The 158+ Best Talk Jokes

A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.

A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.

The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".

This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why ...

A guy gets on an airplane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck.

A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink.

"I would like a cup of coffee, please," says the guy.

"And I'd like a can of beer, you ugly pig!" shouts the duck.

The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. Bu...

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's...

2 boys were talking...

2 boys were talking and one said to the other, "There is an easy way to earn money..The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret."The boy jumps up to his dad, "I know your secret!" dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10."The boy then runs to his mom, "I ...

Two girlfriends talk

* So, Stacy, have you tried ... you know ..., *the other hole* with your boyfriend?
* Are you crazy?! We don't want any kids!

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Woman talking to a police officer.

Woman: Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?

Police Officer: "Yes"

Woman: Can you arrest me for thinking something.?

Police Officer: "No"

Woman: I think you're a cunt.

Girls who talks about girls' problems are great.

But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.

Three men are talking in a Soviet gulag.

One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"

The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."

The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accu...

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were talking.

The Chinese man is proudly telling the Jewish man about his heritage. “We can trace our history back for over 3,000 years,” he exclaims with pride!

“We’ll, that’s very impressive,” replies the Jewish man, “but our history goes back for almost 6,000 years!”

The Chinese man, after some c...

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven

"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheat...

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Two old jews are talking in Odessa.

-What's the news?

-Have you not heard? There is a war!

-who is fighting?

-Russia says it is at war with NATO.

-How's is it going?

-70,000 Russians are dead, they have lost thousands of tanks, used up most of their missiles, and their economy is collapsing.

...

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I sat my son down for the sex talk.

I said, "Son, what are you supposed to do before you have sex?"

He said, "Trim your pubes."

I said, "No. Something else."

He said, "Clean your penis?"

I said, "No."

He said, "Jesus! No wonder mum never has sex with you."

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Two guys are talking about sex with their girlfriends.

Says the first guy: “Dude, have you ever tried doing it in the other hole?” His buddy is outraged: “Are you crazy? She could get pregnant that way!”

Two factory workers are talking among themselves.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

To which the woman answers, "Just wait and watch."
She hangs herself upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in, takes a look at her and asks, "What are you doing?"...

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I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

A man and his wife were driving down the road and talking...

the wife said to her husband, "Honey if I were to die, would you get remarried?" The husband thought for a moment and then said, "Well, yes I think I would." The wife wasn't too happy about this, she spent some time in quiet thought. Then, after a while she said, "Honey, if I were to die and you wer...

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A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute.

He says, “How much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “$250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“

She says, “Honey, follow me," and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.”

So he figures he’ll t...

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."

Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"

Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

Professor X is talking to a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
...

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution

Could this be a red flag?

How do you talk with a COVID denier

with an Ouija board

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Talking about Donald Trump

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the Republican Nominee for President.
The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise...

Trump kept talking about restoring "law and order."

I don't know about you, but I'd rather vote for a candidate who wants to restore Firefly.

Little girl goes up to her father and says "Daddy talk like a frog"

Dad says "get out of here, talk like a frog." The next day again the little girl says "daddy talk like a frog."
Dad says "I told you yesterday beat it with the frog stuff."
Again on the next day she says to her dad "Daddy please can you talk like a frog?"
Her dad looks at her an...

A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down!,” the tree complains, “I’m a talking tree!”

The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

Linda and Martha are talking. "Have you heard of the Bechdel Test?" asks Linda.

"Yes," answers Martha. "My boyfriend told me about it."

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Two kids were talking...

Kid 1: I bet you're a virgin

Kid 2: I was a virgin, until last night!

Kid 1: Lies!

Kid 2: Ask your sister.

Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister!

Kid 2: You will in about nine months!

My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home...

Guess she’s homeless.

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A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says "Talking Dog: $10:

He walks up to the gate, and there's a beautiful labrador retriever in the front yard.

"Hello, how are you?" says the dog.

"Oh my goodness. You really can talk!"

"Yep, sure can," says the dog.

"So what's your story?" he asks.

"Well, I discovered I could talk when ...

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A man sees a sign outside a house: 'Talking greyhound For Sale’

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking greyhound sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the greyhound.

"Oh yes," the greyhound replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the gre...

On the way to a conference, a revered scientist is talking to his chauffeur

The driver asks him:

"–Boss, I've driven you around the country for over 10 years. I've listened to your talks, hundreds of times. I am pretty sure I know everything by heart now. Would you like to make a bet?

—What kind of bet?

—We look alike. You've never talked in this city. ...

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I went to a therapist to talk about my premature ejaculation.

I didn’t know what to wear so I just came in my pants.

Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

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A middle aged man was talking to his elderly father

"I wanted to thank you dad, I remember when I was younger and first dating girls you gave me a piece of advice. You said 'good companion, good in bed, good mother - pick two'"

The father looked kindly at his son and nodded.

"Well, I feel like I have a good life. My wife is kind to me a...

My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”

That’s….not a good sign.

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The first person to talk at the table has to clean the dishes.

A guy buys a vintage motorcycle he saw for sale in an ad in the paper. When he goes to pick the bike up, the dude who sells him the bike says, "

"Now remember....that's all original leather. You can't let it get too wet. If it starts raining and you don't have anywhere to shelter it, make sur...

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.

I didn't want to interrupt her.

With all the pictures of Epstein attending parties, talking to important people and generally socialising

It's obvious he didn't like to hang by himself

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God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians

He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. Yo...

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My Wife Likes to Talk After Sex

But I wish she’d stop calling from hotel rooms.

-Rodney Dangerfield

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A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade.

The student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?"

The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve"

The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?"
The professor is surprised, but st...

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I went to the pet shop and the owner said he had a talking centipede for sale.

I said ‘no way, centipedes don’t talk.’
The owner promised me it was a talking centipede so I purchased it and took it home with me.
A little later in that evening I went up to its tank and said ‘alright mate, I’m just popping down the pub if you fancy a few pints?’ The centipede said nothing...

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were talking about how horrible their lives are...

The cucumber says, "my life sucks. I get left in the garden until I'm huge. Then cut into pieces and put in a salad." The pickle says, "That's nothing! I get to sit in a jar with vinegar till I get swollen. Then I get eaten." The penis laughs and says, " When I get huge, they throw a bag over my hea...

A Scientologist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are talking about their families.

The Scientologist jokes, "I've got 4 kids. One more and I'll have a basketball team!" The Catholic joins in and says, "Well I've got 10 kids, and one more I'll have a football team!". The Mormon speaks up and deadpans. "I've got 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

A guy and his girlfriend are talking

Her: Come over.
Him: I'm coming over.
Her: We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over.

A man is in a pub, talking enthusiastically and at length about his hobby, skydiving.

He turns to a woman sitting close to him and asks, "Have you ever tried skydiving?"

"Only once," she replies. "Never again."

The man then realises that she's blind. "Oh, I'm sorry," he says, somewhat ill at ease, "does it have to do with your, uhm, condition?"

"Yes," she states,...

An 80 year old man finds a talking frog

An 80 year old man is out by a pond one day when a frog jumps onto a lily pad nearby.

“Excuse me sir,” says the frog, “I know I may appear to be just a frog, but I’m actually a beautiful princess. A witch has placed a curse on me to keep me in this form. The only thing that can break this cu...

My wife said, “Can you have a talk with the kids on drugs?”

I said, “Fine, but I don’t make any sense when I’m high.”

A daughter and mother are talking.

"You're dating John, the neighbor?!", asks the mother. "He is 30 years older than you, it's-"

"But I love him!", she interrupts.

"What do you mean you love him, he could be your father!"

"I don't care about his age, he loves me too!"

"I think you misunderstood me."

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A cop on a horse is talking to a little girl on a bike...

The cop asks the girl "did santa get you that?"

"Yes" the little girl replies

"Well next time tell him to put a reflector light on it" and the cop fines her £5

The girl, startled, replies "did santa get you that" and points at the horse

"He sure did" replied the cop, la...

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The Talking Clock

A guy picks up a woman in a bar and they go to his apartment. In the bedroom there's a brass gong and a wooden mallet hanging from a stand and the woman says "What's that for?" The guy says "That's a talking clock. I'll show you how it works." He hits the gong as hard as he can and when the sound di...

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He as...

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Two cowboys are out riding the range and talking about their favorite sex positions

The first cowboy says the “rodeo” position is his favorite.

The second cowboy says he’s never heard of it before and asks how to do it.

The first cowboy responds, “Well, you mount your lady from behind then reach down and grab her tits. Then you whisper ‘these feel almost as good as ...

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering ...

Time traveler talks to a mathematician

The time traveler says, "Hello, in my grad school I have learned that it is impossible for any number which is a power greater than the second to be written as the sum of two like powers such as x^n + y^n = z^n for n > 2."

"Show me how you proved it," the mathematician says.

"Indeed...

Venus Williams and Bruno Mars were sitting at a bar talking about where they were from.

The bartender said, "Hey - you two should write a book!"

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

Four Catholic women are talking about their sons while having coffee together

The first woman says “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Father.’”

The second says “My sons is a bishop. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Your Grace.’”

The third says “My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Your Eminence.’”...

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"Your sign outside says 3 strippers for 4.99... We talking topless or fully nude?"

"Sir this is Dominoes pizza. They're chicken strippers."

"Ok ok, now the price makes sense... How long is each dance?"

Putin goes undercover as a drill sergeant. Talking to a new recruit, he asks

- Where are you from, private?
- Sir, St. Petersburg
- Oh, I'm from there too. Who's your father?
- Sir, my father is President Vladimir Putin.
- That is impossible, how can that be?
- Sir, people always say that President Putin is father of our country.

Surprised but pleased, ...

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her ‘Cagey B’

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I had a talk about porn with my girlfriend.

"I don't get porn, why would you watch 2 people have sex?" she asked, then I reply "Two?" she looks surprised and I add "People?"

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A man saw an ad in the newspaper for a free talking dog...

He thought it was impossible, so he went to the address to check it out.
Standing at the fence to the backyard of the house was a normal-looking German Shepherd.

The man, wanting to prove the ad wrong asked the dog, "so are you the talking dog?"

Surprisingly, the dog replied, "yeah...

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3 generations of prostitutes are talking about how much they charged for oral sex

Daughter says she charges $100 because she's worth it. Mother admits she only charged $50 when she was active. To which grandma says "In my time we were just happy to get something warm in out bellies"

My wife and I had two miscarriages last year, and I believe there should be more jokes about miscarriages so we talk about it more...

The only problem is most of the jokes die before you finish delivering them.

—————————————————————

*The title of the post is true and humor is how I deal with my pain*

Why does nobody ever talk about how tall the average dwarf is?

Because it’s a little mean.

A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.

At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.

The man: Well, Charley?

Charley lifts his paw.

The man: Charley, come on, say something...

A frightened man came to the KGB. "My talking parrot has disappeared."

"That's not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police."

"Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot."

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A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors

.

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front o...

Three Russian men are in the gulag talking with each other.

They get to talking about why there were sent to the gulag.

“I was sent here for coming early to work in the factory. I was accused of trying to put myself ahead of my fellow worker.” The first one said.

“Aye comrad I was sent for being late to work at the factory. I was accused of d...

Anyone know where a guy can find someone to hang out with, maybe have a few beers with, talk to, and kinda just enjoy spending time with?

Asking for a friend.

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

My friend keeps talking about sausage every time he responds.

Links in comments

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

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Everyone's talking about the 90s like it was almost thirty years ago...

Oh.

...Fuck.

Jesus and Moses are relaxing on a boat and talking about the good old days.

The subject of miracles comes up, and they decide to see if they can still perform them.

"It's been almost 4000 years since I did this one" Moses says, then raises his arms. The water parts, revealing the floor of the lake.

Jesus claps His hands and says "Good one! It's only been abo...

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' sh...

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The animals in the zoo were talking amongst themselves about the recent drought...

The cows said they hoped it would rain soon as the fields they grazed in were dry and turning brown.

The giraffes said they hoped it rained soon as the leaves on the tops of the trees were sparse.

The monkeys hoped it would rain because the branches of the trees were dry and snappin...

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Mr. S is talking to Mr.B

First time telling a joke here. A bit dry but I find it funny

Mr. S is talking to Mr.B
Mr.B your bathroom is the same exact size like my bathroom. I need to buy tiles, how many boxes did you get when you did yours?

Mr.B: 20 boxes of tiles!

A week later

Mr.S tells Mr....

My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.

....I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

Talking to my X: Hey, what's up?

Talking to my Y:

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I was talking to a girl in a bar last night

She said, "If you lost a few kgs, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much...

What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

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After we had sex, my boyfriend and I were talking over dinner and I asked if, when we were done eating, would he mind putting a load in the dishwasher.

He responded, "The one earlier wasn't enough?"

(This actually just happened but I had to reword it a tiny bit to make it into a punchline)

Two Roman men are talking...

Roman guy 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with.

Roman guy 2: Mmm?

Roman guy 1: Don't be ridiculous, not that many.

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Small talk.

Girl in a supermarket says to a guy.

Girl: Hi there:

Guy: Do I know you?

Girl: I think you're the Father of one of my Kids:

Guy: are you the stripper that I made love to on the pool table and I whipped your ass while all my buddies were watching?

Girl: No I'm your ...

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Y'know, sometimes I just really wanna talk shit about reddit mods.

[removed]

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Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are talking. Harry says, "Ron, I'm gay."

"Are you fucking serious?!" asks Ron.

"Yeah...that too," says Harry.

Since I’m going away to college, my Dad sat me down to have a talk.

He said “OK, Dan, you're going off to college. You're going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So I got you something from the drug store.”

I said “It’s ok, Dad- I already know about condoms.”

He's said “No - anti-depressants.”

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A blonde, a brunette and a red-headed mother are talking about their daughters.

The brunette tells them, "I found cigarettes in my daughter's room, I can't believe she smokes! "

The red head said, "I know, I found some beer in my daughter's room. I couldn't believe it! "

The blonde says "That's nothing! I found condoms in my daughter's room. I never knew she had a...

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Three men were talking about their teenage daughters: The first says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked". The second says "That's nothing.

I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank".
Then the third speaks up.
"Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet o...

Talk Like A Pirate Day

Q: What does a dyslexic pirate say?
A: RRRRRRA!

A young girl talking to her Mother.

Instead of buying me clothes for Christmas can you send them to all of the girls that haven't got any. Oh so who are these girls that haven't got any clothes?

You know the ones. The ones on daddy's computer.

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Body talk.

A boob, vagina and asshole are debating who is the greatest of the three.

Boob: I produce milk for babies and I am attractive to the opposite sex.

Vagina: That's nothing, I give birth to babies and can accommodate the opposite sex.

.

.

.

.

.

.<...

My wife thinks the dog can talk to her and that every bark is a word. My family asked what it was like and I said:

“It’s rough”

I hate people who talk behind my back.

They discussed me

A guy overhears two women at the bar talking with an accent

He walks up to them and asks “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but hear you speak, are you two ladies from Scotland perhaps?”.

The women turn toward him and one of them rudely replies “it’s Wales, dumbass!”.

He says “Excuse me, are you two whales from Scotland?”

I was talking to a crane operator today...

I asked if his job was uplifting....

He told me that it had it's ups and downs

A Collie was talking about how hard he works on the farm where he lives.

A nearby sheep piped up 'YOU don't work hard, all you do is boss US around.' 'WHAT DID YOU SAY' shouted the collie. 'You herd me' the sheep replied

Edit: thanks for all the upvotes, this is my first post ever on here!!!

Edit 2: removed emoji

A Man talks to a Lawyer

A man talks to a lawyer and says "My wife wants to divorce me."

"On what grounds?" The lawyer asks.

"On any ground where she can get a judge to okay it." The man responded.

The lawyer tries again with "I mean does she have any ground for the divorce?"

"Yeah she owns half ...

"I'm going to punch your house until you come out and talk to me!"

~ Guy who invented 'knocking'.

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!"

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"

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Two ladies talking in heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Lynne. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What a...

Why do women talk less in february?

Cause there's only 28 days

Everyone is talking about how the inaugural attendance was 1/40 of what it was in 2009...

They don't understand how killer the commute from Moscow is.

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If a man talks dirty to a woman, that’s sexual harassment. If a woman talks dirty to a man….

…that’s $7 a minute.

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Grandpa was talking to his Grandson.

Grandpa: "What has 4 legs but isn't alive?"

Grandson: " A chair ha!! ha!!! nice try Gramps.."

Grandpa: It's your dog Billy, I backed over the little bastard in the driveway"

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.

It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

A guy is talking to his friend.

He says "I got my IQ tested and got a 70, that makes me a genius. "

Friend says "70 doesn't mean you're a genius. "

Guy says "you sound like that idiot at the testing center."

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Two old men were talking

Tom said he had started viagra and it was amazing. He was able to have sex like he was a teenager!
Rob, nervous to go to his doctor about this “problem” asked “Well, can you get it over the counter?”
Tom thinks for a moment then replies, “I’m not positive but I think if I take two of them I ca...

a father and his son are having a heart-felt talk.

“my boy”. the father started. “you are now about to became the old coot that i had been, so thus i entrust you with this book, and i hope it would be useful as it was to me.”

the son, curious on the present his father gave him, looked at the title of the book:

“1001 best dad jokes, eve...

Two cannibals are talking...

One says "I don't like my mother-in-law." The other one says "just eat the noodles."

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Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.

The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad,
that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My
hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden
yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That'...

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn b...

A mother talks to her son's teacher.

\- Come on, Ms. Derrington, won't you agree that my son has a lot of very original ideas?

\- Oh, most certainly Mrs. Lawrence, especially when it comes to orthography.

I have a friend that accuses me of pushing him around and talking behind his back

He is in a wheelchair and we get along quite well.

My girlfriend wanted to talk to me about ‘how childish I am’

But she didn’t know the password to my pillow fort so she couldn’t get in.

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Three guys are talking about the best bars ever.

First guys says, I know a bar where you order a drink and the next one's free.
Second guy says, I know a bar where you order a drink and next two are free.
Third guy says, I know a bar where you order a drink and they take you out back and fuck your brains out. One guy asks, Where is this ba...

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I’ve been trying to talk my girlfriend into period sex

But she really isn’t budging on wearing a corset and talking dirty in Shakespearean English

Sometimes I talk to myself

Me too

A beer bottle, a mirror, and a condom are all talking to each other....

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!

Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

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Surgeon Talk

Five surgeons were talking about the best patients...

The first surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered."

The second surgeon says, "Nah - librarians are the best. Everything inside them is...

A British man was talking to his friend about his views on Brexit...

"These bloody immigrants come over here. They're up to no good, right? I hate these bloody immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from."

His friend replies with "But why do you hate them so much?"

The British man replies, "I'll tell you why I hate them, I'll te...

A child was talking to his grandpa

**Kid**: "Grandpa, can you give that bucket over there a kick ?"

**Grandpa**: "Yes I can ! But why are you asking ?"

**Kid**: "Because dad told me that we're gonna be rich when you kick the bucket"

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Three nuns were talking...

The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, yesterday, I was in the ...

Four doctors are talking. "The British doctor says, medicine is so advanced in Britain that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

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Two skeletons were talking.

"You know what I find ironic? We can't get a boner."

Two girls are talking.

\- So, - the first one asks. - How did your last date go?

Oh, you won't believe it. He turned out to be such an egoist!

\- Really? What did he do?

\- Well, he had a condom with all these bumps, ridges, prongs...

\- Then how come you are calling him an egoist?

\- He...

I got talking to this girl the other day. I asked her her name.

She said, "My name's Batarka."

I said, "That's an unusual name, you don't hear that every day."

To which she replied, "Actually, I do."

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Three cellmates are talking on their first night in prison

They ask the first one, "so what are you in for, Mr. Weed?"

"Well, it's ironic, but I was actually busted by the cops with weed. How about you, Mr. Koch?"

"You're not gonna believe this, but I was actually caught with coke."

Amused at the coincidence, they turn to the third man....

My mailman is very reticent and avoids small talk.

He is a man of few words but a lot of letters.

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A college professor was giving a lecture when he saw two students talking to each other.

"No talking while I'm talking, young man."

"I was just asking her a question," the student replied.

"Any question you have for her, you can direct to me," the professor said.

"Okay," the student nodded. "Will you go out with me Saturday night?"

Three ghosts were talking about what was keeping them from being promoted from ghoul to specter.

The first confessed, "I have a weakness for boooooooooooooobs."

The second admitted, "I drink too much boooooooooooooze."

The third said, "I lack situational awareness."

A man is talking to God

A man is talking to God. "God, how long is a million years?"

God answers, "To me, it's about a minute."

Man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"

God: "To me, it's about a penny."

Man: "God, if that's the case, may I have a penny?"

God: "Su...

Everyone knows about Darth Vader, but very few people talk about his wife.

Ella wasn’t great at conquering planets but she did make it easier to navigate the Death Star.

Two women are talking in Heaven

One woman asked the other, "how did you die?" The woman replied, "I froze to death." She asked the same question to the other woman, she replied, "I suspected that my husband was cheating on me and looked everywhere in my house for evidence. I couldn't find anything and I dropped dead from exhaustio...

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My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex...

... last night she called me from Chicago!

What do dwarfs talk about on a date?

Nothing much really, they just make small talk

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A guy goes to jail and is talking on the phone to his friend.

Inmate : "So what's your plan to bust me out of this Hell hole?"

Friend : "Ok. Here it is: I'm going to swallow a bunch of rope then do something stupid to get arrested."

Inmate : "I'm listening..."

Friend: "Once I get in there, I'll go to the bathroom, poop out the rope and sne...

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Why won't tampons talk to ya

They're stuck up cunts

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So I've been talking to this cute 14 year old and now she's telling me she's an undercover cop

How fucking cool is that for someone her age?

Just been talking to an old guy, ex-soldier.

He explained to me he had been exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray, it was nice chatting to a seasoned veteran.

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A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying 'Hi, we’re hot... do you want to fuck us?'"

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

The CEO's wife was visiting the office and talking to her husband's secretary.

After a while she commented, "You know, your grammar is not very good. You're always confusing 'me' and 'I'."

The secretary replied, "Maybe, but your husband is worse. He's always confusing me with you."

Two horses are talking before a race

One horse says to the other "I don't know what's going on, right before a race I always get this sharp jabbing feeling in my flank." The other horse says " Yeah, that's strange. I get the exact same feeling before a race too!"

Right then a dog passing by said "You idiots, that's a hormone sh...

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Girls can’t stop talking about my huge dick

All week I’ve been hearing “what a huge dick” every time someone mentions me

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Of all the cosmetic surgeries available, no one ever wants to talk about vaginoplasty.

They're all so .... tight-lipped about it.

It’s impossible to talk to my dad during breakfast because he still reads the newspaper.

One can say….he is behind The Times.

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

Two shrinks were talking

“Wanna go out and grab a quick lunch?”

“No can do, I have a 12:00 o’clock disappointment”

“Don’t you mean appointment?”

“Normally yeah, but wait till you meet him”

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.

He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there," as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" ...

I called Apple Records in England because I wanted to talk to Ringo.

The recording told me to press the “star key.”

Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that…..

“This conversation will be recorded for training and quality purposes.”

Wife: Okay. Here’s what’s got to change. I’m sick of you saying I talk like a pirate and you never buy me flowers!

Husband: I never knew you sold flowers!

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