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A girl with a nasal voice walks into a speech therapist's office to get herself "cured."

After going through the therapy, she starts getting hit on by guys who earlier bullied her. She starts having positive thoughts and dreams again. One day she dreams of having sex with her hot Biology teacher. The next day she stays in for office hours and ends up fucking him.

She starts getti...

What did the speech impaired man say after doing to many drugs?

I’m all Meth’d up...

At a college graduation party the valedictorian is giving a speech

The valedictorian: I want to thank everyone that has supported me during my journey. It has been a wild roller coaster and no matter how hard it got I never lost my

Father of the valedictorian *yells*: Virginity.

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What is it called when a Nazi has a speech impediment?

Schindler’s lisp

I had to present a speech about STDs today.

Unfortunately, to get my point across I had to give everyone visual aids.

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

When Obama gave his first speech as president he was behind bulletproof glass

I don't think it's fair.. just cuz he black don't mean he gunna shoot anyone

In a speech two days ago, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she plans to delay Brexit, in the hopes that the UK leaves with her deal on 22 May

May wants to leave at the end of May.

Today I was stopped mid-speech at my town's Dentists' conference

All I said was, "Ladies and Dentalmen, welcome!"

Joseph Stalin is giving a speech to his army.

When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?..."

All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them s...

A boy had a speech impediment and is unable to articulate anything more than the letters of the alphabet.

He opens his wallet, only to sadly exclaim:

O I C U R M T

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My cousin has a speech impediment...

Even though he is in his mid twenties and has had speech therapy he still gets his R’s and W’s mixed up some what frequently.

Yesterday we were at my best friend’s house so I could introduce them, since they both have been great people in my life. About an hour into our hang out session my ...

The guest of honor at an awards dinner is about to give his speech when a stagehand gives him a piece of paper from his wife in the crowd.

“What does it say?” the stagehand asks.

​

“Oh, it just says KISS in very big letters.”

​

“Wow, that’s very sweet,” the stagehand replies. “She must love you and be very proud of you.”

​

“Not really,” the man says. “It stands ...

One of my friends is writing a book about the speech patterns of prison and the criminals inside

In other words, the prose and cons of jail

I was asked to give a motivational speech

But I just don't feel like it.

The Prime Minister's speech writer has resigned.

He's speechless.

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One of my grandfather's favorite jokes; namely because after he told it to me I told it in front of my speech class in high school and he found that to be the funniest thing he ever heard.

One day a good ole country boy went to work in a general store. Things are fine, but after awhile the owner gets called out on an emergency.

The owner tells the good ole boy, "Whenever someone comes in you get them what they want."

So the owner leaves and a man comes in and tells the ...

The president of the United States steps out of his limo to give a speech when a would be assassin leaps from the crowd pointing a gun

The president’s body guard shouts “Mickey Mouse” at the top of his voice. The assassin seems startled by this and it gives the rest of the security team time to jump on the assassin and disarm him. The president congratulates his body guard and asks if “Mickey Mouse” is a secret service code word or...

A university has been accused of not having enough people of colour on their competitive speech recital team.

To tackle the problem they took a bunch of students and covered them in body paint.

They now claim they have achieved their dye varsity quoters.

Did you hear about the escaped convict with the speech impediment?

He was never good at finishing his sentences.

A young Soviet boy asked his father, “Is it true that freedom of speech is the same here as it is in the United States?”

His father said, “In principle, yes. I could stand on the White House lawn and yell, ‘Down with Reagan!’ and not be punished. Similarly, I could stand in the Red Square and yell, without punishment, ‘Down with Reagan!’”

What's the difference between a frog giving a speech and the worst thing Netflix has ever done?

One is Ribbit Ribbit the other is Reboot Reboot.

A priest is giving a speech during a sermon

The priest says: if you want to go to heaven then stand up.

Naturally everybody stood up

The priest then continues: of course you would all stand up, it is natural for you to want to go to heaven, but you do not know how to get there. You may now be seated

Everyone sits down and...

A trucker died in Ireland. A local snack entrepreneur gave a touching speech at the funeral.

“He was driving me nuts alright until the bloody car crash.”

A three legged chicken. (Said in a Ronald Reagan speech.)

A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken running down the road. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.

Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So h...

I am so unwitty. My teacher asked me why i didn't turnover my Speech assignment

I didn't know what to say.

Stalin is giving a speech in front of a large audience.

Suddenly, he's interrupted by a loud sneeze. Stalin stops talking and asks in an ominous tone: "Who just sneezed?" The audience is silent.

"Very well," says Stalin. "We'll do it my way, and believe me, I *will* identify the sneezer." The audience dares not speak.

"Very well," says Sta...

A microwave and a refrigerator get married. Who gives the speech?

The Toaster.

Someone sneezes during Stalin's speech.

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.
"Who sneezed?"
Silence.
"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?"
No answer.
"Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too.
"Well, who s...

I coded a program to detect Al Gore’s speech by his cadences.

I used an algorithm.

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Speech impediment

A guy with a speech impediment is walking down the street. He comes across a bakery and decides to go inside. He goes to the counter and says "Can I have a butt?" The woman says "A what?" A butt the man says again. "Ohh you mean a bun? The guy says ya ya just give me the butt and he walks out of the...

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Taking a poop and practicing a speech for class tomorrow.

Even my ass is jealous of the amount of crap that's coming out of my mouth.

Twitter has banned "foreign spy" as hate speech.

The acceptable term is "undocumented knowledge worker."

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

What do you call maple syrup with a speech impediment?

Mrs. Stuttersworth.

Free speech in Saudia Arabia isn't really free

It costs an arm and a leg.

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Man with a speech impediment goes shopping...

First he goes to the bakers, "can I have a bum please?" he asks. "Do you mean a bun?" Says the baker. "Yes," the man replies, buys the bun and gets on his way...

Next he goes to the electrical store, "can I have a sucket please?" he asks. "Do you mean a socket?" Says the shop assistant. "...

An American and a German are discussing freedom of speech.

The German says:

>Here in Germany, contrary to what a lot of you Americans think, we do have freedom of speech. Everyone here hates Putin, but I could walk right up to the Bundestag and proclaim: "I love Vladimir Putin!" And I wouldn't even be arrested!

The American replies:

...

Melania Trump's Speech

Sorry guys this one's a repost

A man sneezed during Joseph Stalin's speech

The audience, after first cheering their heads off at his arrival, sat hushed and silent, not wanting to make a sound to disturb the speech of their great leader. But then, someone in the audience let out a loud sneeze. Stalin stopped and looked around for the scoundrel that just disrupted his speec...

A lot of people in Iran think that president, Hassan Rouhani went way over the line when he threatened the US with the mother of all wars in his latest speech.

In fact they are so concerned about the angry Twitter response from president Trump that they are going to set up their own ‘Mullah investigation’ to look into the matter.

Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press.

Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.

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A mum asks her kid with a speech impediment to go the shop to get her a bucket, cockroach and a drum.

He goes to the music shop and says can I have a bum please, the shopkeeper replies what? The kid say a bum and points to the drum. The shopkeep say ohhh a drum and the kid says yeah that's what I said a bum.

He goes to the hardware store and asks for a fuckit, the shopkeeper looks at him conf...

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A man with a speech impediment has some errands to run,

He walks in the grocery store and asks the clerk, "Where are your butts?"

Clerk: "My what?"

Man: "You know, the things you put hot dogs in?"

Clerk: "Oh you mean buns! They're over here."

Next the man heads to the hardware store. He walks up to the clerk and says, "Where c...

My speech therapist asks how my Aphasia is coming along.

Hard to say...

What did Melania Trump say to her speech writer?

Thanks, Obama.

One day, Albert Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
 

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"


The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I co...

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An Englishman ,a Scotsman and an Irishman are all going to give speeches to the Deaf Society and are keen to make an impression on their audience…

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.

When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well…" he explained, "By rubbing my chest, I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing m...

Alright, before I start my speech I’d like to give a quick shout out to my grandpa!

Cause that’s the only way he can hear

What does an Italian have when he is missing one arm?

A severe speech impediment.

What do you call an overly emotional tree with a speech impediment?

Twee

The ice breaker I used for my graduation speech today

What do you call the speed of an herbal beverage at any given time?

A. Veloci-tea

Donald Trump is giving a speech, and his bodyguard spots somebody about to shoot the president...

The bodyguard leaps up and shouts "MICKEY MOUSE"

Confused, the shooter stops and asks, "why did you shout Mickey mouse?"

The bodyguard replies "oh sorry, i meant to say DONALD, DUCK!"

Obvious media bias

Michelle Obama gives a speech when her husband is being nominated, and the media is generally positive. Melania Trump gives the exact same speech, and the media pretends it's some kind of scandal.

Stalin is giving a speech ...

All of a sudden, someone sneezes. He stops talking.

"Who sneezed ?"

Silence. Everyone is looking at their feet.

"Who sneezed ? If you don't answer, I'll gun down the front row."

Nobody speaks. He gives an order, and the entire front row is executed.

"Who sneezed ?"...

I gave a speech on attaching wooden planks

I nailed it

Why is Reddit the best place for freedom of speech?

[removed]

What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?

The Spaghetties-burg Address.

A speech to remember

The pope and Donald Trump are addressing the United States and a large crowd of people is in front of them. The Pope turns to Mr. Trump and says “With one wave of my hand I can make all of these people love me forever.”

Mr. Trump says. “No, I don’t think you could.”

The Pope then asks,...

I saw a policeman give a speech on herion the other day....

Couldn't understand a word he was saying.

Why did the magician with a speech impediment buy a candy bar?

Because he wanted to have a few Twix up his sleeve.

Donald Trump had a great inauguration speech

It sounds like he Putin a lot of practice

The Pope is giving a speech at Yankee Stadium...

He gets off his plane and hops immediately into the car with his driver in the front. The Pope looks at his watch and realizes how late he is.
"Hey, Mr. Driver, can you go a little faster, please?"
"I'm sorry your Holiness, I've been told to drive the limit for your safety."
"Oh for the lov...

I gave a speech about time management

It lasted seven hours

Vladimir Putin was practicing a eulogy speech for an assassinated Russian politician in front of a mirror...

(ahem) "He was a dear patriot and credit to the Motherland, whom I personally adored as a friend and colleague. I vow, as leader of Russia, to find the culprits responsible for this vicious murder..."

Putin then stopped and turned to his aide. "Are you sure this strikes the right tone, Yuri...

15 Year Old Teenager: "I love the US! It's the land of freedom and opportunity! We even have freedom of speech!"

CNN: "Hold my beer."

It's a real shame that, in this day and age, Barrack Obama had to give his speech about Martin Luther King Jr., while standing behind bullet proof glass...

Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot somebody...

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I really liked Harvey Weinstein’s speech about sexual misconduct

It was very touching

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician.

He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician... "Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you ...

What did the man with a speech impediment name his boat

The S.S. Stutter

[Long] A scientist is giving keynote speech about dissolvable food for babies

"Imagine if we lived in a world where you no longer had to worry about your children eating and getting food stuck in their airways...'

Gasps of amazement come from the crowd

"Imagine if they could still enjoy all of their favourite foods without any danger and don't need to be constan...

This speech will be very hard for Hillary Clinton...

She isn't getting paid for it

What do you call an outbreak of zombies that also have speech impediments?

The Zombie Apocalisp!

People are saying Donald Trump is wearing dentures after he was slurring his speech yesterday.

I think this calls for a molar investigation.

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In 1940 Goebbels made a speech...

Proclaiming that the Swastika was an example of the Golden Ratio.

Turns out it was a fibbin' Nazi...

Elon's opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention...

Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?

What did Donald Trump say to the thieving immigrant at the RNC?

Great speech sweetheart!

I went to a speech therapist the other day.

I told her: "I have a feeling people have a hard time trying to understand what I'm saying."






She said: "No, no, not at all. I think the weather is quite lovely today."

Michelle Obama gave a great speech last night

I can't wait to hear it again at the next Republican National Convention.

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, with a speech impediment living under the sink?

Dwayne.

People say Trump's new dentures caused him to slur his speech.

Or as Trump calls them, Fake Chews.

Mini-Skirt Speech

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

Google announced a better speech recognition rate for its AI than for humans. I really love Google!

It understands me.

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What did Gordon Ramsey say to the Lion with a speech impediment?

It's FUCKING ROAR!