So the Pope goes down into a deep vault below the Vatican, where they keep the most ancient sacred texts.

Scholarly Priests spend decades examining these handwritten scrolls for translation errors. The Pope finds one of them hard at work and asks if he has found anything.


"Why yes, your Excellency. Look here, where we have always thought it said 'smite', but there's an 'R' there, it clea...

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Me texting that girl that i like

Me: nose

Crush: what?

Me: i used my nose to type *nose*

Crush: haha

Crush: penis

There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

I sent my wife a text.

Hi Honey, just going for a couple of beers with the lads,

Be about 2 hours.


If I am not back in 2 hours, read the text again.

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Autocorrect is a nuisance. I texted my friend to see if he wanted to go for a wank down by the river.

I meant the canal

My wife just text me: “What does IDK stand for?”. “I Don’t Know.” I replied

A short time later she replied: “OMG! Nobody does!”

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…

She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

I remember the day my Ex sent me a breakup text, my mom asked me what I was reading.

I told her:

''Tips to cook delicious food.”

And then she asked me why I was crying. I answered:

"I have reached where they are cutting onions."

My friend sent me a blank text.

His message was quite clear.

Two people texting

Person 1: I dont like my life, I'm gonna do it

Person 2: don't

Person 1: don't try to stop me

Person 2: I wasn't, I was correcting your spelling

What does a tree say when texting?

I.M. Groot

A guy texts his neighbor...

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:

‟Bob, I am sorry.. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you'er not around, prbably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer....

Colleague from work has just texted saying he’s caught Covid from his cat.

Don’t ask meow

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Middle Class Sexting.

So this girl I'm seeing sent me a picture of herself in a crotchless leather catsuit she'd bought from Marks and Sparks, she then proceeded to text exactly what she would do to me in it. That wasn't just any sex text. That was an M&S S&M MMS and SMS.

I mistakenly swallowed Paracetamol, my wife quickly text our doctor

My wife : My husband just swallowed a Paracetamol by mistake. What should I do ?


Doctor : Give him a headache now, why waste medicine!

Let’s see if this translates to text

A man is at the bar. He starts choking on his martini. When he stops coughing the bartender asks if he's all right. To which he replies “Olive”

My wife sent me a text, "Your great".

So, naturally, I wrote back, "No, you're great".

She's been walking around all happy and smiling.

Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or leave it?

In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.

And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.

My girlfriend texted me "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

Anybody know what ‟ternative” means?

My mother texts me when I’m out with my friends

Me: can I hang out with some friends?

Her: sure, are you gonna eat out tonight?

Me: who’s tonight?

Jerry Clower joke (Uncle Vercy`s Trial)

Since I couldn't find this joke in text form anywhere I took the time to type it out myself lol (No Spell Check)

Flew from Los Angeles California to Des Moines did a show there in the civic center. Then to Minneapolis Minnesota, Its 28 Degrees below 0 I slept between the mattresses. Then I l...

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My new medication is crap

The prescription text reads "take a teaspoon twice a day". So I did for a week.

I'm out of teaspoons now and I have a tummy ache.

I tried to order a table from IKEA, but I misplaced an umlaut in my search text. I got a couch instead.

So close, yet sofa.

What text emojis do spiders use when they are happy?

::::D

Technology is the death of us

DEAR NEIGHBOR:


Hi, George. This is Richard, next door. I've a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text. I can't live with myself a minute longer without your...

My wife texted "I'm leaving you"

And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."

I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."

I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"

A m...

Came up with a Joke, thought I'd share

As the title says, here's a Joke I came up with, it works better when talking then in text form, but I still say it's alright.
So, in 1832, an American who had moved to Ontario had been hunting wild game.

Now, he hadn't bothered with the paper work for a license, as he thought it was rem...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new monk arrives at the monastery

He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies of the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this, worried that there may be errors The head monk says, "We have been copying from the...

My crush texted " come to my house right way, nobody's at home"

I went there as fast as I could and she was right.

It was dark and noone was there.

What does "IDK" on a text message mean?

No one that I've asked seems to know!

English is not my first language.

My American girlfriend texted me, "myspacebarisstuckpleasegiveanalternative"

What is a ternative?

Wife gets a text from husband saying "I think we should break up."

The wife, very confused, says to the husband, "You know I live with you. If you wanted to separate, you could have walked over and told me."

The husband replies, "Sorry babe. Wrong person."

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

My brother went to prison after robbing a bank but the police never found the money.

He managed to get access to a cellphone and kept sending me cryptic messages about where he hid the money. Eventually, I found it. When my wife asked me how I found it, I explained:

“I followed the con-text clues.”

My girlfriend texted me it wasn't working our and we needed to break up

Don't worry, she explained me that it was meant for someone else

Why did the chicken cross only half of the road?

Because I was busy texting.

Please practice safe text.

Use a comma & you won’t miss a period.

I told a girl to text me when she got home

She must be homeless..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to covid I broke up with my gf via text message

She texted back that was unacceptable as she shouted "asshole" through the bathroom door.

I'm furious. My girlfriend just text me saying she's about to "do" some guy at a charity event she's at.

Who the hell is this Nate?

My wife just sent me this text: "Thespacebaronmykeyboardstoppedworking.canyoupleasegivemeanalternativewhenyougethometonight?"

Pretty excited... but does anyone know what "ternative" means?

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

Men only want one thing

From the Missing-the-point department:

Text from her: “Men only want one thing, and it’s disgusting!”

Text from him: “Wash it then?”

When I'm bored...

I text a random number and say "I hid the body now what".

Carnival is offering a single day trip guaranteed to leave all your worries behind.

It's called a Ted Cruz

Full credit to my dad who just texted me this.

I get so lonely on the weekends....

that I log into all my online accounts so my phone text tone goes off with authentication codes that I can pretend are my friends texting me.

She texted me: “your adorable” I responded saying “no. YOU’RE adorable”

Now she thinks I like her even though I was just correcting her grammar.

My girlfriend texted me that we were breaking up.

I was relieved when she said, “Sorry, wrong number.”

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foo...

My girlfriend texted me that the relationship cannot continue because I played too much video games.

Looks like it was my Destiny 2 break up with her.

She texted me: "Your adorable."

I replied: "No. You're adorable."

Now she likes me. All I did was correct her typo.

This Just in! Over $20,000 dollars in college text books stolen!

Local Police say they have a lead and hope to recover both books.

My ex wife just texted me, "Wish you were here"

She does this everytime she passes by a cemetery

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BOSS: care to explain the text I got last night?

**ME:** OMG I’m so embarrassed, it was autocorrect

**BOSS:** autocorrect wrote “fuck you and you’re stupid job”?

**ME:** yeah it’s supposed to say "your"

Sad to report that the inventor of predictive text has passed away

His funfair will be held next Monkey

So me and the girlfriend are on the couch watching some TV...

I hear my phone that I left in the kitchen get a text, so I get up to look...

It came from the GF: *"Please bring the chips on your way back".*

My friend text me 'what are you doing now?'

I replied 'Probably failing my driving test'.

This idiot beside me was texting and driving on the expressway

How irresponsible and dangerous. I was so mad I put my window down and threw my beer at him.

I smoked some pot, and then texted my girlfriend, “We need to see other people.”

I wanted to end it on a high note.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I see one more asshole texting and driving...

I’m going to roll my window down and throw my beer at them.

What did kim jong un text his girlfriend?

Send nukes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'll never forget the one time i saw my dad's penis.

I said "dad, dont text me shit like that"

My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool.

I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

Husband Sent A Text To His Wife At Night

“Hi I Will Get Late, Please Try And Wash All My Dirty Clothes And Make Sure You Prepare My Favorite Dish Before I Return..!”

(No response from his wife)

. . . . He Sent Another Text, “And I Forgot To Tell You That I Got An Increase In My Salary At The End Of The Month I’m Getting You ...

Joseph Smith's Guide to wealth

Step 1: “translate” an “ancient text” “God” sent you to write.

Step 2: Convince everyone all other churches are fake and God only speaks to you!

Step 3: Prophet!

Help! My husband keeps pressuring me to try Alan.

Also, how do I turn off predictive text?

A Wife texted her husband:

A wife texted her husband: “Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office, and Juanita says hi to you.”

Husband: Who is Juanita?

Wife: Nobody, I was just making sure you read my message.

Husband: But I’m with Juanita right now, so which Juanita are you talking...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was devastated when I got a text from my wife telling me I was crap in bed.

It’s ok though, turns out she got the wrong number.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twas the week before Christmas

‘Twas the Week before Christmas
by Canttake Itany Moore

‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the city

The virus still raged. The year was still shitty.

The cars sat snuggly, all still in the street.

There was no place to go. No friends to meet.

Restau...

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