joke, and it's my cake day, so I can do whatever I want!

Edit #1: If you didn't see my comment somehow, I feel scammed, because at the time of posting this, I yet had like 2 hours of my cake day left. I guess Reddit d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 9yo made a joke: what happens when you shoot someone in the butt?

You give them a butt hole.

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Today I made the mistake of masturbating without a tissue or a sock nearby

I should have known that would cum in handy

Did you hear about the road made of body parts?

They call it the Organ Trail

My girlfriend's dog just died, so I got her an identical one to cheer her up. It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

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I made a vegan cake out of Pokemon

It was butterfree

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Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. “Judy, Judy.”<...

A friend of mine had an idea for a subscription box that came with everything you needed to make something akin to Pita bread but softer and made with yogurt...

I had to tell him it was a naan-starter...

Officer: The Victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

Detective: Dear God!


Officer: Yes, I guess so!

what did the british guy say when he discovered that tea was first made in china?

real tea is often disappointing



repost because the first one had too many spelig misteks

So this girl asked for my phone number this morning, but I really wasn't into her, so I made one up.

Jokes on me though, now I don't know if my car passed the MOT or not.

I made a post but had to take it down.

Someone took a fence.

A contractor offered his client a choice of table tops made of various rock types.

Contractor: Here we’ve got some limestone. It’ll really bring the room together, man.

Client: I’m not too sure about that. It doesn’t wow me all that much.

Contractor: Well, I’ve got marble here. It’s pretty unique and could give you that one of a kind look you’re wanting.

Clien...

I know a nun who has a tendency to go around wearing a horrible garment made of German sausages

It must be her Wurst Habit

I made a female human laugh today

and the best part is it happened after she saw my face.

My friends and I made a quarantine joke that I really want to share

But as an inside joke, you wouldn't get it.

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My ex broke up with me because she said just the sight of me made her constipated.

She was so full of shit.

Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of his life, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which caused him to be rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a:

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

My 10 year old Son just came up with this one and I couldn't be more proud: What's Batman's favourite fruit?

A Banananananananananananananananana

EDIT: Thank you everyone for the awards and kind words! Just to clarify:

* Yes, he does know the 60's batman theme. My partner loves campy batman so it was inevitable. [The Simpsons](https://youtu.be/TQepz5rsS6E?t=88) also made sure of that.
* Gi...

I think I made a mistake...

...when I bought all of those GameStop chairs.

What fish is made out of two sodium atoms?

2 Na

An Native American chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief ...

I would have made a joke about carbon dating...

...but it would have gotten old very quickly.

On the way to a teacher convention the pilot makes an announcement, before taking off I should tell you that the plane has been made by your students

All the teachers throw themselves out the door as quick as possible except one, the pilot puzzled comes closer and asks him:

- do you trust that much your students?

- Of course, the teacher answers with a peaceful voice, I'm pretty sure the plane won't even start.

A group of physicists held a beach party. They had fun so made it an annual event.

It's becoming a really popular wave function.

Before ordering takeout, the Indian guy made himself some piping hot tea, but spilled it on himself.

He got chai knees.

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How babies are made

A 10 year old girl asks her mom “how was I born?” The mother smiles and replies “Once upon a time me and your daddy decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth, and I took care of it every single day. After a while, the seed started to grow more and more leaves. And in a few ...

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My rap album never made big-bucks

Cause of the diss-counts

If apple made a car

Would it have windows?

A company made toy Titanics, but they weren't meant to be used in bathtubs.

They were made for the sink.

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Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

Fun fact: the first french fries weren’t made in France

They were made in Greece

I made a playlist for when I go hiking

It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.

I made a Jesus joke today...

And I completely nailed it.

(Please don't crucify me this was just for a pun)

Growing up in a family involved with the mob, I never quite understood what my mom meant when she said that dad was a “made man”

Until I walked in on him banging the maid.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not ...

What kind of cheese is made backwards?

Edam

One day my mum made a stew out of cow intestines.

It tasted offal.

I got an awesome stereo made of cake.

It's a gateau blaster.

A viking adds symbols to an axe he has just made ...

" Oh no iv runed it"

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Whoever made the hourglass...

Must of had a lot of time on his hands.

My wife made up this joke in a dream and woke herself up laughing...

Q: How do you tell the difference between a Golder Retriever and a Dalmatian?

A: You get down on the floor and spin them around real fast. One of them is yellow and the other one is gray.

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I've made up my mind. I'm choosing a career path as an electrician.

I just found out they get to work with dikes and strippers.

What transformer is made out of cardboard and shows up in two days?

Amazon prime

What do you call fortifications made to strengthen a battering ram?

Ramifications.

Joke made from personal experience What’s purple and makes you cry?

Mamas flipflop

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

I made a coronavirus joke on r/Jokes

It went viral

A reporter is interviewing a wealthy investor and asks what the secrets were to his success. “Well, I’ll tell you one of the best financial decisions I made was based on stock advice I got from a shoe shiner”

“I figured if my shoe shiner is giving out stock tips, it’s probably right to get out of the market”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m going to build a fence made entirely from poop...

I’ll have to start with a shit post.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first time posting here, made up this one late night so, please be gentle with me kind stranger...

So a Cambodian guy walks into a bar,
He orders a drink from the bartender.
The bartender was new to the place and hasn't seen much foreigners so confused by the customer's race he makes conversation saying.
"Hey your people are famous for their great sushi I've heard"

The guy looks...

Jeff Bezos’ next big project is to have custom made suits delivered to your house within 48 hours.

It’s called Tailor Swift.

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, bec...

I made a belt out of herbs ...

what a waist of thyme.

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

My 6 year old just made this one up, really proud. If a pear “paralyzes” you, what does an apple do?

It paralyzes you.

My first grader made this one up: What do you call the northern lights when they're not very interesting?

Aurora Boringalis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour...

Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle h...

When I was younger I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma!

Unfortunately, no one at the funeral was impressed

A joke my husband made up...What kind of gum does Trump chew?

Double impeachmint. (Yes he is a Dad....)

Made My Own Grand kids

With a patient in my medical exam room:

Me: How old are your kids?

Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13.

Me: That’s quite the age difference!

Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grandkids, so I ...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

The Indian restaurant down the road introduced a revolting new appetiser to their menu made of bread.

It was a naan-starter for me.

What do you call a color you just made up?

A pigment of your imagination!

My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"

My mom answered ‟Who?”

‟Your daughter”

courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

A man and his wife barely made it in time to the airport

Husband: "We should have taken the fridge with us"




Wife: "In the name of God, why?"




Husband: "Our tickets are on it"

If Elon musk and Bill gates made an enlargement pill, then

It would be called Elongate

Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...

But that’s comparing apples to oranges.

Original (well I made it up hope it hasn’t been done before)

Where do math teachers go out to eat?

K(c), but when they are cooking at home they use their pizza O(n).

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: "Doctor doctor, the Covid pandemic has made my dick go orange..."

Doctor: "That's strange, can you tell me about your daily routine?"

Me: "Well we've been stuck in the house so I've been pretty much just watching porn and eating Cheetos"

my daughter made this gem up: what is the most popular console with the vikings?

the axe-box

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

His hand caught fire.

What did Lieutenant Worf say when he made rainbow T-shirts with his son?

“Today *is* a good day to dye!”

Boss said he’d fire me if I made any more country puns

It was the end of my Korea

I've just been made redundant from my job in a pasta making factory!!!!

All I did was make a fusilli mistakes!

I don't know whether there is a dumpling-shaped pasta made of potato flour, but I'll believe it when I see it.

You can say I'm agnocchic.

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