A friend asked: "Now that you're self-employed; are you going to let your hair grow?"

I replied: "I'm letting it, but it's not taking advantage of the opportunity."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a self-employed, work-at-home guy during the pandemic

I'd like you to meet the employee of the month, Dick!

Please stand up and be recognized.

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A louse enters the employment bureau and says, "I'm unemployed, what to do?"

The clerk looks at the computer and says, "I can offer you a job in Danny's mustache."

"Great", says the louse, and the next day she goes to work.

Two days later she comes back, "I can not work in Danny's mustache - He smokes a lot, and I have asthma."

"Well", says the clerk, ...

We're in Trouble

### We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.


That leaves 251 million to do the work.


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.


Which leaves 203 million to do the work

...

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An East End gang boss had always been very careful with whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up...

He thought he'd been really clever in hiring a crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't
much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it quickly dawned on the boss that
someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it<...

You hear about the anchored float who only employed his mates?

Jobs for the buoys

Being self employed sucks

My boss is always threatening to kill me

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What's the worst part of being a self-employed, one person work from home business?

The constant sexual harassment, from the boss, while you're just trying to get work done.

*During an interview* Interviewer: 'So how long were you employed in your last job?'

Candidate: 'I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.'

Job market

It sucks not getting employed because of nepotism. Because your own family knows your hopes ambition and dreams. They still won't hire you!

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Bill worked in a pickle factory...

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day and confessed to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk abou...

Sure, people may look down on me for being self-employed, but it certainly has some hidden perks.

For instance, my boss gives the best handjobs.

I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...

....Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

A virus comes to a bank to get a loan. "Are you employed?" asks the bank assistant.

"No," replies the virus, "I'm contracted."

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The Pentagon found that it employed too many generals and decided to send some with early retirement.

They promised every general retired a full annual income and all associated benefits plus $ 10,000 for each inch measured in a straight line between two self-chosen points on his own body.

The first who accepted the retirement plan asked to measure the distance between the tips of his toes an...

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Do you have an email address?

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that...

A recently employed man doesn’t go to his new job without explaining why.

His boss calls him and asks, “Do you hate your job?”
The man replies, “No sir, I love it!”

“So why don’t you ever show up?”

“Well, I was told when you love your job, you never have to work a day in your life.”

A Jamaican man was recently employed in a butchers...

...one of his jobs that night was to prepare bacon sandwiches for the next morning but he ended up wasted on a 6 pack of beer and when he sampled the bacon he found it to be too delicious and ended up scoffing the whole lot.

In the morning when the owner asked to try a sandwich, the guy panic...

What do you call a self employed individual who works with fertilizer?

An Entremanure.

Funny how things are still tagged NSFW

As if any of us still have jobs

Update: stop bragging about being employed, it's lowering morale /s

I quit my job last year because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self employed.

My boss is still an idiot.

One of the best things about being self employed

I name myself employee of the month every month.

Our town's male strip club has employed a lot of poorly endowed men.

Ironically, they aren't short staffed.

The lone brunette in a family of blondes, Tamara, returns home from her first semester at university.

Her family was super excited to see her, especially her younger sister, Lisa. Tamara was the first person in the family to go to university and she had a million questions for her.

When they finally got some time alone, Lisa began peppering Tamara with questions.

“What was your favor...

In an alternate reality, bears speak and coexist with humans.

A prominent electrician (who happened to be a bear) employed several humans for various positions within his company. Some were in customer service, handling the phones. Others were on-site technicians who drove around town from job to job. One human, Mike, was hired to do two different jobs inside ...

Redditors who were employed by the CIA in 1963: what was the biggest government conspiracy no one has uncovered

Worth a shot.

An illusionist was employed to entertain the guests of a cruise ship.

He had a handful of good tricks he performed quite well and because there was a new audience every other week or so, he didn't have to worry about coming up with new ones. The trouble came when the Captain's talking parrot, after watching the same show time and time again, started to figure the tric...

Did you hear about the shop that only employed dwarves?

It had to close because it was short staffed.

I employed a new gardener and gave him a list of tasks to do, when I returned he had only done tasks 1,3,5 and 7 on the list.

Turns out he's an odd job man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a prostitute uses a dildo

Does that mean she's self-employed?

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The ultimate revenge ( long)

Melville was 10 years old and he loved clowns. When he heard that the circus was coming to town he did everything he could to convince his parents to take him so he could see the clowns. They eventually agreed and when the day arrived he was incredibly excited! He was on the edge of his seat with an...

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

An unemployed guy gets a call from the lady at the Employment agency

Lady : I have two openings for you.

Guy : I know.

The lady hangs up.

I figured out why I’m so tired!

For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the w...

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