Was walking down the street yesterday, seen an ad in the shop window. "T.V FOR SALE, €1, VOLUME STUCK ON FULL"

I said, can't turn that down.

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A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

My dad said the other day when I was feeling down, “Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

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A guy walks into a bar, and sees a jar full of money sitting on the table.

Puzzled, he looks at the bartender before ordering a drink.

“Shit, is this the tip jar for today?”

The bartender, cleaning a glass, shakes his head before looking up at the man.

“No, that’s our prize money.”

“Prize money?” The man asked. “What competition did this bar com...

A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board

Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself. "Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you all, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in." The first person steps up and thinks for a momen...

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.

I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

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I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administra...

What starts with a T, ends with a T, and is full of T?

.
A Teapot.

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What would a funny biology teacher say to a class full of homosexuals?

You're algae and I'm a fungi.

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What's long, black, hard, and full of semen.

A submarine

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You're riding a horse full speed, a giraffe keeps pace beside you. A lion is chasing you. What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the merry go round!

I bought a warehouse full of soup stock

Now I'm a bouillonaire

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Georgia as he started to leave a lake well known for it’s fish.

The game warden asked the man, “May I see your fishing license please?”

“Naw, sir,” replied the redneck. “I don’t need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish!?!?”

“Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o’mine down to the lake and let ’em swim ’roun...

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Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape...

Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape. He thinks and then screams out, "HEY KID!!! WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT DUCT TAPE?!!!".

Johnny responds back, "I'm going to go catch some ducks"

The man, puzzled says, "You c...

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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.


The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.


Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."


Nevertheless, ...

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Oka...

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What do you call an old Honda full of dildos?

A prelude of things to cum

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Out street is full of dog shit.

Litter alley.

I hate my neighbors. They listen to All Star by Smash Mouth at full blast 24/7

whether they like it or not.

I farted in a room full of hipsters.

They spent two hours arguing who heard it first.

Today a large truck full of hair restoring tonic, overturned and flooded the street.

Police are combing the area.

Got my homework back and it's full of big green ticks.

Anyone know what bug spray will get rid of them?

What a weird day! First I found a hat full of money.

Then I was followed around by some guy with a guitar.

Out of respect, there will be no jokes about a bag full of Jesus allowed here...

They're sack religous

If reddit wasn’t full of so many reposts

It would just be called ‘ditt’

This is probably a repost.

A coach full of jazz musicians has broken down on the motorway, blocking all lanes.

Police say to expect some long jams.

Last night at the restaurant, it was all full, I started talking out loud on the phone...

"Come now! He's here with another woman!", 6 tables were freed!

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Condoms don't really guarantee full protection during sex.

A friend of mine was wearing one and got shot by the girl's boyfriend.

My neighbors got pretty aggressive when I played 'Zombie' at full volume last night.

I thought silence causes violence.

I work as a full-time raft guide.

My job is to make you wet, make you scream, and make breakfast for you in the morning.

Why is 16 always full?

Because it 8 and 8.

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Liberal party leader Justin Trudeau attended the Assembly of First Nations annual summer meeting in Whitehorse.

Trudeau said he wasn't there to speak to the chiefs but to listen.


Then he spoke for almost two hours on his success in bringing the Liberal Party back into the hearts of the Canadian people and how he was going to legalize marijuana and the many ways that he was going to help the Firs...

It’s funny how random songs just pop into your head sometimes. For example I saw the same full size white van driving around the neighborhood a couple times today and I automatically started singing

“It’s Mr. Steal Your Girl.”

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What does a virgin girl say when she enters a room full of men bidding to buy her virginity?

Hymen.

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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question."

Please form a single-file line. And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sis...

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What do you call nuts on the wall? -Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest? - Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin?... ? ? .. nothing because you’ve got a mouth full of dick.

Lool my uncle told me this yesterday it is an absolute cracker ;)

A lorry full of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster.

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Another moral story: You’re Full Of Shit

One day there was a fly that was flying around in a barn when he noticed a huge fresh pile of shit sitting on the barn floor. Fly lands and starts eating.

He eats some more, and then he ate even more. Even when he knew he was finished he still ate more.

Once he was actually done he tr...

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What has beautiful breasts, a full ass, and loves blowjobs?

I don’t know, but it’s not my wife

So a guy stops at a stop sign and he sees a car full of penguins next to him.

He asks 'What's up with all the penguins?'

The other guy answers, 'I don't know. I stopped at a light and then all these penguins jumped in my car. I don't know what to do with them.'

'Maybe you should take them to the zoo.'

The other guy says 'That's a great idea!' and drives o...

The level of humor when telling dark jokes is like a boat full of refugees on it's way to Italy

It sinks.

Why was the computer so full?

Because he already had a megabyte!

What do you call a city full of overweight people?

Obe-city

What’s green, full of holes, and if it falls on you it can kill you?

A golf course

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A business is like a tree full of monkeys

A business is like a tree full of monkeys. Some are going up, some are going down. All on different levels and branches.

When the monkeys on top look down, they see a bunch of smiling faces.

When the monkeys below look up, they see a bunch of assholes.

Before I die, I’m going to swallow a full bag of popcorn kernels

My cremation is going to be epic!

What did Zeus say to Athena when she cracked out of his head in full armor?

Girl, you are really getting on Minerva.

What is the one thing that professional poker players & plumbers can agree on?

A royal flush is better than a full house.

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My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.

She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.

She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks an...

What do you get when you have a room full of happy people toasting shot glasses to stoned ghosts?

High Spirits

Imagine you're in a room full of crickets

*cricket noises*

President Trump has refused to release the full report proving claims that Iran is developing a fighting force of flying dinosaurs. He’s released a version of the report but

It’s been pterodacted

Guy walks into a bar. He asks for a pint of warm, sloppily filled beer that isn't even a full glass.

The barman replies. I can't serve that sir sorry.

The guy says back. You could last week.

How do you sink a submarine full of blondes

You knock on the door.

What did the monster say when he saw a full train during rush hour?

"Oh good! A chew, chew train!"

Credit to the attendant at Balaclava Train Station in Melbourne.

"Have a train-tastic Thursday night!"

What do you call a Hobbit who is too full of himself?

Bilbo Braggins.

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A man walks into a bank with a briefcase full of cash...

he wants to open an account and deposit it. he is sent to the bank managers office. he sits down and the bank manager says you have $20,000 cash and have never had an account here before and want to open a new account and deposit all this cash, I have to ask where the money came from. the man res...

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A bus full of lunatics broke down.

The driver is walking around the bus checking everything but does not figure out what's wrong. One of the passengers comes to him and says "I know what's broken, I know what's broken!" but the driver ignores him and tells him to go back inside. Local mechanic arrives and checks everything there is t...

The other night a played a blank CD on full blast.

The mime next door went nuts.

What’s a full contact sport between sommeliers?

Riesling

I was on a plane, sat next to a man, who had a large rucksack full of rotting animal meat.

He said it was his carrion luggage

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Before graduating to full priests, the candidates had to undergo

The cardinal test.

To make sure that they would stick to the oath of celibacy, the graduating would be priests were all taken to a room and made to stand in a straight line and covered their eyes.

The bishop tied a little Bell on their penises and then brought in a naked beautiful woma...

I purchased this closed box full of bees, it has a warning sign which says

Be Safe

Since I started building dikes and levees for a living everyone is full of advice...

I tell them, "*Water* you talking about?

What do you call an ocean full of tacos?

Flotilla

What's the difference between the jokes on r/jokes and a class full of antivax kids?

You won't see the kids again next year.

A man dies, goes to heaven, and sees a wall full of clocks.

The man asks God what all the clocks are for, and God explains, "these are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move."

Pointing to one, the man says, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's George Washington's", God answers. "The hands have ne...

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TIFU- I watched porn at full volume on the work PC. Masturbated thrice and spoke to 3 female colleagues while doing the deed.

Thank god I work from home.

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An old lady with a flimsy crutch slowly gets on a full bus but the arrogant, impolite young man next to her does not give his seat.

After the slow embarking scene is complete, finally the doors close and the already impatient driver nervously floors the gas pedal and the bus suddenly accelerates causing the old lady to trip. The young ill-mannered man tilts his sunglasses aside and with an insulting tone addresses the old lady: ...

A bus full of cheerleaders went off a cliff

Miraculously, all twenty of them managed to grab onto the same branch sticking out of the cliffside. There were nineteen beautiful blondes and one brunette. The brunette saw the branch was starting to break, so she made a decision.

"Listen ladies," she said. "As skinny as we are, this branch ...

What do you call a tornado full of cats?

A Cat-astrophe

What do you call a bowl full of epilepsy?

A seizure salad

A man is driving a van full of penguins and is pulled over by a cop...

“Sir,” says the policeman. “Are you aware that there are penguins in your van?”

“Yep,” says the man. “They’re my penguins. They belong to me.”

The policeman looks at the man in disbelief and then back at the penguins, who noot at him.

“Sir, I’m afraid this is unacceptable. I nee...

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I walked into a room full of men masturbating

The looked shocked I didn't stop

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An English man, Irishman and a Scottish man are sitting in a pub full of people.

The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free".

Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer.

The Scottish man says, "Yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free."

Again,...

What do you call a boat full of buddies?

A friend-ship

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

A plane full of teachers

One day some teachers are told to board in a plane. After they got in, the passengers(teachers) are being told that the plane they are in was made by their students, immediately all of the teachers leave the plane except one. He gets asked:
Why did you not choose to leave the plane?
Teacher: ...

The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.

Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.

Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.

Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?

Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...

I went to return a sweater that i bought because it was full of static.

I got a new one, free of charge

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My 5 year old son wouldnt eat his vegetables... NSFW

No matter what I tried he refused. One day it's time for his bath and he doesnt want to.

I ask him what I can do to make him take a bath and he says

"Take it with me."

I say "fuck it. I need a shower too".

We're in the middle of the shower when I notice he's staring at my...

I saw a road that is full of people who smokes marijuana.

It's called a highway.

I was just walking down the road when someone threw a full block of cheese at me

I told them “That wasn’t very mature was it?”

J.K. Rowling recently tweeted out that Hogwarts actually has a full gym for wizards to exercise and lift weights

The entrance is called the Dumbbell Door

"I built a new life support suit that allows me to not have to be entirely confined to a helmet and full body outfit."

\~ Darth Innovader

What’s the difference between a Ferrari and a wagon full of dead babies?

I don’t have a Ferrari parked in my driveway

A man seas a boat full of people from atop a hill.

He was very curious as to who was on the boat and had time to waste, so he decided to walk down to the dock and take a look.
When he got down there he did not see a single soul in sight.
Everyone on the boat was a ginger.

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender he’d like something tall, icy, and full of vodka.

The bartender holds up his finger for the man to wait a minute and yells into the back room, “Hey Tiffany, someone is here looking for you!”

My Italian uncle has recently been hit by a truck full of Mac&cheese

Sadly, he pasta way now

On a room full of doctors, how do you find the gynecologist?

It's easy. It's the one with the watch on his elbow.

What's the fastest way to clear a room full of Anti-Vaxers..?

Sneeze.

The internet is full of mean, hurtful, unfriendly, people who have nothing better to do with their lives than make others feel bad!

It's so great to have a place I finally fit in.

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Elon Musk: Tesla cars now have full self driving capabilities.

PornHub: "Tinder date comes in me in a Tesla on autopilot"

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket an...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a big jar full of money on the counter

He asks the bartender about it, and he replies, "Oh, it's for this ongoing... I guess you'd call it a contest."

Intrigued, the man asks how it works.

"Well, you put $100 in and then you'll win the whole jar if you complete three tasks."

The jar is quite large and full to the b...

A buss full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck...

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I wish to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened.

The second person also said “I wish to be gorgeous.” and God snapped his fingers again an...

What is full of holes and travels down an alley?

Batmans parents.

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How do you tell when a prostitute is full?

She has a runny nose!

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After months of trying, I was finally successful in giving my girlfriend an orgasm that lasted a full five minutes last night...

I guess it was a long time coming

A dog walks into an employment agency and says he’s looking for full-time work.

“Holy cow! A talking dog!” the agency owner cries. “With your talent, I’m sure we could find you a job in entertainment. Maybe a circus?”



“A circus?” the dog asks. “Why would the circus need an accountant?”

How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts?

Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights

Well the EU servers are full

But they almost have one GB of extra space

What is dark and full of sins

A confession booth.

Here’s the full version of the Mueller Report

[Redacted]

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