What is the difference between a Joe Biden speech and a Donald Trump speech?

When Biden is speaking you wonder if he's had a stroke.

When Trump is speaking you wonder if you've had a stroke.

One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could giv...

What is the worst way to start a speech at a funeral?

"So, first of all... My bad."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

In China we guarantee our citizens the freedom of speech

But we do not guarantee their personal safety after their speech.

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate my speech problems

I told a girl that she was "Boobiful"

Did you hear about the Mormon cat with a speech impediment?

He had nine wives.

My friend with a speech impediment thought that Chewbacca was an Ewok.

Such a Wookie mistake.

Speech is like girls Skirt.

If it is too long, people don't take interest in it, if it's short, it will fail to cover the subject.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know, I never understood why Obama had to give his speeches behind bulletproof glass.

I mean, I know he's black and all, but I highly doubt he's going to shoot anyone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I'm on a plane and the Captain starts his annoying little speech:

He goes, "This is your captain speaking, and we will be cruising at an altitude of 35,000 feet, (Bla, Bla, Bla)"

After the announcement, he forgets to turn off the intercom, and goes to his copilot, "Man, I could really use a blowjob and a cup of coffee."

As the entire plane hears it...

Joseph Stalin was giving a speech in front of his comrades

And then one person in the audience sneezes. "WHO SNEEZED?!" Stalin yelled. No one answered. So he gave an order for the whole first row to be shot."WHO SNEEZED?!" Again, no one answered, so the second row was ordered to be shot. Then the third row, the fourth row, and the fifth row were all shot, u...

For the 1 year anniversary of the priest Jhon at a church many people came hearing the mayor speech.

The mayor was late so the priest Jhon started talking:

-You know first my expectations for this city was really low the first man who confesses to me was an horrible human being. He cheats on his wife multiple time with different women, he lies to everyone and admits being corrupted in his jo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shoutout to Hitler’s speech proofreader

The original Grammar Nazi

What is the worst thing to need as a scientist with a speech impediment?

a physicist's assistance

Just finished a great book about a transvestite who has a speech impediment.

The title is "Man or Myth."

A man DIES

He died tragically and unexpectedly in a botched robbery. Devastated, his wife Cindy mourned four several months, leaving the house only to pick up groceries that her doting mother leaves on her doorstep.

The only comfort to her grief was his cat, who is similarly distraught. After several mo...

How do I know China has Free Speech?

No one says otherwise.

I was attending a ceremony at a graphite convention, with multiple speakers. To my surprise, I was invited to give a speech of my own.

I took the microphone from one of the speakers. Oozing confidence, I shouted, “8B.”



The crowd erupted in applause. I handed the microphone back to the speaker and they told me,


“That was very bold of you to say.”

What’s the difference between someone who doesn’t understand figures of speech, and a burglar?

The first takes things literally. The other takes things, literally

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a speech impediment is walking along the road

He goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk "do you have a bum and fuck it?" the clerk replies "No,but we have a bucket!" so the man buys it. Later on he heads into a pet store and he asks the clerk "do you have a cock and spank it?" the clerk replies " No, but we have a cocker spaniel!" The ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a speech impediment is out and about...

Firstly, he enters a bakery and asks: "Can I buy this bum?", The baker says 'Uh, don't you mean bun?", He replies "Yes I'll have one of those please'

Secondly he goes to a carpentry store and asks: "Have you got a fuck-it?", the carpenter says "Do you mean a bucket?". "Yes I'll have one of t...

just finished editing an article on freedom of speech

can't choose between comic sans and liberation serif

One day, Albert Einstein was about to give a speech at a university.

"I hate these damn speeches," Albert says to his driver, who shares some similarities with him.

"Well, as your driver, I have to go to all of them. I don't know the science, but I can do the speech for you."

"Great idea!" Says Einstein."Let's switch places!" So, Albert and his driver s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sick from this shit

My boy is a plumber and I called him to help me with my clogged toilet and he told me to "suck it up" so I tried it and I threw up everywhere and there was like no change to the condition of my toilet at all, like what the fuck is a "figure of speech"??

Why was google translate banned in North-Korea?

The speech option was free

Two young, slightly speech-impaired brothers decide to join a class that will teach them fencing.

After a good while in the class, these brothers were exceptional when it came to their offense. However, they noticed their instructor avoided all non-combative techniques.

One of the brothers, Phineas, decided he would confront the instructor on this issue. However, due to the previously men...

Everyone says that China doesn't have any freedom of speech. That's obviously untrue.

In the United States, you can go up to the White House and shout "Down with America!", and you won't be punished for it.

Similarly, in China, you can go up to the Communist Party Headquarters and shout "Down with America!", and you won't be punished for it.

\----------

Wanted to...

A WW2 vet is giving a speech at an all girl school.

He begins talking about some of the airfights he was a part of. " I was flying northbound, when a f**ker came up on my left, and another two f**kers came up on my right." The headmistress, shocked, quicky explained: "Ladies, the fokker was a german airplane." The vet replies: " Yes, but these f**ker...

What did the person with a speech impediment say to the person who is deaf.

Read my lisp

Khrushchev was giving a speech when a heckler in the audience shouted "Why did you never speak out against Stalin?"

Straight away Khrushchev bellowed "WHO SAID THAT?" and there was a rattle of safeties being taken off by his bodyguards. Nobody spoke. Khrushchev bellowed even louder "**WHO. SAID. THAT?!**". He gave a signal, one gesture of his hand. More armed men filed into the hall and stared intently down e...

I was a failing engineering student. Today I finished creating a robot with speech capabilities.

Between you and me, that's saying something.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men enter a bar in the USSR. One says, "Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?" The other one says, "Because he was afraid of capitalism."

The whole bar died laughing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a person who proof read Hitler's speeches?

A grammar Nazi

During my wedding speech, I told everyone who is married to stand next to the one person that has made their life worth living.

The bartender was almost trampled to death.

Mr. President and Jared Kushner visit Putin

Mr. President and Jared are visiting Putin for some campaign strategy. They have a nice chat over coffee, but both Trump and Jared have hard time concentrating as they are mesmerized by their host's beautiful sterling spoons. Jared manages to slip one of the spoons into his pocket, which makes Trump...

A cowboy rides his horse into a small town

A cowboy rides his horse into a small town. His throat is parched, so he ties his horse to a pole next to a bar and goes in for a drink. He comes out a few minutes later, and someone already stole his horse.

The people of the town are looking to see his reaction, they aren’t even discreet a...

Why couldn't lil Sebastian make a speech at the harvest festival?

He was a little horse.

Everything in the world is easier said than done

Unless you have a speech impediment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend was looking at a picture of Stalin, FDR, and Churchill when...

A news video of Putin, Johnson, and Trump appeaered on television.

"Things have really changed a lot in the last 75 years, haven't they?"

"Nah, some things never change."

"Oh yeah, like what?"

"One holds a parade in Moscow to celebrate his triumph over Nazi Germa...

Free Speech - West vs East

A Russian diplomat and an American diplomat are discussing the differences between their two systems.

The American tries to make it easy for the Russian to understand the concept of free speech.

"Anytime I want", says the Yank, "I can walk right up to the top of the steps at Capital Hi...

Cold War Era Joke: The chairman of the Communist party decides to go check how his fellow comrades are doing. He walks into a dreadful cinema and sits down. Before the movie starts, there is 15 minutes of communist propaganda, with him giving a boring speech at the end. Everyone stands up and

Starts clapping and cheering enthusiastically.

The chairman is so humbled and stays seated, soaking in the love.

A few minutes into the cheering the guy on his left bends over and whispers directly in his ear.

"Comrade, I know how you feel, but if don't want to be sent to Siberi...

My speech impediment didn't stop my dad from listening to me when I asked for Minecraft for my birthday.

So why did he give me a book about something called "fascism?"

There were eleven people hanging onto a rope which was hanging from a from an aeroplane.

There were eleven people hanging onto a rope which was hanging from a from an aeroplane. Ten were Blondes, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, then the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go, so fi...

Joseph Stalin is giving a speech to his army.

When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?..."

All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them s...

What did the ambitious baker with a speech impediment say to his young apprentice?

Nothing whisked, nothing gained.

I had to present a speech about STDs today.

Unfortunately, to get my point across I had to give everyone visual aids.

At the 1980 Olympics, Brezhnev begins his speech.

"O!"—applause.

"O!"—more applause.

"O!"—yet more applause.

"O!"—an ovation.

"O!!!"—the whole audience stands up and applauds.

An aide comes running to the podium and whispers, "Leonid Ilyich, those are the olympic rings, you don't need to read it!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the sick pony say before giving a speech?

Sorry, I'm a little hoarse.

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry...

...to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him, he complained, "I forgot my teeth, what am I going to do now!?"
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocke...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl with a nasal voice walks into a speech therapist's office to get herself "cured."

After going through the therapy, she starts getting hit on by guys who earlier bullied her. She starts having positive thoughts and dreams again. One day she dreams of having sex with her hot Biology teacher. The next day she stays in for office hours and ends up fucking him.

She starts getti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman from the Women's Institutes goes to her Doctor...

A woman from the Women's Institute goes to her Doctor with an embarrasing problem, every time she delivers a speech to the women of the WI she farts constantly all the way through.

The Doctor says, "I would like you to demonstrate your problem for me by reading aloud your latest speech to me ...

The Stasi tells Honecker there's a West German spy in his Central Committee.

So Honecker takes his favourite Stasi man along to the next meeting. The concierge (an old red) sees Honecker and the Stasi agent go in and, just one minute later, the Stasi man exiting , with a Central Committee member hand-cuffed to him.

"Comrade, I'm so impressed with your speed and effici...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife was...

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

“I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in ...

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy

What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.

Stalin is giving a speech in front of a large audience.

Suddenly, he's interrupted by a loud sneeze. Stalin stops talking and asks in an ominous tone: "Who just sneezed?" The audience is silent.

"Very well," says Stalin. "We'll do it my way, and believe me, I *will* identify the sneezer." The audience dares not speak.

"Very well," says Sta...

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.
The groom approaches the him ...

Political speeches

Once, a politician, 3 doctors and 3 engineers decided to climb Mt.Everest.

They arrive there and start climbing. Halfway into the climbing, the rope starts to break. The engineers, with their quick physics skills tell everyone "One of us has to jump or else we all die!". Nobody wanted to jum...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have to tell my girlfriend that I don't like the fetish she's into...

But first I need to get some shit off my chest.

The President of the United States delivered a speech in Algeria recently...

"I would first like to apologise to the fine people of Algeria that I can not address them in their own language. Unfortunately, I was never that good at algebra."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy has a speech impediment

And decides to go to the grocery store to buy some gum. He walks in, and says "Hello, I would like to buy some bum please." The grocer asks him to repeat what he is looking for. The boy does, and the grocer realises that the boy is looking for gum, and send him down the correct aisle.

The boy...

The Soviet Union, 1927

A village is celebrating the anniversary of the revolution. The mayor gives s speech.

"We have accompliced so much during the last ten years! Look at Mikhail Pavlovich, before the revolution he was starving and illiterate. Today he is the best tractor driver in the village!"

People che...

I was at a job interview and the interviewer asked me about punctuality

I went on about how it was good to speak clearly and politely, and it was nice to use proper grammar in speech and writing.

Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press.

Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.

Melania Trump's Speech

Sorry guys this one's a repost

An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college...

The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise.

A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion co...

What did the speech impaired man say after doing to many drugs?

I’m all Meth’d up...

Why was Theresa May crying at the end of her speech?

Because now she knows she’s gotta sign up to universal credits.

A man sneezed during Joseph Stalin's speech

The audience, after first cheering their heads off at his arrival, sat hushed and silent, not wanting to make a sound to disturb the speech of their great leader. But then, someone in the audience let out a loud sneeze. Stalin stopped and looked around for the scoundrel that just disrupted his speec...

Many Valedictorians will begin their speech by telling what success means to them.

And why not? It’s a defining moment.

The president of the United States steps out of his limo to give a speech when a would be assassin leaps from the crowd pointing a gun

The president’s body guard shouts “Mickey Mouse” at the top of his voice. The assassin seems startled by this and it gives the rest of the security team time to jump on the assassin and disarm him. The president congratulates his body guard and asks if “Mickey Mouse” is a secret service code word or...

The guest of honor at an awards dinner is about to give his speech when a stagehand gives him a piece of paper from his wife in the crowd.

“What does it say?” the stagehand asks.



“Oh, it just says KISS in very big letters.”



“Wow, that’s very sweet,” the stagehand replies. “She must love you and be very proud of you.”



“Not really,” the man says. “It stands for Keep It Short, Stupid.”

A boy had a speech impediment and is unable to articulate anything more than the letters of the alphabet.

He opens his wallet, only to sadly exclaim:

O I C U R M T

In a speech two days ago, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she plans to delay Brexit, in the hopes that the UK leaves with her deal on 22 May

May wants to leave at the end of May.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin has a speech impediment...

Even though he is in his mid twenties and has had speech therapy he still gets his R’s and W’s mixed up some what frequently.

Yesterday we were at my best friend’s house so I could introduce them, since they both have been great people in my life. About an hour into our hang out session my ...

I coded a program to detect Al Gore’s speech by his cadences.

I used an algorithm.

There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.

They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.

No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were use...

A university has been accused of not having enough people of colour on their competitive speech recital team.

To tackle the problem they took a bunch of students and covered them in body paint.

They now claim they have achieved their dye varsity quoters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One of my grandfather's favorite jokes; namely because after he told it to me I told it in front of my speech class in high school and he found that to be the funniest thing he ever heard.

One day a good ole country boy went to work in a general store. Things are fine, but after awhile the owner gets called out on an emergency.

The owner tells the good ole boy, "Whenever someone comes in you get them what they want."

So the owner leaves and a man comes in and tells the ...

What did Melania Trump say to her speech writer?

Thanks, Obama.

A priest is giving a speech during a sermon

The priest says: if you want to go to heaven then stand up.

Naturally everybody stood up

The priest then continues: of course you would all stand up, it is natural for you to want to go to heaven, but you do not know how to get there. You may now be seated

Everyone sits down and...

What's the difference between a frog giving a speech and the worst thing Netflix has ever done?

One is Ribbit Ribbit the other is Reboot Reboot.

Only Wednesday

One day the president holds a speech to a huge group of people:
“From now on everybody is only going to work on Wednesdays”.
Hearing the news, everyone starts cheering with joy and happiness. After a few minutes, one guy from the crowd asks:
“Every Wednesday?”

The Night the Eiffel Tower’s Lights Went Out

One fateful night, the lights on the Eiffel Tower went out. It was, of course, a national tragedy for all of France and quite a problem, not the least of which being the fact that airplanes could very easily fly right into the thing.

The French government called every last engineer or electr...

One of my friends is writing a book about the speech patterns of prison and the criminals inside

In other words, the prose and cons of jail

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf and Dumb Society.

All are intent on making an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first, and to the surprise of his colleagues, starts by rubbing first his chest, and then his groin. When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

“Well,” he explained, “by rubbing my chest ...

I was asked to give a motivational speech

But I just don't feel like it.

Twitter has banned "foreign spy" as hate speech.

The acceptable term is "undocumented knowledge worker."

A trucker died in Ireland. A local snack entrepreneur gave a touching speech at the funeral.

“He was driving me nuts alright until the bloody car crash.”

The Prime Minister's speech writer has resigned.

He's speechless.

A Nobel prize winner goes around the country giving a speech at every city.

He always practices in his car while traveling from one city to the next. After multiple days of this, the chauffeur says: "I have heard this speech so many times that I could recite it word by word by now." The Nobel prize winner says that he can do the next presentation as he is so sure. The chauf...

A young Soviet boy asked his father, “Is it true that freedom of speech is the same here as it is in the United States?”

His father said, “In principle, yes. I could stand on the White House lawn and yell, ‘Down with Reagan!’ and not be punished. Similarly, I could stand in the Red Square and yell, without punishment, ‘Down with Reagan!’”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Too much cock..

A man goes to a doctor claiming his speech impediment is effecting his life, no one will hire him, no females will talk to him, no one wants to be his friend because of the way he talks and something needs to be done. The doctor curiously looks into the situation.
“Turns out your penis is to...

Vladimir Putin was practicing a eulogy speech for an assassinated Russian politician in front of a mirror...

(ahem) "He was a dear patriot and credit to the Motherland, whom I personally adored as a friend and colleague. I vow, as leader of Russia, to find the culprits responsible for this vicious murder..."

Putin then stopped and turned to his aide. "Are you sure this strikes the right tone, Yuri...

A three legged chicken. (Said in a Ronald Reagan speech.)

A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken running down the road. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.

Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So h...

I am so unwitty. My teacher asked me why i didn't turnover my Speech assignment

I didn't know what to say.

Did you hear about the escaped convict with the speech impediment?

He was never good at finishing his sentences.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Taking a poop and practicing a speech for class tomorrow.

Even my ass is jealous of the amount of crap that's coming out of my mouth.

Someone sneezes during Stalin's speech.

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.
"Who sneezed?"
Silence.
"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?"
No answer.
"Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too.
"Well, who s...

I was the Best man at my friend's second wedding

"Welcome back everyone!" was not a good opening to the speech I guess

What do you call maple syrup with a speech impediment?

Mrs. Stuttersworth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Speech impediment

A guy with a speech impediment is walking down the street. He comes across a bakery and decides to go inside. He goes to the counter and says "Can I have a butt?" The woman says "A what?" A butt the man says again. "Ohh you mean a bun? The guy says ya ya just give me the butt and he walks out of the...

Why is Reddit the best place for freedom of speech?

[removed]

Donald Trump had a great inauguration speech

It sounds like he Putin a lot of practice

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.