My mother texts me when I’m out with my friends

Me: can I hang out with some friends?

Her: sure, are you gonna eat out tonight?

Me: who’s tonight?

A wife sent a romantic text to her husband one day. It read, “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, sent me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband replied, “I am on the toilet. Please advise.”

A guy texts his neighbor...

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:

‟Bob, I am sorry.. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you'er not around, prbably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer....

Let’s see if this translates to text

A man is at the bar. He starts choking on his martini. When he stops coughing the bartender asks if he's all right. To which he replies “Olive”

My wife sent me a text, "Your great".

So, naturally, I wrote back, "No, you're great".

She's been walking around all happy and smiling.

Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or leave it?

My girlfriend texted me "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

Anybody know what ‟ternative” means?

I tried to order a table from IKEA, but I misplaced an umlaut in my search text. I got a couch instead.

So close, yet sofa.

I hate it when I'm texting,

I get rudely interrupted by a cyclist bouncing off my windscreen.

What text emojis do spiders use when they are happy?

::::D

In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.

And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.

What does "IDK" on a text message mean?

No one that I've asked seems to know!

Wife gets a text from husband saying "I think we should break up."

The wife, very confused, says to the husband, "You know I live with you. If you wanted to separate, you could have walked over and told me."

The husband replies, "Sorry babe. Wrong person."

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

My girlfriend texted me it wasn't working our and we needed to break up

Don't worry, she explained me that it was meant for someone else

Please practice safe text.

Use a comma & you won’t miss a period.

My wife locked me outside the house coz she got tired of my wordplay jokes

I texted her "Oh Pun the door"

Spelling matters!

I was waiting on a Zoom call to start, but client was having technical issues. The client texted and said, "please bare with me." Thought it was an odd request, but he's the client.

Eventually we got the video to work, but now I'm fired.

A 30-year old man told his wife that he's going to the bar to party with his friends

The wife was really worried that her husband is not spending enough time with her, but she was helpless.

An hour later, she recieves a text from her husband asking for a picture.

She was glad that her husband wanted to see her face even though he was partying with his friends.

T...

Max receives a text from his neighbor.

Hi Max, its Richard from next door, I've been riddled with guilt for months and have been trying to build up the courage to tell you face to face but i couldn't. When your not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently....

My wife texted "I'm leaving you"

And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."

I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."

I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"

A m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to covid I broke up with my gf via text message

She texted back that was unacceptable as she shouted "asshole" through the bathroom door.

Freaking auto correct

I got the number of a local artist from one of her works, so I texted her this by accident...



"I want to buy your panties, Leslie."



How embarrassing! Her name is Leela.

The new CEO wanted to teach about productivity

After gathering the managers he spoke at the importance of cutting out the fat, streamlining the company, numbers and projections against the crisis and the need for a more energetic administration. After that, they left for lunch.

While passing through the offices, the new CEO found a young...

My wife just sent me this text: "Thespacebaronmykeyboardstoppedworking.canyoupleasegivemeanalternativewhenyougethometonight?"

Pretty excited... but does anyone know what "ternative" means?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You're welcome!

Once upon a time, there was a particularly intelligent sperm cell living inside a particularly large blue whale. From the time it was created, the sperm cell studied diligently and learned a great many things. It read the full text of Wikipedia. It learned languages, history, science. It learned the...

A waitress spots a dejected looking man staring at the menu...

Concerned, she approaches and asks if she can help.

Man: I'd like to order my late wife's usual meal but I can't remember it...

Waitress: I'm so sorry! Could you describe it to me? I'm sure we can figure out what her favorite was.

Man: No, it's fine. I'll just text her, she shou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new monk arrives at the monastery ...

He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error would be...

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

If you want to hear a very interesting story:

send an SMS to your wife with the following text in the body: "I know everything"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Think I may have created something new here, honest opinion? (Nsfw?)

Work with a few of my friends and we got a messed up sense of humor and get away with some stuff. I texted all 3 3 hrs after work today and told them "I put dicks in your rearview. They all went out to discover clean mirrors before I said you are the dick I just put in the mirror.

Reposts versus retellings. (Not a joke)

I just wanted to make a quick PSA about jokes.

Jokes are meant to be retold. A good joke gets told a thousand times, and spreads like a virus. Like a virus a joke will often mutate and change as it passes from person to person, often tweaked for better performance.

Now, what is the dif...

This Just in! Over $20,000 dollars in college text books stolen!

Local Police say they have a lead and hope to recover both books.

I told a girl to text me when she got home

She must be homeless..

What did kim jong un text his girlfriend?

Send nukes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BOSS: care to explain the text I got last night?

**ME:** OMG I’m so embarrassed, it was autocorrect

**BOSS:** autocorrect wrote “fuck you and you’re stupid job”?

**ME:** yeah it’s supposed to say "your"

I smoked some pot, and then texted my girlfriend, “We need to see other people.”

I wanted to end it on a high note.

My ex wife just texted me, "Wish you were here"

She does this everytime she passes by a cemetery

I love election time!

It's exciting to finally get texts and calls!

My girlfriend texted me that we were breaking up.

I was relieved when she said, “Sorry, wrong number.”

Husband Sent A Text To His Wife At Night

“Hi I Will Get Late, Please Try And Wash All My Dirty Clothes And Make Sure You Prepare My Favorite Dish Before I Return..!”

(No response from his wife)

. . . . He Sent Another Text, “And I Forgot To Tell You That I Got An Increase In My Salary At The End Of The Month I’m Getting You ...

A Wife texted her husband:

A wife texted her husband: “Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office, and Juanita says hi to you.”

Husband: Who is Juanita?

Wife: Nobody, I was just making sure you read my message.

Husband: But I’m with Juanita right now, so which Juanita are you talking...

My girlfriend just texted me saying I’m a bad kisser

Wait a minute, I’m getting another text. She said “oops, wrong person”

Thank god there is nothing wrong with our relationship

She texted me: “your adorable” I responded saying “no. YOU’RE adorable”

Now she thinks I like her even though I was just correcting her grammar.

What do you call a deaf person with a cellphone?

You don't call them, you text them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got words tatooed on my ass.

"Bottom text"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when someone texts you just to tell you that they are pooping?

*Push* Notifications.

Boss sends a text to worker: You are good with jokes write me one

Worker: I can't, i'm working.
Boss: Good one, one more.

The guy who invented predictive text died last night.

**His funfair is next monkey.**

She texted me: "Your adorable."

I replied: "No. You're adorable."

Now she likes me. All I did was correct her typo.

My girlfriend texted me that the relationship cannot continue because I played too much video games.

Looks like it was my Destiny 2 break up with her.

This idiot beside me was texting and driving on the expressway

How irresponsible and dangerous. I was so mad I put my window down and threw my beer at him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been hurt a lot...

But I've learned not to text while walking. I keep bumping into shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bloody autocorrect strikes again...

The other day I sent my best mate a text saying, 'Hey Dave, do you fancy coming for a wank along the river?'

I mean, how embarrassing...

I meant 'canal'

We have your Child!

A parent receives this text, "We have your child".
He panics and replies, "What are your demands. We will do anything. Please don't hurt our child"
He receives a reply, "Are you out of your mind? The daycare is closing soon. Come and get him now!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I see one more asshole texting and driving...

I’m going to roll my window down and throw my beer at them.

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foo...

Sad to report that the inventor of predictive text has passed away

His funfair will be held next Monkey

My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool.

I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Things I do to piss off my wife

Sext her out of nowhere and then text back right away “sorry wrong person”

I’ve never really understood how jokes work

So one day I told my friends I was going to be doing some comedy. I even got a bouncer and rolled out a red carpet for this big event. I texted everyone I knew. I was so excited for it. However, when my friends showed up and saw me standing at the end of the carpet with boxing gloves on, they turned...

My friend text me 'what are you doing now?'

I replied 'Probably failing my driving test'.

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?

All the women raised their hands.


Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love y...

I went on a blind date with a real gorgeous girl.

I told her to text me when she arrived home.

That was three days ago, I guess she must be homeless.

My ex-wife just texted me, “I wish you were here”

She does this every time she’s in a cemetery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was devastated when I got a text from my wife telling me I was crap in bed.

It’s ok though, turns out she got the wrong number.

Every time someone is arrested for a crime in Florida, they have to write a long text file describing their motivations for the crime and how it was carried out, so the police can add it to their registry.

Which is why all the stuff that happens in Florida seems so weird without the con-text.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some girl texted me the space button on her phone is broke

She texted "thespacebuttononmyphoneisbrokencanyoupleasegivemeanalternative" Can someone please tell me what ternative means.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here’s a joke my little brother told me.

A man find out his wife of 3 years has been cheating on him so he hires an assassin to take her and her side piece out. The assassin agrees to the job no questions asked but let’s the man know that each bullet will cost him 5 grand but he never misses. The husband just wants his wife dead and agrees...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Autocorrect is a bitch. I just texted my pal if he wanted to go for a wank by the river.

I meant the canal.

I got a text from my wife saying "Grandma is keeping the baby tonight, you wanna smash as soon as you get home?"

Never before have I been disappointed to come home and find my wife naked and wearing high heels.

There is literally no way to convey sarcasm through text

/s

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.