UPJOKE
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Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

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I had 12 bottles of whisky...

I had twelve bottles of whisky and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else there'd be hell to pay.

So, I said I would and proceeded with the sad task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the...

A Linguist, a musician, and a content creator walk into a bar

They all start using slurs

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How it's like being a researcher for pornographic content on the Internet?

It's Hard.

i told my girlfriend yesterday, she should learn to embrace her mistakes

she seemed very content, because she instantly hugged me.

Netflix has been making some questionable decisions on its content

Then again, I've seen Stranger Things

A stranger rides into a Wild West town and finds it deserted.

All except the saloon, so when he's hitched his hoss to the rail he goes in, orders a beer, and says to the barkeep "Say, where is everyone?"

"They've all gone to hang the Brown Paper Kid," says the barkeep.

" 'Brown Paper Kid' ain't no kinda name for a man," says the newcomer. "What d...

What's something that feels British but isn't?

The contents of the British Museum.

A Doctor claims to treat patients with 100% Results otherwise he will give 100$

A man walks inside the clinic and says **"Doctor, I have lost my taste buds. I can't feel the taste of anything."** The Doctor replies **"Don't worry. I will give you a syrup and you wil regain your taste buds. Nurse, pls give him the blue bottle."** The man drinks the content of the blue bottle and...

A football quarterback, soccer wing forward, baseball designated hitter, volleyball setter, hockey winger and cricket batsman walk into a bar...

# POST REMOVED

**Rule 10 -** Overly ***offensive*** content

A Spanish man is driving a tractor trailer across France and into Italy.

A Spanish man is driving a tractor trailer across France and into Italy. At the border he gets stopped by the French police and questioned about the contents of his truck. "Caracoles" he says. Not understanding, the police open it up and say "Oh, escargots." The Spanish man replies, "Sì, es cargo."

OnlyFans launched a new step sibling content adult website...

They call it OnlyFams!

Good news! Now that OnlyFans is getting rid of adult content

Your local restaurants will be able to hire servers again.

A Redditor posts a joke.

And within 2 minutes of submission he has 8 comments telling him, “that’s a repost and that same joke was submitted last month and got 3k upvotes. We only want original content here!” So he deletes it and moves on.

Two months later he hears a new joke and posts it. Again within 2 minutes of s...

[ Removed by Reddit ]

[ Removed by reddit on account of violating the [content policy](/help/contentpolicy). ]

Reddit has become great for the planet

Almost all content is now post-consumer recycled

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Sonny Liston fights Muhammed Ali, takes a dive, loses and a few years later dies and goes to hell

He wakes up in hell and is greeted by the Devil holding a clipboard. The Devil puts him in a room with millions of small cardboard boxes full of small broken sticks with red tips.

"Liston, you have to spend all eternity repairing the contents of these boxes. We always give the new arrivals a ...

[WARNING CONTENT NOT FUNNY] Do not click into this

A horse walked into a bar

Bartender: Hey

Horse: Yes please

Redditors are very environmentally aware

More than half the content on the front page is recycled

Patrons at the zoo were astonished to see an old man jump over the bars of the lion's cage

Seemingly oblivious to the danger, he walked among the fierce creatures holding the latest bestselling book in his hands, intently perusing its contents. The spectators were beside themselves.

"What in the world is he doing?" shouted one.

"Is he crazy? He's going to get killed!" yelled...

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SUMMER CAMP FOR Husbands. Evening classes for men. Starting this month.

*Summer camp*

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of the content, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

*Topic 1.*
How to fill ice-cube trays and why to fill water bottles before putting them back in the fridge.
Step by step with slide pre...

A software developer walks into a pub

A software developer walks into a pub:

Runs into a pub,

Crawls into a pub,

Dances into a pub,

flies into a pub,

and orders:

1 Beer

2 Beers

"qwertyuiop" Beers

Beers

\-1 Beers

Content, he leaves

A customer walks in and...

In Alabama, they're not worried about OnlyFans restricting adult content

They use OnlyFams.

The Dalai Lama should post more on reddit.

He's great at making people content.

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Adam and Eve in the garden..

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflec...

The Government Employee

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet.

He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp he's never seen before. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.

While poli...

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A stripper tries a new form of roleplay and finds great success

The man nervously entered the room. Unlike the rooms around it, it looked plain and undecorated, with normal lighting. In it was a table and 2 chairs.

Cherry the Stripper entered. She was wearing a plain blouse, a normal length skirt, and glasses. She was also carrying a folder.

She sa...

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

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A farmer has a good harvest and decides to buy a barrel of wine to celebrate with his wife.

He brings it home and sets it outside of their cottage, and he and his wife celebrate their success.

The next day, the farmer wakes to find the barrel is now only half full, but they'd only had a few glasses each. Furious about the thievery, he posts a sign saying, "This wine belongs to Farm...

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Gift for sweetheart

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for her
birthday. As they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration
he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but
not too personal.

Accompanied by the sweetheart's sister, he w...

I heard a rumor that r/jokes is getting an "Original Content" flair to help Redditors avoid cut&paste reposts

I heard a rumor that r/jokes is getting an "Original Content" flair to help Redditors avoid cut&paste reposts

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A Redditor told me “Yo momma’s so dumb that she doesn’t get most of the content on r/jokes.”

“Oh yeah?” I said, “well, yo momma’s so dumb that she doesn’t get *any* of the content on r/all.”

I wanted to come back with something original, but all I could muster was a shitty riposte.

I wasn't sure that Netflix would ever find success producing their own content. Then again...

Stranger Things have happened.

There is a medieval town with a group of friars.

You know the ones, balding on top, fringe of hair, gray-robed religious folks. They are having a meeting to discuss the lack of donations to the church.

"Donations are at an all time low, it just isn't enough to support the church any more! Anyone have any ideas of how we could make more mone...

I really think OSHA should make an OnlyFans account

They're some of the leading experts in NSFW content after all

Greta Thunberg must love reddit

Most of the content here is recycled

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There's a porn site that makes you watch at least 10 minutes of dwarf MILF content before you can access anything else.

That's their bare mini mum.

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An elderly couple in a senior's home used to visit the recreation room everyday. While there, the old lady would sit quite contently holding the old guys's penis. One day she goes down to the rec. room and is mortified to find her man with another woman holding his penis.

"What's she got that I don't have" she says. He looks up with a large smile on his face and replies "Parkinson's"

With all this spare time on their hands people are going to start pursuing their passions. I wouldn't be surprised to sudden explosion in the arts, a renewal in scientific interest, and a mass proliferation of original content.

A coronaissance, if you will.

A rabbit escaped from a lab.

While on his way, he found a group of rabbits who asked him to stay. Not wanting to refuse the offer, he asked them, what was so special about the place.

The leader of the group says - If you go through that fence, there is a whole field of carrots ready to eat to your content.

So, he ...

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Early one morning, you pull down your favourite cup, only to find a small dragon, curled up and sleeping contentedly inside.

Confused and still half asleep you take the cup outside to empty the dragon carefully onto the grass, then return to rinse your cup and make coffee. The next morning he is back, curled snuggly inside the cup as before and you repeat the process.

After a week of repeating this process you make...

Stuttering Bible Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who wo...

Difference between Russia and USA

In Russia they use breathalyzers to check for minimum blood alcohol content

Where do crustaceans get their adult content?

PronHub

The following content is not suitable for miners.

Cave-ins.

Where does a con artist stay when camping?

The answer is in the content!

I love Netflix's audio logo

It's the best part of most of their original content.

Reddit is possibly the most environmentally conscious site on the internet.

Nearly 100% of the content is recycled at some point, often several times.

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I'm starting a new premium subscription service that will distribute sexual content based on Japanese demons.

It shall be called Oni Fans.

Two Scottish men die in a car crash and go to hell

Two Scottish men die in a car crash and go to hell they both sit in their room laughing and joking about how nice hell is then the devil walks past their room and heres this furious he asks them why they are so content one of the men says hell is so warm we never get temperature like this in Glasgo...

With all the video content available these days...

It's hard to believe that for five whole years we came back to watch Tattoo yell "the plane, the plane."

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A wood expert.

A drunk man in a bar began bragging that he could identify any type of wood by its smell only.

The bartender and patrons decided to test him. The man was blindfolded and presented with several pieces of wood.

First they put a pencil infront of his nose. He smelled it and said, "That's...

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The world fossil fuel industry was shocked by the scandalous public exposure of LITERAL underground "swingers parties". The scandal allegedly involves numerous lustful Coal Union members including prospectors, colliers, dredgers, excavators, and sappers...

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# POST REMOVED

# Rule 9 - Reddit prohibits any sexual or suggestive content involving minors.

Today is the first time I visited r/Jokes and couldn't understand why there's no flair called "Original Content"

Now I understand.

I went to an adult website and searched for good Christian content.

Turns out it was all missionaries.

There are so many reposts on this sub that all hope seems lost on original content. This post will say otherwise.

Otherwise.

I love how eco conscious this sub is.

All the top content is recycled.

What do you call a vampire that checks the calorie content of these between meals?

Count Snackula.

Reddit's logo should be a bit more green.

To symbolize the amount of reused and recycled content.

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Defining piracy

If i have fish and you are hungry and I offer you my fish - That's generosity...
If i have fish and you are hungry and you eat it without my permission - That's stealing..
If i have fish and 5000 of you are hungry and i make 5000 copies of the fish and all of us eat contently - I am fukin Jes...

A happy marriage

A man and woman had been married for more than sixty years. They had shared everything They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her abou...

How much of Reddit content is made up of recurring themes?

69%

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A scientist turns up a bottle then immediately spits the contents across the room.

You said that was water! It tastes like fucking peroxide!

You asked what I was drinking I said H^(2)O. Then you asked what was in that bottle and I said ," That's H^(2)O^(2)'

An American goes to breakfast in a restaurant in Italy.

After the meal he looks at the coffee menu and orders an Espresso Ristretto, because the name sounds good. The server brings him a tiny coffee cup with a little coffee at the bottom. The American takes the cup, dumps the content in his mouth, makes few slushing sounds with his tongue and says to the...

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I'm doing a crossword and I'm stuck on one clue. It is "contents of a postman's bag"

How many letters?

Fucking loads

A man emptied a punching bag of its content and filled it with Guinness books.

He then proceded to beat all records.

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A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

I've informed my pregnant wife that I am never changing diapers.

I'm very content with the ones I currently wear.

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Harold and Phil are out golfing

Phil craves a smoke, so he pulls out a cigarette and asks Harold if he has a light.

"Sure", says Harold. He reaches into his golf bag and pulls out a massive foot-long gas lighter.

"Wow, where did you get that huge lighter?" asks Phil.

"My genie", says Harold.

"Your... ge...

Netflix’s original content has some stiff competition.

I heard they’re shooting something at YouTube HQ today.

They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but...

A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

Why do pirates love reddit?

It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.

\r\jokes has the funniest most original content

But at least I don't have Alzheimer's.

How is a joke like an animal?

When you dissect it, it dies.

Get it? Because just like when you take apart an animal to see how it works, it obviously can't be alive anymore, by the same logic, picking apart the inner workings of a joke by over-explaining the punchline is going to kill the humorous spirit it carries; it wo...

I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

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I agree that there should be different NSFW tags for violent and sexual content

Nothing changes my mood more than seeing naked people while I'm trying to enjoy horrible gore.

What did the Spanish guy say when he saw original content?

Oh si

If wine is jesus' blood, doesn't that make blood/alcohol content "blood/blood" content...

...officer.

They've found a cure for depression!

World renowned singer-songwriter Billy Joel questioned about Fox News tree blaze

Authorities in New York City say that they briefly questioned award-winning musical superstar William Martin Joel about his potential involvement in a Wednesday morning blaze of the Christmas tree in front of Fox NewsCorp's headquarters in Midtown Manhattan.

Police say they questioned the 72 ...

I just found out a friend of mine had their appendix removed...

... so I asked what the surgical team had decided to do with the forward, introduction, contents, glossary and index?

If I had a dollar for every time someone reposted my content

I'd be broke because my posts aren't good enough to be reposted

Newsflash! Tanker truck carrying brine has crashed and spilled its contents all over the highway.

Motorists are reported to be in a pickle.

How Drunk Are You?

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for seve...

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Sex is like original content on r/Jokes

A lot of people don't get it.

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What do Hitler and EA have in common?

*You are missing the Punchline Pack. Please purchase the Reddit Season Pass to reveal missing content*

A transport ship goes down....

A transport ship goes down in the middle of the Atlantic quickly enough that no distress signal get sent. After the ship had been overdue for a ten days, a rescue is dispatched. Five days after that, the come across an island and send men ashore. There, they find four women lounging in emergency ten...

One morning, the new owner of a saloon was setting up his establishment for the day

He heard a commotion from the street and walked out to see people jumping onto their horses, climbing into buggies, or just running away.

"Hey," the owner called to one of the men. "What's going on?"

"You better run, barkeep," the man replied. "Big Ed's a'comin', and can't nobody sto...

I love reddit

I love reddit, but does anyone know if there's a version with new content?

I have never seen my all time favorite joke here, so I will submit relatively original content, enjoy!

There was a newspaper in a very small Midwestern farming town, comes out once a week with local news like the new library books, or the preachers sermon, and school fundraisers. One day the editor calls the reporter in and says, "I don't know what to do about the next issue. There isn't a damn thin...

What's better? Original content or a repost?

A repost.

Why?

Because nothing is better than original content but a repost is better than nothing.

Amnesia is no joke

Based on the content in this sub alone, at least 19 million people have it.

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What’s full of virgins, reposts, and funny original content?

Reddit. i lied about the funny original content.

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Two beggars

It is Easter Sunday in front of Saint Sophia’s Cathedral in Constantinople sometime during the Crusades.

Two beggars are sitting in front of the cathedral.

One is wearing a tattered suit of armor and is covered in bandages. In front of him is a sign: “Give Alms to a poor Crusader who ...

My colleague offered to help me filter adult contents from more than a thousand hours of video.

Nah, thanks. I'm gonna do it single handedly

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A Brit, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into a bar…

They each order a shot of whiskey. The place is buzzing with flies, and one lands in each of their shots.

Disgusted, the Brit says to the bartender, “Pardon me, good chap, but could I have another? Your filthy establishment has caused a fly to foul my whiskey.” The bartender pours him a new ...

The content of this post is true.

The title of this post is false.

Did you hear the one about the baker who dominated the pastry competition through determination and superior sugar content?

He went in all buns glazing.

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I always send an invoice along with my dickpics

Us content creators can't survive on exposure alone.

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(Content NSFW) man walks into a bar on St. Paddy's day and gets tapped on the shoulder by a leprechaun.

A man walks into a bar on St. Paddy's day and gets tapped on the shoulder by a leprechaun. The man turned around and the leprechaun asks "how old are you?" The man replies "I am 29 years old." The leprechaun nodded then said "You have a family don't you?" The man repied "Yes, I have 2 kids and a...

What do you call a thankful German piece of internet content?

Danke, meme.

Which bird is the most contented?

The crow. He never complains without caws.

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