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I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay

They arrested me

I dreamed I saw a color I never saw before

It was just a pigment of my imagination.

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I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video...

He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.

At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"

I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump...

I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "...

My wife found out I was cheating when she saw the letters I was hiding

After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.

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The first time I saw foot porn, I didn’t like it

So after a while I decided to give it another try, and it wasn’t half bad. I guess I got off on the wrong foot

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, “what’s the word on the street?”

What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?

Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.

I found some dusty old boxes in my closet and in them were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw...

There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's most prized collection!!

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he co...

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A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner

She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"

He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

I saw a lonely young man sitting at the bar

He was softly singing to himself *21 today, 21 today*.
Feeling sorry for the lad I bought him a beer.
With a smile and a nod of the head he sings *22 today, 22 today*!

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When I first saw "Back to the Future" I thought: "shit, this dude is going to bang his mom."

But luckily, they got caught fingering and were thrown out of the cinema.

A man was driving along a country road when he looked next to his car and saw a chicken was running alongside his car

The man checked his speed and saw he was going 30mph. He thought, "Am I crazy, or is this chicken keeping pace with me at 30mph?" So he sped up 40mph, and to his surprise, the chicken kept running right next to his car.

"This can't be right.", the man thought. "No chicken can run this fast." ...

My daughter called to tell me she saw a man driving a fast car made of macaroni and cheese.

She was doing 80 in a Honda and he was driving pasta.
E: my first (I think) original dad joke. Don’t slaughter me

A snail witnessed two turtles collide and have an accident. He was asked what he saw....

He said, "I'm not sure, it all happened so fast."

I saw a picture of Mt. Rushmore before the presidents' faces were carved into it

Its natural beauty was unpresidented

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Just saw a junkie at Wal-Mart put his whole dick in a tube of Planter's Cashews

Dude was fucking nuts.

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

Just saw a guy wearing T-Shirt that reads "Truth + God = Life"

Thank god I'm good at math, Truth = Life - God

I was caught drunk driving when I saw the stunning police officer.

It was a breath-taking experience.

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.

Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I d...

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My heart sank as I came home from work and saw the plumber's van parked in our drive

Thankfully though, he was just in there fucking the wife and there was no expensive leak.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

I saw an upside down number 6, and I thought...

‘That’s odd’

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A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour...

What did Donald Trump say when he walked into a church and saw all the benches were made of cardboard?

Fake pews.

I walked down the street and saw a man with a mattress strapped to his back

I stopped him and asked what it was for,

He said “you know my father always said I should have something to fall back on”

A kids tells his mom “Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly yesterday night”

The mother replies “Yes, we were trying to get rid of daddy’s big belly. I jump on him so all the air would come out”

The kid thinks for a moment and says “I know why it isn’t working then, the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into ...

I once saw a caveman wandering aimlessly in a roundabout manner.

I think it was a meanderthal.

Pretty sure I saw Michael J Fox at the garden center this morning, it certainly looked like him..

But he had his back to the fuchsia....

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I felt bad for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotised 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "Fuck Me!"

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Can anyone tell me if Jesus saw his shadow this morning?

I need to know if we'll get another 6 weeks of quarantine

I saw my ex-girlfriend last week

We were both at a loss for words when we saw each other. I was wondering what to say and she was wondering why I was in her apartment.

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

Saw a woman on a bike yesterday.

As she cycled towards me I couldn't help myself and shouted at her.

"COW!"

She cycled on but turned her head to shout some abuse at me, effing and blinding for a solid twenty seconds, before riding in to the side of a cow.

I was only trying to help.

I saw two blind guys fighting in an alley last night.

You won't believe how fast they ran when I said: "My money is on the one with the knife!"

A protestor saw me in London today and decided to throw a squeezy bottle of mayo at me...

... I yelled at him "What the Hell-Man!!!"

I saw someone post their 6yo's pirate joke today. Here's my 6yo's pirate joke...

Why can't a pirate say the alphabet?

Because they always get lost at C.

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One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, “Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?” His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” “No”, said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, “Then you’re not old enough.”

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, “Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?” His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” “No” said Little Johhny. “Then you’re not old enough.” his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His gra...

I once saw a group of Communists.

They were playing Soviet Russian Roulette. It's like regular Russian Roulette, except that everyone dies equally.

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I saw my son gluing light bulbs to the end portion of a dog.

"What the fuck is going on here?" I asked.

"My mechanic said I needed taillights."

My wife saw me standing on the scale pulling in my stomach

"Pulling in your stomach wont make you any lighter" she said

"I know", I said, "but if I don't, I cant see what it says on the dial"

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"I saw a job advertised for a fanny waxers assistant. Job includes removing ladies panties and prepare for waxing and rub oil in after waxing.

When I asked about the job they said I had to go to Cornwall. I said is that where the job is? No they said, that's where the back of the fucking queue is!!"

Saw a massive spider in my room earlier

Named him Cotton Eye Joe, because I want to know two things...where did he come from and where did he go?!

I saw an ad for tombstones in the paper

I thought this was the last thing I needed.

I once saw a store with a big arrow above the door

The owner removed it. It was pointless.

I saw an ad for an innuendo competition in the paper

So I entered my sister

I saw a guy on the street selling clones of himself, he was having a sale where you could buy 6 for the price of one

I turned to my friend and said "get a load of this guy"

Dave was walking along the beach and saw a beautiful lamp wash up.

He rubbed it and a marvelous Genie popped out and his mother-in-law, Cathy, appeared.

The Genie stated, you have three wishes, but be careful what you wish for.. and whatever you get, your mother-in-law will get double. Cathy snickered at him and started rubbing her hands together. "It's abou...

I was out shopping with the wife the other day when i saw a group of young ladies all wearing mini skirts.

I said, "Ooh look at those legs, I bet you wish you had legs like them?"
She didn't answer, but I think it upset her because I heard her sniffle as I wheeled her up the ramp into the next store

I recently saw the movie "Pitch Black"

It was riddickulous.

Saw an old friend walking back from the protest yesterday...

I asked him how it was, he goes "great, we're finally gonna overturn our brutal capitalist society" then asked me if I wanted to get a shake at McDonald's

My dog used to chase everyone he saw on a bike.

It got so bad that eventually, we had to take his bike away.

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I saw a bird of prey having a shit in the woods

It looked at me and told me to fuck off.
I think it had irritable owl syndrome.

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I saw two rodents giving each other oral sex

Mice

Jogging through the town, a young woman saw a wizened old man smiling at her from his drive.

'You look so happy!' she said to him. 'What's your secret for a long, satisfying life?'

'I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,' he smiled. 'And I drink a case of whiskey every week, eat nothing but fatty foods and never exercise.'

'That's amazing,' the woman marvelled. 'How old are ...

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What did the person with necrophilia get when he saw a skeleton?

A boner

This Quarantine lockdown sure is messing with other peoples heads, I just saw my neighbor talking to his cat!!

Told this to my dog and we both laughed our assess off.

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar

One came, one saw, and one conquered.

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Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

 

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

 

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

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A man walking down the street saw an old woman carrying two bags in her hands, one of which was filled with money.

He asked her, "Where did an old woman like yourself get a bag of money?"

She said, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to take a piss they stick their dicks in a hole in my fence and piss all over my flowerbed. It became a problem, so I sat next to the hole with...

Saw the ticket inspector on my train ignoring passengers and picking her nose.

I reported her for gross missed conduct.

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I saw a one legged man with no arms at the ATM today...

He asked me to help him check his balance....
So I pushed the fucker over.

I saw a movie about fishing last night...

The cast was pretty great

A woman saw in the news that a crazy driver was going in the opposite direction on a one way road, so she called to warn her husband.

Her husband said "it's not just one, honey, it's all of them!"

I was a little weirded out when I walked into my friend’s room and saw a dart board stuck on the ceiling.

Eventually I had to throw up.

Today I saw a really weird car in the shape of an S, but it was moving quite slowly, almost at a snail's pace

I said "Look at that escargot!!"

I finally saw that Wonder Woman movie from a few years back. I think it's really dangerous to let the kids see it.

It could give them the impression that DC movies are good.

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I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
"Fuck off" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

Just saw a sheep fight a cow

Looks like they were in a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad mooooooooooooooooooooooooooood

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A gecko was walking through the forest, when he saw a lot of smoke at the top of the tree where his friend monkey lived.

"He's got some good stuff there", he thought. He climbed up the tree and met his friend monkey, who was already high.

They smoked together for a while, then the gecko felt very thirsty. "I'll go down to the river and get some water, brb", he said to his friend.

As he was having his fre...

I saw where Sanders withdrew from yet another Presidential race after he worked so hard to get where he was...

The Bern out is real

I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law

My wife said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough"

John and Manfred were sitting at a bar when they both saw a man walk in...

After the man entered a huge crowd stormed into the bar, causing the man down on to the floor and trampling him as they walked in.

John, thinking the situation was a good time for a joke said to Manfred: “What do you call a man that lets people walk all over him?”

Manfred was appalled ...

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Once saw a kid getting jumped by four other kids, so I decided to step in

poor bastard didn’t stand a chance against all five of us

Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today

It was buy one get one brie

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Joe saw a sexy young exotic girl walking out from a bank, a remote control dropped from her mini skirt.

He picked it up and planed to give it back.

But the girl looked at him, her face turned red and seemed nervous and coy.

Joe understood it all of a sudden...

He smiled obscenely and pressed the button on the remote.

Then the bank exploded.

Finally watching One Piece and just saw tiny Buggy the Clown get spit out by a bird that tried to eat him.

I guess he tasted funny.

What did Raichu say when it saw Pikachu

Raichu

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What did the monkey do when he saw the rabbit?

Painted his balls orange to look like a carrot!

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These masks, man. I was standing in line to get in the grocery store, when I saw my friend, Steve was ahead of me in line.

I say, “hey man, long time! How’s it going?”

He says, “oh, hey! Pretty good actually, considering my wife left me.”

“oh yeah, that was a bummer, cheating on you with your brother like that!”

He’s shocked, “what? It was my brother?”

“wait wait, are you Steve?”

“No,...

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<nsfw> Saw 2 guys in hobby lobby dipping their testicles in glitter.

I thought they were pretty nuts.

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I once saw 2 statues fucking

They we're rock hard

Saw my ex today!

Right down the middle

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control

I thought to myself... "Well this changes everything!"

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

Yesterday I saw an ad that said "radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full"

I thought, "I can't turn that down"

A man saw a beautiful woman with her family, and to win her heart he decided he needed his friend's advice

A man approached his friend and said 'I met a fair maiden who I wish to try my hand at, but first I wish to sneak into her Father's Grace, any advice?'
His friend thought for a moment and then said, 'Try saying you'll take good care of her.'

And with that, the man left. He returned later t...

I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.

I told him "you're not going to find what you're looking for."

I saw a poster on a tree with a man's face. It read: "MISSING PERSON! REWARD £150".

Would you believe it...I was out on a pleasant walk the day after when I found that very guy tied up in the woods down by the river.



So regretfully, I had to give him the £150.

10 pins were crossing a railway track. Suddenly they saw a train approaching them. 9 pins were able to cross. But the 10th pin couldn't make it and the train went over it. But nothing happened to that pin. Why?

Because it was a safety pin!

I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette

I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire

The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire...

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

I saw my uncle cheating with another woman

but I aunt snitching

I once had the wildest dream, I was able to fly and when I flew over the oceans I saw they were made up of orange soda...

Then I woke up and realized it was a Fanta sea.

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The other day while scuba diving for seafood it dawned on me that everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,

that's shellfish.

I saw a sign on the side of the road, in a nice neighborhood, it said "drive like your kids live here"...

So I drove away.

A hacker saw my financials

He set up a go fund me

I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

No one does that to a woman, not on my watch...

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I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in...

Little bastards didn’t stand a chance…

I saw my ex today.

And then I'll put all the pieces in a plastic bag.

I saw a guy setting his phone on fire

He said that he wanted to reach hot

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I just saw a woman leaving the supermarket with a lot of booze and toilet paper

She's gonna laugh the shit out of her

Today I saw the wurst thing happen to a pig

I wish I never sausage a thing

Saw a note by my girlfriend on the fridge this morning.

It said: "I'm sorry, but it just doesn't work anymore..."


The lights were still functioning and the beer was cold. I don't see the problem.

I saw a poor old lady fall in the street today.

Well I'm assuming she's poor, she only had $1 in her purse.

I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone

"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"

"No" she sobbed

I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage

I saw an Australian cooking show and everyone cheered when the chef made meringue

It surprised me.

Australians usually boo meringue.

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger working at a grocery store and I asked him....

"Where can I find the toilet paper?"
He replied, "Aisle B, back."

Saw an old friend yesterday. As a joke I grabbed his hand and made him hit him self while I joked, "Why are you hiring yourself? Stop hitting yourself!"

His wife screamed and cried and the funeral director asked me to leave. Goddamn Philistines....

A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm.

When emergency services arrived, they asked the farmer what happened?

FARMER: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them.
One of the firemen asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"?
FARMER: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive".
But I couldn't believe ...

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.

As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.

So I ran after her shouting, “You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!”

She didn’t hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.

As I walked to the back of the bus I breath...

I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’

So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

Wife was checking her husband's phone and saw a contact named COVID19

Wife was checking her husband's phone and saw a contact named COVID19. She called the number and her own phone rang.

Husband is now in isolation.

A journalist goes to Russia for a documentary. In a little village he saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.

The old man smiled and began:"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the v...

Saw a book on how to resolve 50% of your problems

I bought two

I saw a wonderful lady on the opposite side of the road to me earlier. I said hi from a safe distance.

It was lovely 2 metre.

Today i watched the news and saw that my nearest mechanic was a drug seller.

That's horrible, so many years being a client and only today i realized he could have repaired my car.

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.

The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I’d feed him.”

So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher ...

I was in my room and saw 10 ants running frantically. I felt bad for them, so I built a house for them. This kinda makes me there landlord and that kinda makes them my

Tenants

Just saw a news report

Just saw  a news report on the strains of isolation. It’s reported people are going crazy.  I had been talking  about  this with  my mircowave and toaster and all of us agree things are getting bad. I didn’t mention  anything  to the washing machine as he always has to put a different  spin on every...

What did Silver say when it saw Gold walking across the street?

Au!

The other day in a book store I saw one that was called “How to live with 5$”

It costed 8.50$

I saw my ex girlfriend standing across the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

I saw a famous astrobiologist at a conference and asked what in particular he was studying.

He said: “Nothing at the moment, but we’re working on that.”

One day I saw a priest who looked lost in the woods

He was a roaming catholic

Once i saw a kidnapping

So i decided not to wake him up.

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I just saw my wife walk around with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.

It’s laundry day.

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