A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar Walked into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

Good one from my dad: "I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Came up during a conversation about having a bonfire

Dad "Here's something you might not have known about me, I can cut wood by just looking at it"

Me, fully expecting a dad joke: "I don't believe you but would you care to elaborate"

Dad: "It's true! I saw it with my own eyes"...

I saw a documentary about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage

But I think this sub's doing even better!

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years

I answered:

“Well, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.”

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

What did Raichu say when it saw Pikachu

Raichu

I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried

Onions was such a good dog

Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb

I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"? He said, "Yes, what gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

I saw a guy wearing a T-shirt with the tag "Life = God + Righteousness"

I hope he understands that it also means; "God = Life - Righteousness" and "Righteousness = Life - God".

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A saw two men wearing matching outfits. So I asked them if they were gay.

They arrested me.

Saw a guy being beaten up by 4 dudes

I went to go help. He didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us.

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?” St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that sh...

This morning I saw someone smoking weed in church

Nearly spat out my beer

A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, “LOOL AREA!!”

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’."

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no ...

"I see!" says the blind man,

as he picked up his hammer and saw.

I can cut down a tree just by looking at it

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

I saw a man pulling a chain down the street the other day

I asked him : "Why are you pullin' that chain down the street?"

He looked at me with a confused look and said: "You ever tried pushin' one?"

At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He looked surprised and said, "No, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

I saw a woman crying in the supermarket

So I stopped and asked what had happened. Through the sobs, said said that she was due to go on holiday, but all the money she had been saving for months was gone. Feeling sorry for her, I decided to give her £50 to try and help a bit.
It's not something I'd normally do, but I just found £2,000 ...

I almost saw a kid get hit by a car

Luckily I turned away

A lady went into a bar and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.

He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out ...

I recently saw a documentary about bridges.

It was the most suspenseful documentary I have seen.

I just saw my high-school english teacher the other day and she didn't remember me.

I was homeschooled.

I once saw a German Shepherd taking a dump on my front garden.

Then his dog came along.

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I saw some prostitutes hanging around my local garden centre

I guess it is a bit of a seedy establishment

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I just saw my first porno...

And damn I looked good back then.

A man saw a robbery at an apple store

He was an iWitness

Last night at dinner I thought I saw my father starting to gag.

Turns out it was just another dad choke.

What did Chris Brown say when he first saw Rihanna?

I'd hit that....

I just saw my Chinese waiter give my order to someone who looks nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter

I saw a lady in tears at the store

She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside. I gave her 100$ because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot.
#payitforward

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I feel sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FUCK ME!" What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Saw a guy at a bar chatting up a cheetah.

I thought, "Well, I never - he's trying to pull a fast one!"

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.

As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.


So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"


She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.


As I walked to the back o...

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg.

I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.”

He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”

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You know what I’d do if I saw a kidnapping?

I’d wake him up, the lazy bastard.

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I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at the party....

Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

I just saw some idiot at the gym

he put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam

She passed.

My wife didn’t appreciate this joke but we saw a guy on a jog wearing a white glove.

I said he was running a Jackson 5k.

I saw a stand-up comic doing jokes about botany. Nobody in the audience laughed except one guy.

I looked at him and thought "you're a plant".

I saw a bumper sticker saying

Im a vet so i can drive like an animal'
suddenly i realized how many gynecologists are on the road.

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road

I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?

My wife saw me standing on the bathroom scale and sucking my stomach in and said "Ha! That doesn't help!"

Ofcourse it does. It's the only way I can see the numbers...

Once I saw a man on a bridge about to jump

I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What denomination?" He said, "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last week I saw an old couple having sex in a plane.

Clearly, they were fucking high.

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

I killed four people by looking them yesterday.

Edit: Sorry, sawing. English is not my native language.

A man was driving to work one morning when he saw a penguin at the side of the road.

He didn't know what to do with it so he put it into the back seat of his car and drove to work to explain the situation to his boss.

His boss said "You should take him to the zoo", so the man left and drove off with the penguin.

Later that day as the boss was leaving work, he saw the m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I saw a man in a suit, jump into a phone booth and then Superman jump out. I’d be like “Holy shit!”

A fucking phone booth!

I saw my roommate carrying a crystal ball and candles

"What do you need a crystal ball and candles for?" I asked.

"I'm going to conduct a ritual to speak with the dead."

"Oh. Makes seance."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

Wife told husband: After you finish watering the plants, we need to talk about something I saw in your mobile phone...

... It has been more than 4 days the husband is still watering the plants

I saw two diseases drinking some soda

It was Hep C and Ebola sharing a Pepsi cola

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Gordon Ramsay say when he saw a cute cat gif on Reddit?

ITS FUCKING r/aww !!!!!

I saw the JFK film on the plane the other day

It was truly mind blowing

I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls.

But these are just miner details.

1965 saw the invention of Gatorade, but the competition was fierce.

Florida State had made their own sports drink to give athletes an edge. However, their own "Seminole Fluid" just didn't sell.

I saw barenaked ladies at a concert back in the 90's

I don't remember the band I went to go see though.

Today I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just saw a guy riding a bike while trying to sell a donkey.

He was peddling his ass all over town.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a hot girl in class today, I kept thinking to myself “don’t get a boner.”

Then she did and my day was ruined.

I saw my mother in the river..

WoW

I saw a man playing with a grenade...

And warned him, "Be careful! It could explode!".


He replied, "Oh don't worry, I've got more of them."


(Told by my dad's friend and just wanted to share)

Just saw an article about brain eating amoebas becoming a potential problem in Texas (true). I remember this happened about 10 years ago in Alabama and the outcome was terrible.

Poor amoebas nearly starved to death!

I saw a magic dog out in the streets...

When I asked him his breed he told me that he was a labracadabrador.

I saw an obituary for the owner of the world's biggest stone quarry...

"He left a deep hole."

Thought I saw the first ever super hero today, he was running down our street wearing a cape.

Turns out he hadn't paid for his haircut.

One day, a man saw a woman crying for help on the side of the road.

As the man approached the hysterical woman, he

notices a child on the floor gasping for air. He quickly

springs into action and immediately administers CPR

to the young child. Finally, a quarter shoots out of the

child’s throat.

The pleased woman asks, “Are yo...

Yesterday I was working on the farm when I saw a bunch of chickens just strutting around...

It was like poultry in motion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a stolen BMW today. I decided to call the police.

“Yes officer, I’ve just seen a stolen vehicle out here on the highway, westbound”

“With all due respect, civilian, there are hundreds, thousands of vehicles out there, it is incredibly difficult to spot a stolen vehicle if you don’t have the training for it. Did you see a smashed window or so...

I saw a really big seagull today

It was easily big enough to be a D gull, but not quite big enough to be an eagle.

I saw a homeless man and gave him 1$

Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her 0.78$

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I got home yesterday I saw my girlfriend had thrown all my stuff onto the front lawn.

I asked her what she doing and she said "I saw your browser history! Get out of my life you paedophile!"

I thought this was absolutely crazy!

When the fuck did they start teaching words like "paedophile" to eight year-olds?

I saw a sports car being driven by a scantily clad sheep

It was a Lamb-Bikini...

I saw the most interesting thing yesterday..

I was walking outside and I saw 2 rats eating a DVD for whatever reason. I stopped and started to watch closely when suddenly one of the rats stops, looks at the other and says “You know Steve, I enjoyed the book more.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was walking on a beach when he saw a woman with no arms or legs crying. He asked what was wrong. She said:

"I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been hugged."

He hugged her and kept walking. A few minuted later, he sees her crying again. He asked what was wrong now; She said:

"I have no arms and no legs, and I've never been kissed."

He kissed her and kept walking. A few minutes...

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I saw a pirate at the bar, he had a claw for a hand, a peg leg, and an eye patch on.

I saw a pirate at the bar, he had a claw for a hand, a peg leg and an eye patch on.

I asked what misfortune caused the loss of his leg. “A shark bit me leg clean off”

Curiosity piqued, I asked about his hand. “This beheaded fish still had the gall to bite down mighty fierce”

Las...

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A little girl was digging a hole in her back yard and the dad came out and saw her.

Dad: “Hey honey what are you doing?”

Girl: “I’m digging a hole!”

Dad: “I can see that but why?”

Girl: “Cause my fish died. So I’m burying him!”

Dad: “Aw that’s cute! But why is the hole so large”

Girl: “Cause it’s still inside your fucking cat!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a picture of my dad’s junk today

I said, “Damnit dad stop texting me this shit!”

I once saw a man flip in a boat in the middle of a huge lake.

I think he made it safely back to shore.
Oar not.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “...

I saw an Australian guy playing Mamma Mia on his Didgeridoo.

I thought, that's "ABBAriginal".

A toothpick saw a hedgehog.

“Oh wow, a bus.” It says.

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The secretary was leaving the office one night when she saw the CEO standing by a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very important document. Can you make this thing work?” The secretary turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Great,” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy”

I saw a little Mexican kid get dragged into a white van

Talk about Alien Vs Predator

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a woman on her mobile phone while I was driving next to her, I was so pissed off with the irresponsible cow.

I threw my bottle of whiskey at her.

Today i saw a strip club across the road from a minigolf place.

I'm liberal but that's too much for me. What if your trying to have a nice afternoon with your family and kids and you look across the street and have to see a bunch of losers playing minigolf.

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A Cop Saw a Car in the Ditch.

A police officer was driving down the road when he saw a car in the ditch.

The crash appeared to pretty bad so he took a close look, when he got to the car and looked inside he saw an entire dead family. The husband, the wife, and two kids but there was an alive monkey sitting in the car.
...

I saw a meerkat save its nephew from an eagle's clutches at the very last second.

It was a meer-uncle.

I saw a waterfall that emptied into a well

Wat-er-well

One day a chicken saw a duck standing by the edge of the road looking at the other side...

The chicken walked over to the duck and said “ don’t do it pal you will never here the end of it.”

I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage

I guess you could say it was bread in captivity

I was shocked when I walked into my bank today and saw Groot there in shirt and tie.

He had just been named branch manager.

I saw my friend Jinx yesterday.

I said "Hey, Jinx!". I got no response.
I said, a little louder, "Jinx?". Still no response.
Eventually I decided to be a pest. "Hey Jinx! Yo Jinx! Hi, Jinx! What's goin on Jinx? Heeeey Jinx! Hi Jinx!". She got mad at me, and screamed "I've had enough of your 'hijinks'!"

I was at the museum the other day and saw my ex at the other end of the room

I was about to say hi but there is too much history between us

Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot's uniform,

I thought it was a bit odd.

Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My daughter saw my wife and I having sex this morning

She said "Quit sending me these videos!"

My friend says he saw a new color.

I told him it was just a pigment of his imagination.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds.

As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder.

He reached a cloud, upon which was sitting a rather plump and very ugly woman.

"Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly...

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I saw my neighbour crying while mowing the lawn

So I went outside to talk to him. I said:

"Tom you're a great dude but you're such a crybaby sometimes. I know your wife left you but she was a bitch! I had a girl leave me because she was sick of my shit but you don't see me bawling my eyes out about it!"

He tried to reply but his eye...

I saw a tree move and destroy a car

It seems they use Groot force.

I saw a cop arresting a man at a golf course today.

When I asked a witness what happened, they say he shot an eagle.

A pervert was cruising the neighborhood in his van one afternoon when he saw a little boy playing in a cubby house in a front yard.

He wound down his window and said "Hey little boy, if I give you a candy, will you let me come inside your cubby house?" to which the boy replied "If you give me the whole packet you can come inside my mouth!"

I saw a bumper sticker today that said “War is NEVER the answer.”

And I thought, unless someone asked me to name the band that sings the song “Low Rider.”

I saw a cop pull over a U-haul

Clearly he was trying to bust a move.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not my joke, I saw it on a different sub

“I like my coffee like how I like my slaves”

𝘞𝘢𝘪𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘶𝘯𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘴𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦

“Free, you racist bastards”

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked.

He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded,"My washcloth."

Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked his mother, "What happen...

I saw the most disgusting thing today: a strip club across the street from a playground.

Just trying to enjoy the day with my family while losers are swinging on monkey bars 50 feet away.

What did the monster say when he saw a full train during rush hour?

"Oh good! A chew, chew train!"

Credit to the attendant at Balaclava Train Station in Melbourne.

"Have a train-tastic Thursday night!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a chameleon today...

I guess that must make it a really shitty chameleon.

Today I saw two blind people fighting...

I shouted "I'm supporting the one with the knife" they both ran away..

I saw a guy holding a huge bumblebee and I said "Eww! What are you holding that ugly creature for?"

Indignantly he said "It's not ugly!"

I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

I saw Sinead O'Connor birdwatching the other day, so asked how she was getting on...

She told me "It's been seven owls and fifteen jays..."

I was in Australia last month and saw a guy on the street playing Dancing Queen on a Didgeridoo...

It was very ABBA-riginal!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One night I saw my sister masturbating with a carrot. Like really? Wtf dude?!

I was gonna eat that, but now it just tastes like carrots

The other day, I saw a rose making fun of a tulip that had a bump on it's stem, so I stepped on the rose.

I'm just doing my part to stop cyst stemic racism.

I saw my friends Israeli passport recently.

Under occupation it just said Palestine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Saw a women with 12 breasts the other day

Sounds weird, dozen tit?

Saw my violin teacher on the 9 o’clock news

He was fiddling with the kids

I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom...

but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.

A Spanish man saw a snake and was very frightened.

_Hiss._

Panic!

I saw a pirate selling corn today

It was a Buccaneer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
"Fuck off" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped my backpack and continued my walk.

I just saw two naked snails fighting over a shell

They were slugging it out.

Just before we paid the check at a restaurant, a cute waitress saw some leftovers and asked my dad “you wanna box?”

“Nah, I would rather wrestle”

Did I ever tell you about the time I saw a sign that made me sh!t myself?

It said "bathroom closed."

I once saw a skinned Grizzly

The bare bear was barely bearable.

I saw a guy this morning injecting himself with brake fluid. Stunned, I asked him if he had lost his mind?!

He looked at me and said - It’s ok. I can stop anytime

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw my son playing with a used diaper while the AC was on

It was all fun and games untill shit hit the fan

I saw avengers endgame today, I want my money back.

The last 20 minutes were blurry as hell.

What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box?

"Omg, donut seeds!"

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