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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attit...

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address.

He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read: “Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was a...

A suicide bombing instructor addresses a group of new recruits.

"All right lads pay attention cos I'm only gonna show you this once"

I started a new job as an Amazon delivery driver today. When I got to my first address there was a note saying ‘Dear delivery man, we’re out, please hide in garbage’

That was eight hours ago and still no one has found me

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TIFU by sending my nudes to everyone in my address book

Cost me a fortune in stamps

Did you know all the web addresses are piled together in Russia?

They're callrd the Url mountains

My problem might need addressing...

Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.

Gettysburg address

1201 Wainwright Avenue

The Wrong E-mail Address

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago. Because both had jobs, they found it difficult coordinating their travel
schedules. It w...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural.

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?"
Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: "Who here has spoken with a ghost?"

Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here has touched a ghos...

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and...

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students...

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing

out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and

the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking

this rule will be fined $20 the first ti...

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in...

If r/Jokes had an address, what would it be?

5 Repo St, Everymonth

If you receive a picture of some meat in a tin from me to your email address...

... don't worry, it's just spam.

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The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.


Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.


One day Sid revealed his secret desire to ...

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A dying mothers final wish

The mother specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, her daughter realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman tra...

A suicide bomber instructor addressing his class said.....

"Alright everyone, watch me closely because I'm only going to do this once"

A man gets arrested for selling alcohol without a permit. He gets a lawyer who tells to not to worry, he’s got a fool-proof defense. The day of the trial arrives, and the lawyer address the jury. “Ladies and gentlemen, take a good long look at my client...

...do you think, if he had even a drop of alcohol in his possession, that he would sell it?”

House Speaker: I now invite Bill de Blasio, the president of the United States to give his address to the nation.

Bill de Blasio : 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC. Thank you!!

I have this crush on a girl at work, so I got her address

She seemed a little creeped out when she saw it was a wedding dress though.

A beautiful woman is addressed at a bar

The man: "I'd like to invite you for a drink."

Then the woman in a very loud voice: "What, to the hotel? !!!" Then the man: "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean that".

The woman again in a very loud voice: "What, to the hotel? !!!!". The man sits at his table in frustration.

The woman spea...

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Nuns at the pearly gates

A group of nuns were in a coach, driving high up on a mountain, when all of a sudden the coach swerved off the road and went over the side of the mountain, crashing below and sadly killing everybody inside.

The nuns now found themselves waiting outside the pearly gates, which opened and showe...

Two Priests decided to go to Goa on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests......

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.

They were sitting on the beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the ...

Hey Redditors, how do you address a group of imbeciles?

Oh wait, I told that out of order.

How do you address a group of imbeciles?

Why did Lincoln give the Gettysburg Address?

Because the Gettysburg was naked

My best dad joke

What did the house wear on her date?





Address

A man is jogging through the woods.

He comes up on a clearing where he sees a figure and as he gets closer, he realizes it is a seriously ugly witch. On her right shoulder sits an equally ugly crow.

When he is about to run past her, the witch immediately addresses him: “If you can correctly name the animal on my shoulder, you c...

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his...

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Autopsy professor

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students.

Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. 'There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.' Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and...

Three Most Important People

God was looking down on the earth and decided everything was too messed up to let it continue. He decided giving an ultimatum to humans would do the trick, so he called up who he thought were the three most important people on earth to tell them. God called up Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin, and Dona...

In 2015, while addressing graduates of SMU, George W. Bush said;

"To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the 'C' students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States."



Then Donald Trump came and said “Bush has denied us, Americans our right to be POTUS!”

Natalie

A guy hails a cab at the airport and tells the driver to go to a certain address. When he gets there he sees a beautiful three story townhouse in a upper-class part of town. He knocks and an attractive woman opens the door.

‟I want to see Natalie”

The lady looks the man up and down, he...

Females in theNavy

The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private OFF LIMITS area on all aircraft carriers. Addressing all boat personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised, "The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males. Anybody caught breaking this rule will b...

My mother in law began to address the elephant in the room

I asked her why she was talking to herself.

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A woman had three daughters getting married the same day. Naturally she was worried about their sex life. It was agreed that they would send a discrete message.

Two weeks after the triple wedding the first message arrives. An ad for Maxwell House with the slogan "Good till the last drop." She's happy for her girl.

A month passes and a second message arrives with a Marlboro ad. "Marlboro: Extra long, extra strong." She's a little embarrassed, but happ...

Do you know why Hindu worship Lord Ganesha first

Because we have to first address the elephant in the room

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I was at a bar last night and saw this MILF sitting at a table drinking by herself. I walked up to her and said, "Your ass is like the State of the Union Address."...

I'm gonna tear that shit up later.

How does the court jester address the King of Ducks?

Mal’Lard

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A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re-phrase that."

The woman sa...

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A couples therapist believes the amount of sex you have is directly related to happiness, so he decides to test his theory at his next seminar.

He addresses the crowd in attendance and asks "How many couples here tonight have sex once a day?"

To the therapists delight, about half of the crowd raise their hands with wide, toothy grins across their faces.

The therapist then asks "How many have sex once a week?"

Roughly a ...

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Trump is playing golf with a nun

Trump waddles up to the tee, puts down his ball, addresses the ball, swings mightily and misses.
"God dammit I missed" he shouts.
The nun looks stern, but says nothing.
Trump again lines up with the ball, swings, misses.
"GOD DAMMIT I MISSED" he shouts again.
Again the nun looks u...

3 Women goto Heaven where they’re addressed by St Peter

He says “we have 1 major rule here in heaven, there are a lot of Turkeys up here. Do not step on the Turkeys there will be consequences “

Accepting this rule the women nod their heads and go on into heaven. About 5 days later the first of the 3 women step on a Turkey. She is immediately calle...

A biker is riding by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries ...

A biker is riding by the zoo when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lio...

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Mutiny on the high seas!

Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking across the channel 300 crates of potatoes which were shaped like male appendages, and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a ...

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A lawyer on an aeroplane

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from L.A. To New York. The lawyer decides to pass the time by asking her if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks...

I sent a joke to my friend...

I saw a funny joke and decided to mail it to my friend. I wrote a letter and gave it to the post office. The postman took the letter and went to do his rounds. As the postman arrived at my friends address, he decided to take a peek inside. As he read the letter, he burst out laughing and decided to ...

The short version of a long joke

Bernie brags at a bar that he knows lots of celebrities, including Clint Eastwood. When Phil calls him a liar, they bet on it, and Bernie takes him to Clint's house, where Bernie receives a warm welcome.

Weeks later Bernie brags about knowing the queen of England. Sure enough, Phil scoffs at...

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a desperate woman puts an ad on craigslist.

she writes: "all i want is a man who won't hit me, won't abandon me, and has a large penis. if these conditions apply to you here's my address"

a few days later she hears a loud knock on the door

man: hello i saw your personal ad and i think we're perfect for each other, as you can see...

A man awoke one evening to dis...

A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary. The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?" He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator...

A teacher addresses her students after they've come back from lunch

She lays out the agenda for the lesson:

"Alright everyone, I'm going to ask each of you what you did during lunch. I'll them ask you to write something on the board related to what you did - if you spell the word correctly, you'll get a biscuit."

The children all seem quite excited by ...

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A man going on a business trip visits a witch doctor for his wife

He explains to the witch doctor that his wife has a very high sex drive and he wants to make sure she can satisfy herself while hes gone. No ordinary item will do.

The witch doctor nods and says "I have just the right thing." And he pulls out a box. "This is a voodoo dick. It is quite easy to...

I got a letter that was just addressed to "You Idiot".

What bothers me is that the post office knew where to deliver it.

My Mom's favorite joke

There was a woman named Betty Lou, whose life had recently fallen into a downward spiral of horrible luck. She had been laid off after working for the same company for several years. She began binge eating to cope, and as a result become terribly overweight. This made it more difficult for her to ac...

Officer: Soldier can you break a $20? Soldier: Absolutely buddy! Officer: Thats no way to address an officer. Let’s try this again. Can you break a $20?

Soldier: No, SIR!

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Post office workers are going through the mail and find a letter addressed simply To Santa

Since they've nowhere to send it to, they open the letter and find the most tragic childish scribbling:

"Dear Santa,
My name is Timmy and I live in an orphanage. I have no mom or dad. We have barely any heating and it gets very cold. I know you are very busy, but could you please send me a...

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A line of four recently-deceased souls lines up at the gates of Heaven, awaiting their judgement...

St. Peter addressed the first man in line. “While you were alive all you cared about was getting drunk. You loved alcohol so much that you married a woman named Brandy.” St. Peter promptly turned the man away.
To the second man St. Peter said, “While you were alive the only thing you truly cared...

There's a new cemetery in my town especially for people who died of obesity.

If you're looking for the address, it's 1 Pasta Way.

Forgive me for this...

One hot summer day, a cop gets a call about an indecent exposure. He rushes over to the address and is directed to the house next door where he sees an old woman, eating watermelon, dress hitched up to her waist, and no underwear on.

He walks up the driveway towards this woman about to arrest...

A guy in a bar overheard someone say: "If you want to succeed you should go to this address..."

Ambitious as he was he immediately wrote down the address on a napkin and left.

It wasn't too late so he headed to the address and knocked on the door shouting "I want to succeed! I want to succeed!".

After a few seconds a guy opens the door an says:
"Ok man, ok... I'm Sid."

A Southern Baptist minister was addressing his congregation.

"Today I am a sad man. And I’m gonna tell you why I am a sad man. I am a sad man because a member of this church has been spreading the word that I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan. That person has not had the courage to speak this falsehood to my face, so I call upon them to stand up now before you ...

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Jesus addresses the angry mob who is stoning a prostitute:

“Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” A stone flies through the air and hits the woman. Jesus turns around and says, “Sometimes you really piss me off Mother.”

A Scary Midnight Story

A taxi driver is going home at midnight when he decides to take a shortcut through a cemetery. He's driving slowly through the dark when he suddenly stops in shock. In front of his headlights is a lady in white hailing him down.

Before he has time to think, the woman climbs in and says in a ...

Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you ar...

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I went on the sex offender registry and found the addresses of all the sex offenders in my area, and sent them all hate mail.

Just to make sure they read it, I wrote the letters in crayon.

A U.S. Army Sargeant was addressing to his new recruits:

He asked them basic questions, like their name and where are they from, things of that nature.

Then, he got to Oliver, who came all the way from Australia.

Sarge: Did you come here to die, recruit?

Oliver: Nah, mate, i came 'ere yesterdai

I got totally drunk last night at a party...

So, as a responsible person, I didn’t want to drive home and called a cab. I was so drunk I couldn’t remember my address, so the cab drove me around the city all night long.... only in the morning, waking up in the cab did I remember... the party was at my place!

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Mind Control

In a small town, people became increasingly unhappy with the mayor's administration. Sensing the people's disgruntlement, the mayor started to get worried about his post. He called for the council meeting to address this growing problem. The council agreed that it's mostly because people are not obe...

Where is the best place to go pee?

IP Address

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An Irishman and an American are talking at a music festival.

Irishman: I tell ya man it sucks that we're not allowed to bring our own beer into this festival. All of the beer here is overpriced and tastes like piss.

American: I know what you mean my friend, so in this case I'll help you out.

*The American pulls out a pair of binoculars and un ca...

A suicide bomber school instructor addresses his students

“Today will be a demonstration. Pay very close attention because I’m only going to show you this once.”

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On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.

He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.” All the...

A mail man is delivering a package when he realises that the send to address is the same as the send back to address

This package keeps getting sent around in a circle for weeks before he finally sees a man come and get it.

“I’m sorry for snooping , but I have to ask, why do you keep sending this one package to yourself everyday. It’s just weird,”

The odd old man replies” well my fellow man, reposts ...

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and ent...

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.



Sincerely,



The Internet Provider

Manafort and Cohen flip on the President. Trump is convicted of treason. He is 'hung by the neck until dead.' Miraculously, minutes after his hanging, he walks out of the gallows and addresses the press:

"Fake noose, folks."

A guy is asked to give an address at his best friend's wedding.

He grabs the microphone, clears his throat and, in the smoothest voice he can muster:

- Number 23, Maple Street, 2nd floor, apartment number 3.

The groom is dumbfound, looking at his friend.

- That's the address of you wife's lover, bro.

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Be Polite

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,

"I HAVE to be o...

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There are three women in therapy

The therapist says to the women you all have addictions. He says to the first woman your addiction is an addiction to money which is represented in your daughters name, Penny. He says to the second you have an addiction to food which is also represented in your daughters name sweetie.

Before ...

Stalin was addressing an assembly of peasants in Russia...

And a man in the crowd sneezed. Stalin asked: who sneezed?

No one responded. Stalin says to one of his KGB cronies 'walk up to the crowd, and shoot everyone in the front row.' So the guy shoots everyone in the front row.

'Now', Stalin says, 'who sneezed?' Again, no one responded. 'Sh...

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A man wins an online contest but enters the wrong email address to access the code.

He realizes that his account is on yahoo instead of gmail and now someone else has received the code to access the $5000 prize. He drives to his office disheartened and asks his secretary if he should just send an email to the account requesting the person to forward the code. Then his frustration i...

My doctor tells me my visceral fat needs addressing...

... I'm considering Ranch or Thousand Island, do you have any other recommendations?

The one about the mental patients and the baseball game

There once was a doctor at a mental hospital, who had to take care of the craziest and most mentally unstable patients in the hospital, which they called the "nuts." The doctor, along with his assistant, would soon get through a breakthrough by giving them simple orders and addressing them as "nuts....

A taxi driver usually picked up his passengers from red light districts (area of escort houses and prostitution).

One day while waiting for passenger, a completely naked girl with no single piece of cloth on her body gets inside the cab at mid night. The girl says to the driver, "Take me to this .... address please". The driver turns back and looks at the girl top to bottom curiously. The girl asks," Is somethi...

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Fred and Charlie had been having a few beers at the bar together when suddenly they both had to take a piss.

Standing next to each other at the urinal, Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Charlie was very well endowed.

"I say, that's a remarkable donger you have there old boy,” remarked Fred.

"Wasn't always that way,” replied Charlie, “Medical science can do wonders with transplants these ...

The CEO of a major corporation is asked to give an address to shareholders at the yearly meeting.

He asks the company press officer to write him a twenty-minute speech. When the CEO returns from the convention, he is furious at the press officer.



“Are you trying to kill my career?” the CEO barks. “I asked for a twenty-minute speech and you give me an hour-long speech. People were ...

Did you know that Jeff Bezos has been ennobled?

You can now address him as Sir Plus.

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On Christmas Eve, a postman is collecting letters from the post box when he comes across a letter addressed to Father Christmas

Intrigued, he opens it, to find, scrawled in orange crayon, the words

"Dear Santa,

My family is very poor, so this year I don't want any presents. Please could you just send me £20 so I can give it to my parents?

Love Kevin".

Touched, the postman searches his pockets, wh...

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Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

She spoke for almost an hour about her plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. She referred to her time as a U.S. Senator and how she had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.

 

Although Hillary was vague a...

I should never have given my real email address to Rolex.

Now I'm forever placed on some kind of watch list.

A man and his wife plan a trip to the South.

Sadly, because of work, the wife has to leave one day after the husband. This was before cell phones, so he had to borrow a computer to send her an email. However, he makes a small spelling mistake in the email address and the email is sent to someone else. That someone was the wife of a priest who ...

At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

I met a cross dresser from the Greater Manchester area today.

He had a Wigan address.

What is O.J. Simpson's internet address?

Slash slash backslash slash slash escape

I've noticed most guys get territorial if you undress their girlfriend before them.

Sorry, I meant address.

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