A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…

She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

Two people texting

Person 1: I dont like my life, I'm gonna do it

Person 2: don't

Person 1: don't try to stop me

Person 2: I wasn't, I was correcting your spelling

What does a tree say when texting?

I.M. Groot

Colleague from work has just texted saying he’s caught Covid from his cat.

Don’t ask meow

A guy texts his neighbor...

A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:

‟Bob, I am sorry.. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you'er not around, prbably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer....

My wife sent me a text, "Your great".

So, naturally, I wrote back, "No, you're great".

She's been walking around all happy and smiling.

Should I tell her I was just correcting her grammar or leave it?

Technology is the death of us

DEAR NEIGHBOR:


Hi, George. This is Richard, next door. I've a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text. I can't live with myself a minute longer without your...

I tried to order a table from IKEA, but I misplaced an umlaut in my search text. I got a couch instead.

So close, yet sofa.

In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.

And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.

What text emojis do spiders use when they are happy?

::::D

Let’s see if this translates to text

A man is at the bar. He starts choking on his martini. When he stops coughing the bartender asks if he's all right. To which he replies “Olive”

My girlfriend texted me "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

Anybody know what ‟ternative” means?

My mother texts me when I’m out with my friends

Me: can I hang out with some friends?

Her: sure, are you gonna eat out tonight?

Me: who’s tonight?

I hate it when I'm texting,

I get rudely interrupted by a cyclist bouncing off my windscreen.

My crush texted " come to my house right way, nobody's at home"

I went there as fast as I could and she was right.

It was dark and noone was there.

Wife gets a text from husband saying "I think we should break up."

The wife, very confused, says to the husband, "You know I live with you. If you wanted to separate, you could have walked over and told me."

The husband replies, "Sorry babe. Wrong person."

Men only want one thing

From the Missing-the-point department:

Text from her: “Men only want one thing, and it’s disgusting!”

Text from him: “Wash it then?”

Carnival is offering a single day trip guaranteed to leave all your worries behind.

It's called a Ted Cruz

Full credit to my dad who just texted me this.

My girlfriend texted me it wasn't working our and we needed to break up

Don't worry, she explained me that it was meant for someone else

When I'm bored...

I text a random number and say "I hid the body now what".

My wife texted "I'm leaving you"

And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."

I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."

I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a hand job"

A m...

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Due to covid I broke up with my gf via text message

She texted back that was unacceptable as she shouted "asshole" through the bathroom door.

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

Please practice safe text.

Use a comma & you won’t miss a period.

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I'll never forget the one time i saw my dad's penis.

I said "dad, dont text me shit like that"

So me and the girlfriend are on the couch watching some TV...

I hear my phone that I left in the kitchen get a text, so I get up to look...

It came from the GF: *"Please bring the chips on your way back".*

I'm furious. My girlfriend just text me saying she's about to "do" some guy at a charity event she's at.

Who the hell is this Nate?

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

My wife just sent me this text: "Thespacebaronmykeyboardstoppedworking.canyoupleasegivemeanalternativewhenyougethometonight?"

Pretty excited... but does anyone know what "ternative" means?

Joseph Smith's Guide to wealth

Step 1: “translate” an “ancient text” “God” sent you to write.

Step 2: Convince everyone all other churches are fake and God only speaks to you!

Step 3: Prophet!

Help! My husband keeps pressuring me to try Alan.

Also, how do I turn off predictive text?

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Twas the week before Christmas

‘Twas the Week before Christmas
by Canttake Itany Moore

‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the city

The virus still raged. The year was still shitty.

The cars sat snuggly, all still in the street.

There was no place to go. No friends to meet.

Restau...

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My first one here.

Once there was an old lady who lived her life without having sex ever. She was very proud of this achievement as the only one in the town where she lived.
While in her death bed she made a wish that this achievement of her be made public on her grave so she told someone to make her grave read as ...

I told a girl to text me when she got home

She must be homeless..

This Just in! Over $20,000 dollars in college text books stolen!

Local Police say they have a lead and hope to recover both books.

A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying a series of old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in t

The head monk said: “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

The head monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. ...

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I mistakenly sent a dick pic to my mother instead of my girlfriend

"sorry mom, it was an accident" I immediately sent a follow up text .

" So were you " I got the reply text.

I’d like to thank.....

Whoever told my Mom that WTF means Wow that’s fantastic. Her texts are so much more fun now.

Christmas Cheer

Just texted my Girlfriend to see if she was coming over tonight after her family Christmas celebration.

She texted, "Let me guess, Netflix and chill."

I responded, "No baby, I upgraded to Disney Plus and Thrust"

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an actual oc joke i wrote out like a week ago

One day, a father is enjoying a walk alone, getting his sweet fresh air away from the nagging children and wife. However, enjoying the walk too much, he shuts his eyes. Turning a corner is a very wealthy man in a hurry, who ends up bumping into the father.

Both get up, and the father speaks u...

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BOSS: care to explain the text I got last night?

**ME:** OMG I’m so embarrassed, it was autocorrect

**BOSS:** autocorrect wrote “fuck you and you’re stupid job”?

**ME:** yeah it’s supposed to say "your"

My girlfriend texted me that we were breaking up.

I was relieved when she said, “Sorry, wrong number.”

I smoked some pot, and then texted my girlfriend, “We need to see other people.”

I wanted to end it on a high note.

My ex wife just texted me, "Wish you were here"

She does this everytime she passes by a cemetery

She texted me: “your adorable” I responded saying “no. YOU’RE adorable”

Now she thinks I like her even though I was just correcting her grammar.

Spelling matters!

I was waiting on a Zoom call to start, but client was having technical issues. The client texted and said, "please bare with me." Thought it was an odd request, but he's the client.

Eventually we got the video to work, but now I'm fired.

My wife locked me outside the house coz she got tired of my wordplay jokes

I texted her "Oh Pun the door"

Husband Sent A Text To His Wife At Night

“Hi I Will Get Late, Please Try And Wash All My Dirty Clothes And Make Sure You Prepare My Favorite Dish Before I Return..!”

(No response from his wife)

. . . . He Sent Another Text, “And I Forgot To Tell You That I Got An Increase In My Salary At The End Of The Month I’m Getting You ...

What did kim jong un text his girlfriend?

Send nukes

A mathematician tried to divide his Reddit post by zero..

[undefined text]

A 30-year old man told his wife that he's going to the bar to party with his friends

The wife was really worried that her husband is not spending enough time with her, but she was helpless.

An hour later, she recieves a text from her husband asking for a picture.

She was glad that her husband wanted to see her face even though he was partying with his friends.

T...

A waitress spots a dejected looking man staring at the menu...

Concerned, she approaches and asks if she can help.

Man: I'd like to order my late wife's usual meal but I can't remember it...

Waitress: I'm so sorry! Could you describe it to me? I'm sure we can figure out what her favorite was.

Man: No, it's fine. I'll just text her, she shou...

She texted me: "Your adorable."

I replied: "No. You're adorable."

Now she likes me. All I did was correct her typo.

The new CEO wanted to teach about productivity

After gathering the managers he spoke at the importance of cutting out the fat, streamlining the company, numbers and projections against the crisis and the need for a more energetic administration. After that, they left for lunch.

While passing through the offices, the new CEO found a young...

My girlfriend texted me that the relationship cannot continue because I played too much video games.

Looks like it was my Destiny 2 break up with her.

A Wife texted her husband:

A wife texted her husband: “Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from the office, and Juanita says hi to you.”

Husband: Who is Juanita?

Wife: Nobody, I was just making sure you read my message.

Husband: But I’m with Juanita right now, so which Juanita are you talking...

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foo...

Freaking auto correct

I got the number of a local artist from one of her works, so I texted her this by accident...



"I want to buy your panties, Leslie."



How embarrassing! Her name is Leela.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You're welcome!

Once upon a time, there was a particularly intelligent sperm cell living inside a particularly large blue whale. From the time it was created, the sperm cell studied diligently and learned a great many things. It read the full text of Wikipedia. It learned languages, history, science. It learned the...

This idiot beside me was texting and driving on the expressway

How irresponsible and dangerous. I was so mad I put my window down and threw my beer at him.

Sad to report that the inventor of predictive text has passed away

His funfair will be held next Monkey

My bank has a new feature where they'll text you your bank balance. I think it's pretty cool.

I just don't think they should end the text with "LOL", though.

My friend text me 'what are you doing now?'

I replied 'Probably failing my driving test'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I see one more asshole texting and driving...

I’m going to roll my window down and throw my beer at them.

My girlfriend just texted me saying I’m a bad kisser

Wait a minute, I’m getting another text. She said “oops, wrong person”

Thank god there is nothing wrong with our relationship

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend always asks me to text her when I get in.

That’s how small my cock really is.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Think I may have created something new here, honest opinion? (Nsfw?)

Work with a few of my friends and we got a messed up sense of humor and get away with some stuff. I texted all 3 3 hrs after work today and told them "I put dicks in your rearview. They all went out to discover clean mirrors before I said you are the dick I just put in the mirror.

If you want to hear a very interesting story:

send an SMS to your wife with the following text in the body: "I know everything"

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I was devastated when I got a text from my wife telling me I was crap in bed.

It’s ok though, turns out she got the wrong number.

Boss sends a text to worker: You are good with jokes write me one

Worker: I can't, i'm working.
Boss: Good one, one more.

My ex-wife just texted me, “I wish you were here”

She does this every time she’s in a cemetery.

Reposts versus retellings. (Not a joke)

I just wanted to make a quick PSA about jokes.

Jokes are meant to be retold. A good joke gets told a thousand times, and spreads like a virus. Like a virus a joke will often mutate and change as it passes from person to person, often tweaked for better performance.

Now, what is the dif...

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Some girl texted me the space button on her phone is broke

She texted "thespacebuttononmyphoneisbrokencanyoupleasegivemeanalternative" Can someone please tell me what ternative means.

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