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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.

"Here, try these on," he says.

"What? Why?" she says.

"Just put them on," he insists.

"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."

"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this ma...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and...

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

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Genie says, "I will grant you 3 wishes, What will be the first one?". Omar replies, "I wish that I can have unlimited wishes."

Genie : "That is not possible, you can only have 3 wishes."

Omar thinks about it for some time.

Omar : "Alright, my first wish is that I want an umbrella."

Genie grants the wish, and asks "What do you want next?"

Omar : "Shove this umbrella up your ass."

Genie stru...

I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place!

My dog came in third.

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Rolled my first joint last night.

Fuck, my ankle hurts this morning.

Three men are chatting when the first says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber.

"I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A pipe."

"I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician," says the second. "I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A box of fuses."

"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse," says the thi...

I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

As the patient recovers from laser eye surgery, the surgeon comes in asks if they want the good news or the bad news first.

The patient excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”

The surgeon tells them, “Well, you’re about to get a new dog!”

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over for dinner

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner. The girl tells her boyfriend that she would like to "do it" for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic but he has never done it before so he goes to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for over a...

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Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says....

Do you know why Hindu worship Lord Ganesha first

Because we have to first address the elephant in the room

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A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

A group of first graders come in from recess

Once they all sat down the teacher grabbed a piece a chalk and walked to the chalkboard. "Jimmy, what did you do for recess?" Jimmy replied, "I played in the sandbox." "Very good, the teacher said, If you can come to the board and spell sand I will give you a cookie". Jimmy approaches the board and ...

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Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

What was a python's first words?

print("s" \* 10)

Turns out we’ve all been lied to about French fries. The first fries weren’t actually cooked in France.

They were cooked in Greece.

I can’t wait to get my first award

Sadly it’s from myself

I remember my first time using a condom...

I just turned 18 and went to buy a packet on condoms from the pharmacy. There was an attractive, young assistant behind the counter and she could tell that I was new to it. She handed me the package and knew if I knew how to wear one. I said no, so she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped...

Little Timmy went to school for the first time.

At school, a kid told him that if he wanted to earn money from everybody around him, all he had to say was “I know the whole truth.”

Deciding to test this, when he returned home he told his mother, “I know the whole truth.”

His mother immediately shoved ten dollars at him and said, “Do...

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The sexiest mythological creature is Medusa

Whenever I see her I get rock hard

Why do Women and Children evacuate first during any type of disaster

So men can think of solutions in silence

My 4yo's first real joke: Why did the clown go to the doctor?

Because he was feeling funny!

#prouddadmoment

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her...

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

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My first attempt at a joke in English (I'm Italian)

A group of friends is playing poker.

Now it's Michael's turn to give cards. He's got a broken hand in a cast, so he starts to shuffle them clumsily. He's really pissed at his condition and gets mad.

His friend Jim then interrupts him and says:

"Look, the problem is not the broke...

A new navy recruit has his first day on a submarine

He speaks with his officer who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post t...

My 2 year old just told me his first joke

My 2 year old is eating an apple and asked me: what does the apple say?

Me: I don't know

2 year old: yummy!

I don't know if this is the right place for it but the pride on his face for making me laugh was the best part of my day!

Geoffrey, a middle aged British tourist on his first visit to Germany finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and ...

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Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?

...it was Luke warm.

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Little Johnny has the foulest mouth in his first grade class

All the teachers at the school know this. One day, a teacher starts teaching her class the alphabet.

She says, "Class, who can give me a word that starts with the letter A?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, but the teacher knows Johnny is going to use a swear word, so she picks someone e...

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said "Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

“But I'm a college graduate!” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that" said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I...

In celebration of my very first Cake Day, I'm reposting one of my own jokes:

A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.

The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has ...

My first dad joke

My step daughter told me she wanted to write a book called “The Language of Farts.” I said knowing her it would be a New York Times best smeller!

Who was the first carpenter mentioned in the bible?

Eve. She made Adam's hotdog stand.

Sometimes I like to put the punchline first

A lot of people asked me why the line for drinks is before the line for food, so I explained

What do you call first aid on a pirate ship?

Sea pee yarrrrrrrr!

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A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University ...

A Texan arrived for his first day at Harvard University and found himself lost in the yard. He stopped a professor who was walking by and said to him, "Howdy Pardner, could y'all tell me where that there library is at?"

The professor couldn't believe his ears. "What did you say?" he said.
...

A blonde and a lawyer are on a plane

And they’re sitting next to each other. The lawyer gets bored and decides to play a game.

He asks the blonde to join. The lawyer says “we’ll each ask each other a trivia question. If you get it right, you earn $5. If you get it wrong, the other person earns $5.”

Well, the blonde isn’t...

There was once a hillbilly in first grade

His teacher once asked him:

"Do you know what the chicken gives us?"

"Eggs" he answered

"Correct, anything else?"

"More eggs"

"Beside the eggs, what does the chicken give us?"

"Even more eggs, ma'am"

"I'll give you a hint - it's something fluffy"
<...

At first I didn't like my beard

But it's grown on me.

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
...

My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.

So I punched him & stole his lunch money.

First, I got a tattoo on my Clavical that says “5”

Then I got a tattoo on my thoracic that says “4”

Then I got a tattoo on my lumbar that says “3”

Then I got a tattoo on my sacrum that says “2”

Then I got a tattoo on my coccyx that says “1”

It’s the spinal countdown!

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Took my son out for his first Pint today.

I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it, I had it. Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn't like that either, I had it. It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider. By the time we got down to the Whisky,

I could hardly push the fucking pram.

If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...

....Then Soviet

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

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The prostitutes operation...

An old prostitute tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses car...

What do you call when a person with a foot fetish gets to smash on the first date?

*getting* *off* *on* *the* *right* *foot*

The first time Chewbacca tried to fly a ship, he pulled gear lever instead of break lever.

A Wookie mistake.

In Russia a rookie police officer was assigned to ride along with a senior officer to learn the ropes. On his first day the pair came across the body of a famous politician who had been shot 30 times and set on fire. The rookie looked at his senior partner and said "This is obviously murder."

To which the partner replied "Could also be a suicide. Just depends on who killed him."

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”

*Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water.*

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary..."

... the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish."

He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same.

When the last student ha...

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NSFW A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma..

A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in a coma when she notices that the patients heart rate and breathing increase whenever she cleans the genital area. She gets the idea that oral sex might actually revive her. She calls the patient's husband over and explains that oral sex might revive her,...

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A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

It was Tracy's first day at the aviary

And she was put in charge of the cassowary enclosure. She only looked away for a second, but that was enough time for one of them to escape! Tracy looked back and saw a flurry of wings and feathers as the great beast fled the area. She chased after it and heard in the distance a great commotion and ...

Three nuns die and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.

"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.

"Where did Eve live?" He says to ...

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Two tampons are walking down the street, which one says hi first

Neither, they’re both stuck up cunts

My Native American girlfriend was nervous the first time she invited me back to her place

She had her reservations

What do you call a Russian politician who is first to test their new Corona vaccine?

Alexei Navalni

if at first you don't succeed,

then skydiving is *probably* not the sport for you

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Two guys invited a prostitute to a hotel room

They decided to do it separately so the first guy goes in the room while the other is waiting at the lobby.

Then the first guy comes out, the second guy asks: ''How was she?''

First guy answers: ''She was okay, but she was nothing compared to my wife.''

Then the second guy goes...

Warning, English not my first language, so sorry if hard to understand

The creative writing students all shifted a little uneasy as they realized they had clearly picked the wrong professor

First rule of 2021

Never talk about 2020

First day as a cop

Me: “Suspect is dancing naked in the street.”

Dispatch: “Copy that.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll try, but I’m not much of a dancer.”

Kim Jong Un proudly tells his advisors:“North Korea will be the first country to send people to the sun!”

His advisors break out in applause. Meanwhile Donald Trump is watching this live on TV. He calls Kim Jong Un and asks him:

“How are you going to send people to the sun? It’s too hot!”

Kim Jong Un replies by saying to his advisors:

“What an idiot! We can send them at night!”
<...

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A priest is nervous about conducting his first church service...

...he gives it his best effort and does horribly. Feeling dejected he returns to his quarters where he finds an anonymous note, it reads: "Next Sunday, take some of the port and sip it whilst carrying out the service, it will calm your nerves."

The priest thinks this is great advice and sets ...

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A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day.

A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day. After aggravating his mother, he's sent outside to play. In the yard, he overhears his neighbors fighting: "You bitch!" "You bastard!" Astounded, he runs back inside and asks his mother, "Mommy mommy! What is a bitch and bastard?"
...

Dam I wish I'd thought of it first

A rabbit and a beaver is sitting staring at the Hoover Dam.
The rabbit says, "Did you really build it?"
The beaver responds, "I didn't actually build it, but it is based on my design."

A man walks into a clinic for the first time. The nurse tells him to fill the cup to this line at least. The man replies "Everytime I give blood I never extract it myself the nurse always does it"

Nurse- "I understand but sir this is a sperm bank"

A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer.

"Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.

So I tried cat for the first time yesterday

Just kitten

What did the elephant say the first time he saw a naked man?

How are you supposed to feed yourself with that??

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Two Vaginas were talking and the first one said: “Did you hear that asshole I live with—says we get more dick then her”

“They hate us cuz they anus,” said the other

I wanted to make a post with a joke about musical notes. I first attempted to use Do or Mi, but in the end I went with

a Re post.

Bernie said he's going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse

On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.

A maid asks for a raise

*Mrs*: Why do you think you deserve a raise? You have only worked here for a month.

*Maid*: I have three reasons, the first being that I cook better than you.

*Mrs*: who told you that?

*Maid*: Your husband said it.

*Mrs*: And what else?

*Maid*: He also told me that...

Eve is boing for the first bath in the lake.

First she dips her toes in the water and it feels great.
She gets into the water up to her knees and she feels amazing.
Then she goes even deeper to put in her thighs, it’s almost ecstatic.
Then she can’t resist no longer so she jumps right into the lake and starts swimming, when the god ap...

I opened up my first C4 Store!

Business is Booming!

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

What’s one thing that turned out positive in 2020? I’ll go first:

My COVID test.

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Jack was a virgin, and asked his friend Jim for advice prior to his first sexual experience.

Jack had been dating Jill for a few weeks. A few days ago, she proposed that he spend the night at her house, and Jack was a bit nervous as he was a virgin. He sought to his friend Jim, who was quite a player, for some advice.

Since most of what Jim tried explaining to Jack went over his hea...

First Time Driving

It was Josh's wifes first time driving. After they left home with thir cars, while driving, an announcement on the radio goes, " Dear drivers, we would like to let you know that a car on Maple Street road is in the wrong lane. Please be careful." Josh quickly calls his wife; " Anna, be careful. Ther...

A man was waiting for a bus one day, when he noticed a young blonde woman digging a hole...

...and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt. He watches as they move up the street doing this over and over again. The first blonde digs a hole, and the second one fills the dirt right back in. After a few minutes, he decides to ask them "excuse me, what are you ladies doing...

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It was the first night for a newlywed couple. The bride was still a virgin because she heard how much sex can hurt if a man has a large dick.

To make his bride feel at ease, the groom said to her, "OK, I am going to go outside and slowly show you my dick through the door. Stay calm, there is nothing to be afraid of".

So he walked out, leaving the door slightly ajar and then stuck a little bit of his dick through the gap and asked, ...

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I imagine when viagra first hit shelves, it was met with applause

Only, not the clapping of hands.

two screws in a toolbox and one says to the other "do I have to go first?" the other replies...

"come on, you know the drill."

An Indian is meeting his future wife via an arranged marriage and he father for the first time...

An Indian is meeting his future wife via an arranged marriage and he father for the first time. Her father is a heart surgeon. At one point in the evening, the father pulls the man aside and says, "There is something you should know about Saanvi before you wed. I am her doctor as well as her fa...

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The first time I saw foot porn, I didn’t like it

So after a while I decided to give it another try, and it wasn’t half bad. I guess I got off on the wrong foot

Moses was the first person to:

Download from Cloud onto a Tablet.

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How did Meghan feel after her first night with Harry?

She said it was a royal pain in the ass.

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Losing my virginity was a lot like my first football game

There was blood and snot everywhere, but at least my dad came

First Rancher: What's the name of your place?

Second Rancher: The XWK Lazy R Double Diamond Circle Q Bar S

First Rancher: How many cattle do you have?

Second Rancher: Only a few. Not many survive the branding

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I watched my first porno movie last night...

Boy, was I in good shape back then!

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Are my testicles black? (First post but let me know if it is a repost)

Are my testicles black?

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Emba...

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The first time I had sex, my girlfriend took off my Hawaiian shirt

You can say she deflowered me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's a pirate recruit's first day on his new ship (long)

As he's familiarizing himself with the crew, he notices an old man with a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. Intrigued by all of these injuries, he walks up to the man.

"It looks like you've seen quite a bit of action," he says to the old man, "I'd be interested to hear your story."

"...

By telling the punchline first

How do I tell a time travel joke?

First, we bought toilet paper for a respiratory virus because we lack common sense.

Now, we have a nationwide coin shortage, which means we lack common cents!

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."

On his first day at a resort in Greece, George and his wife went down to the beach.

Later when he went back to his room to get something to drink, he found the chambermaid making their bed. He grabbed his cooler and was on his way back out when he stopped at the door and asked, "Can we drink beer on the beach?"

"Sure." she replied. "Let me finish the rest of the rooms first....

A rookie reporter gets his first interview with a guy who castrates camels.

Not knowing where to start he asks: “how do you castrate a camel?”
The guy repsonds: “Well I take two large flat stones and slap them together.”

The shocked reporter asks: “Isn’t that a very painful ordeal?”

“No, you just have to make sure your fingers don’t get stuck inbetween thos...

According to statistics, 80% of all fatal plane crashes happen in the first 3 or last 8 minutes of the flight.

But according to even more precise statistics, 100% of all fatal plane crashes happen within the last 0.1 seconds of the fight.

I told my brother, "I went to the GPS repair shop for the first time ever."

How did you find it?" he asked.

I said, "With difficulty."

One of NASA's first astronauts has recently died.

I know because I just read his orbit.

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A guy is having sex for the first time and wants to sound experienced and wants to say something sexy.

The girl yells out “ I love how big you are.”

He yells out “I love how big you are too!”

A blonde, a brunette, and a ginger,

All three girls die at the same time and at the staircase to heaven the angel says "okay on every step is a joke and if you can go up all 1000 steps you will go to heaven but if you laugh you will go down to hell."

So the brunette says "sounds easy" but when she makes it's to the 100th step s...

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

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I made a compilation of my favorite 10 jokes from this sub. The first 9 are great but #10 is fucking gold.

1. Great

2. Great

3. Great

4. Great

5. Great

6. Great

7. Great

8. Great

9. Great

10. Fucking Gold.

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab!"

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

If an apple and an emo kid fall off a tree what hits the ground first?

The apple bc the rope caught the emo kid

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I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chai...

A baby born feet first has worn its mother as a hat.....

Just sayin...

An eager young attorney had just opened his first office.

He'd decorated it with expensive, heavy oak furniture, a collection of costly art posters, and various other accoutrements to impress any potential client who walked through the door.

He'd placed ads and sent out engraved announcements about his new business, and he was sitting back waiting f...

The first 5G cell phone mast in town is put up

Suddenly, all sorts of people develop medical conditions. A citizens' initiative against the mast is formed. A public hearing is organized with the mayor and representatives of the telecom company. The people bring forward all the ailments they suffer from since the mast was erected.

The tele...

A Young Vulture is sick of eating dead things and wants to be a vegetarian...

So he asks his parents whether they can start incorporating some vegetables into their meals.

His father is ashamed of him and says 'No'.

So the young vulture asks if he could bring a carrot to dinner and his mother and father tell him that he is a disgrace to the family and to put the...

If at first you succeed

You probably did something wrong go back and figure out what it was.

Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, has become the first person ever to have a net worth over $200 billion.

That‘s a really expensive net!

What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon.

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch. The first bull growled, "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows!" The second bull snorted, "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows!"

The third grunted in agreement, "I've only been here a year and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows!"

Just then, an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen.

At 4,70...

Once management wants you fired, you’ll be fired

A king had 10 wild ferocious dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him. A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn't like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said, "I have served you loyally f...

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To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

First rule of vegan fight club...

Tell EVERYONE about vegan fight club !

An old man is selling watermelons...

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and sa...

What did r/Jokes say when the second number met the first letter?

2 met A.

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stor...

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Translated this joke from my native language...

A guy say (Billy) who had very small penis, came to know about a guy. who knew a word, which upon saying penis grows by some inches.



Billy went there, that guy sat on a hill, and to climb that hill, there was a rope. So Billy started climbing that hill, upon climbing, the man asked B...

Mr. Bean's first name

Fun Fact : Mr. Bean's first name is Mr. As seen on his passport in the movie.

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I have to tell my girlfriend I am not into her fetishes.

But first, I gotta get some shit off my chest.

What does a racer has who always finishes first

Unsatisfied partner

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One day you will ask me what's my first priority ― you or shit jokes?

I will say "You" and you will stay, not knowing that shit jokes are number 2.

My wife said she found my first gray hair, but I didn't believe her for the longest time. Then when I was brushing my teeth this morning I saw it in the mirror, on the left side of my mustache.

It was right under my nose this whole time.

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

I was gonna post something else for my first post here, but it was just too corny.

Then again, I was born in Indiana.

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An 80-Years old man goes for a Penis Checkup...

After a brief evaluation of his penis the doctor says,

Doctor: Eveything looks fine, but for a complete analysis, we need your sperm(semen) sample too.

He gives him a small glass bottle.

Doctor: Bring this back tomorrow and then we'll proceed further.

Next day the old man...

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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

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Mr. Johnson joined a bowling team. "We meet at 8:00 every Saturday morning," said the captain. "Okay," said Mr. Johnson, "but I might be five minutes late for the first game."

That Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a turkey with his right hand. When he left the bowling alley, he said, "Next week, I might be five minutes late."

The next Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a six-pack with his left hand. When he left the bow...

I've been a beekeeper for years and when my crush said "It's me or it's those nasty insects, make up your mind", at first I didn't think she was serious.

Then I saw her face.


Now I'm a bee-leaver.

What's the first sign that you have caught bird flu?

Fowl symptoms.

“Did you know that two is the first odd prime?”

“But two is even.”

“That’s what’s so odd about it.”

First time buying protection.

A young boy goes to the pharmacy to buy protection.

The pharmacist is a young, attractive girl. He asks her for a pack of condoms.

She gives it to him, but asks “Why do you look so confused?”

He says “I’ve never used them before.”

So she seductively rolls one onto her t...

A Buddhist monk, visiting New York City for the first time in twenty years, walked up to a hot dog vendor, handed him a twenty dollar bill, and said, “Make me one with everything.”

The vendor pocketed the money, and handed the Buddhist monk his hot dog. The monk, after waiting for a moment, asked for his change. The vendor looked at him and said, “Change comes from within.”

At first I wanted to break up with my girlfriend because she didn’t like to play video games...

It wasn’t really something to Fallout 4.

The first rule of deaf club

Nyou nu not nalk amout nef glub

What did Adam say to Eve the first time he saw her?

... Ouch (rubbing his side)

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A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The ...

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

A boy is about to go on his first date, is worried about keeping the conversation flowing, and asks his older brother's advice

His older brother tells him to remember the 3 F's: Family, Food, and Filosophy; and to start ask questions about them.

On their date, there is a lull in the conversation and the boy decides to heed his brother's advice. He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

"No," the girl replies.

"...

At first I hated my new haircut

....then it grew on me

I took my new puppy for it's first shots today, but the poor thing threw up everywhere.

I probably should have started him on something weaker than sambuca

Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time

Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.

Cain, the first murderer, walks into a bar.

The bartender says "hey, you're new here, ain't'cha? We've got a promotion going on here; if you can land this ping pong ball in that cup over there, you get a free drink. up for it?"


Cain responds "Sorry, I don't think I'm Abel."

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Today I touched a boob for the first time

Then I got kicked out the clothing store

The first female US President

Is just Biden her time.

The arguments between the "pro-mask" and "anti-mask" groups is really intense! People are even PRACTICING their arguments at home first.

Just yesterday I heard a 14 y/o boy tell his friend that at home he mask debates into a sock!

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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.

She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little...

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