UPJOKE
soundsingertonespeechvocalizesingingspokespersonchorusmusicsongcommunicationlarynxvocaltenormelody

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A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. The voice back replies "It's the blind man, can I come in?" The Nun thinks for a moment and says "yes that's fine". The door opens and the man says.

Nice tits, where you want me to hang the blinds?

A guy walks into a bar, and orders a round. He hears a small voice say..

"You look nice today."

A few minutes later, it's that voice again, "That's a nice shirt."

The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?"

Says the bartender, "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesus is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside.

The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesus is watching me?" The parrot replied, "Yes."

Relieved, the burglar asked, "What's your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot answered,...

Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice, "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said, "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice, “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S WAY TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the lib...

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A man hears a voice inside his head that tells him " quit your job, sell your car, empty your bank account, go to a casino and put everything on number 7."

The man ignores the voice, and go back to his normal life. After 7 days he hears the same voice telling him " quit your job, sell your car, empty your bank account, go to a casino and put everything on number 7." he ignores it again and 7 days later he hears the same voice saying the same thing....

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With a seductive voice... With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile,
unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smil...

Fact: No dog owner talks to their pet in a normal voice.

No they don't, oh no they don't...

It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland. As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill;

It is 1939 and a Soviet army is marching on Finland. As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill;
"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"
The Soviet general laughs, as he sends 10 men on the hill to capture it.
There is gunfire for a minute and then...

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

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A Russian communist is lying on his deathbed

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Commu...

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Befor...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

I bought a Johnny Cash voice for my GPS...

...I thought it'd be a good deal because it's been everywhere, man, but it just keeps telling me to walk the line.

On the other hand, I also got a Blink-182 voice pack, and it's great. As soon as I switch it on, it turns the lights off and carries me home.

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I recently got headphones to help me drown out the voices of other people.

It helps me concentrate when I'm trying to masturbate.

I mean, it's just so noisy on the bus.

People yell at me all the time, with stuff like "You have to be more responsible, you're the bus driver!"

Like c'mon Karen, really? You just sit at home all day, while I get your kids o...

A man is out ice fishing when he hears a voice say "You can't fish here!."

He looks around and doesn't see anybody, so he goes back to his fishing.

Again, out of nowhere the voice returns, more urgent this time, "You can't fish here!"

He again looks around and says, "God?"

"No, I'm the rink attendant. You can't fish here!"

You know why I like girls with raspy voices?

I assume they are all done yelling for the day.

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NSFW My Favorite Gilbert Gottfried joke

NSFW

A man goes to see his wife in the hospital. She has been getting sicker and sicker and is clearly in the final days of her life. He goes to her and holds her hand and stares into his wife's eyes and asks her if there is anything at all he can do for her. His wife can barely speak and he...

There is only one thing that beats a beautiful girl with amazing voice

And that's Chris Brown

A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"


The lawyer thought about it for a minut...

Extra seats

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theater. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?”

The man groans, but remains seated. The usher becoming impatient with the man, ...

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Three burglars who used to work as voice actors break into a house

They get down to the basement with their big gunnysacks in hopes of looting valuables when they hear someone walking down the stairs. One of them says "Quickly! Hide in the bags." They hide in their own bags and the owner comes down to see three suspicious looking bags that he had never seen before ...

I find it really weird that we have a voice in our heads...

like the one you used to read this.

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A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass.

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one women, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor women replied. "We have to eat gras...

Sin

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!...

If anyone ever tells you they've lost their voice....

They're lying.

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live it...

There are some Russian soldiers marching

They hear a voice shout from over a hill,

“I bet one Ukrainian can beat ten Russians!”

The Russian sergeant, thinking that it would be easy, sent ten men over the hill to fight. They heard a fighting and noise. No Russian soldiers came back. After a minute they heard the voice again,...

A big, burly man visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam,” he said in a broken voice "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pay...

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Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"


"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Rig...

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A new German coast guard officer was appointed during WWII

(This is an oldie that was an ad once upon a time.)

So, as he starts his new shift after a few brief instructions from his superior, he sits down when suddenly, over the radio, in a British accent, he hears

'Mayday! Mayday!'

'Mayday!'

'We're sinking!'

The German o...

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.<...

In an apartment complex, a beautiful woman and three men live

One day, the woman is taking a shower, when one of the men knocks on her door. She recognizes his voice as that of the football player, so she puts on a towel and sees what he wants.

Football player: great news! My team won the game!

Woman: that’s very exciting! Congratulations!
...

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he c...

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

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Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel." A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger an...

Lottery

Guy is sitting alone in his house watching tv and envious of the latest person who just won the lottery.

" God, I wish I could win the lottery"

Another few weeks goes by and again someone else wins the lottery.

"God, I wish I could win the lottery"

Another month goes by a...

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Two fishermen, George and Ted, were leaving the docks one morning when they saw a gorgeous naked woman sitting on a rock. The woman was singing in a lovely soprano voice and doing nothing to cover her perfect breasts.

Figuring the woman was a mermaid, they rowed their boat over to her.

"You have such a gorgeous voice," said George. "Are you a mermaid?"

"Yes," replied the mermaid. "Whenever a mermaid sees a human she likes, she usually grants him three wishes. But since there are three of us, I think...

A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel.

When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now.

The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide they should...

A priest and a nun…

A priest and a nun were out playing golf one day. They get to about hole 5 when the priest has a 10 ft putt for par. He lines up his putt but misses and yells out “Damnit! I missed!” The nun looks flabbergasted and says “Father, you know you shouldn’t be using foul language like that!” The priest sa...

A man giving a long-winded speech finally says,….

"I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the crowd says, "There's a calendar behind you."

A Russian Battalion is Sent to Fight a Finnish Sniper

A Soviet army is marching through a Finnish forest when a general hears a voice from over a hill shout: "one Finnish soldier is better than 10 Soviet soldiers!"

The general promptly send 10 soldiers to root out the voice, there is gunfire, and then silence.

After a few minutes, the voi...

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The joke store

A guy gets a job at a practical joke store.

To help him learn the ropes, the proprietor has him spend the first week just sorting through all the different practical jokes they sell, learning what they do and making sure everything's correctly labelled and organised. And what a variety! They'...

Golf

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album's gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it's pretty good. By the way, how's the golf?"

Nicklaus replies, "No...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

Captain America loses his voice...

Captain America loses his voice due to a scheme concocted by Doctor Doom.

He tries everything. Dr Strange can't help because he doesn't detect any magic causing the problem. Reed Richards can't help, because the problem isn't explainable with science. After a barrage of failed attempts, even ...

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A guy drank too much on a party and passed out...

He finds himself in front of the heaven's door. He's asking, "What's happening?". And a voice from above is saying "Don't you see? You drank too much. You drank so much that you're dead now! But you won't be passed into the heaven because you were a sinner." The guy replies "I see... I'm ready to be...

Widow at the funeral

Sam died and left $50,000 in his will for an elaborate funeral.
As the last attenders left, Sam's wife, Rose, turned to her oldest friend, Sadie, and said: "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right" replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper...

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Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called...

When Love Fades......

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, a\*\*hole. I was talking to the c...

The Voice

A guy decides to go ice fishing. He goes out on the ice and begins cutting a hole to drop his line through. Suddenly a loud, booming voice speaks from far above: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."⁠

Somewhat spooked, he moves to another spot and tries again. Once again, the deep voice from ...

Jesus is watching you

A burglar breaks into a house one night. As he sneaks around the living room looking for things to steal, he hears a voice. "Jesus is watching you." The burglar stops for a second, then tells himself it was only his imagination. He starts putting items in his bag, then he hears the voice again. "Jes...

A blonde walks into a store to buy a new Television

She looks around for a while and finds the perfect TV for herself

She approaches the salesman and says "I would like to buy this TV." The salesman says "sorry, we cannot sell you this in good faith, I don't think you know what you're looking for."

Upset, the blonde storms out and thin...

A couple are starting to develop forgetfulness

An 80-year old couple were having trouble remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor’s office, they explained to the doctor the problems they were having.

After checking the couple out, the doctor told th...

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headaches

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was mi...

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I was trying to convince my therapist that I don't hear voices in my head.

Eventually she pointed out that I don't have a therapist.

A man walks into a confessional.

Father all day I hear a voice telling me what I have to do. Do you think that I am possessed by the devil?

No son, you are married!!

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

Thankful shark

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He’s scared to death, and as he turns...

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I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two stalls. One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my pants and sat down. A voice came from the stall next to me: "Hello there! How are you doing?" I thought t...

Do you think the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying . . .

"If you build it, they will come."

A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and drank it until suddenly he heard a voice.

Voice: *Nice tie.*

The man looked around. Nobody was there except him and the bartender.

Voice: *Really cool shirt, too.*

The man was concerned. He thought he must be losing his mind.

Voice: *I like your hair like that!*

Finally concerned, the man said to the barte...

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Two men go hunting in the woods

After a couple of hours, one of them goes into the bushes to take a leak. The man's buddy hears a scream and runs up to him.

"What happened to you?" the buddy asks.

"A snake bit me in the dick!" he answers, pointing to the snake, kicked to death. "Call 911!"

The buddy picks up h...

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Why foreign students are not welcomed in America.

It was the first day of school in the USA and a new Indian student named Chandra Subramanian entered the 4th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Teacher :- Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except f...

A Woman Goes To Buy (Another) Parrot

A woman goes to buy a parrot. The shopkeeper brings her three parrots to see.

"This parrot is a marvel. It toured with the Royal Shakespeare Company. It can recite any play by Shakespeare on command, doing different voices for each part. It's yours for only $200"

"That's amazing, but I...

It is May 2022 and a Russian army is marching through Finland.

As they pass the border, they hear a Finnish voice over the hill;

"One Finnish tank is better than 10 Russian tanks!"

The Russian general laughs, as he sends 10 T-14 Armata, the most powerful tanks of the Russian military on the hill to capture it. There is the sound of battle for a mi...

A professor said that

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a nega...

...and preparing for the role in this movie I had to gain 50 pounds.

- But aren't you a voice-over actor?
- Little details...

r/conservative is furious that their voices are being censored and that people are picking and choosing who can be heard

"This thread is for conservatives only"

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A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he’s ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he’s surrounded by bloodthirsty savages. And he thinks, “Man, I am totally fucked.”

“No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, “You’re not fucked.”

The voice continues, “Listen to me very carefully. G...

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Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

I met an old friend yesterday

He moved a couple of years back and I could clearly tell he had changed. His voice had changed and he had a cheap deodorant. He used to allways wear those expensive collones. We were talking for a good while, life in general and how we were doing, but the entire conversation I couldn't wrap my head ...

A Gambler Retires

This guy had a serious gambling problem, but thankfully tended win quite often. He amassed a colossal sum of money over many decades of his vice, and decided to retire to somewhere far away. He ran across pictures online of a location that seemed to be perfect for him: a mountainous region in Easter...

A cute little girl walks into a pet store and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees...

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

An Atheist Walking In The Woods Is Chased By A Bear

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He...

My daughter has the most beautiful falsetto voice, just like her grandma did.

Now all what grandma's got is a falsetto teeth.

The little scamp

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialed the employee's cell phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" the boss asked.
"Yes," whispe...

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'
And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: '...

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A gunman stops a driver driving through a scary countryside road and says "Step out of the car and take your dick out..."

Driver: *freezes at this unexpected turn of events*

Gunman: *In a louder voice* "Do it"

Driver: "Please don't shoot. I'll do whatever you ask"

Driver proceeds to step out of the car and take his pants off.

Gunman: "Now start masturbating or I'll put a bullet in your head"...

Elon Musk, The smartest man in the world

was on a plane along with a hippie and a priest. Suddenly, the pilot comes running back with a distressed look. "The plane is going to crash, I've done all I can. There are three parachutes and since I am the pilot, I am taking one; you three will have to decide who gets the other two." With that th...

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All-Female Crew As the aircraft was taxiing towards the runway to take off, the voice on the speaker welcomed passengers on board and introduced them to the pilot.

"Your captain is Miss Mary Joystick...."

"You mean to tell me this plane is being piloted by a woman?"asked an alarmed passenger to a stewardess."

"Yes, sir," replied the stewardess. "So is the co-pilot, Miss Jane Understudy. So also are the radio operator and the navigator, they are a...

I made a cartoon about a lumberjack...

...but the animation was choppy and the voice acting was wooden.

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An angry passenger pushed his way to the desk

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The ...

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A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

A burglar is searching for valuables in a house whose residents left for the night when he hears a voice behind him

The voice says: "God the mighty sees all".

Shocked the burglar turns around and searches for the cause of this noise. Using his flashlight he finally finds a parrot sitting in a cage grooming his feather.

The burglar is relieved and continues his search for valuables. He opens a night...

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train".

"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting". "No, honey, not with that blond...

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My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."

"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."

"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."

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Guy hears about a prostitute at a local motel, so he goes and knocks on the door ...

A voice answers, asking what he wants.
GUY: "I want to get fucked."
Voice: "Sure, slide $20 under the door."
The guy slides it under, stands and waits. After a few minutes pass and the door still hasn't opened, he knocks again...
Guy: "I said, I'm here to get fucked!"
Vo...

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that t...

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Duke!

Dave goes to visit his friend, the rich Lord Pendergrast, for lunch. Lord Pendergast greets him at the door, along with his trusty hound Duke, and after greetings and a warm embrace, the butler shows them into the banquet hall where they sit down to dine. Duke plops down beside Dave, hoping for some...

Sudden change of heart

An extremely wealthy investor and his wife of 25 years, were having dinner at a five-star restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman came over to their table, gave the husband a big, wet kiss, and in a breathy voice she said, "I'll see you later tonight…" ending with a wink just before turni...

Late

An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due ...

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Skydiving (long)

Once there was a man who decided to fulfil his lifelong dream and go skydiving. So he went to the airport and signed up for a class. Upon arriving for the class, he discovered that the teacher was an elderly Indian gentleman. (East Indian, not Native American)

"Good day, good day everyone and...

A old man thinks his wife is losing her hearing.

He calls the doctor about it and the doctor says he can do a little experiment to determine the severity, "Ask her a question from the next room in a normal tone of voice, and keep asking while coming closer until she can hear you. That way you know the
range of her hearing."

That night, h...

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A biker walks into a bar

A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger - 2.99

Cheeseburger - 3.99

Chicken Sandwich - 4.99

Hand Jobs - 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, ...

A man walked in to a bar after a long day at work. As he began to drink his beer, he heard a voice say seductively "You've got great hair!" The man looked around but couldn't see where the voice was coming from, so he went back to his beer.

A minute later, he heard the same soft voice say "You're a handsome man!" The man looked around, but still couldn't see where the voice was coming from.

When he went back to his beer, the voice said again "What a stud you are!" The man was so baffled by this that he asked the bartender what ...

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A priest was fishing in the old country when he caught a really big fish...

He hauled it up on the bank and this guy walked up and looked at it. He looked over at the priest and said, "Wow, that's a big son of a bitch!" The priest looked over and said, My son, I'm a man of the cloth. You shouldn't talk like that." The guy looks at him and says, "That's what we call those fi...

The Shortcut

The shortest way from a pub towards the neighborhood was through a cemetery. One night, a man that was not that drunk, decides to take the shortcut but ends up falling into a freshly dug grave.

The grave was quite deep for him and the man lifted himself on the toes trying to feel the top edge...

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After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening….

when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the oth...

My wife came home from work and stormed into the bedroom.

She looked at me, sat on the edge of the bed, and sighed deeply.

"I get the impression you aren't being loyal to me," she said.

"Why?" I frowned.

"You've been very quiet recently," she continued, "and you're always hanging around with that woman from work...Rachel?"

"Roch...

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There once was a man with an extremely high-pitched voice

(For retelling, ^(superscript) is high-pitched/falsetto voice)

He had since long passed puberty, but while his friends got deep, manly voices, his remained so high that he ^(spoke like this). Ever since then, it had been a tremendous source of insecurity. Now, he was in his thirties, and he r...

Read This One In Playboy Decades Ago

You older pervs will have heard this one.

So a young couple were out driving late, and got caught in a snowstorm. Wouldn't you know it? The car stalls while they're out in the middle of nowhere, and has to pull over to the side of the road.

The man pops the hood, exits the car & pr...

4 rabbis were golfing...

Four rabbis had a tradition of spending a day each week golfing and discussing theology between holes. Very often they would argue, with three of them taking one side and eventually arguing the fourth one down.

One day, though, the fourth rabbi simply would not budge on his point - he swore h...

One night a humble cobbler and devout Christian was praying when suddenly he heard a voice booming in his head.

"I am the Lord thy God. For offering the one trillionth prayer, I will answer three questions."

The cobbler decided he must think carefully about his questions so that he could do justice to God's message to His creation. After thinking for a bit, he managed to whisper, "Is it true that you m...

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A man goes to the doctor for his yearly check up.

The doctor, with a worried voice says “Sir, you really need to stop
masturbating”

“Why?” The man inquired

The doctor replies “Well for starters, I’m in the middle of your check up”

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An old man is walking down the street when he hears a voice.

"Excuse me sir."

The old man looks around but doesn't see anybody. Perplexed, he continues on his way.

"Sir, down here."

The man stops and looks down, only to see a frog sitting at his feet. He looks around again to make sure nobody is watching before addressing the frog, "did ...

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Golf humor

A man in his mid-twenties entered a confessional, made the sign of the cross, and announced, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been three years since my last confession.” The priest replied, “What is your sin, my child?”
“Well,” the young man began, “I used profane language and I feel ter...

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A man rubbed a lamp and an elegant genie exited from the lamp

The genie said, “You have released me from my bronze prison, you may now ask me three wishes of your liking”

The man, a clever one indeed, said, “I wish for infinite wishes.”

The genie responded with, “I am afraid that is against the rules.”

The man said, “I thought you could do...

A couple were at their wit's end with their two sons...

So they sent for a fire and brimstone preacher who they had heard had success in correcting the behavior of naughty children. He came into their house on a dark, stormy night, dressed in black in a long coat, still dripping with rain. He brought the youngest into a room and shut the door, then turne...

Why are chickens the cheapest voice actors?

They only charge a buck, a buck a buckaw.

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Female flight

A man boards a flight from london to chicago. before they are due to leave, a voice comes over the intercom and says, on behalf of captain natalie, we hope you enjoy the flight!.

Well, the man isn't best impressed, and once in the air he calls the crew over.



he asks, " Is it t...

An atheist and a Christian go golfing.

On his very first shot, The atheist shanks the ball and angrily shouts, “God Damnit, I missed!”

Then the Christian warns the Atheist, “you should be careful with your words.”

“Yeah, yeah…”

So they continue playing, many times though out the day, The atheist would miss a shot and...

My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first timer questions.

One day, a guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have before we hit the ground?

Our instructor looked at him and in a perfect deadpan voice, answered, "The rest of your life."

Always Be A Good Listener & don't be in hurry...

There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion, and the captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds, the commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's that used for?"
...

An old joke I was told by my mother as a kid

In a small town in Italy, there was a church with a priest that was known over the entire country for his strong beliefs in Jesus.

One day a huge flood came into the village. all the people climbed onto the roofs of their houses and waited for boats.

The Priest hid on the roof of the c...

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A very pious priest offers to go hunting with someone from his parish. The guy thinks the priest is a big fusspot, but accepts. [Long]

A few minutes in, the guy(Let's call him John) sees a bear, carefully takes aim, and fires.

He misses the shot, so he yells in frustration, 'Dang it! I missed the bloody bugger!'

The priest, upon hearing this, says, 'Now listen son, that won't do. Rear in your tongue, swearing is a sin...

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just ...

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A man walks into a GP's office with a fork stuck in his cheek.

'Help me, doctor!' he says in a desperate voice.

'I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do for you,' says the doctor while putting on his coat. 'My shift ends at 5 p.m. and it's already five past.'

'But doctor, please, there must be something you can do!', cries the man.

'No, sorry...

George Bush the Younger noticed a man in a long flowing white robe in an airport lobby

The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George bush the Younger approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses." The man ignored him and stared at the ceiling. Bush the younger positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Mos...

A pilot crash lands on an uncharted island

He awakens bound by natives, and is dragged to a clearing in front of the tribe. Next to him is a large tree-stump and an absolutely massive native.

The natives are are cheering and hooting wildly, until the chieftain holds up his hand, bringing instant silence and rapt attention.

He b...

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing, to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Suddenly, she heard a voice saying, "There are no fish in here."

So, she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again, telling her, there are no fish in there. <...

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What would toilet paper say if it had a voice?

I'm not taking this shit from you anymore!

Read this in a pirate voice

Did ye hear what happened to Captain Bluebeard when he fell overboard in the Red Sea?

He got Marooned!

The doctor said I've recovered

I still see strange things sometimes, but now the voices are telling me they're not real.

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Just bought my new car stereo, which is voice activated.

If I shout "country" it plays Dolly Parton, if I shout "rock" it plays Guns and Roses. I was driving through town the other day when some children ran out in front of me, I shouted "FUCKING KIDS!" and it started playing Michael Jackson.

Instead of yelling at my family I used to yell into a colander

All it did was strain my voice

The Lone Ranger is Captured by Outlaws

The Lone Ranger is captured by outlaws. They are definitely planning on killing him, but have so much respect for the lawman that they decide to grant him 3 final requests. Upon hearing this the Lone Ranger says that he will only tell his requests to his noble steed, Silver. The bad guys agree. The ...

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The wheelie bin man

So the rubbish bin man is making his daily rounds and notices that one house has not put the rubbish bin outside.

He rings the bell of the house, and hears, from inside, the sound of a toilet flushing and some hurried steps towards the door.

The door opens and a Japanese gentleman step...

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I Am The Viper! (Long)

A young man inherited a stately manor from his uncle after his untimely passing. The man's uncle was in reasonably good health, but was found dead in his library. His body bore signs of poisoning, but there was no one else with him the night of his death and no poison was found in his system or on t...

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife A Little Girl Picks Up The Phone. "Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?" "I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Steve.""But you don't have an Uncle Steve." "Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, "Okay honey, this is what I want you to do. Go upstairs and knock on the bedroom door. Tell mommy that my car just pulled into the driveway."

3 minutes pass and the little girl gets on the phone again.

"Daddy, I did what you said an...

A couple are on a date in a romantic restaurant...

A couple are on a date in a romantic restaurant. As their order arrives, the wife looks around and notices every table has a couple having a romantic candlelight dinner date.

The man on the table to her right says to his date, "pass me the sugar, my sweet Sugar"

The man on the table t...

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