A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

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I just saw my wife walk around with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

What did Raichu say when it saw Pikachu

Raichu

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A man was driving on the freeway when he saw a sign that said "Whistle Blowjobs - 10 miles"

" whistle blowjobs?" He thought to himself, wondering what that was all about.

"They suck your dick while they whistle? That's impossible!"

Then he passed another sign: "Whistle Blowjobs - 5 miles"

And another: "Whistle Blowjobs - 1 mile"

At this time he was so curious...

What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?

Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.

While I was shopping, I saw an ad in a window. It said, “Television for $1, volume stuck on full.”

There’s no way I can turn that down.

I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too

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My friend just asked me how I would react if I saw someone with a micropenis ejaculating.

I replied "Woah dude, that came out of no where!"

I saw a hitchhiker with a sign that read ‘Heaven.’

So I ran him over.

Good one from my dad: "I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Came up during a conversation about having a bonfire

Dad "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Me, fully expecting a dad joke: "I don't believe you but would you care to elaborate"

Dad: "It's true! I saw it with my own eyes"...

I saw a guy at the beach yelling, “Help! Shark! Help!”

I was like, “I don’t think that shark is going to help you.”

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table.

I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

I just saw my wife trip and fall over with the basket of clothes she just ironed.

I watched it all unfold.

I saw the letters "HI" in the alphabet and thought I finally made a friend...

...until I saw the next two letters.

I was walking down the street with a friend and we saw two blind guys fighting

We got closer and I said "My bet is on the one with the knife."
They both ran

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

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I saw two guys wearing the same thing, and I asked if they were gay.

Then they arrested me.

I saw a documentary about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage

But I think this sub's doing even better!

I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.

He never found what he was looking for.

I saw a person selling good and bad advice for $1 a piece.

Sure I'll bite, I'll take a piece of bad advice.


You should've got good advice.


Ok...here's another dollar for some good advice.


Don't get the bad advice.


\----

I felt like i thought of this joke, but it seems to simple to be original.

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

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I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said, "Bathroom Closed"

What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself on Blu Ray?

HDMI

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So I was on the beach and there was a "no nudism" sign. Saw a guy totally naked and noticed he had beautiful testicles...

...I said to him: "I don't approve of what you're doing, but I admire your balls."

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on her face was priceless.

Saw a guy getting laid in a cemetary last weekend.

Figured i had nothing to lose so i yelled out "hey, mind if i have a turn?"
" go dig up your own!" He replied.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

I saw a post saying "Free China".

Turns out it was some old lady giving away her dishes.

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I bought a porn dvd today and I put it in the dvd player but all I saw was a guy holding his dick not doing anything.

It was then that I realized that I forgot to turn the tv on.

I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.

he's just going through a rough patch!

"I see!" says the blind man,

as he picked up his hammer and saw.

One day I was walking across a bridge when I saw a man preparing to jump off

I immediately shouted to him, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why not?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well... are you religious or not?"

"I am!"

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Ca...

I saw a man at the airport with a bulletproof vest

I reminded him it’s an airport not a school

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Saw my dwarf neighbour at the bus stop this morning... So I stopped and said jump in i will give you a lift... "FUCK OFF" he screamed at me....

What an ungrateful bastard, I thought as i zipped up my backpack and continued walking.

I saw a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long.

I called it a πthon.

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I saw an article about a woman who tried to sell her kid on eBay. You shouldn’t sell your child on eBay. That’s something YOU made.

That shit goes on Etsy

Saw this girl in math class and said

Hey girl you might be a little obtuse, but at the right angle you kind of acute.

I was in my room and saw a group of 10 ants running around frantically. I felt bad and made a small house for them out of cardboard. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my ..

Tenants

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

I saw an ad for an innuendo competition in the paper

So I entered my sister

Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb

I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"? He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

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I saw a fat woman standing at the bus stop.

I asked her when is it due?, she then went into a right rage and said I am not pregnant you ignorant Bastard. I said I was on about the bus you fat cow.

At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years

I answered:

“Well, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.”

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, “LOOL AREA!!”

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’."

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no ...

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I was walking through the forest when I saw something glimmer in the grass.

"I approached and it turned out to be a golden frog. I quickly grabbed it, intending to sell it for a lot of money, but the frog spoke to me.


- Let me go and I'll grant you 3 wishes.


First I didn't believe it, so I tried to stick it in my pocket, but the frog spoke again.
...

I just saw a play about a man with a broken leg...

the cast was terrible.

I saw a bloke with one arm and one leg was about to be hanged.



I started shouting out letters.

I saw an attractive man spank his child after the child threw his fries

I then saw an old lady walk up to them and drop her fries

Saw Van Gogh in a Pub.

I said can I buy you a beer?

He replied no I got one Ear mate.

Two professors of economics were walking down a road when they saw a dead rat.

The older one said - “If you eat this, I’ll pay you ₹10,000”. The younger one makes a quick cost-benefit analysis and finally eats the rat.

The younger professor experiences a bad after-taste and wants the older professor to experience the same. When he sees another dead rat on the road, he ...

Today I saw my friend in class listening to music, so I asked him what music it was.

He said he was listening to rap and asked what I was listening too. I looked him dead in the eye, put a paper clip in my ear and said heavy metal.

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I saw a girl with 6 pairs of boobs the other day

Sounds weird dozen tit ?

I was walking home late one night when I saw dozens of giant cupcakes and pies everywhere. It was kind of scary.

The streets were oddly desserted.

I just saw this great movie about a complete sentence...

It was a period piece.

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One day a police man was walking down a street when he saw an old woman with two big bags. One bag was broken and $20 bills were falling out of it.

So, the police man stops the old lady and asked her “ hey, How did you get so much money, you didn’t rob a bank did you?” The old lady stopped replied “ No dear, I live next to a Golf course and I was sick of golfers peeing through my fence, so whenever I see a golfer stick his dirty bits through m...

Bikers were riding west on when they saw a girl about to jump off a Bridge.

They stopped and George, the leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit ...

If you saw an assassin running towards the president...

Would you say "Donald Duck"?

I saw a real idiot at the Gym today.....

He put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill

Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison fence.

I thought to myself, “that’s a little condescending.”

I went to cinema last night and saw a movie about cheese.

It was G rated.

I saw people waiting to get to the refreshments table at a party...

... and I said, "I guess this would be the punchline."

I saw a film about the fall of the USSR

It was a blocbuster

I was walking home from work today when I saw a duck on the street.

The duck looked lost so I picked it up and carried it back to my house.

When we arrived home we where met by my wife who glared and with angry tone asked "what are you doing with that pig?"

I said "dear it's a duck actually"

She said "I was speaking to the duck"

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I saw a transvestite prostitute wearing a mini skirt the other day and thought,

That shows a lot of balls.

When I was a young, I loved basketball and was a huge Michael Jordan fan. But I wasn't sure if I had enough talent to become a pro player. Until one day I saw this huge poster. In the poster Jordan points at me and the caption reads "JUST DO IT". I got tears in my eyes and decided "I will do IT! ".

That's how I became a web developer.

I saw a roadside stand with a sign that said "Lobster Tails-$2". So I stopped in and paid my $2.

Then the proprietor says, "Once upon a time, there was this lobster..."

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Saw a shark take a shit...

Jawdropping

I killed four people by looking them yesterday.

Edit: Sorry, sawing. English is not my native language.

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I saw a statue of a dick

They erected it yesterday

I saw an anime about what it's like to move house as a king.

"How's moving castle?"

I thought I saw a shooting star but turns out it was dust on the telescope...

Turns out it was a meteor-wrong!

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I saw that my wife’s eye makeup smeared all around when she woke up this morning.

I couldn’t even raccoon-eyes her.

I saw a guy wearing a T-shirt with the tag "Life = God + Righteousness"

I hope he understands that it also means; "God = Life - Righteousness" and "Righteousness = Life - God".

I saw a rating on Yelp for Orion's belt

It was only 3 stars.

I got pulled and the officer saw my vape in the cup holder.

He said, ya know the news says those things will kill you.

I laughed and said yeah they say the same thing about ya'll.

Just saw 2 people stealing a Calendar

They both got 6 months

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So I saw a butterfly with no wings today, I poured some Red Bull on it and BAM!

It drowned...

I saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM

Confused, I said "excuse me sir, what are you doing?"

The man replied "I'm just checking my balance"

I saw a woman crying in the supermarket

So I stopped and asked what had happened. Through the sobs, said said that she was due to go on holiday, but all the money she had been saving for months was gone. Feeling sorry for her, I decided to give her £50 to try and help a bit.
It's not something I'd normally do, but I just found £2,000 ...

I was shocked when I came home and saw that the curtains were drawn.

Luckily the rest of the furniture was real.

Saw an advert on the side of the Apple Store saying 'Apply Inside'

Well it's not going to be orangey is it?

A Soviet couple were walking down the street when they saw a dark cloud

The husband said “I think it’s going to rain”

The wife said “I think it’s going snow”

The husband asked a communist officer on the street “Officer Rudolf, will it rain or snow?”

The officer said “it will definitely rain”

When the husband told the wife, she asked “but how ...

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[OC] After area 51 raid, Joe drugged and took an alien to his home. When the drug worn off, Joe saw the alien walking towards him with a massive boner and he asked Joe in perfect English with a seducing voice "Who are you, sexy thing"?

Joe replied... Sapien.. No homo

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I saw a clip about how comedians are bad at sex..

.. and I've been looking for an excuse sooooo here I am

A little boy and his mother were walking on the street when they saw two dogs mating

-Mom, what are they doing?

-The one on the top broke its front legs and the other one is taking it to the hospital.

-Wow what kind of a world are we living in? You are helping someone and they are f*cking you.

Saw a Dog killing then eating a Mouse the other day!

I thought to my self
“F-it he just cut out the middle man!”

I went and saw Pearl Jam in the early ‘90’s and I thought to myself...

This couldn’t get Eddie Vedder

Saw a guy being beaten up by 4 dudes

I went to go help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us.

At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He looked surprised and said, "No, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

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I saw a woman with a single boob and a beautiful tattoo that took up her entire back

I asked her how she could afford such a tattoo and she looked at me with tears in her eyes "tit for tat"

I saw a very drunk Kimi Raikkonen trying to order liquor from a bar tender...

"No no, Kimi. You will not have the drink."

I saw a man trying to attack a woman in the park so I decided to step in and help.

She didn’t stand a chance against the two of us.

Just saw a coke can get crushed in front of his family

Soda pressing....

I saw a kid did not stand at school for his National anthem

On seeing this I was angry and I kicked him out of his wheel chair

I saw people collecting for Parkinson's and they were shaking tins which I thought was insensitive.

-Gary Delaney-

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A border custom officer saw a suspicious truck at the check post.

The officer immediately asked the Truck driver to bring the truck aside for a complete check up.

"Are you smuggling something?" asked the officer to the truck driver. "It would be wise if you told me before we found something."

"Nope," said the truck driver casually. And he was right. ...

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?” St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that sh...

A man saw his friend smoking two cigarettes at the same time

He asked him “why you smoking two?”
He reply’s, “I smoke one for me and one for my brother because he is in prison”
A week after he saw him again, but he smoking only one.
He ask “oh did your brother get out??”
He reply’s “no I quit smoking”

I was in Area 51 last week. Here is a list of everything I saw

[Redacted]

I saw someone eating ass...

I can't believe they ate the hole thing!!

I once visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips...

I asked him, "Are you the friar?"

He said, "No, I'm the chip monk.."

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I saw an amazing ass on my way to work today

I wanted to take her home and play with her all night long, until I saw her dad and realized that she was a mule.

I couldn't believe my eyes; I saw a man wearing a codpiece this morning.

So, I complimented the nutcase, turned around and walked away as quickly as possible.

Saw the headline: "Justin Trudeau cannot remember how many times he wore black face"

And thought to myself, boy does Justin Trudeau have a dark past

I once worked at a slaughterhouse and saw a pig get killed

I never sausage a thing

Nguyen, who saw by touch. It's original, I swear!

Did you hear about the blind Thai man who was able to tell what race people were by touch? It's true! Just by feeling their hand, old man Nguyen could tell you if somebody was European, African, Polynesian, or American. He was best at Asian countries, just by practice, and could even tell what count...

Yesterday I saw a guy drop all his scrabble letters on the road

I asked him what’s the word on the street

I saw a lady who looked tired carrying an infant.

I saw a lady who looked tired carrying an infant. When I suggested she put the baby down, she looked at the child and said, "You sure are one ugly kid."

The other day i saw a piece of toast in a cage in the zoo...

It was bread in captivity.

Today I saw myself on TV

When I turned it off.

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

I just saw my high school teacher the other day and she didn't remember who I was......

I was home schooled :(

I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried

Onions was such a good dog

This morning I saw someone smoking weed in church

Nearly spat out my beer

I saw my friend Monica at the bar

I yelled over to her "WHAT'S UP, MONICA?"

All of a sudden, I got beat up by three black guys.

I cried the first time I saw Alien.

My friends told me I have xenophobia.

I saw a man take a gate from my front yard the other day,

I didn't say anything, I didn't want him to take a fence.

I saw two unborn fetuses making out.

So I said “would you two get a womb?”

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Two newfies were walking in the woods and they saw a goat had his head stuck in the fence...

So the 1st newfie says "I got an idea" he walks up to the fence and F _ _ ks the goat in the ass .
Then he turns to the second newfie and says "your turn"
So the 2nd newfie walks up to the fence and sticks his head in it.

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I saw nothing.

The first speaker, a lady from England stood up and said, "During last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself! After t...

I saw a lady in tears at the store

She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside. I gave her 100$ because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot.
#payitforward

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I was at a yard sale and I saw a radio, with a broken volume knob, for sale.

I couldn’t turn it down.

So I saw this sign the other day, it said “wood fired pizza”

So I said “Wood fired pizza? How will pizza get a job now.”

Just saw a dyslexic Yorkshire man...

He had a cat flap on his head.

I thought I saw a sheet of metal working out

It was just a curling iron

I saw a man pulling a chain down the street the other day

I asked him : "Why are you pullin' that chain down the street?"

He looked at me with a confused look and said: "You ever tried pushin' one?"

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