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Employed Jokes

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A louse enters the employment bureau and says, "I'm unemployed, what to do?"

The clerk looks at the computer and says, "I can offer you a job in Danny's mustache."

"Great", says the louse, and the next day she goes to work.

Two days later she comes back, "I can not work in Danny's mustache - He smokes a lot, and I have asthma."

"Well", says the clerk, ...

*During an interview* Interviewer: 'So how long were you employed in your last job?'

Candidate: 'I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.'
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Breaking News: Reddit has employed Radiohead as moderators

Or should they be called Karma Police?
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pentagon found that it employed too many generals and decided to send some with early retirement.

They promised every general retired a full annual income and all associated benefits plus $ 10,000 for each inch measured in a straight line between two self-chosen points on his own body.

The first who accepted the retirement plan asked to measure the distance between the tips of his toes an...

Funny how things are still tagged NSFW

As if any of us still have jobs

Update: stop bragging about being employed, it's lowering morale /s
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A painter is employed to whitewash the local church. But he makes the mistake of thinning the paint down too much, so that it all washes away the first time it rains.

The minister rings the painter to complain. "What do you want me to do about it?" says the painter.

"Repaint," says the minister, "And thin no more."
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Being self employed sucks

My boss is always threatening to kill me
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boss perv

I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An East End gang boss had always been very careful with whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up...

He thought he'd been really clever in hiring a crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't
much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it quickly dawned on the boss that
someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it<...

A friend asked: "Now that you're self-employed; are you going to let your hair grow?"

I replied: "I'm letting it, but it's not taking advantage of the opportunity."
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You hear about the anchored float who only employed his mates?

Jobs for the buoys
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A Jamaican man was recently employed in a butchers...

...one of his jobs that night was to prepare bacon sandwiches for the next morning but he ended up wasted on a 6 pack of beer and when he sampled the bacon he found it to be too delicious and ended up scoffing the whole lot.

In the morning when the owner asked to try a sandwich, the guy panic...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandad was responsible for bringing down several Nazi planes during WW2.

The Luftwaffe said he was the worst mechanic they ever employed.

My boss touched me inappropriately at work today

But it's okay, i'm self-employed
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We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.


That leaves 251 million to do the work. 


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.


Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million chil...
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One of the best things about being self employed

I name myself employee of the month every month.
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A virus comes to a bank to get a loan. "Are you employed?" asks the bank assistant.

"No," replies the virus, "I'm contracted."
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A recently employed man doesn’t go to his new job without explaining why.

His boss calls him and asks, “Do you hate your job?”
The man replies, “No sir, I love it!”

“So why don’t you ever show up?”

“Well, I was told when you love your job, you never have to work a day in your life.”
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What do you call a self employed individual who works with fertilizer?

An Entremanure.
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Sure, people may look down on me for being self-employed, but it certainly has some hidden perks.

For instance, my boss gives the best handjobs.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was recently employed as a sewage worker

It's a shit job.

Did you hear about the shop that only employed dwarves?

It had to close because it was short staffed.
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Our town's male strip club has employed a lot of poorly endowed men.

Ironically, they aren't short staffed.
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An illusionist was employed to entertain the guests of a cruise ship.

He had a handful of good tricks he performed quite well and because there was a new audience every other week or so, he didn't have to worry about coming up with new ones. The trouble came when the Captain's talking parrot, after watching the same show time and time again, started to figure the tric...
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I quit my job last year because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self employed.

My boss is still an idiot.
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Redditors who were employed by the CIA in 1963: what was the biggest government conspiracy no one has uncovered

Worth a shot.
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His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but...

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I was driving down a country road when I saw a sign: "Talking Dog For Sale."

I drove another mile before I turned around. A talking dog? Really?

I pulled up a gravel laneway and parked next to the barn. An old farmer was working on his tractor.

"Excuse me," I said, "but I couldn't help but notice your sign. Is it true you have a talking dog for sale?"

"Y...

An unemployed guy gets a call from the lady at the Employment agency

Lady : I have two openings for you.

Guy : I know.

The lady hangs up.
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I always tell people I work for the United Nations.

It's a better way of saying I'm U.N.employed.
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At Santa's workshop, there are no Christmas bonuses. Why not?

Because they're all elf-employed.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.

"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.

I employed a new gardener and gave him a list of tasks to do, when I returned he had only done tasks 1,3,5 and 7 on the list.

Turns out he's an odd job man.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I really dislike my boss.

He's lazy, has bad people skills, and doesn't know his asshole from a hole in the ground. I hate being self-employed somedays.

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