UPJOKE
babbleblabspeakdiscourselecturecommunicatechattersingtattleyackgossipconversationpeachbabble outspeech

Talk Jokes

Venus Williams and Bruno Mars were sitting at a bar talking about where they were from.



The bartender said, "Hey - you two should write a book!"

I have a friend that accuses me of pushing him around and talking behind his back

He is in a wheelchair and we get along quite well.

A guy gets on an airplane and finds himself sitting next to a talking duck.

A gorgeous young stewardess comes by and asks the guy and the duck if they would like anything to drink.

"I would like a cup of coffee, please," says the guy.

"And I'd like a can of beer, you ugly pig!" shouts the duck.

The stewardess goes and gets a can of beer for the duck. Bu...

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were talking.

The Chinese man is proudly telling the Jewish man about his heritage. “We can trace our history back for over 3,000 years,” he exclaims with pride!

“We’ll, that’s very impressive,” replies the Jewish man, “but our history goes back for almost 6,000 years!”

The Chinese man, after some c...

The other night I overheard three very hefty women talking

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked: "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched: "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied: "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's...

Alyssa: “I’ve had it up to here with you, John! You think I talk like a pirate and you never buy me flowers!

John: “You want to know something? I do think you talk like a pirate! And I didn’t even know you sold flowers!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old jews are talking in Odessa.

-What's the news?

-Have you not heard? There is a war!

-who is fighting?

-Russia says it is at war with NATO.

-How's is it going?

-70,000 Russians are dead, they have lost thousands of tanks, used up most of their missiles, and their economy is collapsing.

...

If you don't know what to talk about on a first date try mentioning Global Warming.

It's a huge icebreaker.

My girlfriend wanted to talk to me about ‘how childish I am’

But she didn’t know the password to my pillow fort so she couldn’t get in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was getting bored with the sex life with her husband, and decided some sexy talk would spice things up. So one day when things are getting intimate she says to her husband, "say dirty things to me." The husband smiles, leans in and gently brushing his lips to her ear whispers...

"^the ^dishes, ^^the ^^living ^^room ^^carpet, ^^^behind ^^^the ^^^fridge"

What do you call it when apples have a heart-to-heart talk?

Core-spondence

Time traveler talks to a mathematician

The time traveler says, "Hello, in my grad school I have learned that it is impossible for any number which is a power greater than the second to be written as the sum of two like powers such as x^n + y^n = z^n for n > 2."

"Show me how you proved it," the mathematician says.

"Indeed...

Three ghosts were talking about what was keeping them from being promoted from ghoul to specter.



The first confessed, "I have a weakness for boooooooooooooobs."

The second admitted, "I drink too much boooooooooooooze."

The third said, "I lack situational awareness."

I was talking with a man who had 24 kids...

I asked him how come he had so many kids.

He said, "Well, you see, my wife is hard of hearing."

I asked him what that had to do with anything.

He said, "Every night I ask her 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and every night she replies, 'What.'"

I was talking via sign language with a one armed man…

Problem is I was only getting half of what he was saying.


Thought this up yesterday on a camping trip when my daughter was showing me what she learned at preschool.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing... they keep saying ‘Hi, we’re hot... do you want to *fuck us*?’

"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots... to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filt...

Talking dog for sale

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I...

Anyone know where a guy can find someone to hang out with, maybe have a few beers with, talk to, and kinda just enjoy spending time with?

Asking for a friend.

What do you call a person who keeps on talking after everyone's lost interest?

A teacher

A slender woman met her friend for brunch. Talk turned to the renovations the friend was doing on her very old home.

The friend complained that, due to the very old carpentry and fixtures in the home, she needed a pair of oversized drill bits but couldn't find them anywhere. The first friend pulled out a pair of huge drill bits from her purse and asked if they would do. The second friend was thrilled and asked whe...

When my friends talk about the 80s they think of boom boxes..i had to stop them.

That's just a stereo type

The talking horse

A man is riding his moped on a dark evening along the countryside. At some point his moped's engine starts to stutter and dies. He's now forced to push his moped along this poorly lit road all the way till he gets home.

At some point, somewhere out of the dark, he hears a voice yelling "greas...

A young girl talking to her Mother.

Instead of buying me clothes for Christmas can you send them to all of the girls that haven't got any. Oh so who are these girls that haven't got any clothes?


You know the ones. The ones on daddy's computer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After we had sex, my boyfriend and I were talking over dinner and I asked if, when we were done eating, would he mind putting a load in the dishwasher.

He responded, "The one earlier wasn't enough?"

(This actually just happened but I had to reword it a tiny bit to make it into a punchline)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pickle, a cucumber, and a penis were talking about how horrible their lives are...

The cucumber says, "my life sucks. I get left in the garden until I'm huge. Then cut into pieces and put in a salad."

The pickle says, "That's nothing! I get to sit in a jar with vinegar till I get swollen. Then I get eaten."

The penis laughs and says, " When I get huge, they thro...

What do you call a psychic that only talks to male spirits?

Misogymystic

The CEO's wife was visiting the office and talking to her husband's secretary.



After a while she commented, "You know, your grammar is not very good. You're always confusing 'me' and 'I'."

The secretary replied, "Maybe, but your husband is worse. He's always confusing me with you."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Grandpa was talking to his Grandson.

Grandpa: "What has 4 legs but isn't alive?"

Grandson: " A chair ha!! ha!!! nice try Gramps.."

Grandpa: It's your dog Billy, I backed over the little bastard in the driveway"

I found a talking frog outside.

He speaks english, spanish, and french. I introduced my friends to the frog and they seem to really like him. Now, the whole neighborhood is knocking at my door wanting to talk to the frog.

I don’t get it, his conversations aren’t that ribbet-ing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two cowboys are out riding the range and talking about their favorite sex positions

The first cowboy says the “rodeo” position is his favorite.

The second cowboy says he’s never heard of it before and asks how to do it.

The first cowboy responds, “Well, you mount your lady from behind then reach down and grab her tits. Then you whisper ‘these feel almost as good as ...

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!"

The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the government is". The parrot shaking start saying "Putin is a genius", and "Putin is the best democrati...

A Circle was talking to his other circle friends, he said did you know that our buddy circle hooked up with that lady circle? And circles asked...

Venn?

Scientists say that talking to dairy cows helps them to produce more milk

>!It's in one ear and out the udder!<

Two friends, George and Ted, were sitting in a bar and talking.

"I just don't know what to do about my son," George said sadly. "He graduated from high school last year, and he still hasn't enrolled in any colleges or gotten a job."

"Maybe I could help your son get a job at the local hospital," said Ted. "I work there, you know. If your son starts working...

Free

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. However, their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 tampons were walking down the road. who talked first?

Neither. They're both stuck up cunts.

Two atoms were talking to each other…

and one said, "I think I might have just lost an electron." The other atom asked, "Are you sure?" The first atom replied, "Yes, I'm positive."

I was talking to a coworker about how I remember using a rotary telephone. She said "Wow. You're dating yourself."

I looked down at my hand and replied "No. We're just friends with benefits.".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old men were talking at an assisted living facility

One man said "You know, I think my wife may be dead!"

The second man asked "Why would you think that?!"

"Well," said the first man "the sex is about the same but the laundry's piling up."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Ce...

What do jokes that talk about mailmen always have in common?

They always have a good delivery.

A conquistador was talking to a native about the superiority of his civilization.

"Unlike you savages we do not partake in cannibalism or human sacrifice. Now eat your body and blood of Christ or we'll burn you at the stake!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy talking to his mate Dave.

Guy: You still working as a part time comedian Dave?

Dave: Yeah, I done a gig at the Alzheimer's society club,

they liked my first joke so much I told it again and again.

In fact I told it 35 times, this old bloke came up to me after

and said, I don't know how the fuck yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand, so they sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does abou...

Does anyone want to meet up irl and play games together? Or we could just hang out and talk about life

Asking for a friend.

Brittney Griner and Viktor Bout are talking during prisoner exchange, arguing about who lives in a freer country.

Brittney says, "America is the best! I can go to the White House, demand to see the president, and tell him I don't like the way he's running this country."

"Big deal," Viktor says, "I can do that too."

"You can?" Brittney says.

"Sure," says Viktor. I can walk up to the Kremlin...

I haven’t talked to my wife in 7 years.

I just don’t want to interrupt her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

Jack Sparrow was talking to Forrest Gump.

Jack asked, "Do you know what a pirate's favorite drink is?"

Forrest thinks for a second, and says "Hi-C?"

Jack shakes his head.

Forrest thinks again and says "Oh, I know. It's Arrrr-Sea Cola."

Jack shakes his head again and says "Rum, Forrest. Rum".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was put in jail for talking out of his ass.



It was a bum rap.

Three priests are talking after dinner ...

Three priests meet up for dinner. After dinner they're talking about how they divide up the collection from the congregation between the church and themselves. The first priest says, I draw a circle on the ground and throw all the money up in air. Whatever falls in the circle I keep and the rest goe...

I talk a lot about women in my jokes, because let's face it –

if I was hungry, I would talk about food.

My landlord wants to talk to me about why my heating bill is so high.

I told him my door is always open.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Surgeon Talk

Five surgeons were talking about the best patients...



The first surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered."



The second surgeon says, "Nah - librarians are the best. Everything inside them is...

A sponge was talking to her friend the sea urchin about her upcoming vacation.

“Do you have any big plans?”, asked the sea urchin.

“Not really,” answered the sponge. “I'm just going to soak up the scenery.”

An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus full of nuns crashed and they all line up at the gates to heaven to talk to St. Peter

The first admits: "I've once seen a penis!" so St. Peter oders her to wash her eyers from a basin with holy water

the second admits: "I've once touched a penis", so she is told to wash her hands from the same basin.

Suddenly there is pushing and rumbling a bit further back in the line....

The Democrats have a plan to make the Republicans sound stupid.

Operation "Just Let Them Talk"

Four doctors are talking. "The British doctor says, medicine is so advanced in Britain that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."

The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job."

The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job."

The...

Pope died and arrived in heaven

St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St. Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me..."

The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catho...

A man talks to God

He says: "What is a million years to you?"
God answers: "A second"
The man the asks: "What is a million dollars to you?"
God answers: "A penny"
Man: "Can I have a penny?"
God: "Just a second"
Man: ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two teenagers are talking about their girlfriends

Rick: My babe is 18 already and has huge tits, what about yours?

Josh: She is 42 and amazing in bed, like you wouldn't believe.

Rick: 42?! She could be your mother, man!

Josh: Could be. But she's yours.

Greta thunberg began screaming,

“I will not fly private!” She said to her manager as they pulled into the parking lot.

“The conference is two days away and across the ocean, would you like to fly coach?” He replied.

“On a commercial airline produced by slave labor? I don’t think so!” She screamed.

Her manag...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I got into a fight a month ago and since then she doesn't talk with me anymore.

We have sex every day but I need to do all the work because she doesn't move either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can I improve this joke I wrote?

A man one day hears a buzzing noise from the spare bedroom in his house and when he goes to open the door it's locked. His wife walks out 15 minutes later looking very relaxed and he asks her what that noise was.

She tells him its the new vibrator she bought and its amazing! The next day the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three psychiatrists are having a drink after work, talking about their newest patients.

The first one says, “My most recent patient works as a telemarketer. She has a lot of hang ups.”

The second one added, “I have a new patient who works at the sewage treatment plant. He’s into a lot of crazy shit.”

The third one is silent, but after some prodding says “We’ll, I can’t ...

A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.

A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.

The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".

This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are talking about sex with their girlfriends.

Says the first guy: “Dude, have you ever tried doing it in the other hole?” His buddy is outraged: “Are you crazy? She could get pregnant that way!”

My wife and I talked about it, and we decided we don't want children.

We're telling them tonight. Hope they understand.

A man goes to prison for robbery.

After getting sorted, processed, and settled, it's lights out and he gets ready to sleep. After a few minutes he hears someone yell out "Forty Six!" and the whole cell block erupts in laughter. A few more moments pass and someone else calls out "Sixteen!" and again, the whole cell block starts laugh...

A frantic blonde calls out a May Day

The frantic young blonde calls out a May Day. "My pilot has had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly."

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. Eve...

A man goes before Saint Peter...

Saint Peter asks 'Where were you born?'
The man thinks for a moment and says 'Austria-Hungary, Lemberg.'
'Where did you go to school?'
'Poland, Lwow.'
'Where were you married?'
'The Ukrainian S.S.R., Lviv.'
Surprised, Saint Peter asks 'Where was your first child born?' ...

Three dogs were talking about their lives.

The Swiss dog said, “When I’m hungry I bark and my owners bring me meat.”

The Ethiopian dog said, “What is meat?”

The North Korean dog said, “What is bark?”

At an international scout camp, three boys were talking about where babies come from.

A German boy said that the stork brings babies, while a French boy said it involved the mother and father. The American boy was silent.

After some prodding, he finally said “Well, with us it depends on whether you’re from a red state or a blue one.”

it's international Talk Like A Pirate Day! enjoy a cross-re-post.

What's a Pirate's favourite letter?

You'd think it'd be r, but a pirate's first love is the C.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man saw an ad in the newspaper for a free talking dog...

He thought it was impossible, so he went to the address to check it out.
Standing at the fence to the backyard of the house was a normal-looking German Shepherd.

The man, wanting to prove the ad wrong asked the dog, "so are you the talking dog?"

Surprisingly, the dog replied, "yeah...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are granted 3 wishes

3 men stumble upon a lamp and they rub it, and out comes a genie. The genie says

"I will grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first man thinks long and hard, and then says

"I want to have a million dollars"

The genie snaps his fingers and poof, the man now has a million dol...

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

President Joe Biden just had a meeting with the Cabinet.

Now he’s talking with the couch

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly woman is sitting behind two loud and boisterous Italian men on a bus.

The two men are drawing looks and glares from the rest of the riders, but aside from rolling her eyes from time to time, she keeps her thoughts to herself. The ride continues like this for awhile, until the woman hears the following exchange from one of the Italian men to the other:

"Emma com...

Two factory workers are talking among themselves.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

To which the woman answers, "Just wait and watch."
She hangs herself upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in, takes a look at her and asks, "What are you doing?"...

How do you talk with bacteria?

By cellphone.

A farmer drove to a neighbour's farmhouse and knocked at the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.
"Is your dad or your mum home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town".
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with mum and dad".
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himse...

I refuse to talk to anyone who has less than 10 toes.

I am lack toes intolerant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First joke I've written, would like some feedback please

There's this guy with a crush on a cashier at the grocery store so he asks her to go on a date and she says yes.

She's got a lot of piercings and while on the date the guy asks her what made her decide to get so many piercings.

She tells him, "when I'm disappointed with a part of my ...

Two dairy farmers are in a bar talking shop.

Dairy farmer 1: I’ve discovered a method of making cheese that results in 100% curds.

Dairy farmer 2: no whey!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat.

The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while taking out his water bottle from his school bag. Once he got close...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three rottweilers at the vet

So Three Rottweilers are at the vet in the waiting room, to be seen. They are looking at each other with curiosity.

One finally talks to one of them and asks, what are you doing here?

The other explains to him, that he was lying quietly in the sun in the front garden when the postman ...

Three old farts talking

Three very elderly men are discussing their medical woes.

The 70-year-old says,

\- “I have an awful time with my bladder. I have to go all the time, and sometimes it comes on pretty suddenly."

The 80-year-old says,

\- “It’s my bowels. Hardly any control at all. Always h...

A man was once gifted a pet parrot.

The parrot was beautiful, and trained to talk by its previous owners. Unfortunately, it only swore loudly and angrily whenever it wanted attention.

To try to stop this, he put the parrot in a box. The man told the parrot, "I am putting you in this box because you wont stop swearing." For the ...

When Sean Connery first learned to talk..

he would pronounce his name like "Sawn."

His mother explained, "no dear, the S makes a "SH" sound.

And the resht is hishtory.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life in a nursing home

An old man was put into a nursing home by his son. He is unsure if he will adjust to the new living situation.

On his first morning in the home, the old man awoke with an erection. A beautiful blonde nurse had entered his room to check on him and upon seeing it, bent down and blew him without...

Infidelity upgraded

A couple in the Philippines is celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. When their guests left, they started talking privately.

Husband: It's been 25 years since we exchanged our vows. Was there a time that you cheated on me?

Wife: My guilt haunts me, but now I'm willing to confess....

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

Faith

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sat my son down for the sex talk.

I said, "Son, what are you supposed to do before you have sex?"

He said, "Trim your pubes."

I said, "No. Something else."

He said, "Clean your penis?"

I said, "No."

He said, "Jesus! No wonder mum never has sex with you."

Three soldiers are talking about how they would solve different problems...

When asked what would they do if they woke up in the middle of the night with a hole in their tent, the Army private says "I would dig through my pack to find something to repair it until morning"; the Marine says "I'd roll over and go back to sleep, a Marine can handle getting a little wet"; the Ai...

Boy talking to Grandpa.

Boy: Grandpa can you make a noise like a frog?

Grandpa: No I can't, why do you ask?

Boy: Well Grandma said I can go to Disney Land when you croak..

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

How do billboards talk

Sign language

A heist goes wrong and the hostages are on the verge of being executed.

The nervous gunman makes some small talk with the hostages and asks a woman her name.

"Martha." she replies. The gunman is taken aback, and says "Martha.. that was my mother's name. I can't kill you. Go, run to the exit and don't look back."

After the woman is rescued by the police out...

My wife says I have two major flaws

One is that I never listen when she talks to me, and two was something else.

I'm a physicist.

It’s 3 AM. A woman paces angrily in her house waiting for her physicist husband to come home. Finally he does. As he walks through the door she glares and demands “where have you been!?” Sheepishly, the physicist husband tries to explain himself. He says, “well my colleagues and I went out just for ...

Someone told me I should talk to my parents more, but I'm too big.

In order to talk to my parents, I have to be a medium.

My Uncle Jackie turned 80 years young today. He loves telling jokes. Here is one he tells every Thanksgiving, and it gets a huge laugh every time. Enjoy, and Happy birthday Uncle Jackie!

A 75 year old man, his hair is completely white, marries a 22 year old girl and she gets pregnant. Nine months later he is siting in the maternity ward, talking to the nurse.

"Hey! Well how'd I do?"

The nurse says "she had twins!"

"Hehehe! Just goes to show, even if there is ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said "Don't talk about sex until we're married"

Now we're married she says "you can TALK about sex all you want.."

A man dies one day and finds himself in Hell, much to his surprise.

The man has never sinned, he has attended church somewhat regularly and often gives to charity.

He asks at the gate if there has been a mistake to which the ferryman gives no answer.

He figures there is little hope for him, but somehow he will make the best of his situation.

He ...

People get weirded out because I talk to myself a lot,

I just want to have an intelligent conversation..

Putin goes undercover as a drill sergeant. Talking to a new recruit, he asks

- Where are you from, private?
- Sir, St. Petersburg
- Oh, I'm from there too. Who's your father?
- Sir, my father is President Vladimir Putin.
- That is impossible, how can that be?
- Sir, people always say that President Putin is father of our country.

Surprised but pleased, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two coworkers, Fred & Jim, come in to work on Monday.

Fred immediately says to Jim "you won't believe my weekend. I went to the club Saturday and met up with this woman. We wound up getting a hotel room and went at it all night, she was absolutely incredible. I have to say she was even better than my wife. You've got to meet this woman."

The nex...

We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."

"Stairs don't talk!"

My friend and I were talking about pirated movie in China

Friend: I can watch a whole movie on Bilbili

Me: There are basically no Copyright in China, because the people there have no right.

Friend: So they left with copy. And they think copy is right

Two schoolgirls are talking about who to vote for Class President.

"I'm voting for Mark. He's so dreamy!"

"I'm not voting for that big horndog. Every time he sees me he gets turned on. He tries to act like it's not happening, but it's pretty obvious."

"So?"

"I'm not voting for an erection denier."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich guy and a poor guy are talking with each other....

Both of them are discussing what they got their wives for their anniversary.

The rich guy tells he got his wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes. The poor guy is amazed and asked him why he got two gifts for her.
The rich guy said, "Well, if she doesn't like the ring, she can go and return...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl I was talking to online enquired about my penis size...

She said that she only asked because she has dated nothing but "pencil-dick" guys before, but they were awkward to work with and never brought her the satisfaction she desired in from a partner.

I assured her "You don't have to worry about that with me, my penis is waaaaaaaay shorter then 7.5...

It was July 17, 1946

The temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, had invented the first automobile air-conditioner.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy loses his penis in an accident.

He asks the doctor if there’s any hope of reconstruction. The doctor says “Sure. There have been a lot of medical advancements lately, but it’s not cheap.”

“How much does it cost?” asked the man.

“About $1,000 an inch. You should probably discuss this with your wife and let me know wha...

How does the nucleus talk to the ribosomes?

Via “cell phone”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If a man talks dirty to a woman, that’s sexual harassment. If a woman talks dirty to a man….

…that’s $7 a minute.

What kind of berries are these?

\- What kind of berries are these?

\- These are red Currants

\- Then Why are they yellow?

\- Because they are green



Joke explanation for those who didn't understand really fun and smart joke.

So this joke is from Lithuania (it is a country in Europe) So fo...

Hearing aid

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%.

A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 generations of prostitutes are talking about how much they charged for oral sex

Daughter says she charges $100 because she's worth it. Mother admits she only charged $50 when she was active. To which grandma says "In my time we were just happy to get something warm in out bellies"

A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds:

"You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

What do you call a support group for people who talk too much?

On and on Anon

Trump kept talking about restoring "law and order."

I don't know about you, but I'd rather vote for a candidate who wants to restore Firefly.

A blonde was visiting the zoo and reached the big cat exhibit.



"I wonder what these tigers would say if they could talk," she said to the man next to her.

He replied, "I'm pretty sure they'd say 'We are leopards.'".

Why should you never talk to pi?

Because it will go on forever.

When I was 16 my bestfriend got super mad at me once and wouldnt talk to me for nearly 4 months for smelling his sisters underwear.

Idk if it was because she was still wearing them or that there was a lot of people around us, but either way, it made the rest of the funeral super awkward

My deaf girlfriend told me, "We need to talk."

That's definitely not a good sign.

I have a friend from Vietnam I talk to every Friday night

I got to know him really well, he was fascinated with America and had really good English (and a good sense of humor) he told me “I don’t know what that “American Dream” is, but I know the European Dream is no America.”

People talk too much about stuff like pollution and corruption

They forget that, nowadays, whataboutism is also a huge problem.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here's a joke I wrote... maybe it's dumb, but really fun to tell.

So, I went to the Home Depot today and stumbled upon this new device used in the emergency room to re-attach a man's private parts after an accident. And guess what? It's nothing but a staple gun! But, sometimes, they mess up and attach it to the wrong person, and I heard they had to invent ANOTHER ...

What kind of doctor do you talk to when you call the hospital after hours?

An On-call-ogist

I wish that there was a restaurant named “I don't care,”

so I'd finally know where my girlfriend was talking about.

Joe and Bernie remained friends in their old age.

One day, they were on a park bench and Joe says, "Man, when I was married, I would bang my wife every chance I got." Bernie says, "Yeah, me, too." Joe: "You never had a wife!" Bernie: "Oh, I thought we were talking about yours."

I once told my dad

that I had an imaginary girlfriend.

My dad sighed and said, “You know, you could do better.”

“Thanks, Dad,” I said.

My dad shook his head and said, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”

People keep telling me that I'm a condescending person

( That means I talk down to people. )

A man goes to see his doctor.

The doctor asks him what the problem is.
The man says, "I'm really not sure how to describe it. I guess the best way is for you to hold your stethoscope to my thigh and have a listen."
The doctor holds his stethoscope to the man's thigh and hears a little voice say, " Hey man, can I borrow $2...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus stops and two Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

“Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asse...

Zelensky and Putin both die during peace talk bombings

As they regain their senses, they find themselves in front of the gates of Heaven. Shortly after that Saint Peter approaches them and says: „Welcome to the gates of Heaven. While I guess we all know where you two belong to respectively, I‘m sorry to inform you we have some formalities to go through ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man takes his wheelchair-bound girlfriend down to the riverbank

After laying on the grass and talking, he asks: "have you ever been cuddled"?
"no" she smiles, and they cuddle.
Twenty minutes later, he asks: "have you ever been snogged?"
Again, she smiles, "no", and they passionately kiss.
It's going well and trying his luck, he whispers: "have you...

Arkansas.

Two rednecks, Dale and Billy Ray, were walking downtown, window shopping and suddenly, they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $10 each, shirts $2 each, trousers $3 each".

Dale says to his buddy, "Billy Ray, looky there! We could buy a whole gob of these, take 'em back to Arkansas, sel...

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady walked into a bar with her service dog

The bartender looked up as they walked in and said "Wow, where'd you get that bitch?"

The woman, shocked, stated "I'll have you know this is a purebred French poodle!"

And the bartender said "Lady, I was TALKING to the poodle!"

A man walked up to the most beautiful woman in the supermarket and asked, "You know, I have lost my wife here in the supermarket?" "Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman is intrigued and asks him, "Why?"

The man replies, "Because every time I start talking to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere".

What do you call someone who sleeps around and talks alot?

Horchata

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.