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Which Jokes

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Which month do men jerk off the least?

February. Because it’s the shortest

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A store opens which sells husbands (long)

A few women think this is cool and decide to try it out. When they enter in the building, an employee tells them the rules: on each floor there is a door with a list of qualities the men on that floor possess. The women must choose whether to go into that floor to shop or move up to the next floor. ...

In which state is the Great Salt Lake?

Liquid

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Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?

The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.

Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.

Charlie: When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.

Which country has the fastest growing capitol?

Ireland. It's Dublin every year.

Which is heavier: one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane?

The water.

No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

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3 brothers own a cow, which suddenly dies.

The cow being almost a part of their family and a major income source for the family, the 3 brothers become very heartbroken and decide to commit suicide in the river. So they approach the river and are almost about to jump in when a fairy comes out of the river.

Fairy: "If anyone of you is ...

My wife asked me which of her friends I would like to have a threesome with.

Apparently I’m not supposed to pick two of them.

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Which is the number 1 cereal brand in Asgard?

Bifrosties

*holy shit almost crapped my pants with excitement when I came up with this. GF not as excited, I'm counting on you guys

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I saw my wife walk past me with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

Today is laundry day.

My woman asked me “which one do you like best, my beautiful face or my gorgeous body?

To which I replied: “your self-confidence”

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2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says "hi", first.

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

My girlfriend asked me which one of her friends I'd want to have a threesome with...

Apparently the right answer wasn't "Wait, you have friends?"

When you die, which body part dies last?

The pupils because they dilate.

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch cold

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A man goes to ask the great guru, "Which is better, large breasts or small breasts?"

The great guru asks him "How much money do you have in bills in your wallet?"

The man quickly counts the money. "Thirty dollars."

"And if you had thirty dollars in coins," said the guru, "which would have the greater mass- the coins or the bills?"

"The coins of course."

"...

Wife: "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Husband: "The good news."

Wife: "The good news is that your car's airbag worked perfectly."

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

My wife handed me two kayak paddles and asked, "Which one do you want?"

I said I'd take either/oar.

Which cheese is made backwards?

Edam

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose...

I SHOULD NEVER HAVE NAMED 2 FRIENDS!

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Which country has the loosest regulations on incest?

Oh shit this isn't Google

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry..

As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man ne...

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

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A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th Grade. Which one is the sexiest?

The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”

Apparently the company that makes Tupperware is going bust, which is a surprise.

I thought their finances would have been airtight.

I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.

A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments.

That has left scientists scratching their heads.

Two blondes are walking and one asks, “ which is closer, the moon or Florida?” And the other responds, “duh...

... can you see Florida?”

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcef...

I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.

It's called 'Facebook'

Which is heavier, 200 pounds of brick, or 200 pounds of feather?

The feathers, because 200 pounds of bricks is just 200 pounds of bricks, but with the feathers, you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

My dad owns 4 tents which he uses for camping

He uses all 4 at different times of the year, and each one is based on 1 of 4 different musical genres.

In spring he uses the jazz tent, in summer he uses the pop tent, in autumn he uses the classical tent….

But now is the winter of our disco tent.

Which German city smells the nicest?

Cologne

A guy isn't feeling well, and goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"

The guy says, "I guess I'll get the good news first."

The doctor replies, "You're going to get something named after you."

TIL alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there's an increased chance that...

...they *will* see you later!

Which one of Santa's reindeer do dinosaurs like the least?

Comet.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

I have to say it was probably the rooster!

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,

but on the other, it’s just not right.

How do Ukrainian snipers tell which Russians are the senior officers?

The number of stripes on their tracksuits.

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People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

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A man walks into a hotel lobby with his family and whispers to the front desk clerk, "make sure the porn in my room is disabled". To which the clerk replies:

We only have regular porn you sick fuck!

A man was arrested for telling a joke which called Vladimir Putin stupid.

He was tried and sentenced to 15 years and 3 months in a work camp.


When asked about the strangely specific sentence, the judge explained that he gave 3 months for insulting the president, and 15 years for divulging state secrets.

Which drug should dinosaurs never take?

A steroid.

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The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa, which is strange

You’d think he was from mad-at-gas-car.

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

In which profession the service providers never receive thanks from the people being served?

Executioners

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you t...

Which is more important to women, length or girth?

Turns out it's consent.

What do Daredevil and Scarlet Which have in common?

They both lost their vision

I recently heard about this young adult novel in which Schrodinger’s cat and Pavlov’s dog team up for a cross county adventure…

So I headed on down to the library to see if they had a copy for my 10 year old daughter.

The librarian said that my description rang a bell but she wasn’t sure if it was there or not.

Which Historical Figure do you not want a colonoscopy from?

Jack the Ripper

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Did you hear? There's this app that lets you see which of your family members would have been nazis in WWII...

It's called Facebook.

At a Diplomats' dinner, a waiter tripped and shattered the beautiful plate in which he was carrying a large turkey.

Hushed silence turned into a roar of  laughter, when the quick-witted Diplomat  announced:


"Gentlemen ! 

You have just witnessed 4 major international events happening :-


Fall of Turkey

Breakup of China

Spillage of Greece 

 and

Frustration of ...

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

I asked my wife, “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?”

Without hesitation, she sighed and said, “The Rooster did. The rooster always comes first.”

Which celebrity is always ready for ice cream?

Reese, with her spoon.

Which One?

Once a shepherd was grazing his two sheeps. A man was walking around and aproached the shepherd and asks.

Man: "How much does the sheeps weigh?"

Shepherd :" Which one, black one or white one?"

Man : "the black one".

Shepherd : " 20kg".

The Man curiously asks,"And ...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

If you could get rid of any race, which would you choose?

I'd pick the 400 meters, it's too long for a sprint and it's too short to be a true endurance race.

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Given the words 'wife', 'odds', 'egg', and 'blowjob' which one doesn't fit the category?

Ans: (First, change the above term "wife" to "traffic" so that the good people are happy.) Blowjob. You can beat an egg, you can beat the odds, you can beat the traffic, but you can't beat a blowjob.

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Money or Sex which one?

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $300 for what I give you for free." "I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $600 a year."

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.

Almost all of them replied, “How the hell did you get in here?”

Which US state has the smallest soft drinks?

MiniSoda

Which is closer?

Two blondes in Las Vegas were sitting on a bench talking.

One blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away Florida or the moon?”

The other blonde turns and says, “Hellooooooo, can you see Florida?”

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An art teacher, a math teacher, and a science teacher are all arguing over which one of them is the smartest.

The art teacher shows the others a giant clay sculpture of a dog he made. “This thing took me nearly a month to make.” He said. “Clearly this proves that I’m the smartest.”

The math teacher just laughs at him. “That’s nothing” she says. She then pulls out a huge 1’000 question math test which...

One night Chun Li gets drunk and decides she wants to get laid. So, she asks her friend Cammy if she knows which of the male Street fighters can help her get off...

Cammy said, "Sure. Ryu can."

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Which days are the strongest days?

Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

Which airline has the smelliest plains?

Incontinental Airlines

In which country does it rain sheep?

Bahrain.

Which branch of the military accepts toddlers?

The infantry.

If Satan was a teacher, which subject would he teach?

Trigonometry. There's a lot of sin involved.

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

How do budtenders mark which strain is which?

Hashtags

Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night.

"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room.
Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"

Which flower is the clumsiest?

The whoopsy daisy!

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Which human ancestor was the horniest one?

Homo erectus.

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Which musicians do bisexuals enjoy?

They like Debussy and they like Dedic

Which side of a duck has the most feathers?

The outside.

I asked my wife, “Did you know there’s a fruit which gives you your entire daily potassium requirement?”

Her: That’s bananas.

Me: I know. I was shocked too.

Which angle are you most likely to ask out on a date?

Acute angle.

Which Greek philosopher had the most hair?

Follikles

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My wife took her shirt and bra off during an argument, which I was winning.

It was a booby trap.

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A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

Listen…did you know falcons only live 12-15 yrs? That means every falcon alive right now was born in the 21st century which makes them…

Millennium Falcons

Which of King Arthur's knights was chosen to make the round table?

Sir Cumference

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Which insect is the best at what it does?

Most people think ants or bees, but ya know...flies have really been on top of shit lately

Eating too much cake is gluttony, which is a sin. But eating too much pie isn’t.

Because …sin pi = zero.

Which god is the best?

Baphomet. He's the GOAT.

Which religion has the most costumed vigilantes?

Zorro-astrianism

Which is Beethoven"s favourite fruit?

The "BaNANANAAAAA", "Ba NA NA NAAAAA"...

My wife accuses me of favoritism over my children, which is not true.

I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

A vegan, an atheist, and a crossfitter walk into a bar. How do you tell which is which?

Don't worry, they'll tell you

Which car part would Mother Theresa be?

A Catholitic Converter

Which insurance company offers full coverage to frat houses?

Brogessive

I entered ten puns in a pun contest to see which one would win.

No pun in ten did.

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Do you know which politician has the worst pull out game?

Vladimir Putin.

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They say makeup sex is the best, which is great news for me.

Because all my sex is made up.

Which Soviet leader was the least efficient?

Joseph Stallin'

Which letter in the alphabet is the best?

The E, because all of the other letters are Not E (Naughty).

I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in pay to stay in my current job. He asked which companies?

I told him the gas, electric, and phone companies.

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!"

Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"

Summer rays, "Yes, but I am und...

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Which bodypart never gets mad?

The scrotum: They know how to cool their beans

Which Pokemon in-game item should you never give to your Trans friends?

And Ether. It restores pp...

When struggling between which grey/gray to use…

Just remember this helpful tip:
Europe=grEy, America=grAy.... and for the Canadians, grEHy

Upon arriving in hell, I was surprised to find a clerk asking me, “In which military would you like to serve?” Turns out Alexander the Great, Napoleon, and Otto Von Bismarck overthrew Satan centuries ago and have been fighting each other ever since.

"Oh, that’s an easy one, ” I reply.

The clerk looked at me, skeptical.


“You don’t even want to talk to a recruiter? They can tell you all about the perks of each side.”

“No thank you. I know Napoleon will never lose.”

“Well, that’s a pretty stron...

Which is Coronavirus’ favorite novel?

Around the world in eighty days.

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My son made me a shirt which spelled "Wrld's best dad!" which is a pretty cute mistake.

But he needs to get his shit together and understand that I have a sweatshop to run.

Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?

A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.

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A young man and his boss have to travel to a city 500 miles away. Due to cost cutting measures put in place by the boss, they take the train instead of the flight which was four hours faster.

As they entered their train compartment, the young man and the boss found themselves opposite to a gorgeous twenty something girl and her sixty year old looking mother.

Within a few minutes, the young man and the girl start giving quick glances at each other. After twenty minutes or so, the ...

Which type of loan does an introvert prefer?

A leave me alone.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.
After several weeks of fuming at his chickens for making scratches and small dents in the hood of his car he decided to find a solution.
Coincidentally a salesperson came by his house and offered a s...

An emo and an apple fall out of a tree. Which one hits the ground first?

The apple, the emo is stopped by the rope.

A father bought a lie detector which hit people when they lied.

His young son said, “I have no naughty books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

His father saw that and scolded his son, “When I was your age, I didn’t have such books!”

The machine quickly hit him.

The mother saw what happened and laughed and said, “Oh, you are truly father ...

My wife and I had this long pointless argument as to which vowel is the most important.

I won.

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror...

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

If black birds have black babies and blue birds have blue babies, which bird has no babies?

Swallow

Which type of birds always stick together ?

Velcrows

I asked my magic 8-ball which email client to use. It told me...

Outlook not so good.

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A single sperm contains 37.5mb of DNA information which means that a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 tb

That's a lot of information to swallow

Obesity kills thousands of times more Americans than shooting does, which teaches us an important lesson:

Shooters do poorly given the size of their targets.

Which part of a computer was overworked and tired?

The keyboard. Because it has two shifts.

Which car is best for off-road?

A company car…

Which NFL players swear the most?

The offensive linemen

I want to watch Hamlet on a streaming platform. Does anyone know which one it's on?

Is it Tubi or not Tubi?

Which horse runs the city?

The mare, of course

In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors

If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British



If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German



If they retreat, they're French



If they switch to your side, they're Italian



If they apologize, they're Canadi...

Which Disney princess would be the best judge?

Snow White, because she's the Fairest One of All.

Which insect do Americans find most confusing?

Cricket.

Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Lookee here! We could buy a whole gob o’ these, take ‘em back to Georgia, sell 'em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.”

Now, I'll talk in a slo...

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The United States ruined Hiroshima. Which American city did Japan ruin?

Detroit

Which event on earth do aliens hate the most?

Miss Universe

Which national holiday is also an online cooking assistant?

e-stir

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