My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?

...it was Luke warm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The first time I saw foot porn, I didn’t like it

So after a while I decided to give it another try, and it wasn’t half bad. I guess I got off on the wrong foot

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"

"And then we'll see."

Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time

Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.

So I punched him & stole his lunch money.

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:

“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the intervie...

I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.

At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

Bernie said he's going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse

On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.

I watched the Harry Potter films for the first time at the weekend

They were okay, but a bit unrealistic: a ginger schoolkid with two friends?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man " is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20€ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So the man leaves the church and walks away

After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20€. The woman is furious! "You think you can have ...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona

By keeping the first one going

Genie: "What’s your first wish?"

Steve: "I wish I was rich!"

Genie: "Okay, what's your next wish?"

Rich: "I wish I had lots of money!"

Breaking news :NASA wants first person to reach Mars, to be a woman.

So that when men arrive, dinner would be ready.

My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.

The second time let me down.

Adam & Eve were the first ones to

ignore the Apple terms and conditions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 7 year-old and a 4 years-old are in their bedroom. “You know what, I think it’s time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’ll swear first, then you” says the 7 year old. “OK” says the 4 year-old. Mum asks the 7 year-old what he wants for breakfast. “I’ll have Frosties, bitch”

WHACK, he flew out the chair crying his eyes out. Mum looks at the 4 year-old and said sternly! “And what do you want?”

He says “Don’t know, but it won’t be fucking Frosties”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two tampons are walking down the street, which one says hi first?

Neither because they’re both stuck up cunts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

The punchline comes first

What’s the worst about time travel jokes?

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!

ETA: GUYS! Thanks so much for the upvotes, I've never had so many! Y'all made my night!

I found some dusty old boxes in my closet and in them were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw...

There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's most prized collection!!

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he co...

The first thing I do after I wake up every morning is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of junk to IKEA.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went down on my girlfriend for the first time...

And I said, "Damn you got a huge pussy! Damn you got a huge pussy! Damn you got a huge pussy! "

She said, "Why'd you say that three times!!!"

I replied, "I didn't "

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber...

He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!

"St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ralph...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I first wanked it my semen only flew 6 inches. Now it goes at least a foot every time..

Look how far I’ve cum

My two year-old son told his first joke today. Afterwards, he burst out laughing for about 5 minutes straight saying 'I'm so funny' over and over again.

The joke.
Son comes in carrying a soft toy, a cow.

Son: "Mummy Mummy cow is being noisy!"

Mummy: "How is cow being nois---"

Son: "Moooooooo!!!!"
Then bursts into loud laughter.

Love this kid!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I first saw "Back to the Future" I thought: "shit, this dude is going to bang his mom."

But luckily, they got caught fingering and were thrown out of the cinema.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I watched my first porn movie today...

...jeeze I was young back then.

If at first you don't succeed...

...then skydiving isn't for you!

This year was the first year I couldnt travel to Europe because of Covid-19.

Before this I couldnt because I didnt have money.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

 

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

 

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

Me: What’s the WiFi password?

**Bartender:** You need to buy a drink first

**Me:** Okay, I’ll have a coke.

**Bartender:** Is Pepsi okay?

**Me:** Sure, how much is that?

**Bartender:** $3.

**Me:** There you go. So what’s the WiFi password?

**Bartender:** You need to buy a drink first. No ...

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:

“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the mi...

Do you know what we would call ‘COVID-19’ if the first ten thousand people killed were politicians?

A good start.

which country was the first to get coronavirus?

China, they got it right off the bat.

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students...

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing

out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and

the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking

this rule will be fined $20 the first ti...

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.

It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

Due to COVID-19, this was the first year I could not go to Switzerland for my summer vacation

Otherwise it's due to the lack of money.

2 scientists walk into a bar, the first one says “I’ll have H2O” the second one says “I’ll have water also” the first scientist walks off, furious that is assassination attempt had failed.

You have to be moderately smart to understand it...

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf-mute walks up to a foursome on the first hole at St. Andrews

He hands one of the players a card that says, “I am a deaf-mute, playing as a single, may I play through?”   
  
The player, a total jerk, shakes his head no and points the deaf-mute to go back and wait his turn.
  
A few holes later, the jerk gets hit in the head by a golf ball while ...

The first Karen to get sick was..

Impatient Zero

My 7 year old's first comeback line

My son has asd and though he loves to read jokes and tries to understand why they are funny, introducing wit to him has been difficult. It was more of a surprise than a joke but here goes.

We recently moved to India and my wife is missing outdoors and Europe and today she said - oh I really w...

Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, "Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"

"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent."

"And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?"

"No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!"

The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D...

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

I went on a first date to the zoo with a nice lass

As we were walking to the entrance I asked her if I could get the tickets but she told me not to worry because she got a staff discount there.

After that she told me about all these incredible animals and I was blown away by the whole experience. Such a beautiful day.

She's a keeper.

‪This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus. ‬ ‪

Normally I don’t go because I’m poor‬

Since quarantine I've not had a haircut. Hell, I've not even stepped on the scales. So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months.

Who knew hair weighed so much?!

Do you know who won the first ‘Tour de France’?

The 5th Panzer Division

When you think of 2020, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?

Coronavirus, right off the bat.

It shouldn't be surprising our first black president was elected prior to Trump

It's always darkest before Don

A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

First the first time in US history communication with the President has been completely lost.

>!The senate has been scrambling since the presidents ban from Twitter, as it’s unclear when the White House will resurface.!<



>!Edit: I don’t know how to prevent the post body from being visible from the subs main page. Also, thanks for sorting by new!<

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to ...

A man walks into a resort and the first sign he sees says “Lool Area”. He was confused and asked one of the employees about it.



“Yes, we have this tradition here, where we replace the first ‘P’ of a word that starts with P with an ‘L’."

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, he’d be fine. The man toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria.

There was a s...

First woman on the Moon.

"Houston, we have a problem."


What?


"Never mind"


What's the problem?


"Nothing"


Please tell us?


"You know what the problem is."

Two guys are chatting at the gym, and the first guy says to the second "what's that bulge in your pants?"

The second guy replies: "Tennis ball."

The first guy thinks about it for a second and says, "ouch. I had tennis elbow once."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

Me and my girlfriend go really well together. First off, we've both been arrested.

Her for aggravated assault and me for aggravated apepper

I always worry when a woman sees me naked for the first time...

That she’s gonna scream and run out of the park.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day...

But luckily, my boss told me that I could wipe the slate clean.

I hated the quarantine at first. Then I realized I have everything I need at my house, and I slowly started loving the isolation.

Probably it’s stock home syndrome.

For the first time in my life, I can’t go for a holiday because of COVID-19

Previously, it was because I couldn’t afford it

Scientists discovered that brains of male parents irreversibly change after their first child was born

They become brain-dad

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.

A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?"

The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make!” “And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well...” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin. “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, eldest daughter?”

“I’m marrying a Russet!”

“A Russet!” replied Moth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mechanic drops his daughter off at Harvard for her first day of college.

As he tries to find his way off campus, he realizes he needs to use the restroom, so he asks a student, “Excuse me, but do you know where the nearest restroom is at?”

The student replies, “Sir, at Harvard we never end a sentence with a preposition.”

The mechanic replies, “Oh, my mistak...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time.

He says “This is Amanda”. His dad jumps up “It’s a fucking what?”

My girlfriend fell and landed crotch first on my Timbs. You know what I called her?

Puss in boots.

A guy goes skydiving for the first time.

The instructor goes over the procedure with him.

“That plane will take you up,” the instructor says. “The pilot will let you know when you are over the drop zone. Jump out the back door of the plane and watch your altimeter. When it says 2000 ft, pull the red cord. It’ll deploy your main para...

I will always remember my son's first words

"Where the heck have you been the past 16 years?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?

Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?

Dad: Ohhh yeah I do!

Son: How did it taste?

Dad: Get out.

I got fired on my first day as a car salesman

Customer: "cargo space?"

Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads"

Manager: " can I see you in my office?"

I remember my first time with a condom.

I was 13 so I went to buy a packet of condoms from the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me a package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I said no, so she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her th...

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...

... and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First thing this morning there's a tap on my front door.

My plumber thinks he's so fucking funny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a man when it’s his first time at a sex club?

A newcummer

The l‌‌ocal c‌‌harity r‌‌ealized t‌‌hat i‌‌t h‌‌ad n‌‌ever r‌‌eceived a‌‌ d‌‌onation f‌‌rom t‌‌he c‌‌ity's m‌‌ost s‌‌uccessful l‌‌awyer.

So a‌‌ v‌‌olunteer p‌‌aid t‌‌he l‌‌awyer a‌‌ v‌‌isit i‌‌n h‌‌is l‌‌avish o‌‌ffice. T‌‌he v‌‌olunteer o‌‌pened t‌‌he m‌‌eeting b‌‌y s‌‌aying, "‌‌Our r‌‌esearch s‌‌hows t‌‌hat e‌‌ven t‌‌hough y‌‌our a‌‌nnual i‌‌ncome i‌‌s o‌‌ver t‌‌wo m‌‌illion d‌‌ollars, y‌‌ou d‌‌on't g‌‌ive a‌‌ p‌‌enny t‌‌o c‌‌harit...

Curtis Jackson, aka 50 cent, considering to run for office. His first campaign slogans released.

Change we can believe in! The change we need!

Why did the first koala fall out the tree

It was dead

Why did the second koala fall out the tree?

It got hit by the first koala

Why did the third koala fall out the tree?

Thought it was a race to the bottom

Why did the fourth koala fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure

Why did the kangaroo die...

When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didn’t laugh at any of them. Nevertheless I’ve persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today she’s in labor with our fourth and I’ve finally got her laughing...

...I think I’ve really improved the delivery!

(True Story: Today is baby number four, and this is basically the same lame joke I told/posted when our last child was born. Dad jokes 4TW!)

Three nuns die in a car crash, and get sent up to the pearly gates of heaven. The gatekeeper sees them, and decides to have a little fun in deciding whether they may enter heaven, by giving them questions about the Bible. He explains this, and the first nun steps up to answer her question.

Gatekeeper: What were the names of the first two humans on earth?

Nun 1: Ooh, that's an easy one. Adam and Eve, of course.

The gates opened and the first nun walked in.

Gatekeeper: Next question: What fruit did Adam and Eve eat?

Nun 2: Ooh, that's an easy one. An apple,...

I just turned 25 and I’m going back to school for the first time in years. It’s so much harder than I remember.

They have cameras watching the playground now, and I’m legally supposed to be 50 feet away at all times.

My dad said he'd delete my computer games if I didn't finish mowing the lawn. I did the first half pretty quickly...

but now I'm losing Steam.

My first posted joke.

It's about 2 in the morning and the wife wakes up and notices her husband is not in bed next to her. She puts on her robe and goes down to the kitchen to find her husband sitting at the table with a cup of coffee, a single tear under one eye. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asks. He replies, "Do you reme...

My first post

*I’m not drunk, just road trippin*

What was Tom Cruises first marriage called?

The Manchild vs. Kidman


——

Please go easy, I know it’s not a very current topic but I just came up with the pun on this wonderful actresses name.

I let my daughter touch a fork for the first time.

Where she put it was shocking.

I was fired and kicked out of the hospital on the very first day as a nurse..............

Apparently the sign outside the ward "Stroke Patients Here" meant something completely different!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paulie: Do you remember your first blowjob? Silvio: Yeah, why?

Paulie: How long did it take for the guy to come?

Two men are sitting on a park bench

And a stray dog comes along and sits down next to them. Then the dog starts licking its balls.

The men watch for a moment and one says "Gosh, I wish I could do that."

The other says "Well, you'd better pet him a little first."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife “isn’t she beautiful?”

Other man: “If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife”
First man: “Why? Is she a stunner?”
Other man: “No, she’s an ophthalmologist”

Swedish recruit goes in to the Supply Sergeant for his first weapons issue:

*" Hallo, my name is Hans ... where are my arms? "*

[NSFW] What did the Roman say the first time he went to a brothel?

Vidi. Vici. Veni.

I was excited to judge my first cooking competition

The local university was holding an iron chef style cooking competition where three students prepared a meal centering around a theme ingredient. The theme of the competition was turkey dinner, and before I knew it the kitchen was abuzz with the sounds and the smells of cooking.

After an hour...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."



"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger would...

Being a freshman everyone always told me first year would go quickly...

but I didn’t realise it would ZOOM

(im sorry)

Peter and Stewie Griffin were sent to a peace negotiation. I was skeptical at first, but it was a full success

I guess a fat man and a little boy really were enough to end a war

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Losing my virginity was alot like my first football game.

I got bruised and beat up but atleast my dad came.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sally's first job

Little Sally is excited that a new house is going to be built on the vacant lot next-door.

Soon she gets to see the ground dug up, a foundation laid down, and the arrival of the carpenters. They're a little rough around the edges but after a short while, Sally is over there talking with the c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.

"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." I thought, "Fucking great."

"First day in here and I'm already married."

The first/ last joke my third grader got to tell before quarantine

I set up a joke minute for of my 3rd graders as a way of helping him create healthy boundaries to meet his needs (attention), and this is the first one he got to tell. As far as I know, he made it up himself:

You know when you're at a restaurant, and the waiter is taking forever and ever? W...

A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonn...

The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don't know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?

Three guys interviewing to be a detective.

The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that"

He calls them into his office one by one.

The first guy goes in and ...

The first rule of crossfit fight club...

Tell everyone about crossfit fight club.

In laughter the L comes first..

~~The rest of the letters come aughter it.~~


The rest of the letters come aughter.

Alexander Graham Bell is always given a huge amount of praise for inventing the first telephone

The credit should really go to whomever invented the SECOND telephone.

A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So what seems to be the problem?”

“The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid th...

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Three couples check into a hotel for their honeymoons.

The man at the front desk has a game he likes to play. When the first couple checked in, he asked the bride what her job was. She said she was a maid. The man thought to himself "Maids are hot. This guy's going to have a fun honeymoon."

When the next couple checked in, he asked the bride the...

A woman said to her husband "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?"

So he took her to dinner and a movie, and dropped her off at her parent's house.

Me and my girlfriend tried oral for the first time today

She sucked at it

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

First Dates are Like Vending Machines

You get excited to try it out, but there are only 3 outcomes:

1) You waste your money and get nothing out of it.

2) You spend money and get something you didn't want or need.

3) You get something you eventually try to pass off to someone else.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

The chicken. You can't fuck an egg.

First post please be nice

And English man a Chinese man and an Australian man were in a hot air balloon and it started to got down, the English man said quick we need to get rid of stuff we don't need so he throws out a tea pot and a mug, and says "we have to many of these in our country" the Chinese man throws out some ch...

Why did Jesus speak to women first when he was resurrected?

Because he wanted the news to spread as quickly as possible.

What's the first rule of tailoring club?

Britches get stitches.

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A bus full of Nuns falls off a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to ...

At first I did not like my quarantine hair...

...but then it grew on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a t...

Rolled my first joint last night.

God my ankle hurts this morning.

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'd like some H2O." The second says, "I'll have some H20, too.”

The bartender says, “You damn fool! Don't ingest disinfectants! You’re supposed to be scientists—act like it, for pity’s sake. And how’d you even find an open bar violating the stay-at-home order?”

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!!

That sentence was way too long...

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A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves up to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight...

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Jack and Coke.

The bartender reaches behind the bar and grabs a dark red apple, and hands it to the customer.

Dumbfounded, he says “Hey man, what the hell is this? I asked for a Jack and coke!”

The bartender said “Just go a head and take a bite.”

So the man took a bite and his eyes widened “W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had my first pre-ejaculation club meeting today

I came extra early. No one was surprised.

The first animal to be mechanically milked must have been pumped

I know its an old joke, and I'm milking it dry. I just think its dairy funny.

A military commander calls his soldiers and says: "the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!"

One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander.

"Oh well..." said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden... so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of".

...

Russia has identified the first Russian to be diagnosed with coronavirus.

Ivan Chestikoff.

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