My wife asked me which of her friends I would like to have a threesome with.

Apparently I’m not supposed to pick two of them.

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

This is my 5th cake day which means

My reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."

So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere.

The third guy doesn't go anywhere.

6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all...

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The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

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Just bought my new car stereo, which is voice activated.

If I shout "country" it plays Dolly Parton, if I shout "rock" it plays Guns and Roses. I was driving through town the other day when some children ran out in front of me, I shouted "FUCKING KIDS!" and it started playing Michael Jackson.

Which kind of tea is hard to swallow?

Reality

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Which bees produce milk?

Boobees

Customer: “Which row are the pickles in? And are they in the front or back?”

Terminator: “Aisle B, back”

A vegan, an atheist, and a crossfitter walk into a bar. How do you tell which is which?

Don't worry, they'll tell you

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

Which one is more brave, a stone or a match?

A stone, because it’s a little boulder.

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch a cold.

Which race tends to be the shortest?

The 100-meter dash

Which is harder? Trying to read a doctor's handwriting or trying to read a programmer's code?

Trying to read a doctor's code.

Which ethnicity can never win or lose?

Thai

At a bar in Saigon two sisters approached me and asked which one I'd rather sleep with...

...it was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Do you guys know which has become the most expensive streaming service of all times ?

University

At my city, we have a zoo which is only filled with dogs. Even worse, there’s only one breed of dogs inside the zoo.

It’s a shih tzu.

Which country has the most oil?

Greece

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great,

but on the other, it's just not right.

An apple and an emo kid fall out of a tree which one hits the ground first?

The apple, the rope caught the emo kid.

A joke my chem teacher told my class which his 6 year old son came up with

What do only T-Rexes have?
.
.
.
.
.
.
T-Rex babies

Out of all the inventions in the past 100 years, which one was the most remarkable?

The dry erase board.

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Which two US states are opposites?

Virgin-ia and I-da-hoe

My vegetarian wife wanted the egg smell gone from the pan in which I cooked scrambled egg

So i cooked beef in it.

Which Science-Fiction author is the best source of liquid mercury?

HG Wells.

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron,

which is ironic.

Which bird has the worst manners?

Mocking birds.

Which spice girl can hold the most petrol?

Geri can!

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Which city is the capital of food porn?

Nuttingham

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3 tampons walking down the road, which one says hello?

None of them because they’re all stuck up cunts

Which came first the chicken or the egg?

The rooster.

Which doctor?

Friend 1: Hey man, I got a new doctor today!

Friend 2: Which doctor?

Friend 1: No, that guy got fired. His instructions made no sense!

Which person at Apple named it the “iMac” instead of the “Imac”?

The venture capitalist.

The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from...

....except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

I'm not yet sure which one of these iceboxes to mark as defective.

But I'll cross that fridge when I come to it.

Which Pope liked fruit the most?

Pope Pius





(papayas)

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I asked my wife, “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?”

Without hesitation, she responded, “The Rooster did. The rooster always cums first.”

India gave us the Kama Sutra and Yoga, which is training to help doing the Kama Sutra.

Thanks Tindia.

Have you seen those door mats which say 192.168.0.0?

That's home.

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Steven Spielberg has announced a new film which takes a stand against genital mutilation

It's called Saving Private Parts

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, a...

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A joke a school kid told me which always stuck

Knock knock

Who's there?

Adolf

Adolf who?

A-dolf balls stuck in my mouth

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An man was in the hospital for a series of tests... ... the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and paced frantically trying to think of a plan. Knowing his cute young nurse was about to come in the door at any moment, he hastily gathered up ...

When you die, which body part dies last?

The pupils.

They dilate.

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Certain japanse buildings had creaking floorboards which would alarm the guards if there were intruders.

That seems like a sound strategy to me.

We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.

76 million are retired.

That leaves 251 million to do the work.

There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.

Which leaves 203 million to do the work

There are 74 million children younger than 6 ...

Which metal do we need the soonest?

Silver, it's *argent*

President Trump was recently handed a document, which he claims shows the most amount of red, ever, during an election year.

What he didn't tell you was that it was the balance sheet of his most recent IRS business filings.

I've got some new jokes which I can only do in sign language...

I guarantee you, no one has ever heard them before.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

A new strain of head lice is going around, which is resistant to all conventional treatments.

This has left scientists scratching their heads.

My daughter's skirt was getting a lot of attention as I walked her to the school gates, which made me very uncomfortable.

To be honest, I thought it suited me.

I was tempted by an offer which read, “Sausage Biscuits 2 for $1.00". "How much is it for one?” I asked.

"75 cents”, she replied.
"Ok, I'll have the other one".

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Three surgeons are dicussing which types of patients they prefer.

First surgeon says, ''I prefer engineers. When you cut them open, all their organs are so well arranged.''

Second surgeon says, ''I prefer painters. They are so colourful from inside.''

The third one pauses and says, ''I prefer lawyers since they are the easiest to operate on. Not only...

Which Princess tastes like chocolate?

Kinderella.

Brunette: "Where were you born?" Blonde: "The United States." Brunette: "Which part?"

Blonde: "My whole body."

Learnt an interesting fact today..... If you spell "Absolutely Nothing" backwards, you get "Gnihton Yletulosba" which actually means.........

........... Absolutely Nothing!!

George was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would ...

In which South African city was Batman originally from?

Capetown

Which is the hardest for you to say?

Which is the hardest for you to say?

1. I love you

2. I was wrong

3. I am sorry

4. I need help

5. Worcestershire Sauce

6. I appreciate you

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Tetanus isn't actually caused by rusty objects, but by bacteria in dirt, which we often associate with rusty nails and tools that can introduce the bacteria through wounds.

This is why tetanus vaccines are so important. For anti-vaxxers, that truth could be hard to swallow.






Any appreciation for lockjaw puns?

Which of your friends is the best at Chess?

My Czech mate

Do you know which animal comes from the sky?

Reindeer

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Which American city is the most gay?

Albuqueerque.

I had a dream in which I was completely surrounded by naked women.

I came full circle.

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They say makeup sex is the best, which is great news for me.

Because all my sex is made up.

Which rock group has four guys who can't sing or play instruments?

Mount Rushmore!

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Not having sex tonight

One evening last week,my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well,the passion starts to heat up,and she eventually says,‘I don‘t feel like it,I just want you to hold me.‘

I said,‘WHAT??!! What was that?!‘

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear.... <...

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"The Daily Post wishes to apologise for a misprint in last Saturday's edition which described Major-General Sir John Simpkin as a 'bottle-scarred veteran' ".

"This should of course have read 'battle-scared' ".

Which Stevie Wonder song is known for its use of jazz Chords?

I Jazz Chord To Say I Love You..

I was given a bag of peanuts which was blessed by the Pope....

I gave them away. I hate religious nuts.

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Which sexual position produces the ugliest babies?

Ask your mom

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”
“Very good,” she replies.
“And what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” sh...

I went to Hawaii with my dad to get a taste of their traditional culture. They set out two bowls of their famous delicacy. When I couldnt choose which one to grab, my dad said,

"Pick your poi, son"

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My wife and I are a perfect match.

For instance, I have a 9 inch penis, and she doesn't know which end of a ruler to hold up.

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

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Contest in a girl's college: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.

Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it."

Male Logic...

***Woman: And how long have you been drinking?***

***Man: About 20 years, I suppose***

***Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 ...correct?***

***Woman: Do you know that if ...

FBI, CIA, DEA which is best at finding people?

the IRS

I don't know which is scarier....

A clown who rummages through the garbage cans at 3am or my neighbor who watches me doing it.

If females were snacks, which ones would they be?

Un-funyuns

Which US state has allergies?

Massachusetts

Which weights more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

Someone asked me to name to structures which hold water

I was like well damn.

Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected

I asked the girl for a movie.

She : "Which movie"? with a sweet smile.

Me : "You decide".

She : "No, you should decide"

Me : "No, you decide"

She : "Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well"

Which shampoo do prefer cannibals?

Head and shoulders

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Which Egyptian Pharoah was well known for his farts and orgasms?

Tutenkhamun

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

In which city do fat people stay?

Obesity.

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

Which guy is the most popular at the nudist colony?

The one who can carry two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts.

My friend is kind of upset about which video game system to get.

Nobody can console him.

Of the three largest banks, let's refer to them as A, B and C, which one is the least trustworthy?

Bank C, very sketchy.

The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.

Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.

Which part of the hospital is the best at hide-n-seek?

The ICU

Did you know you can tell which women are the biggest coffee lovers by their bust size?

They're the ones with K cups.

There's a new type of stone which turns Eevee into a Ghost-type

It's called a brick.

"Which color is tribute to communism?"

"Red is tribute."

I wanted to tell you which M. Night Shyamalan movie is my favourite,

But it's not happening.

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My ex-girlfriend complained that my dick's short, to which I replied

"I'm just not that into you."

My wife's mad at me because last night she asked me if I could have a threesome which of her friends would I choose.

I guess I probably shouldn't have chosen 2 of them.

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

The son comes home crying and tells his mother "the lady next door hit me!". So the mother goes over and asks why she hit her and the lady replies "your son called me fat!". To which the mother replies...

"...and you think you'll lose weight by hitting him?"

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

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Which US State Confessed To Be A Prostitute ?

I Da Ho

A little moron and a big moron were shingling a steep roof when suddenly the scaffolding collapsed. They both slid down the roof and stopped at the very edge, and then one fell off. Which one?

The big moron. The other one was a little more on.

Me- Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?

Alexa- apple juice

Which Disney movie would Rick Astley not let you borrow from his collection?

He's never gonna give you Up

On which day of the week is it legal to marry the 8-bit Nintend console?

Wednesday.

Which animal is best at playing poker?

The bluffalo.

Three men were on a boat. All together, they had four cigarettes; However, no one brought any matches.

They threw one cigarette overboard, which caused the whole boat to become a cigarette lighter.

Two cat's are on a roof, which one falls off first?

The one with the smallest mu.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" ...

Joe Biden is not my president!!

At least not till January which won’t come soon enough.

Whoever said "that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger"

Obviously never heard of AIDS.

Which repair men are best at keeping secrets?

I hear quantum mechanics are pretty discrete.

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.

I shouldn't have named two.

My client is very particular about which classical albums she wants me to restore...

“If it ain’t Baroque, don’t fix it.”

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An angry man storms into the town pub with a gun. "Alright, which one of you bastards has been fucking my wife!?

A voice at the back of the room says, "Buddy. You ain't got enough bullets."

Found out which suit not to bet onwhile I was out in Vegas...

Running with my birthday suit caused quite the losing streak.

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If Viagra improves your sex life then which food stops it?

Wedding cake

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside.”

A linguistic philosopher made the claim that there is no language in which a double positive implies a negative during a lecture.

To which someone responded, "Yeah, yeah."

Two farmers are in a field trying to figure out which sheep belongs to one another.

"Stop me if you herd this one."

A world renowned chemist dies.

A world renowned chemist dies. His will states that he wishes for all of his favorite elements from the periodic table be included with his body. They go to his wife and ask "Are we really going to put a bunch of elements in his casket?
To which she replies
"No, just Barium"

which is the most dangerous city?

Electricity

James and John were given a question from their teacher to which they had to answer

Their question was to write the past tense of a sentence

“The boy has a cold”

James wrote “The boy had a cold”

John wrote “The boy had had a cold” because it is grammatically correct to say ‘had had’ back to back

The teacher looked at the two answers and proceeded to mark...

Which Greek god are r/jokes users descendants of?

Poseidon. Because they Control C

Which Autobot is the most likely to have Chlamydia?

Hot Rod

There's only one thing that scares me about Halloween. Which is?

Exactly.

If you dropped a male and a female ant into water, which one survives?

The male, because it is bouyant

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

There are 3 farmers, let’s call them A, B and C. Which one is the best with medicine?

Farmer C

There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box. The Female pencil got pregnant!! Which Male pencil is responsible?

The one without the rubber.

immigrants are often doing work, which no one else wants to do

for example Melania Trump

A guy asked a beautiful lady sitting next to him 'Nice perfume, which one is it? I want to give it to my wife!'

Lady: 'Don't give her. Some idiot will find an excuse to talk to her!'

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