A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefuln...

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He said, “Try the ATM outside”

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!"

Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"

Summer rays, "Yes, but I am und...

When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first?

A nun teaching religion was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first?

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."

"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" said the Nun.

Suzy ...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

Which is heavier: one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane?

The water.

No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.

Their number one answer was,

“HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN HERE?!”

Which is worse ignorance or apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you t...

Caesar: Want to go see a movie? Brutus: Sure which one?

Caesar: It 2, Brute

Which word has 6 letters, starts with an N and ends with an R and is related to a Race

NASCAR

What do you call a rocket which eats other rockets?

A cannibalistic missile.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An uneducated man decides to give college a second chance. He walks up to the Dean of his local community college and says, "I want to learn something new, I haven't learned much and I want to learn more,". "Great, which class would you like to take?" said the Dean.

"Which classes do you offer?" responded the man.

"We have all sorts of classes, from science to logic," said the Dean.

"What's logic?" asked the man.

"Well, I can use information to assume something." Said the Dean.

"How?" asked the Man.

"Take this scenario, d...

What do Daredevil and Scarlet Which have in common?

They both lost their vision

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Probably the chicken as eggs cant

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?" he asks the shop assistant. "Which Barbie? responds the worker.

"We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $395.00."

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others?"...

Which US president was the least guilty?

Lincoln, because he was in a cent

Steve and the other passengers had to solve a number of clues in order to figure out where the ship they boarded was headed that day. Which cruise were they on?

Blue's Cruise

Which slot has the best odds in Vegas?

The atm.

Which scientific technique prepares you the best for prison?

Cell culture.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

I just heard Matthew McConaughey is teaching a class at the University of Texas this fall. His lucky students are excited because he's promised to reveal all the secrets of how he made it big in the movies. Which sounds awesome, but...

I hear the class is *just* "Alright, alright, alright."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time. Which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a priest is walking across the market and he hears a fisher yell”DAMN FISH GET YOUR DAMN FISH” so the priest walks up to the fisher and says “you can’t just swear like that you’ll make god angry” on which the fisher replies “this is an misunderstanding these fish were caught at the dam they’re

Dam fish” The priests understands what the fisher means and buys 2 dam fish when he comes home the priest asks his wife “can you cook these dam fish for supper tomorrow”on which the wife replies surprised”dear you’re a priest you can’t just swear like that” on which the priest explains the situation...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man finds a magic lamp from which a genie suddenly pops out...

...the man can not believe what he sees but quickly understands what it means. In excitement, he starts reciting his first wish when the genie cuts him.

"You who saved me from my curse shall receives three wishes as symbol of my gratitude, all though, I should firs-"

"Spare me the det...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman has designed a clock which moves one minute forward whenever it hears someone swear. To test it, he decided to set it up in three bars different bars.

First he went to a Japanese bar and anonymously set up the clock on one of the walls.

A day later, he returns to that bar to see that the clock is only one minute too early from the current time.

He repeats the process, but now in an American bar.

A day later he returns to see t...

I once knew a guy arrested on drug charges, and though he thought he'd get off light, they ended up slapping a bunch of other bogus charges on him, which, added to the fact that his lawyer was one of the worst in the state, eventually led him to being handed a 40 year stint in a max security prison.

That sentence was way too long.

I saw people collecting for Parkinson's and they were shaking tins which I thought was insensitive.

-Gary Delaney-

Which ancient Egyptian chancellor spoke his mind most frankly when in court?

IMHOtep

Which Country’s capital city has the fastest growing population.

Ireland. Everyday it’s Dublin.

At the playground I asked a man which child was his

He smiled and replied that he hadn’t decided yet

Which celebrity gets the most speeding tickets?

Kim Kar-dash-ian

Microsoft has put a hidden feature into Windows 10 which removes bad Reddit posts from the screen.

You can press the Alt and the F4 key at the same time to try it out.

Which makes you stronger milk or pot?

They say drinking milk makes you strong while pot makes you weak.
I have proven them wrong.
Drink milk as much as you can and try to move a wall you can't,
on the other hand smoke some pot and the wall will move on its own.

I say to a baker “All your cakes are 50 pence except that one which is £1. Why’s that?” ...

“Arhh! That’s Madeira cake!” The baker replies.

Which has more courage, a rock or a tree?

A rock, because it's boulder!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friends keep telling me that make-up sex is the best, which is great news for me.

Because all my sex is made up.

On the freeway, a truck spilled its cargo of strawberries, which were then crushed by the cars followed behind.

Caused a traffic jam.

A Spartan man and an Athenian man are arguing over which city is best

The Spartan man says " I think this should come down to a vote"

To which the Athenian agrees

The Spartan then says "I vote Sparta"

The Athenian says" I vote Athens"

The Spartans wife say "I vote Sparta"

The Athenian Wife says calmly"I don't get to vote"

Which blood type causes the most mistakes in hospital?

Type-O

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a snail named Sam who lived in a forest which had an interesting reputation;

all the forest creatures would design elaborate vehicles and then race against each other every month. The snail loved to watch the races, and dreamed of participating one day.

However, everyone told the snail there was no way someone as slow as him would ever race. But, he was determined! Fo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with a loaded six-shot revolver. He yells: "Which one of you bastards slept with my sister?"

One man laughs and replies: "You ain't got enough bullets!"

Which is heavier - 1000 pounds of feathers or 1000 pounds of bricks?

The feathers are heavier - you also have to carry the guilt of plucking all those chickens.

Which ice cream do weasels prefer?

Popsicles.

Now you may say, "Hi, dad!"

Son; "Dad, which do you think is America's worst problem: ignorance or apathy?"

Dad; "Don't know. Don't really care, either."

Went to see a movie last night which had an overall rating of 3.14

It was pirated.

How can you tell which man is blind at a nude beach?

It isnt hard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which stormtroopers did Vader hate most?

Sandtroopers. They're coarse and rough and irritating and they get everywhere.

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies.

*poof*

The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”.

But to explain that joke b...

Which Larry is it?

Dave: I invited Larry to our dinner party tonight.

Sally: Wait! You mean the Larry who can’t spell, or the Larry who is a cannibal?

*phone chimes*

Text from Larry: I can’t wait to meat Sally tonight...

Dave: yeah... I’m not sure.

"A bull is standing at the border of the Netherlands and Belgium, in which country gives it his milk?"

"A bull is standing at the border between the Netherlands and Belgium, in which country gives it his milk?"

"A bull doesn't give milk"

"Belgians don't know that!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was late for work this morning, my boss asked me why to which I replied "I had a mechanical failure with my donkey." Perplexed my boss asked me what that had to do with getting to work.

To which i replied "I couldn't get my ass in gear"

A Sunday School teacher is teaching kids about Heaven and asked the class their thoughts on which part of them would get to Heaven first.

Little Suzy says it's her heart, because she's so caring and loving. Angie says it's her brain, because she's smart and uses it to help people.

Tommy looks around and say "No, no, no. It's not your brain or heart. I know the answer to this one. It's your feet."

"Why your feet?" asked t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which is the most sensitive part of your body when you're jerking off?



Ears. You need to know whether your mom is cumming or not.

I am from Taiwan. I am not good at English spelling but I tried my best.

Which kind of poo smells better than it tastes?

Shampoo

The 80s, an American and a Russian are arguing about which country has more freedom.

The American says, “I can walk right up to the White House and shout 'Down with Reagan!' and nothing bad will happen to me.” The Russian replies, “Guess what? I can walk in front of Kremlin and shout 'Down with Reagan!' and nothing will happen to me either.”

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's English class and a female teacher asks students to give her example of a sentence which contains "just in a case" in it.

The first student raises his hand and responds:

\- "There is no ongoing war, but we still keep the army, just in case"

\- "Excellent! Anybody else?" - asks the teacher.

\- "There is no fire but we still keep the fireman, just in case" - answers the other student.

Vova rai...

Which games console do religious women like to play on?

The nun-tendo wii

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which organ in your body is in charge?

A long time ago, all the organs in a human body got into an argument, as to who should be in charge of the body, who is the most necessary one.

The brain said "I am obviously the one! I make all the decisions!"
The stomach replied "Well I feed the entire body! That is the most important ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

Three doppelgangers are hanging out together. One is Puerto Rican, one is a vegan, and the last one does crossfit. How do you know which is which?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

Which one of King Arthur’s knights built the round table??

Sir Cumference (hahaha)

Which bees eat brains?

Zom-bees.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which stretches further, skin or rubber?

Skin. The Bible says that Moses tied his ass to a tree then walked for 40 miles.

An old survivor of the Auschwitz death camp dies and goes to heaven. Passing through the Pearly Gates he tells god a holocaust joke to which god replies, "I don't find that funny."

The old survivor says, "Well...I guess you had to be there."

I am a member of an online community which appreciates & discusses the programming language C.

We call ourselves the 'C-Men'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Isaac Newton died a virgin, which means I have a one up on one of history's greatest scientists

Because I'm not dead.

Which is the most educated dinosaur?

The Thesaurus

Which branch of the military is the most American?

The Air Force, because they are US AF.

Which Spice Girl can carry the most petrol ...

... Geri can

Which is correct: “I can write with both of my arms,” or “I can write with all of my arms.”?

It depends where you are. In the UK, for example, you would use “both,” while in Chernobyl, you would use “all.”

My teacher said she would punish me if I didn't know Tehran is the capital of which country

So I ran

Which part of the body is the last to die?

Pupils, coz they dilate.

Which Harry Potter book is the darkest?

Order of the Phoenix, because that’s when it starts getting Dead Sirius.

God explain to stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell

God : You prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell ?

Stalin : i chose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says "hi", first.

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.

Which US president was the first to embrace professional social networks?

Abraham LinkedIn

There’s only one thing I hate about Halloween

Which is...

Which job has the most openings?

Doorman

Dad : “I need to call the doctor today.” Mom : “Which doctor?”

Dad : “No, the regular kind.”

What do you call a buck, doe, or fawn that, through no fault if its own and most likely the result of a congenital birth defect, has no organs with which to see?

No eye deer.

When you’re at the playground, you can always tell which child plays the trombone.

It’s the one that can’t swing and doesn’t know how to use the slide.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two potatoes are standing on the street. How do you know which one is a prostitute?

one of them has a sticker that says idaho

The real name by which eskimos name themselfs?

I forgot but I swear Inuit earlier.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father whale and his son are swimming when the son whale asks his father "where did I come from." The father whale replies "from my penis son." The son rolls his eyes and says "thanks dad" to which the father whale replies

"you're whale cum son, you're whale cum."

Which flowers swear?

Hibiscusses.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is deciding between three women, which to be with. He tests them by giving them each $5000 to see what they each do with the money.

The first woman got a complete spa treatment and makeover to make herself look good for the man. The second woman took her $5000 and bought the man gifts, gadgets and trinkets he’d like to make him happy. The third woman invested the money, made a hefty return on it, and paid back the man his $5000....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks up to 3 women wearing potato sacks. How does he know which one is the prostitute?

The one whose sack reads "Idaho"

Which nation has the most university students?

Procrasti-nation

Which plant is the spookiest?

BamBOO!

A boy scout says to his scout leader, "Sir, is this snake poisonous?" The scout leader says, "No, that snake's not poisonous at all." So the boy picks up the snake, which bites him and the boy starts to spasm and foam at the mouth as the other kids look on in horror!

The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."

Which writing style should come with a mouth censor?

Cursive writing

Which biblical character is the best at aerobics?

Pontius Pilates

Which makes a better Doctor? A cat or a dog?

of course its Cats! Dog's can't even run an MRI. But Cat's can!

Joe: Guess which hand I hid the penny in?

5 year old: This one.

Joe: God damn it kid, how did you know?!

Turns out one-hand Joe isn't very good at surprising people.

Which knight is the protector of food?

Sir Anwrap.

The waiter asked for a tip, which I thought was...

...gratuitous

Which medication kites behind your boat?

Parasailtamol

Which country listens to the most Bob Marley?

Yemen.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.