The 78+ Best Text Jokes

My wife texted "I'm leaving you"

And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."

I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."

I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"

A m...

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

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My girlfriend just text me, 'thespacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative'

Anybody know what 'ternative' means?

Never Text an Apology

THE ORIGINAL TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a
confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few
months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to
your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t l...

A guy texts his neighbor...

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:

"Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. ...

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foo...

My friend text me 'what are you doing now?'

I replied 'Probably failing my driving test'.

A wife texts her husband

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are
sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If
you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you
are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"
The husband, typically n...

Found in my Physics text book.

A man lives in a foreign country, and his job is to operate the train that connects one town to another. He is not very good at his job, and he is also very greedy. Since his income does not meet his expenses, he decides to steal from his passengers' fares. At first he steals only a little. However,...

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According to my mom this is the first joke I ever told [NSFW text]

It's a warm summer day and an elderly gentleman and his wife are driving down the highway. They are in the midst of a heated argument; his wife has accused him of adultery. Although he is vigilantly defending his honor she is convinced that he has been cheating on her. Back and forth they shout, get...

Middle age texting

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted:

If you are sleeping, sen...

I saw a lady texting and driving today

I was furious. I rolled down my window, and threw my beer at her.

Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home

I guess he's homeless.

My girlfriend texted me that the relationship cannot continue because I played too much video games.

Looks like it was my Destiny 2 break up with her.

I TEXTED MY BOSS...

"What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?...

HE ANSWERED: "I don't know?"

I REPLIED: "I'm not coming in this morning!"

Got a text message today from a "bored housewife 33, looking for some action!"

I've sent her my laundry, that'll keep her busy.

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I was devastated when I got a text from my wife telling me I was crap in bed.

It’s ok though, turns out she got the wrong number.

Little Johnny wanted to send a text to his nan

Mom gave him her phone and told him to write a beautifull text, Nan would appreciate it.

After a little time she checked up on him and looked at what he was typing.

It was a nice and thoughtfull text, but it was in all-caps.

Mom asked little Johnny why he wrote in all-caps and h...

My mom told me, “Son, don’t text and drive. You could die.”

I said, “Mom, don’t worry, I never text when I’m drunk.”

Normally the wife picks up our four kids at school, but today she sent me a text, "Working late. Please pick up kids <3"

It was really hard deciding which two to leave behind.

Sometimes I read text and think, what a psycho.

Then I press send.

So the Pope goes down into a deep vault below the Vatican, where they keep the most ancient sacred texts.

Scholarly Priests spend decades examining these handwritten scrolls for translation errors. The Pope finds one of them hard at work and asks if he has found anything.

"Why yes, your Excellency. Look here, where we have always thought it said 'smite', but there's an 'R' there, it clea...

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One line jokes? [NSFW - Text]

I wanna hear some short one liner jokes.

Here's some copy pasta that i like:
I got my wife slippers and a dildo for her B-day. If she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself.

She texted me: "Your adorable."

I replied: "No. You're adorable."

Now she likes me. All I did was correct her typo.

What did the Irishman text his Wife?

"Honey I'm down at the pub having a pint with the lads. Be home in about 30 min. If I'm not back by then please read this message again."

What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book?

Look, buddy, I've already got a lot of problems, and I really don't need any of your drama.

Why doesn’t Putin use his own hands when he sends a text?

‘Cause he’s more of a dictator.

Why should you never text the undead?

They always end up ghosting you.

the joke is in the text below.

so i was walking down my neighboorhood and saw a kid in bad condition, with rags and all that.

i said "are you an orphan"?

the kid thought and hesitated and finally said, "yeah, what gave me away"?

i said, "your parents".

My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool.

I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

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A man texts his ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend - "Hey, how do you like this USED pussy?"

And gets a reply - "Thanks for asking! It feels brand new after first 2 inches".

What’s a sheep’s favourite holy text?

The Baa-ble.

She texted me: “your adorable” I responded saying “no. YOU’RE adorable”

Now she thinks I like her even though I was just correcting her grammar.

My friend sent me a text saying he was feeling down and wanted to hear a joke to cheer him up

I told “Don’t worry, I’ll tell you a joke later, I’m with my girlfriend right now.”

He said “That was a good one, keep them coming!”

A Text From Mom

A mom sent a text to her son...
“Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?”
The son replied: “I Don’t Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later.”
The mom replied back to him: “It’s ok, don’t worry about it. I’ll ask your sister, love you too.”

I was taking a break at work when I got a weird text from my wife...

"HoneyIcan'tusethespacebaronmyphoneandnowallmytextslooklikethis!Pleasegivemeanalternative!"

I rushed home as fast as I could, but what's a ternative?

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If I see one more asshole texting and driving...

I’m going to roll my window down and throw my beer at them.

This idiot beside me was texting and driving on the expressway

How irresponsible and dangerous. I was so mad I put my window down and threw my beer at him.

On my way home from work saw a man texting while driving..

Knowing how dangerous this can be I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window and threw my beer at him.

Next time someone texts you to say "call me"...

Call them to say "text me". And just hang up.

My son is studying to become a lawyer, so I texted him, "If you tickle a man to death by accident, is it considered..."

"...manslaughter?!"

A hot girl texted me "Come over, no one's home"

So i went over...
And no one's home

My heart sank when i received a text from my gf " I can't take this anymore,let's break up "

You can imagine the tears of joy I had when i received a follow up message

"Sorry ,wrong number"

So, your schizophrenic lover breaks up with you with a text, it says:

"I've been seeing someone..."

I've been texting this cute dyslexic girl.

I think she likes me, but she keeps sending mixed messages.

I got pulled over for texting while driving

Officer: Sir, you know you're not supposed to be using your phone while driving, don't you?

Me: Well officer, I guess we all make mistakes when we've been drinking.

Text conversation between father and daughter

Daughter: Dad, I have a new boyfriend!

Dad: And I have a new gun

Daughter: I don't see how this is connected

Dad: Hopefully neither will the cops

A lot of people text while driving.

I’m not excusing it, but we’ve all done things we regret while we’re drunk.

My dad sent me a random text asking what type of lube do I use

I responded, “K…Y?”

A blonde got a text message from someone

they wrote "we have your kid"

the blonde wrote "what is your demands

and they wrote "have you lost your mind the daycare is closing soon"

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Some girl texted me the space button on her phone is broke

She texted "thespacebuttononmyphoneisbrokencanyoupleasegivemeanalternative" Can someone please tell me what ternative means.

I hate when I'm driving and I see people text and drive.

It makes me want to throw my beer can at them.

The creator of predictive text died today

His funfair is next monkey

A man crashes his car

When the cops arrive on the scene , he is protesting loudly that it’s this woman’s fault. “Officer, she was texting on her phone and drinking a beer!”
The officer replied “Sir, she can do whatever she wants in her living room”.

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Today was the worst day of my life...

First, my doctor tells me I'm dyslexic. Then, my wife texts me saying she's looking to spice up our sex life by doing Alan. Who the fuck is Alan?!

Please practice safe text.

Use a comma & you won’t miss a period.

My boss texted me "Send me a funny joke"

I texted him back "Sorry, boss, I'm working at the moment, I'll send you one later."
He replied back "That was fantastic, send me another!"

I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me when she texted me saying

I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me when she texted me saying "I'm out for dinner with my friend Emma" because Emma was lying beside me in bed

My girlfriend texted me it wasn't working our and we needed to break up

Don't worry, she explained me that it was meant for someone else

My wife sent me a text, "Your great".

So, naturally, I wrote back, "No, you're great".

She's been walking around all happy and smiling.

Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or leave it?

What text emojis do spiders use when they are happy?

::::D

What does a tree say when texting?

I.M. Groot

I tried to order a table from IKEA, but I misplaced an umlaut in my search text. I got a couch instead.

So close, yet sofa.

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Autocorrect is a bitch. I just texted my pal if he wanted to go for a wank by the river.

I meant the canal.

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After sexy time, the man receives a text message. The woman asks "Who's texting?"

He replies "My wife. She says she's at the movies with you."

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A young monk joins a monastery

He enters the building and is greeted with a sight of many hardworking monks rigorously copying from seemingly new manuscripts onto paper. He makes his way through the busy scene and heads to the head monk's quarters.

The head monk greets the new monk warmly and shows him to his writing stat...

My boyfriend has dandruff.

"My boyfriend has dandruff. What's the best way to remove it?" I texted my mother.

She replied, "Just give him Head & Shoulders."

20 minutes later.

I texted my mother back, "Okay. Now how do I give the shoulders?"

I'm furious. My girlfriend just text me saying she's about to "do" some guy at a charity event she's at.

Who the hell is this Nate?

My ex-wife just texted me, “I wish you were here”

She does this every time she’s in a cemetery.

In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.

And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.

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I texted my wife a picture of my flaccid penis.

I wanted to let her know I was thinking about her.

Husband sent a text to wife at night

Husband sent a text to wife at night,
“Hi I will get late, plz try and wash all my dirty clothes
And make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return.”
He sent another text, “I forgot to tell u that I got an increase in
My salary at the end of month I’m getting u a new car”
She ...

What does "IDK" on a text message mean?

No one that I've asked seems to know!

What is it with people who text and drive?

I swear to god the next time I see this happen, I'll roll down my window and throw my beer at them.

I got a text from my wife saying "Grandma is keeping the baby tonight, you wanna smash as soon as you get home?"

Never before have I been disappointed to come home and find my wife naked and wearing high heels.

I texted my mom at 5am telling her trump won, she asked why I was up so early.

I told her "I don't know. Maybe the sound of my health insurance flying away woke me up."

A husband texts his wife from the office, "Hey Hon! Can you please throw my dirty clothes in the laundry?"

Several minutes passed and there was no response so he texted back.

"Oh I forgot to mention that I got a huge bonus! I really think we can get you that new car at the end of the month!"

"OMG!!!!! Are you serious?!!", she texted back.

"Nah, I just wanted to make sure you got my f...

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Superman went to a Halloween party

Someone was dressed as a Bitcoin.

Someone dressed as a Dogecoin.

Someone else dressed asEthereum.

Superman was pissed.

He didn't realize it was gonna be a Crypto night.

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