How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They only *talk* about change.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I don't get why so many people talk down on male pornstars

These men are hard at work

Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason

Me too

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man owned a small ranch in Montana,

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.

“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.

The rancher replied, “my ranch ...

I like to talk about the Titanic whenever i meet someone new

To break the ice

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment,...

“Knock knock” “Hi, do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Jesus Christ?”

“Yes”
.........
................

“Would you like to step inside?”
“I’m not sure, I’ve never made it this far”

Why don't dinosaur talk?

they are already dead.

How do the fallen avengers talk to each other?

Snapchat.

The Talk

Dad: Son, I think it’s time we have the talk.

Son: Ok dad, but what’s the talk.

Dad: It’s called the birds and the bees.

Son: Ok, explain it.

Dad: Well the boys are the bees because they have a stinger, ok. The girls are called the birds because they won’t shut up.

My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home...

Guess she’s homeless.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife likes to talk to me after sex

So everynight she calls me from a motel room

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little girl looks into her closet and talks to the monster that lives in there.....

She asks him "Closet Monster, when are you ever going to come out of the closet?"
The monster replies "How many times must I tell you? I'm not gay!"

My girlfriend said she will not talk to me anymore because i don't listen.

I don't understand what does she mean by anymore.

A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.

At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.

The man: Well, Charley?

Charley lifts his paw.

The man: Charley, come on, say something...

In which month do women talk less?

February, it has the least amount of days.

Two cops get to this guy's house to have a talk

Knock knock

Cop: Police here. Is anyone home?

Guy (yet inside the house): Yes. Why?

Cop: We just want to have a talk.

Guy: How many of you are there?

Cop: There's 2 of us!

Guy: Great, so you can talk with each other! Bye.

Can we take a serious moment to raise awareness about the North Atlantic Garbage Patch?

Not enough people really talk about England very much

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Everyone talks about a woman’s intuition.

What about a man’s intuition? I thought I was going to shit myself on the way home from work. And I did!

A guy talks with his friend about his marriage.

Guy: "It's getting bad these days, my wife spends her evenings going around the bars of the city."

Friend: "Is she an alcoholic?"

Guy: “No, she's looking for me."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I had a talk about porn with my girlfriend.

"I don't get porn, why would you watch 2 people have sex?" she asked, then I reply "Two?" she looks surprised and I add "People?"

It's a lot of rubbish when people talk about "how good" modern kids are these days with technology.

My grandson is staying for the weekend, and he looks absolutely clueless with my VCR and VHS tapes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment.

When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.50 a minute.

What do you call a guy that talks alot of nonsense?

Bob Loblaw

Whenever the letter C talks, why is it that the three letters after him never listen?

Because they're DEF.

So I recently saw that new movie, "Five Feet Apart". Pretty good and I here there's talk of a sequel!

From what I've heard they're gonna call it "Six Feet Under"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was giving a talk on the occult

He asked the crowd if anyone had danced with a spirit?, no one answered, he then asked if anyone had kissed a demon?, no one answered, he then asked if anyone had ever had sex with a ghost? This time an old hillbilly in back raised his hand and the man said “sir please stand up and tell us about the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me, "If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either." I thought, "Fucking great."

"First day in here and I'm already married."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why didn't the brony talk while fuckin' his favorite toy?

'Cause he was feeling a little hoarse

An elderly RAF veteran was giving a talk at an all girls school...

He was called in to give a motivational talk about British moral during the war, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.

"So there I was, escorting the bombers to their target, when out of the blue, we became surround by a pack of these Fokkers. I had two Fokkers in ei...

A dying Scottish man is meeting his lawyer at a local tavern to talk about his will.

After a few rounds of whiskey, the Scot admits that he doesn't want to leave his hard-earned fortune to his good-for-nothing, lazy son. But he feels like he had no other choice. He has no other family and no friends.


The lawyer says he could write a clause that would force the son to do...

A German talk show host once asked Robin Williams why he thought there wasn't much comedy in Germany

"Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?" he replied.

"No."

A mathematician , a physicist and an engineer talk about numbers

Mathematician: *π* is the most beautiful number

Physicist: I like *e* most

Engineer: What a coincidence! 3 is my favorite number, too!

People who talk to their dogs are just plain stupid...

Saw a couple today talking to their husky. Intelligent dog, don't get me wrong, but do they seriously think he understands everything he is told? I came home and told my cat all about it, we laughed our asses off!

A Grandfather talks to his grandson

Grandpa: Back then, for a dollah, I could get rice, milk, sardines, eggs, four boxes of cereal, a bottle of coke, some chips, and a tub of ice cream






Grandson: How about now, Grandpa?





Grandpa: Now a days, it's impossible to do anything with all dem g...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mom always talks to her friends about how I ruined her vagina when she had me...

Which can be annoying, because I don't like bragging about my sex life...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One of my friends who had his sex changed recently adopted a baby and talks really openly about his feelings towards the whole thing.

I guess he is really transparent.

TIL that Sir Paul McCartney once turned down nearly $64 million to appear on an American talk show because he wanted to stay home and watch his favorite sport on TV.

It was *Ellen* or rugby.

Obligatory post on 3/14: Why should you never talk to pi?

Because he'll just go on forever.

I tried to talk to my anti-vax friend the other day

Unfortunately the Oijia board wasn’t working

Why did the liberal not want to talk to the socialist?

Because they are anti-social.

I asked my horse if he could talk.

He responded "Nay!"

I had a difficult, emotional talk with my 9-year-old son this morning. There was a lot of crying and "nobody wants me on their team" and "I haven't got any friends".

Anyway, he was very nice about it and gave me some good tips for being more sociable.

I would talk about Jimmy Savile...

But it's a touchy subject.

What do you call a 12 Step program for people who talk too much?

On and On Anon.

A Woman goes to her local church to talk to the Priest.

The Priest asks her, "What troubles you, my child?" The woman replies,"Father, I have two female parrots at home. They only say " Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and " You can do *whatever* you want to me ", and nothing else. This has ruined more than one dinner party. I don't know what to do!"...

Why women talk more and men think more?

Because women have four lips and men have two heads!

If you get turned on by dirty talk...

Does that mean your genitals are voice activated?

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her.

“Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“Oh, I see,” said the woman, “can’t you just let me in?”

“Well, I’d like to,” said St Peter, “But I have higher o...

How do you talk to the ghost of a window washer?

With a Squeegee Board

My girlfriend left me because she said I talk about video games too much....

I told her that's a dumb reason to Fallout 4.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade.

The student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?"

The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve"

The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?" The professor is surprised, but still ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just learned that my cat can talk!

I woke up in the middle of the night and my cat wasn't sleeping next to me like he always is. So I stumbled around in the dark looking for him and calling his name.

Just then tripped over something and as I was falling I yelled "What he fuck was that?"

As land in the floor I hear my ca...

My friend went on a gap year travelling, and it's all he ever talks about. It's gotten to the point where I can't even discuss my problems with him anymore...

All he ever says is: "Oh, I've been there before."

Food Talk

Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree. Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella. Walnut: I look exactly like a brain. Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?

How does Mario talk to the dead?

With his Luigi board.

I just gave my first Ted talk about south paw sign language.

The audience was left speechless.

I don't like to talk, or even think, about my wife dying.

That way the lawyers can't use the word "premeditated."

The cops picked up a couple of spices for robbing a bank. Oregano says he won’t talk,

But only Thyme will tell.






Credit to u/hawt_pawket for helping me.

The Man Walks Into a Shop and Talks to the Shopkeeper:

- Good day sir, I need a random number generator, can you help me?
- 14

A man walks into a talent agency with his dog claiming it can talk. The agent says, “ok, let’s see if this dog is gonna make us rich”. The guy says, “ Fido, what’s the top of a house called”? Roof! “What’s on a tree”? Bark! “How does sandpaper feel”? Ruff!

The talent agent tells the man off and kicks him out of his office. As the man and the dog are walking down the street the dog looks up at the man and says, “Gee Bob, maybe you should have asked some harder questions “.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I thought I’d surprise my new girlfriend after a recent movie talk we had. So, tonight when she came over, I had a Pornhub movie with a prostitute scenario on. She saw it, told me to never talk to her again, and stormed out.

I am starting to think she told me she likes “horror movies”...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A doctor is making his rounds around the hospital and stops to talk to the head nurse.

The nurse says, "By the way, Doctor, do you know there's a thermometer behind your ear?"

"Great," said the doctor. "Some asshole has my pen."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nurse in a mental institution goes to check on Charlie, one of the inmates and finds him sitting up in bed, pretending to drive a car. She asks, "Are you okay Charlie?" Charlie replies, "I can't talk right now! I'm busy driving to London for a meeting!"

So the nurse closes the door and goes to check on Bob in the next room.

She finds Bob sitting up in his bed, wanking furiously.

"Bob, what are you doing?!" asks the nurse.

Bob grunts, "I'm fucking Charlie's wife! He's gone to London for a meeting!"

Dr. Doolittle learned to talk the language of thousands of animals.

But not the language of ducks..

They were just too Fowl.

Everyone talks about how good James Franco was in 127 hours..

But no one ever gives any credit to The Rock.

A woman talks about her husband to her friend...

“You know, I'm the one who made my husband a millionaire.”

“Wow! What was he before that?”

“A billionaire.”

I asked my Latino friend if Mexicans are offended by all the talk of building a wall on the southern border...

He said, "Eh... we'll get over it"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man with a small penis finally gathers the courage to talk to a doctor about it.

The man explains his situation, and asks the doctor if there are any over the counter pills he can take.

"Not really, you see, most of these miracle pills don't actually work, and come with a plethora of side effects," the doctor replied. "But, I can write you a prescription that should fix t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Talk about ungrateful....

The other day I gave my wife an orgasm....

And she just spat it straight out

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

TIFU by using Google Translate to talk about my girlfriend’s dog breed

Apparently “Basic Bitch” doesn’t mean the same thing as “Standard Poodle.”

A couple came up to Rodney Dangerfield for an autograph. Trying to make small talk, they said "Whaddya think? We just got married!"

Rodney: "You both could've done better!"

Did you hear about the charismatic politician who spews a lot of hot air when he talks about his ideas?

You could say that he expresses himself with convection.

an atom talks to another one

Atom one: I lost an electron.

Atom 2: Are u sure?

Atom one: I'm positive.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Look on the bright side anti-vaxxers

You'll never have to have "the talk" about puberty, sex, drugs, or driving.

What do you call a pear tree that walks, talks, and has a son?

Isn't it obvious? I think it's a pear Ent.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Whenever I talk dirty to somebody over the phone, they disconnect

I guess you could say I have a lot of sexual hangups.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did Michael Jackson say during his talk about masturbation?

Just Beat It.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was really surprised to find that my mirror could talk

It said, “you really are fucking lonely aren’t you”

My wife thinks I should talk about things that bother me and how I am feeling instead of trying to change the subject

But I just don’t think we are gonna get as much snow as they say this winter.

I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women.

I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?

She replies: Why?

I say: You will see in 20 seconds.

A guy talks about his experience at the brothel with his friend

1st guy: "Yo man I just had this amazing time at the brothel. This girl was able to blow me and sing to me at the same time!"

2nd guy: "No way! How'd she do it?"

1st: "No idea. The only condition she had was that I put on a blindfold. I got an idea. I'm gonna invite her to my house ton...

They always talk about Mississippi

.....but what about Mr. Issippi?

Yo mamma is so......

Nice, I highly value the talks we’ve had.

Hate when people ask me to talk about myself

A joke isn't funny if you have to explain it

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little 6 year-old boy won't talk.

His Mother takes him to the doctor, who says,"He's fine. Just give him time."
A couple months later, his Mother takes him to a Child Psychologist, who says, "He's fine. Just give him time."
A couple months later, his Mother is cooking his breakfast and she accidentally burns his toast. Scrapin...

All this talk of trade wars...

It’s just Tariffying

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked my son if he was ready to have the sex talk

He said, "Sure dad, what do you want to know?"

What do you call the area where a group of French cats talk?

A chatroom

A Man talks to a Lawyer

A man talks to a lawyer and says "My wife wants to divorce me."

"On what grounds?" The lawyer asks.

"On any ground where she can get a judge to okay it." The man responded.

The lawyer tries again with "I mean does she have any ground for the divorce?"

"Yeah she owns half ...

How do Russian sheep talk?

They CYKA BLEAT

Let’s talk about Roman numerals....

What are they good IV?

Why do Breast Cancer survivors not like to talk about their treatment of the cancer?

It brings them bad mammaries.

Why doesn't anyone ever talk about the Honda Jesus used to own?

Because he didn't speak of his own accord.

Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?

"Hello! Do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"

"No- wait, Dracula?"

"Yes!"

"You're vampires?"

"Yes. We have pamphlets."

"Vampires have missionaries?"

"Where else would new vampires come from?"

"I assumed you bit people."

"There are many h...

Studies show cows produce more milk when the Farmer talks to them

It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder

The multiple times I talk to God it's called praying

But the one time God talks back to me I'm labeled as a schizophrenic

I don’t understand all this talk about borders...

...wasn’t that bookstore closed years ago?

A dying billionaire called in his doctor, lawyer, and priest for a talk.

"For all your years of friendship and faithful service I've left each of you a generous gift in my will, but I want each of you to do one last thing for me. Here is one million dollars cash for each of you. I want you to slip it into my coffin before I'm buried. I want to see if everyone is wrong an...

My wife and I had a talk about my drinking problem;

She said: "I think you need to abstain from alcohol and face your problems."

I responded: "I need absinthe for my problems? And here I though I was the one with the drinking problems!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can't stand all this homo and hetero talk lately

It's all Greek to me

What do gods talk about in their spare time?

Nothing much. Just idol chatter

A patient talks to his therapist after a suicide attempt

"So Greg, I've been informed that you attempted suicide the other day. Is this correct?" asks the therapist.

"Yes, it is unfortunately true. My wife decided to divorce me and the kids chose to live with her, it struck me hard man." said Greg.

"I know this is gonna be hard for you to do...