This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"
And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn’t talking to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a terrible cruise shipwreck, famous beauty and actress Scarlett Johansson finds herself alone on a deserted island. Hours pass, and only one other man makes it to the island with her. They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was, of course.

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed this guy learned how to provide food and shelter, and started taking care of her, and she took care of him in return. Eventually she started really caring about him. After all, there wasn't anyone else on the island. He eventually built a cabin, had a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'll never forget the last words my uncle said to me before he passed...

"Stop shaking the ladder, you little shit!"

A blonde is on a 2 seater aeroplane when the pilot suddenly passes out.

Not knowing how to fly the plane she grabs the radio and says: "Mayday, mayday, my pilot just died!"

Ground control received her call for help and replies: "Don't worry maam I'll talk you down, just do as I say.”

First I need you to give me your height and position? Blonde: "I'm 5'2 an...

2 ducks are in a bathtub. The first duck turns to the second and says "Hey, can you pass me the soap?" Duck two looks up and replies......

"What do I look like? A radio?"

(6yo nephew came to me and blurted) What does the cheese say to the other cheese passing by ?

Have a grate day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of streetwalkers

Every day as he passes them, they wave at him with their pinkies and say, "Hi there, little boyyy". One day the boy stops and asks one of them why they always wave at him with their pinkies. She replies, "Well... that's what size we imagine your penis to be. It's just a joke!"

The next day on...

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, bec...

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony,...

How do you pass a test with 0?

When it's a covid-19 test.

(Just had the test and thought this was funny as a teacher. Don't know if it's the stress making me laugh)

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly.

“Captain,” one passenger asks, “who is that man over there?” 

“I have no idea,” the captain says, “but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.”

It is with great sorrow that I tell you that My friend passed away

His last words were, "I think that the Chinese gov-"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wife and I walked passed a swanky, expensive restaurant last night.

She said "The aroma of their cooking from there is absolutely gorgeous"

Being a spontaneous sort of guy, I thought I would treat her. So I turned her around and we walked past it again.

James Potter and Sirius Black passed by each other in heaven.

James exclaimed, "Sirius, why are you here? Are you visiting?"

Sirius hung his head. "No, I actually died. Bellatrix killed me in the Department of Mysteries."

Potter just laughed. "What do you mean? You were a much better wizard than her. You can't fool me."

"I'm not kidding!" ...

Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"

"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."

Dude would pass by the barber shop every other day

Asking how many clients the barber had...
— how many today chief?
— just one. The barber said
— ok! Kinda busy. I’ll come back later! Thanks! The guy replied

The next day the same story.
— how many today chief?
— 3!
— sorry mate. Kind busy! Talk to you later!

That’...

A redditor repeating 15, 15, 15 ... passes by a hedge fund manager.

The hedge fund manager starts to follow him curiously. The redditor keeps repeating 15. The hedge fund manager follows him out of the town, on an unpaved road, to the edge of a cliff where the redditor looks down repeating 15. The hedge fund manager comes next to him to look down into the cliff. The...

Super bowl time! Can YOU pass a football?

am surprised you could even swallow one!

My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

How do dyslexic rabbits pass the time?

They buck like funnies.

If you want to pass your calculus exam, don’t sit in between two identical twins.

It’s very hard to differentiate between them.

Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The creator of sexual innuendos just passed away

His wife is taking it really hard

Every time the train passes by, the wardrobe crumbles..

A woman living next to a train rail have her bedroom wardrobe crumble every time a train passes by, she got enough, called a carpenter to fix the problem for good. The man comes to her, enters the bedroom and checks to wardrobe.. '' I can't see what's causing this, I'm gonna have to get inside the t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes.

One of them yells out “$20 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three new cellmates are contemplating their life sentences in prison.

The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, "Don't worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time."

The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, "I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we're feeling dow...

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge, only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic, patronising smirk and asked: "What's your hurry?"

She replied; "I'm late for work!"

"Oh yeah?", Said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded
The cop stammered, "a-what...?"

"A ...

I passed my cheerleading exam...

I went in and said "Give me an A!" and they did.

Two hunters are walking through the woods when they come across a large hole.

It's so deep that they can’t see the bottom. One hunter goes looking for something to throw down the hole hoping to see how deep it is.

He finds a rusty old anvil near by and throws it down the hole. The hole is so deep they never hear it hit the bottom.

Suddenly, they hear speeding h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

My wife holds grudges over the smallest things. She asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

Even after a few weeks, she's still not speaking to me

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he begins yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!"

A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, ...

Bob passes on to the next life and is starting to get bored on his own when good ol Patrick shows up at his grave

After a long introduction Patrick is about to leave "Bob, it's nice to have you join in. I am in the grave next to yours if you need anything"

"Well there actually is something" says Bob "I don't know what I will do now that I am dead"

Patrick: "What did you do in your previous life to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it! Screaming.

she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?" For a moment ...

What do you call a passed out cookie?

Limp Biskit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was driving up a steep and narrow mountain road. A woman was driving down the same road. As they passed each other, the woman leaned out the window and yelled, "Pig!" The man immediately leaned out his window and replied, "Bitch!"

They continue on their way, and as the man rounded the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctors and told him that whenever I pass wind it sounds like I’m saying the name of a Japanese car. ...

He asked me to lay on the couch and pushed and prodded just as it happened again.
“Arhh! I can see your problem. You have an abscess. And an abscess always makes the fart go Honda”.

A powerplant worker has a hook and rod submerged into a reactor. Coworker passes by:

How’s the fission, John?

Was reading a "People Who Passed Away In 2020" article and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the...

Is it a solar or lunar eclipse where the sun passes in front of the moon?

Neither. That would be the apoca-clipse.

Year 2020 passed like a kid reciting the alphabet.

January — ABCD...


February — EFG...


March — HIJK...


April to December — ELEMENOP.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Sadly, Maradonna has passed away

The plus side is God finally gets his hand back

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee...

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.

Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!...

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

A man was close to passing and said to his wife "Please answer one final question honestly for me"

"Anything" replied his wife.

The man continued, "We have three sons. Two are fine strapping lads, handsome, tall, strong. They have been the pride of my life. But our third son is so different, he is small, weak, and always ill. Please tell me honestly before I die, is he actually my son...

A funeral service was being held for a young woman who had just passed away. As the pallbearers carried the casket out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint moan come from inside the casket.

They opened the casket and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to live 10 more years and then died, and they held another funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her out, her husband yelled, "Watch out for that wall!"

Santa most definitely passed No Nut November

He only comes in December.

Three men all passed away on Christmas Eve.

. Upon arrival at the pearly gates Saint Peter was feeling Joyous.

He asked each of them if they could produce something of the season he would grant them quick admission

The first fellow thought for a moment, pulled out a set of keys from his pocket, showed them To St. Peter, and repl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building

when the first man turns to the other and says "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window". The bartender just sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ok so this is not a joke for everyone

Once upon a time there was a country that whenever a men grew up ‘til a certain age their dick would be cut, but how would they do it depends on what their job is.

One day the day to cut people’s dick off comes and there is a line of hundreds of men crying.
“What is your job?” “I’m a butc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having sex with John Mclane and he just... Passed away!

I guess it was a good day to die hard.

What do you call an object through which light cannot pass?

A cisparent object

My father passed this morning. In his honor, I present his favorite joke: why do polish people have ski at the end of their names?

Because they can't spell toboggan. - Stanley G. Kapuscinski

Edit: thanks so much for the kind words and thoughts and prayers. Thanks so much for your equally awful jokes.

To a lesser but still significant extent, thanks for the awards.

3 Mexicans tried to cross the border,but only 2 got through.Why?

There was a sign that said no tres passing.

My mom told me she’d give me $200 if I passed my math exam and my dad told me he’d give me $500

Looks like I’m getting $1000 today Reddit!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After my mother passed away, my wife & I decided that the best care for my wheelchair bound father was to move him into a nursing home.

After touring several, Dad finally agreed on one he seemed quite pleased with, but after only a week he called and wanted to leave ASAP.

"But why Dad?," I asked. "When you first got here, you acted as though you really loved the place."

"They're just too damn controlling."

""Wha...

The guy who invented auto-correct for smart phones passed away today.

Restaurant in peace.

After passing away, George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for a interview with God.

God asks Bush, "What do you believe in?"

Bush answers, "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"

God is impressed by Bush and tells him, "Great , come sit on the chair on my right"

Next, God asks Obama, "What do you believe in?"

Obama answers, "I be...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Pe...

The legendary Diego Maradona has recently passed away:(

Do you think this was the hand of god?

My best friend's mum passed away recently.

A month before his birthday too so that blew. On his birthday his dad asks me if I could help make a present which might remind him of his mum.
I was a bit apprehensive but I agreed. All I had to do was being a can of crushed tomatoes and some flour.


On his birthday, during the small ...

Who's the only soldier who doesn't have to give a salute to a 4-star general as he passes, and can give an order to that general and be absolutely certain that it will be carried out immediately?

A bomb tech specialist at a dead run.

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a school teacher.

The judge rose from the bench.
“Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight.
“Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times!"

As an atheist, I was upset when my son became a priest but then he passed away.

Now I'm being haunted by the father, my son, and the holy ghost.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sysiphus is rolling his stone up a hill when Oedipus passes him by teasing him: "Pushing it, I see?"

Sysiphus replies: "You motherfucker".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two wasted guys walk into a brothel...

The seasoned madam sees the wasted men and tells her girls, "These fellas are hammered! Put them in the rooms with blow-up dolls. They'll never notice the difference due to their intoxication."

The girls do as instructed and escort the men into their room. A few minutes pass, the men finish u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family is driving home and passes a sporting goods store that's being renovated.

The wife says, "Look, they're expanding Dick's."

The husband says, "Sign me up."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prince Charles decided to take up walking and everyday, at the same street corner, he would pass a hooker. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

“One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout. "No! Five pounds!" he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She'd yell "One hundred and fifty pounds!" He'd yell back "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you ever heard of students having sex with their professor to pass an exam?

This is what I'd call a real penetration test.

(Me mate just passed and this was his favourite joke) A man walks up to a stranger and says, "Would ye like to hear a joke"? The stranger replies: Eh, aye. Why not?

The man then says "me life" and starts sobbing and wailing

The Stranger replies: Come now, your life can not be that bad. It's nothing to cry over, surely.

The man says back, "I'm not crying, I'm laughing. See? Hahaha" and the man starts fake laughing and sobbing at the same time. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the one about the guy who fucked a chicken?

A man named Steve just turned 30, and was still a virgin.

He decided that it was finally time to change that, and decided to drive down to the nearest brothel, a good 4 hours away.

When he arrived and asked the owner for a lady to accompany him, he was told “Unfortunately, all of our...

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said yes!

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just as...

The inventor of velcro just passed away.

RIP.

A plane climbs too high and passes by heaven.

The pilot gets on the loudspeaker and tells the cabin that if they look to their right, they'll see the pearly gates and the shining city beyond.

The passengers marvel at the sight, but one man spots his daughter who died from cancer the previous month. He rushes to the emergency exit, where ...

Trump tests positive for COVID-19.

He finally passed a test without cheating, good for him.

Im failing all my classes the only tests I can pass are my STD ones

I got all positive results

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the sale...

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

San Francisco, Manhattan, Chicago and Miami were having a lively conversation until St. Louis passed by, looking depressed.

Chicago said, "why are you so sad?"
St. Louis replied, "I'm always in a state of Missouri."

Sean Connery passed away peacefully in his sleep at age 90, he and Roger Moore were good friends...

They shared a Bond.

I passed a store the other day that traded measuring tools for fruit

The deal of the day was, "Banana for scale"

My best friend passed away recently..

Grieving before his grave I said,

“Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?

A month later, my wife gave birth to a baby boy. As my child grew older each day, I realised he looks a lot like my best friend.

I’m rea...

Architects call a layer of bricks a wythe. After the Great Fire of London, where thousands of wooden buildings were destroyed, King Henry VIII passed a law that the walls of all new buildings must be made of at least six layers of brick.

This is known as the six wythes of Henry the Eighth.

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department, there is th...

Triple Filter

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly: "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like y...

I had to take a drug test to see if I was on hallucinogens

I passed with flying colors

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms

These three drunk guys decide to go to the brothel. The madam sees them coming and tells the girls to just throw some blow up dolls in the rooms and turn the lights out. The guys are so drunk the won't know the difference.

30 minutes later the fellas are back out on the street. The first dru...

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom.

There he saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his roo...

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass.

Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.

What do you call someone who doesn't pass gas in public?

A private tooter (tutor)

A guy walks into a hindu bakery...

The guy said, "tomorrow's my girlfriend's birthday, but I'm a bit short on cash, what's your cheapest cake?"

Baker responded, "come back tomorrow, and I'll have one ready for you at no cost."

Skeptical, the guy almost didn't return. But the next day he was passing by and walked in. T...

After a long illness, my father passed away yesterday in Las Vegas.

He’s in a bettor place.

An inventor is about to pass, leaving all he has to his only family. His two children.

He was a very altruistic person in life, only using his inventions to help people and not make any profit. His daughter admired this trait and followed this path becoming a tinkerer herself. His son, however, was an opportunist. He would always attempt to make a profit off any of his father's invent...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big city doctor visits an indigenous tribe of only men

He asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"
"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you."
The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey.
The leader of the tribe says "Since you're our guest you get to go first.".
The doctor not...

The Nudist Club

(Long)

A man joins an extremely exclusive nudist club. The first day in the camp he undresses and starts walking around a bit uncomfortably. The first person he meets is an extremely beautiful busty blonde and the man gets an erection immediately. The woman notices his erection, comes up to h...

Did you hear about the guy who passed away because he consumed too much food coloring?

He dyed.

There was once a man called Ia'Tor living just outside Roman territory. All his life, he was grumpy and angry, to the point that people started calling him Sullen Ia'Tor. One day, a Roman legion passed through his area, and captured this barbarian in the name of civilizing him.

While those around him despaired and wailed as they were trained for combat, he was actually enjoying something for the first time. By the time he first stepped into the arena, he was known as... Glad Ia'Tor.

The same guy walks into a bar, orders three beers, sits down and drinks his beers, before leaving quietly... This happens every day for months

One day when the man walks in and orders his three beers, a bartender decides to ask the man "Wouldn't you rather have your beers one by one to keep the other two cold? To which the man answers "No. I'm ordering three beers because I have two brothers and this way it feels like we're drinking togeth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life is a fart joke

It'll pass.

Two Canadians Die and End Up In Hell

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cat's best friend was a rabbit, but the rabbit passed away today....

...now I have a hare-less pussy!

But seriously, RIP Carrots.

John passed away, when he woke up, he was at the feet of Saint Peter -

\- with millions of clocks around the room.

Confused, he stood up and asked, "What are the clocks for?"

Saint Peter said to him, "These are the clocks of everyone in the world, they only move when someone lies."

So John goes to one and says, "Why has this one only moved twic...

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Panda Walks Into A Bar

A panda walks into a bar and looks around. the bartender greets him enthusiastically asking “what can I get you?”. The panda approaches the bar and orders a small meal. The meal arrives and the panda eats all of it. Once finished, the bartender asks him how the food was. to his surprise, the panda p...

R.I.P. dad

My dad passed away yesterday (this is true). He was 87 and had a good innings. We've done the bulk of our grieving and all is good. My brother sent me this message this morning:

"I reckon dad has already told Eddie Van Halen to turn the volume down."

___________________

Two guys are playing golf.

They're near a road.

One of the guys put a tee in the ground put his golfbal on it and takes his club.

He looks at his ball, begins to lift his club to make a swing when a funeral procession passes on the road.

The guy immediately stops what he's doing and takes a minute of sile...

My teacher used to tell me that I would never amount to anything by looking out of the window all day

Man did I feel smug as I passed him his burger and fries at the drive-through last night

UK comedian Bobby Ball has sadly passed away

David Beckham has been invited to read the eulogy. The family wanted a dead ball specialist

Two men stay out late drinking, miss the last bus and have to walk home

They pass the bus depot, so one says he'll break in and steal a bus to get them home.
Ages later, he comes to the door and goes, 'it's no use, I can't find a number 9.'
'You idiot!' says his friend, 'Just steal a 14, we'll get off at the corner and walk the rest of the way.'

A woman accidentally locked her keys in her car and was pacing frantically on the side of the street, when a soldier from Boston passing by saw this and assured her that he could help. She looked on in amazement as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball...

...and rubbed them against the car door.

Magically, it opened!!

"That's incredible!!" the woman gasped. "How did you do it?"

"Easy..." replied the soldier. "These are my khakis."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A child is playing whist his mother is cooking, she says "I have some friends coming over for dinner, so be good"

"What's a friend?" Says the child as the mother burns herself "bastard" she hisses.

She turns off the stove and says "don't touch the food on table, it's not for you"

"What's food?" Says the child as the mother knocks a saucepan onto the floor "shit" she says as she bends over to pick ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was going ice fishing.

He goes out onto the ice, cuts open a hold, and lowers his bait into the hole. 45 minutes pass, and the man has not gotten a nibble. A younger man walks out onto the ice, drills a hole right next to him, lowers his bait, and within a few minutes has hooked a largemouth bass.

The first man is...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach in Fort Myers, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
...

An old man was eating in a truck stop

when three rough-looking bikers walked in. As they passed the old man, the first biker pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, then laughed and took a seat at the counter. The second biker picked up the old man's milk and spit into it. The third biker turned over the old man's plate before join...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A picket to Tittsburgh

A guy travels out to visit a friend of his in Pittsburgh who is going through some hard times. His friend picks him up at the airport.

"How was the flight?"

"The flight was fine but I embarrassed myself when I bought my ticket."

"Oh? What happened?"

"The woman at the coun...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American man walks into a restaurant in Spain and looks at the menu.

He doesn't speak a lick of Spanish, so he defaults to a passing waiter for advice on what to get. "I would recommend the *cojones*," the waiter says. "Our house specialty. The dish is sourced fresh from the bull killed by one of our bullfighters in the ring today."

So the man orders the cojo...

I had dinner with my mother in law the other night. Was gonna ask "would you to pass the salt, please"

But instead my tounge twisted and I said
"You stupid cow. You've completely ruined my life."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's car breaks down in Tibet..

A man's car breaks down in Tibet, and wouldn't you know it? His phone gets no service. So he walks up a long windy road to a huge monastery at the top of the hill. He knocks at the reinforced double doors and a Tibetan monk after some minutes finally opens.

"My car broke down. Do you...

Patrick O’Leary passed away at his job at the brewery.

His workmates realized that they would have to be the ones to inform his widow of his passing.

They trooped over to Patrick’s cottage at the end of their shift and solemnly gathered in a semicircle before the door. The foreman politely knocked. Mrs. O’Leary opened it, and looked at the assemb...

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has been getting horrible debilitating headaches for a long time a& finally decided to go to the doctor...

And he’s just begging for some relief. “They just won’t stop,” he says. “I can’t do anything, my work is suffering, I can’t spend time with my family, it’s just gotta stop!”

So the doctor does some tests and says, “well there’s good news & bad news. The good news is, I found the problem, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

What did the passing wind whisper in the man's ear

Whoosh..!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man is sitting on his porch one morning watching the neighborhood

He notices a boy walking by with a roll of chicken wire. He calls over to the boy and asks him what he’s doing with the chicken wire. The boy replies “I’m going to use this chicken wire to go catch some chickens”. The man laughs it off but that afternoon he sees the boy walking back by his house wit...

The inventor of the throat lozenge passed away!

There’s no cough-in at his funeral.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.