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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.

He thinks that he is
smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer
from LONDON and is certain that he has a
better education than any Irish cop. He decides
to prove this to himself and have some fun at
the Irish cop's expense.
Irish cop says,"License and registration,
please."
...

What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it. We’re closed.

Two Irishmen walk past a shop window with a sign in it that says, ‘Suits £2 Shirts £1.50!!!’

One Irishman nudges the other with excitement and says, “We are going to make our fortune here today”, and they enter the shop excitedly.

They walk up to the counter and one of the Irishmen says “Can we get 50 suits and 50 shirts please?”

The lady behind the counter looks at them with...

I'm really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.

Now every little *ting* is gonna be all right!

A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The mutt looks up and says: “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country...

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I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?”

Me: “John”

Homeless man: “So Johnny, there is black rooster alright?

How many legs does that chicken have.”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right, n...

What do ya call a scary movie about your zodiac sign?

A horrorscope

What's the surest sign that you need to find a new barber?

The pile of swept-up ears in the corner.




>!PS: I found this in the game Poptropica.!<

A man saw a sign on a farm: Talking dog for sale

He asks the farmer where the dog is.

Out back.

The man goes up to the dog, in his doghouse and says, hey what's your story?

The dog speaks: Well, as soon as I found out I could talk I wanted to be of service to my country. So I went to the CIA. They placed me as a spy in f...

The sign in my hotel room said, "Not responsible for stolen items."

So I stole some stuff.

I saw a sign that said "Watch for children"

And I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade".

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A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop - and sure enough - there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

He knocks and...

Passed an auto parts store today and saw a sign that read, “Dead batteries, $1”

I thought, those should be free of charge.

A bus driver was heading down a street. He went right past a stop sign without stopping. Next he turned left where there was a "no-left turn" sign. Finally he went the wrong way down a one-way street. He didn't break any traffic laws. How?

He was walking.

Did you hear about the contracts the Indian restaurant made their employees sign?

They were naan-disclosure agreements

A sign at a music shop

Says “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

r/Jokes A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, ‘Lool Area’

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’.”

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no ...

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go ma...

I went to Runnymede where King John signed the Magna Carta

When I was stationed over there for a while.

The tour guide explained everything very well, and after a few minutes of history he asked if there were any questions.

The American wife of a fellow service member asked, "When did he sign it?"

The guide simply said, "1215."

T...

Should an Italian child born without ears learn sign language?

Deafinitaly.

A priest was standing on the side of the road, holding a sign that said, "The end is near! Turn around before it's too late!"

A man drove up to the priest in his car, rolled down his window, and said, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" He rolled the window back up and drove off in anger.

The priest thought to himself, "I knew my sign should have just said 'Bridge Out'."

The best thing about opening presents signed by "mom and dad"

Is the fact that my dad is just as surprised about what's in there as I am

My friends zodiac sign was cancer, ironic how he died

Eaten by a giant crab.

Nobody showed up to the sign language club.

It’s too bad nobody has ever heard of it.

A Roman walks into a bar, hold up his hand making a peace sign

"Five beers please"

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I saw a sign on a gas station bathroom the other day

It said "If you voted for Trump, you can't shit here. Your asshole is in Washington DC"

While browsing the charity shop window I spotted sign that read "4k 60 inch widescreen for $1 because volume is stuck on full" I thought

I can't turn that down!

I hate people who defend their laziness with their zodiac sign!

I mean, I invited my friend into an important friend reunion but she didnt go!

I asked her what was wrong she said' "Oh, I have cancer"

Yeah im an Aries! So what?

A man and his family walk into a bar. Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory".

The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.

The child asks, "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?"

The Native American states, "eggs."

The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years lat...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you t...

So my doctor told me to pick a star sign, any star sign

So I said Gemini

And he said *showing me his clipboard* well this says cancer

Walking past a farm, I saw a sign that said: 'Duck, eggs'.

I thought: "That's a funny place for a comma" -then it hit me.

To everyone's surprise , our Mexican neighbors got the city to sign for a bill to restrict loud noisess

Nobody expects the Spanish din petition

I had a really nice sign to put in my yard.

But the Astros stole it.

I signed up for my company's 401k,

but I don't think I can run that far.



Credit: Norm "Old Chunk of Coal" MacDonald

Astrological signs are a great way to see if two people are compatible.

For instance, if you volunteer your astrological sign in conversation, we can’t be friends.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After the death of her husband, a woman puts a sign on her front porch...

The sign states that any man who: 1. Will treat her nicely, 2. Won't leave her, and 3. Who is good in bed can stay with her. A few days later, the doorbell rings and she opens it to find a man in a wheelchair with no arms and legs. He says, "I'm here regarding the sign on your front porch. As you ca...

The first sign of madness is talking to yourself

The second sign is replying.

In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do....

The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see.

The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign.

Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself"

The...

I was driving through a neighborhood and saw a sign that said "Drive like your children live here"

so I pulled a stealthy u-turn right the hell out of there.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more c...

How does Tom Hanks sign his letters?

T.Hanks

A man dies and goes to hell.

Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes ...

Saw an office sign the other day, it said Ditcher, Quick & Hyde...

...Divorce lawyers

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A man was driving on the freeway when he saw a sign that said "Whistle Blowjobs - 10 miles"

" whistle blowjobs?" He thought to himself, wondering what that was all about.

"They suck your dick while they whistle? That's impossible!"

Then he passed another sign: "Whistle Blowjobs - 5 miles"

And another: "Whistle Blowjobs - 1 mile"

At this time he was so curious...

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I read a sign in a bathroom stall that said, “Do not flush foreign bodies. Toilet paper only.”

Beneath it someone had written, “No shit?”

What did the exit sign at the sperm bank say?

Thanks for coming.

Driving down the road one day, a hillbilly sees a sign in front of a farm. MULE FOR SALE $50. He stops, talks to the farmer and buys the mule. Handing the farmer his $50, he says "I'll be back tomorrow with my trailer and pick him up." The hillbilly comes back the next day and the farmer has

some bad news. The mule has died.

"Well, just give me back the $50."

"Can't do that" says the farmer..."I already spent it."

"OK, help me load it in the trailer."

"What are you going to do with a dead mule?" asks the farmer.

"I'm going to raffle him off."
...

Where did the practice of signing a piece of paper in exchange for services and goods start?

The Czech Republic.

Pinocchio, Snow white, and Superman

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a little stroll in town one afternoon enjoying the sunshine.

As they walked, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering!" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out an...

What did the Redditor say when he saw a sign in pieces?

Edit: This post blew up!

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A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

I think my wife has started to show the first signs of Alzheimer's disease

She says she doesn't remember what she ever saw in me

After watching me sign up for a Greek philosophy course, my dad said, “Did you know Aristotle said that we are what we repeatedly do?”

“Therefore, I’m your mother.”

I think my deaf friend wants to update her computer. But her sign language interpreter is giving me mixed signals.

I think she needs a better processor.

Ugh, my Doctor got my zodiac sign wrong!

I’m a Capricorn, not Cancer!

On a road trip, I remember passing a sign that said ‘Rest Stop 1 Mile’.

I thought to myself, “Wow, that’s really big.”

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In celebration of my cake day, here's the worst joke I've ever created.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him ...

What sort of document do you have to sign before you can work in a convent?

A Nun-Disclosure Agreement

It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns

Last time I voted for a real estate agent

I was driving by a sign that said "SLOW - School Zone" when it hit me...

A child to be exact.

On my way to go hunting I saw a sign that said "Bear Left"

so I went home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was on the beach and there was a "no nudism" sign. Saw a guy totally naked and noticed he had beautiful testicles...

...I said to him: "I don't approve of what you're doing, but I admire your balls."

This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.

I wish I could have read the signs.

Seems a guy in Texas makes a rolling stop at a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local policeman.

Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolv...

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a sin...

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My Girlfriend believes in Zodiac signs

So I am fucking stupid

If a guy with only one arm speaks sign language,

is it a speech impediment or an accent?

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

Sign found on a laundrette near a church.....

Dirty habits?? No problem

Just lost my job as a zookeeper

In my defence there were signs everywhere saying "please don't feed the animals"

A man walks into a bar and notices a sign advertising "World famous punch!"

The man thinks, "Awesome! I love punch!"

He approaches the bartender and asks, "Hey barkeep, saw your sign. I'd love some punch!"

The bartender replies, "Sure thing buddy, you just have to wait in the line."

The man looks around and doesn't see anything.

Guy gets pulled over for not stopping at a stop sign

The guy yells at the cop and says "I know I didn't stop, I slowed down, what's the difference?!"

Cop starts beating the driver with his baton and after a few minutes asks the driver "Do you want me to stop or slow down?"

“Take One” signs are like the speed limit

You can go about ten over before you get in trouble

I saw a sign while driving saying ”put your phone down and drive” and it was right of course

it is a lot easier to text while looking down.

Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant

They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says "no pets allowed - service dogs only". The guy with the doberman says, "don't worry I got this." He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside.

The manager comes up to him and says, "sir, you can't have your dog in...

I didn’t want to believe my friend was stealing from the road construction site.

But I went to his house to confront him and all the signs were there.

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Two monks are setting up a sign in front of their monastery

The sign reads ”Beware! The End is near! Turn around now before it is too late!"

A car full of atheists drives by at full speed, and the atheists yell at the monks "Go fuck yourselves you lame ass religious nuts!"

Suddenly there's a sound of screeching tires, terrified screams and a sp...

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking dog for sale"

Intrigued he walks in and sees the dog. "So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog

"I have had a very full life" says the dog. "I have lived in the Alps, rescued avalanche victims, I served my country in Iraq, and now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home...

I saw a roadside stand with a sign that said "Lobster Tails-$2". So I stopped in and paid my $2.

Then the proprietor says, "Once upon a time, there was this lobster..."

The departing division general manager met a last time with his young successor and gave him three envelopes.

"My predecessor did this for me,and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope. Good luck."

The new manager returned to his ...

Three man sentenced to death

Three man, one French, one Spaniard and one German were sentenced to death by guillotine. The executioner called the first one, the French, and asks him what's was his lest wish before death, he shout out "nothing, I surrender". The executioner drops the blade, but it gets stucked, the executioners ...

My neighbor got in serious trouble for saying she would kill me in Sign Language.

Thankfully she was arrested for deaf threats

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Inspired by a church sign that read “Tell someone that they matter”

I pulled my daughter aside and said to her in my most sincere voice: “Unlike energy, you occupy space and possess rest mass.”

If robots can’t identify stop signs or traffic lights in captcha images...

maybe self-driving cars are a bad idea.

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What's the most illegal thing you've ever done?

\-So you know those signs that say "No Trespassing"?

\-Yeah

\-Well, I fucked the dead dear behind it

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Doctor to his assistant Doc: Put a sign outside my clinic that reads Doctor Smith Therapist

A whole day has gone by without a patient entering


Doctor: Did you put the sign outside like i told you ?

Assistant: Yes,but is Therapist 2 words?

A Jewish boy was failing math.

His mother had tried everything. Special classes, private tutors and even a summer at a math camp. Nothing worked. Desperate, she decided to send her son to a Catholic school one of her friends had recommended.

The boy came home the first day, slammed his coat on the table, ran to his room a...

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Three explorers: one from England, one from France, and one from New York went into the jungle...

One day on their journey a group of native tribesmen found and captured them. After being taken to the camp of these natives, the explorers were brought to the chief of the tribe.

He told the explorers. "For trespassing on land sacred to our people, you are to be killed and your skins turned...

I parked at a sign that said frog parking only!

I ended up getting toad.

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A blond, a brunette, and a redhead find a cliff.

There is a sign that says “cliff of wishes, jump and say what you desire and you shall land in it”.

The brunette says “here goes nothing” and jumps. She says “money” and lands in a huge pile of $100 bills.

The redhead jumps and says “the power to fly” and she doesn’t hit the ground, b...

A man is travelling down a desert road when he sees a sign saying "SPEED LIMIT 40". He lowers his speed to 40 MPH.

Half an hour later, he sees one with the words "SPEED LIMIT 20", so he goes down to 20 MPH.

Another half an hour passes, and he sees a sign with the words "SPEED LIMIT 10". Surprised, he slows down to 10 MPH.

After an hour, he sees a sign saying "WELCOME TO SPEED LIMIT!".

Man in a helicopter

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, ci...

What is the sign that you're ugly?

The guy in the van is suddenly "all out of candy".

The Pregnant Woman On The Bus (not mine)

Another classic...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughi...

I just signed up to a movie-to-book club. I think they're clowning around, but they told me the new guy always has to-

read It and weep.

I believe deaf people have the most fans

After all they are always signing stuff.

Three light-skinned gentlemen walked into a tanning salon

They were looking to get their tan. The owner of the salon were happy to recieve them and asked them what tans they wanted.

The first gentleman said he wanted a light tan, so the salon owner led him to a tanning bed that was colored caramel.

The second gentleman said he wanted a gold...

Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training...

When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. 


The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. 


So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangid...

Sign above bank teller’s station: “To err is human,

to forgive is not bank policy.”

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.

“Do you think,” one priest says to other, “it would be better to shorten the sign to ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I love all these signs in men's bathrooms stating stuff like "stand closer" or "don't pee on the floor" or "pee elegantly" or "please aim" or ...

I have to assume any such sign was thought up by someone who has never operated a dick before.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign..

"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!"

The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard.

One of the nuns thoughtfully says,

-Sister, shall we ju...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy sitting in a bar notices a sign on the wall that says, "Lawyers are assholes".

"Hey, I resent that!"


"Why? You a lawyer?"


"No, I’m an asshole."

A guy sees a sign that says, "Volunteers needed for medical experiment. $500 fee!"

So he goes in and they tell him they need humans to mate with gorillas. The guy thinks about it for a second, then says, "I'll do it under three conditions: 1) No one can find out that I did this. 2) If there are any offspring, they should be treated humanely. 3) I'm gonna need some time to come up ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went to a pet shop today to buy a fish

The lady said do you want a aquarium why the fuck do I need to know it’s star sign

If a deaf kid swears in sign language,

does his mom wash his hands with soap?

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident...

In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for a...

Star Signs

The Doctor walks in,

Patient: Hey doc, whats the news?

Doctor: I was wondering what's your star sign?

Patient: Cancer, why?

Doctor: Funny that.

What’s the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, “Sign here please.”

Feeling sheepish

Guy driving down the road sees a farmer in the pasture banging a sheep.

He is so dumbfounded that he continues driving trying to come to grips with what he saw until he comes to a stop sign.

He decides that he must go back and confront the farmer about what he is doing

He return...

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your s...

Bill, Donald, and George are out playing golf and discussing the peculiarities of the office.

George starts talking about all the bills he was able to sign at the presidential desk in the oval office and Trump smiles at him and slaps his back. " I got that beat George, the party has turned it into an altar now, they would follow me to hell and back."

Trump gets his club out as he is r...

Lucky #7

A guy wakes up on July 7th at 7am and hops on the #7 train get to his first day of work. He realizes that his office is located on 7th avenue and that the building number is 77. He counts all the money he has in his pocket and turns out that he has exactly 777$. It must be a sign. He heads to the ra...

A man decides to sell his Jeep Wrangler

Because his friends keep giving him a hard time about the car saying it’s a vehicle made for teenage girls, the Jeep owner decided to go ahead and sell it.

One of the man’s friends felt pretty bad about it and decided to help him out, telling the owner that he would drive it around with the ...

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