In Laughter, the L comes first

The rest of the letters come aughter it.

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A young First Nations boy goes to his father to ask how he got his name.

The wise father tells his son that it is the custom of their people to name their children for what they see in nature immediately after birth.

The father says, “when your sister was born we saw a deer running through the forest and so we named her Running Deer. And when your brother was bo...

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At a costume party my girlfriend was dressed as an egg and me as a chicken

we had sex in the bathroom and I can tell chicken "came" first

Well today is my first cake day.

And that means my Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be.

A navy recruit has his first day on the submarine

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

The Perfect Man, the Perfect Woman, and Santa Claus

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. ...

A Native American Chief had three wives, all of whom were pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the th...

50000 blondes met in a center for the first ever "Blondes are not stupid" convention

Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eightee...

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

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Today was my first day as a pilot

I looked down nervously.

"What are all these buttons for?" I asked.

My co-pilot sighed.

"Those are to keep your shirt closed"

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

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NSFW: Two tampons pass each other in the street, which one said 'hi' first?

Neither, because they're both stuck up cunts.

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My local sperm bank doesn't take donations by appointment.

It's first cum first serve.

A blond and a brunette jumped off the roof of a 10-story building at the exact same time. Who hit the ground first?

The brunette.

The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

My calculus professor was late 16 minutes for his first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes for the third.

At this rate, he’ll never be in class on time.

Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.

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A young lady is set to be the first woman to orgasm on the peak of Mount Everest.

Reports say that she'll be coming round the mountain when she cums.

When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first?

A nun teaching religion was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven..... which part of your body goes first?

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."

"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" said the Nun.

Suzy ...

True story: My wife told me after our first kid

“I don’t think I’ll ever get down to my original weight.”

Me: “I’m glad you’re finally thinking straight, after all, 6 lbs 3 oz is just not realistic.”

She still doesn’t think it was funny years later.

"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he asked.

"Of course," she answered. “Why do men always ask the same question?"

A maths professor was struggling to teach his student the first 10 numbers of pi.

So he started singing a song which was meant to teach people about the numbers of pi. The students were intrigued by this mesmerizing little poem, and by the end they had learned the first 10 digits of pi.

Next, the teacher asked each one to write down the first 10 digits onto a sheet of pape...

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind her teams bench on the 50 yard line.

After the game he asked her how she liked it.

She replied "oh, I really like it especially all the tight pants and big muscles, but I just don't understand why they were fighting each other over 25 cents."

T...

The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is...

...you know what? Never mind. It's FINE.

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[NSFW] Whenever I have sex, it's a race to see who comes first

Me or the police.

My friend told me to visit the chiropractor and I was sceptical at first...

...but now I stand corrected.

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An army recruit steps into his base for the first time

He he’s greeted by his Commanding Officer.

“Hey welcome to the base rookie as you can see we have just about everything pools, restrooms, weight rooms and more”.

The rookie looks him in the the eye.

“ So you have just about everything to fulfill all my needs”.

“Yeah just ...

New 911 audio recordings of Chris Browns assault on Rihanna has been released to the public for the first time.

It’s called Chris Browns greatest hits.

Genie: What's your first wish?

Dave: I want to be rich.

Genie: Done, and your second wish?

Rich: I want lots of money.

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I remember the first time I saw my father's penis.

I said to him, "Dad, quit texting me this stuff."

A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer.

"Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

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First visit to America as German guy!

I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by.
She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!"

I shouted back "DANKE!"

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I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this ...

What was my prize for coming first in the National "Thinnest Arms" competition.

Atrophy.

Why are women and children evacuated first during disasters?

So the men can have some peace and quiet to think of a solution.

Asians made the first ever edible glue.

Rice

What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself on Blu Ray?

HDMI

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The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex? [...]"

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago..? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes" she says, "I remember it well."

"Ok", he says. "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can d...

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A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students...

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Little Johnny what his problem was so he replied, „I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade anf I'm smarter than her too.“ The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the s...

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole.…

That sentence was way too long.

This was a terrible day... first my ex got hit with by a bus

Then i lost my job as a bus driver...

A man told me about the 2 scariest things in the world. The first is when a spider appears in your home.

The second is when it disappears.

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

You put the punchline first.

How do you make a time travel joke?

In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do....

The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see.

The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign.

Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself"

The...

If at first you don’t succeed,

destroy all evidence that you tried.

Hillary Clinton could've been the first f president.

Sorry, I meant to write female but the emale got deleted.

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.

"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the ...

After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

I challenged my dad to a race to see who would die first.

Sadly he beat me to death.

Bark bark, I'm a dog

Meow meow, I'm a cat

Quack quack, I'm a duck

First first, I'm a YouTube commenter

The first rule of flight club is....

To take flying lessons..... Also learn to read carefully

I told my first 9/11 Joke in 1999

It was to soon.

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My first OC joke. (Long)

A man walks into an antique shop. He approaches the female cashier and
asks, “Is this your store?”

She nods her head, “My parents owned it for a few decades, I had since inherited it.”

The man then asks her, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”

The woman, barley amused, dec...

If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole

you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat die and go to heaven. God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies, "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master." God says, "This is good, you can sit here at my right hand."

Next, God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies, "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says, "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left."

Finally, God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies, "I believe you are in my seat."

My wife emailed me pictures of our first date, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I’ve always had trouble with emotional attachments.

My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won.

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A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked M...

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

There’s a contest on who can be the first to get a cow to smoke weed.

It’s pretty high steaks.

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My girlfriend has the same first name as my sister

It makes it really weird when I'm fucking her and I think of my girlfriend.

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This is the first joke I remember my dad telling me

One day an American man was walking in a small Mexican village while on vacation, he didn't have a watch so he asked an old man who was in a barn sitting on a short stool busy with his work shoeing a donkey, the old man then grabs and lifts the donkeys balls and said "1:15", the American thinks he's...

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Three black ladies were on a plane They were good friends and were really excited to travel together. However, this was the first time they had ever been on a plane so they were understandably quite nervous. They began discussing what precautions they had taken to relief their fears...

The first lady said, "I'm wearing bright green panties, that way, if we crash into the ocean, my butt would float and they'd see me first!"

The second lady retorted, "I'm wearing bright pink panties, that way, if we crash into the ground, they'd see me first!"

The two looked at the las...

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Three freshmen meet for the first time in a college dorm....

and introduce themselves, mostly trying to impress one another.

The first one says, "My family has been in America for more than 200 years. My father is C.E.O of the biggest bank in New York and he gave me a BMW to drive around the campus."

The second one says, "That's nice."

T...

So a boy was born, and he was just a head. But his parents took this difficulty in their stride and raised him as well as they could. On the boy's 18th birthday, his father takes him down the pub for his first pint.

He takes the first sip, and out pops his body. Surprised, he takes a second sip, and out pop his arms. The whole pub is cheering him on now. His father has tears of joy streaming down his face. So the boy takes his final sip, and out pop his legs. The boy is so happy that he immediately jumps up ...

I wish the first word I said was "quote"...

....so that just before I die I could say "unquote".

A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, “LOOL AREA!!”

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’."

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no ...

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Little Johnny went to his first rodeo with his mom and dad....

Dad went off to buy a beer and little Johnny happened to spy the bull's cock flopping around beneath his belly.

"Mommy, mommy! What's that long thing beneath the bull's belly?" Johnny asks, pointing.

Embarrassed, his mother looks away and mutters, "oh, don't worry about that, that's ...

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

When Microsoft was casting for names to its search engine, it wanted something short that can't be misspelled. Chief marketing strategist first thought "Bang" would be the answer.

It almost fit all the criteria, except when used as a verb.

Most people don't want to say "I Banged Obama's dog" or "I Banged Donald Trump last night".

An old grandma brings a bus driver a bag of peanuts every day. First the bus driver enjoyed the peanuts but after a week of eating them he asked: "Please granny, don't bring me peanuts anymore. Have them yourself.".

The granny answers: "You know, I don't have teeth anymore. I just prefer to suck the chocolate around them."

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Peters first date with Meg was going well...

As they sat in Peters car on a remote country road,Meg made an announcment,"I'm actually a prostitute,and if you want any action it will cost you 50.00."

"Well,"Peter shot back."I'm actually a cab driver,and if you want a ride back into the city it will cost you 100.00."

Why was Chewbacca so happy after his son's first baseball season?

He got Wookie of the year.

Christopher Columbus is like...

...the person who comments “First” on a post even though they are not the first.

Your Ex, her boyfriend and her lawyer all suddenly fall down from the balcony at the same time. Who will hit the floor first?

You don't care.

The Ship’s Brave Captain

In the vast ocean of the new colonies, a British ship patrols the outskirts of its territory.

Suddenly, the lookout yells from the top of the ship:
“Captain!Captain! Pirate vessel in sight!”

With a stern look on his face, the captain declares: “Go fetch me my red blouse!”

And...

TIL Zero and its operation were first defined by Hindu astronomer and mathematician Brahmagupta in 628

Thanks for nothing

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Captain Blackbeard and his first mate Kelly capture a ship searching for precious jewels...

The ship is carrying three groups: guides, soldiers, and miners. They are transferring the three groups over in three boats. During the transfer, the boat with the guides capsizes, followed by the soldiers, but the miners cross safely.
A bloom of jellyfish passes by and stings the men in the wat...

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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to...

TIL that the first escalators had people who were payed to ride them.

sounds like a job with a lot of ups and downs

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Can somebody please tell me how to calm someone down who's had too much to drink?

At first I asked him if he finished the bottle, and he only got more pissed

I asked him if another one would make him happy, and he just kept screaming.

I jingled his keys in front of him and told him he wasn't allowed to have them, and he practically ran out of oxygen from yelling....

Matthew McConaughey’s first initiative as owner of Austin Football Club will be to cut the Left Backs and Left Wingers. Their going to be “alright alright alright”

Got banned from r/soccer for this, they take their no jokes rule seriously. I’d been sitting on it other than that for a while.

I remember the first time I went to my girlfriends house and her dad didn’t let us sleep together.

Which is a shame because he’s very attractive

I tried to invent the first watch that was located on your belt buckle

It was a waist of time

Kerala was the first indian state where Hindus got converted to Christianity

Saint Thomas, who was one of the disciples of Jesus Christ visited Kerala in 52 AD.

How did St Thomas convert Keralites to Christianity ?

St Thomas said, "Jesus healed the sick ".
People didn't believe .

He said, "Jesus died for you".
People said "Oh pl...

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I watched my first porno film last week....

I looked so much younger then.

First woman on the moon:

“Houston, we have a problem.”
What?
“Never mind”
What’s the problem?
“Nothing”
Please tell us?
“You know what the problem is.”

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A junior journalist is given his first article

For this, she was asked to make the best-possible artivle abut a little town near the city where the newspaper is located.

She went to the town decided to make her best with this, and even create a great article, but no one is on the streets.

She kept walking on and on, and finally mee...

The first black NASCAR driver...

...did alot for the race

My friend asked me what I thought about my first day as a Hydrologist.

I told him I’m just testing the waters.

My First Wife hates it when I call her that...

I think it’s because we’re still married.

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The first time I had sex, it was in my parent's bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, "This is a bit awkward."

I grunted, "Just ignore them."

Why does Bono always say ‘I love you’ first?

Because it’s the only time he gets to hear someone say: I love U2

“Well, unfortunately, I’ve got good news and I've got bad news.” “Gimme the good news first, Doc.”

“They’re going to name a disease after you.”

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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Ra...

Bartender (my first one)

Why do all bartenders never have any trouble asking out a woman?

Because they know how to break the ice.

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Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

\[Twice removed\]

I read a book about Stockholm syndrome recently...

I didn't like it at first, but by the end I loved it

Credit: my Dad

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee.

Oh, I've tried other enemas…

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A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma...

A man walks into a bar, and the first thing he notices is how ridiculously short the guy on the piano is.

He goes up to the bartender and says "Hey, uh, so what's the deal with the piano guy?"

"Well, you see this shiny rock right here? If you put your hand on it, it's supposed to grant you a wish."

"Holy hell, are you serious? Let me try!"

"Oh no I wouldn't. It can be finicky, it...

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Going to school is like the first minute of sex

I don't wanna come

Two chemists walked into a bar. The first one ordered an H20. The second one said, "I'll have an H20, too."

The second chemist died.

Someone once asked me, "Do you want a graham cracker?" I said, "First off, please don't call me that..."

"... And second off, a gram of what?"

What’s the first thing you feel when you shoot a civilian?

The recoil of your rifle

I bought a candle and at first I was confused because it didn’t smell like anything...

but eventually it made scents.

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

First guy, proudly: "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy: "Lucky you, mine's still alive!"

What's the first question they ask people in hell who died by hanging themselves?

Business or pleasure?

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Guys first blow job ....

Guy goes into a bar and orders 4 taqueria shots and starts knocking them back.
Barman asks what’s up and the guy tells him he just had his first blowjob.

‘Congrats’ says the barman, ‘have another on me’.

‘No thanks’ says the guy, ‘if 4 shots won’t take the taste away another isn’t...

My wife had just given birth to our first.

As I held my daughter in my arms for the first time, pride welled up inside me but there was something else as well that I couldn't place. After a time she looked up at me and started to cry. Confused, I looked to my wife.

She smiled knowingly saying, "I think she's hungry."

It was in ...

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