A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, “LOOL AREA!!”

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’."

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no ...

My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!

Honestly, I should have seen the signs.

My uncle's zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died

from being crushed by a giant crab.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bill signs up for an online dating app...

...and in a desperate and hasty attempt to hook up with woman, he accidentally sets his preference to men. To Bills' suprise, he receive's a 100% match with a man named Josh. In fear that Bill would hurt Josh's feelings by rejecting him, Bill goes on a date with Josh at a local restaurant. They hit ...

Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training...

When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. 


The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. 


So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangid...

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads,

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"

A passing driver yells, “Leave us alone you religious nuts!” and speeds past them.

From around the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash....

Peter is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought..

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 ...

What does the sign say on and out-of-business brothel?

Beat it. We’re closed.

What’s the Pokemon Sableye’s birth sign?

Gem-in-eye

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Met a homeless man with a sign that said "One Dollar for a Dirty Joke"

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.


Homeless man: "All right sir, what's your name?"
Me: "John."


Homeless man: "So John, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have?"
Me: "Two?"


Homeless man: ...

I was walking down the street when a saw a church sign. It read,

"WHOEVER STOLE OUR AIR CONDITIONER, YOU CAN KEEP IT, BECAUSE IT'S HOT WHERE YOU'RE GOING!!!"

I walked into my doctors appointment and he said pick a star sign. I said Capricorn

He said no you’ve got Cancer

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?"

The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequila. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gott...

Anti vaccinated kids show no sign of autism

Because autism isn’t detected until age 3

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your s...

A doctor sees a “brains for sale” sign in front of a shop.

He goes in and sees a doctor’s brain is $8 a pound, paramedic brain is $12 a pound, nurses brain is $30 a pound, truck driver is $40, and a lawyer brain is $90 a pound. He asks the person behind the cash register, “Why is a doctor brain worth $8 a pound but a lawyer brain is worth $90?” The cashier ...

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Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign..

"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!"

The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard.

One of the nuns thoughtfully says,

-Sister, shall we ju...

The sign at the orthodontist's office said "The doctor was called away for an emergency."

"Brace yourself."

A man passed a shop,where he saw a sign, "Magic Vulture for Sale"

Curious, the man walked into the shop and asked about the bird.

The salesman replied, "This vulture has special powers. Whenever you go shopping, bring it along, and the cashier will give you 90% off!"

"Really? How much does it cost?"

"A million dollars."

The man balked a...

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One day while at the farmers market a man came upon a cart with a sign that read “Magic Apples”

He asked the farmer what could possibly be magic about apples. The farmer handed him a fruit and said try it. After taking a bite the man said to the farmer, “It’s a fine apple, but still just an apple.” To which the farmer replied “Turn it over”. The man turned the apple over, took another bite, an...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that he could win $1000...

He asks the bartender on how he could win. The bartender replies, “Well I got a horse out back - if you can make the horse laugh you win the money.”

The man goes out back and not even 5 minutes later he had the horse dying of laughter. The bartender, being very confused, lived up to his prom...

The dollar sign ($) was introduced in 1788

It was a simpler time back then. Everyone had common cents

A guy posts a sign needing to hire someone that can type 60 wpm, use a computer and is bilingual

This dog walks in"Woof!"

The man says "What? You going to apply for this job?"

The dog says "Woof!" Walks to the sign, grabs it and puts it in the man's lap.

The man says "Alright...but can you type 60 wpm?"

The dog "Woof!" Walks to the typewriter and commences to typ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I walked past the butchers and saw a sign in the window

"Wanted: Apprentice"

So I went inside and asked the butcher what happened to the old one.

He said "I had to fire him"

I asked "why?"

He replied "I caught him sticking his dick in the bacon slicer"

"Oh dear" I said "and what happened to the bacon slicer?"

He ...

Saw 1st signs of spring today.

Two crackheads were carrying a space heater into the pawn shop.

Four Canadians arrived at an all-way stop sign from each direction at exactly the same time

They're still there

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman was racing home; running stop signs and drifting around corners...

She came hauling ass into the driveway; car screeching to a hault. She ran straight into the house. Slammed the door and shouted excitedly:

"Honey, pack your bags; I just won the lottery!"

Husband came out of his office, and ran up to the banister.

"Oh my god! What should I pack...

The Democrats agreed to sign over $6 Billion for the construction of the border wall, on one condition... that Trump stay on the other side.

Trump agreed.

​

...but Mexicans refused.

It was late at night and my car was running on empty, but then I turned a corner and saw a sign saying "Open 24/7."

I thought to my self, that's no use, July's ages away

Dirty hands are a sign of clean money....

Unless you’re a grave robber

What’s the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language

I just gave my first Ted talk about south paw sign language.

The audience was left speechless.

A dark sense of humor is a early sign of dementia.

A dark sense of humor is a early sign of dementia.

What did the cement say to the sign?

I'll keep you posted

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a sign in the booze aisle of the supermarket. It said "Alcohol-free"

Fucking bargain, I thought, so I picked up ten bottles of Prosecco.

A department store opened in downtown area that sold men and a woman decides to visit it in search of a husband.

At the store’s entrance, there’s a sign outlining the department store policy.

* The first rule states that you can only enter the store once.
* There are six floors and on each floor you can choose a husband or elect to move on to the next floor.
* You cannot visit a floor more than on...

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A man walks past a sign reading, "Tits - £10 each, Swallows for £30, £50 for a Shag", so the man walks in and asks, "how much for anal?"

The woman slaps him and shouts, "SIR! This is an aviary!!"

The highway sign said, “Watch for falling rocks.”

And I thought, OK fine, but I only have 10 minutes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Zodiac signs can tell a lot about your personality.

For instance, if you believe in them, you're an utter cunt.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My colleagues thought it would be good to each wear a shirt representing our star sign for our ‘make a wish foundation’ fundraiser

Now I’m here wearing the word CANCER across my chest and feel a right knob

I was at the zoo the other day and saw a sign that said, "Do not feed the animals."

Naturally, I obeyed the sign. So they fired me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teenager was standing in front of a recruiter, about to sign his life away to the Marines.

The recruiter promised him adventure and action, and the teenager was buying it all up. He finished his training (Semper Fi!) and was immediately given his first posting: he was going to Afghanistan. Being an FNG, the Devil Dog worked long and worked hard, but by the end of his tour, he felt he had ...

In heaven, there were two huge signs.

The first read, "Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do."


The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see.


The second sign stated, "Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do."


Only one man stood under that sign.


Intrigued, St...

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A man walks into the bar and sees a sign: Handjob: $5 Cheese sandwich: $2

He walks over to the bartender, a big boobied blonde, and asks,

“Are you the one giving out handjobs?”

“Why yes I am!”, she replied, smiling and sticking out her chest.

“Okay,” he said. “Now wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I made my girlfriend sign a consent form before we had sex.

It was a big deal.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was at a store with signs up that said "Tits for $5", "Swallows for $10"

I asked the girl at the front desk how much anal cost, but her answer didn't make a lot of sense. She said "please, sir this is an aviary".

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you offend a bunch of Zodiac sign believers?

"You're all Pisces of shit."

I just started taking classes on sign language..

I gotta say, it's pretty handy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man sees a sign outside a house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'....

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog tal...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said "Bathroom closed"

The signs always say, “Break glass in case of emergency,” but when I had an emergency and broke the glass, my neighbor yelled at me.

Apparently, it was “highly inappropriate” to throw my drink to the floor, and I “could’ve just asked where the bathroom is.”

Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally

Not sure why. The sign clearly said "fine for parking"

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

Two guys are walking down the street in Florida and they see a sign outside a bar that says "10 cent Martinis" and they decide to go in. They don't believe it, but decide to order anyway. The bartender makes two large Belvedere martinis with blue cheese olives and says "That will be 20 cents."

The two guys can't believe it, but drink up and order again. While the bartender is making the drinks, they ask him "How can you afford to do this?" The bartender responds, "I always wanted to own a bar where people could drink cheaply and then I won the lottery." One of the patrons responded, "That...

On my way to KnifeCon 2019 and my heart dropped when I saw the sign "No Sharp Objects".

It was my worst knifemare.

If you went to a strip club at lunchtime and it wasn't open, would the sign on the door say...

"SORRY, WE'RE CLOTHED"

What's the sign most of people are compatible With?

The dollar sign

I decided to learn sign language.

It’s surprisingly turned out to be very handy.

NSFW A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50

HAND JOB: $10.00

He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks.

“Can I help you?” she asks.

“I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the hand jo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two drunk girls stop to pee in a cemetery

Two drunk girls stopped to pee in a cemetery after a long night out drinking and partying.

The first girl squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realizes she doesn't have anything to wipe with, so she takes her panties off and wipes herself, and throws them away.

The secon...

Two travelers are driving past a, "Welcome to Lewisville, Kentucky!", sign and ...

They can't decide if it's pronounce LouiS-ville or Louey-ville. So they decide to settle it by asking at a burger place they pull up to.

"Hi we're from out of town and have a bet about how locals pronounce this place"?

The local says deliberately and slowly, "Burger... King".

There was a sign on a shop window. It said "Looking for a full-time cleaner. Give us a call."

So I phoned them up and said, "I saw the notice in your window. I think I might be able to help."

"Oh yes?" replied an eager voice.

"Yes," I said. "If you give me a description of their appearance I can go out and search for them."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man driving down the road sees a sign that says "Apples $5."

He's kinda hungry so he pulls over and says he will take a dozen. The guy working the stand says "That'll be $60" "Whoah" says the buyer, "Your apples are $5 Each?!" "Yepp, because my apples taste like peanut butter and jelly. Here, try one!" Says the seller. So the man takes a bite and to his surpr...

How many Redditors does it take to successfully hang up a sign?

Infinite, they’ll never stop reposting it.

On an examination paper, The professor required his students to sign a form stating they had received no outside assistance...

....Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.

The professor carefully studied the answer script....

...and then said: "You can sign with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."

My friend keeps asking me why I have such a fear of 'No Entry' signs

I say "Don't go there"

I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've never understood how the Nazis couldn't find where Anne Frank was hiding

I've been to Amsterdam... There are signs pointing to her house everywhere.

A mobster discovers that his deaf accountant has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

He confronts him, bringing along an interpreter. "Ask him where the money is," the mobster says.

The interpreter does so, and the accountant signs back, "What are you talking about?"

The interpreter tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The mo...

A sign at the music shop said.....

Gone Chopin, Bach in a minuet.

I walked into the Doctors Surgery and he said to me, "Pick a star sign, any star sign.

" "Capricorn." I replied.

​

"Yeah, right," he tutted. "As if I'm about to tell you that you have Capricorn. Try again."

A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign

which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward

A pub landlord is having a new sign put on the front of the building, The Fox and Hound. The handyman props up the letters against the building and asks 'How does that look?' The landlord replies 'There's too big a space between 'Fox and and and and and Hound'.

Don't know if it's really a joke but it makes my Grandad laugh so I hope you do too.

I read a sign today that said Watch for Children

I thought it was a pretty fair trade

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I tried chatting a girl up on Tinder by asking what her star sign was and she told me “piss off”

Is that on the cusp of Pisces or something?

I was driving through a neighborhood and saw a sign that said "Drive like your children live here"

...so I turned off my headlights and pulled a stealthy u-turn right the hell out of there.

By asking 4 questions i can tell what your zodiac sign is

1. What's your favorite color?

2. What's your mother's maiden name?

3. What's your social security number?

4. What's your birthday?

Just seen a sign "Turkey £29" in the butcher's window...

...That's £300 cheaper than Thomas Cook.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was driving home when I passed a brand new subdivision with a big sign reading “LOTS FOR SALE!”...

So I drive on in and screw the bastard who posted that sign because there was nothing there!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two guys run their own business out of the same storefront, allowing them to split the rent. The first guy has a bagel shop in the morning hours. After he clears out the second guy runs a martial arts studio in the afternoon. But what do they call the shop? What name on the sign works for both?

Jew Dough

I'm glad I learned sign language.

It's really handy!!

What do you call a joke made by using sign language?

A jester

What do you call a clown who always signs up for every marathon?

A running gag.

When she asked me about my sign I told her I don't believe in astrology...

Because I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A London lawyer is driving

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop's expense.
<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walking down the street sees a sign above a store that reads "Cock Shop"

He decides to check it out. He walks in and heads to the counter and whips out his cock. The woman cashier lets out an audible shriek and asks "What the fuck are you doing?"

"The sign outside said Cock Shop, so..."

"Clock shop you idiot, the "I" is out" replies the angry cashier. "Look...

The sign on a plastic surgery clinic reads...

“If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can turn them into melons.”

I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though.

He said "Alright, I'll write all right."

Corny traffic sign jokes.

"Don't park on this pole."
"Anti-P! Down with P!"
"Watch out for stick man!"
"Watch out for the slow children!"

I'm a dad, and if my son doesn't constantly roll his eyes at me, I'm not doing my job.

Roman guy walks in a bar and makes a peace sign with his fingers

Bartender gives him 5 beers

Sign up today for a new 24 letter alphabet.

No BS.