My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."

I know he means well.

A king has 3 cups in front of him. The first 2 cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name?

King Philip III

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship



I'm sorry

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A train hits a bus full of Catholic highschool girls

They all arrive at the pearly gates, waiting in line to enter heaven.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your f...

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins....

....I was about to run straight home to tell the wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden in the first place.

Went to see The Joker last night and some guy dressed in a full clown outfit held the door open for me into the theater

I thought it was a nice jester

While I was shopping, I saw an ad in a window. It said, “Television for $1, volume stuck on full.”

There’s no way I can turn that down.

My wife just asked, "What was Jesus' full name?"



So I dropped a bowling ball on her foot.

You're riding a horse full speed, and there's a giraffe on your left and a lion chasing you from behind, so what do you do?

Get off the carousel!

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Three men arrive at the gates of heaven but St Peter says that heaven is kinda full and, for whatever reason, they’re only letting in the people that have died in the most traumatic way...

So the first man steps forward and says “That’s me! I was convinced my wife was cheating and left work early to catch her in the act. I burst into the bedroom and find her in bed, the sheets are a mess, the smell of sex is in the air, but she swears she was just sleeping, I search the apartment high...

Disney finally released Yoda's last name. His full name is:

Yoda Lay-Heehoo

What's long, hard and full of seamen?

A submarine.

How much does a ship full of bread weigh?

A crew-ton

Last night I played a blank cassette tape at full blast.

The mime next door went nuts.

A bus full of ugly people had a head-on collision with a truck.

When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This went on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysteri...

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A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

A guy walks in a bar with a full-loaded six shooter

He says:"who slept with my wife"
It's silent
Than somebody in the back says
"You don't have enough bullets"

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What’s 12 inches long, rock hard, full of semen and makes all the girls scream?

The crusty sock under my bed!

If I get a full score on my firearm safety test

I'll school up the shooting range

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Whats the difference between this joke and a box full of shit?

The box.

A judge walks into a bar, and orders a glass full of ice. The bartender asks if he wants anything else.

He responds "No, Just ice"

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(NSFW) A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to t...

My wife is on this tropical fruit diet. Our kitchen is full of this crazy food.

It’s enough to make a mango crazy.

The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty.

The busser sees the entire table.

What do you call someone who turns into a building at the sight of the full moon?

A Werehouse

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Oka...

The IT department at my work is full of clowns.

Bloody dancing clowns.

Here's a joke about a missing locomotive full of concepts and ideas.

Dang, I just lost my train of thought.

A group of terrorist just hijacked a building full of congressmen...

...They laid their intent and threatened everyone should they not follow that they would release one congressman every hour

I keep having this dream about a horse in full battle armour....

Actually it's probably more of a Knight Mare

An atheist in hell

An Athiest in hell



An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and th...

That awkward moment when at the end she wanted a handshake, but you went on for a full french kiss

That job interview wasn’t really going anywhere, anyway.

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What's the Difference Between a Truckload of Bowling Balls and a Truck Full of Woodchucks?

You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitch-fork

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

Why is Santa's sack so full?

He only comes once a year.

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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.


The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.


Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."


Nevertheless, ...

It doesn't matter whether your cup's half-full or half-empty

You're still wearing the wrong bra

50% of Canada is full of

The letter A

How do you sink a submarine full of blonds?

Knock on the hatch.

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a bus full of nuns

A few years ago there was a bus full of nuns, sadly, the bus’ brakes went out, and they full off a cliff. there were no survivors.

at the gates of heaven, st. peter is there, with a vat of holy water.

“alright sisters, please make a line” says st. peter, “ah sister marget, welcome to ...

I'm optimistically single.

My bed is half full.

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Damn You Autocorrect

A year ago, drunk and lonely, I stumbled upon Reddit by mistake when I was looking for RedTube. A year later the difference is obvious; one is a site full of naked people with no self respect, moaning and saying or doing all sorts of degrading things just to get some attention. The other appears to ...

A doctor walks into a bank full of anivaxxers

The doctor walks in with a syringe in hand and says:
"Gimme all the money and nobody gets shot!"

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A guy walks into a bar, and sees a jar full of money sitting on the table.

Puzzled, he looks at the bartender before ordering a drink.

“Shit, is this the tip jar for today?”

The bartender, cleaning a glass, shakes his head before looking up at the man.

“No, that’s our prize money.”

“Prize money?” The man asked. “What competition did this bar com...

A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board

Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself. "Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you all, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in." The first person steps up and thinks for a momen...

What do you call a student who sneezes in a class full of unvaccinated children?

A terrorist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a carousel full of Nazis?

A Jerry-Go-Round.

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Two friends are sitting out, under a full moon

One turns into a wolf, and the other one says "Holy shit, you're a wolf!"

And he replies "Yes, I am a were."

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Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape...

Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape. He thinks and then screams out, "HEY KID!!! WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT DUCT TAPE?!!!".

Johnny responds back, "I'm going to go catch some ducks"

The man, puzzled says, "You c...

A tour bus full of seniors drives down a highway…

A tour bus full of seniors drives down a highway, when a little old lady taps the driver on the shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats the g...

An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college...

The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise.

A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion co...

What do you call a house full of sane people?

An inn sane asylum

\*an oxymoronic joke.

A cop pulled a truck driver over who was driving around with a truck full of penguins

"You can't keep these penguins in your truck!" The cop said "You need to take them to the zoo!"
The truck driver promised to take the penguins to the zoo immediately and drove of.
The next day the cop pulled the same truck driver over. The truck was still full of penguins.
"Didn't I tell yo...

[NSFW] What’s big, black, and full of seamen?

A submarine

(Works better in person)

Why won't the Republicans impeach Trump?

Because they insist on carrying a baby to full term

I bought a warehouse full of soup stock

Now I'm a bouillonaire

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Master Po, why is kung fu so hard?

Grasshopper, have you seen the peace of the sunrise through the morning mists?

\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper, have you seen the patience of the crane as it stands still in the pond until a fish swims by?

\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper,...

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A man steps into a brothel (nsfw)

He approaches the head mistress and says what can I get for $5? The head mistress takes him to a room with a morbidly obese woman. He doesn't enjoy it but it got the job done.

Next week he goes back and tells the mistress he only has $4 this time so she takes him to a room with a chicken in...

I farted in a room full of hipsters.

They spent two hours arguing who heard it first.

A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Georgia as he started to leave a lake well known for it’s fish.

The game warden asked the man, “May I see your fishing license please?”

“Naw, sir,” replied the redneck. “I don’t need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish!?!?”

“Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o’mine down to the lake and let ’em swim ’roun...

What a weird day! First I found a hat full of money.

Then I was followed around by some guy with a guitar.

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So a kid is sitting in the park, eating a bag full of candy..

An old man walks by, and tells the kid “you shouldn’t eat so much candy. You’ll get fat, and unhealthy, and die at a young age.” The boy responded “My grandfather lived to be 111 years old!”
The old man gasped, and asked “wow, did he eat a lot of candy bars?!”
And the kid goes “no, he minded...

I hate my neighbors. They listen to All Star by Smash Mouth at full blast 24/7

whether they like it or not.

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What would a funny biology teacher say to a class full of homosexuals?

You're algae and I'm a fungi.

What starts with a T, ends with a T, and is full of T?

.
A Teapot.

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.
The groom approaches the him ...

After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens.

For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on...

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Our street is full of cat shit.

Litter alley.

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A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

An arrogant, wealthy man passed away one day

In his will, he entrusted $50,000 in cash to each of his closest advisers: his accountant, his doctor, and his lawyer. In his will, he instructed that each of them was to put all of the money into an envelope and place it into his coffin at his funeral, so he could have his money even after death....

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Condoms don't really guarantee full protection during sex.

A friend of mine was wearing one and got shot by the girl's boyfriend.

I can't stand matryoshka dolls. ....

....

They're so full of themselves.

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A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson.

He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say: "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and ...

Today a large truck full of hair restoring tonic, overturned and flooded the street.

Police are combing the area.

Last night at the restaurant, it was all full, I started talking out loud on the phone...

"Come now! He's here with another woman!", 6 tables were freed!

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

Got my homework back and it's full of big green ticks.

Anyone know what bug spray will get rid of them?

I hate Russian dolls

They’re so full of themselves

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Her best feature [nsfw]

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

Why is 16 always full?

Because it 8 and 8.

A coach full of jazz musicians has broken down on the motorway, blocking all lanes.

Police say to expect some long jams.

Out of respect, there will be no jokes about a bag full of Jesus allowed here...

They're sack religous

If reddit wasn’t full of so many reposts

It would just be called ‘ditt’

This is probably a repost.

They say 30% of Australians are casual racists

The other 70% are full time

Michael and Jerry are two third graders in the same school. One day, Michael told Jerry: “I just learned a neat trick that made me twenty bucks yesterday.”

“Really? What’s the trick?” Asked Jerry.

“It’s easy.” Michael said “Just go up to an adult and whisper in their ears: ‘I know everything about that dirty little secret of yours, now give me ten bucks, or else’ ; I’ve tried it on my parents last night and it totally worked!”

Excited, Je...

My neighbors got pretty aggressive when I played 'Zombie' at full volume last night.

I thought silence causes violence.

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Green, pink and purple polka-dot ping pong balls

So, a few years ago, I met the owner of a multimillion dollar company, and he decided to tell me a very strange story.

The man told me that he had a son, for whom he cared about deeply, so much so that for his 15th birthday, he offered him anything he wanted in the world.

In response, ...

A navy recruit has his first day on the submarine

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

Barbershop

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around the shop full of customers
and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in
the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a
ha...

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What do you call nuts on the wall? -Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest? - Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin?... ? ? .. nothing because you’ve got a mouth full of dick.

Lool my uncle told me this yesterday it is an absolute cracker ;)

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What has beautiful breasts, a full ass, and loves blowjobs?

I don’t know, but it’s not my wife

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What does a virgin girl say when she enters a room full of men bidding to buy her virginity?

Hymen.

A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster.

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A DEA agent stopped at a ranch and told the rancher: "I need to inspect your ranch for illegal drugs."

The rancher, pointing over to the west, said: "Okay, just don't go in that field over there."

The DEA agent exploded, exclaiming: "Listen here, you bucktoothed hick! I have the FULL AUTHORITY of the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT!"

"That may as well be," said the rancher, "But you'd bet...

Donating sperm is more lucrative than donating blood...

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the ...

A man is driving a van full of penguins and is pulled over by a cop...

“Sir,” says the policeman. “Are you aware that there are penguins in your van?”

“Yep,” says the man. “They’re my penguins. They belong to me.”

The policeman looks at the man in disbelief and then back at the penguins, who noot at him.

“Sir, I’m afraid this is unacceptable. I nee...

The level of humor when telling dark jokes is like a boat full of refugees on it's way to Italy

It sinks.

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Bob goes to the zoo

One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo. When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him. When he scratched his head, so did the ape.

Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun. So he started to scratch under his arms and jump aro...

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Before graduating to full priests, the candidates had to undergo

The cardinal test.

To make sure that they would stick to the oath of celibacy, the graduating would be priests were all taken to a room and made to stand in a straight line and covered their eyes.

The bishop tied a little Bell on their penises and then brought in a naked beautiful woma...

I work as a full-time raft guide.

My job is to make you wet, make you scream, and make breakfast for you in the morning.

What did Zeus say to Athena when she cracked out of his head in full armor?

Girl, you are really getting on Minerva.

It’s funny how random songs just pop into your head sometimes. For example I saw the same full size white van driving around the neighborhood a couple times today and I automatically started singing

“It’s Mr. Steal Your Girl.”

People are complaining about this being the hottest summer in the last 150 years.

I'm more of a glass half full kind of guy,

I'm thinking of it as the coldest summer in the next 150 years!

What is the difference between a woman in a church and a woman in her bath?

The woman in a church has her soul full of hope whereas the woman in her bath has her hole full of soap.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home ...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really ...

So a guy stops at a stop sign and he sees a car full of penguins next to him.

He asks 'What's up with all the penguins?'

The other guy answers, 'I don't know. I stopped at a light and then all these penguins jumped in my car. I don't know what to do with them.'

'Maybe you should take them to the zoo.'

The other guy says 'That's a great idea!' and drives o...

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My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.

She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.

She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks an...

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Another moral story: You’re Full Of Shit

One day there was a fly that was flying around in a barn when he noticed a huge fresh pile of shit sitting on the barn floor. Fly lands and starts eating.

He eats some more, and then he ate even more. Even when he knew he was finished he still ate more.

Once he was actually done he tr...

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