A plane carrying Donald Trump made an emergency landing in New Orleans after alleged engine failure over the Gulf of Mexico.

Turns out there was just a loud whine coming from the right wing.

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[NSFW] A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"<...

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

We thought it was our ability to love that made us human,

but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.

A joke nobody has heard before because I made it up!

There was a man who made himself an outfit completely out of knives. Everywhere he went, any man who saw his outfit said he looked good but any woman who saw him went completely insane! Why?

It's because every girl goes crazy for a sharp-dressed man.

Two bowling teams, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes,

charter a double-decker bus for a weekend tournament in Atlantic City.

The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus, and the blonde team rides on the top level.

The brunette team down below is whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anyth...

My daughter just made this one up… What do you call a unicorn with two horns?

A goat.

I made a belt out of old wrist watches

Only to find it was a waist of time.

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My 10 year old son made this one up. Why doesn't a snowman wear snow pants?

Because his snow balls are too big.

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe

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I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour...

Made an Eastern European friend on a chess forum.

He was my Czech mate.

President Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv…

President Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.

Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Putin sees his driver staggering back...

I just watched an Australian cooking show and the audience cheered when the chef made meringue.

I was surprised...usually Australians boo meringue.

Yo mamma so fat... if she was murdered her chalk outline would be a circle..

I know it's not mine. But just heard it for the first time the other day. Made me smile. What is your favorite yo mamma jokes? Would love to read them

I once made a chemistry joke....

It made no reaction.

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A wife and husband are having money issues. One day they decide to have the wife work the corner. Later that night the husband goes to pick the wife up. He asks, "How much did you make, sweetie?" She answers, "I made $200.50." The husband says, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?"

She replies, "All of them."

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The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, havin...

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

When Bigfoot made love to Scarlett Johansson we expected him to brag about it.

Yeti remained humble.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch all die and go to the afterlife.

A Christian, a Muslim, and a Witch of the Norse gods all die and go to the afterlife.

They find that, waiting for them at the entrance to the afterlife is Anubis, waiting with a set of scales, with a feather on one side.

Above Anubis is a sign, "You wait with your heart, if less than f...

What do you call a sign made out of glass?

Clear instructions.

Did you see the new movie they made about an air conditioner?

Wasn’t a fan

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The young couple next door to me recently made a sex tape

I mean they do not know it yet.

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I've made a huge mistake.

I've mixed up the words Jacuzzi and Yakuza.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia

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I made pot brownies with laxatives…

You know, for shits and giggles.

What do you call a kebab made by a librarian?

A Shhhhhish-kebab.

I made a concoction with half part laxatives and 4 parts alphabet soup...

I call it Letter Rip.

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There was once a man with a very long penis,

it was so long that he needed a surgery to end his suffering. so he made an appointment and and got a doctor to do the surgery.
Several days later the guy has done his surgery and now is recovering in the hospital.
So he asks his doctor how did he cut it
The doctor answers “i cut 170 cm and...

What do you call a cat made out of Iron?

Fe-line

Did you know that Albert Einstein was completely made up?

He’s just a theoretical physicist.

I was told I'll never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.

Today I made my first money as a Programmer.

I sold my laptop.

Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.

"So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire.

"Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!"

"An elephant? Are you crazy?"

"It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride ...

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Homemade dildo

A man had just recently gotten into woodworking. He had made a nice table, some chairs, and a few other things around the house.

One day, his wife came up to him and asked if he could try to make her a dildo. He found the request to be a bit odd, but being the great husband he is, he agreed. ...

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The aspiring comedian (not that funny but I made it myself)

So this aspiring comedian went to his local comedy club, like he did most weekends, and to his surprise his all time favorite comedian was doing a out of the blue performance at his local comedy club.

So he bought him self a ticket and proceeded to have one of the best nights of his life, ...

No joke, Dubai spent billions on a bunch of man-made islands and they are now sinking.

guess all the money in the world can't help erect-isle dysfunction.

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A Canadian, an American and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration, he spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

T...

Given that pico de gallo is made with regular tomatoes...

...we'd need really big tomatoes to make nano de gallo

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A girl is invited to her boyfriend’s family dinner. But she made a mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans beforehand. When she is on her way, she feels the need to fart, but she figures she can wait until she gets to his house.

When she arrives, his parents are so happy to meet her. His parents immediately invite her to the dining table. Since dinner is almost ready, she feels bad to step out. She figures she can wait until dinner is over. Unfortunately, 15 minutes later, she can’t hold it any longer. At the same time, his...

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As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits,

but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

Wh...

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

My budgie broke his leg so I made him a splint out of matches.

You should have seen his little face light up when he tried to walk!

I noticed the ship's navigator was scribbling on the table and not the map which made think....

...this guy is off the chart!!!

Was going to post an original joke my parents made 27 years ago

But r/jokes won't let me post my selfies

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I made a sex playlist for me and my girlfriend

Her complaint was that it was only 30 seconds long.

France just made a 2 letter abbreviation for their country

Oh, fr?

I made little coins out of some Indian flatbread

I thought they were cool, but my mom said it was nothing but naan cents.

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I called my college roommate all sorts of bad names, but the only one that made him cry was “olive oil”

Both are extra virgin

I would tell you how C. S. Lewis made his living...

but it's narnia business

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I made a comment earlier that people who are lactose intolerant should just eat anything and deal with the consequences later.

It caused quite the shitstorm.

A blonde tried to sell her old car...

She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250 000 miles.

One day she told her problem to a friend she worked with. The friend told her,

“There is a way to make the car easier to sell but it’s not legal.”

“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde.

“O...

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God made me.

When God made me, he gave me a choice of having a long memory or a long penis.
I don't remember what I picked.

I made a pencil with two erasers

It was pointless

90% of the money I have made....

...has been spent on hard liquor, loose women, and other pleasures of the flesh.


The rest I squandered.

I was recently made redundant from my job at the Greengrocers



They gave me a months Celery, and four leeks in lieu of notice

Officer: The Victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers.

Detective: Dear God

Officer: Most likely yes

Amazon has started a new service where they deliver custom made shirts within 48 hours of ordering.

It’s called Tailor Swift.

A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?

A chicken

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Made some Indian food for dinner the other night. While telling my wife what was in it, I said I'd used butter in one part, but wished I'd had some ghee instead. She looked at me quizzically, and I continued "Because it's more traditionally Indian."

"Ah," she replied. "Thanks for clarifying."

&nbsp;

Note: this actually happened! She's a gem and I'm keeping her.

What plant is made of iron and steel?

Power plant

It's annoying how nothing is made in the USA anymore.

I just bought a TV, and it wrote "Built in Antenna" on the box.

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of 100$ bills on the counter

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks d...

How do we know that the COVID virus wasn't made in China?

Because it has been 3 years and it's still working

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Once there was a queen had the most massive pair of breasts in the kingdom

The knight-captain was obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day the knight-captain revealed his secret desire to his old friend who was the royal physician. The physician thought ab...

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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, each telling tall tales.

The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. The other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."

The second cowboy says. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a f...

A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday.

This joke would be funny if it had a punchline wooden tit?

I swear, nothing is made in America anymore.

My new TV says "Built In Antenna," and I don't even know where the hell that is!!!

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset.

she screamed at me and said "what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

Dude explaining how he made his first $10 million:

1. Get up at 5:00AM every day
2. 90 minutes of cardio
3. Take a cold shower
4. Journal
5. Schedule out your day
6. Dad owns Fortune 500 company
7. Meditate

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A woman goes to the doctor and says,

“Doctor, my husband is an animal in the bedroom. He wants sex five, six, seven times a day. I love the man and the sex, but it’s just too much. Can you help me?”

The doctor replied, “Well, medically, I can’t really think of anything. Theoretically, this might work. From now on, whenever he de...

What do you call a Czechoslovakian government made of tightropes and skateboards?

A system of Czechs and balances!

Feel free to tell your history teacher, they'll probably laugh.

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

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A mail carrier is about to retire…

So he puts a note in all of his mailboxes letting people know that his last day would be at the end of the week.

On his last day, neighbors were showering him with gifts and praise for his many years of faithful service.

As he approaches a house in his route, he realizes that he’s ne...

A huge bloke decked in full hunting gear and with an entire dead wildebeest over his shoulder made his way to Nairobi airport.

As he approached the desk the airline attendant noted the wildebeest carcass but more alarmingly noticed that the suitcase he was dragging was bulging sporadically and clearly contained something large and very much alive. Feeling slightly nervous but determined to do his job the attendant challeng...

A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl

He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me"...

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I saw a sign that made me piss myself today, it said:

Toilets closed

THIS JUST IN: It's been reported that somebody made a hole in the fence surrounding the nudist colony.

Police are looking into it .

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I don't remember much about the films I made working in the Japanese porn industry

It was all a blur.

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddi...

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As a boy, I was made to believe that earwigs lived in ears

Henceforth, I was terrified of cockroaches

At first I didn’t like my mustache, because it made me look like a total dad.

But it’s growing on me.

Did you hear about the guy who invented dip made from garbanzo beans but didn't get any recognition for it?

He was honored posthummusly

A despondent young woman who had lost her job and her house had decided to commit suicide.

She was walking along a bridge across the harbor, getting the nerve to jump in, when a young man saw her.

"Don't do it!" he called out. He looked at her and realized she was incredibly beautiful. He came closer.

"What's wrong?" he asked. The woman told him.

"Okay, here's the thi...

I made an awful joke about an axe and no one laughed...

It wasn't very cleaver.

I made a little sandcastle with my grandpa.

Now I'm banned from the crematorium.

When I was 16 my bestfriend got super mad at me once and wouldnt talk to me for nearly 4 months for smelling his sisters underwear.

Idk if it was because she was still wearing them or that there was a lot of people around us, but either way, it made the rest of the funeral super awkward

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My penis made it into the Guinness Book of World Records!

Librarian told me to take it out though

The doctor handed me a baby...

The doctor said: "This is your son. I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."

I handed him the baby back. "Well, give me the one she made, then!"

The blonde's computer password had to be eight characters long and include at least one capital

So she made it "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyAlbany."

My grandmother made a great living driving funny cars in the 1960's.

She was a drag queen.

Why did the chicken go to the gym?

To build up it's pecs.

(apologies in advance. I made this up).

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate. During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there's more between him and his roommate.

Reading his mom's thought, his son volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roo...

My wife finally had enough of my "childish" hobbies and made me choose between my collection of plastic blocks and my fantasy costumes.

After making a hard decision, I'm now a legoless Legolas.

I made this one up today…. What is Santa’s favorite weather?

It’s rain, dear!

A couple made a trip the the hospital

Brandon Jackson and Mary Brown are a young couple who needed to rush to a hospital. Mary has been having so much pain it’s like she’s pregnant. The doctor says they’ll need Mary alone for the appointment, to which Brandon agrees.

Later, the doctor walks out and tells Brandon, “We have good ne...

Today, my math teacher from Boston made fun of me for having a lisp.

What a mathole!!!

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On Air Confession

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or serio...

A joke about sausages my little sister made up

Two French sausages are sat on a charcuterie board relaxing and having a catch up, talking about their wives and their children.
One sausage sees a smaller sausage on the other side of the board and turns to his friend. 

"I assume zat zis is your beautiful daughter?" 

"Oh, non, mon...

A joke I made up

There once lived an unmarried, flamboyant, lustful king who chased women and slept with everyone in his court. The day came for him to be married, and he went to see a local lord who was rumored to have two beautiful daughters. The king went to  meet the lord and his two beautiful daughters. After l...

A man having a chat with a barman says 'My wife made me a millionaire'. The barman replies 'Oh wow, what were you before that?'

'A multimillionaire' replies the man

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Call me Trumper if you must, but I've got proof masks don't do shit.

Last Thursday my wife went on a business trip and they made her wear a mask the whole time - but she got chlamydia anyway!

A FtM trans man gets asked what career path he wants to pursue.

He laughs and replies: “a mailman”

(A trans man made this)

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A Gentleman Is Walking Down The Street With A Duck

On the way he runs into a friend of his. The friend inquires about why he's holding the duck. To which the man replies:

"I know I have to get rid of it, but I love this duck. I'd have to trade it to someone who wants it and I just can't see myself letting it go for nothing. This is absolutely...

I was wondering why my printer made music.

Turns out it was just jamming.

No one laughed at my joke I made in school so maybe you guys will like it

What do you call an english teacher who knows how to code

A pro-grammar

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

I made a bad NFT pun.

Why can't you buy mushrooms with NFTs?
???
Because it's a Non **fungi**ble token .

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I’ve made the decision I’m not going to have kids.

They are gonna be pissed off when I tell them.

I went to get a booster today but froze and forgot my social security number, so I just made up a random one.

New year, new me

did you hear about the wine they made from a tire?

appearantly it was a goodyear

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Sitting in a bar

enjoying a drink a man is surprised when a stunning blonde sits down next to him and says "Hi Steve!"

"Well hello, gorgeous. How did you know my name? I'm certain I'd remember meeting you!"

"Steve, don't you recognize me? It's DAVE!"

"Dave?! Dave the quarterback from high school...

I made an outfit from asphalt.

I'm going for the street look.

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