On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students...

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing

out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and

the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking

this rule will be fined $20 the first ti...

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in...

A beautiful woman is addressed at a bar

The man: "I'd like to invite you for a drink."

Then the woman in a very loud voice: "What, to the hotel? !!!" Then the man: "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean that".

The woman again in a very loud voice: "What, to the hotel? !!!!". The man sits at his table in frustration.

The woman spea...

A suicide bomber instructor addressing his class said.....

"Alright everyone, watch me closely because I'm only going to do this once"

I have this crush on a girl at work, so I got her address

She seemed a little creeped out when she saw it was a wedding dress though.

I accidentally sent everyone in my address book a nude photo of myself

Not only was it embarrassing but it cost me a fortune in stamps

Did you hear the judge’s recent linguistic faux pas, when they were addressing a recently convicted defendant?

“I Order you to serve 2 years incarcerated, 2 years active probation, 1 year of passive probation, 400 hours of community service, evidence of completion of an education service approved by the court, submit to a mental health evaluation...,” etc., etc..

Yeah, it was a run-on sentence.

Hey Redditors, how do you address a group of imbeciles?

Oh wait, I told that out of order.

How do you address a group of imbeciles?

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There are three women in therapy

The therapist says to the women you all have addictions. He says to the first woman your addiction is an addiction to money which is represented in your daughters name, Penny. He says to the second you have an addiction to food which is also represented in your daughters name sweetie.

Before ...

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all...

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

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I was at a bar last night and saw this MILF sitting at a table drinking by herself. I walked up to her and said, "Your ass is like the State of the Union Address."...

I'm gonna tear that shit up later.

How does the court jester address the King of Ducks?

Mal’Lard

Why did Lincoln give the Gettysburg Address?

Because the Gettysburg was naked

In 2015, while addressing graduates of SMU, George W. Bush said;

"To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the 'C' students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States."



Then Donald Trump came and said “Bush has denied us, Americans our right to be POTUS!”

My mother in law began to address the elephant in the room

I asked her why she was talking to herself.

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and ent...

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Post office workers are going through the mail and find a letter addressed simply To Santa

Since they've nowhere to send it to, they open the letter and find the most tragic childish scribbling:

"Dear Santa,
My name is Timmy and I live in an orphanage. I have no mom or dad. We have barely any heating and it gets very cold. I know you are very busy, but could you please send me a...

What does a house wear to a party?

Address

A teacher addresses her students after they've come back from lunch

She lays out the agenda for the lesson:

"Alright everyone, I'm going to ask each of you what you did during lunch. I'll them ask you to write something on the board related to what you did - if you spell the word correctly, you'll get a biscuit."

The children all seem quite excited by ...

Officer: Soldier can you break a $20? Soldier: Absolutely buddy! Officer: Thats no way to address an officer. Let’s try this again. Can you break a $20?

Soldier: No, SIR!

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Jesus addresses the angry mob who is stoning a prostitute:

“Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” A stone flies through the air and hits the woman. Jesus turns around and says, “Sometimes you really piss me off Mother.”

Wrong E-mail Address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota...

3 Women goto Heaven where they’re addressed by St Peter

He says “we have 1 major rule here in heaven, there are a lot of Turkeys up here. Do not step on the Turkeys there will be consequences “

Accepting this rule the women nod their heads and go on into heaven. About 5 days later the first of the 3 women step on a Turkey. She is immediately calle...

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Mental health hotline.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizoph...

Love at Last!

George, age 92 and Edith, age 89 are all excited about their decision to get married.They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. George suggests they go in and he addresses the man behind the counter.

"Are you the owner? "The pharmacist answers, "Yes". <...

Are you salad??

Cause I'm addressing you!

Shoe Store

When I was young my parents started up a shoe store, which wasn’t overly successful but they made ends meet. Due to various economic pressures they had to outsource labour overseas to China. My father, Bob, could speak Mandarin so always conversed with the manager of the production plant in their na...

A Jewish woman, Mrs. Babs Goldstein, has a problem with kleptomania.

She is brought before the court for stealing. The magistrate asks her, "So, what did you steal, Mrs. Goldstein?"

"Oh your honor... it was *just* a can of peaches."

"*Just* a can of peaches, you say," says the magistrate, somewhat perturbed. "Hmmm.... How many peaches would you guess we...

the CEO of ryanair walked into a bar

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."

Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"We d...

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I went on the sex offender registry and found the addresses of all the sex offenders in my area, and sent them all hate mail.

Just to make sure they read it, I wrote the letters in crayon.

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.



Sincerely,



The Internet Provider

A guy in a bar overheard someone say: "If you want to succeed you should go to this address..."

Ambitious as he was he immediately wrote down the address on a napkin and left.

It wasn't too late so he headed to the address and knocked on the door shouting "I want to succeed! I want to succeed!".

After a few seconds a guy opens the door an says:
"Ok man, ok... I'm Sid."

I got a letter that was just addressed to "You Idiot".

What bothers me is that the post office knew where to deliver it.

A mail man is delivering a package when he realises that the send to address is the same as the send back to address

This package keeps getting sent around in a circle for weeks before he finally sees a man come and get it.

“I’m sorry for snooping , but I have to ask, why do you keep sending this one package to yourself everyday. It’s just weird,”

The odd old man replies” well my fellow man, reposts ...

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Stingy man on his deathbed

An extremely cheap old man was on his deathbed, a few minutes away from drawing his last breath.

Throughout his life, he spent as little as possible and never said how much money he had, so his family were waiting for him to finally tell them about his wealth.

With all his relatives a...

A U.S. Army Sargeant was addressing to his new recruits:

He asked them basic questions, like their name and where are they from, things of that nature.

Then, he got to Oliver, who came all the way from Australia.

Sarge: Did you come here to die, recruit?

Oliver: Nah, mate, i came 'ere yesterdai

Told this joke every summer as a camp counselor; never failed

This cheerio works 9-5 at a factory doing the same mundane task every day of every year. One day, this smoking hot frosted cheerio walks in and the normal cheerio falls for her instantly. He walks up to her and says:

“Hey, want to grab something to eat later?” And she says:

“Actually,...

Dirty Limerick Competition

Every year in this small village there used to be a dirty limerick competition and the same guy used to win competition every year. Last year he sent in his most disgusting flithy limerick ever and was stunned to find out he'd only come second. As the limericks were never published, the editor could...

A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.

Including my name, address and phone number.

There was a little boy who needed $10 and he prayed to God for two weeks to get the money...

But nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God to ask for the $10. When the post office was to sort out the boy's letter addressed to 'God, America', they decided to deliver it to President Donald Trump. The President was impressed, touched and entertained by the boy's letter. He tol...

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A man sees a nun hitchhiking

He stops to pick her up, and she gives him the address she's going to.

Halfway there, the man starts to feel a little desperate, and says 'Sister, I know this is inappropriate, but I'm dying and I've never had sex. Do you think we could do it?'

The nun thinks for a moment, and asks 'ar...

A suicide bomber school instructor addresses his students

“Today will be a demonstration. Pay very close attention because I’m only going to show you this once.”

A Southern Baptist minister was addressing his congregation.

"Today I am a sad man. And I’m gonna tell you why I am a sad man. I am a sad man because a member of this church has been spreading the word that I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan. That person has not had the courage to speak this falsehood to my face, so I call upon them to stand up now before you ...

My doctor tells me my visceral fat needs addressing...

... I'm considering Ranch or Thousand Island, do you have any other recommendations?

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day....

First day on the job.

A young man was starting his first job as a bellhop. Keen to make a good impression he asked the supervisor for any tips. Be polite and address the customer by their name was the response. How do I know their names? the boy asked. Check the name tag on their luggage replied the supervisor.
<...

A guy is asked to give an address at his best friend's wedding.

He grabs the microphone, clears his throat and, in the smoothest voice he can muster:

- Number 23, Maple Street, 2nd floor, apartment number 3.

The groom is dumbfound, looking at his friend.

- That's the address of you wife's lover, bro.

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An extremely attractive young blond woman goes to a massage parlor.

She explains that this will be her first massage, and she really has no idea what to expect. The masseur tells her she'll need to disrobe and lie on the table. The young woman blushes, but strips off all of her clothes, struts across the room, and lies on the massage table.

The masseur can't...

90 year old couple was in a hospital

Husband was gently calling wife as darling or cutie pie or honey every time he addresses her. There was a young couple sitting near them and observing them.
The old couple was leaving and the young guy was curious about the old man’s romance being alive at that age so he stopped the old man and a...

The CEO of a major corporation is asked to give an address to shareholders at the yearly meeting.

He asks the company press officer to write him a twenty-minute speech. When the CEO returns from the convention, he is furious at the press officer.



“Are you trying to kill my career?” the CEO barks. “I asked for a twenty-minute speech and you give me an hour-long speech. People were ...

Breaking news KIM JONG UN just lost 50 lbs

He is now addressed as Slim Jong Un

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A man wins an online contest but enters the wrong email address to access the code.

He realizes that his account is on yahoo instead of gmail and now someone else has received the code to access the $5000 prize. He drives to his office disheartened and asks his secretary if he should just send an email to the account requesting the person to forward the code. Then his frustration i...

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On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.

He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.” All the...

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New COVID19-Related Service

I am thinking about offering a new service in my city to help with the whole COVID19 thing.

Basically, if you're someone who is hoarding toilet paper, you send me your name and address and I come to your house and fucking beat the shit out of you. Now you no longer need that toilet paper, so...

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On Christmas Eve, a postman is collecting letters from the post box when he comes across a letter addressed to Father Christmas

Intrigued, he opens it, to find, scrawled in orange crayon, the words

"Dear Santa,

My family is very poor, so this year I don't want any presents. Please could you just send me £20 so I can give it to my parents?

Love Kevin".

Touched, the postman searches his pockets, wh...

[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

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Only Australians and/or New Zealanders will get this joke

A large man walks into a bar and looks for a place to sit. Every stool and table is taken but at the end of the bar is a little man drinking a beer by himself. So, the big man walks up behind him and slaps him across the back of head and he falls to the floor.

The little man gets up rubbing h...

A case of shingles

A good ole boy by the name of Bubba walked into a Doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and as...

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U2 are holding a concert in Scotland.

Halfway through the show, as the other band members take a break, Bono takes to the stage and begins clapping his hands. A steady, rythmic clap. He leans into the microphone and addresses the crowd:

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies".

From somewhere in the crowd, a v...

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An little orphan boy writes a letter to santa on christmas

"Dear santa,
I have no money this Christmas for any toys. please send me $100 so I can buy something" He takes the letter, addresses it to Santa Claus North Pole and drops it in the mailbox. At the post office, while sifting through mail, they ran into the boys letter and they opened it. Touched...

A group of people are going through an introductory course to join the police force.

The first lesson they are being taught is about how to handle various situations in an appropriate, safe, and legal manner.

The instructor presents them with a scenario. They are dealing with an opponent with a weapon that can be used in close range, such as a knife. On the board in the front...

Manafort and Cohen flip on the President. Trump is convicted of treason. He is 'hung by the neck until dead.' Miraculously, minutes after his hanging, he walks out of the gallows and addresses the press:

"Fake noose, folks."

Stalin was addressing an assembly of peasants in Russia...

And a man in the crowd sneezed. Stalin asked: who sneezed?

No one responded. Stalin says to one of his KGB cronies 'walk up to the crowd, and shoot everyone in the front row.' So the guy shoots everyone in the front row.

'Now', Stalin says, 'who sneezed?' Again, no one responded. 'Sh...

Why didn't Donald Trump address the Veterans in the rain?

Have you ever seen what happens to cotton candy when it gets wet?

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

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A man wins an online lottery of $5000 but finds out her entered the wrong email address.

He comes home disappointed and tells his son to send an email kindly requesting him to transfer all the money to his account, since he is the rightful recipient of the cash prize. However, his panic attack kicks in as he realizes he probably won't accept their request, and he tells his son to just s...

Putin visits Estonia

Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".



"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".



"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".

Beware

CORONA VIRUS WARNING!!!!

I don't want to alarm anyone but the coronavirus will soon spread in an irreversible way.
The first means of contamination are bank notes, don't touch them. Wear gloves and place all notes in a snap lock bag. Leave them in your letterbox and message me your address...

A guy goes into a bar and sits down next to a guy who's obviously been drinking for a while.

The drunk gets up from his stool to go to the bathroom and falls down 3 times. The guy says to himself "I'll help this guy get home safely" and helps him out to his car...the guy falls down five more times. He drives him up to the address on his license, takes him up to the door...the guy falls dow...

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dresse...

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Wedding night

One guy is playing tennis and gets hit hard on the penis, causing 'penile muscle trauma'. In agony, he addresses the doctor:

\- Doctor, see what you can do for me ... I will get married at the end of the week; my fiancee is a virgin and I cannot disappoint her.

\- Don't worry, I'll t...

What is O.J. Simpson's internet address?

Slash slash backslash slash slash escape

At a wedding reception, the groom’s grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying “the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.”

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, “yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.”

The Biker and the Lion

A Harley Biker is sitting on his Harley, drinking a beer, by the Zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
<...

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Dear Jebediah

Dear Jebediah,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here t...

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The Queens Breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.



Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.



One day Nick revealed his secret ...

I actually had some good luck asking girls for their address instead of their phone number.

Some of them said "Good luck on that."

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A large group of first year medical school students filed into a lab...

...during their first week, for the first meeting of their gross anatomy class where they would be examining human cadavers. The professor walked to the front of the room, and addressed the students:


"The most important quality you will need as a physician is unfazability. Nothing can '...

I should never have given my real email address to Rolex.

Now I'm forever placed on some kind of watch list.

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Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

She spoke for almost an hour about her plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. She referred to her time as a U.S. Senator and how she had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.

&nbsp;

Although Hillary was vague a...

I wanted to add a new state to the US, I mean I am practically a resident as I am always in it.

But the state of confusion does not have a physical address.

I can't find the army base, so I've typed the address into my GPS.

Apparently I need to go left, left, left, right, left.

A soapbox orator addresses a crowd on the glories of communism

“Come the revolution, everyone will eat strawberries and cream!” A man at the front whimpers, “But I don’t like strawberries and cream.” The speaker thunders, “Come the revolution, you will like strawberries and cream!”

Once Upon A Time there was a International Poets Contest. All the poets from across the lands came to compete bringing there best original work to compete against their peers. For 40 days and nights they competed eliminating Poet after Poet.

On the 40th day they had narrowed it down to only 2 poets. Both poets read poems back to back for 12 hours, each poem as good as the last. After the 12th hour the judge’s became exhausted and realized that this may never end as both poets were equally amazing. They had to decide a winner and they ha...

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Wrong place

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good “house of ill repute.” He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St., the office of a chiropodist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised bu...

A couple was preparing to take a beach vacation in California...

The wife had something come up at work the day of their departure. The couple pondered what to do before deciding that the husband should go ahead and take the flight to their destination and the wife would follow the next day.

The husband had a nice flight, consuming four bags of peanuts wh...

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A crowded united airlines flight was cancelled.

A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy t...

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A Valentine’s Day Story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

A man and his wife were travelling down to sunny California for their honeymoon.

The husband arranged to go to their hotel a day earlier to prepare, and upon arrival sent his wife a quick email. But unfortunately he misspelled the address, and it got sent to a grieving widow, who's pastor husband had died the day before.

When the widow checked her email, she let out a shr...

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A lawyer was driving more than 120 miles per hour when he was stopped by a traffic cop.

"You were beyond the speed allowed. License and registration please." - said the officer.

"Well, it's expired." said the lawyer

"Documents of the vehicle please" - said the officer

"This is not my car."

"Please sir, open the glove compartment."

"I can't, there's a ...

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An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students.

Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. ’There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.’ Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. ’Now you must do the same,’ he told the class.
After a couple of minute...

So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby.

For instance my name, address and telephone number!

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A cowboy enters a saloon with a living crocodile. He sits down at the bar, puts the crocodile on the bar and asks for a beer.

“Hey!” yells the bartender. “Away with that beast, that thing is dangerous!”

“Don’t be crazy,” said the cowboy, “this animal is as tame as a dog.”

“Get rid of that crocodile now,” said the bartender again, “it’s too dangerous to have a living crocodile sitting around in my bar. If yo...

Jewish Thinking

A Jewish couple is sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and this plane will be going down momentarily.

L...

Hairstyle Competition

Hello, my name is John and I would like to tell you about the time I entered a hairstyle competition. You see, I have always loved trying out different hairstyles and colors. It is something I have put great effort into!

It was about February of last year that the idea of entering a hairstyle...

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