My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.

I shouldn't have named two.

When you die, which body part dies last?

The pupils, they dilate.

I predict, in years to come there’ll be a nuclear war in the Middle East, which’ll leave only one country and the Persian Gulf .

Just Kuwait and sea.

Which is Coronavirus’ favorite novel?

Around the world in eighty days.

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A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th grade. Which one is the sexiest?

The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18

Which side of a deer has the best meat?

The inside.

A guy and girl go back to her place to hook up. As he goes to drop his pants, he tells her, "I just wanna let you know I'm hung like a baby...". To which she starts to quickly reply, "It's ok, I've been with someone sma....", and she stops abruptly as he drops his pants.

"What the hell?!", she said.

He said, "I tried to tell you, I'm hung like a baby. 7 lbs, 19 inches!"

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."

So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere.

The third guy doesn't go anywhere.

6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all...

which thing causes the longest time period of bad luck?

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!


Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!


Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

Which nut is most expensive?

The cashew!

Which department do you call when ants go missing?

Dept. of Finance


I'll see myself out now....

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Which US President was most popular among Spanish porn stars?

L.B.J.

A country which is so opposed to communism

Is itself named us

Upon arriving in hell, you’re surprised to find a clerk asking you “In which military would you like to serve?” Turns out Alexander the Great, Napoleon, and Otto Von Bismarck overthrew Satan centuries ago and have been fighting each other ever since.

“Oh, that’s an easy one.”

The clerk looked at me, skeptical.
“You don’t even want to talk to a recruiter? They can tell you all about the perks of each side.”

“No thank you. I know Napoleon will never lose.”

“Well, that’s a pretty strong allegiance... sure you don’t want to ...

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Which sex position is Tom Cruise's favourite?

*Mission*ary

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After death, the only organ in the female body which remains warm...

is my penis.

Which type of shoes does Captain Hook avoid wearing?

Crocs

Two cats swim in a race. One is named one-two-three and the other is named un-deux-trois. Which cat won the race?

One-two-three because un-deux-trois quatre cinq.

Due to the global pandemic disease, which spreads quickly and is potential fatal, many cities have canceled the St. Patrick's day parade.

Columbus Day celebrations will continue as scheduled

Which confectionary company is the funniest?

The one that produces *Snickers*

A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecke...

The barkeep asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What can I get for you?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The barkeep was not impressed, but says to the guy, "O...

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Which is the number 1 cereal brand in Asgard?

Bifrosties

*holy shit almost crapped my pants with excitement when I came up with this. GF not as excited, I'm counting on you guys

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Every once in a while something comes along which causes some people to rethink their sexuality.

Like prison.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

The chicken, eggs can't cum.

Which U.S. state has the smallest soft-drinks?

Minnesota.

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A libertarian, a vegan, and a crossfitter walk into a bar. How do you know which is which?

Don't worry, they'll fucking tell you.

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A man dies and he's able to be in heaven and in hell for 1 day so he could choose which he likes best.

And heaven was boring as fuck and hell was a 24/7 hookers and blow non stop party. So the next day he goes back to st Peter? And says, "nah.. I'm going to stay in hell" and when he goes back down with the devil it's all torture and Sulphur and fire and brimstone and he goes to the devil and says "wh...

There are 6.02x10^23 guacas in a guacamole,

Which is also known as avocado’s number

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I just saw my wife walk around with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

Which is heavier: one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane?

The water.

No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”

Which state was Sarah Palin governor of again?

"Alaska."

No, don't worry, I'll ask her myself.

Which is the most religious cheese?

Swiss, because it is holy.

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Which month was Hitler's least favorite?

July

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a very small head

After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head?"

The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on a deserted...

What do you call someone who is scared of the protein which carries oxygen throughout the blood?

A hemophobe

Everybody has an angle at which they look bad or unflattering.

Mine, for example, is 360°.

Which of King Arthur's knights built the Round Table ?

Sir Cumference

Two blondes are walking and one asks, “which is closer, the moon or Florida?” The other responds, “duh...

...can you see Florida?”

Which Witcher knows the answers to all questions?

Geralt of Trivia

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

There is a pier with two docks. An empty boat pulls up, which dock do the passengers unboard onto?

Well that's the thing, it's a paradox

Which famous Arab invented potato chips?

Sultan Vinegar

Which tastes better, sheep's milk or cow's milk?

My stepmother's.

There are two plates of cheese on the table, one of which belongs to you and one of which belongs to your friend. He offers you the cheddar. Should you take it?

Yes, because the other plate is nacho cheese!

Which band had a hit single with “Jive Talkin’”?

A) Gees


B) Gees


C) Gees


D) Gees

How do atoms decide which one should be put in charge?

By having general electrons.

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How do they decide which cows to use for beef jerky

They pick the bull.ies. (Joke my 11 year old son made up)

Me and my mate have just been fighting over which is the best vowel.

I won.

An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?"

The student replied, "It is obviously past."

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A man has to choose from his 3 girlfriends

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spend the money so I could look pretty for you because ...

My wife wanted to watch a movie, I suggested Die Hard, which I borrowed from our 70 y.o neighbor Mr. Murry Habitt back in xmas. I said :

Old Habitt's Die Hard

Which martial art is the bakers favorite?

Tae Kwon Dough

In which army does it take more courage to retreat than advance?

The red army

Which alloy contains magical properties?

Cast iron.

which TV/movie character can use the power of the force and the power of potassium?

Bananakin Skywalker!

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George Washington died a virgin, which gives me one-up on him

Because I’m not dead

My wife and I had this huge argument as to which vowel is the most important.

I won.

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Contest in a girl's college: Write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.

Winner's story: "Oh god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it."

The red guy lives in the red house, the green guy lives in the green house, and the yellow guy lives in the yellow house. Which house does the orange guy live in?

The white house.

How to memorize which are stalactites and which are stalagmites?

StalacTITes hang.

My dad's star sign was cancer which is ironic considering how he died

He was attacked by a giant crab

The Catholic church released a fun PC game which takes place in the garden of Eden. You play as Eve and Adam is hiding from you. Your goal is to hunt him down with a slingshot.

It's a first person shooter.

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Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.

Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge...

Which motor vehicle was prominently featured in the Bible?

Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Of all the DnD Classes, which class would be the best at making friends?

The Necromancer.

Which weighs more, water or butane?

Water, because butane is a lighter fluid

Which keystroke combination beat all the rest in the shortcut contest?

the Win + R

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'...

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Which part of a man's anatomy is the most sensitive during masturbation?

His ears.

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.

Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you t...

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange i...

I was playing a flight sim yesterday and suddenly my game started running really slowly, which was very annoying

I hate jet lag.

gave blood today, nurse asked which arm…

I said, “Left, please. If that doesn’t phle-boto-you; it won’t phlebotomy.”

Which word has 6 letters, starts with an N and ends with an R and is related to a Race

NASCAR

Which letter has its own shoe brand?

A “D” does

Alabama Pastor

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand...

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No one knows which priests are gay.

**Even the Catholic Church can't keep them straight!**

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Which vegetable might you find in your basement?

Cellar-y!

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefuln...

I will be attending a competition that takes place every 4 years to see which Irishmen has the worst case of Erectile Dysfuction.

Better known as The O'limpdicks.

I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

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If two tampons pass each other in the street, which one says hello first?

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

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My dad and my girlfriend have the same birthday and I don't know which one to go to

One took my virginity and the other is my girlfriend

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.

Almost all of them replied, “How the hell did you get in here?”

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!"

Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"

Summer rays, "Yes, but I am und...

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Which quadrilateral seems to have a boner all the time?

Erect-angle.

A man walks in a bar which has slabs of meat hanging from the ceiling. The bartender says “if you can jump up and slap a piece of meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you buy everyone in the bar a drink. The man then shook his head....

....The steaks are too high

An elderly couple is arguing about which one of them has the worst memory.

An elderly couple is arguing about which one of them has the worst memory.

\- You have the worst memory - says the wife.

\- No, you forget everything all the time! - says the husband.

\- Well, test me, and I'll show you my memory is as good a new - challenges the wife.

\...

Scientists have synthesized a drug which is 100 times stronger than Marijuana.

That's what I'd call high-tech.

It’s freezing in Florida, which means iguanas might start falling from trees. All the old people aren’t too worried about this though.

They’re used to a reptile dysfunction

Dear men, when your girlfriend suggest which of her friends you want to be included in a threesome..

You are supposed to tell one name , not two..

Trust me, I'm speaking from experience...

Two ladies were sitting and discussing the planetarium show which they had just seen. One of them said that the show was fantastic.

The other agreed to her, but added “most of it went over my head”.

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As a vampire I cannot bear direct sunlight, which is why I moved to Scotland

But now I can't find any virgins!

-- Frankie Boyle

Which of Bowser’s army can’t count right?

Lackatwo

It was only after the accident, which left the mans feet severely injured that their marriage turned sour.

Unbeknownst him he had married someone who was lack-toes intolerant

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

Which film is Patrick Mahomes watching tonight?

Remember The Titans

Which country inspired Tesla motors?

Mad at gas car.

Edit (obligatory) : Also, thanks Elon for free bitcoins.

Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap.

*\*This lowbrow Sumerian quip is the oldest recorded joke in history, dating back to 1900 BCE.*

I asked my wife when we first met which side of the bed she likes to sleep on.

"The top" she said.

A man asks an atheist if he had the ability to choose, which fictional character would he be

The atheist replied with " God "

When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first?

A nun teaching religion was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first?

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."

"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" said the Nun.

Suzy ...

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Scientists say babies can see up to about 40 centimeters away, which is equivalent to the average length from the mothers tits to her eyes

... that’s why women over 40 shouldn’t have babies.

I missed out on a great investment opportunity 5 years ago which required an initial deposit of $4 and had a return of thousands of dollars!

Don't believe me? Just ask my 4-year old!

Which orphan is best at baseball?

Bat man

Which animal has the biggest mood swings?

A Bi-polar bear.

Which coloured pencil is the sharpest?

Red, because it can draw blood.

Which friends should you always take out to dinner?

Your taste buds.

Which came first the chicken or the egg?

I don’t know much about chickens but I know they’re female so they definitely didn’t come first.

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

A sales associate asked me which mattress I would buy

I said I'd sleep on it

Which is the funniest Disney movie?

Ra-pun-zel

A woman locked her car key in her car, so she asked a passerby for help. The passerby took off his pants, rolled it into a ball and rubbed it on the car door. The car door springs open. Amazed, the woman asked the passerby how did he do it, to which he replied:

"It's simple, these are khaki pants"

My dad asked me which Metallica songs I know

I told him I only know one and nothing else matters.

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Two nums were ordered to paint the sanctuary which was being refurbished.

To avoid splattering paint on their habits, they decided to lock the doors and paint in the nude.

After a while, they heard a knock on the door and asked "Who is it?"
The answer came back "Blind man!"

They shrugged and decided to open the door, the blind man couldn't see their...

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "...

We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.


That leaves 251 million to do the work. 


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.


Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million chil...

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Hitler went to a fortune teller and asked her

“on what day will I die?” The fortune teller assured him that he would die on a Jewish holiday. “Why are you so sure of that?” demanded Hitler. “Any day”, she replied, “on which you die will be a Jewish holiday”.

Which is the most slipperiest country in the world?

Greece

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