My wife texted me on a cold winter morning...

My wife texted me on a cold winter morning, saying "Windows frozen, won't open. "

I texted her back, "gently pour some hot water along the edges, and tap it with a hammer. "

After a few minutes she texted back, "computer is really messed up now. "

A husband decided to pull a joke on his wife and texted her saying 'it's not cheating if I leave my socks on is it ?'

She texted back saying 'no hon it's not, I do it all the time'

So the Pope goes down into a deep vault below the Vatican, where they keep the most ancient sacred texts.

Scholarly Priests spend decades examining these handwritten scrolls for translation errors. The Pope finds one of them hard at work and asks if he has found anything.


"Why yes, your Excellency. Look here, where we have always thought it said 'smite', but there's an 'R' there, it clea...

I asked my dad if he could buy unlimited texting for my phone.

He told me "No, it's too expensive."

So I replied "It's not about money, it's about sending a message."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Blonde texts her friend

A blonde texts her friend and asks "what does IDK stand for?" The friend replies "I don't know" The blonde texts back "shit, no one seems to know"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me texting that girl that i like

Me: nose

Crush: what?

Me: i used my nose to type *nose*

Crush: haha

Crush: penis

My boyfriend has dandruff.

"My boyfriend has dandruff. What's the best way to remove it?" I texted my mother.

She replied, "Just give him Head & Shoulders."

20 minutes later.

I texted my mother back, "Okay. Now how do I give the shoulders?"

I sent my wife a text.

Hi Honey, just going for a couple of beers with the lads,

Be about 2 hours.


If I am not back in 2 hours, read the text again.

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…

She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

There was a bus with 4 seats.

(Sorry for the poor construction of the joke. English is not my first language)

The conductor came in and began checking the tickets of the passengers.

He approached the lady sitting in the first seat. She didn't have a ticket. The conductor fined her 20$ even though the ticket cost 4...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Autocorrect is a nuisance. I texted my friend to see if he wanted to go for a wank down by the river.

I meant the canal

My wife just text me: “What does IDK stand for?”. “I Don’t Know.” I replied

A short time later she replied: “OMG! Nobody does!”

Mary needed veggies for dinner but her nails weren't dry yet, and she had friends coming over.

She sends a text to her husband: "Honey please don't forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office. And Priscilla says 'Hi' to you.”

Paul, her husband, replied “Priscilla?"

“I’m kidding. I was just making sure that you read my message.”

Paul took a moment, then repl...

I remember the day my Ex sent me a breakup text, my mom asked me what I was reading.

I told her:

''Tips to cook delicious food.”

And then she asked me why I was crying. I answered:

"I have reached where they are cutting onions."

Generation gap

A mum texts, “Hi! Son, what do IDK, LY and TTYL mean?”
He texts back, “I don’t know, love you and talk to you later.”
The mother replies, “It’s OK, don’t worry about it. I’ll ask your sister. Love you too.”

How is a joke like an animal?

When you dissect it, it dies.

Get it? Because just like when you take apart an animal to see how it works, it obviously can't be alive anymore, by the same logic, picking apart the inner workings of a joke by over-explaining the punchline is going to kill the humorous spirit it carries; it wo...

Two people texting

Person 1: I dont like my life, I'm gonna do it

Person 2: don't

Person 1: don't try to stop me

Person 2: I wasn't, I was correcting your spelling

A guy texts his neighbor...

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:

‟Bob, I am sorry.. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you'er not around, prbably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer....

My wife texted "I'm leaving you"

And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."

I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."

I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"

A m...

A man sitting in the hospital

with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.
Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"

Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"

Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and ...

So me and the girlfriend are on the couch watching some TV...

I hear my phone that I left in the kitchen get a text, so I get up to look...

It came from the GF: *"Please bring some chips on your way back".*

My boss just texted me: “Send me one of your funny jokes!”

I texted him back: “I’m busy working. I’ll send one later.”
“That’s hilarious,” he said. “Send another one!”

Let’s see if this translates to text

A man is at the bar. He starts choking on his martini. When he stops coughing the bartender asks if he's all right. To which he replies “Olive”

My wife sent me a text, "Your great".

So, naturally, I wrote back, "No, you're great".

She's been walking around all happy and smiling.

Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or leave it?

My girlfriend texted me "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

Anybody know what ‟ternative” means?

In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.

And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first one here.

Once there was an old lady who lived her life without having sex ever. She was very proud of this achievement as the only one in the town where she lived.
While in her death bed she made a wish that this achievement of her be made public on her grave so she told someone to make her grave read as ...

I tried to order a table from IKEA, but I misplaced an umlaut in my search text. I got a couch instead.

So close, yet sofa.

What text emojis do spiders use when they are happy?

::::D

What does "IDK" on a text message mean?

No one that I've asked seems to know!

Never Text an Apology

THE ORIGINAL TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a
confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few
months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to
your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t l...

My crush texted " come to my house right way, nobody's at home"

I went there as fast as I could and she was right.

It was dark and noone was there.

Wife gets a text from husband saying "I think we should break up."

The wife, very confused, says to the husband, "You know I live with you. If you wanted to separate, you could have walked over and told me."

The husband replies, "Sorry babe. Wrong person."

My girlfriend texted me it wasn't working our and we needed to break up

Don't worry, she explained me that it was meant for someone else

My wife just sent me this text: "Thespacebaronmykeyboardstoppedworking.canyoupleasegivemeanalternativewhenyougethometonight?"

Pretty excited... but does anyone know what "ternative" means?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Middle Class Sexting.

So this girl I'm seeing sent me a picture of herself in a crotchless leather catsuit she'd bought from Marks and Sparks, she then proceeded to text exactly what she would do to me in it. That wasn't just any sex text. That was an M&S S&M MMS and SMS.

Please practice safe text.

Use a comma & you won’t miss a period.

I told a girl to text me when she got home

She must be homeless..

I'm furious. My girlfriend just text me saying she's about to "do" some guy at a charity event she's at.

Who the hell is this Nate?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new monk arrives at the monastery

He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies of the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this, worried that there may be errors The head monk says, "We have been copying from the...

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My new medication is crap

The prescription text reads "take a teaspoon twice a day". So I did for a week.

I'm out of teaspoons now and I have a tummy ache.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to covid I broke up with my gf via text message

She texted back that was unacceptable as she shouted "asshole" through the bathroom door.

Jerry Clower joke (Uncle Vercy`s Trial)

Since I couldn't find this joke in text form anywhere I took the time to type it out myself lol (No Spell Check)

Flew from Los Angeles California to Des Moines did a show there in the civic center. Then to Minneapolis Minnesota, Its 28 Degrees below 0 I slept between the mattresses. Then I l...

She texted me: “your adorable” I responded saying “no. YOU’RE adorable”

Now she thinks I like her even though I was just correcting her grammar.

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

My girlfriend texted me that the relationship cannot continue because I played too much video games.

Looks like it was my Destiny 2 break up with her.

Sad to report that the inventor of predictive text has passed away

His funfair will be held next Monkey

She texted me: "Your adorable."

I replied: "No. You're adorable."

Now she likes me. All I did was correct her typo.

My girlfriend texted me that we were breaking up.

I was relieved when she said, “Sorry, wrong number.”

Came up with a Joke, thought I'd share

As the title says, here's a Joke I came up with, it works better when talking then in text form, but I still say it's alright.
So, in 1832, an American who had moved to Ontario had been hunting wild game.

Now, he hadn't bothered with the paper work for a license, as he thought it was rem...

English is not my first language.

My American girlfriend texted me, "myspacebarisstuckpleasegiveanalternative"

What is a ternative?

My friend text me 'what are you doing now?'

I replied 'Probably failing my driving test'.

Why did the chicken cross only half of the road?

Because I was busy texting.

My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool.

I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

This idiot beside me was texting and driving on the expressway

How irresponsible and dangerous. I was so mad I put my window down and threw my beer at him.

This Just in! Over $20,000 dollars in college text books stolen!

Local Police say they have a lead and hope to recover both books.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I see one more asshole texting and driving...

I’m going to roll my window down and throw my beer at them.

My ex wife just texted me, "Wish you were here"

She does this everytime she passes by a cemetery

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BOSS: care to explain the text I got last night?

**ME:** OMG I’m so embarrassed, it was autocorrect

**BOSS:** autocorrect wrote “fuck you and you’re stupid job”?

**ME:** yeah it’s supposed to say "your"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was devastated when I got a text from my wife telling me I was crap in bed.

It’s ok though, turns out she got the wrong number.

My brother went to prison after robbing a bank but the police never found the money.

He managed to get access to a cellphone and kept sending me cryptic messages about where he hid the money. Eventually, I found it. When my wife asked me how I found it, I explained:

“I followed the con-text clues.”

I smoked some pot, and then texted my girlfriend, “We need to see other people.”

I wanted to end it on a high note.

What did kim jong un text his girlfriend?

Send nukes

Husband Sent A Text To His Wife At Night

“Hi I Will Get Late, Please Try And Wash All My Dirty Clothes And Make Sure You Prepare My Favorite Dish Before I Return..!”

(No response from his wife)

. . . . He Sent Another Text, “And I Forgot To Tell You That I Got An Increase In My Salary At The End Of The Month I’m Getting You ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some girl texted me the space button on her phone is broke

She texted "thespacebuttononmyphoneisbrokencanyoupleasegivemeanalternative" Can someone please tell me what ternative means.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.