Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

Man says to his boss “Can we talk? I have a problem.”

Boss says “Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!”

Man says “Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.”

Did you know that people who talk to themselves are scientifically likely to be more intelligent?

Oh, sorry. I wasn't talking to you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn b...

If anyone wants to come and talk about why my stuff keeps getting stolen

The door is always open

There was a pretty awkward silence at the dinner table, so I decided to talk about the crashing of the titanic.

That seemed like a good way to break the ice.

My wife says she's leaving me because I always talk like a newsreader.

But more on that story later.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey, don't talk shit about our armed forces

My girlfriend's husband is a Marine!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

Managed to talk a suicidal man down from a window ledge

By shouting

“JUMP!”

There's a lot of talk about making Puerto Rico the 51st state

But I think the goal should be to get to 53 states.

A good solid **prime** number.



One Nation, Indivisible.





This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy is waiting in the doctor’s office. He’s very nervous and decides to talk to the guy beside him

“So, What are you here for?”

“I got a red ring around the base of my penis, and I’m really scared.”

“Wow... I got a green ring... wonder what it is.”


The first guy gets called in. A few more minutes later he comes out beaming. “Nothing to worry about!! “ he tells our friend ...

Girls are probably really interested and just are too intimidated and shy to talk to you

And other hilarious jokes you can read by yourself at 3am

Me: I have trained this goat to talk.

Karen: This would be fun to see.

Me[to goat]: Who do i love the most?

Goat: Mee

Me[to goat]: Who's my pet?

Goat: Mee

Karen: Ah, its boring

Me: Wait it gets better

Goat: It gets way better, Karen!

My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. "I want you to go!" she screamed. "Please, can we just talk about it first?" I begged. "Go on, I'm listening." she replied.

I sat down and continued, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

How does a Welsh man find a sheep in talk grass?

Irresistible.

How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They only *talk* about change.

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

How do anti vaxxers talk to their children?

Through a medium or an ouija board.

I’m not much of a small talk guy so on the first date I asked:

If money wasn’t a problem what would you be doing right now?







Her: having dinner alone

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Our boss called our team over to talk us about sexual harassment

Turns out I’m pretty good at it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife asks her friend "Do you talk to your husband during sex?"

"Yes, if he calls" she says.

Jesus turns water into wine, everyone admires him and talks about it for 2000 years..

I turn water into sprite at Chipotle, and everyone calls it stealing.

After weeks of small talk, I accidentally slept with my co-worker and it went terribly

Usually we take shifts but today bossman came over and we were both dozing off

A guy walks up to a woman at a bar. He flirts with her and made some small talk but she insists she isn't gonna go home with him

"What if I offer you $1 millon to sleep with me?" He asked

The woman's never had a millon dollars in her life. She stops and considers the offer very seriously.

The guy changes his mind and says

"What if I change my offer to a dollar instead?"

The woman is aghast

"...

On my wedding day, My dad sat me down and had "the talk" with me.

Dad: Son, you will have to make a choice now. You can be right, or you can be happy. But you cannot be both.

I think for a moment

Me: but ever since I can remember, you are always wrong.

Dad: exactly.

Wife told husband: After you finish watering the plants, we need to talk about something I saw in your mobile phone...

... It has been more than 4 days the husband is still watering the plants

I used to be jealous of Harry Potter for being able to talk to snakes.

But it turns out I've been doing it for years.

How do Super Smash Bros characters talk to the dead?

Waluigi board



Get bamboozled

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment,...

I hate being white, I can't dance, I can't talk and

the only thing about me is the way that I walk.

Me and my friend had a talk about planes.

It was plain Boeing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People don't like to talk about sex.

It's a very touchy subject.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As his son has turned 19 today, a father starts a serious father-son talk...

The father says: „Son, you‘ve reached age of majority today. You‘re an adult now. But you‘re still a virgin, so we have to tackle this. Here‘s 50 bucks, now go to the docks and have fun with a hooker. After that, you can call yourself not only an adult but also a man.“

The son takes the $50 a...

A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.

At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.

The man: Well, Charley?

Charley lifts his paw.

The man: Charley, come on, say something...

My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home...

Guess she’s homeless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A shot putter says to her coach "We need to talk about these 'supplements' you've been giving me"

He says "Anything the matter with them?" and she says "Well, to be honest, I do have a couple of concerns." She has a quick look around and pulls up the front of her shirt, revealing a thick mass of hair covering her chest and down as far as her waistband.

The coach blinks and says "And how f...

What do you call it when you don’t want to talk to someone in Minecraft?

You block them.


P.S. Happy ten years Minecraft.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife likes to talk after sex

So yesterday she called me from a motel.







Credit: The Office S4E17

A man goes to the synagogue to talk to his Rabbi.

He says, "Rabbi, I have terrible news! When my son went to visit Israel I thought it would be a wonderful idea. But I guess the churches there really got to him, because when he came back he was a Christian!"

The rabbi says, "No way! You too? I'm having the exact same problem with my son, ...

I told my friend that I was feeling suicidal. He told me to talk to the mental health clinic for help

They seemed totally against the idea, I guess I’ll do it myself!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man owned a small ranch in Montana,

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.

“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.

The rancher replied, “my ranch ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't get why so many people talk down on male pornstars

These men are hard at work

A woman is walking on the mountains when she sees a huge flock of sheep, lots of sheep are grazing in a very green meadow. She spots the shepherd near them so she goes to talk to him out of curiosity.

The shepherd notices her approaching him and greets her.

“Oh, good morning young lady, maybe I can help you with something?”

“Yes, hi! I was walking on that path over there and I saw this enormous flock and I had to come and know more about them!”

“Sure thing. What is it that yo...

I keep hearing everyone talk about "Endgame"

When did everyone get so into Samuel Beckett?

What has a mouth but never talks, runs but never walks, has a bed and never sleeps?

A river

One day I stole $200 out of my mother's purse. My mother found out and was too hysterical to talk to me so she sent my father. He walked in, and I knew I was done for. He says "son, we know you stole $200 from your mother. But, rest assured, I'm not mad...I'm disappointed."

I replied...."Hi disappointed, I'm Dad!"



And that's when the fight started

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it when men talk dirty to women ?

What is it when men talk dirty to women ?
: Sexual Harrassment

What is it when women talk dirty to men ?
: 3.99$ / minute

Why are peppers so good at smack talk?

Because they get jalepeno business

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a talk about porn with my girlfriend.

"I don't get porn, why would you watch 2 people have sex?" she asked, then I reply "Two?" she looks surprised and I add "People?"

What do Ned Stark and Hodor talk about at breakfast?

Raisin’ Bran

Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason

Me too

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A professor is giving a talk about sex..

Addressing the crowd, he stands up.

"It gives me great pleasure..."

Then he sits down.

Once a pasta chef sat down to talk to his wife about something important

"Honey", the pasta chef said, "I know you said you wanted just two kids, but I really want three or more."

"Dear", his wife said, "are our two silly kids not enough for you?"

"Honey", the pasta chef said, "I just don't want to live having a couple silly kids. I really would like to hav...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.

When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.50 a minute.

“Knock knock” “Hi, do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Jesus Christ?”

“Yes”
.........
................

“Would you like to step inside?”
“I’m not sure, I’ve never made it this far”

You gotta wonder if after all this global warming talk

If someone in a factory somewhere around the world in a straw factory will say

That's it. That's the last straw

Made this one up years ago....What do they call it when a psychiatrist and a rapper get together for a talk?

Shrink wrap!

Anybody want to just talk?

Asking for a friend.

In which month do women talk less?

February, it has the least amount of days.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher says “Today class we are going to talk about morals of story’s”

A teacher says “today class we are going to talk about the morals of story’”

She points to a young girl and she tells her the story of the boy that cried wolf.

“What’s the moral of that story?” The teacher asks. “You shouldn’t lie” replies the little girl.

The teacher asks who w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this couple had a huge fight and now they are so pissed they will only talk to each other by writing notes.

At one point. The man wrote a note to her wife: I have a very important appointment tommorow, wake me up at 7:30.

The wife reply by writing a note: ''Ok, fine!''

The following morning, the man wakes up, and watch his phone: 9:00!

He was super pissed. When he go up, he saw a note...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl looks into her closet and talks to the monster that lives in there.....

She asks him "Closet Monster, when are you ever going to come out of the closet?"
The monster replies "How many times must I tell you? I'm not gay!"

Why don't dinosaur talk?

they are already dead.

I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and "nobody wants me on their team" and "I haven't got any friends".

Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.

Everybody talks about how amazing the first black hole photo is

I think it's badly underexposed.

My friends girlfriend doesn't talk to him and doesn't want to spend time with him.

I haven't seen this many red flags since the 2008 Beijing Olympics.

People who talk to their dogs are just plain stupid...

Saw a couple today talking to their husky. Intelligent dog, don't get me wrong, but do they seriously think he understands everything he is told? I came home and told my cat all about it, we laughed our asses off!

How do the fallen avengers talk to each other?

Snapchat.

Two cops get to this guy's house to have a talk

Knock knock

Cop: Police here. Is anyone home?

Guy (yet inside the house): Yes. Why?

Cop: We just want to have a talk.

Guy: How many of you are there?

Cop: There's 2 of us!

Guy: Great, so you can talk with each other! Bye.

My girlfriend said she will not talk to me anymore because i don't listen.

I don't understand what does she mean by anymore.

Me: “Do you think it’s strange to talk to yourself?”

Me: “No.”

It's a lot of rubbish when people talk about "how good" modern kids are these days with technology.

My grandson is staying for the weekend, and he looks absolutely clueless with my VCR and VHS tapes.

Can we take a serious moment to raise awareness about the North Atlantic Garbage Patch?

Not enough people really talk about England very much

A guy talks with his friend about his marriage.

Guy: "It's getting bad these days, my wife spends her evenings going around the bars of the city."

Friend: "Is she an alcoholic?"

Guy: “No, she's looking for me."

So I recently saw that new movie, "Five Feet Apart". Pretty good and I here there's talk of a sequel!

From what I've heard they're gonna call it "Six Feet Under"

What do you call a guy that talks alot of nonsense?

Bob Loblaw

Did you know some can talk to a food and it becomes salted

They just need to be 10 year olds that play fortnite and have access to their mum’s credit card

The Talk

Dad: Son, I think it’s time we have the talk.

Son: Ok dad, but what’s the talk.

Dad: It’s called the birds and the bees.

Son: Ok, explain it.

Dad: Well the boys are the bees because they have a stinger, ok. The girls are called the birds because they won’t shut up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone talks about a woman’s intuition.

What about a man’s intuition? I thought I was going to shit myself on the way home from work. And I did!

A dying Scottish man is meeting his lawyer at a local tavern to talk about his will.

After a few rounds of whiskey, the Scot admits that he doesn't want to leave his hard-earned fortune to his good-for-nothing, lazy son. But he feels like he had no other choice. He has no other family and no friends.


The lawyer says he could write a clause that would force the son to do...

TIL that Sir Paul McCartney once turned down nearly $64 million to appear on an American talk show because he wanted to stay home and watch his favorite sport on TV.

It was *Ellen* or rugby.

Whenever the letter C talks, why is it that the three letters after him never listen?

Because they're DEF.

Why women talk more and men think more?

Because women have four lips and men have two heads!

A Woman goes to her local church to talk to the Priest.

The Priest asks her, "What troubles you, my child?" The woman replies,"Father, I have two female parrots at home. They only say " Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and " You can do *whatever* you want to me ", and nothing else. This has ruined more than one dinner party. I don't know what to do!"...

A mathematician , a physicist and an engineer talk about numbers

Mathematician: *π* is the most beautiful number

Physicist: I like *e* most

Engineer: What a coincidence! 3 is my favorite number, too!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was giving a talk on the occult

He asked the crowd if anyone had danced with a spirit?, no one answered, he then asked if anyone had kissed a demon?, no one answered, he then asked if anyone had ever had sex with a ghost? This time an old hillbilly in back raised his hand and the man said “sir please stand up and tell us about the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why didn't the brony talk while fuckin' his favorite toy?

'Cause he was feeling a little hoarse

A Grandfather talks to his grandson

Grandpa: Back then, for a dollah, I could get rice, milk, sardines, eggs, four boxes of cereal, a bottle of coke, some chips, and a tub of ice cream






Grandson: How about now, Grandpa?





Grandpa: Now a days, it's impossible to do anything with all dem g...

An elderly RAF veteran was giving a talk at an all girls school...

He was called in to give a motivational talk about British moral during the war, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.

"So there I was, escorting the bombers to their target, when out of the blue, we became surround by a pack of these Fokkers. I had two Fokkers in ei...

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.

“Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher o...

I tried to talk to my anti-vax friend the other day

Unfortunately the Oijia board wasn’t working

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade.

The student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?"

The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve"

The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?" The professor is surprised, but still ...

Why did the liberal not want to talk to the socialist?

Because they are anti-social.

My girlfriend left me because she said I talk about video games too much....

I told her that's a dumb reason to Fallout 4.

Obligatory post on 3/14: Why should you never talk to pi?

Because he'll just go on forever.

I asked my horse if he could talk.

He responded "Nay!"

A German talk show host once asked Robin Williams why he thought there wasn't much comedy in Germany

"Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?" he replied.

"No."

What do you call a 12 Step program for people who talk too much?

On and On Anon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse in a mental institution goes to check on Charlie, one of the inmates and finds him sitting up in bed, pretending to drive a car. She asks, "Are you okay Charlie?" Charlie replies, "I can't talk right now! I'm busy driving to London for a meeting!"

So the nurse closes the door and goes to check on Bob in the next room.

She finds Bob sitting up in his bed, wanking furiously.

"Bob, what are you doing?!" asks the nurse.

Bob grunts, "I'm fucking Charlie's wife! He's gone to London for a meeting!"

How do you talk to the ghost of a window washer?

With a Squeegee Board

If you get turned on by dirty talk...

Does that mean your genitals are voice activated?

A man walks into a talent agency with his dog claiming it can talk. The agent says, “ok, let’s see if this dog is gonna make us rich”. The guy says, “ Fido, what’s the top of a house called”? Roof! “What’s on a tree”? Bark! “How does sandpaper feel”? Ruff!

The talent agent tells the man off and kicks him out of his office. As the man and the dog are walking down the street the dog looks up at the man and says, “Gee Bob, maybe you should have asked some harder questions “.

The Man Walks Into a Shop and Talks to the Shopkeeper:

- Good day sir, I need a random number generator, can you help me?
- 14

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a small penis finally gathers the courage to talk to a doctor about it.

The man explains his situation, and asks the doctor if there are any over the counter pills he can take.

"Not really, you see, most of these miracle pills don't actually work, and come with a plethora of side effects," the doctor replied. "But, I can write you a prescription that should fix t...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.