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Messaged Jokes

Girlfriend messaged me: "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

What does 'ternative' mean?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My crush just messaged me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" means?

My girlfriend messaged me to say she’s breaking up with me because I’m too childish. So I marched over to her house, rang her door bell and ran away

That’ll teach her

5 years ago, I messaged a random person on Facebook, asking for a date. Today, I asked them to marry me.

They said no both times.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy just messaged me.

He said he wanted to meet me in the woods to compare cocks.


I thought what a Fucking weirdo.


He never showed up!

The other day my friend messaged by saying “bro I have two pieces of bad news for you.” I told him to combine them.

He replied with “your girlfriend is cheating on both of us.”

An old school friend messaged me on Facebook saying I could get rich by selling Egyptian artefacts

Turned out it was just a pyramid scheme

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother just messaged me "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Autocorrect has once again fucked me over. I just accidentally messaged my mate asking if he fancied a wank down the river...

Bastard. I meant canal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My hot ex from high school messaged me saying she’ll be in town for a day, but it just so happens to be on my fathers birthday.

So now I have to choose between the person I lost my virginity to, or my ex-girlfriend.

A friend messaged me some encouraging words today...

What a thoughtful friend I thought as I read the words he wrote to me. It wasn't until I finished that I realized what he wanted in return...

"See The Bright Side.

Everyone Has Some Good In Them.

Never Go To Bed Mad.

Distrust Will Kill Any Relationship.

New Things ...

A man messaged his ex : Just now ate a tuna taco and suddenly you came in my mind “

She messaged him back : “ just now ordered a mini hot dog , it came in just 2 minutes. Suddenlu you came in my mind “

Wife messaged to her husband

During a cold winter day a wife messaged to her husband that “the Windows frozen”.

Husband replied to pour some warm water on them.
After a while husband received a message again “No way, the computer is completely spoilt now”!

Humorists of Reddit! I challenge your joke inventing skills! First comment gives the punch line; the reply is the rest of the joke!

edit: Thanks guys for some hilarious jokes! Keep 'em coming. I wanted to let you know that I've messaged the mods about this thread. Maybe it could be a weekly thread? Who knows.

A guy was admitted to the hospital and he fell in love with the nurse.

She used to take care of him and very nice to him. Always checking up on him and giving him extra attention compared to other patients. Therefore, the guy thought that the nurse was into him as well.

The guy was shy and couldn't ask the nurse out on date. But after he was discharged, he someh...

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