Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

When you die, the last part of your body to stop working are your pupils.

They dilate.

I’ve been working on a Scandinavian joke.

It would be Swede if I could Finnish it, but right now there’s just Norway.

My girlfriend said that it wasn’t working out between us and that we should start seeing other people.

So I took her wheelchair. Just as I thought... She couldn’t stand to leave me.

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

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Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with a hard on.

The first nurse says, "I can't let that go to waste", and rides him. The second nurse does the same.

The third nurse hesitates and explains she is on her period, but decides to ride him anyways.

All of a sudden the man sits up and and the nurses apologize explaining how that thought ...

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls, and the souls of all your friends.

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

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Eating pussy is like working for the Mafia.

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

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I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer

Me: "Ok, this isn't working out"

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

2 blonds are working on bulding a house...

One blond is working on putting the nails in, on a side of a house. As the other blond watches, she sees her put a nail in, then throw one away, then throw away another one, and put one in... She repeats this for a while, then the other blond asks her "Why are you throwing away those nails?" she rep...

A man with one leg recently got a job working at a brewery.

He was put in charge of the hops.

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A baker and his wife finished working in their bakery for the day

The baker was bored from all the work and asked his wife for sex.

The wife refused to do it because she thought her husband was being too kneady.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

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A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.

In order the figures were:

1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.

After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a...

Working in a mirror factory is something...

I can totally see myself doing.

What did the Swiss man do after working 35 years as a Pepsi taste tester?

Peeecolaaa

Every generation thinks the next one is not as good or hard working.

I'm not sure that's true, but we'll see what those lazy, freeloading teenagers think of the generation after them.

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day.

He loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss but has a heavy German accent asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"

Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick- tock-tick-tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick......

Ford and Renault were working on a joint car project......

...where they combined the Renault Clio with the Ford Taurus.

They gave up when male test drivers couldn't find the car.

I'm working on a rap song about Drugs and Money

It's called "I can't afford that insulin"

“Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here”

“I never went to college”

“Oh sorry. Unfortunately you’re not qualified to work here”

Robin: The Batmobile isn't working.

Batman: Have you checked the battery?

Robin: Tery what?

Working in a bank is a very ungrateful job.

A lady asks me to check her balance. I politely said I sure will.

So I push her over, and they have the audacity to fire me!

A bartender is working one evening, when a panicked man comes charging into his bar.

"BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" he cries. "EVERYBODY RUN! BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!"

The bartender, having never heard that name before, is a little perplexed - even more so when all of his patrons start screaming and running out the door. In just a few moments, the bar is emptied out.

A minute afterwar...

Why is working at a Pork Sausage factory the worst job?

Because every day is Ground Hog day.

Don't stop working till your bank account looks like a phone number.

Hello, operator?

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

To me, working out is a drug.

I don’t do drugs.

God has been working very hard and needs a vacation

So Gabriel suggests he take a trip down to Earth, “After all,” says Gabriel, “You haven’t been there in forever and things have really been coming along.”

“Are you kidding me?” replies God, “Last time I went there, I banged some Jewish chick and they still haven’t stopped talking about it.”

Yesterday I was working on the farm when I saw a bunch of chickens just strutting around...

It was like poultry in motion.

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, saying “this isn’t working anymore”

I open the fridge and it’s working fine WTF

After working as a florist for a year, today I got fired.

They said I took too many leaves.

My first job was working in a slaughterhouse stunning cows...

Not bad looking sheep either...

I bought a lizard, Ernie, a while ago, and after two weeks he just stopped working.

I took Ernie to the vet, and they diagnosed him with ereptile dysfunction.

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A young hooker is working her first night on the streets...

She gets in her first car and drives off. An hour later, the car pulls up again and drops her off. The other girls on the corner ask her how her first trick went.

"Wow! He was a super hot marine, in town on leave for a couple weeks. Such an amazing body. He asked what my prices were. I told h...

Two men are working on a field...

the first one digs a hole, the second one fills it up again. A third man watched for a few minutes and then asks them what they are doing. The second man answers:"Usually there is another man who places tree saplings, but he got sick"

My wife and I agreed that if I ever quit working we would sever ties

Because I wouldn't have a use for them anymore.

Did you hear about the screenwriter who was so distracted from working on a screenplay in his head, he stepped into a crosswalk and got hit by a hit-and-run driver?

Another victim of a cross site scripting attack.

Two nurses are working at a children's hospital.

While they are checking on their patients, out of nowhere a man wearing doctor's clothing and sporting long hair and a beard shuffles into the ward. Without saying anything to the nurses, he moves around the room, healing all the kids with a few words and hand gestures. He then just as quickly leave...

My battery powered dinosaur toy has stopped working.

I guess it just has a bad case of e-reptile dysfunction.

What do you call a group of electrons working as spies between atoms

Bond, Covalent bond

What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?

Guardians of the Galaxy.

A puffer fish went to a surgeon because his puffer mechanism wasn’t working right.

When he got back he talked with his fish friends for a bit.

They asked him, “How did your surgery go? Did they fix your puffer?”

He replied, “It went *swell*.”

Started working from home recently building boats in my attic...

Sails are through the roof.

3 rednecks were working on a cell tower...

Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.'


Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do ...

Walking through town, a guy on a corner offered to draw a picture of me and my wife and showed me some of the other things he was working on...

...I would have bought one, but his portfolio was super sketchy.

The wheels on patrol car constantly end up falling off before I even make it back to the station. The boss asks if I’m working too hard

I said I’m working tirelessly.

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A guy is working a his desk when he hears a voice in his head that says “sell all your stuff and go to Las Vegas” the man is startled by this and asks his co-works if they heard that voice.

No one else hears it. Soon he hears it again.
“sell all your stuff and go to Las Vegas”

After a few days it’s happening non stop!
“sell all your stuff and go to Las Vegas”

Finally, the man gives in. He sells everything he owns and books a flight to Las Vegas. As soon as he gets ...

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What do you do when the dishwasher stops working?

You slap her ass and tell her to get back to work.

Why wasn’t Groot any good at working undercover?

Everybody could tell he was a plant

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

I enjoy working with waiters

they bring a lot to the table

I have been working on this roadwork joke for a while

But its not quite finished yet.

A magician is working on a cruise ship...(long)

A magician is working on a cruise ship where he performs every night right after a circus act. As he amazes the audience, the animals sit on the side of the stage and watch. After months of the same show, a parrot gets bored and decides to have some fun.

At the end of each trick the parrot r...

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The other day I saw a big-breasted bikini barista working in a coffee stand

So I pull into the drive through and order a small coffee, just as an excuse to get a closer look at her 36DD boobs. She hands me the coffee & says "That'll be $9!"



Shocked I asked her why it costs so much. She shrugged & responded "All drink prices are based on cup size."...

A man working at the Federal Reserve

A man working at the Federal Reserve was hired to manufacture pennies. On his first day, the supervisor walked him around the manufacturing area.

“This first machine melts down large blocks of metal. The liquid metal is then poured into a mold that makes a smaller block. That smaller block ...

I hated working as a valet at the anti-vaxxer convention.

all i got was bunch of measly tips!

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A retired Italian man is working away in his garden when he finds a mysterious old lamp

He picks up and lamp and rubs it, and out pops a genie. The genie explains to him that he only gets one wish, so he should think on it and make it a good one. The man thinks for a few moments before saying "my wife and I love to drink wine, I'd like to be able to make the best wine in the world!" th...

Working on the computer is like driving a submarine.

Once you open windows, the problems begin.

I tried working as an executioner

I just couldn't get a hang on it

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A few days after Christms, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her yoing son playing with his new train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "...

Jim the security Guard is working at the Mexican/American border, and stops a car at a checkpoint.

The driver shows the guard his license, visa, and passport, but is clearly nervous and is sweating bullets. Jim pops the trunk open to reveal four large bags. He opens them, only to reveal that each and everyone of them is filled with dirt.



One week later, Jim stops the same driver. O...

Why did the firefighter stop working?

He got too burnt out

An employee is working at Mcdonald's

Employee: McWelcome to McDonald's, can i take your McOrder?
Boss: you don't have to put "Mc" in front of every word you know
Employee: Hello and welcome to Donald's

I can't stand working on roofs

Apparently I have truss issues

A farmer was working out in the field with his three daughters one day when he saw a car approach

A strapping young man stepped out of the car and approached the farmer confidently.

'Hello sir. My name's Dean, and I'm here to take Jean to the dairy Queen'

The farmer respects the lads courteous approach and says, 'Alright Jean off you go, you kids enjoy yourselves'. Not five minutes...

A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.

After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.

-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?

-Well -says the director-, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. I...

I got mad and threw my mouse at the wall because it wasn’t working..

I don’t know why the people at the vet are giving me that look.

Working on an underfunded TV show is really hard

All those involved deserve some props

I'm pretty sure my pet birds have been working together to steal my snacks at night.

I'm not 100% but I do suspect fowl play.

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An electrician comes home to his wife after working a job at a millionaires house...

He says to his wife “honey you will not believe this, the house I worked at today had a golden toilet.”

She says “Really? I need to see this.”

They take a ride across the neighborhood and pull up in front of a huge house.

The electrician knocks on the door, a woman answers and ...

My computer mouse isn't working properly

It could type paragraphs, but now it's just randomly slamming its tiny paws on the keyboard.

If a mole working within the FBI were to come up with a joke what kind would it be?

An inside joke.

What did the dog say after working out?

That was Ruff!

Went to the gym earlier, and while working out I noticed a hole in my trainer... just big enough to get my finger in.

Anyway....she filed a formal complaint and I'm banned for life

One day a mechanic was working under a car

And some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting," he thought. The next day, he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "It was pretty good, really. I think I'll have a little more today."


His friend was a little concerned but didn't say anything....

[First date] Her: So, what do you do? ... Him: I’m working to eliminate all cancers.

Her: Wow! That’s impressive!

Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.

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An Irishman applied for a job working with the local blacksmith.

“Have you ever shoed horses before?” the blacksmith asked him.

“No,” replied the Irishman, “but I did tell a donkey to fuck off once.”

I made the resolution to wash 5 dishes every time I go into my kitchen and it's totally working!

I don't go in my kitchen anymore.

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Blue Collar Joke

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers....

What did the Nintendo Wii do when he stopped working?

Wii-tired





bonus: In Wii-sconsin

As a vet i dislike working with ducks

They keep calling me a quack

I recently started working for a charity that convinces local supermarkets to give us their expiring baked goods to donate to refugees and the local homeless. We're working in conjunction with local churches to help distribute donations. All of us are there voluntarily, after all..

It's a naan-prophet organization.

They are working on a nuclear device in Hawaii

The Nukeulele

Did you hear that Jesus had to quit working out?

Yeah, he did crossfit for so long, it took him three days to recover

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Today my phone wasn’t working

My son took it and went outside.

Me: How come you took my phone outside?

Son:You know how it’s daytime right now?

Me:Yeah?

Son:It’s a homophone dad.

What did the communist say when his van stopped working

“I guess it’s stalin”

The voice command system of my driverless car stopped working days ago.

It goes without saying..

I'm trying the cry it out method to get my kids sleeping, but it's not working...

I've been crying for three hours straight and they're still awake.

I'm going to quit my job working on this submarine

I'm under a lot of pressure

I’ve been working on a film about menstruation in the 60s.

It’s a period piece.

I've been working on getting a "dad bod"...

Now I can finally have a father figure.

A mortician was working late one night.

He was examining the body of a Mr.  Schwartz,  about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.   
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! 

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It ...

My fridge stopped working today...

It's so not cool!

What did the Amish husband say to his wife when she got back from working out on the farm all day?

Amish you.

I don't know why, but my vanilla candle isnt working.

It just doesn't make any scents

they say that antibiotics prevent birth control from working

I don't know, I've taken antibiotics before and my personality still did its usual job

My friend was working on gluing two pieces of wood together and wondered to me how carpenters manage it so easily.

So I offered, "some add vise." ^^^Sorry ^^^for ^^^the ^^^pun, ^^^it's ^^^one ^^^of ^^^my ^^^vices

Before my girlfriend walked out, she left a note on the fridge saying "This isn't working"

Which is weird, because the beer I pulled out after reading the note was pretty cold.

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