Two men, Jim and John, are walking their dogs when they pass by a restaurant.

“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggests.

“We can’t,” responds John. “Don’t you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?”

“Oh, that sign?” says Jim. “Don’t worry about it.”

Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, t...

The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I passed her glue by mistake

She still isn’t talking to me

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?"

The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequila. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gott...

Why couldn't Medusa pass a drug test?

She was a stoner.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.

A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?"

The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip y...

When your sister says daddy pass the salt...

...and you, your dad, her boyfriend, your uncle, and your cousin all grab the salt.

Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me

Im failing Marine Biology but I think I should still pass.

My grade is below C level.

Why don’t fish pass their exams?

Because they work below C-Level.

My teacher said our class was do dumb not even 80% of us would pass the test

She’s the dumb one, we don’t even have that much people in our class!

I made a pass at my mother-in-law, and now my wife is furious.

She tripped over the ball and broke her nose.

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other ...

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

How do Marine Animals pass new Legislation?

They ask the Seal of Approval.

At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

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Three people pass out in the middle of a forest

When they wake up, there is a man pointing a gun at them.
He tells them to each go find 10 of one fruit and come back.
The first person comes with apples and the man tells them to shove it up their ass without making any face or expression.
He did one, but cried on the second one and was...

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A husband and wife had been arguing all day. They pass a herd of obnoxious jerks. The wife says "Relatives of yours?"

The husband says "Yep, in-laws."

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It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach...

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when ...

I was driving home last night and as I looked in my rear view mirror I saw a big van which said 'Ambulance' on the front with sirens blaring trying to pass me.

Yeah nice try I thought, I'm not moving, it's clearly a fake. The word 'Ambulance' is always written backwards on real ones.

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Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duck tape

Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duct tape. Old timer asked the kid "hey son what are you going to do with that duct tape?" The boy said " im going to catch some ducks with it". Old timer said " you cant catch ducks with that". The boy said "watch me old man".

L...

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I heard, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS," come booming out of my ass while sitting on the toilet.

There must be a Bowelrog stuck up there.

If you pass your AirPods to your kid...

Do they become HeirPods?

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A sadist and a masochist pass each other on the street.

The masochist recognizes the sadist for their nature and says with anticipation, 'Beat me.'

The sadist begins to smile and say to the masochist, 'No.'

Chuck Norris once passed 6 kidney stones.

They were then subsequently collected by Thanos to wipe out half of all life in the universe.

How do dolphins and whales pass down and share knowledge through the generations?

Via podcasts, naturally.

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It is impossible for a human to pass another full grown human through the anal cavity...

I shit you not ... literally

If Bruce Willis were to pass away with an erection

He would die hard

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.

The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already
want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?"

"Well, I j...

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How do you pass sex ed?

You have to learn all the ins and outs.

Why can’t fish pass high school?

They’re all below C level.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bunga Bunga

Three men were exploring a large uncharted island. While hiking through the thick forest they were ambushed at spear-point by a tribe of large aboriginal men. The tribesmen tied their hands behind their backs and marched them through the forest to a small village, busy with working men, and gorgeous...

Why do obese people always pass their exams?

Because they're too big to fail.

Apparently, even if you hit kids during your driving test, you'll still pass.

They're only considered to be minors.

I was at dinner the other day with my girlfriend and her parents when she said "Could you pass me the knife daddy?"

I knew I was dead when both her dad and I stood up.

I studied Suicide in college but didn't pass the final...

I only got hesitation marks.

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St. Peter and Jesus made a deal to only let the people who died in an interesting way pass through the gates of Heaven...

After a while, the first man comes to the gates of Heaven. "We have a new rule about which people we can let pass through. How did you die, my son?", asked St. Peter. "Well it's a pretty interesting story. I was late for work, and I was in a hurry. Halfway to my job, I remembered that I forgot my ph...

I tried very hard to pass my culinary school finals

But I'm still constipated.

The tiny door to the magic castle was barely big enough to crawl through. It was carved with a half-lion, half-eagle, and guarded by a fearsome raven that would only allow you to pass if you breathed on its foot...

So basically you had to huff n puff on the raven claw then slither in the griffon door.

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My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday

I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"

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[NSFW] Two doctors pass each other in a hallway and one asks to borrow the other's pen

So the other says, "Sure, here you go."

The first doctor looks at what he was just handed and says, "This isn't a pen. It's a rectal thermometer."

The other says, "Sorry, some asshole has my pen."

Two psychics pass each other in the street

One says to the other: "You're doing fine. How am I?"

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When I pass gas and people look to me as if I was the culprit,

I blame the asshole behind me.

Why do only 2 Mexicans pass the border once at a time?

Because the sign says no tres-passing.

3 men pass away and are in line at the pearly gates.

3 men pass away and are in line at the pearly gates.

St. Peter is there and he is checking to see how they lived their lives.

First man steps up and Saint Peter says, “you lived a good life. You were faithful to your wife and never cheated on her. You get to ride up to heaven in t...

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" ...

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Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:

The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess...

You hear about the kid that threw his biology test in the trash, yet still managed to pass?

Turns out, it was bio-D-gradable.

A group of prisoners pass the time telling jokes to each other.

Unfortunately their repertoire is limited and they soon know them all by heart; indeed they even start referring to their jokes by number. One prisoner says: "Do you remember number thirteen?" And everyone chuckles. Another says, "That reminds me of joke number six!" Again everyone laughs. "Or numbe...

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I made a machine to help me pass history class.

"How do you use it?"

"Just give the button APUSH"

American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey"

Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"

Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"

Son, will you pass me the Dop Ted?

"What's a dop ted?"


"You are! You're adopted."


"Very funny Dad."


"I'm not your dad."

What is it called when too many people pass gas inside of a mine?

An excess stench hole crisis.

I wondered what my parents did to pass time when they were younger.

I asked my 19 brothers and sisters but they didn't know either.

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?...

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Why do DJs like to pass gas?

*It gives them a chance to put their shit on BLAST!!*



I'm so sorry. I'll show myself out...

It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby.

Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.

Why Can't the Horse Government Ever Pass Anything?

All they can say is neigh.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two blokes were on a plane one day.......

........ and they were sitting side by side. Coincidentally, they each had one black eye. They started talking.. 'hey mate do you mind if I ask how you got your black eye?'. 'Yeah no worries', the other one responded. 'I was at the airport check in and when I got to the counter, I couldn't help but ...

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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house a...

I hope I pass away like my grandpa. Peacefully in his sleep.

Not wide awake like his passengers.

Edited because I suck.

A man owned a Greek island, but there so much paperwork that came with tourists travelling there that he always had to sit inside working. Eventually, he decided to pass the island on to someone else. This way he could spend more time outside and focus on his real passion - maths.

So, he signed over Kos and got a tan instead.

(thought I would pass this along) One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class...

**Teacher**: What kind of wife would you like Johnny?
**Johnny**: I would want a wife like the moon.
**Teacher**: Wow! What a choice...Do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?

**Johnny**: No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

You never know when half of your life will pass

So I aim to have a midlife crisis everyday

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They started adding porn to the elevators in my building to pass the time.

First you get on, then you get off.

I'm not passive aggressive.

Unlike *some* people.

A Mexican attempts to pass the border

A Mexican attempts to pass the border

A border control officer catches them and says, "Papers."
The Mexican replied, "Scissors."
The border control officer replied, "Dammit! Well, you're free to go!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

While on a walk two men pass a bar...

Two friends are out walking their dogs on a hot summer day when they pass a bar.

"Let's stop and grab a drink"

"They don't allow pets - let's just keep going"

"Follow my lead"

The first man walks into the bar, his dog in tow.

"Sorry but we don't allow dogs in here....

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Three boys pass by an old mans house

Three boys pass by an old mans house while he’s on the porch carrying chicken wire.

Old man: why do you kids have all that chicken wire?

Boys: we are going to catch some chickens.

Old man: that’s not how it works?!?

Three hours later the boys come walking back with chic...

Pinocchio could easily pass a polygraph.

Too bad his lies are too on the nose.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church...

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics: "Come to us, accept Catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!" While walking away, the two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously. A week later the two friends ...

TIL: Ropes can pass through themselves

Ohh wait they can knot.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A condom, tampon and bandaid are walking down the street. Which one would say 'hi' as you pass?

The bandaid, because the other two are stuck up cunts.

A couple of Scottish lads were out one night and they pass a small sign for a comedy act.

One friend squints to read it and says, "come on, let's check this out"

The other friend turns to him and says, "Aye, don't go in. He's not funny."

"How d'ya know, have you seen him before?" asks the enquisitive friend.

"Probably." he says, pointing at the tiny sign, "Look, he's...

Praise the Lord and pass me my walking shoes

The preacher laid his hands on my head and said, “Praise Jesus, today you will walk!”

"But... but I'm not paralyzed."

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!

The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you...

why do magicians pass every exam ?

because of trick questions!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How does one pass a Nazi test?

By giving all the Reich answers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lesson 6 of 6: The Bird, the Cat and the Cow dung

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While she was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on her. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, she began to realize how warm she was getting, as the ...

The year is 1804 and a young man enlists on a ship..

..his first voyage is to last 3 years, and even though the work is hard the young man takes to it like a fish in water.

After only a few days he is running the riggin like an old hand, he swabs the decks without complaint and spends his free time in amicable companionship playing cards or tel...

An American walks into an Irish bar.

While on vacation, an American walks into an Irish pub and orders a drink. After a minute he says out loud, "I'll bet anyone in here $1,000 if they can take 10 shots of Jameson in a row, without stopping or vomiting." The bar gets quiet except for one man who gets up and walks out. The American laug...

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Could you please pass the butter?

Two buddies are having lunch one day discussing women, one of the guys says

#1-"Man, yesterday I fucked up bad!"

#2-"Oh yeah? How so?"

#1-" I was at the check-in counter at the airport and this beautiful blonde with huge tits was helping me. I said, gimme a round trip ticket to ...

Don’t you love having your gym pass on your keys? It’s so convenient!

Every time they fall under my car seat, the pass makes it so easy to pick up!

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates, and St. Peter decides which vehicle to give them.

“Heaven is a big place,” he says. “You’ll need something to get around. What I give you is based on how well you treated your marriage on Earth.”

The first guy says, “Marriage was difficult for me. We both had affairs and eventually got divorced after 10 years. But I still tried to live a goo...