UPJOKE
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Signal Jokes

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector asked, "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"

Billy Bob replied, "I would switch the points for one of...
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If I was a cop I would be ticketing people for not using their turn signals..

Left and right
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What did the blonde say when asked if her turn signal worked?

“Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.”
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If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember

there is someone who is currently installing the turn signal at BMW.
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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...
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Why don’t BMW owners use their turn signals?

They’re too stubborn to pay the monthly subscription fee!
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Signal box operative

New job


Guy goes for a job as a train signal box operative.

The examiner tests him for his thinking abilities.

"Ok. You have a train coming down the A line what do you do"?

"Simple, just give him a green go signal and the jobs done"!

"Great" says the examiner.<...

A blonde gets a job at a Gas Station...

It is her first day, and her first customer drives to pump #1 in a red convertible. Super excited, she approaches the customer and says, "Hey, mister, would you like some gas?" The customer says, "Yes, that's why I am here," she immediately gets to work, filling the customer's tank.

While the...
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A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, “Change your course, 10 degrees west.”

The light signals back, “Change yours, 10 degrees east.”

The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, “I’m a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.”

The light signals back, “I’m a Seama...

A large and powerful kingdom conquered their wealthy neighbor only to discover its treasure was all hidden away.

Only the count from the conquered kingdom knew where the gold was hidden but he refused to tell.

The conquerors took him to the dungeon, placed his head on the chopping block, and told him:

“This is your last chance! Tell us where the gold is or off comes your head!”

Beads of s...
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A gorilla walks into a bar in Manhattan

The bartender gives the gorilla a craft beer menu (without the fucking QR codes). The gorilla points at a particular summer ale, with hints of lemon. The bartender nods, and tells him what a great choice that is.

A few minutes later, the bartender serves the gorilla this tasty craft brew, an...

Why couldn't Chinese hackers decrypt the trans man's signal?

It was non-binary
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What do you call it when a tap dancing mare signals for help?

Horse code
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Don’t you hate those virtue signaling people that say “I don’t see color.”?

Fuck the blind, am I right?

I once took a test on waving signal flags.

They told me I passed with flying colors.
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Signal joke

My friend is in the royal signallers corps and he doesn’t even get the signals his girlfriend is sending him
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A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes Benz to 100 mph. Looking in his rear view mirror, he sees a cop behind him, signaling to pull over. He floored it to 140 , then 150, then 155, and 160…Suddenly he thought, "Shit man, I'm too old for this nonsense!"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the cop to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. And guess what, today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family to the beach. If you can give me a ...

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Signals for sex

A deaf couple have been really hitting it off and eventually move in together. They find out that they are very sexually compatible, but they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing or read each other's lips.

After several nights...

What do you do if you see a BMW using a turn signal?

Call the police, it's obviously stolen.
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What did the male digital signal ask a female digital signal?

Do you do ANALog?
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I hope someone comes across this distress signal

Damn it, I used the wrong flare
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A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...
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A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.

As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for."

I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believ...
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Did you hear about the judge who gave the jaywalker a very long sentence?

"Jaywalking laws require that pedestrians obey traffic control signals unless otherwise instructed by law enforcement which, in addition to traffic signals, jaywalking laws dictate how pedestrians may legally cross the street when no signals are present and though many states require that pedestrian...
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I Asked My Wife For The Rake

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn’t find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, “Where’s the rake?”

She couldn’t hear me and she shouted back, “What?”

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a ...

I have a hard time reading woman's signals.

I once tried going to the red light district, but I didn't stop.
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Turn Signals

They seem to be a joke to most drivers..
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Astronomers detected radio signals from the same source 1.5 billion light years away.

And I can't get the fucking WiFi connection in my room

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

A girl I liked was giving me mixed signals

So I calculated Fourier transform.
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Giving signals

Always told my wife if she wanted to have sex pull on my dick once. If she didn’t want sex pull on my dick 40-50 times.........

[NSFW] Condoms Are Like Turn Signals

I never use them.
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The other night I was invited for a night out with the boys, and I told my wife I would be home by midnight.

Well, the hours passed, and the Jameson shots went down a little too easy. Before I knew it, it was 3:45AM and I was plastered, so I quickly ordered a cab home.

Just as I walked in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckoo'd 4 times to signal 4AM. Quickly realizing my wife ...

Son: C’mon Dad, put you turn signal on before you change lanes.

Dad: FLICKer? I hardly know her!
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Every date I’ve ever had has been like my WiFi signal.

No Connection.
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What do condoms and turn signals have in common?

If people used them, there would be less accidents
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When people’s feet fall asleep, why don’t their toes signal for help?

They’re coma-toes.
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I tried contacting the aboriginals in Australia via smoke signal

But the line was always busy
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An American ship is sending out a distress signal, "HELP, we are sinking!"

German ship radios back in "What are you sinking about?"
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I don't use turn signals.

I figure its none of their business where I'm going.
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There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

&nbsp;

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...
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I also remember my grandfather's last words. He was very weak, bedridden in hospital, and had lost the power of speech. He had signalled for me to give him paper and a pencil. He died right after writing it.

It said,

*"You are standing on my breathing tube"*
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The sleeper, the pastor and Adam's stick

Mr. Smith and the pastor discuss the problem that Mrs. Smith always falls asleep during the sermon. The pastor gives Mr. Smith a hatpin and recommends that he prick her as soon as he receives a sign from the pastor.

The following Sunday, Mrs. Smith has fallen asleep peacefully, the pastor ask...
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A Navy Aircraft carrier and its entourage were traversing out at sea when they get a signal of an approaching mass.

They comm it and express for them to move out of their way they were on a mission of high importance. "Negative sir we cannot accommodate your request" The admiral quite taken aback exclaims that "Its not a request son, this is the United States Navy Aircraft carrier Ronald Reagan flanked by two nav...

I was driving behind a BMW in which the driver was signalling all the turns ...

If you own one and your license plate is CJKM6144, your car has been stolen!
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Choking Lady

Two hillbillies walked into a local restaurant as they had decided to stop by for a bite to eat. While they dined, they talked about their moonshine operation.

All of a sudden, one woman sitting next to them (she had been eating a sandwich just right across their table) begun to cough. After ...
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How do you signal when changing lanes?

I drive a BMW
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I couldn't believe my wife was a road signal thief

But when I got home, all the signs were there.
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Construction signals

so there was this man working on a construction site on the third floor. during his work he realized he needed a handsaw, but there was nowhere to be found, then he looks down. seeing a fellow co-worker on the 1st floor, so the man on the third floor screams and yells at the guy, now the guy can see...

What is the only time you see BMWs using their turn signals?

The driving examiner is sitting on the front passenger seat.
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In Wuhan, a bat signal isn’t a request for a superhero to respond,

it simply means dinner is ready.
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John (while writing Revelations): "So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"

God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."

John: Yeah, trumpets.

God: "Never mind. They'll know."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^^copied.
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Two priests are driving down a road when they are pulled over by the cops.

The cop shines a light in their faces and signals to the driver to roll down his window.

"We're searching for two child molesters," he says.

The driver leans over to the other priest and they whisper between themselves.

Finally, he turns back to the policeman. "Ok. We'll do it...
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When future autonomous cars are connected on a network and speak to eachother, they won't need turn signals anymore.

... So BMW owners will have to figure out some other safety system to just not use.
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Two soldiers are sitting on opposite sides of a river

They do not understand each other's language. The one on the east side(american) calls to the other "how did you get over there did you parachute or did you swim?" All the while he made a signal with his arms of a parachute coming down and swung his arms as if swimming. Then he proceeds to say "I se...

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A lawyer is sitting in his parked BMW when a tow truck crashes into the car.

The crash takes car door clean off and the driver speeds away. The lawyer immediately signals a cop and begins ranting about how much the damage to his car is going to cost. The cop replies, "You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is money."

The lawyer says, "How DARE you call ...

You can't get good signal reception at a cemetery

It's a dead spot.
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I'm getting mixed signals from my doctor.

First, he told me that I need to stop drinking so much, but he also told me I should get more shots.
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My wife is deaf and we worked out a nice system of signals for when we want to have sex.

If I want sex, I'll tap her on the butt once. If no sex, tap her twice. If she wants to have sex, she pulls my dick once. If she doesn't want to have sex, she pulls my dick 452 times.
Copied comment from u/TooShiftyForYou from r/videos

What do you call a turn signal in Florida ?

No one knows , they don’t exist
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I've seen aliens. I've seen Bigfoot. I've even fed a few fish to the Lochness Monster.

But I still have never seen a BMW driver use his turn signals.
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I watched a terrible documentary on traffic signals.

Who green-lights these things?
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I was using smoke signals and was surprised by who responded

Some firemen
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My friend said he recreated the Wow! Signal, but it was fake.

It was a Sham Wow!
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What signal tells you that a politician is lying?

The lips are moving
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Why are turn signals great workers?

When they get tired and burn out, they work twice as hard.
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Odin and Thor were walking through a canyon with a large group of warriors when Odin stopped Thor and signaled him to be quiet and listen.

After a moment, Odin shouted into the wilderness, “IS THAT YOU, VAL?”

Thor stood waiting and listenin, then whispered, “All-Father, I didn’t hear anything.”

Odin replied, “I thought I heard Val holla.”

Thor listened again. “What did Val say?”

Odin replied, “It was just...

What never needs maintenance on a BMW?

The turn signal lightbulb
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I'm great at signalling for help on a sinking ship..

Just got a flare for it.
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Why did the chicken make a triple lane change on the highway without a turn signal?

Because he was a cock.

Two nuns are on a motorcar trip through Europe, and end up in Transylvania.

While stopped at a traffic signal, a tiny Dracula jumps up on the hood of their vehicle and hisses through the windshield.


“What should we do?” shrieks one nun as she panics and reaches for her Rosary beads..


“Turn on the wipers! That will get rid of the abomination, Sister,” s...
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A guy wants a sex-signal arrangement with his wife. "Listen, everytime you want to fuck, pull just my dick three times..."

"And when I don't want to?" she asks.

"No problem! Just pull my dick 6,244 times."

A couple of hunters go out into an unfamiliar woods.

They're stopped by the Game Warden who asks them, "I don't recognize you fellers from around here. Do you boys know your way around these here woods?"

"Well no, but we can find our way out after we get our deer."

"Okay, but if you do happen to get lost, just fire 3 shots in the air. Th...
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Did you hear about the lawyer who got pulled over?

They did not use attorney signal.
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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

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Shai is excited for his trip to Mexico because he is an avid SCUBA diver.

When he goes, he finds a company that can take him to the reefs and links up with a dive leader. While on the boat preparing their tanks, the leader begins talking him about the different types of animals that they will see. Since the both of them will not be able to communicate verbally, the dive l...

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What's the difference between someone who doesn't use their turn signal and Hitler?

You know Hitler will turn Reich.

I think my deaf friend wants to update her computer. But her sign language interpreter is giving me mixed signals.

I think she needs a better processor.
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When I was in high school I wrote a love letter to my teacher, and she shot me down.

But she also corrected the spelling and wrote “See me” in red marker at the bottom. Very mixed signals.
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The German Coast Guard receives a distress signal from an American ship...

The American captain says "Mayday! Mayday! We're sinking! I repeat, we are sinking!"

The German Coast Guard replies "Oh that's nice, what are you sinking about?"
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A rookie cop is being trained by his sergeant

Unfortunately it's a pretty slow day. Finally the sergeant says "Okay, here's a hint. Pick a car and just follow him around. Before long he's bound to make a mistake, and you can pull him over for that." So the sergeant selects a car, and starts following it.

Unfortunately, it doesn't wor...
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If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signalling

...I could buy a BMW.
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A man needs WiFi at the local pub.

A man goes into a local pub and has poor cell signal.

He asks for the WiFi password.

The bartender replies: “You need to buy a drink first.”

The man says fine and orders a Coke, which costs him $3. He then asks again, “what’s the WiFi password?”

The bartender answers: “Y...
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What is it called when you are on the edge of WiFi signal range?

Router Limits!
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Extraction

A dentist ran out of anesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled. He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction. It all happened in an ins...

I was going to dress up as a turn signal for Halloween

But no one around here knows what the hell that is!
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Why did the German cross the road?

Because the electronic traffic signal indicated that it was the appropriate time to do so.
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A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar

They are watching a fight on tv and one of the boxers gets down on a knee and signals a cross across his body.

The rabbi asks the priest “hey what does that mean”

“When he does the cross across his body what does that mean”

The priest says “ it don’t mean a damn thing if he ca...
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I have told my blone girlfriend to get outside the car and check if the turn signal works

She: working, not working, working, not working, working...
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Do you know what make me cross?

When the signal changes to a person walking.
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What can you always assume when buying a used BMW?

The turn signal will always be in brand-new condition.
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In the middle of a sexual act an old lady tells her husband:

–You are like a cell phone!

The proud Old Man says:
\- Do I vibrate a lot?

\-No, when you enter the tunnel you drop the signal ...

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NSFW A virgin is nervous on her wedding night.

Her husband says, "don't worry there's no pressure." We'll come up with a signal when you're ready." "If you want to have sex, pull my penis once. If you don't, pull it 100 times."

Corny Peanuts.

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink. After his first sip, he hears a high-pitched voice.

"Hey mister! Nice pants!" it says.

He looks around, doesn’t see anything, and quickly shrugs it off. After a little bit, he takes another sip and hears the voice agai...
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A man who had worked for British Rail in a small village for many years decided it was time to move up in the world... [long]

Walter had been a track-switcher on the railway line that ran past his tiny English village for most of his life. All day long he sat in his little hut and switched the points as trains approached.

One day he got it into his head that it was time to move up in the world, so he wrote to Britis...
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Two men were hunting deep in the woods one late afternoon

As the sun set over the horizon, the two hunters realized they were lost. Finding themselves outside of signal range and miles from civilization, they mulled over their options for rescue.

"Oh," one man perked up, "I remember reading that if you fire three shots in the air, it's a sign of dis...
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A policeman is at the roadside, looking at passing cars.

Suddenly he sees one approaching. Without warning, he whistles, signals for it to stop,then pulls out his gun and fires a shot in the air.

At once, the car stops. The policeman approaches it. Inside, a snow-pale driver is sitting.

\- What... officer... what did I do? I could swear I've...

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A man and a woman are working together on a job site

The man realizes he forgot to grab his 2 pound hammer and he and the woman are too far away from each other to understand what either of them are saying, so he tries to signal her.

To represent his need for the 2 pound hammer, he points at his eyes, makes a number 2 with his fingers and a wav...

A professor is teaching Computer Science 101...

A professor is teaching computer science 101 and gets to the topic of recursion, but after reading his prepared notes, one of his students seems particularly perplexed and questions the teacher.

"I don't understand, you said a recursive algorithm one that calls itself?" The student asks.
<...
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One time I tried to marry my phone...

I wanted to make it my Wifi

And I felt a really strong connectio

I thought I saw all the right signals

Plus I really wanted to tap that

So I gave it a ring

Turns out it was already engaged

Besides, I wasn't its type

We would have been such a great we...
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The rectum stretcher

Just as a car crosses over a bridge, a cop jumps out from behind a bush and signals the driver to the pull over. The cop walks over to the car window and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"

The driver responds "No sir I do not, but it couldn't have been much faster than 50......

A man is stranded on an island

A plane flying nearby see's his smoke signal and goes to his aid. Upon landing the pilot see's three huts.

"Thank you for saving me! I've been here longer than I can remember. " The man says.

"Where are the other survivors?" The pilot asks.

"It's just me, myself and I" says th...
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One doctor was known as the fastest in the West. He would be done before the nerves sent pain signals. Someone challenged him to cut of a patients leg in 1 second. He sawed briskly but ended cutting off the patient's testicle.

He got the sack.

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Queen Elizabeth and Lady Di are out for a drive in the royal car on a Sunday afternoon, and they slow down when they see a man by the roadside signaling for help.

But no sooner has the car come to a stop than he springs to the door, pulls out a gun, and orders them both out of the car. "Queen Elizabeth," he snarls, "hand over that snazzy diamond tiara you're always wearing."

"I'm terribly sorry, my good man," says the queen, "but I'm afraid I don't wea...

There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?

The turn signals.
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If you ever think your job is pointless...

... think about the guy mounting turn signals on BMWs
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The Funeral

All the guests are gathered at old Tom’s funeral. The eulogy has been read, and the officiant asks if any of the guests would like to say anything.

After what seemed to be an eternity of silence, a lone hand raises at the back of the chapel. It’s Tom’s best buddy, Bill. The officiant signals...
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Three Farmers, a Pig and a Monkey

Three Farmers are raising a pig for the fair, trying to put their brains together to beat everyone else out. One of them gets the idea to put a cork in its butt, "if it can't poop it will get huge!" So they do this, and when the fair comes it's the biggest pig the county has ever seen and they win. ...

I'm in love with a girl from my Morse code course

Not sure how she feels though, she keeps sending mixed signals.
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I get being "mysterious" is cool...

But turn signals are for the populations safety...
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The Lord moves in mysterious ways. But you don’t.

Use your turn signal.
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When I get my vaccine do I need to do anything to keep my micro chips charged?

Or is getting a 5G signal enough?
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Why do trolls no longer live under bridges, but instead live above them?

They get a better signal.
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Duke of Cornwall

The usual news reader at an English radio station falls sick and they ask a recent hire to read the news instead. Never done it before, she nervously starts reading news at a live channel when she comes across a piece of the royal family and has to mention Prince William. She continues reading and h...

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There's some soldiers in Vietnam.And they've been pinned down in their trench for days. ( Dark Joke )

Finally one guy says,"Fuck this I really have to pee guys. Lay down covering fire, i'll run into the bushes.When I'm done I'll give a signal and you can give me covering fire while i run back."

So they lay down fire, and he runs off into the jungle.

But he's gone for a good half an hou...

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