After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils; they dilate.

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, saying “this isn’t working anymore”

I open the fridge and it’s working fine WTF

3 rednecks were working on a cell tower...

Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.'


Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do ...

'Forget everything you learned in college. You won't need it working here.'

'But I never went to college.'

'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'

Working on the computer is like driving a submarine.

Once you open windows, the problems begin.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

One day a mechanic was working under a car

And some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting," he thought. The next day, he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "It was pretty good, really. I think I'll have a little more today."


His friend was a little concerned but didn't say anything....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

A magician was working on a cruise

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every ...

I got mad and threw my mouse at the wall because it wasn’t working..

I don’t know why the people at the vet are giving me that look.

My computer mouse isn't working properly

It could type paragraphs, but now it's just randomly slamming its tiny paws on the keyboard.

Whilst working out earlier I found a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in

But apparently she doesnt like that, and now I'm banned from my gym.

A young boy finds his grandfather, an avid gardener, working in his garden one afternoon.

“What do you usually put on your celery?” the boy asks his grandfather. The old man wipes the sweat and dirt from his forehead. He’s amazed his grandson has taken such an interest in his hobby. “Well, I usually put on a mix of enriched soil and rotted horse manure.” “That’s weird,” the grandson repl...

A farmer was working out in the field with his three daughters one day when he saw a car approach

A strapping young man stepped out of the car and approached the farmer confidently.

'Hello sir. My name's Dean, and I'm here to take Jean to the dairy Queen'

The farmer respects the lads courteous approach and says, 'Alright Jean off you go, you kids enjoy yourselves'. Not five minutes...

I hated working as a valet at the anti-vaxxer convention.

all i got was bunch of measly tips!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A few days after Christms, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her yoing son playing with his new train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "...

As a vet i dislike working with ducks

They keep calling me a quack

I made the resolution to wash 5 dishes every time I go into my kitchen and it's totally working!

I don't go in my kitchen anymore.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An electrician comes home to his wife after working a job at a millionaires house...

He says to his wife “honey you will not believe this, the house I worked at today had a golden toilet.”

She says “Really? I need to see this.”

They take a ride across the neighborhood and pull up in front of a huge house.

The electrician knocks on the door, a woman answers and ...

I don’t think the relationship with my phone is working out

We have no connection outside the house

They are working on a nuclear device in Hawaii

The Nukeulele

I've been working on getting a "dad bod"...

Now I can finally have a father figure.

The voice command system of my driverless car stopped working days ago.

It goes without saying..

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today my phone wasn’t working

My son took it and went outside.

Me: How come you took my phone outside?

Son:You know how it’s daytime right now?

Me:Yeah?

Son:It’s a homophone dad.

My fridge stopped working today...

It's so not cool!

What did the Nintendo Wii do when he stopped working?

Wii-tired

​

​

bonus: In Wii-sconsin

I recently started working for a charity that convinces local supermarkets to give us their expiring baked goods to donate to refugees and the local homeless. We're working in conjunction with local churches to help distribute donations. All of us are there voluntarily, after all..

It's a naan-prophet organization.

What did the Amish husband say to his wife when she got back from working out on the farm all day?

Amish you.

they say that antibiotics prevent birth control from working

I don't know, I've taken antibiotics before and my personality still did its usual job

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy got a job working at the FBI

After years of training and studying for this moment he got hired to work for the FBI. His first mission given to him was to make his way to New York at the Statue of Liberty to meet up with an informant for a sting operation. After arriving at the place and waiting for three hours he got tired, Ren...

I’ve been working on a film about menstruation in the 60s.

It’s a period piece.

A couple of friends got a job working security at the local cell phone dealer.

They're now the guardians of the Galaxy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Irishman applied for a job working with the local blacksmith.

“Have you ever shoed horses before?” the blacksmith asked him.

“No,” replied the Irishman, “but I did tell a donkey to fuck off once.”

I'm trying the cry it out method to get my kids sleeping, but it's not working...

I've been crying for three hours straight and they're still awake.

did i ever tell you about the time that i was contacted by a former partner who was working in italy via the money transfer service i was using?

I was not ready when my ex communicated by the paypal authority

A mortician was working late one night.

He was examining the body of a Mr.  Schwartz,  about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.   
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! 

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It ...

My friend was working on gluing two pieces of wood together and wondered to me how carpenters manage it so easily.

So I offered, "some add vise." ^^^Sorry ^^^for ^^^the ^^^pun, ^^^it's ^^^one ^^^of ^^^my ^^^vices

I think grammarly is not working

Otherwise it would have changed itself to 'Grammatically'

What did the communist say when his van stopped working

“I guess it’s stalin”

What do you call a picture of a wizard working at a Genius Bar?

An iMage.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does going down on your gf have in common with working for the mafia?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.

After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.

-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?

-Well -says the director-, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. I...

Did you hear that Jesus had to quit working out?

Yeah, he did crossfit for so long, it took him three days to recover

Paddy and Murphy are working on the building yard...

.... when a piece of slate from the roof falls off and takes paddys ear clean off. A few days later murphy is doing some work when he finds an ear on the floor.
Picking the ear up he shouts over to Paddy
"Ey, Paddy i think ive found your ear mate"
Paddy looks over and says "no thats not mi...

I don't know why, but my vanilla candle isnt working.

It just doesn't make any scents

I'm going to quit my job working on this submarine

I'm under a lot of pressure

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Blue Collar Joke

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers....

[First date] Her: So, what do you do? ... Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.

Her: Wow! That’s impressive!

Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.

A friend of mine is hard working person and last month he was fired from his job because he slept with one of his patient

He was a nice guy and a brilliant Vet

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

I must say that I completely support scientists working on discovering a real invisibility cloak.

I just want to make myself clear.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a man working at a stable auction at the end of the day?

A hoarse whisperer.

Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job

knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

Today while working at the bank, a little old lady came up to the counter and asked to check her balance

So I pushed her over

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a black man working without pay, against his wishes, because a white man said so?

A TSA agent, you fucking racist.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men were working on a beef ranch together

Their names are Ron and Mitch. They’re sitting down on a bench after working a few hours and Mitch has been chewing the whole day and he has a cup that he’s been spitting in, the cup is full to the brim with spit and mucus and saliva and he looks over to Ron and says “I’ll give you 20 bucks if you d...

Before my girlfriend walked out, she left a note on the fridge saying "This isn't working"

Which is weird, because the beer I pulled out after reading the note was pretty cold.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Construction Worker working alone

A construction worker works by himself on the twentieth floor of a building being built. Everything is going fine, until one day he realizes he needs a hand saw. Not having one, the closest worker with one is on the first floor, and since they have not yet installed an elevator, and 20th floor guy w...

Santa was working

And year after year, his workshop got expensive, so he started phasing out the elves with trolls. The trolls were larger and not quite as smart, but they were way cheaper and about 75% as effective. Santa didn't fire any elves, but as they got old and retired, he replaced them with trolls. Over the ...

Who earns his salary without working a single day?

A night watchman

You know one the main reasons Jeffrey Dahmer got caught was because his freezer stopped working and the smell became so bad the neighbors were complaining.

The cops came to his door and said "We heard you were keeping a bunch of spoiled brats in here"

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

How do you maintain your dignity working as an official for President Trump?

Acting!

Joe worked a office job working numbers. His wife is Larain. Joe hasn’t been in love with Larain for the past couple of years. He gets a new co worker named clearly and she is a dime piece. She sets next to him and after a couple of weeks they hit it off.

Clearly makes a pass at joe and let’s him know she likes him. Joe can’t leave his wife so he is in, a situation. A couple days later Joe is at work and his boss calls him in, he tells Joe that unfortunately his wife Larain has drove off a cliff and died. Joe to his bosses amazement lights up with jo...

A man from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin, who was working as a lawyer in California

They decided to go for a hike in Yellowstone Park. While they
were hiking they were attacked by a pair of ~~pairs~~ bears, a big male and a slightly shorter female.

The male bear quickly dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape. He ran straight to the n...

A man comes home to find his door lock is not working properly

He promptly unscrews the hinges, picks up the door and takes it to the market to repair the lock.

The locksmith asks *"If the door's here...what if someone walks into your house?"*

Confused, he replies *"How would anyone get in when I have the door?"*

A female janitor working at my office asked me if I wanted to chill after work and smoke some weed with her

I said no, I can’t deal with high maintenance women.

What's the difference between a urologist that has been working for one year and one that has been working for ten?

A vas deferens in experience.

How is working the fry station at McDonald's like studying Plato and Aristotle?

You really learn to appreciate ancient grease.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he is working in.

The intern walks past a room where a man is vigorously
masturbating nonstop. The intern asks the doctor giving the tour
why that man was doing such a thing out in the open.

The doctor says:"Oh, he has a medical condition where sperm builds up so quickly in his body, he has to masturba...

Two construction workers are working on a street

The first worker turns to the second and says,

“ I don’t want to work anymore, I will act crazy so the manager sends me home early”.

He then proceeds to tie himself by the feet and swings around shouting,

“ Im a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”

Sure enough, the manager te...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two girls are working on the cash registers at the grocery store

“You know, I can always tell the single men from the men in relationships.”

“How can you do that?”

“Watch. I’ll show you on the next customer.”

A man approaches the register with his shopping. A single tomato, a single pork chop, a single potato, a single tin of beans and a sing...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

During the US Government shutdown, obviously the US Mail is still working...

...because people keep posting the same shit again and again.

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburgers: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter,

"Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

​

"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.

​

"Well, wash your hands, **I want a cheeseburger."**

There's no zombies working in the White House.

Because there's no brains.

A man was working at a boat supply shop

He was a salesman

I recently quit working as a midwife to become a comedian...

Turns out my skillset is pretty transferable.
It’s all in the delivery.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man has job working in the produce department of a grocery store in Ontario

As he is putting the last grapefruit on top of a pyramid of fruit, an old woman walks up and grabs a grapefruit from the bottom of the pyramid. As the grapefruits all tumble to the ground, she says she'd like to buy half a grapefruit.

Frustrated, the man walks into another aisle to cool down,...

The government isn't working.

Have you tried turning it off and back on again?

Two blond guys were working for the city works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker w...

Approximately 56% of strippers are working their way through college.

This, according to the latest pole.

My Door Bell is not working

I deserve NoBell prize

[Long] One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage.

One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm currently working on an oral sex joke.

I'll give you a taste of what's to come.

Batman and the Joker are in the retirement home together, working on crafts projects. Batman looks at Joker's cross-stitch of the night sky and asks, "Why'd you leave out the Dog Star?" Joker answers...

"Why sew Sirius?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, little Johnny has a report due for government class...

He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this:

I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class.

So that night, little Johnny is trying ...

Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym.

After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.

One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"

The other said, "What for?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three nurses who were working in a morgue, discover a dead man with a hard on.

The 1st nurse says "I can't let that go to waste", and rides him.

The 2nd nurse does the same.

The 3rd nurse hesitates, and explains that she is on her period, but she does him anyway.

Then suddenly the man sits up, and the nurses quickly apologize, saying they thought he was de...

No one believed me at work that I had a working copy of Microsoft Office

It was my Word against theirs.

Found this one in the local paper and translated it

So an honest lawyer, a hard working politician and Santa are walking and they find a 100€ note on the ground. Who is going to pick it up?

Santa because the first two don't exist.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Working retail is a lot like constipation.

Because sometimes you just don't give a shit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Woman comes into an ice cream store and the kid working says, “hi, what can I get for you?”

The woman says, “I need a gallon of chocolate, a gallon of vanilla, and a gallon of strawberry ice cream please.”

The kid says, “I can do the vanilla and strawberry but we’re out of chocolate.”

Oh, “says the woman, disappointed. Then just get me a pint of chocolate, a pint of vanilla, ...

A young, former Kirby vacuum salesman from North Dakota starts working at a "everything under one roof" store in Florida...

Though the manager who interviewed him was nervous with only that one bit of work history he liked the kid so he decided to hire him. "You can start tomorrow and I'll check up on you by the end of the day and see how much you have sold."

​

The first day on the job was a bit ...

Say what you want about Putin but he's the world hardest working president,

He has to run two countries instead of one.

Allways pay attention when you're working around propellers

If you don't, you'll be mist.

After almost thirty years of working hard in school, applying myself at college, and training and serving in the Air Force my application to become an Astronaut was rejected.

Turns out my mom was right, if I apply myself the sky's the limit.

Not to say I have trouble working out...

But I sat on the rowing machine and it sank.

A grad student is working with his lab partner on a science project for his robot acoustics research

When the student says to his lab partner, “There seems to be something missing from our robot that is keeping the voice audio from converting into an electrical signal”.

The lab partner, in an effort to help his friend, heads down the street to the computer shop to see if he can figure out w...

So apparently Microsoft is working on a new Chromium-based web browser to replace the old ones..

Hooray! We'll finally have a decent web browser for downloading other web browsers.

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Working on the docks makes you tough as a c***

A lawyer was questioning a guy that assaulted someone at work. He was a dock worker.

Lawyer: So the person you assaulted said it started with you calling him a cunt.

Guy: I did not call him a cunt, I didn't even know what that word meant.

Lawyer: You did not know what cunt meant...

Why is Christmas the best time to start working out?

No time like the presents. :)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Working in Porn for free sex is like working in Chipotle for free buritos

Yeah you're getting paid but it destroys your asshole

What do you call a Sasquatch who loves working with clay?

A hairy potter.

Steven Spielberg is working on a movie about clocks which will be released summer 2020

It's about time.