A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go ma...

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man walk into a bar with their wives...

They all order tea. The Englishman, wanting to be sweet, said to his wife, "Pass the sugar, sugar." The Scottish man, thinking the same, says to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey." The Irish man, not wanting to be outdone, says to his wife, "Pass the milk you fucking cow."

A fly feels a bug on its back

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I *mite* be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"



^(I apologise. My bro just sent it to me and I had to pass o...

I ate the exam paper

Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test

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NSFW: Two tampons pass each other in the street, which one said 'hi' first?

Neither, because they're both stuck up cunts.

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My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday.

I accidentally said, "Fuck you Karen, you ruined my fucking life."

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

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Little Bobby is angry at his sex-ed teacher, because he didnt pass the last exam

Now he plans his revenge with his friend Sam, who also failed in sex-ed.
Bobby: Listen, you will hide on this side of the door, and when she comes in you throw your jacket over her head, so she cant see us, then i will kick her in the balls.

Dude 1: “Bro can you pass me that pamphlet?”

Dude 2: “Brochure.”

A man is showing his friend around his town. They pass a boy selling newspapers on the side of the road.

The man nudges his friend and says, "See that kid? He's got to be the stupidest kid in the whole wide world. Watch this."

He walks up to the kid as his friend watches, and holds out a five dollar and a ten dollar bill. "Hey kid, pick one."

The kid looks between the notes and eventually...

Today marks the 35th anniversary of the death of Sir Douglas Bader and I couldn't let it pass without this story of the RAF hero. [TRUE STORY]

Today marks the 35th anniversary of the death of Sir Douglas Bader and I couldn't let it pass without this story of the RAF hero. He was giving a talk at an upmarket girl's school about his time as a pilot in the Second World War. "So there were two of these F\*\*\*ers behind me, three f\*\*\*ers to...

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

A popular gorilla exhibit at a local zoo had its only resident pass away

The zoo, not having enough time and money to replace the perished primate, gave one of their employees a gorilla suit and told them to go into the exhibit and act like a gorilla. He at first disagreed, like anyone would, until they offered an enormous raise. He then of course accepted the money and...

A couple of elders pass away together.

They meet in Paradise. They have a nice three rooms suite in a beautiful hotel with a cute view on the lake.

She has miles and miles of shops with women stuff and befriends a few fine ladies to hang out with.

He goes to a pub, meets nice men to play card with. Beer is fresh and a coupl...

how to pass gas

I was in a restaurant once and I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my reliefs to the beat of the music.

After just a few songs I started to feel better.

I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring a...

So three close friends pass away and all go to heaven.

The angel welcomes them and shows them around.

At the end of the tour angel tells them:

\- "Since the heaven is huge you guys need car, so that you could easily travel around. So, the criteria for getting the car is like this: - I ask you a question and you give me a honest answer"...

Mary had a little watch, she swallowed it one day. So all she took was castor oil, to pass the time away. The castor oil, it did not work, the time, it did not pass. So if you want to know what time it is, just look up Mary's

...uncle.

He's got a watch.

If you eat 25 tacos and pass out, you’ll wake up in..

Tacoma

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

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A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.

A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?"

The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip y...

Two men, Jim and John, are walking their dogs when they pass by a restaurant.

“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggests.

“We can’t,” responds John. “Don’t you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?”

“Oh, that sign?” says Jim. “Don’t worry about it.”

Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, t...

A high school student struggles to pass his tests but decides, one day, to pull himself together.

After weeks of hard work and dedication, his grades start picking up.

A month passes and the semester is finally over.

He approaches his father and shows him his grades.

The father looks dramatically into his son's eyes and says:



"long time no C".

Why is everytime saying that getting The N-word pass is hard

I bought mine off The Black market

Although fiber helps pass stool, you need to be careful about the type of fiber you ingest.

From my experience, T-Shirts work well but Jeans are a big no.

Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me

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What do you call masturbating to pass time?

Procrasturbating

Forty days pass, the flood recedes, and Noah and his family are settling in.

Noah's wife notices that all the animals are starting to reproduce, except for a pair of snakes. She asks Noah about it, and he says he'll take care of it. A week later, Noah brings his wife out to the workshop, and shows her the snakes in their basket on top of the picnic table he just built. "How ...

An American couple, an English couple and a Ukrainian couple are dining together.

The american husband says "could you pass me the honey, honey?" to his wife. The English man says "could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" to his wife. The Ukrainian husband sees this and says "pass me the bacon, you pig!"

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Two business men are flying first class on an airplane...

They are both wearing suits, carrying briefcases, and both of them have a black eye.

Wondering what the odds of their circumstances are, they start up a conversation

Man #1: “Hey buddy, kinda funny that we’re both dressed for business, flying first class, and we both have black eyes. ...

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God : Anyone who kills Hitler gets a free pass into Heaven

Hitler : *laughs in Nazi*

It was mandatory drug test day at my company, and we were standing in line awaiting our turn. Finally, the tester came by with his kit, took one look at me and said, "Sir, you even look stoned. Do you think you can pass this drug test"?

"Sure, man", I said. Then I promptly grabbed the kit and passed it to the guy next to me.

Needless to say, I passed!

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Little Billy was excited to get his Eagle badge but had to pass a final test

Billy and his mates are on a camping trip, when the troop leader said "I have one final test for you, Billy," as he pointed towards a tree. "I need you to identify the front of this tree."

Little Billy walks around the tree, studying it, the troop leader is stumped as Billy proclaims, "obviou...

I’m making a pass/fail exam for churches who claim to throw good parties

It’s a lit-mass test.

Why can't anyone pass trigonometry?

Well Irish people can't tan, Catholics are afraid of sin, and everyone else fails just cos

My girlfriend wants me to read Pride and Prejudice, but I think I’ll pass.

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that it’ll try to lecture me.

"Hello sir would you like to sign this petition in support of the Cheese Act that congress is trying to pass?"

"Yeah sure I'm pro-volone"

How do you say in two words that three people can’t pass beyond this point.

No Trespassing!

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

My teacher said our class was do dumb not even 80% of us would pass the test

She’s the dumb one, we don’t even have that much people in our class!

If you pass your AirPods to your kid...

Do they become HeirPods?

I aced the interview for my dream job and now i just need to pass the drug test

I'm gonna nail this too I do so many drugs

So my commander in the army decided to tell a story to pass the time...

Commander: Today very boring, nevermind, I tell y'all a story.

Usually when me and the other commanders gather around we like talk about experiences the night before with our wives before we book in (come back into camp).

So commander A was telling us over breakfast that his wife made...

Why don’t fish pass their exams?

Because they work below C-Level.

Im failing Marine Biology but I think I should still pass.

My grade is below C level.

How do Marine Animals pass new Legislation?

They ask the Seal of Approval.

I made a pass at my mother-in-law, and now my wife is furious.

She tripped over the ball and broke her nose.

At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.

The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already
want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?"

"Well, I j...

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It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach...

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a penis is 3x the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman's heart beats faster than man's. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when ...

What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?

A wyrmhole.

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A sadist and a masochist pass each other on the street.

The masochist recognizes the sadist for their nature and says with anticipation, 'Beat me.'

The sadist begins to smile and say to the masochist, 'No.'

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A husband and wife had been arguing all day. They pass a herd of obnoxious jerks. The wife says "Relatives of yours?"

The husband says "Yep, in-laws."

Why can’t fish pass high school?

They’re all below C level.

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Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duck tape

Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duct tape. Old timer asked the kid "hey son what are you going to do with that duct tape?" The boy said " im going to catch some ducks with it". Old timer said " you cant catch ducks with that". The boy said "watch me old man".

L...

Chuck Norris once passed 6 kidney stones.

They were then subsequently collected by Thanos to wipe out half of all life in the universe.

I was driving home last night and as I looked in my rear view mirror I saw a big van which said 'Ambulance' on the front with sirens blaring trying to pass me.

Yeah nice try I thought, I'm not moving, it's clearly a fake. The word 'Ambulance' is always written backwards on real ones.

How do dolphins and whales pass down and share knowledge through the generations?

Via podcasts, naturally.

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How do you pass sex ed?

You have to learn all the ins and outs.

Dude 1: Hey, bro?

Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure

I studied Suicide in college but didn't pass the final...

I only got hesitation marks.

A man and a woman meet in heaven and fall in love.

They walk up to God and ask to be married.

God says give me some time and I’ll get back to you. Three or four years pass and God finally tells the man and woman that he can have them married.

A few more years pass and the man and woman fall out of love. They approach God once more an...

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" ...

If Bruce Willis were to pass away with an erection

He would die hard

Why do only 2 Mexicans pass the border once at a time?

Because the sign says no tres-passing.

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St. Peter and Jesus made a deal to only let the people who died in an interesting way pass through the gates of Heaven...

After a while, the first man comes to the gates of Heaven. "We have a new rule about which people we can let pass through. How did you die, my son?", asked St. Peter. "Well it's a pretty interesting story. I was late for work, and I was in a hurry. Halfway to my job, I remembered that I forgot my ph...

The tiny door to the magic castle was barely big enough to crawl through. It was carved with a half-lion, half-eagle, and guarded by a fearsome raven that would only allow you to pass if you breathed on its foot...

So basically you had to huff n puff on the raven claw then slither in the griffon door.

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Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:

The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess...

I tried very hard to pass my culinary school finals

But I'm still constipated.

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[NSFW] Two doctors pass each other in a hallway and one asks to borrow the other's pen

So the other says, "Sure, here you go."

The first doctor looks at what he was just handed and says, "This isn't a pen. It's a rectal thermometer."

The other says, "Sorry, some asshole has my pen."

I was at dinner the other day with my girlfriend and her parents when she said "Could you pass me the knife daddy?"

I knew I was dead when both her dad and I stood up.

Apparently, even if you hit kids during your driving test, you'll still pass.

They're only considered to be minors.

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When I pass gas and people look to me as if I was the culprit,

I blame the asshole behind me.

It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby.

Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.

I'm not passive aggressive.

Unlike *some* people.

I wondered what my parents did to pass time when they were younger.

I asked my 19 brothers and sisters but they didn't know either.

3 men pass away and are in line at the pearly gates.

3 men pass away and are in line at the pearly gates.

St. Peter is there and he is checking to see how they lived their lives.

First man steps up and Saint Peter says, “you lived a good life. You were faithful to your wife and never cheated on her. You get to ride up to heaven in t...

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

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Two blokes were on a plane one day.......

........ and they were sitting side by side. Coincidentally, they each had one black eye. They started talking.. 'hey mate do you mind if I ask how you got your black eye?'. 'Yeah no worries', the other one responded. 'I was at the airport check in and when I got to the counter, I couldn't help but ...

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Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church...

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics: "Come to us, accept Catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!" While walking away, the two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously. A week later the two friends ...

While on a walk two men pass a bar...

Two friends are out walking their dogs on a hot summer day when they pass a bar.

"Let's stop and grab a drink"

"They don't allow pets - let's just keep going"

"Follow my lead"

The first man walks into the bar, his dog in tow.

"Sorry but we don't allow dogs in here....

What is it called when too many people pass gas inside of a mine?

An excess stench hole crisis.

A Mexican attempts to pass the border

A border control officer catches them and says, "Papers."

The Mexican replied, "Scissors."

The border control officer replied,"Dammit! Well, you're free to go!"

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In the jungle, there is a tree. In this tree lives a monkey, who races down and fucks anybody who happens to pass under it.

One day, the other animals get sick of it and go see the king of the jungle, the lion. They tell him about the monkey, so he agrees to go to the tree and talk to the monkey and put a stop to his actions. He reaches the tree and calls, - Monkey! Come down here, we need to talk. The monkey does not ...

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