At a family breakfast the following conversation takes place between a Dad and his 7 year old son.

Son: Daddy what are those big round things on mummies chest?”

Dad: They’re balloons son. When mummy dies we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Son: Really? Because Uncle Frank was blowing them up yesterday and mummy kept saying “Oh God, I’m coming” but she didn’t float anywh...

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I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

Actual transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95...

*US Ship*: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

*Canadians*: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

*US Ship*: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

*Canadians*: "N...

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

A man walks up to the front desk of a psychiatric facility and strikes up a conversation with the psychiatrist there...

The man asks the psychiatrist, “how do you choose who is admitted to your facility?”

The psychiatrist explains, "we fill a bathtub with water and give people a straw, a teaspoon, a glass, and a bucket. Then we tell them to empty the bathtub.”

The man chuckles to himself and beams at...

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A Hong Kong activist strikes up a conversation with a Chinese bartender.

Eventually, the bartender starts lamenting about his extremely dominant and overbearing wife and his poor sex life. He tells the activist, "She told me, 'I choose the position. You don't get to try new stuff with me.'"

The activist replies, "That's what Xi said."

A Christian and a Muslim have a conversation

The Muslim tells the Christian that he has to stop wherever they are to pray at a certain time

The Christian, surprised by this says “oh my god”

Then the Muslim replies, “no. MY god”

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Having a conversation with a couple of bouncers...

I was in the pub last night having a conversation with a couple of bouncers, when the barmaid rudely interrupted and said, “Will you talk to my face, not my fucking tits.”

I had a great conversation with a dolphin the other day.

We just... I don't know. We just clicked.

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Two Italians enter the bus in New York and start very noisy conversation:

" .... 'em come first, then I come, two asses together, I come again, two asses together, then I pee, pee again and I come in the end... "

An old lady nereby can't stand it any longer and says:

" You pigs, what a shame to discuss your disgusting sexual life on public!!!! "

Itali...

What do you call two fat people having a conversation?

A heavy discussion

A group of Engineers are in a bar and the conversation turns to religion,...

The System Engineer says, "God must be an Systems Engineer, look at the design of the human nervous system. Millions of signals flying back and forward at enormous speeds, all controlled by a massively powerful processing system that can make billions of calculations every second. Only the greatest ...

John and Bill are having a conversation.

John says I've got a joke.

Bill replies ok what is it.

John: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Bill: Nacho cheese.

John: Aww, how did you know?

Bill: Because it's Nacho joke.

Conversation between leaders of the UK and Argentina

UK: knock knock.

Argentina: who's there?

UK: Falkland Islands.

Argentina: I don't get it.

UK: And you never will.

One day, the mantle and the crust are having a conversation...

All of a sudden, an earthquake occurs. The mantle asks the crust "Why the hell did you do that?!"

The crust replies "Eh, I got a lot on my plate"

An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.

Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."

Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"

Art Dealer: "He...

A mom has a conversation with her 3 children...

Rose: Mommy, why is my name Rose?
Mom: Because when you were born, a rose landed on your head.
Lily: Why is my name Lily?
Mom: Because when you were born, a lily landed on your head.
Other Child: Duhhhhshsiuuuu.
Mom: Shut up Brick.

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A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I lo...

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While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

I recorded 2 countries having a conversation. Here it is

‘Oman?’
Yemen!’

A married couple was having a conversation

- Honey, what do you prefer? A beautiful woman or an intelligent woman?

-Neither one nor the other. You know that I only have eyes for you.

So the Pope is having a conversation with Aliens from Mars.

Pope: "Do you know Jesus?"

Alien: "Oh, Jesus. Great guy. He comes to our planet twice every year."


Pope: "Every year?! It's about two millennia and we're still waiting for his second coming."

Alien: "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate."

Pope: "Chocolate?"

A...

I just had an idea for an app that can connect people with tourettes and similar conditions, so they can have conversations together about their experiences, it's called:

Tic Talk

(I feel comfortable making this joke. I have a tic disorder)

Two Turbines are having a conversation with each other

The first turbine asks: What kind of music do you listen to?

The second Turbine replies: I’m a huge metal fan

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing hap...

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I really hate it when people bring up masturbation in a conversation.

It’s a very touchy subject for me.

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An Aussie starts a conversation with a Kiwi at his farm.

Aussie: "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk."

Aussie: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Aussie: "Is this guy your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Dog: "Yep"

Aussie...

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail l...

There's these two priests walking out of a church, having a conversation, when a drunk approaches them.

"Hey (hiccup), do you two serve the church?"

"Yes."

"Well, I'm the Son of God, so you guys are serving me."

"No, my friend, you are not."

"Really, I am. I can prove it."

"Okay, go ahead and prove it to us."

"Alright (hiccup), follow me."

The two pries...

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What's the hardest part of having a "it's not working" conversation with your japanese girlfriend?

You need to drop the bomb twice

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Two Italian men get on a bus, they sit down and engage in an animated conversation...

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta t...

What do you call a pachyderm who can't contribute anything meaningful to the conversation?

**Irrelephant.**

I was in the middle of a heated conversation when I said "Mark my words!!"

It's nice to have a guy called Mark bringing my dictionary to me whenever I need it.

Jesus and Moses are having a conversation in heaven...

Jesus "Moses, people are starting to lose faith and I don't know what to do about it"



Moses "Well, the last time you preformed some miracles in person, it really made people gain faith"



Jesus "Thats a good idea"



So Jesus and Moses go down to earth to a he...

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A woman, on a blind date with a stockbroker, asked her companion what his favorite stage of human development is, what she should be doing in the stock market, what his sexual orientation is, and about his preferred way to end a conversation. His answers left her feeling very in sync with him.

"Baby, buy, bi, bye."

Two medieval instruments are having a conversation

"I'm a harpsichord." Says the first.

"I'm a lute." Says the second.

"No you're not!" Says the harpsichord. "You're that other string instrument!"

The second looks at him, shocked, and says, "Sir, are you calling me a lyre?!"

Why is it I can hear my wife's normal tone conversation in the other room...

and she can't even hear me yelling for another god damn beer?

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Airplane passenger strikes up a conversation

Someone posted this and thought it was hilarious..
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to r...

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the
porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"


Delighted, the girl quickly responded,
"How about $50?"

...

A conversation Over the Walkie talkie.

Girl: Our relationship is over.
Guy: our relationship is what over.

Two blondes having a conversation

Blonde 1: What do you think is closer, Paris or the Moon?

Blonde 2: Are you stupid? Can you see Paris from here?

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Great conversation between me and my boss....

Boss: “Why did you have sex with her?”

Me: “Because she was naked, what was I supposed to do?”

Boss: “AUTOPSY!”

I was fired last week....

How do you respond if someone tells you: “this is an A and B conversation, so why don’t you C your way out!”

Tell them: “to me, it looks like a **D** and **E** conversation, so why don’t you go **F** yourself!”

The following conversation took place while a prisoner was awaiting execution by electric chair.

Priest: Do you have any last requests?
Prisoner: Yes I do, can I hold your hand?

Guy 1: I have conversations with myself sometimes

Guy 1: yeah, me too

Three kids and a mom are having a conversation

1st child: mom, why did you name me Lilly?

Mom: because when I was walking out of the hospital with you, a lily flower pedal landed on your head.

2nd child: why did you name me rose?

Mom: because when I was walking out of the hospital with you, a rose pedal landed on your head...

Two blondes are having a conversation...

-Next month I’m going to Venice

-Venice? Haven’t you been there last year already?

-Yeah but the streets were flooded

A Grandad and his Grandson are having a conversation

Grandad: Your generation relies to much on technology

Grandson: No, YOUR generation relies to much on technology

*Grandson pulls the plug on his Grandad's life support*

A drunk man approaches two overweight women after overhearing their conversation...

and says to them: "Hey! I recognize that accent! Which part of England are you two lovely women from?" Annoyed at the man's ignorance, they exclaim: "It's Wales!" "Oh I'm so sorry! Which part of England are you two lovely \*whales\* from?"

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A jew and a goy are seated together in a train compartment. No one else joins them and as the train gets underway, the goy decides to engage the jew in a conversation.

The goy asks the jew all sorts of questions about his religion. The jew patiently answers them all.
Eventually they take out their pack lunches and continue the conversation. The goy asks:

« Why is it you people are so smart? »

The jew thinks about it for a while and responds:
...

New Doctor is doing rounds in a psychiatric ward [Long]

He comes across a patient who looks perfectly fine otherwise and starts talking to him casually

Doctor: so what do you want to do in your life ?
Patient: I just want to make myself a slingshot and hunt myself some swallows

Doctor thinks to himself maybe that’s what’s wrong with the ...

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I once knew someone with narcolepsy, it’s the craziest shit. One moment we’d be having a conversation and everything is normal,

The next thing I know, I’m having sex.

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Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way t...

Bill Gates is having a conversation with Paul Allen.

Bill: "How come Bing failed?"

Paul: "Well, let me Goo..."

Bill: "Never mind."

The Pope and Colonel Sanders of KFC are having a conversation about the change to the Lord's Prayer.

"Your Holiness," Sanders began. "You must make another change. Instead of give us today our daily bread, make it give us today our daily chicken."

"I cannot change these words!" The Pope was astounded. "They are ingrained in our very heritage!"

They negotiated until the Colonel finaly ...

One day a chicken and a pig were having a conversation

The chicken suggests the two should start a restaurant.

The pig is intrigued by the idea and says, “That sounds great. I’m an entrepreneurial type of hog. I’m sick of working for the farmer. But what are we going to call the restaurant?”

The chicken thinks. Then scratches and pecks at ...

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A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him...

As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her...

I was driving to work this morning, distracted as usual by my coffee, banana, podcasts, etc, when I hit something. I saw a gray and white lump on the road in my rear view and feared the worse. I got out and checked, and just as I had thought, I hit a cat.

It had a collar on, so clearly it belonged to someone, and it was in front of a little farmhouse, which was the only house within seeing distance. I knocked on the door, and a lady in a bathrobe answered. It was plain to see the she was amid a hectic morning getting her kids ready for school. I e...

A robot tried to start a conversation with an attractive waitress

## But he wasn't so successful in doing so. The error message read:

Error: failed to establish connection with server.

During a conversation a friend brings up his theory about how the moon landings were faked. I give him a concerned look.

I say “you believe in the moon?”

My girlfriend has the weirdest way to start a conversation with me..

„Were you even listening to me?!“

How can u tell a computer scientist is an introvert or an extrovert?

The extrovert looks at your shoes while having conversation while the introvert looks at his own shoe.

My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"

What a weird way to start a conversation

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NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a ...

One day co-workers Alice and Bob were talking over the water cooler. Soon the conversation turned to Alice's husband Walter and his plans for the future.

"He's up for a promotion, but he's kinda screwed. He'd be moving up from the mail room to a position with some management responsibilities, but he never actually graduated college and that's usually a requirement. They like him though, so there's just one course he has to take and get a good grade i...

Husband: Why are the defective condoms lying on the sofa?

Wife: What?

Wife goes to find them and comes back angrily saying:

I will kill you, if you don't stop calling our children 'Defective Condoms'.

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

Astrological signs are a great way to see if two people are compatible.

For instance, if you volunteer your astrological sign in conversation, we can’t be friends.

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Senior Sex [NSFW]

Husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around...

A bear walks into bar. Bartender asks, “What would you like to drink”? Bear says, “I’ll have a rum and coke...

My Boss: What’s the joke? I don’t get it.

Me: What do you mean you don’t get it? Just think about it.

My Boss: The Bear can talk?

Me: No, that’s not the joke.

My Boss: The Bear can walk into a bar?

Me: No, that’s not the joke either.

My Boss: The Bear likes ...

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Two Jews die and wait outside the pearly gates.

While waiting they realise that they both survived the same concentration camp.

After some chatting, one says to the other: "remember that time when the guard pushed you onto the electric fence and you almost died?" A second of silence passes and suddenly they both start laughing hystericall...

My wife said. “are you even listening to me?” She turned around and walked away. I stared at her blankly and thought “that’s an odd way to start a conversation”

Huh?

"$50 is $50!"

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, t...

I once had a very annoying conversation with a waiter in a restaurant about the wifi.

Turns out the password was "sorrysirwedonthavewifi"

An old professor of Particle Physics and his assistant were having beers at a pub in London when the conversation drifted to the experiments with the Large Hadron Collider near Geneva, Switzerland.

The assistant mentioned one of the wonderous things the famous particle collider can do. "The Collider can accelerate protons," the assistant began.

The professor smiled and said, "Yes, I've seen it do that, personally."

Surprised and intrigued that his mentor had worked with ...

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The boy with the wooden eye.

There was a poor kid in Highschool who only had one eye. He couldn't afford a glass eye so he had one made out of wood. The wooden eye looked terrible and he was very self-conscious about it.

Despite his appearance he always tried to score a date with the hottest girls in school. One day in ...

In the middle of an unrelated conversation my friend mentioned he prunes his roses with a knife.

It was a non-secateur.

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A traveler walks into a bar in a foreign land...

He started up a conversation with a bar owner, Greg for confidence. Eventually they were talking about his business.

Greg: you see this bar? It took years to build this bar, to find every perfect piece of brick, to hone it into a perfect bar. But do they call me Greg the bar builder? No.
...

Today I got pulled over. The conversation went like this:

Cop: Did you know you were speeding?

Me: No, but I passed someone who was!

Conversation between an interviewer and an alcoholic

Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

Man: Yes.

Interviewer: How much a day?

Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?

...

Actual conversation that took place in front of me today while waiting for my food at a chicken place...

There were 4 teens standing in front of me, 2 boys and 2 girls. One of the girls walks off to go to the restroom...

Guy A “Hey man, is that your sister?”

Guy B “Yeah”

Guy A “I can tell, y’all look just alike. This is my sister and we don’t look nothin’ alike. I look just like my...

A woman is having a conversation with a man at her office.

Woman: What is your idea of a perfect date?

Man: MM/DD/YYYY, other formats can be really confusing.

Two farmers are having a conversation over a fence...

One farmer looks over the other's shoulder and spots two cows grazing on the field behind him.
He asks the farmer "-By the way, how much milk do you actually get out of a cow?"
"The white one or the black one?" The other farmer asks.
"Oh, the white one then." Says the first farmer. "A...

Had a conversation with a Miner about the effects it had on the environment.

The conversation got rocky.

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I was sitting next to a girl on the train and i started a conversation with her...

Me: "hi what's your name?

Girl: "hello, I'm Rebecca...what's yours?"

Me: "Richard, but my friends call me Dick"

Girl: "that's strange... How do you get Dick from Richard?"

Me: "just ask politely"

A sailor walks into a bar and strikes up a conversation with another man...

The guy asks him: “So how many of the 7 seas have you sailed?”

The pirate responds “7!! There aren’t 7 seas lad, there are 26 and I’ve sailed 25”

“Oh really which seas have you sailed?”

“Well I’ve sailed
the A Sea,
the B Sea,
the C Sea,
the D Sea,
the E Sea,
th...

Dad and his son Billy, age 5, had a conversation. Dad: Billy listen. Your mother and I have decided that we can't live together anymore.

Billy: But papa, where will mommy live??

Dad: She'll still live here.

Billy: Oh papa I will miss you.

Dad: I will miss you too Billy. Now pack up your stuff you got 15minutes to get the f\*\*k out.

I throw big words randomly in the middle of a conversation

so i look photosynthesis

My girlfriend asked me to stop using Wonderwall lyrics in conversations . . .

So I SAID MAYBE

A conversation with a genie

Genie: What is your first wish?

Steve: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted. Second wish?

Rich: I want lots of money.

Donald Trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald wa...

“Have you heard about the conversation of two deaf men?”

“What?”

A conversation with god about Trump

John (while writing Revelations): "So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"

God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."

John: Yeah, trumpets.

God: "Never mind. They'll know."

A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.

"I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"

"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."

"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"

Carbon and Helium were having a conversation.

Carbon: “ And then I said, Barium!”

Osmium walks into the room.

“What’s so funny guys?”

Carbon whispers to Helium: “Don’t tell him. He’s too dense to get it.”

Conversation with a wind turbine.

Wind turbine: *exists*

Man : "I'll hold up a big kite and you blow air at me until I lift off."

Wind Turbine: " ... "

Man : "What do you think of that idea?"

Wind turbine : "I'm not a huge fan"

A conversation between a man and a woman

Conversation between a man and a woman. She asks him 5 or 6 questions that he answers quickly and easily. She, however, will remain silent after answering a question asked by the man:

- woman: "Do you drink beer?"

- man: "Yes"

- Woman: "How many beers do you drink a day?"
...

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"


She tu...

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A Jewish man and a Chinese man strike up a conversation...

Before long they're arguing...

Jewish man: "You know what? I hate you."

Chinese man: "For what?"

Jewish man: "Pearl Harbor!"

Chinese man: "That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!"

Jewish man: "eh, Japanese, Chinese what's the difference?"

Chinese man: "Well, you...

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I met a guy who gets sexually aroused by conversation.

We were chatting at a party and it suddenly came up.

How to end a conversation with a really hot girl you befriended online ?

Reply: "I am from Delhi,India."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

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Two Romans have a Conversation.

"Hey man, what year is it?"

"35 before Christ"

"Who the hell is that?"

"I have no fucking Idea"

I was eavesdropping on two indian chefs talking..

It was a dhal conversation

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