A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you t...

A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, “LOOL AREA!!”

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’."

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no ...

What is the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language.

My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!

Honestly, I should have seen the signs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says “make my horse laugh and win $500”

So the guy has a couple drinks and asks about the sign. Bartender says the horse is in the back. So the guy goes back there and pretty soon the horse is laughing uproariously. Guy collects his $500 and leaves.

When he comes back next week, the sign has been replaced by one that says “make my...

If a deaf kid swears in sign language,

does his mom wash his hands with soap?

Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training...

When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. 


The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. 


So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangid...

Those ‘watch for children’ road signs are weird,

I mean, how dangerous can a child be

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 10 year old boy sees a sign for a brothel and not knowing what it was asks his father about it.

The father, not feeling like talking about sex with his son yet says it's a place where men go to get what they want for a sum of money.

The son is intrigued and saves up some money for a month.

He goes to the brothel and is greeted by the front door hostess.

Hostess: *aren't y...

A police officer pulled over a lawyer who had failed to come to a complete stop at a stop sign.

The lawyer argued his case that the spirit of the law was simply that the maneuver be safe and since he hadn't caused an accident his actions complied with the law.

The officer disagreed and informed the lawyer he would issue him a ticket.

"I will accept that ticket if you can explain ...

So I drove to Alabama and there was a welcome sign

It said:

Welcome to Alabama and remember,

you can't spell cousin without sin.

Enjoy your stay!

My uncle's zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died

from being crushed by a giant crab.

Did I ever tell you about the time I saw a sign that made me sh!t myself?

It said "bathroom closed."

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.

“Do you think,” one priest says to other, “it would be better to shorten the sign to ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man see's a sign on a bar window "Win $1,000,000 - Details inside"

Curiosity peaked, he enters the bar and asks the bartender what's required to win the million.

​

"Ah, that?" The bartender casually replied, offering a challenging smirk. "It requires the completion of 3 tasks I believe to be impossible. It brought in a lot of business when ...

I was in the library today and I saw a sign on the emergency exit that said, "This door is alarmed"...

And I wondered, what startled it?

I purchased this closed box full of bees, it has a warning sign which says

Be Safe

I was going to get a couple neon signs for my man cave from the attic...

Sadly, they Argon

There's something odd about that new "DO NOT TOUCH" sign.

I couldn't quite put a finger on it.

The bathroom door at my workplace has a sign that reads "Please use toilet brush after using the toilet."

Will it be okay to ask my employer to provide a softer brush so it hurts less?

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?"

The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequila. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gott...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bill signs up for an online dating app...

...and in a desperate and hasty attempt to hook up with woman, he accidentally sets his preference to men. To Bills' suprise, he receive's a 100% match with a man named Josh. In fear that Bill would hurt Josh's feelings by rejecting him, Bill goes on a date with Josh at a local restaurant. They hit ...

Driving down a highway,I saw a sign that said "rest area 25 miles."

I thought to myself "wow,that's pretty big"

( Stolen from Steven Wright)

Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign.

“Why the new sign?” I asked.

“My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one,” she said.

When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: "Local Honey Dates Nuts."

Why was the subtraction sign elected president?

Because he promised to make a difference!

My first job was as a door-to-door salesman.

I sold "no soliciting" signs.

Here's some Lame Game Dev Humour:

So, I used to work at a studio - doesn't really matter where - and there was this one guy who'd always be around. Just around. I didn't want to seem impolite so I never asked what he did. I kept my head down and did my thing, you know. I mostly forgot about him, except for when I'd be working late a...

Peter is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought..

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 ...

(non-spoiler) Why could't Team Avengers sign Steve Rogers?

They didn't have enough cap space.

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale.

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

Anti vaccinated kids show no sign of autism

Because autism isn’t detected until age 3

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Met a homeless man with a sign that said "One Dollar for a Dirty Joke"

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.


Homeless man: "All right sir, what's your name?"
Me: "John."


Homeless man: "So John, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?"
Me: "Two?"


Homeless man: ...

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your s...

"Hello sir would you like to sign this petition in support of the Cheese Act that congress is trying to pass?"

"Yeah sure I'm pro-volone"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign..

"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!"

The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard.

One of the nuns thoughtfully says,

-Sister, shall we ju...

Should we replace the exclamation mark (!) with the sign for resistance (Ω)?

Coz oh-me-gaaaa wd.

My friend asked me if I knew sign language...

I said I knew a handful of words.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I walked past the butchers and saw a sign in the window

"Wanted: Apprentice"

So I went inside and asked the butcher what happened to the old one.

He said "I had to fire him"

I asked "why?"

He replied "I caught him sticking his dick in the bacon slicer"

"Oh dear" I said "and what happened to the bacon slicer?"

He ...

What’s the Pokemon Sableye’s birth sign?

Gem-in-eye

I walked into my doctors appointment and he said pick a star sign. I said Capricorn

He said no you’ve got Cancer

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day while at the farmers market a man came upon a cart with a sign that read “Magic Apples”

He asked the farmer what could possibly be magic about apples. The farmer handed him a fruit and said try it. After taking a bite the man said to the farmer, “It’s a fine apple, but still just an apple.” To which the farmer replied “Turn it over”. The man turned the apple over, took another bite, an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that he could win $1000...

He asks the bartender on how he could win. The bartender replies, “Well I got a horse out back - if you can make the horse laugh you win the money.”

The man goes out back and not even 5 minutes later he had the horse dying of laughter. The bartender, being very confused, lived up to his prom...

A man walks in to a local deli and sees this sign.

€4 Chicken Sub
€3 Ham Sub
€2 Hand job

A beautiful blond walks up to serve him.

Man- Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?

Beautiful Blonde- Yes I am

Man- Great, would ya mind washing your hands there and get me two ham subs.

What does the sign say on and out-of-business brothel?

Beat it. We’re closed.

A doctor sees a “brains for sale” sign in front of a shop.

He goes in and sees a doctor’s brain is $8 a pound, paramedic brain is $12 a pound, nurses brain is $30 a pound, truck driver is $40, and a lawyer brain is $90 a pound. He asks the person behind the cash register, “Why is a doctor brain worth $8 a pound but a lawyer brain is worth $90?” The cashier ...

A man passed a shop,where he saw a sign, "Magic Vulture for Sale"

Curious, the man walked into the shop and asked about the bird.

The salesman replied, "This vulture has special powers. Whenever you go shopping, bring it along, and the cashier will give you 90% off!"

"Really? How much does it cost?"

"A million dollars."

The man balked a...

What was the UK when they signed the Oregon Treaty?

An Oregon donor

The sign at the orthodontist's office said "The doctor was called away for an emergency."

"Brace yourself."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman was racing home; running stop signs and drifting around corners...

She came hauling ass into the driveway; car screeching to a hault. She ran straight into the house. Slammed the door and shouted excitedly:

"Honey, pack your bags; I just won the lottery!"

Husband came out of his office, and ran up to the banister.

"Oh my god! What should I pack...

The dollar sign ($) was introduced in 1788

It was a simpler time back then. Everyone had common cents

Four Canadians arrived at an all-way stop sign from each direction at exactly the same time

They're still there

I'm excited visiting the Harry Potter world in universal studios until I saw a sign on one of the rides

You must be this tall to ride Hermione ....

A dark sense of humor is a early sign of dementia.

A dark sense of humor is a early sign of dementia.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks past a sign reading, "Tits - £10 each, Swallows for £30, £50 for a Shag", so the man walks in and asks, "how much for anal?"

The woman slaps him and shouts, "SIR! This is an aviary!!"

The Democrats agreed to sign over $6 Billion for the construction of the border wall, on one condition... that Trump stay on the other side.

Trump agreed.

​

...but Mexicans refused.

It was late at night and my car was running on empty, but then I turned a corner and saw a sign saying "Open 24/7."

I thought to my self, that's no use, July's ages away

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teenager was standing in front of a recruiter, about to sign his life away to the Marines.

The recruiter promised him adventure and action, and the teenager was buying it all up. He finished his training (Semper Fi!) and was immediately given his first posting: he was going to Afghanistan. Being an FNG, the Devil Dog worked long and worked hard, but by the end of his tour, he felt he had ...

Dirty hands are a sign of clean money....

Unless you’re a grave robber

What did the cement say to the sign?

I'll keep you posted

A department store opened in downtown area that sold men and a woman decides to visit it in search of a husband.

At the store’s entrance, there’s a sign outlining the department store policy.

* The first rule states that you can only enter the store once.
* There are six floors and on each floor you can choose a husband or elect to move on to the next floor.
* You cannot visit a floor more than on...

What is a couples' favorite sign?

The "Do Not Disturb" sign.

Saw 1st signs of spring today.

Two crackheads were carrying a space heater into the pawn shop.

I just gave my first Ted talk about south paw sign language.

The audience was left speechless.

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

In heaven, there were two huge signs.

The first read, "Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do."


The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see.


The second sign stated, "Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do."


Only one man stood under that sign.


Intrigued, St...

I just started taking classes on sign language..

I gotta say, it's pretty handy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a sign in the booze aisle of the supermarket. It said "Alcohol-free"

Fucking bargain, I thought, so I picked up ten bottles of Prosecco.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My colleagues thought it would be good to each wear a shirt representing our star sign for our ‘make a wish foundation’ fundraiser

Now I’m here wearing the word CANCER across my chest and feel a right knob

The highway sign said, “Watch for falling rocks.”

And I thought, OK fine, but I only have 10 minutes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was at a store with signs up that said "Tits for $5", "Swallows for $10"

I asked the girl at the front desk how much anal cost, but her answer didn't make a lot of sense. She said "please, sir this is an aviary".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I made my girlfriend sign a consent form before we had sex.

It was a big deal.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Zodiac signs can tell a lot about your personality.

For instance, if you believe in them, you're an utter cunt.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two drunk girls stop to pee in a cemetery

Two drunk girls stopped to pee in a cemetery after a long night out drinking and partying.

The first girl squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realizes she doesn't have anything to wipe with, so she takes her panties off and wipes herself, and throws them away.

The secon...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you offend a bunch of Zodiac sign believers?

"You're all Pisces of shit."

Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally

Not sure why. The sign clearly said "fine for parking"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into the bar and sees a sign: Handjob: $5 Cheese sandwich: $2

He walks over to the bartender, a big boobied blonde, and asks,

“Are you the one giving out handjobs?”

“Why yes I am!”, she replied, smiling and sticking out her chest.

“Okay,” he said. “Now wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich!”

A mobster discovers that his deaf accountant has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

He confronts him, bringing along an interpreter. "Ask him where the money is," the mobster says.

The interpreter does so, and the accountant signs back, "What are you talking about?"

The interpreter tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The mo...

The signs always say, “Break glass in case of emergency,” but when I had an emergency and broke the glass, my neighbor yelled at me.

Apparently, it was “highly inappropriate” to throw my drink to the floor, and I “could’ve just asked where the bathroom is.”

If you went to a strip club at lunchtime and it wasn't open, would the sign on the door say...

"SORRY, WE'RE CLOTHED"

Two guys are walking down the street in Florida and they see a sign outside a bar that says "10 cent Martinis" and they decide to go in. They don't believe it, but decide to order anyway. The bartender makes two large Belvedere martinis with blue cheese olives and says "That will be 20 cents."

The two guys can't believe it, but drink up and order again. While the bartender is making the drinks, they ask him "How can you afford to do this?" The bartender responds, "I always wanted to own a bar where people could drink cheaply and then I won the lottery." One of the patrons responded, "That...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've never understood how the Nazis couldn't find where Anne Frank was hiding

I've been to Amsterdam... There are signs pointing to her house everywhere.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A London lawyer is driving

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense.
<...

What's the sign most of people are compatible With?

The dollar sign

I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there

A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign

which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man driving down the road sees a sign that says "Apples $5."

He's kinda hungry so he pulls over and says he will take a dozen. The guy working the stand says "That'll be $60" "Whoah" says the buyer, "Your apples are $5 Each?!" "Yepp, because my apples taste like peanut butter and jelly. Here, try one!" Says the seller. So the man takes a bite and to his surpr...

On an examination paper, The professor required his students to sign a form stating they had received no outside assistance...

....Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.

The professor carefully studied the answer script....

...and then said: "You can sign with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."

Two travelers are driving past a, "Welcome to Lewisville, Kentucky!", sign and ...

They can't decide if it's pronounce LouiS-ville or Louey-ville. So they decide to settle it by asking at a burger place they pull up to.

"Hi we're from out of town and have a bet about how locals pronounce this place"?

The local says deliberately and slowly, "Burger... King".

I decided to learn sign language.

It’s surprisingly turned out to be very handy.

There was a sign on a shop window. It said "Looking for a full-time cleaner. Give us a call."

So I phoned them up and said, "I saw the notice in your window. I think I might be able to help."

"Oh yes?" replied an eager voice.

"Yes," I said. "If you give me a description of their appearance I can go out and search for them."

How many Redditors does it take to successfully hang up a sign?

Infinite, they’ll never stop reposting it.

I read a sign today that said Watch for Children

I thought it was a pretty fair trade

I walked into the Doctors Surgery and he said to me, "Pick a star sign, any star sign.

" "Capricorn." I replied.

&#x200B;

"Yeah, right," he tutted. "As if I'm about to tell you that you have Capricorn. Try again."

My friend keeps asking me why I have such a fear of 'No Entry' signs

I say "Don't go there"

I was driving through a neighborhood and saw a sign that said "Drive like your children live here"

...so I turned off my headlights and pulled a stealthy u-turn right the hell out of there.