Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up sinc...

Did you know that when someone likes you, their voice goes higher when talking to you?

That's probably why the girls I talk to sound like batman.

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With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”

“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.

She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt...

It is said when someone has an exceptional singing voice on rare occasions animals can actually be seen jumping for joy. I was skeptical but after today I believe it to be true.

As soon as I started singing my cat woke up and jumped for joy clean off my second story windowsill.

A guy walks into a library, goes up to front desk and in quite a loud voice says,.....

"Could I get a yellow chicken curry, a pad thai and two serves of steamed rice please?"

The librarian is a bit shocked, and in a whispered voice that none the less conveys her displeasure with the gent says, "Sir, you need to be quiet, this is a library, not a restaurant!!"

The guy loo...

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My wife always keeps on talking to me while having sex. But her voice is really sweet.

The only problem is that sometimes she will call me even when I am in the middle of a meeting.

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One day a man hears a voice in his head.

Sell your car, sell your house cash in your investments, go to Vegas put it all on red 20.
Sell your car, sell your house cash in your investments, go to Vegas put it all on red 20.
He tries to ignore it but but every minute of everyday he hears it, Sell your car, sell your house cash in your ...

If you're having voice problems I feel bad for you son

I've got 99 problems but a pitch ain't one

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One day Fred is sitting at his desk when he hears a voice in his head say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas."

Fred ignores the voice and goes back to work. Later that night he hears the voice again say "Quit your job, dump your fiance, sell your house and take all your money to Las Vegas." which he thinks about for a moment, then dismisses.

As the weeks went on, Fred started hearing the voice more an...

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A girl with a nasal voice walks into a speech therapist's office to get herself "cured."

After going through the therapy, she starts getting hit on by guys who earlier bullied her. She starts having positive thoughts and dreams again. One day she dreams of having sex with her hot Biology teacher. The next day she stays in for office hours and ends up fucking him.

She starts getti...

Nothing beats a beautiful girl with an amazing voice...

Except Chris Brown

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A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ''I'm fucked...'', but a voice in the back of his head says: ''Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!''

''What?! Why?'' - thinks the cowboy.

''Just kill the chief!'' - says the voice.

The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief.

As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''*Now* you're fucked...''

The voice command system of my cheap driverless car broke down a few weeks ago.

It goes without saying.

A blonde was going ice fishing. When she drilled the first hole she heard a voice “there’s no fish under the ice!” So she stood up and found a new spot. As she drilled the second hole she heard the voice again “there’s no fish under the ice!!” So the blonde responded with a shiver “god is that you?”

“No mam I’m the janitor of this ice rink”

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A guy is working a his desk when he hears a voice in his head that says “sell all your stuff and go to Las Vegas” the man is startled by this and asks his co-works if they heard that voice.

No one else hears it. Soon he hears it again.
“sell all your stuff and go to Las Vegas”

After a few days it’s happening non stop!
“sell all your stuff and go to Las Vegas”

Finally, the man gives in. He sells everything he owns and books a flight to Las Vegas. As soon as he gets ...

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A man heard a voice in his head

A man came hime from work and was tired. As he was falling asleep, he heard a voice in his head. "Quit your job, sell your house, take the money and go to Vegas". He didn't think much of it and just went to sleep.

The next few days, he heard the same voice in his head say the same thing. "Qu...

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My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."

"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."

"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."

The voice inside my head must be a woman

cause she never stops talking!

I like the voices in my head like I like my dads

Always there, never to lea— SHUT UP DAVE!

I hear voices in my head

But only when I wear headphones.

My wife lost her voice for the past week...

It's the best our relationship has ever been!

A Soviet army is walking through a finnish field in 1939 during the winter war. Suddenly a voice yells at the other side of a hill.

The voice says: "one finnish soldier is equal to ten soviets"

The soviet commander sends ten soldiers to the hill. They hear gunfire, then silence. Soon the same voice yells again:
"One finnish soldier is equal to a hundred soviets!"

Angry soviet commander sends a hundred soldiers ...

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An elderly woman with a shaky voice walks into a sex shop and asks, "Do y-y-ooou-u s-s-sell vib-b-rat-ors?", the store worker told her "Yes we do, ma'am."

She replied, "H-h-how d-do I t-turn-n it off-ff?"

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist

As a chemist I can conclude that Freddie Mercury's voice is full of beryllium, gold and titanium

Because his voice is Be-Au-Ti-full

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My wife just recently passed away. The thing that I am going to miss the most is her voice. Phrases like "I love you", "I'm so glad that we met", and...

..."Slow the FUCK down in this rain before we hit a tree".

A new carbonated beverage mimics the sounds of a human voice when you pour it out of the bottle.

or out of the can, soda speak.

A man goes to the doctor and says that he can hear voices coming from his underwear.

Doctor says "Don't listen to them. They're talking bollocks."

My therapist says I should stop talking to the voices in my head.

But my wife says I don’t have a therapist.

My voice is like a pony

It's a little horse.

If a pig loses its voice . . .

does it become disgruntled>

Last night I woke up, startled, to a female’s voice coming from my desktop. “Hello,” it said, “It’s me.”

Upon further inspection,
I realized it was just
a Dell.

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A man visits the doctor because his voice is too deep

The man says in this great, booming voice, "Doc, can you help me, my Voice is too deep. The doctor walks up and says, "Ok, lets take a look, drop your pants for me." The man complies and the doctor stares down, shocked. "I think I see the problem, your dick is so large that its pulling down on your ...

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Billy was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live. Billy came home and called his young son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.”

The son cried briefly and the two went to their favorite pub and drowned themselves in alcohol.

Billy’s workmates suddenly showed up and noticed the mass amount of empty pints on the table and asked what’s the occasion. Billy answered while sobbing “I have a bad case of AIDS and herpes. The d...

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The Voices In His Head

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.'' He ignores the voice.

Later in the day, he hears the voice again. ''Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, an...

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A man is walking along a beach, suddenly he hears a booming voice from the heavens.

"DIG!" says the voice. The man looks around, a little confused. "DIG!" Booms the voice again. The man thinks what the fuck and starts digging at the sand in front of him. Suddenly he hits a wooden box. He picks it up and the voice shouts "OPEN!" He opens it to see hundreds of gold coins. He's a litt...

Have you tried out the new celebrity voice feature for Google Maps?

I chose Matthew McConaughey, but now I can't turn left...

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I was on shift at Popeye's when a woman approached my cash register and whispered in a very sexy raspy voice,"I want you to choke me."

I was locked in her lustful gaze and I replied...

"biscuits with no drink then?"

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can’t tell you how upset I am.

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Why does the donkey’s voice sound bad?

Because it’s a little hoarse.

Hands shaking, voice trembling, I faintly rasped, "Mom, I'm in the hospital, but don't worry, I'm fine."

After a silence that seemed to go on forever, she replied, "You have to stop this. You've been a doctor for 3 years now."

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A man breaks into a house and starts examining valuable things to steal. He hears a screechy voice saying "God is watching you!"

He goes into another room and hears the same voice say "God is watching you!".

Then he goes into another room and, once again, hears "God is watching you!". At that point, he asks "And who are you?"

The voice responds by saying "Johnny Cash. I'm a parrot."

The burglar asks "What...

I hear voices telling me to do things I don't want to do

"Take out the trash"

"Do the dishes"

"Clean the litter box"

Why did I get married?

Three men, John, Paul, and Bob live horrible lives and go to hell. When they arrive, a hideously ugly woman appears out of nowhere. Suddenly, a loud booming voice says,

"John! You have sinned! In reparation for your atrocious lifestyle you are condemned to sleep with this woman." With a cry of dismay, John is a whisked away to endure this horrible penance. Suddenly, another even uglier more hideous woman comes forward.

"Paul! You have sinned! In reparation f...

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Voices

A man worked his whole adult life on an assembly line. Day in, day out, same boring thing. Then one day in the middle of his mind numbing shift he hears a little voice whisper: "*Quit your job, sell your house and belongings, take the money,go to Vegas."* He was startled, but shook it off and went...

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A guy with a gun enters a bar.

*"Who the fuck had sex with my wife?"* He snarled.

A voice was heard in the background, *"You don't have enough bullets mate!"*

When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her

a lot upset

I asked the voice in my head, "Do you think we're schizophrenic?"

It said, "Really? Come on, man. What are the chances we're *both* schizophrenic?"

I lost my voice today

I can't tell you how annoying it is.

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A boy come home from school and says "Guess what mom? I had sex with my teacher today!"

The mother is furious, frustrated, and mortified all at once and scream to her son:

"GO TO YOUR ROOM!! YOUR FATHER WILL DEAL WITH YOU WHEN HE COMES HOME!!!"

So after a short dinner, and a long conversation, the boy hears his dad thumping down the hallway to his room. The father opens t...

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Another man with three testicles goes to a doctor and says in a really coarse voice,

"DOCTOR I HAVE AN EXTRA TESTICLE. CAN YOU SURGICALLY REMOVE IT?"

The doctor replies, "Yes I can do that but you will notice some changes after the surgery like that voice of yours might change. Is it okay?"

"YEAH THATS ALL RIGHT"

The operation is successful and the doctor visits...

Sadly, the voice actor of Tony the Tiger has passed away

His last words: "I don't feel GRRRREAT!"

What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman?

Getting her husband's voice just right

If only Whitney Houston could hit a baseball pitch as well as she could hit notes and pitch her voice.

She would have had the world’s best hAND EYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIEEEEEIIIIIIIIIII coordination.

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#2537: Do you have a vagina?

A woman hears a knock on the door and when she opens the door a man asks this.

Man: Do you have a vagina?

Woman slams the door in disgust

The next morning she hears a knock again and answers the door. The man asks the same question Man: do you have a vagina?

She slams the...

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This really hot chick walks up to the bartender and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?"

He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss". She leans in and starts running her fingers through his beard and...

One time, I was out scuba diving when I suddenly heard beautiful voices singing in unison.

I was very surprised until I looked beneath me and realized it was coming from a choral reef.

A man walks into a bar alone and sits down at the table. It’s just him and the bartender, but out of nowhere he starts hearing these voices.

“Hey there, like your shirt!”
“Sweet tie”
“Looking good with that haircut”
“Wow you’re handsome ”

Blushing, but scared and confused, the man looks to the bartender and asks, “Okay, am I going crazy or do you hear those voices too?”

With a laugh the bartender replies, “Oh, don’...

Why did Miss Piggy lose her voice?

She frequently had a frog in her throat.

*kermit voice* why can’t miss piggie count to 70?

When she gets to 69, there’s a frog in her throat

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You have a very erotic voice.

It's fucking with my ears

Desperate for money, I robbed a bank today. My heart sank when I heard a voice boom, "This is the police! We have all the exits surrounded, so come out with your hands up!"

I escaped through the entrance...

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something, our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde, Im a 6’ tall, 200lb black belt, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2”, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player, the fella on your right is 6’5” pushing 300 and...

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

And out of the chaos, a voice spoke; "Smile and be happy, for it can always be worse"

And I smiled, and I was happy, and it did get worse.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people.

Others have no imagination whatsoever.

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This pretty girl walked up to a Neanderthal, winked and said in a sexy voice “Hey… is it true what they say about Neanderthal guys?”

The Neanderthal screeches a high-pitched “YES!! IT IS!!!” Then smashes her brains in.

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Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Communist t...

A New Yorker calls his mother who lives in Florida. She answers the phone with a very weak-sounding voice.

"Mom, you don't sound so good. What's wrong?"

Very feebly she answers, "I haven't eaten in quite some time."

"How long has it been, Mom?"

"My last meal was 26 days ago."

"26 Days!? How come?"

"I didn't want to be caught with food in my mouth when you called."

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A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

I went into a pub in Stratford and said in my best Shakespearean voice,

"A flagon of your finest ale please, Falstaff. "

They threw me out. Told me I was bard.

A man breaks down on a country road in Ireland and hears a voice.

He opens opens his bonnet/hood and looks at the engine. He knows nothing about cars and has no hope of fixing it, then he hears a voice "Check the alternator"....Where the hell did that voice come from, he looks round and leaning over a gate is a huge white horse looking at him "Check the alternator...

A man walks down the street when suddenly he hears a tiny voice above him saying:

A man walks down the street when suddenly he hears a tiny voice above him saying: "If you make one more step, a brick will land on your head and kill you."

Surprised, the man stops just as a huge brick crashes down right in front of him.

Stunned, he continues on his way, and after a...

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A man with a very strained, high-pitched voice goes to see the doctor.

(This is an old Buddy Hackett joke)

The man goes into the doctor's office and he says (in a very strained, high-pitched voice) "Doctor, is there anything you can do to fix my voice?"

The doctor examines him and says, "I've discovered the source of your problem. Most men have two test...

I mimic the voices of my previous girlfriends whenever I'm out in public.

I'm a bit of an excentric

I bought a GPS and one of the voices on it is "Fleetwood Mac".

So I started using it, but it just keeps telling me to go my own way.

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A nun is in the bath when she hears a knock at the door. “Who is it please?” She calls out, “it’s the blind man” says a voice from behind the door. She thinks for a minute and then decided to tell him to come in...

“Nice tits love, where do you want the blind you ordered?

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Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In...

Stevie Wonder should be on The Voice

He'd probably kill the blind auditions.

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A man hears voices

One day a man started hearing voices in his head telling him to leave his job and family and go to Vegas. He ignored it at first, but things were stressful at home so the next day when he heard it again, he took it as a sign and left everything behind.

As he approached Vegas, the voice in hi...

A blonde is drilling in the ice to fish when he hears a voice call out from above...

**There are no fish under the ice**

The guy looks up but doesn't see anyone. He asks - can I at least drill and see for myself?

The answers in a louder tone.

**There are no fish under the ice**

The poor guy looks up and still can't see anyone. He thinks to himself - ...

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