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I was in Venice Beach in January and there was a homeless man with a sign that said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”

Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar.

Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name?”

Me: “John”

Homeless man: “So Johnny, there is black rooster alright?

How many legs does that chicken have.”

Me: “Two?”

Homeless man: “Right, n...

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go ma...

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

A man and his family walk into a bar. Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory".

The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.

The child asks, "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?"

The Native American states, "eggs."

The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years lat...

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

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After the death of her husband, a woman puts a sign on her front porch...

The sign states that any man who: 1. Will treat her nicely, 2. Won't leave her, and 3. Who is good in bed can stay with her. A few days later, the doorbell rings and she opens it to find a man in a wheelchair with no arms and legs. He says, "I'm here regarding the sign on your front porch. As you ca...

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Stop vs slow down

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop. He thinks that he's smarter than the cop because he's a lawyer from the one and only London and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop'...

I saw a hitchhiker with a sign that read ‘Heaven.’

So I ran him over.

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet and beckons to the sexy bartender.

"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.

"Yes," she purrs. "I am."

"Well, wash your frickin' hands," says the man. "I want a cheese san...

I was walking past a farm and a sign said, “Duck, eggs.” I thought, “That’s an unnecessary comma…”

– and then it hit me.

It’s important to look closely at lawn signs during election campaigns

Last time I voted for a real estate agent

Seems a guy in Texas makes a rolling stop at a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local policeman.

Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolv...

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I saw a sign that made me shit myself

It said, "Bathroom Closed"

What’s the least spoken language in the world?

Sign language

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A man was driving on the freeway when he saw a sign that said "Whistle Blowjobs - 10 miles"

" whistle blowjobs?" He thought to himself, wondering what that was all about.

"They suck your dick while they whistle? That's impossible!"

Then he passed another sign: "Whistle Blowjobs - 5 miles"

And another: "Whistle Blowjobs - 1 mile"

At this time he was so curious...

A man wins $100 000 at Las Vegas.

When he returns home he hides it in his backyard, only to wake up the next morning and find it stolen, with a trail of muddy footprints leading to the mute-deaf a few blocks away. Enraged, he enlists the help of the sign language professor next door, and together, the man armed, they confront the mu...

In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do....

The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see.

The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign.

Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself"

The...

Guy gets pulled over for not stopping at a stop sign

The guy yells at the cop and says "I know I didn't stop, I slowed down, what's the difference?!"

Cop starts beating the driver with his baton and after a few minutes asks the driver "Do you want me to stop or slow down?"

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

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A Dublin man sees a sign outside a Kerry farmhouse: 'Talking Dog For Sale'....

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog tal...

Sign found on a laundrette near a church.....

Dirty habits?? No problem

I was driving by a sign that said "SLOW - School Zone" when it hit me...

A child to be exact.

A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, “LOOL AREA!!”

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’."

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no ...

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My aunts sign was cancer so her death was ironic....

Eaten alive by a giant ass crab

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So I was on the beach and there was a "no nudism" sign. Saw a guy totally naked and noticed he had beautiful testicles...

...I said to him: "I don't approve of what you're doing, but I admire your balls."

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking dog for sale"

Intrigued he walks in and sees the dog. "So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog

"I have had a very full life" says the dog. "I have lived in the Alps, rescued avalanche victims, I served my country in Iraq, and now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home...

If robots can’t identify stop signs or traffic lights in captcha images...

maybe self-driving cars are a bad idea.

If a guy with only one arm speaks sign language,

is it a speech impediment or an accent?

I saw a roadside stand with a sign that said "Lobster Tails-$2". So I stopped in and paid my $2.

Then the proprietor says, "Once upon a time, there was this lobster..."

My grandmother's star sign is Cancer, and last week she was sadly diagnosed with...

Crabs...

I parked at a sign that said frog parking only!

I ended up getting toad.

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A crazy guy outside my work has been wearing a “The end is near!” sign every day for the last 2 months.

Fuckin’ false advertising.

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Guy sitting in a bar notices a sign on the wall that says, "Lawyers are assholes".

"Hey, I resent that!"


"Why? You a lawyer?"


"No, I’m an asshole."

Inspired by a church sign that read “Tell someone that they matter”

I pulled my daughter aside and said to her in my most sincere voice: “Unlike energy, you occupy space and possess rest mass.”

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A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

What is the sign that you're ugly?

The guy in the van is suddenly "all out of candy".

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Two monks are setting up a sign in front of their monastery

The sign reads ”Beware! The End is near! Turn around now before it is too late!"

A car full of atheists drives by at full speed, and the atheists yell at the monks "Go fuck yourselves you lame ass religious nuts!"

Suddenly there's a sound of screeching tires, terrified screams and a sp...

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I love all these signs in men's bathrooms stating stuff like "stand closer" or "don't pee on the floor" or "pee elegantly" or "please aim" or ...

I have to assume any such sign was thought up by someone who has never operated a dick before.

My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!

Honestly, I should have seen the signs.

What does the sign of an out of business brothel say?

Beat it, we're closed.

Traffic signs

I saw a sign that said "Slow men at work"

I thought how awesome it was that the "Slow children at play" will grow up and find work

A man is travelling down a desert road when he sees a sign saying "SPEED LIMIT 40". He lowers his speed to 40 MPH.

Half an hour later, he sees one with the words "SPEED LIMIT 20", so he goes down to 20 MPH.

Another half an hour passes, and he sees a sign with the words "SPEED LIMIT 10". Surprised, he slows down to 10 MPH.

After an hour, he sees a sign saying "WELCOME TO SPEED LIMIT!".

Star Signs

The Doctor walks in,

Patient: Hey doc, whats the news?

Doctor: I was wondering what's your star sign?

Patient: Cancer, why?

Doctor: Funny that.

So I saw this sign the other day, it said “wood fired pizza”

So I said “Wood fired pizza? How will pizza get a job now.”

A man walks into a bar and notices a sign advertising "World famous punch!"

The man thinks, "Awesome! I love punch!"

He approaches the bartender and asks, "Hey barkeep, saw your sign. I'd love some punch!"

The bartender replies, "Sure thing buddy, you just have to wait in the line."

The man looks around and doesn't see anything.

A guy sees a sign that says, "Volunteers needed for medical experiment. $500 fee!"

So he goes in and they tell him they need humans to mate with gorillas. The guy thinks about it for a second, then says, "I'll do it under three conditions: 1) No one can find out that I did this. 2) If there are any offspring, they should be treated humanely. 3) I'm gonna need some time to come up ...

I see these signs that say "slow children at play"

I guess some people need the whole world to know how smart there kid is..

i didn’t want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

but when i got home, all the signs where there

A man is in a car with his friends and decides to stop by a pizza restaurant. Outside he sees a sign that says “wood fired pizza.”

And then the man said “Wood fired pizza? How’s the pizza gonna get a job now?”

What did the stop sign say to the pickup truck?

Stop!

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A man walks into a bar. A sign above the bar says “Complete the challenge, win $500.”

Curious, he asks the bartender about the sign. The bartender says, “It’s simple, drink that bottle of habañero vodka, go out back and extract a bad tooth from an angry alligator and then go upstairs and give an orgasm to a woman who’s never had one.”

The man thinks about and decides he has be...

The sign says “Shoes repaired while you wait”

The guy walks in and the shoemaker says they’ll be ready Thursday ...

I thought you said while I wait?

The shoemaker replies...

“If you you want to wait, wait!”

I went to a grocery store and a sign said "no food or drink"

So I went home

Some people say that when a pepper is really small it's a sign that it is very hot...

...but, in reality, it's a little chili

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.

“Do you think,” one priest says to other, “it would be better to shorten the sign to ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

One way streets are really poorly designed.

I mean yes they have clearly marked "one way" signs but every sign I've ever seen has been backwards and no one seems to read it anyway I always have oncoming traffic.

If a deaf kid swears in sign language,

does his mom wash his hands with soap?

What did the Theta sign say to the number 8?

Why's your belt so tight?

Funeral homes really need spoiler warning signs on the front of their doors.

In case any baby attends.

My new job asked if I’d like to sign up for the 401k.

I’m a little nervous though, I’ve never ran that far before.

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A man sees a sign that reads “Brothel” but has no idea what it is

This looks like a mysterious fucking place to me

A sign hangs in the window of a buddhist shop...

"Free life advice, inquire within"

I walked into the doctors office and he said "pick a star sign any star sign" I said umm Capricorn

He no you got Cancer

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what is the ultimate sign of trust?

two cannibals giving each other blow jobs.

Sam signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training...

When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. 


The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle. 


So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangid...

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A man signs up to be a special effects supervisor in a studio.

A man, Dave, signs up to be a special fx supervisor in a film making studio. His job was to study different “boards” each containing different sound effects, and he was to pick out the most pleasing and configure them to his preferences.

The first day, Dave went to work and he was directed to...

So a guy stops at a stop sign and he sees a car full of penguins next to him.

He asks 'What's up with all the penguins?'

The other guy answers, 'I don't know. I stopped at a light and then all these penguins jumped in my car. I don't know what to do with them.'

'Maybe you should take them to the zoo.'

The other guy says 'That's a great idea!' and drives o...

I saw a sign on the highway that said: "End Roadwork."

But I don't know about that. Seems as if a lot of people would lose their jobs.

I should've known better than to sign a contract that was written on the side of a cereal box.

Turns out the thing was filled with loopholes

I keep seeing guys holding signs that say, “Homeless Vet.”

Rough times for pet doctors, eh?

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Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign..

"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!"

The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard.

One of the nuns thoughtfully says,

-Sister, shall we ju...

A police officer pulled over a lawyer who had failed to come to a complete stop at a stop sign.

The lawyer argued his case that the spirit of the law was simply that the maneuver be safe and since he hadn't caused an accident his actions complied with the law.

The officer disagreed and informed the lawyer he would issue him a ticket.

"I will accept that ticket if you can explain ...

First date

Girl: "So, what do you do in life?"

Guy: "Well, I'm currently trying to eliminate all cancers!"

Girl: "Oh my god, that's amazing!"

Guy: "Thanks! So, what's your sign?"

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'
Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth.'
Lawyer: 'Ugh. this is kerosene.'
Chinese: 'Congrats, your s...

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A man see's a sign on a bar window "Win $1,000,000 - Details inside"

Curiosity peaked, he enters the bar and asks the bartender what's required to win the million.



"Ah, that?" The bartender casually replied, offering a challenging smirk. "It requires the completion of 3 tasks I believe to be impossible. It brought in a lot of business when I first put ...

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Young thug

A young thug with his pants hanging half off his ass walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting somethi...

Peter is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye

It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought..

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 ...

Those ‘watch for children’ road signs are weird,

I mean, how dangerous can a child be

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A guy walks up to a bar with his chihuahua and sees a sign that says ‘no dogs allowed’

He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks inside with his dog.

Bartender: Sorry man, you can’t bring your dog in here.

Guy: But he’s my seeing-eye dog.

Bartender: Ah come on, seeing-eye dogs are always Labradors or golden retrievers!

Guy: Wait what? WELL WHAT THE FUCK HA...

I read an article called "7 signs you might be an overachiever"

I related to 8 of them

What did the guy say who wanted to become a sign?

Where do I sign up?

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A homeless man had a very interesting sign

It said that he could guess anybody’s age for $5. A young lady came up and asked if he could do this to her. She gave him the $5 and the old man started looking carefully at her. He said, “I just need to feel your boobs to figure out your age. The woman was very surprised. She reluctantly agreed, a...

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A man walks past a sign reading, "Tits - £10 each, Swallows for £30, £50 for a Shag", so the man walks in and asks, "how much for anal?"

The woman slaps him and shouts, "SIR! This is an aviary!!"

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Bill signs up for an online dating app...

...and in a desperate and hasty attempt to hook up with woman, he accidentally sets his preference to men. To Bills' suprise, he receive's a 100% match with a man named Josh. In fear that Bill would hurt Josh's feelings by rejecting him, Bill goes on a date with Josh at a local restaurant. They hit ...

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

A balloon seller was selling his balloons.... His sign read DEFLATED BALLONS-$1.... INFLATED BALLOONS-$250

When asked why, he said he'd adjusted the pricing for Inflation.

So I drove to Alabama and there was a welcome sign

It said:

Welcome to Alabama and remember,

you can't spell cousin without sin.

Enjoy your stay!

What sign comes before Cancer?

Emphysema.

I saw a sign that said, "Rest area,25 mile"

An thought,wow,that's pretty big.


Steven Wright

Why did the physicist throw the stop sign into the ocean?

He was studying sign waves.

Anti vaccinated kids show no sign of autism

Because autism isn’t detected until age 3

Why was the subtraction sign elected president?

Because he promised to make a difference!

I purchased this closed box full of bees, it has a warning sign which says

Be Safe

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I walked past the butchers and saw a sign in the window

"Wanted: Apprentice"

So I went inside and asked the butcher what happened to the old one.

He said "I had to fire him"

I asked "why?"

He replied "I caught him sticking his dick in the bacon slicer"

"Oh dear" I said "and what happened to the bacon slicer?"

He ...

I was in the library today and I saw a sign on the emergency exit that said, "This door is alarmed"...

And I wondered, what startled it?

I was going to get a couple neon signs for my man cave from the attic...

Sadly, they Argon

The bathroom door at my workplace has a sign that reads "Please use toilet brush after using the toilet."

Will it be okay to ask my employer to provide a softer brush so it hurts less?

There's something odd about that new "DO NOT TOUCH" sign.

I couldn't quite put a finger on it.

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Two drunk girls stop to pee in a cemetery

Two drunk girls stopped to pee in a cemetery after a long night out drinking and partying.

The first girl squats down by the car and starts to pee. She then realizes she doesn't have anything to wipe with, so she takes her panties off and wipes herself, and throws them away.

The secon...

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