In Laughter, the L comes first

The rest of the letters come aughter it.

The Perfect Man, the Perfect Woman, and Santa Claus

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. ...

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At a costume party my girlfriend was dressed as an egg and me as a chicken

we had sex in the bathroom and I can tell chicken "came" first

Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.

My calculus professor was late 16 minutes for his first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes for the third.

At this rate, he’ll never be in class on time.

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A white girl, an Asian girl and a black girl are on a plane...

At a certain point an engine fails and the plane crashes into the ocean.
As the plane is sinking the white girl quickly grabs her bag and starts putting on makeup and says: "When the rescue gets here they will obviously look for the prettiest women first".
The Asian girl quickly grabs all he...

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The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex? [...]"

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago..? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes" she says, "I remember it well."

"Ok", he says. "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can d...

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

A blond and a brunette jumped off the roof of a 10-story building at the exact same time. Who hit the ground first?

The brunette.

The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

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A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students...

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Little Johnny what his problem was so he replied, „I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade anf I'm smarter than her too.“ The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the s...

What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself on Blu Ray?

HDMI

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I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this ...

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My local sperm bank doesn't take donations by appointment.

It's first cum first serve.

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole.…

That sentence was way too long.

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First visit to America as German guy!

I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by.
She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!"

I shouted back "DANKE!"

"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he asked.

"Of course," she answered. “Why do men always ask the same question?"

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I remember the first time I saw my father's penis.

I said to him, "Dad, quit texting me this stuff."

True story: My wife told me after our first kid

“I don’t think I’ll ever get down to my original weight.”

Me: “I’m glad you’re finally thinking straight, after all, 6 lbs 3 oz is just not realistic.”

She still doesn’t think it was funny years later.

I challenged my dad to a race to see who would die first.

Sadly he beat me to death.

In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do....

The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see.

The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign.

Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself"

The...

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat die and go to heaven. God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies, "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master." God says, "This is good, you can sit here at my right hand."

Next, God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies, "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says, "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left."

Finally, God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies, "I believe you are in my seat."

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.

"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the ...

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My girlfriend has the same first name as my sister

It makes it really weird when I'm fucking her and I think of my girlfriend.

A man walked into a resort and the first sign he saw said “Lool Area”

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’."

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no ...

Bark bark, I'm a dog

Meow meow, I'm a cat

Quack quack, I'm a duck

First first, I'm a YouTube commenter

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole

you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation

My friend Ty came in first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t given the gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to recognize Ty won.

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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to...

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[NSFW] Whenever I have sex, it's a race to see who comes first

Me or the police.

First Woman on the Moon:

"Houston, we have a problem"

What?

"Never mind"

What's the problem?

"Nothing"

Please tell us

"I'm fine"

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

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I watched my first porno film last week....

I looked so much younger then.

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The first thing I look for in a woman is intelligence,

because if she doesn't have that, there's a good chance I'll be able to fuck her.

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Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

\[Twice removed\]

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An east coast accountant decides to go hunting for the first time out west.

He hires a guide and the next day they get up bright and early and begin their adventure.The "green" Hunter suddenly has to take a shit and says to his guide"Man,I really have to use the restroom.Where is it?"

"Are you serious?Were in the middle of Wyoming and your asking where the restroom i...

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During a recent archaeological dig, researchers believe they have found the worlds first tampon...

...but they don't know from what period.

A man wearing a trench coat, with nothing on underneath, walks up to 3 nuns sitting on a park bench. The first 2 nuns were so appalled they gasped and fainted.

The 3rd nun had a stroke.

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Guys first blow job ....

Guy goes into a bar and orders 4 taqueria shots and starts knocking them back.
Barman asks what’s up and the guy tells him he just had his first blowjob.

‘Congrats’ says the barman, ‘have another on me’.

‘No thanks’ says the guy, ‘if 4 shots won’t take the taste away another isn’t...

“Well, unfortunately, I’ve got good news and I've got bad news.” “Gimme the good news first, Doc.”

“They’re going to name a disease after you.”

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

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A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger.

A few minutes had passed and the whole
trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.
...

Last night I visited a fetishist community website for the first time

Why are there so many dudes called Dom?

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I just heard that two of my friends got hurt while trying anal sex for the first time.

I guess it really rectum.

I had my first interview for a cheese company

I think it went grate

I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted and funny.

The fifth was dead Sirius.

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On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

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A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Ra...

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Irishman got a job at the zoo, first week there, someone asked him "would you fuck the gorilla for £2,000?"

Irishman said "on three conditions, I don't wanna kiss it, I don't want any of my friends or relatives to find out, and give me a couple of months to get the money together".

Which part of the body goes to heaven first?

A nun teaching religion was speaking to her class one morning when she asked the question.

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think its your hands."

"Why do you think its your hands, Suzy?" said the Nun.

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front ...

What feels fragile at first but starts to feel more durable the longer you have it?

Your phone

I found my first grey pubic hair today.

Normally things like this don’t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.

Im 45 years old and I just bought my very first sports car. My girlfriend thinks I’m going through a midlife crisis.

But what would she know? She’s only 18.

A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time.

The price is 25 cents per condom, so he buys 4. When he checks out, the pharmacist says, "That will be $1.08."

In confusion the guy says, "Wait, they're 25 cents each so it should be a dollar, so why the additional 8 cents?"

The pharmacist says, "Well, it’s a dollar for the condom...

So a man and his friend walk into a bar. The first man asks the bartender, “I’ll have some H20”. The second man then says, “I’ll have some H20 too”

The second man died

Christopher Columbus is like...

...the person who comments “First” on a post even though they are not the first.

I first heard this one different (read racist) but I think I fixed it

A family of a well known rapper are sitting at the table. Mom, dad and a small child in a high chair.
Suddenly, the child focuses a lot and with effort says: "Mother."

"Look!" exclaims the rapper. "He can say half a word!"

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At the end of our first date, I sheepishly asked, "So, how do you feel about sex?" Giggling and blushing, she whispered, "I like it infrequently."

Puzzled, I asked, "I see. Is that one word or two?"

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Loosing my virginity was a lot like my first soccer game...

very mediocre, but at least my mom *came*.

*edit: \*Losing*

What a lousy year. First my grandma died,

And then for the first time in forty years I didn't get a valentine's card from my secret admirer.

What's the first thing you do if your browser becomes haunted?

Clear all spookies

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Can somebody please tell me how to calm someone down who's had too much to drink?

At first I asked him if he finished the bottle, and he only got more pissed

I asked him if another one would make him happy, and he just kept screaming.

I jingled his keys in front of him and told him he wasn't allowed to have them, and he practically ran out of oxygen from yelling....

Did you know that the first French fries weren’t fried in France?

They were fried in grease.

The first time I took a girl back to my apartment, she sighed and asked, “You don’t have much experience taking off bras, do you?”

I said, “What gave me away?”

She said, “The scissors, mostly.”

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

The Ship’s Brave Captain

In the vast ocean of the new colonies, a British ship patrols the outskirts of its territory.

Suddenly, the lookout yells from the top of the ship:
“Captain!Captain! Pirate vessel in sight!”

With a stern look on his face, the captain declares: “Go fetch me my red blouse!”

And...

A young artist exhibits his work for the first time..

.. and a well known art critic is in attendance.

The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

"Yes, sure. I would love to here it. " says the artist.

"It's worthless," says the critic

The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."

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[NSFW] A woman's first time at a sex toy store

Woman: Hello, where are the women's toys?
Cashier: Over on that wall.
W: Ok, can I get the red one?
C: You can't have the fire extinguisher.

50,000 blondes met in a center for the first ever "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention

Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eightee...

Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?

So we can think about a solution in silence.

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When the prison guards decided to install computers in the local prison, what was the first procedure taken?

Removing the ‘escape’ button.

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in he...

Thank you to my first grade teacher for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

What do you call the first level of a coffee factory?

The ground floor.

At first the doctor didn't recognize the farm boy that had been in the threshing accident...

...but then he re-membered him.

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Shirley is driving to office for the first time when

her husband calls her on phone "Honey!! Please be very careful. It's being telecasted on the news that a maniac is driving recklessly on route 256 in the wrong direction".

Shirley goes : " One maniac? There's hundreds of these bastards".

You put the punchline first.

How do you make a time travel joke?

Whenever I hear about a mass shooting, the first thing I say is

Betty White

On the first day of Juvenal court, the judge was sitting down to start reviewing the day's cases.

"Bring out the first defendant," He said to the new bailiff. He left, and came back a moment later with young boy who was accused of shoplifting. He was covered in black soot, wore tattered overalls, and over-sized work boots and gloves.

The judged asked the boy why he came to court ...

Medical advances these days are absolutely crazy. They've found ways to activate taste buds in people who were born without the sense. Surprisingly most people don't like it at first.

Its an acquired taste.

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The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.”

I grunted, “Just ignore them.”

Two men discussing on their first day of joining the army:

"I am not married, and I like war.. So I joined the army. What about you?"


"I am married, and I like peace."

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A hunter takes his wife deer hunting for the first time.

As they get to the deer stand the hunter tells his wife to get in the stand and sit very still and if a deer comes out, shoot it.

The hunter leaves his wife in the stand and starts walking to his stand. After walking for about five minutes he hears the loud boom of a rifle echoing through the...

What’s the first thing Micheal Jackson does when playing Minecraft?

He changes his skin.

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An actor gets his first big break...

"Hark, for yonder art thou cannon," the actor states. The part only had the one line.

The director looks excited. "Perfect!" he yells. "You have the job."

"Awesome, when do-" the actor starts before being interrupted by 2 large security guards. They pick him up by the arms and legs and...

The first time I asked a woman to make love to me my hands were sweating and shaking uncontrollably..

Ive never pointed a gun at anyone before.

2 men are out on a golf course and the first man is about to tee off.

He lines up his shot, starts his backswing, but just before he he swings a funeral procession drives by on the road beside them. He immediately stops and kneels, and closes his eyes in a display of solemn respect until the procession goes by. Then he gets up and starts to tee off again. But the othe...

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I still remember the first time I made love to my girlfriend.

I said, "I would like to take a photo of your breasts and frame it ."

She said, "I would like to take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."

For the first time ever I scored the maximum on a test and I couldn't be happier.

The policeman with the breathalyzer seemed upset though.

I read a book about Stockholm syndrome recently...

I didn't like it at first, but by the end I loved it

Credit: my Dad

A young mosquito tries flying for the first time

When the mosquito came back, the mother asks,
"how was your first flight dear?"

The young mosquito replied, "great mom! Everyone was clapping for me!"

What did the biologist wear on his first date?

Designer genes!

Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.

It was a roaring success.

(My first joke)A cat kept taking a pee on the steps to my porch. So i call my father-in-law and ask him how to get rid of it,

He says "dig a 2 foot deep hole, fill it half way with ash. Get a can of pees and put some around the freshly dug hole. When the cat comes to take a pee, kick it in the ash-hole"

Go easy on me i loled when i was told this a few years back.

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What two words can piss off nearly any woman the first time you meet them?

How much?

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On a first date with Medusa I was staring at her boobs she told me, "Hey pal my eyes are up here."

I was already rock hard though.

A Sunday School teacher is teaching kids about Heaven and asked the class their thoughts on which part of them would get to Heaven first.

Little Suzy says it's her heart, because she's so caring and loving. Angie says it's her brain, because she's smart and uses it to help people.

Tommy looks around and say "No, no, no. It's not your brain or heart. I know the answer to this one. It's your feet."

"Why your feet?" asked t...

“A fool does last what a wise man does first.” -unknown

Looks like my chances of getting laid improve dramatically the older I get. Sweet!

Hey babe, can I be your first derivative?

Because I want to lie tangent to your curves...

Why did the Captain ask his first mate to come look at a new boat with him?

Because it never hurts to have an extra aye.

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I'm a firm believer of traditional wisdom. So I use the world's first and most effective contraceptive there is,

Being really fucking ugly.

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Missy Elliot just dropped her first album in 13 years!

Do you think she still followed the 5 second rule?

Quick question: When was the first Burning Man festival?

Germany, 1938

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Peters first date with Stacey was going well.

As they sat in Peters car on a remote country road,Stacey made an announcement

"I'm actually a prostitute,and if you want any action it will cost you $50.00."

"Well," Peter shot back.

"I'm actually a cab driver,and if you want a ride back to your house it will cost you $100.00."

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game...

After the game, he asked her if she liked it. She replied, "it was fun but I don't see why they made such a big fuss over 25 cents."

The guy asked, "What do you mean?"

And she said, "Well, at the beginning of the game, they flipped a coin and someone took it, and for the rest of the ga...

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The first time i had sex with a miner i couldn't believe how messy it was.

The sheets were covered in coal dust and his boots stained the carpet.

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

At first I thought I could handle being a police detective with schizophrenia

But now I'm starting to question myself.

What is green at first and than turns red?

A frog in a blender.

Who was the first black guy to admit he is the father?

Darth Vader

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An old man goes to the doctor for the first time in years.

He is very hard of hearing so he brings his wife along to help. The doctor gives him the once over, and says "I'd like to do a full workup. I'll need a blood sample, a urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample."

The old guy turns to his wife, "What'd he say?"

She replies, "HE SA...

A vegan, an atheist, and a person who hates Fortnite walk into a bar

Who's telling you first?

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A man is about to have sex for the first time

He goes to the local drugstore to buy condoms, but seeing as he has never bought them before he's a little confused on which size he will need.


Slightly embarrassed he explains his situation to the clerk. The clerk tells him that the situation is fairly common, and walks him to the bac...

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Liberal party leader Justin Trudeau attended the Assembly of First Nations annual summer meeting in Whitehorse.

Trudeau said he wasn't there to speak to the chiefs but to listen.


Then he spoke for almost two hours on his success in bringing the Liberal Party back into the hearts of the Canadian people and how he was going to legalize marijuana and the many ways that he was going to help the Firs...

Ordered a bucket of wings and an omelette today. Wanted to see which came first.

The chicken or the egg

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I won my first cage fight last night...

Knocked that parrot the fuck out!

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