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The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great,

but on the other, it's just not right.

When you die, which part of your body is the last to go?

Your pupils. They dilate.

My daughter's skirt was getting a lot of attention as I walked her to the school gates, which made me very uncomfortable.

To be honest, I thought it suited me.

Which weights more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

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They say makeup sex is the best, which is great news for me.

Because all my sex is made up.

In which city do fat people stay?

Obesity.

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Today is my cake day which means

Exactly one year ago, I discovered reddit porn.

My wife's mad at me because last night she asked me if I could have a threesome which of her friends would I choose.

I guess I probably shouldn't have chosen 2 of them.

The son comes home crying and tells his mother "the lady next door hit me!". So the mother goes over and asks why she hit her and the lady replies "your son called me fat!". To which the mother replies...

"...and you think you'll lose weight by hitting him?"

Which animal is best at playing poker?

The bluffalo.

Yesterday, I approached a gorgeous girl, and she was pleased, which wasn't something I expected

I asked the girl for a movie.

She : "Which movie"? with a sweet smile.

Me : "You decide".

She : "No, you should decide"

Me : "No, you decide"

She : "Sir, please select which movie ticket you want. There are others behind you in the line as well"

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Two tampons were walking past each other, which one said "hi", first.

Neither, they were both stuck up cunts.

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I love it when a woman says those magical words which means she's up for sex tonight

"This drink tastes funny"

~Jimmy Carr

Two farmers are in a field trying to figure out which sheep belongs to one another.

"Stop me if you herd this one."

Me- Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?

Alexa- apple juice

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An angry man storms into the town pub with a gun. "Alright, which one of you bastards has been fucking my wife!?

A voice at the back of the room says, "Buddy. You ain't got enough bullets."

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If Viagra improves your sex life then which food stops it?

Wedding cake

There's only one thing that scares me about Halloween. Which is?

Exactly.

A guy asked a beautiful lady sitting next to him 'Nice perfume, which one is it? I want to give it to my wife!'

Lady: 'Don't give her. Some idiot will find an excuse to talk to her!'

If you dropped a male and a female ant into water, which one survives?

The male, because it is bouyant

How can you tell which clan a Scotsman is from?

Look under his kilt. If he's got a quater pounder, he's a McDonald.

Which Autobot is the most likely to have Chlamydia?

Hot Rod

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside.”

A captain asked his doctor which weavel he would choose

The doctor inspected the weevils and chose the right one because it was longer and stronger but the captain was disappointed and told the doctor “in service you must always chose the lesser of two weevils”

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I watched a film last night which was basically about a guy who's attracted to watches. It follows he's struggle to fight he's sexual urges towards timepieces but in the end he sleeps with a rolex.

Its about fucking time

Which Russian author never paid his respects?

Dusty F Key

An American was arguing with a Russian on which of their governments were better...

The American made the case, “you know in the United States of America you can march into the White House, slam your fists on the president’s desk and say, Mr.President, I don’t like the way you are running this country.”

The Russian replied,”I can do that”.

The American in a bit of s...

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN which turned out to be a catastrophe...

The only question asked was:
“Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa most didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe most didn't know what "honest" meant.
<...

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A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old boy toy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes ...

Which Greek god are r/jokes users descendants of?

Poseidon. Because they Control C

Which nobleman owns a lot of empty property?

Baron Wasteland.

What did the wind turbine say to the deep hole which held water?

"Well, I just want to say I'm a huge fan."

In light of the recent debates on whether Splash Mountain should remain the same or be remodeled after "The Princess and the Frog", let me give you some hints on which Disney movie I think it should be based on.

1. It's far from the most popular Disney film, but it definitely isn't without its fans.
2. It is notable for taking place in the Americas and featuring a mostly non-white cast.
3. One of the main characters of the movie is a selfish and lazy teenage prince who likes to party.
4. This princ...

Which disney movie does gordon ramsay hate the most?

Frozen.

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Three vampire brothers decide to hold a competition to see which one of them is the most powerful

The first brother is the strongest.

"Watch this," he says, and takes off at nearly 100 miles per hour. Two minutes later, he returns, his mouth covered in blood.

"What happened?!" his brothers exclaimed.

"You see that mansion over there?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I went over...

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Which instrument players are the sexiest?

Violinists. No matter what, their G strings are always sharp af.

When I was little, my Dad built me a giant Scrabble board which was big enough to run around on.

One day I propped up the board on boxes and saw horses.

Then I organised a little show for the neighbourhood kids and their parents, which I presented from my big Scrabble board.

It was a play on words.

So I was playing poker with my friends, and I was dominating. One of them asks, “How are you so good at this?” And another answered, “He’s got aces up his sleeves! Pat him down!” Which they did.

You wouldn’t believe how long it took for them to realize I was wearing a tank top.

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My wife got pissed and threw a large bottle of Omega 3-which hit me in the head

I’m Ok, I just got super-fish-oil injuries

which brain?

one day, a patient wanted a new brain.

the doctor asked, "which brain would you like? there is a soccer player's brain for $100k, a lawyer's brain for $75k, and a doctors brain for $50k."

the patient replied, "why is the soccer player's brain so expensive?"

the doctor said, *"b...

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A man had 3 girlfriends but did not know which one to marry.

As a test, he decided to give each one 5000$ to see how they would spend it.

The first one went and got herself a complete makover and told him, i made myself pretty with the money for you because i love you so much

The second one went and bought him new golf him new golf clubs, clothe...

I couldn’t decide which joke to recycle for my Blue Cheese Day.

So instead, tell me your best and maybe even... *cheesiest*... joke that you’ve used for your own Blue Cheese Day!!

*Edit: Apparently that’s a* **Cake**. *Damn it. I probably could have found a* sweet *cake joke to use.*

There are 3 farmers, let’s call them A, B and C. Which one is the best with medicine?

Farmer C

Which school subject was the witch’s favorite?

Spelling!

Which shoes do frogs prefer?

Open toad sandals!

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I have OCD which severely affects my sex life.

Every time a girl gets turned on, I turn them off again.

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”

He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”

When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”

“Very good,” she replies.

“And what happened to my present?...

My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.

I shouldn't have named two.

My uncle died of hypothermia. Robbers took him and locked him inside a freezer of which the temperature was just slightly below 4 degrees.

It was the worst case of 3rd degree murder I've ever heard of.

Which country has the fastest growing population?

Ireland

It's Dublin everyday.

Two blondes in Las Vegas were sitting on a bench talking at night ... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Hellooooooo, can you see Florida?"

I love write in notebooks which have margins,

But blank one's is where I have to draw the line.

Which is the Most Expensive Haircut?

Chemotherapy.

Which US sate has the smallest soft drinks?

Minnisoda

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A male dog and a female dog are having a pissing contest, which one will win?

Obviously the male dog because he has the-leg-up.

Justice is a dish which is served best when it‘s still cold

Because if it would be served warm it would be just water

What do you call a snake which is 3.14 metres long?

A pi-thon

Which animal is the craziest?

The lunatick.

Which flowers are the best kissers?

Tu-lips.

Which superhero delivers the morning paper?

The newspaperman!

Which nature phenomenon is the funniest?

A Cyclown.

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I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagin...

Which test can you pass without studying?

COVID-19 test.

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Not sure if this joke is originally from my language or if it is an old joke which is stolen then translated to my language but thought I’d share it

Three man were lining up to heaven when st. peter explained that their death was not planned and that it has happened due to unforeseen and unknown circumstances. Because of this heaven wasn’t prepared for their coming and would need them to wait outside for a long time. However, pitying their early...

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Trick question, it was actually the rooster.

I went to a school which only taught humanities.

One day, I was telling my son about how it was.

"My timetable was really simple," I told him.

"Monday and Tuesday were for English Literature, Wednesday was Philosophy, and, well, the rest was History."

I just read a story about songs in history and the pitches in which they were sung.

For example, a march to battle was sung around middle D. Gregorian chants were sung from low D to middle G.

It seems that most, if not all, pirate shanties were sung on the high C’s.

Which type of fish has only 2 atoms? [OC]

2 Na

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Two potatoes are standing on the street corner. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

It’s the one with the sticker that says IDAHO

Which brand of computer will win the Grammy's?

A dell.

Which African country is Elon Musk from?

Madatgascar

A man with hearing problems crashed his car into an expensive car,

The owner of the expensive car walks out of his house and says “give me 10.000 dollars or I’ll beat the hell out of you!!” The man replies “Woah woah buddy I don’t have that much, but let me call my son he trains dolphins”. The man calls his son and right as he was about to talk the owner of the exp...

Which country's capital has the fastest growing population?

Ireland. Everday it's Dublin.





\*Idk if this has been on here yet. My co worker told me this and I about had a stroke.\*

The FBI, the CIA and the LAPD have a bet to see which organization is best...

They decide to release a single rabbit into the forest, and whoever can find it in the least amount of time is the best.

The FBI goes first. The interrogate all the animals, search every hole and cave and after 24 hours reluctantly admit that they can’t find the rabbit.

The CIA then go...

Mr. Heisenberg was driving too fast on a road when he suddenly got stopped by a police. Heisenberg asked the following "Is anything wrong, officer?" which the police replied with "Are you out of your mind? You were driving 250 kilometers per hour!"

To that Mr. Heisenberg said "Aw damn it! Now I don't know where I am!"

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

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The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions which made me cry

Onions was a good dog...

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I found this amazing app that let's you find out which of your friends are racists, which ones are sexists and even which ones are just crazy.

It's called 'Facebook'.

Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night.

"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room.
Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"

Which state has the most streets?

Rhode Island.

which Asian country do neckbeards love the most

M'laysia

You know a movie which was ahead of its time

A movie about 2020 named 2012 came out in 2009

If you could end coronavirus by sacrificing one genre of music, then which one would it be and..

Why K-pop?

You should never roll a pair of CD’s down a hill and see which one reaches the bottom first.

It would be a disk race.

My tailor has been really angry the past few weeks. This morning, he even refused to fixed my new pants which were too long

I asked if he could cut me some slack

Which kind of jokes don't amputees find funny?

Knee slappers.

Which font do the protesters use to paint BLACK LIVES MATTER onto the streets of New York City?

Times Square New Roman.

I would like to know which wise guy moderator took down my post

My fence fell over

which country was the first to get coronavirus?

China, they got it right off the bat.

A brand new car is being launched in Portugal, which includes space in the boot for a child.

It's called the Renault McCann

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A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

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What's the first thing which comes to everyone's mind while going through this sub?

I fucking reddit

In which regard is the USA better than Canada?

The USA has nicer neighbors.

Guess which film franchise reboot would score millions now?

The Mask.

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Have you heard about the electric robot from Japan which is supposed to prevent domestic violence?

Batteries included.

If you learn all of the european languages, you know which one you have to learn last?

Finnish

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with...

An English man and an American is talking about war and which country is the strongest.

The American think the war of independents is his winning argument and say “How can worlds strongest army loose to people with barn equipment and inferior weaponry?” The English man is taking his time thinking, and after some time answers “we are talking about the Vietnam war right?”

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

Which cow needs to wear a bell?

The one whose horns don't work.

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Translated this joke from my native language...

A guy say (Billy) who had very small penis, came to know about a guy. who knew a word, which upon saying penis grows by some inches.



Billy went there, that guy sat on a hill, and to climb that hill, there was a rope. So Billy started climbing that hill, upon climbing, the man asked B...

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally f...

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In an effort to determine the top crime fighting agency in the country, the President narrowed the field to three finalists, the CIA, the FBI, and the N.Y.P.D. The three remaining contenders were given the task of catching a rabbit which was released into the forest.

The CIA went into the forest. They placed animal informants throughout. They questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation they concluded that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI went into the forest. After two weeks without a capture, they burned the for...

There once was a small mining town in which a man named Jim worked long and hard hours in a dark mine shaft.....

One day he and his fellow co-workers got paid and decided to have a night out on the town. They went to bars and burnt most of their money drinking, except for Jim. Jim had saved his money for something special, a brothel.

Jim walked into the brothel and boisterously exclaimed: "Show me to y...

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

There once was a farmer whose five quintuplet teenage daughters were going on dates at the same time.

"As soon as your dates arrive," said the farmer, "I will talk to them personally. If I don't like them, I will shoot them."

Just then, a knock was heard at the door. The farmer answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who is this?"

"My name's Teddy," said the boy. "I'm going steady with Be...

Which machine is the worst and best at what it does?

A vacuum... It just sucks

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & ...

Which three words contains the most letters?

The post office.

Which side of a sheep has the least wool?

The inside.

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

Which body part continues to live even after a person dies?

The Liver

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After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough,...

...as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly al...

Which knight invented King Arthur’s Round Table?

Sir Cumference.

Donald trump is having tea with the queen in Buckingham palace.

When Trump brings up the topic of telling which politician is intellegent, the queen calls for boris johnson to come into the room. A minute later, Boris opens the door and walks in. The queen asks him, "Your mother has a child that isn't your brothers or your sisters. Who is this?". Boris thinks f...

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2019 and 2020 got into a fight as to which one was the crappier year.

2021.

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While cooking the Thanksgiving dinner, a fire broke out which burned Jill's right cheek.

In the hospital, the doctor said, "Harold, we cannot recover back your wife's cheek to its original condition but we can put new skin on it and it'll look just the same."

The thing was, the type of skin required to put over the burnt cheek was available only in Harold's buttocks. He complied,...

Which fruit is the most pessimistic?

The cantaloupe

So Kim Jong Un is apparently in a coma...

...Which is weird, because I thought his dad was the Il one.

What happened to the pentagon which lost an angle?

It got squared up.

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me." the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Jone...

Which animal is not faithful in a relationship?

Cheetah

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What's a dinosaur which recently had anal called?

A Mega-sore-ass.

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