In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.

And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.

Wife gets a text from husband saying "I think we should break up."

The wife, very confused, says to the husband, "You know I live with you. If you wanted to separate, you could have walked over and told me."

The husband replies, "Sorry babe. Wrong person."

Let’s see if this translates to text

A man is at the bar. He starts choking on his martini. When he stops coughing the bartender asks if he's all right. To which he replies “Olive”

My girlfriend texted me it wasn't working our and we needed to break up

Don't worry, she explained me that it was meant for someone else

My wife sent me a text, "Your great".

So, naturally, I wrote back, "No, you're great".

She's been walking around all happy and smiling.

Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or leave it?

I was texting this nun and things were getting pretty heated. Then out of nowhere she stopped replying.

I can’t believe she holy ghosted me

Please practice safe text.

Use a comma & you won’t miss a period.

I used to date a girl whose could text unbelievably fast. Her fingers moved like lightning! But then she ran away and stole my old Jaguar

I wish you could have seen my X Type

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A new monk arrives at the monastery ...

He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be...

Max receives a text from his neighbor.

Hi Max, its Richard from next door, I've been riddled with guilt for months and have been trying to build up the courage to tell you face to face but i couldn't. When your not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently....

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Due to covid I broke up with my gf via text message

She texted back that was unacceptable as she shouted "asshole" through the bathroom door.

I'm furious. My girlfriend just text me saying she's about to "do" some guy at a charity event she's at.

Who the hell is this Nate?

My wife just sent me this text: "Thespacebaronmykeyboardstoppedworking.canyoupleasegivemeanalternativewhenyougethometonight?"

Pretty excited... but does anyone know what "ternative" means?

On a cold winter's morning

Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:

"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:

"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

"Computer is really screwed up now.”

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BOSS: care to explain the text I got last night?

**ME:** OMG I’m so embarrassed, it was autocorrect

**BOSS:** autocorrect wrote “fuck you and you’re stupid job”?

**ME:** yeah it’s supposed to say "your"

Spelling counts

Waiting on a Zoom call to start, but were having technical issues. Client texted and said, "please bare with me." Thought it was an odd request, but she's the client. Eventually we got the video to work, but now I'm fired.

I went on a blind date with a real gorgeous girl.

I told her to text me when she arrived home.

That was three days ago, I guess she must be homeless.

I smoked some pot, and then texted my girlfriend, “We need to see other people.”

I wanted to end it on a high note.

What did kim jong un text his girlfriend?

Send nukes

This Just in! Over $20,000 dollars in college text books stolen!

Local Police say they have a lead and hope to recover both books.

My wife texted "I'm leaving you"

And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."

I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."

I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"

A m...

My ex wife just texted me, "Wish you were here"

She does this everytime she passes by a cemetery

Husband Sent A Text To His Wife At Night

“Hi I Will Get Late, Please Try And Wash All My Dirty Clothes And Make Sure You Prepare My Favorite Dish Before I Return..!”

(No response from his wife)

. . . . He Sent Another Text, “And I Forgot To Tell You That I Got An Increase In My Salary At The End Of The Month I’m Getting You ...

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Here’s a joke my little brother told me.

A man find out his wife of 3 years has been cheating on him so he hires an assassin to take her and her side piece out. The assassin agrees to the job no questions asked but let’s the man know that each bullet will cost him 5 grand but he never misses. The husband just wants his wife dead and agrees...

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?

All the women raised their hands.


Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love y...

I told a girl to text me when she got home

She must be homeless..

A Wife texted her husband:

A wife texted her husband: “Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office, and Juanita says hi to you.”

Husband: Who is Juanita?

Wife: Nobody, I was just making sure you read my message.

Husband: But I’m with Juanita right now, so which Juanita are you talking...

My girlfriend texted me that we were breaking up.

I was relieved when she said, “Sorry, wrong number.”

Written jokes are bullocks

They’re basically text tickles

Chunks

My friend was just promoted at his job, so he wanted to go celebrate at the bar. Being the good friend, I said: "Sure, I'll be the designated driver and you can drink as much as you want!" He drank and drank and drank all night long! When he was barely able to stand up and walk, I decided it's t...

Posted this on FB, People thought I was serious. When I thought of it I had a good laugh

Yo! I heard Coronavirus is now transmittable through the phone! Text too!
They say it’s piggybacking on the 5G!

A popular joke within the Jewish community: Four Rabbis are arguing late at night over a passage of the Talmud

Three of the four rabbis argue that the text proves humanity is inherently evil. The fourth rabbi argues that human consciousness means we can choose all of our actions without moral disposition.
After three more hours of arguing, the fourth rabbi shouts, “ADONAI, IF I AM CORRECT, GIVE ME A SIGN!...

My girlfriend just texted me saying I’m a bad kisser

Wait a minute, I’m getting another text. She said “oops, wrong person”

Thank god there is nothing wrong with our relationship

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Things I do to piss off my wife

Sext her out of nowhere and then text back right away “sorry wrong person”

A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband replied, "I am on the toilet. Please advise."

I guess I'm funny

My boss just texted me: “Send me one of your funny jokes!”
I texted him back: “I’m busy working. I’ll send one later.”
“That’s hilarious,” he said. “Send another one!”

My girlfriend texted me "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

Anybody know what "ternative" means?

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My girlfriend always asks me to text her when I get in.

That’s how small my cock really is.

Boss sends a text to worker: You are good with jokes write me one

Worker: I can't, i'm working.
Boss: Good one, one more.

The guy who invented predictive text died last night.

**His funfair is next monkey.**

She texted me: “your adorable” I responded saying “no. YOU’RE adorable”

Now she thinks I like her even though I was just correcting her grammar.

Your cat climbed up a tree

One day, my girlfriend went on a trip and left me in charge of her cat.


Two days later, the cat ran away from home and was hit by a car, dying on the spot.
I called my girlfriend and gave her the news:


\- Hello Darling. Your cat is dead.


She burst into te...

I was Washingtons of clothes when...

Adams-el in distress ran up to me and said her boyfriend Jefferson was being not nice and even though I was a bit Madison at the guy I couldn’t help but give her retreat, and boy, she was such a Monroe!

My friend Jack’s son decided to do a van burying on me I was having a leisurely drive. He ...

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand

After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.

"If someone makes a mistake" he points out "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made"

A bit s...

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The measurement

Got this text from my brother recently. 
It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? 

The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. 

It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

My parents are really mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and right

Bottom Text because you can't post title only jokes

A man is sitting in the hospital with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.

Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"

Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"

Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. T...

She texted me: "Your adorable."

I replied: "No. You're adorable."

Now she likes me. All I did was correct her typo.

A man received the following text message from his neighbor:

*"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.*

*I have been tapping your wife all the time. I'm not getting any at my house, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt.*

*I hope you will accept my sincerest apology, along with my promise that ...

This idiot beside me was texting and driving on the expressway

How irresponsible and dangerous. I was so mad I put my window down and threw my beer at him.

My girlfriend texted me that the relationship cannot continue because I played too much video games.

Looks like it was my Destiny 2 break up with her.

370HSSV-0773H

Is what my Australian ex girlfriend texted me.

My woman left me because I spend too much time on reddit

Little did she know when she sent the break up text that I already read it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I see one more asshole texting and driving...

I’m going to roll my window down and throw my beer at them.

Brother Mark arrives at the monastery where he intends to devote his life to servitude to the Lord.

When he arrives, he discovers that the other brothers are creating new books by copying from previous copies.

So he asks Brother John, 'Do you ever proofread these copies against the original? How do you know that someone isn’t copying a mistake?

Brother John ponders this and decides, ...

My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool.

I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

My ex-wife just texted me, “I wish you were here”

She does this every time she’s in a cemetery.

Sad to report that the inventor of predictive text has passed away

His funfair will be held next Monkey

Every time someone is arrested for a crime in Florida, they have to write a long text file describing their motivations for the crime and how it was carried out, so the police can add it to their registry.

Which is why all the stuff that happens in Florida seems so weird without the con-text.

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foo...

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How can you tell the difference between a Protestant and a Catholic? Ask them to name the books of the bible.

If you listen carefully, you'll notice that the protestant answer excludes the duetrocanonical texts, such as Tobit and Judith, while the catholic answer will be "How the fuck should I know? There's like 50 of them. Piss off."

When I was in college...

I liked a girl very much but I was afraid to approach her.One day my friend suggested to write my cellphone number on dollar bill and give it to her. I did likewise and told her it was dropped from her wallet.
The girl took it and went straight to the college cafe. She bought a burger and gave th...

There is literally no way to convey sarcasm through text

/s

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to ask my phone directions to the hospital.

It’s reply was, “Keep texting and driving, asshole.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was devastated when I got a text from my wife telling me I was crap in bed.

It’s ok though, turns out she got the wrong number.

So I'm at the nuclear missile facility and my boyfriend texts me "Hey Anna, wanna come over? ;)"

The general asks me for target coordinates for a missile launch so I do a search.

Using satellite imaging, I find the perfect spot and fire straight away.

Me: "General, we've launched a nuclear strike at these coordinates."

He looks at me in extreme confusion.

General: "W...

My friend text me 'what are you doing now?'

I replied 'Probably failing my driving test'.

I got a text from my wife saying "Grandma is keeping the baby tonight, you wanna smash as soon as you get home?"

Never before have I been disappointed to come home and find my wife naked and wearing high heels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Autocorrect is a bitch. I just texted my pal if he wanted to go for a wank by the river.

I meant the canal.

BREAKING NEWS

The inventor of predictive text was injured in a traffic accident.

He's been bacon by ambience to the horse piddle.

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