Two men, Jim and John, are walking their dogs when they pass by a restaurant.

“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggests.

“We can’t,” responds John. “Don’t you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?”

“Oh, that sign?” says Jim. “Don’t worry about it.”

Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, t...

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I passed her glue by mistake

She still isn’t talking to me

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.

A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?"

The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip y...

Hey bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?

Brochure.

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Two business men are flying first class on an airplane...

They are both wearing suits, carrying briefcases, and both of them have a black eye.

Wondering what the odds of their circumstances are, they start up a conversation

Man #1: “Hey buddy, kinda funny that we’re both dressed for business, flying first class, and we both have black eyes. ...

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?"

The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequila. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gott...

How do you say in two words that three people can’t pass beyond this point.

No Trespassing!

My girlfriend wants me to read Pride and Prejudice, but I think I’ll pass.

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that it’ll try to lecture me.

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other ...

I keep seeing in the news about lawmakers attempting to pass laws allowing teachers to concealed carry...

Math is hard enough for some students

Now they'll have to worry about Triggernometry as well?!

Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me

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Three guys die and go to hell [LONG]

Satan meets them for orientation. He asks the first one "What was your favorite sin in life?" He replies "It would have to be booze, I stayed drunk all the time." So Satan leads him to a door and opens it to reveal a giant room containing acres of every type of alcoholic drink imaginable; beers, ...

It was mandatory drug test day at my company, and we were standing in line awaiting our turn. Finally, the tester came by with his kit, took one look at me and said, "Sir, you even look stoned. Do you think you can pass this drug test"?

"Sure, man", I said. Then I promptly grabbed the kit and passed it to the guy next to me.

Needless to say, I passed!

Why couldn't Medusa pass a drug test?

She was a stoner.

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

I aced the interview for my dream job and now i just need to pass the drug test

I'm gonna nail this too I do so many drugs

A man was eating in a restaurant when he desperately needed to pass gas.

The music was really, really loud, so he timed his gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, he started to feel better. He finished his coffee and noticed that everybody was staring at him. Then he suddenly remembered he was listening to his iPod.

So my commander in the army decided to tell a story to pass the time...

Commander: Today very boring, nevermind, I tell y'all a story.

Usually when me and the other commanders gather around we like talk about experiences the night before with our wives before we book in (come back into camp).

So commander A was telling us over breakfast that his wife made...

My teacher said our class was do dumb not even 80% of us would pass the test

She’s the dumb one, we don’t even have that much people in our class!

Im failing Marine Biology but I think I should still pass.

My grade is below C level.

"Hello sir would you like to sign this petition in support of the Cheese Act that congress is trying to pass?"

"Yeah sure I'm pro-volone"

Why don’t fish pass their exams?

Because they work below C-Level.

If you pass your AirPods to your kid...

Do they become HeirPods?

How do Marine Animals pass new Legislation?

They ask the Seal of Approval.

At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

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Three people pass out in the middle of a forest

When they wake up, there is a man pointing a gun at them.
He tells them to each go find 10 of one fruit and come back.
The first person comes with apples and the man tells them to shove it up their ass without making any face or expression.
He did one, but cried on the second one and was...

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It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach...

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when ...

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Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duck tape

Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duct tape. Old timer asked the kid "hey son what are you going to do with that duct tape?" The boy said " im going to catch some ducks with it". Old timer said " you cant catch ducks with that". The boy said "watch me old man".

L...

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A husband and wife had been arguing all day. They pass a herd of obnoxious jerks. The wife says "Relatives of yours?"

The husband says "Yep, in-laws."

I made a pass at my mother-in-law, and now my wife is furious.

She tripped over the ball and broke her nose.

I was driving home last night and as I looked in my rear view mirror I saw a big van which said 'Ambulance' on the front with sirens blaring trying to pass me.

Yeah nice try I thought, I'm not moving, it's clearly a fake. The word 'Ambulance' is always written backwards on real ones.

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.

The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already
want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?"

"Well, I j...

Chuck Norris once passed 6 kidney stones.

They were then subsequently collected by Thanos to wipe out half of all life in the universe.

If Bruce Willis were to pass away with an erection

He would die hard

How do dolphins and whales pass down and share knowledge through the generations?

Via podcasts, naturally.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bunga Bunga

Three men were exploring a large uncharted island. While hiking through the thick forest they were ambushed at spear-point by a tribe of large aboriginal men. The tribesmen tied their hands behind their backs and marched them through the forest to a small village, busy with working men, and gorgeous...

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My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday

I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"

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It is impossible for a human to pass another full grown human through the anal cavity...

I shit you not ... literally

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A sadist and a masochist pass each other on the street.

The masochist recognizes the sadist for their nature and says with anticipation, 'Beat me.'

The sadist begins to smile and say to the masochist, 'No.'

Why can’t fish pass high school?

They’re all below C level.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you pass sex ed?

You have to learn all the ins and outs.

I studied Suicide in college but didn't pass the final...

I only got hesitation marks.

I was at dinner the other day with my girlfriend and her parents when she said "Could you pass me the knife daddy?"

I knew I was dead when both her dad and I stood up.

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St. Peter and Jesus made a deal to only let the people who died in an interesting way pass through the gates of Heaven...

After a while, the first man comes to the gates of Heaven. "We have a new rule about which people we can let pass through. How did you die, my son?", asked St. Peter. "Well it's a pretty interesting story. I was late for work, and I was in a hurry. Halfway to my job, I remembered that I forgot my ph...

Two psychics pass each other in the street

One says to the other: "You're doing fine. How am I?"

I tried very hard to pass my culinary school finals

But I'm still constipated.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

The tiny door to the magic castle was barely big enough to crawl through. It was carved with a half-lion, half-eagle, and guarded by a fearsome raven that would only allow you to pass if you breathed on its foot...

So basically you had to huff n puff on the raven claw then slither in the griffon door.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

Why do only 2 Mexicans pass the border once at a time?

Because the sign says no tres-passing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I pass gas and people look to me as if I was the culprit,

I blame the asshole behind me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:

The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess...

3 men pass away and are in line at the pearly gates.

3 men pass away and are in line at the pearly gates.

St. Peter is there and he is checking to see how they lived their lives.

First man steps up and Saint Peter says, “you lived a good life. You were faithful to your wife and never cheated on her. You get to ride up to heaven in t...

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

​

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] Two doctors pass each other in a hallway and one asks to borrow the other's pen

So the other says, "Sure, here you go."

The first doctor looks at what he was just handed and says, "This isn't a pen. It's a rectal thermometer."

The other says, "Sorry, some asshole has my pen."

American man to wife: "pass the honey... Honey"

Welsh man to wife: "pass the sugar... Sugar"

Scottish man to wife: "pass the milk... ya cow"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the jungle, there is a tree. In this tree lives a monkey, who races down and fucks anybody who happens to pass under it.

One day, the other animals get sick of it and go see the king of the jungle, the lion. They tell him about the monkey, so he agrees to go to the tree and talk to the monkey and put a stop to his actions. He reaches the tree and calls, - Monkey! Come down here, we need to talk. The monkey does not ...

You hear about the kid that threw his biology test in the trash, yet still managed to pass?

Turns out, it was bio-D-gradable.

I wondered what my parents did to pass time when they were younger.

I asked my 19 brothers and sisters but they didn't know either.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two blokes were on a plane one day.......

........ and they were sitting side by side. Coincidentally, they each had one black eye. They started talking.. 'hey mate do you mind if I ask how you got your black eye?'. 'Yeah no worries', the other one responded. 'I was at the airport check in and when I got to the counter, I couldn't help but ...

A group of prisoners pass the time telling jokes to each other.

Unfortunately their repertoire is limited and they soon know them all by heart; indeed they even start referring to their jokes by number. One prisoner says: "Do you remember number thirteen?" And everyone chuckles. Another says, "That reminds me of joke number six!" Again everyone laughs. "Or numbe...

What is it called when too many people pass gas inside of a mine?

An excess stench hole crisis.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I made a machine to help me pass history class.

"How do you use it?"

"Just give the button APUSH"

It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby.

Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.

Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford pass each other in the hallway (Oldie but a goodie)

Richard Nixon and Gerald Ford pass each other in the hallway. Nixon bumps into Ford's shoulder. Embarrassed, Nixon turns to Ford and says "Pardon me!"

And so he did.

I'm not passive aggressive.

Unlike *some* people.

Three men die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates.

He says to the first man, "Welcome to Heaven! Back on Earth, what denomination were you?"

The first man say, "I was a devout Presbyterian".

St. Peter says, "Excellent! Then go to door 10, but when you pass door number 2, be very quiet."

He then asks the second man, "When you wer...

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Why do DJs like to pass gas?

*It gives them a chance to put their shit on BLAST!!*



I'm so sorry. I'll show myself out...

I hope I pass away like my grandpa. Peacefully in his sleep.

Not wide awake like his passengers.

Edited because I suck.

A man owned a Greek island, but there so much paperwork that came with tourists travelling there that he always had to sit inside working. Eventually, he decided to pass the island on to someone else. This way he could spend more time outside and focus on his real passion - maths.

So, he signed over Kos and got a tan instead.

You never know when half of your life will pass

So I aim to have a midlife crisis everyday

(thought I would pass this along) One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class...

**Teacher**: What kind of wife would you like Johnny?
**Johnny**: I would want a wife like the moon.
**Teacher**: Wow! What a choice...Do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?

**Johnny**: No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning...

Pinocchio could easily pass a polygraph.

Too bad his lies are too on the nose.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They started adding porn to the elevators in my building to pass the time.

First you get on, then you get off.

While on a walk two men pass a bar...

Two friends are out walking their dogs on a hot summer day when they pass a bar.

"Let's stop and grab a drink"

"They don't allow pets - let's just keep going"

"Follow my lead"

The first man walks into the bar, his dog in tow.

"Sorry but we don't allow dogs in here....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church...

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics: "Come to us, accept Catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!" While walking away, the two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously. A week later the two friends ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three boys pass by an old mans house

Three boys pass by an old mans house while he’s on the porch carrying chicken wire.

Old man: why do you kids have all that chicken wire?

Boys: we are going to catch some chickens.

Old man: that’s not how it works?!?

Three hours later the boys come walking back with chic...

TIL: Ropes can pass through themselves

Ohh wait they can knot.

A Mexican attempts to pass the border

A border control officer catches them and says, "Papers."

The Mexican replied, "Scissors."

The border control officer replied,"Dammit! Well, you're free to go!"

A husband calls for his wife on his deathbed.

He tells his wife that after he passes away he doesn’t want her to be alone. “Six months after I pass, I think it would be okay for you to marry Joe.”

“Joe?” his wife asks. “But I thought you hated Joe.”

“I do,” the man answers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house a...

Praise the Lord and pass me my walking shoes

The preacher laid his hands on my head and said, “Praise Jesus, today you will walk!”

"But... but I'm not paralyzed."

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!

The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lesson 6 of 6: The Bird, the Cat and the Cow dung

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While she was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on her. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, she began to realize how warm she was getting, as the ...

A couple of Scottish lads were out one night and they pass a small sign for a comedy act.

One friend squints to read it and says, "come on, let's check this out"

The other friend turns to him and says, "Aye, don't go in. He's not funny."

"How d'ya know, have you seen him before?" asks the enquisitive friend.

"Probably." he says, pointing at the tiny sign, "Look, he's...

The vow of silence

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years.

After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Hard bed," he says.

They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask f...

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