What is the difference between a Joe Biden speech and a Donald Trump speech?

When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke.

When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.

Speech is like girls Skirt.

If it is too long, people don't take interest in it, if it's short, it will fail to cover the subject.

One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could giv...

A man on a stage giving speech 'all men who are afraid of their wives come here"

All the men except for one person went to the stage. He said to the only man sitting in his seat "wow, so you aren't afraid of your wife, respect".

The man said "my wife told me not to move from this seat till she comes back"

I listened to a speech from Trump this morning apologizing for his wrongdoings and taking responsibility...

That was the weirdest dream ever, man.

My wife was giving a speech at her parents’ wedding anniversary, and my phone battery ran out in the middle of recording it.

Now I’ll never hear the end of it.

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

Did you hear about the Mormon cat with a speech impediment?

He had nine wives.

What’s the difference between someone who doesn’t understand figures of speech, and a burglar?

The first takes things literally. The other takes things, literally

What did Microsoft employees say to Bill Gates after his motivational speech?

Word.

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Trump..

They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi ambassador says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen here in America."

President Trump says, "Well your excellency, anything I can do to help you?"

The Saudi whispers "My son watches your show *Star Trek* and in it ther...

What is the worst way to start a speech at a funeral?

"So, first of all... My bad."

Whats the best thing about freedom of speech on reddit?

The mods are there to ban anyone who points out your facts are inccorect!

Melania Trumps RNC speech just leaked on live TV

It was read aloud by Michelle Obama.

A bandage is giving a speech to an auditorium full of people when all of a sudden, in walks a leg with a knife wound...

...the bandage says "I suppose we better wrap this up"

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Look, guys, you can't just throw out jokes about Trump's West Point speech willy nilly.

You have to ramp up to them.

Today I conquered my fear of public speaking and gave a rousing, powerful speech about how nobody likes a quitter.

...aaaand they kicked me out of the 12-step program.

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A grammar book walks into a bar

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the pass...

You wanna hear a joke?

Free speech on Reddit

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A guy walks into the doctor’s office

A guy walks into a doctors office and tells the doctor:

“Doccctorrr, I cccaannn hharddlllyyy finiiiishh a senttttenccee.”

The doctor says:

“Alright let’s do a head to toe inspection”

The doctor quickly notices this guy has an enormous penis. Like the biggest the doctor ha...

Free Speech

Dude:I believe in freedom of speech


Bro:So does everyone else you idiot.You don't get brownie points for believing in a basic right


Dude:Hey you can't say that!

In China we guarantee our citizens the freedom of speech

But we do not guarantee their personal safety after their speech.

Just finished a great book about a transvestite who has a speech impediment.

The title is "Man or Myth."

My friend with a speech impediment thought that Chewbacca was an Ewok.

Such a Wookie mistake.

Karma works in strange ways.........

My friend invited me on the opening of a charitable organisation for cancer. I sat in the front row and listened to the impressive speeches and had Good Buffet meal at the break. When the rest of the program finished and the Donation Box was being passed around, I sheepishly pulled out an old worn o...

What did the magician with a speech impediment say to the fisherman?

Pick a cod, any cod.

What is the worst thing to need as a scientist with a speech impediment?

a physicist's assistance

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So I'm on a plane and the Captain starts his annoying little speech:

He goes, "This is your captain speaking, and we will be cruising at an altitude of 35,000 feet, (Bla, Bla, Bla)"

After the announcement, he forgets to turn off the intercom, and goes to his copilot, "Man, I could really use a blowjob and a cup of coffee."

As the entire plane hears it...

Santa’s Reindeer’s competition

In the days leading up until Christmas, all of Santa’s reindeer throw a party, with each reindeer throwing their own party on a different day. During the day before Christmas Eve, the elves, reindeer, and Claus’ would decide who threw the best party that year and there would be a prize.

The d...

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I hate my speech problems

I told a girl that she was "Boobiful"

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A woman buys a new car

It comes with a voice activated radio that will play whatever music that the driver desires. She decides to test it out while driving her new car home.

"Classical," she said.

The radio immediately starts playing Nocturne op.9 No.2.

"Country," she said as she turned left.

...

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You know, I never understood why Obama had to give his speeches behind bulletproof glass.

I mean, I know he's black and all, but I highly doubt he's going to shoot anyone.

An American was arguing with a Russian on which of their governments were better...

The American made the case, “you know in the United States of America you can march into the White House, slam your fists on the president’s desk and say, Mr.President, I don’t like the way you are running this country.”

The Russian replied,”I can do that”.

The American in a bit of s...

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A guy walks into a doctors office

and sits down on the table. The doctor asks him “what’s going on?” The guy says “d-d-doctor, I d-d-don’t know w-w-whats g-g-going on. I c-c-can’t st-st-stop st-st-stuttering!” So the doctor calms him down and says “we’ll need to do a throughout physical examination to see what’s the root cause of th...

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Shoutout to Hitler’s speech proofreader

The original Grammar Nazi

For the 1 year anniversary of the priest Jhon at a church many people came hearing the mayor speech.

The mayor was late so the priest Jhon started talking:

-You know first my expectations for this city was really low the first man who confesses to me was an horrible human being. He cheats on his wife multiple time with different women, he lies to everyone and admits being corrupted in his jo...

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Aliens visited the earth one day

They only want peace and help human technology advance and started to beam all world leaders into their ship. Almost all countries' leaders are inside the ship except for the Vatican, where the Pope is still speaking with the public.

After the speech, the aliens hovered above and beamed the P...

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Adam goes to a bar

Adam goes into a bar. Bartender says, "What'll ya have, fella?"

Adam says, "S-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-scotch n-n-n-n-n-n s-s-s-s-s-soda."

Barkeep fills the order, hands it to Adam, who says "th-th-th-th-th-thanks."

Barkeep leans over the counter, motions to Adam, looks left & righ...

Everyone says that China doesn't have any freedom of speech. That's obviously untrue.

In the United States, you can go up to the White House and shout "Down with America!", and you won't be punished for it.

Similarly, in China, you can go up to the Communist Party Headquarters and shout "Down with America!", and you won't be punished for it.

\----------

Wanted to...

How do I know China has Free Speech?

No one says otherwise.

Joseph Stalin was giving a speech in front of his comrades

And then one person in the audience sneezes. "WHO SNEEZED?!" Stalin yelled. No one answered. So he gave an order for the whole first row to be shot."WHO SNEEZED?!" Again, no one answered, so the second row was ordered to be shot. Then the third row, the fourth row, and the fifth row were all shot, u...

Two young, slightly speech-impaired brothers decide to join a class that will teach them fencing.

After a good while in the class, these brothers were exceptional when it came to their offense. However, they noticed their instructor avoided all non-combative techniques.

One of the brothers, Phineas, decided he would confront the instructor on this issue. However, due to the previously men...

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After getting married, the woman filed for divorce the very next morning...........

Judge: "I don't understand, what happened?"

Woman: "I work in a pharmacy. I met him when he first came there last week and asked to purchase an X-X-X-X-L condom. That's when I thought, for a happy pleasureful life, I should get him to marry me before any other girls find out and lap him up."...

I was attending a ceremony at a graphite convention, with multiple speakers. To my surprise, I was invited to give a speech of my own.

I took the microphone from one of the speakers. Oozing confidence, I shouted, “8B.”



The crowd erupted in applause. I handed the microphone back to the speaker and they told me,


“That was very bold of you to say.”

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A man with a speech impediment is out and about...

Firstly, he enters a bakery and asks: "Can I buy this bum?", The baker says 'Uh, don't you mean bun?", He replies "Yes I'll have one of those please'

Secondly he goes to a carpentry store and asks: "Have you got a fuck-it?", the carpenter says "Do you mean a bucket?". "Yes I'll have one of t...

just finished editing an article on freedom of speech

can't choose between comic sans and liberation serif

Khrushchev was giving a speech when a heckler in the audience shouted "Why did you never speak out against Stalin?"

Straight away Khrushchev bellowed "WHO SAID THAT?" and there was a rattle of safeties being taken off by his bodyguards. Nobody spoke. Khrushchev bellowed even louder "**WHO. SAID. THAT?!**". He gave a signal, one gesture of his hand. More armed men filed into the hall and stared intently down e...

A customer of mine asked how much I’m charging to say this.

I said “Nothing. I believe in free speech.”

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An Italian, an Irishman, and a Polack are in line for a job interview.

The Italian is up first. He walks into the boss’s office and notices the boss is completely ear-less.

The boss says to him “Mr. Marino, I don’t have a lot of time so I’ll get to the point. I like people who are observant and can speak their mind. Say one thing about me!”

The Italian sa...

A WW2 vet is giving a speech at an all girl school.

He begins talking about some of the airfights he was a part of. " I was flying northbound, when a f**ker came up on my left, and another two f**kers came up on my right." The headmistress, shocked, quicky explained: "Ladies, the fokker was a german airplane." The vet replies: " Yes, but these f**ker...

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A man with a speech impediment is walking along the road

He goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk "do you have a bum and fuck it?" the clerk replies "No,but we have a bucket!" so the man buys it. Later on he heads into a pet store and he asks the clerk "do you have a cock and spank it?" the clerk replies " No, but we have a cocker spaniel!" The ma...

Divers

How do divers communicate? They use speech bubbles

My mom told me this one

A farmer is worried sick about his horse Reginald who is basically on his death bed. He calls a vet to check up on him but the vet looks hopeless and says, "I'll be honest with you man, he's pretty much in his final stages. I do know this experimental three day treatment, but its not known to work. ...

A flat earther snuck into a physics seminar

While the speaker was giving speech on recent development about gravity, flat earther shouted


" Why do you even think that gravity is real? "



Speaker dropped the mic.

At a state dinner, both the King of the Czech lands and the King of France happened to witness a murder.

The next day, they held a joint conference to describe what they each had seen. As the King of France gave his recollection of the details of the murder, the audience gasped and clutched their handkerchiefs and at the end swooned in amazement. But when the King of the Czech lands gave his eyewitness...

They gave me the ‘most illiterate kid in school’ award

I was so upset that I couldn’t even read my speech

Bad Jokes

Q. How did the man feel when he fixed the broken plug socket.

A. Shocked.

Q. How much did the rich man lift in the powerlifting competition.

A. A pound.

Q. How did the jewellers speech go.

A. It was crystal clear.

Q. How did the plumber feel when gave blood....

During my wedding speech, I told everyone who is married to stand next to the one person that has made their life worth living.

The bartender was almost trampled to death.

What did the person with a speech impediment say to the person who is deaf.

Read my lisp

A couple years ago, I was scheduled to be the keynote speaker at a dyslexia convention in Los Angeles.

As I prepared for my speech, I wrote some notes and jokes on an index card. Most of the jokes came from r/Jokes.

Unfortunately, I was in a car accident the day before the convention, and I ended up in the Emergency Room. They took such good care of me that I was ready to give my speech the ne...

I was a failing engineering student. Today I finished creating a robot with speech capabilities.

Between you and me, that's saying something.

So apparently Kanye West is running for president

My question is, will he let the other candidates finish their speeches?

I had to present a speech about STDs today.

Unfortunately, to get my point across I had to give everyone visual aids.

A man DIES

He died tragically and unexpectedly in a botched robbery. Devastated, his wife Cindy mourned four several months, leaving the house only to pick up groceries that her doting mother leaves on her doorstep.

The only comfort to her grief was his cat, who is similarly distraught. After several mo...

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What do you call a person who proof read Hitler's speeches?

A grammar Nazi

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Three men enter a bar in the USSR. One says, "Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?" The other one says, "Because he was afraid of capitalism."

The whole bar died laughing

Free Speech - West vs East

A Russian diplomat and an American diplomat are discussing the differences between their two systems.

The American tries to make it easy for the Russian to understand the concept of free speech.

"Anytime I want", says the Yank, "I can walk right up to the top of the steps at Capital Hi...

What sits up in a tree and goes "Aaaaaargh"

An owl with a speech impediment

Joseph Stalin is giving a speech to his army.

When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?..."

All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them s...

Cold War Era Joke: The chairman of the Communist party decides to go check how his fellow comrades are doing. He walks into a dreadful cinema and sits down. Before the movie starts, there is 15 minutes of communist propaganda, with him giving a boring speech at the end. Everyone stands up and

Starts clapping and cheering enthusiastically.

The chairman is so humbled and stays seated, soaking in the love.

A few minutes into the cheering the guy on his left bends over and whispers directly in his ear.

"Comrade, I know how you feel, but if don't want to be sent to Siberi...

My speech impediment didn't stop my dad from listening to me when I asked for Minecraft for my birthday.

So why did he give me a book about something called "fascism?"

Why couldn't lil Sebastian make a speech at the harvest festival?

He was a little horse.

Stalin is giving a speech in front of a large audience.

Suddenly, he's interrupted by a loud sneeze. Stalin stops talking and asks in an ominous tone: "Who just sneezed?" The audience is silent.

"Very well," says Stalin. "We'll do it my way, and believe me, I *will* identify the sneezer." The audience dares not speak.

"Very well," says Sta...

A joke my dad used to tell us when we were young (translated)

A guy goes to visit an old friend in Rome that he went to school with called Henderson. They go for a walk in the city and every few feet they get stopped by people calling " oh Hey Henderson, nice to see you!" and Henderson replies "oh hello, nice to see you too". After a while the guy is getting ...

A cowboy rides his horse into a small town

A cowboy rides his horse into a small town. His throat is parched, so he ties his horse to a pole next to a bar and goes in for a drink. He comes out a few minutes later, and someone already stole his horse.

The people of the town are looking to see his reaction, they aren’t even discreet a...

Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy

What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.

What did the ambitious baker with a speech impediment say to his young apprentice?

Nothing whisked, nothing gained.

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A girl with a nasal voice walks into a speech therapist's office to get herself "cured."

After going through the therapy, she starts getting hit on by guys who earlier bullied her. She starts having positive thoughts and dreams again. One day she dreams of having sex with her hot Biology teacher. The next day she stays in for office hours and ends up fucking him.

She starts getti...

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It’s getting crowded in heaven, so one day Saint Peter decides to only accept people who make him laugh...

A man came walking up to the Pearly Gates, and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died.”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said, “Oh man, it was awful! I was absolutely sure my wife was ha...

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What did the sick pony say before giving a speech?

Sorry, I'm a little hoarse.

Melania Trump's Speech

Sorry guys this one's a repost

Why was google translate banned in North-Korea?

The speech option was free

What did the speech impaired man say after doing to many drugs?

I’m all Meth’d up...

Everything in the world is easier said than done

Unless you have a speech impediment.

The President of the United States delivered a speech in Algeria recently...

"I would first like to apologise to the fine people of Algeria that I can not address them in their own language. Unfortunately, I was never that good at algebra."

The guest of honor at an awards dinner is about to give his speech when a stagehand gives him a piece of paper from his wife in the crowd.

“What does it say?” the stagehand asks.



“Oh, it just says KISS in very big letters.”



“Wow, that’s very sweet,” the stagehand replies. “She must love you and be very proud of you.”



“Not really,” the man says. “It stands for Keep It Short, Stupid.”

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press.

Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.

Political speeches

Once, a politician, 3 doctors and 3 engineers decided to climb Mt.Everest.

They arrive there and start climbing. Halfway into the climbing, the rope starts to break. The engineers, with their quick physics skills tell everyone "One of us has to jump or else we all die!". Nobody wanted to jum...

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I have to tell my girlfriend that I don't like the fetish she's into...

But first I need to get some shit off my chest.

A successful, but pompous surgeon rose to make an after-dinner speech. "We doctors have many enemies in this world."

As he paused the woman on his left said in a whisper, "Oh, but far more in the next!"

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A young boy has a speech impediment

And decides to go to the grocery store to buy some gum. He walks in, and says "Hello, I would like to buy some bum please." The grocer asks him to repeat what he is looking for. The boy does, and the grocer realises that the boy is looking for gum, and send him down the correct aisle.

The boy...

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.
The groom approaches the him ...

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Mr. President and Jared Kushner visit Putin

Mr. President and Jared are visiting Putin for some campaign strategy. They have a nice chat over coffee, but both Trump and Jared have hard time concentrating as they are mesmerized by their host's beautiful sterling spoons. Jared manages to slip one of the spoons into his pocket, which makes Trump...

The president of the United States steps out of his limo to give a speech when a would be assassin leaps from the crowd pointing a gun

The president’s body guard shouts “Mickey Mouse” at the top of his voice. The assassin seems startled by this and it gives the rest of the security team time to jump on the assassin and disarm him. The president congratulates his body guard and asks if “Mickey Mouse” is a secret service code word or...

Why was Theresa May crying at the end of her speech?

Because now she knows she’s gotta sign up to universal credits.

Many Valedictorians will begin their speech by telling what success means to them.

And why not? It’s a defining moment.

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One of my grandfather's favorite jokes; namely because after he told it to me I told it in front of my speech class in high school and he found that to be the funniest thing he ever heard.

One day a good ole country boy went to work in a general store. Things are fine, but after awhile the owner gets called out on an emergency.

The owner tells the good ole boy, "Whenever someone comes in you get them what they want."

So the owner leaves and a man comes in and tells the ...

What did Melania Trump say to her speech writer?

Thanks, Obama.

A boy had a speech impediment and is unable to articulate anything more than the letters of the alphabet.

He opens his wallet, only to sadly exclaim:

O I C U R M T

In a speech two days ago, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she plans to delay Brexit, in the hopes that the UK leaves with her deal on 22 May

May wants to leave at the end of May.

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry...

...to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him, he complained, "I forgot my teeth, what am I going to do now!?"
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocke...

I coded a program to detect Al Gore’s speech by his cadences.

I used an algorithm.

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A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

Vladimir Putin was practicing a eulogy speech for an assassinated Russian politician in front of a mirror...

(ahem) "He was a dear patriot and credit to the Motherland, whom I personally adored as a friend and colleague. I vow, as leader of Russia, to find the culprits responsible for this vicious murder..."

Putin then stopped and turned to his aide. "Are you sure this strikes the right tone, Yuri...

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My cousin has a speech impediment...

Even though he is in his mid twenties and has had speech therapy he still gets his R’s and W’s mixed up some what frequently.

Yesterday we were at my best friend’s house so I could introduce them, since they both have been great people in my life. About an hour into our hang out session my ...

A university has been accused of not having enough people of colour on their competitive speech recital team.

To tackle the problem they took a bunch of students and covered them in body paint.

They now claim they have achieved their dye varsity quoters.

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A woman from the Women's Institutes goes to her Doctor...

A woman from the Women's Institute goes to her Doctor with an embarrasing problem, every time she delivers a speech to the women of the WI she farts constantly all the way through.

The Doctor says, "I would like you to demonstrate your problem for me by reading aloud your latest speech to me ...

What's the difference between a frog giving a speech and the worst thing Netflix has ever done?

One is Ribbit Ribbit the other is Reboot Reboot.

Twitter has banned "foreign spy" as hate speech.

The acceptable term is "undocumented knowledge worker."

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf and Dumb Society.

All are intent on making an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first, and to the surprise of his colleagues, starts by rubbing first his chest, and then his groin. When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

“Well,” he explained, “by rubbing my chest ...

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in ...

A priest is giving a speech during a sermon

The priest says: if you want to go to heaven then stand up.

Naturally everybody stood up

The priest then continues: of course you would all stand up, it is natural for you to want to go to heaven, but you do not know how to get there. You may now be seated

Everyone sits down and...

An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college...

The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise.

A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion co...

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