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I made a sex playlist for me and my girlfriend

Her complaint was that it was only 30 seconds long.

A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?

A chicken

A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday.

This joke would be funny if it had a punchline wooden tit?

No one laughed at my joke I made in school so maybe you guys will like it

What do you call an english teacher who knows how to code

A pro-grammar

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there's more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roo...

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I once made love to a woman with twelve breasts...

Sounds nice, *doesn't it*?

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed.

Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."

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My penis made it into the Guinness Book of World Records!

Librarian told me to take it out though

OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on the altar made of antlers

DETECTIVE: dear god!

OFFICER: most likely, yes

Dude explaining how he made his first $10 million:

1. Get up at 5:00AM every day
2. 90 minutes of cardio
3. Take a cold shower
4. Journal
5. Schedule out your day
6. Dad owns Fortune 500 company
7. Meditate

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

The Nagging wife.Frank the farmer had a nagging wife. She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day while in the field, Frank’s wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank’s old donkey kicked up his back legs, struck her in the head killing her instantly.

At the funeral, the Priest noticed t...

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

The guy who made autocorrect has died

Restoration in peace

I’ve designed an aeroplane made entirely from rubber, so if it crashed, it would bounce

It’s a boing 747

What do you call a belt made of watches?

A waist of time

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

Today I accidentally made my coffee with red bull instead of water.

I got halfway to work before I realised I forgot my car.

There was a tribe that made new thrones for each chief, while burning the previous throne.

One day, a man thought, "Hey, let's just store these thrones in memorium of our previous chiefs!"

So the man started storing each of the thrones in his grass hut. Over the years, the number of thrones rose. For each year there was a new chief, the previous throne was stored in his grass hut.<...

As a kid I was made to walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

What cheese is made backwards?

Edam…

I made a playlist for hiking.

It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.

I call it my trail mix.

My friend was mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I can't tell if it was because the rest of his family was there, or because they were still on her.

It sure made the rest of the funeral awkward.

I submitted 10 puns to a joke-writing competition to see if any of them made the finals.

Sadly, no pun in ten did.

A new Taken movie is being made.

In it, Liam Neeson feels like nobody appreciates the effort he went through to get his family back. So he pays people to kidnap him to make his family see the lengths he went through to save them.

It’s going to be called Taken 4 Granted.

my six year old told me this joke he made

Why doesn’t the pig want to go to the fresh juice shop?

Cause he doesn’t want to get squeezed!

I used an AI to generate jokes. Here's what it made:

why did the chicken cross the road?

I had a stroke, so I went to the doctor, and the doctor told me to get my legs



The lobster goes to the doctor...

F\*\*\* me.



What's the best thing about being a plant?

They're all in a hurry to get it done
...

My parents made a decent living as fisherman even though they could only afford a boat made of balsa wood.

They didn't have real hardship.

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I haven't made up my mind around masturbation

Cuz on one hand it feels good.

-Bo Burnham

Seven wise men, with knowledge so fine, made something special of their design.

The first was a butcher, all full of wit. With some meat and a knife, he made a small slit.

The second, a blacksmith, quite strong and quite bold, hit the slit with a hammer and made a hole.

The third was a tailor, quite tall and quite thin. With a piece of red ribbon, he lined it with...

I just made money for the first time as a programmer

I sold my laptop

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby ...

Almond oil is made by crushing almonds,

Peanut oil is made by crushing peanuts, coconut oil is made by crushing coconuts.

I really feel horrible about all those babies.

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After God made all the animals

He went to Adam and Eve he told them

" I have two leftover traits that I think you should have it, first I have the ability to urinate while standing

Adam, interrupting god said: " please let me have it, it will go very well with my member, this is made for man, please God please pleas...

To celebrate my cake cay I treated myself to a new stereo made of cake...

It's a gateau blaster!!




(Not new or original, but it always makes me chuckle. And in five years this is the first cake day I've managed to post on!)

I got a friend who is a demolition expert. One day, I made a bet with him, a dollar that he couldnt raze the whole neighbourhood

No matter who wins, its still four quarters gone

98% of all Jeeps ever made are still on the road today.

The other 2% made it home.

Made this one up at work today.

There once was an ancient Greek philosopher that dedicated his life to hypothesize the perfect way to cool off on a hot summer day.

His name was Popsicles.

I got caught stealing a killer whale made of mahogany.

That's orca wood.

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I made a website full of sexy images of Archduke Ferdinand. It's called...

OnlyFranz

What sounds like a sneeze and is made of leather?

A-Shoe

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My uncle was vegan. That made his porn interesting.

The first porno I saw was Debbie Does Sallad.

I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.

My 7 yr old just made this one up: What do you say when a dinosaur farts?

That was a blast from the past!

For my cake day, a Harry Potter joke I made up when I was a kid...

*Knock-knock*

~ Who’s there?

~ You know

~ you know who?

*avada kedavra!*

Sorry if everyone knows that one, 7 year old me thought I was being very clever.

I asked my Arabic friend how he made all his money…

He said it was 3 simple steps:

Step 1: Be named Muhammed.
Step 2: Start a new religion.
Step 3: Prophet.

I loved the sound a bird made this morning...

...so I re-tweeted it.

Congratulations to me! I just made my last mortgage payment!

I still owe like $262,000, but I'm just not going pay them any more.

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What do Tetris and sex have in common?

There’s no winning, it’s just about how long you last


Edit: stop saying I obviously don’t have sex. We’re on reddit. Isn’t that obvious by now?
Also ty to all the absolutely hilarious comment, y’all have made my day

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

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They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper..

But it wouldn't take shit from anybody

6 yr old son made this up. What do exploding pandas eat?

BAMBOOM!

Someone made a post saying 'Privacy is Important'...

...the post was on Facebook

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

McDonalds just released a new sandwich made entirely of beef lips.

They're calling it the McJagger.

If Apple made a car what would it be missing?

Windows...

My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

When did pinochio discover he was made of wood?

He tried jacking off and set himself on fire.

Every thing is made in China apart from babies.

They are made in Vachina.

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

My six year old made her own joke and is so proud

What’s a chicken’s favorite music?

Bach Bach

I made a graph showing all of my past relationships.

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.

When I was a kid I had a penpal who lived in southeast Asia who worked in an athletic clothes sweatshop. I would send him gifts from America and he would send me different clothes he made at work. His name was Chen, but I called him Bean Burrito.

Because he made me puma pants.

I watched a movie made by Sofia Coppola

Unfortunately It was Lost in translation

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What is donkey bread made of?

Dat ass dough…

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

A joke I made when I was a kid: Why do cops always smell?

Because they are always on duty!

There was once a time period where musicians never made any money....

During the Baroque period.

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I made a suitcase out of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

It's jam packed.

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NFSW A young man had made up his mind to become a lumberjack. So he takes all his tree falling equipment to a lumberjack camp in Quebec.

On his first day he does very well. Keeping up with the other lumberjacks all day.

When the evening meal came, he joined the circle sitting around the campfire, eating the standard
woodsmen's fare; beans & black coffee.

Around the middle of their meal one of the largest lumberj...

What made the fish swim funny?

It was a dull fin

I made an account on a dating site for people with sleep apnea.

I got a couple of messages but I'm too tired to check them out.

So Hawaii recently made a new law in regards to noise and the increase of noise complaints due to an uprising in loud laughter.

They now have to use a low ha

For my cake day, a joke I made up as a kid: Why is Aquaman such a dedicated super hero?

Because he was born with a sense of porpoise.

Last night I made fish tacos

They looked at them and just swam away.

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please list...

I finally made a social media account, but my only followers were my parents.

Maybe I should try branching out from OnlyFans.

What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

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One day a man made a schedule for his wife.

He said that she had to strictly follow it or he would divorce her. It told her when to wake up, make breakfast, do the laundry, make dinner and when to have sex. Some time later the man went out drinking against his wife's wishes, so she called him and said: "I have a strict schedule and i will fol...

What do you call 2 pirates that like each other?

a pirate ship


i know it sucks but i literally made this on the spot like a couple mins ago and thought to share it

A joke i made

What do you call shaq singing kiss from a rose





Shaquille O'Seal

What do you call a firearm made out of salt?

A salt rifle.

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In an alcohol factory the regular tester died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said,”It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers.” “...

Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you ...

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

Three men were buried under a landslide in China

Three men were buried under a landslide in China.

They're inside a car when it happened, and miraculously still have cell phone connection.

The first man made a phone call to the police:

"I'm a good citizen and husband, please come save us!"

The police tell him they will ...

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Made for each other - a thread

How would you describe the perfect couple of eggs?

- Laid for each other

How would you describe the perfect couple of prostitutes?

- Paid for each other

How would you describe the perfect couple of necrophilliacs?

- Dead for each other


How would you desc...

Yosemite was made a national park...

so people wouldn't take it for granite.

There's this one country I think is made up

I don't think Israel

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Man and logic

So a man had three girlfriends and he needed to choose one of them to marry so he gave them each 5 grand to see what they would do with it

The first spent it all on herself- getting her hair done, nails done, outfits so that she could look amazing for him

The second took the money an...

I made a Salad for 23 people to destroy

It was a Caesar salad

I am unhappy with my made up, mediocre cheesy joke about my bad grammar.

I want to make a gouda one.

A religious man was thinking about how good his wife was to him, so he prayed to god to give thanks.

To the man’s astonishment, the booming voice of god spoke to him.

**Man:** God, I’m so grateful that you gave me my wife. If I may ask, my Lord, why did you make her so beautiful?

**God:** I made her so beautiful so that you could love her, my son.

**Man:** And why did you mak...

What do you call a prince who made a mistake?

A heirror

TIFU - I made a bad decision and now I can't get my laptop fixed.

FYI This is a story from last year, not today.

So I had a laptop that was playing up. The screen kept going all janky. One day there was a popping noise and a smell of burning plastic, so I thought that was enough and I contacted the service department.

I found out they had an office...

What do you call the drink that the Old town road singer made, which was a hot drink, but no one liked it?

Its a lil bit NasTea.

Does anyone remember the joke I made about the Chiropractor?

It was about a weak back.

Three sisters die in a car crash.

Three sister die in a car crash. All three sisters make it up to heaven where they are greeted by God himself. God opens the pearly gates to reveal ducks everywhere

God says “Welcome to heaven, there is only one rule here. The only thing you can not do is step on any of the ducks so you must...

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An arab was wrongfully taken into custody at the airport..

After feeling humiliated by the incident he decided to hire a lawyer to sue the TSA

The lawyer tells him “I’m sorry this happened to you. Ever since 9/11, your people have been forced to live in fear. This needs to stop! Now tell me exactly what happened?”

The arab goes on to explain h...

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A joke my 9 year old made up: How do you get poop on your sister's forehead?

With dad's toothbrush

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A high school principal made an announcement at an assembly.

He said, "Boys and girls, the faculty have witnessed an alarming increase in public displays of affection, which are against school policy. Effective immediately, we will start issuing fines to those caught doing this. A first offense will be $5. A second offense will be $10. A third offense will be...

A Joke My Dad Made Up When I Was Around 9 Years Old...

Knock, Knock


Who's There?


Afro


Afro Who?


Afro You Over The Fence

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

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Three construction workers, an Australian, a Finn and a Swede, are sitting on a beam on the tenth floor about to have their lunch.

The Australian opens his lunch box and says "Bloody hell - meat pies again! Every day it's bloody meat pies! If I get meat pies again tomorrow, I'm going to jump!"

The Finn opens up his lunch next. "Saatana! Makkara (sausage) again! Always sausages! If I get sausage tomorrow, I'm gonna jump t...

"Hey, that's a cool looking Olympic medal. How did you win it? Where did you win it? What material is it made from?"

"Iran."

Joke my 12 year old son made up: What do you call it when you throw Mexican food at high velocity?

Fa-yeet-a

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