UPJOKE
thatthosethemfromthouwithnotupontheyonewhatthereofthereonthereinwho

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcef...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said,"I bought th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large breasts or small breasts?"

The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"

The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."

"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"

"The coins of course."

"...

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross county adventure

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

Which one touches the ground faster, a feather or an emo kid?

The feather cuz the emo kid’s attached to a rope…

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandfather was a USAF pilot during the war. He personally flew 16 bombing runs over Japan, two of which were over Tokyo itself. But at the end of the war, they slung him out of the USAF. They didn't even give him his service medal.

I always thought he was hard done by. Everybody else in the Korean war got their service medal.

What do you call a large, gray animal which doesn't matter?

An irrelephant.

Which is heavier? 1kg of steel or 1kg of feathers?

The feathers because you have to carry the weight of what you did to those birds.

TIL alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there's an increased chance that...

...they *will* see you later!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctor: So you have bad and good news, which one you wanna hear first?

Patient: "Please, the bad one"

Doc: "Ok you have 1 month left to live"

Patient: "Damnn and what's the good wtf?"

Doc: "Do you see that hot nurse over there? Yep we are fucking"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have three holes, each of which are often filled with three solid rods at the same time. What am I?

An electric socket you sick fucks!

A man was arrested for telling a joke which called Vladimir Putin stupid.

He was tried and sentenced to 15 years and 3 months in a work camp.


When asked about the strangely specific sentence, the judge explained that he gave 3 months for insulting the president, and 15 years for divulging state secrets.

I'm not sure from which country is that happy soda...

... but it seems to be a merry can.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which type of clam you shouldn't fuck with?

Wu-tang clam!

Which fish is made out of 2 atoms of sodium?

Tuna

Which hand do you use to cut your steak?

Neither, you use a knife.

An elephant and an ape go to a party together. They want to bring some snacks: crackers and dips. Which of them buys the crackers?

The elephant.

Because the ape always buys the dip.

This past year has been a sad one. It would have been my Mother's 60th Birthday, which we would have celebrated with the whole family. But thanks to drugs, alcohol, and a whole lot of bad decisions...

We all forgot to show up.

Which US State is the most self absorbed?

Maine. It's always so "ME ME ME".

At a Diplomats' dinner, a waiter tripped and shattered the beautiful plate in which he was carrying a large turkey.

Hushed silence turned into a roar of  laughter, when the quick-witted Diplomat  announced:


"Gentlemen ! 

You have just witnessed 4 major international events happening :-


Fall of Turkey

Breakup of China

Spillage of Greece 

 and

Frustration of ...

Which part of the body do the Chinese care most about ?

The knee



cause they always greet each other by asking



knee how ?

Which branch of the military (US) is the most patriotic?

The United States Air Force. They’re US-AF

I took a survey of which shampoos women used in the shower

98% said what are you doing in my bathroom

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which is the most kosher martial art?

Jew jitsu

Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.

Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.

Charlie: When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.

Which state is round on both ends and tall in the middle?

***O-HI-O***

(ᴛʜᴀɴᴋs, ʙᴜɢs)

A teacher asked the students a question about bombs, which left them stumped...

So, the teacher asked a new clear question.

If video games were a human body, which would be the worst part?

Defeat

My brother told me he only buys shoes which are completely white

I can't believe I'm related to a white shoepremacist

I went to the doctor's about my blocked ear, "Which ear is it ?" he asked...

It's 2022 I replied..

Which tea is the hardest to swallow?

Reality

I entered ten puns in a contest to see which would win.

No pun in ten did.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which was the first 3d printer in the world?

A Vagina

which city you can't live in

Electricity!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man and his boss have to travel to a city 500 miles away. Due to cost cutting measures put in place by the boss, they take the train instead of the flight which was four hours faster.

As they entered their train compartment, the young man and the boss found themselves opposite to a gorgeous twenty something girl and her sixty year old looking mother.

Within a few minutes, the young man and the girl start giving quick glances at each other. After twenty minutes or so, the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

Which part of the piano is your favorite?

The black keys, or the white stripes?

My wife asked which of her friends would I prefer for a threesome.

Apparently I was supposed to stop at one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which US state is happiest to see its Japanese residents wake up?

Ohio.

Which are a shark's two favorite words?

Man overboard!

Maybe Jesus didn't like your chocolate?

So aliens come to earth and they're Sooo nice. There's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope excla...

Which sausages are the most immature?

The brats.

A man walks into the casino and asks a security guard which machine people get the most money from

The guard points to the ATM machine.

Which cakes are the saddest?

Wedding cakes - because they often end up in tiers!

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?



Neither. **The rooster came, and got the hen laid in the process.**



*(Biologist's answer: At some point a distant relative of the chicken laid an egg, and the mutations expressed in the chick's DNA would have it hatch as the first modern chicken - so the egg had to come first ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.

The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.

Fairy: "If anyone of you is ...

I asked my boss for a raise.

He said what for?

I told him 3 different companies are after me. He asked which ones?

I said: Gas, Water, and Electric.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

I asked my friend what was his major to which he replied, "archaeology"

And I said, "then you have a career in ruins"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three drunk guys were having a contest to see which of them was the best fighter

The first one says to the other two "See that horse and carriage parked right there? I will beat up everyone on board while suffering nothing more than a scratch." With drunken bravado, the man set out to fulfill the dare he had imposed upon himself. Minutes later, the man returned and true to his w...

My bride stood up in front of everyone. She said, "I would like to make a speech, but don't worry I'm not going to bore you with a long one," to which I smiled.

Until she added: "Instead I'll talk about the groom's good traits."

One of my friends stood up. "So, you won't be mentioning his taste in women?"

Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa, which is strange

You’d think he was from mad-at-gas-car.

My wife always tells me that I treat my kid unfair. I don't even know which one she means.

***Thomas, Jane or the fat and ugly one?***

Which country do neckbeards hate the most?

Chad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which month do men jerk off the least?

February. Because it’s the shortest

Which state has the best water?

Liquid state.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wanted to marry 3 women, so he developed a test to see which was the most fit.

he decided to give them each 10,000 dollars to see what they did.

the first women got plastic surgery and told him, “Look, I made myself extremely beautiful just for you!”

the second bought him many gifts and said, “Look! I have given you all the gifts I can!”

the third invested...

Which celebrity is known as the fastest house-flipper?

The Incredible Hulk

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Linda.

Her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, this distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So on...

Which country is the largest supplier of arms to Ukraine?

Russia

My wife suggested I start growing a beard, to which I was against initially against...

But now, I must say, its growing on me

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which day is full of shit?

SaTURDay

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions......... 1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? 2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?r>
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make som...

Which holes are the most addictive ones?

Alco holes

I broke up with a girl once because she was having hallucinations.

She said "Carl, I.. can't see you anymore"... That was weird. I was like- "Babe, I'm standing right here." then she said "No, you don't understand... I'm seeing someone else" which was really bizarre because it was just the two of us in the room. I had to break it off after that.

A British General and his Men

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office.

“Since we weren’t actuall...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor and a sex offender which live next to each other have the same house model.

After a while they both decide to sell their house. One day the sex offender comes up to the doctor and asks "hey doc, how much are you selling your house for?". "150k" anwsers the doctor. "Only 150? I am selling mine for 350k" says the sex offender. "Why are you selling it for that much, we have th...

Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Lookee here! We could buy a whole gob o’ these, take ‘em back to Georgia, sell 'em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.”

Now, I'll talk in a slo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She asked me which position do I really like ?

I said CEO, virgin staying strong.

During Cold War, Mossad, CIA and KGB argue which is the best secret service.

They decide to hunt for hogs in a forest. The organization with the most kills after one hour gets the award.

Mossad send in Schlomo, their best agent. After one hour he presents three hogs, all with a clean shot between the eyes.

CIA orders an attack helicopter, spots a sounder and k...

A Farmer and the Interviewer

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: Which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 liters per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 liters per day.



Interviewer: Where do they sleep?
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th Grade. Which one is the sexiest?

The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18.

Which planet appears largest in a telescope?

Earth

I started a 100 subject survey on which shampoo women prefer to use...

Only got to the 3rd shower before i was arrested.

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?” The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says “Sir, if you don’t get up, I will need to get my manager involved” Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off to get the ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

If your wife ever asks you which of her friends you want to have a threesome with,....

Do not give two names!

Which words of encouragement are totally inappropriate for veterinarians?

You're gonna kill it!

My chiropractor said he couldn't decide which vertebrae to crack.

Guess he had a bone to pick with me.

Polish, Ukrainian and Russian babies get mixed up in the hospital

Now, parents are trying to figure out which baby belongs to which parent.

Ukrainian decides to go first and yells "Slava Ukraini!"

One baby immediately jumps up and pulls into the attention position.

Ukrainian knows that's their baby and picks it up.

Polish takes the sec...

Which One?

Once a shepherd was grazing his two sheeps. A man was walking around and aproached the shepherd and asks.

Man: "How much does the sheeps weigh?"

Shepherd :" Which one, black one or white one?"

Man : "the black one".

Shepherd : " 20kg".

The Man curiously asks,"And ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mom is driving her daughter to school...

As they are driving down the highway, they get behind a semi truck. After a while the truck hits a pothole and the doors burst open and a giant dildo flys out, smacking the windshield of the mom and daughters car. The mom trying her best to preserve her daughters innocence looks over and asks " did ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich woman called a famous artist to commission him to paint her

He says his fee will be $5,000, which she accepted. She arrived for the sitting and gave him $7,000. The artist was surprised and asked why she gave more than he asked.

"I want you to paint me in the nude," she said, "Do you have any objections?"

"Not for $7,000 I don't. But I would ha...

which came first, the chicken or the egg?

the chicken, silly! eggs don't have legs, so it would still be stuck on the starting line when the chicken crossed the finish.

Which Olympic sport does Russia score highest in?

The javelin catch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two tampons are walking down the street, which one will say hi to you?

None, because they're just stuck-up cunts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A women wanted to spice things up in the bedroom so she went to a professional sex therapist. The Therapist went through an exhaustive list and importantly how to look sexy, which is to gently bite your lips and raise your eyebrows suggestively.

the next morning the women was in tears... she called the therapist and explained that not only did it not worked but it had completely ruin the mood. The therapist then proceeded to ask here her intimate details ( did you wear the lingerie, perfume, etc ) and could not figure out whey it didn't w...

So Siri tells me there’s a blizzard on the way, to which I say

“Surely you can’t be serious” and she replies “I am serious and don’t call me Shirley”

I must have left my phone in airplane mode

which is the most feminine candy?

it's Hershey!

Which ethnic group do you never see holding a housewarming party?

Eskimos.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

I met conjoined twins and I'm not sure which one I like more.

They're neck and neck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass.

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one women, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor women replied. "We have to eat gras...

An American and a Russian are arguing about which country has more freedom.

The American says, “I can walk right up to the White House and shout 'Down with Joe Biden!' and nothing bad will happen to me.”

The Russian replies, “Guess what? I can walk in front of Kremlin and shout 'Down with Joe Biden!' and nothing will happen to me either.”

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any ministers that misguided him.

A Minister once gave an opinion which was wrong which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the Minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The Minister said, "I served you loyally for 10 years & you do this..?"

The King was unrelenting.

Minister pleaded, "Please give m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is actually a true story told by a psychiatrist in Sri Lanka, which my father told me. I have changed some names to make it more universal...

Dr. Chandra the psychiatrist was talking to a patient in his ward who was convinced he was a Buddha. The man sat cross-legged on his bed in an apparent meditation posture when Dr. Chandra came to interview him.

Dr. Chandra: so you believe you are a Buddha?

Patient: that is so

D...

A Holocaust survivor dies and goes to Heaven.

Upon meeting God, he decides to tell a Holocaust joke.

After hearing it, God said "Hey, that's not funny."

To which the Holocaust survivor replied, "Well, I guess you had to be there."

A Leaf and an Emo fall from a tree, which hits the ground first?

The Leaf. Because the rope stopped the Emo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man traveled the world in search of buried treasure. After five years with no luck, he received a prophecy from an enchantress which told of a vast hoard of golden loot squirreled away in Bermuda by a famous privateer crew.

Sure enough, after sailing for another year, he came to the place the enchantress had spoken of and found a trove of coins and medallions, enough to make him wealthy beyond his wildest dreams.

He brought all of it on board his ship and through storms and turmoil returned home with his prize....

Which historical period has the tidiest shirts?

The Iron Age

Completed in 1856, Big Ben was designed by architects Charles Barry and Augustus Welby Pugin and took 13 years to build.

Which is crazy long considering they were working around the clock.

A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, ...

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in yo...

Which drug should dinosaurs never take?

A steroid.

A woman gets on a bus carrying her baby. The driver says 'Oh my, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen' The woman goes to her seat with an angry rage building. The man sat next her asks 'What's the matter?' To which the woman says the driver was so rude to her she might lose it...

'That's outrageous' says the man 'You should go and tell him off for whatever he said. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you whilst you do'

Two factory workers are talking among themselves.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

To which the woman answers, "Just wait and watch."
She hangs herself upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in, takes a look at her and asks, "What are you doing?"...

A man is out viewing a car, which he potentially plans to buy.

The car's price is $90000.
"The windows can't roll down, the check engine light is on, and it's making a weird noice when I change gear, why would I ever pay so much money for this car?" the potential buyer asks.

"Well, that's true, but the gas tank is entirely fu..." the seller says bef...

My SO has a foot fetish which I've never found appealing. After a bit of pressure and experimenting, my SO finally won me over.

I ultimately accepted defeat.

Two flies are in the kitchen. Which one is the Cowboy?

The one on the range.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Being a teenager is the worst. I've jerked off more than I've studied.

Which is ironic. One of then requires you to clear up space, look up the material, make sure theres no distractions around you and focus.

....and the other ones studying.

Which is the largest wall in the world?

The Great Firewall of China

Which language is the least spoken one in the world?

Sign language...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Father Walks into rsetaurant

**A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.**

**Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts**

**slapping him on the back. The ...

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to ration...

Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?

Ctrl-P

A travelling salesman knocks on a door, which is opened by a 12 year old in a bathrobe, holding a cigar and a snifter of cognac

The salesman is shocked, but manages to say, "Excuse me, is your dad home?"

The kid responds, "What the hell do you think?"

Nails on a chalkboard. Which One You Say?

I dunno, both would make a horrible sound.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anniversary Surprise.

An old couple are married for 60 years.
At the night of the anniversary, to surprise her husband, the wife goes into the bathroom, strips naked, puts on a cape and jumps out shouting:
“SuperPussy!!!”
To which the husband says:
“I’ll have the soup.”

Which letter in the alphabet has a shoe brand?

Adidas

Jim and Ted were let go after 15 years working at the bra factory so they headed down to the local Employment office…

There they each filled out some forms. They both had worked the same quality assurance positions on the line down at the “Over The Shoulder Boulder Holder Inc.”. Afterwards they each met with a jobs counselor to try and find new employment they could embark on. As the final step they met individua...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which profession hates the spacebar?

Therapists.

Which group does the LGBTQ+ fear the most?

The LGBTQ- because they will cancel each other.

I noticed the ship's navigator was scribbling on the table and not the map which made think....

...this guy is off the chart!!!

There was a race to determine which was faster: Congress passing s bill, or a snail traveling 10 meters

The snail won by two weeks.

Scientists have created the world’s smallest battery, which is the size of a grain of dust but capable of powering a computer

Its design is based on a swiss roll, meaning the creators hope it'll become more popular once they work out how to make a chocolate version.

A penguin goes on vacation..

A penguin is driving his car through the country when it starts to smoke. He brings it to the local garage and asks the mechanic to look at it. The mechanic shakes his head and says, "I'll take a look, but it might take some time." The penguin shrugs and replies, "That's alright, I'll wander aroun...

If you could get rid of any race, which would you choose?

I'd pick the 400 meters, it's too long for a sprint and it's too short to be a true endurance race.

Johnny repeatedly said he was gonna win the defamation case

Which proves that Amber Heard, but didn’t listen

A group of bats were hosting a competition

Three of them would be competing to see which could suck the most blood in 10 minutes.
The first one went to a field with sheep. After ten minutes it returned with blood dripping from its fangs. The judge asked “ how did you get this blood?” The bat responded “see that field with sheep? I drank ...

A big, burly man visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam,” he said in a broken voice "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pay...

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.
After several weeks of fuming at his chickens for making scratches and small dents in the hood of his car he decided to find a solution.
Coincidentally a salesperson came by his house and offered a s...

Which member of the Kardashian family has had the least plastic surgery?

Caitlyn Jenner

In the US they invented a machine which catches thieves.

It was sent out to different cities for testing.

In New York City, in 30 minutes, it caught 2000 thieves.

In Detriot, in 30 minutess, it caught 8000 thieves.

In Memphis, in 30 minutes, it caught 8500 thieves.

In Chicago, in 15 minutes, the machine was stolen.

A man sitting next to me on the bus today showed me a picture of his wife.

He says to me "Isn't she beautiful"?

I replied to him "If you think she's pretty, you should see my wife"

He then asked "Oh, is your wife beautiful too"?, to which I replied "No, she's an optometrist".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know which politician has the worst pull out game?

Vladimir Putin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.