UPJOKE
talkspeechtalkingchatcolloquycommunicationdiscussiondialogueconfabtable talkschmoozeconfabulationspeakconverserant

Conversation Jokes

A kid was sitting with the maid and had the following conversation:

Maid: You must leave this house.


Kid: Why?


Maid: There are ghosts here.


*Later that day the kid was sitting with his dad*


Kid: Dad, the maid told me we should leave this house because there are ghosts in it.


Dad: Pack your bags!


Kid: ...

A conversation between 2 imaginery people on the phone

A conversation between 2 imaginery people on the phone:

Hello, are you there?
Yes, who are you?
I'm Watt.
What's your name?
Watt's my name!
Yes, what's your name!?
My name is John Watt!
John what???
Yes. Are you Jones?
No. I'm Knott.
Will you ...

A conversation about how to become a rich

John - My friend just finished writing a book " How to get money" and now he needs money to publish it.

Smith : Tell him to read the book

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my futu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

So the Pope is having a conversation with Aliens from Mars.

Pope: "Do you know Jesus?"

Alien: "Oh, Jesus. Great guy. He comes to our planet twice every year."


Pope: "Every year?! It's about two millennia and we're still waiting for his second coming."

Alien: "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate."

Pope: "Chocolate?"

A...

A conversation in the train compartment of a speedtrain

"What are you chewing on all the time?"

"Apple cores."

"And what's that good for?"

"It promotes intelligence."

"I see, can you give me four of those, too?"

"Gladly. Four pieces cost eight Dollars."

The passenger pays and gets the kernels.

After chewin...

A conversation between a guy and his girlfriend...

Girl: Ah, finally. This is the moment!

Boy: Will you leave me?

Girl: Nah!

Boy: Do you love me?

Girl: Yes, a lot!

Boy: Have you ever cheated on me?

Girl: No, why are you asking this?

Boy: Will you kiss me?

Gir: Everytime i get th...

A conversation between a camel and its mother

Baby camel: Mum, why do we have humps on our back?

Mother camel: So that we can store food and water for many days when we trek for long distances in the desert.

Baby camel: Mum, why do we have thick eyelashes?

Mother camel: So that we can avoid sand from entering our eyes durin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wholesome family dinner conversation

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.

In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scientist sat beside a little girl on a plane. He wanted to start a conversation.

He said: » I hear flights shorten if you talk with other passangers…«

The little girl replied: »OK, what do you want to talk about?«

The scientist was being a bit sarcastic: »Why don't we talk about nuclear physics?«

The girl said: »Can I ask you somethig first? A goat, a cow an...

A conversation with a genie

Genie: What is your first wish?

Steve: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted. Second wish?

Rich: I want lots of money.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of he men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and his role as the President. The old farmer said, " Well, as I see it, Donald Trump is like a 'Post Tortoise'.'' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a count...

I was on a blind date with a woman, and during our dinner conversation....

....she said, "You know, I used to be a Christian."

I told her that was fine, it really didn't matter to me.

She said, "Good. Because I'm much more comfortable as a Christine."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Two Nuns Are Having a Whispered Conversation During Mass

Sister Enid: "You've been praying rather fervently of late. Is anything the matter?

Sister Agatha: Yes, I've developed an embarrassing medical condition.

Sister Enid: What sort of condition?

Sister Agatha: Well, every time I sneeze I have a mind blowing orgasm.

Sister Eni...

Two lumberjacks are having a conversation.

One of them says "You know, I can cut wood just by looking at it!"

The other replies "That's not possible! I don't believe you!"

The first says "I know, that it's hard to believe, but I'm telling you! I saw it with my two eyes!"

A conversation between a priest and me

Me: So Christ body is bread?

Priest: Yes

Me: It rose from the grave?

Priest: Yes

Me: Because of yeast?

Priest: No

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have m...

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mailman is delivering the mail to one of the houses on his route when he and the woman who lives there begin chatting. As the conversation continues, he notices a sheet hanging up in the middle of the living room with a small hole in it.

The mailman says, “So, may I ask what’s with the sheet hanging up?” She says, “Ahh yes. Last night we had a bunch of folks over and decided to play a game. The men got on one side of the sheet and the women got on the other. The men took turns putting their cocks in the hole and then the women would...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man and a Chinese man strike up a conversation...

Before long they're arguing...

Jewish man: "You know what? I hate you."

Chinese man: "For what?"

Jewish man: "Pearl Harbor!"

Chinese man: "That was the Japanese! I'm Chinese!"

Jewish man: "eh, Japanese, Chinese what's the difference?"

Chinese man: "Well,...

A blind man and a man in a wheelchair are having a conversation.

The man in the wheelchair says: "hey look! A spider"

to which the blind man replied "step on it"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Japanese tourist had been learning English conversation. However, as soon as he landed at an American airport, he collapsed. A doctor rushed to the scene and lifted the Japanese man up. "How are you?"

The Japanese answered in a hoarse voice.
"I'm fine thank you, and you?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it so difficult to hold a conversation with an asexual?

They're not interested in fucking anything!

I had a tough conversation with my parents

Dad: knock knock

Me: who's there?

Dad: water

Me: water who?

Dad: water you even doing with your life? I ask you this in the form of a joke because it seems this best relates to the course of your life thus far.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Romans have a Conversation.

"Hey man, what year is it?"

"35 before Christ"

"Who the hell is that?"

"I have no fucking Idea"

Real conversation with my 6-year-old:

Him (looking at a bank building): Is this where they keep the money that you donate to them?

Me: Yes, but we don't _donate_ to the bank, we _deposit_ into the bank. 'Deposit' means that you're going to take it back later. 'Donate' means that you just give it away and don't expect to ever get ...

Just had the following conversation in court

Judge: State your name.

Me: Not Guilty


Judge: What?


Me: I had it legally changed.


Judge: You’re Not Guilty?


Me: Thanks, I’m outta here

Shortest conversation that led to a beat down

Wife: I have changed my mind
Husband: Is it working now?

A stupid pun joke- The moon and the sun are having a conversation

The moon and the sun are having a conversation.
The moon says “Hey, you have been pretty dark lately. That kinda defies your entire sol purpose. The sun replies with “When will you stop telling me these stupid puns like a lune-atic.”

Text conversation between father and daughter

Daughter: Dad, I have a new boyfriend!

Dad: And I have a new gun

Daughter: I don't see how this is connected

Dad: Hopefully neither will the cops

Three guys just met and they have a conversation about different sorts of paste

The first guy says: "I know everything about tomato paste, because I own an Italian restaurant."

The second guy says: "I know everything about toothpaste, because I am a dentist."

The third guy says: "I know everything about copy-paste, because I visit /r/jokes."

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were having a conversation.

Sherlock turned to Watson. "Observe the stars above us and the grass below us, what can you deduce? You know my methods."

Watson thought carefully. "From the position of the stars, i can deduce our approximate location, as well as the month. The grass is moist, so it has obviously rained rece...

Friend: do you know that one guy who just cant have a conversation without quoting star wars?

Me: well of course I know him, he is me

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way t...

[First Date] Her: I am really enjoying our conversation. Let’s get a drink and see where it goes.

Me: I’m almost sure it goes in your mouth.

Conversation between dad and son about girls

Young boy: I don't like girls
Dad: That'll change when you're older
Young boy: So girls get less annoying?
Dad: No, you get less picky

3 inmates in a GDR prison have a conversation.

Inmate 1: "So what are you in for?"

Inmate 2: "I was 5 minutes late to work and was accused of sabotage."

Inmate 1 turns to Inmate 3 and asks: "What about you?"

Inmate 3: "I was 5 minutes early to work and was accused of espionage. What about you?"

Inmate 1: "I arrived at...

It's always such a delicate conversation when I have to tell my acupuncturist friend to clean up his floor.

I'm walking on pins and needles here.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Conversation at the beach

A widowed Jewish lady, still in very good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach near Tel Aviv.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strik...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A member of Stalin's cabinet overhears a conversation in which Marshal Zhukov calls the Great Leader a "mustachioed asshat".

The cabinet member wastes no time in telling Stalin of this heresy. Stalin approaches Zhukov and says, "Now, who is a mustachioed asshat?"


Zhukov raises his eyebrows, "When I said that, I was thinking of Fuhrer Hitler, of course!"


He then turns to the cabinet member.

...

I overheard two women at the coffee shop having a lurid conversation about Bukkake.

One woman apologized and asked if I was offended by the topic.

I told her that I didn't mind and she was welcome to talk about it until she was blew in the face.

I had a great conversation with a dolphin the other day.

We just... I don't know. We just clicked.

It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now

But I wanted to be transparent.

A good conversation is like a miniskirt…

Short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover the subject.


Credit: Celeste Headlee’s sister

A father and his son have a conversation…

Son: “Dad, why did mom name my sister rose?”

Dad: “Because your mother loves roses.”

Son: “Oh, okay. Thanks dad.”

Dad: “Not a problem Richard.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman are having a conversation.

Woman: "I got divorced recently."

Man: "Oh, how come?"

Woman: "Well, would you live with a person that is messy, lazy an alcoholic, smokes, doesn't help with chores and is overall a total asshole?"

Man: "Of course not!"

Woman: "Well, my husband couldn't either..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young brothers are having a conversation one morning.

The 6 year old says to the four year old, "When we go down to breakfast, I'll say a sentence with the word 'hell' and you say a sentence with the word 'ass'". The four year old nods his head in agreement and they excitedly go downstairs and sit at the kitchen table.
Mom kisses each boy on the for...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An usual conversation on Tinder.

M: Wow, you’re beautiful, so, can you send me a pic of your titties?


W: Sure, send me 20$


Sending money.


M: Oh, they’re gorgeous! Now, can you also send me a pic of your butt?


W: No problems, send another 50$


After a while.

<...

At a First Date Conversation

At a first date:

He: “I work with animals every day!”

She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”

He: “I’m a butcher.”

A man calls his mother and starts the conversation with "Ma, I don't want you to worry but I'm calling from the hospital"

The mother responds, "It wasn't funny the first time you started working there and it's not funny now!"

A old couple is in bed, lights turned off and making conversation.

The man asks: “how many partners have you had before meeting me?” . His wife thinks and a few seconds later answers: “ I have been with maybe 4 or 5 before you. What about you” she then asks her husband. Seconds, and minutes go by and no answers. “Are you sleeping” she asks, slightly annoyed. The hu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I Got Pull Over Today (real conversation with cop)

So….today I got pulled over about 15 feet from the front of my building on my way to work for rolling a stop as I was putting my seatbelt on. I just left it unbuckled so he didn’t think I was trying to pull one over on him.

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m an...

I can't have a meaningful conversation with anyone in the fashion industry...

They're all so clothes-minded...

Conversation with a twist…

— How dare you sleep with her?!
—> She was naked! What else was I supposed to do?!
— The autopsy!
—> Don’t tell me what to do!
— You are the worst vet!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Jewish fathers are having a conversation.

One mentioned to the other, "It's been a trying time for me. I sent my son to Jerusalem to study for two years in the hopes he would return as a better Jew, but instead he converted to Christianity."

The other father replied, "That's odd. I also sent my son to Jerusalem to study, and he also ...

A quick conversation between a man and his Bene Gesserit girlfriend, who was going through menstrual cramps.

"What's in the box?"

"Pain."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two women are talking over the garden wall and the conversation turns to money.

“You know, Lauren, I’ve discovered a great way to get more money out of my old man. Last week I wore a low necked jumper when we went shopping and as I bent over the supermarket freezer one of my boobs popped out. You should have seen Bill, he nearly had a blue fit. I told him it was because I didn’...

Wife has strange ways of starting a conversation..

... out of nowhere she'll ask me: are you even listening at all?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Italians enter the bus in New York and start very noisy conversation:

" .... 'em come first, then I come, two asses together, I come again, two asses together, then I pee, pee again and I come in the end... "

An old lady nereby can't stand it any longer and says:

" You pigs, what a shame to discuss your disgusting sexual life on public!!!! "

Itali...

[Long] This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. It was released by the Canadian Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision

Canadians: Negative. Divert your course 15 degrees to the South

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy sh...

Struck up a conversation with a spider today at home while dusting.

Nice guy. He's a web designer

A conversation I had with my mom

Mom: A little birdy told me someone’s been taking drugs

Me: Well you’re the one talking to birds!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Conversation with a mechanic

Mechanic: you used subpar fuel which corroded your intake injectors and manifold

Me: Uhh, English bro

Mechanic: low quality gas damaged your engine

Me: dumb it down for me kemosabe

Mechanic : Bad go-go juice made your vroom vroom machine all fucky

Me : oh fuck

I can work the lyrics of “Uptown Funk” into any conversation I have.

Don’t believe me? Just watch!

An alcoholic priest and a fornicating nun were having a lively conversation as they walked into a bar.

The rabbi behind them saw it in time to duck.

A German and an Englishman are having a conversation in the park when suddenly a young girl falls into the lake.

They both rush in to save her, but when they emerge she’s unconscious.

The Englishman asks the German if they know the number for emergency services.

“999.”

The Englishman replies, “fine, I’ll call them myself.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was my school reunion at the weekend, and the main topic of conversation was still about the stunning supply teacher we had one day in the early eighties who gave a lad a blow job in front of the entire class.

She went down in history.

JESUS AND SATAN ARE HAVING A CONVERSATION...

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better jo...

Jesus and Moses are having a conversation in heaven...

Jesus "Moses, people are starting to lose faith and I don't know what to do about it"



Moses "Well, the last time you preformed some miracles in person, it really made people gain faith"



Jesus "Thats a good idea"



So Jesus and Moses go down to earth to a he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Peter and his father Deter are having a conversation on a hill top

Peter says," See that house there, I built that house with my bare hands. Do people call me Peter the house builder? NO.

See the church there, I built that church. Do they call me Peter the church builder.NO

And see that wall there I built that wall with my bare hands. Do they call me...

My friend and I got into a conversation about Furries.

In the end we ended up deep in a rabbit hole.

How do you have a serious conversation with a stoner?

You have to be very blunt with them.

[corny joke alert]

In WWII, Hungary had finally declared war on the USA. An envoy is sent to the US embassy, where they handed over the formal declaration, after which the following conversation took place:

\- What is your form of government?

\-Kingdom.

\-Who's your king?

\- We don't have a king, but a regent.

\- Okay, then who's the regent?

\- Admiral Miklós Horthy.

\- Admiral? So do you have access to the ocean?

\- No.

\- Okay. Do you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him...

As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her...

What do LGBT people say at the end of a conversation?

Bi

A boy is about to go on his first date, is worried about keeping the conversation flowing, and asks his older brother's advice

His older brother tells him to remember the 3 F's: Family, Food, and Filosophy; and to start ask questions about them.

On their date, there is a lull in the conversation and the boy decides to heed his brother's advice. He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

"No," the girl replies.

"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Aussie starts a conversation with a Kiwi at his farm.

Aussie: "G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk."

Aussie: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Aussie: "Is this guy your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi)

Dog: "Yep"

Aussie...

A college student on spring break is having a conversation with his Dad.

"So how are your classes?"
asks the father.

"Good."

"How's the football team doing?"

"Okay."

"Making new friends?"

"Some."

"What are you thinking of majoring in?"

"Communications."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bear is taking a shit in the woods, and sees a rabbit nearby, doing the same - so he strikes up a conversation

Bear - "Hello, Mr. Rabbit"

Rabbit - "Hello, Mr. Bear"

Bear - "Would you mind if I asked a personal question?"

Rabbit - "Why, no - go ahead"

Bear - "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

Rabbit - "No Mr. Bear, I do not."

So the bear picks up ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a conversation and a vagina?

Nothing, I can slide in and out of both of them

A man and a deaf person are in a conversation

After a few minutes, they run out of things to talk about.
They stand there for a time, and then the man signs: "The conversation's gone quiet now, hasn't it?"


The deaf person then signs "How should I know?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place...

First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A jew and a goy are seated together in a train compartment. No one else joins them and as the train gets underway, the goy decides to engage the jew in a conversation.

The goy asks the jew all sorts of questions about his religion. The jew patiently answers them all.
Eventually they take out their pack lunches and continue the conversation. The goy asks:

« Why is it you people are so smart? »

The jew thinks about it for a while and responds:
...

A conversation between my mother and my wife.

Wife: Hi mom, I am so happy to see you. How long will you be staying?
Mother-in-Law: As long as you want me to...
Wife: What! you wont even stay for coffee?

Two blondes having a conversation

Blonde 1: What do you think is closer, Paris or the Moon?

Blonde 2: Are you stupid? Can you see Paris from here?

My girlfriend has the weirdest way to start a conversation with me..

„Were you even listening to me?!“

A man over heard my conversation about GameStop stock and asked me what‘a this fuss all about?

I said, “Do you want the long or the short story?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the best way to end a conversation with a Nazi?

Eight pops and a PING!

Conversation between my grandfather and me.

Grandad: Jack, you're too attached to technology.
Me: No YOU'RE Too attached to technology! *unplugs life support*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy strikes up a conversation with the guy next to him in an ER waiting room.

A guy is sitting in an ER waiting room. The guy next to him is complaining because he has a sliver of metal in his eye. The first guy says, “That’s got to be the worst thing that’s ever happened to you!” The second guy says, “No, actually, this one winter I was up at my hunting shack, and I had to ...

Two people having a conversation

A: Looking at you reminds me of the sun
B: Hot, attractive and source of all life?
A: No, fat, round and looking at you hurts my eyes

Two old acquaintances run into each other and strike up a conversation.

One says, "You look great! I swear you're younger now than when we first met. What's your secret?"

The other says, "Well, thanks. I know it sounds crazy, but I've been eating a lot of Italian bread lately."

"Italian bread?"

"I know. But it just gives me lots of energy, and I'm a...

Jon Arbuckle and Garfield have a serious conversation…

After a particularly satisfying lasagna dinner, Garfield is feeling curious about his life and how he came to be.

“Jon, where did my name come from?”

Jon Arbuckle looks instantly sorrowful and begins to tear up.

“I wondered when you would ask me that, old pal,” he responds, soun...

Three Jewish guys are having a conversation about how reform their synagogues are…

The first man exclaims “My synagogue is so reform that they serve shrimp and pork in the cafeteria”

The second man exclaims “My synagogue is so reform that they serve us shrimp and pork on Yom Kippur”

The third man exclaims “My synagogue is so reform that on Yom Kippur there’s a sign o...

Two blondes are having a conversation...

Do you know that the black box of an airplane is actually orange!

The other respond:

OMG! So, it's not a box?!?

A drunk man approaches two overweight women after overhearing their conversation...

and says to them:

"Hey! I recognize that accent! Which part of England are you two lovely women from?"

Annoyed at the man's ignorance, they exclaim: "It's Wales!"

"Oh I'm so sorry! Which part of England are you two lovely *whales* from?"

What do you call conversation during BJ

Job Interview

Two bodybuilders are having a conversation in Hell.

Man 1: “Hey dude, do you think there is anywhere down here where I could get a protein shake?”

Man 2: “Dude, there’s no whey in Hell.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old sex joke: A conversation between a doc and a patient

"Name?"
"Abdul Aziz."
"Sex?"
"Three to five times a day."
"No, no... I mean male or female?"
"Yes, male, female, sometimes camel."
"Holy cow!"
"Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general."
"But isn't that hostile?"
"Horse style, doggy style, any style!"
"Oh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My last conversation with my boss

Boss:why did you have sex with her?

Me:she was lying naked what was I supposed to do?

Boss:AUTOPSY you were supposed to do an AUTOPSY

Anyways that is how I got fired from the vets

How does captain Jean-Luc Picard excuse himself from a conversation with Will Riker so he can use the restroom?

I have to go, Number One.

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like to masturbate long words into conversation,

even if I don't know what they mean.

Husband and his wife at night conversation

Husband sent a text to his wife at night,
"Hi I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes
and make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return."

He sent another text,
"And I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary
at the end of the month I'm gett...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's really hard to have a serious conversation while you're eating ass

Since everything you say is tongue-in-cheek.

I once met someone who refused to talk to people unless the conversation was about fashion.

He was very clothes minded.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and starts a drunken conversation with one of the patrons. “Hey what’re you drinking?” the patron asks. “Magic beer,” says the guy.

After arguing about it for a few minutes the guy says, “I’ll prove it to you.”
They go outside and walk to a nearby cliff. The guy chugs his Magic Beer, then jumps off. Miraculously he floats back up and settles down next to the stunned patron.The patron runs back to the bar and says to the barte...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 dogs are having a conversation

They get to complaining about the hypocrisy of their owners.

The first dog says "My owners won't let me eat anything off the counter, but then they go ahead and shove their faces full of whatever is there."

The second dog says "My owners won't let me take a leak in the house, but th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three nuns were having a conversation.

The first one says:"Guess what I found in Father's room while cleaning it? A pile of porn under his bed!"

"So what did you do?" asked the other two.

"I ripped it up and threw it out, of course."

The second nun says:"Guess what I found while doing Father's laundry? A box of condo...

How does a socially inept cat walk away from conversation?

On his faux pas

A conversation between a man and a woman

Conversation between a man and a woman. She asks him 5 or 6 questions that he answers quickly and easily. She, however, will remain silent after answering a question asked by the man:

- woman: "Do you drink beer?"

- man: "Yes"

- Woman: "How many beers do you drink a day?"
...

John and Bill are having a conversation.

John says I've got a joke.

Bill replies ok what is it.

John: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Bill: Nacho cheese.

John: Aww, how did you know?

Bill: Because it's Nacho joke.

A conversation between God and Moses at the top of Mt. Sinai.....

God: And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.

Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.

God: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk.

Moses: Oh, Lord forgive my ignora...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Army general, an Air Force general and a Navy admiral were having lunch and talking at the officers club when the topic of bravery came up in their conversation.

The Air Force man said that the men in the Air Force were the bravest of all the U.S. troops. The Army man said: "That's bullshit, everyone knows the Army has the bravest men serving the country. The admiral blurted out that they were both full of shit and that everyone in the country knew that the ...

Gen Z names are so stupid. For instance, a young man introduced himself to me as Jathan..... Not Jason. Not Nathan... Jathan.

I'm not good with remembering names so I try to incorporate them into the conversation to help me to remember. So I said to him

"It's very nice to meet you Jathan."

"That is a very unique name, Jathan."

"Are you from around here Jathan?"

To which he replied

"Wow, a...

San Francisco, Manhattan, Chicago and Miami were having a lively conversation until St. Louis passed by, looking depressed.

Chicago said, "why are you so sad?"
St. Louis replied, "I'm always in a state of Missouri."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three race horses are in the stable having a conversation.

Three race horses are in the stable having a conversation.'I don't mean to brag,' says one of them 'but out of the 20 races I've had so far, I've won 11 of them.''You think that's impressive?' Laughs another 'I've been in 35 races and won 20 of them!''Is that it?' Says the third 'I've had 50 and won...

Dad and Son have a conversation about joining the Navy.

Dad: You wanna join the navy? You can’t even swim!


Son: But then in the Air Force no one can fly either.

My friends asked me to stop quoting Oasis every time we have a conversation

"I said maybe"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Phone conversation) what has a tiny penis and hangs down?

A bat.

What has a huge penis and hangs up?

*click*

A man goes to an circus and he sees an elephant tamer and they start a conversation

The elephant tamer asks: "How do you think I can fit one of these elephants in a take away bag?"

The man asks: "How do you fit an elephant in a take away bag?"

The tamer replies: "You take the 't' from 'take' and the "f" in away."

The man replies: "There's no 'f' in way!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired from my job at the golf club today, here's how the conversation went.

*"This is not acceptable at all! You're fired!"*, said my boss.

"But sir I-"

*"I'm not hearing any excuses! You put your dick inside the golf ball washer!!? This is not acceptable at all!"* my boss replied.

"I understand sir, I'm really sorry."

*"Good. You may leave at on...

An american and Canadian are having a conversation

The american asks: “Is it true that Canadians apologise a lot?”

The Canadian thought about it for a while, shook his head, and replied:
“I’m sorry, I don’t know”

was at a restaurant the other day and overheard this conversation. Customer: "I don't eat honey, eggs, cheese, dairy or any meat products. What can I get?"

Waiter: "You can get the hell out of here"

A sailor walks into a bar and strikes up a conversation with another man...

The guy asks him: “So how many of the 7 seas have you sailed?”

The pirate responds “7!! There aren’t 7 seas lad, there are 26 and I’ve sailed 25”

“Oh really which seas have you sailed?”

“Well I’ve sailed
the A Sea,
the B Sea,
the C Sea,
the D Sea,
the E Sea,
th...

Two Turbines are having a conversation with each other

The first turbine asks: What kind of music do you listen to?

The second Turbine replies: I’m a huge metal fan

What was the conversation i had last night with my ex?

"I have a test tomorrow. Any cheating tips?"

I had a conversation with a Jewish friend who said to me I have no idea what it’s like to be Jewish

I told him that is not true! My wife blames me for everything.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A conversation with my boner

”Either youre gonna go away or im gonna beat the shit out of you”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his friend are having a conversation

Man: When I was born, I was given the choice to either have a really good memory or a big dick

Friend: Which one did you pick?

Man: I don't remember

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two vaginas are having a conversation

The first one asks : "I've heard you can't orgasm, is that really true?"

The second one replies : "Not at all! The ones saying that are just badmouthing me..."

I wanted to impress my Spanish wife's parents so I said the word mucho in conversation at dinner last night.

I think it worked. They said it meants a lot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you understand the essential difference between sex and conversation?

No? Do you want to go upstairs and talk?

There's these two priests walking out of a church, having a conversation, when a drunk approaches them.

"Hey (hiccup), do you two serve the church?"

"Yes."

"Well, I'm the Son of God, so you guys are serving me."

"No, my friend, you are not."

"Really, I am. I can prove it."

"Okay, go ahead and prove it to us."

"Alright (hiccup), follow me."

The two pries...

The Pirates' conversation…

Pirate: The cannons be ready, Captain…

Captain: ARE!!!

Homeless man strikes up a conversation with a lady

A homeless man starts speaking to a young lady in a bar one night. The homeless man mentions he feels it's unfair that he be homeless, seeing as he has a college degree. Startled, the young lady asks, "Well, what did you study in college?" The homeless man replies, "I had a major in Biotechnology an...

Why shouldn't you have a conversation under a tree in the fall?

There may be leavesdropping

My son screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...

Lmao I’m not actually a dad I just thought this was a really good joke.

Conversation with my 5 year old.

He's playing with his little Darth Vader helmet and puts it on my glass of water.

Me: Don't do that.

Him: Why not?

Me: You're going to make it taste like Sith.

Him: Wait! There's Sith on this?

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.