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Address Jokes

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

He says, "The female dormitory would be prohibited for all male students, and the male dormitory would be prohibited for the female students."

Continuing further, he says, "Anyone caught breaking this rule would be fined $50 the first time."
"Anyone caught breaking this rule the second tim...

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I accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book.

Not only was it embarrassing, but it also cost me a fortune in stamps.

At a girls' boarding school, a WW2 flying ace has been invited to give the Prize Day address

"I was flying along in my Spitfire, and visibility was poor, but all of a sudden the fog lifted, and I saw these fokkers coming up behind me. I dived on them and shot two of the fokkers down, then did a quick roll, but there was a little fokker right on my tail, and I had to ..."

At this poi...

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail with illegible addresses…

One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

“Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which...

Stalin was addressing an assembly of peasants in Russia...

And a man in the crowd sneezed. Stalin asked: who sneezed?

No one responded. Stalin says to one of his KGB cronies 'walk up to the crowd, and shoot everyone in the front row.' So the guy shoots everyone in the front row.

'Now', Stalin says, 'who sneezed?' Again, no one responded. 'Sh...

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

I got a letter that was just addressed to "You Idiot".

What bothers me is that the post office knew where to deliver it.

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us...

Be careful about emails from weird addresses with long links or strange files attached

They could be from your parents

A hacker once told me my full name and IP address

Jokes on him, I already knew both of those things

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attit...

Wrong E-mail Address

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota...

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum

Friends, Romans
and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty
Caesar"

Brutus turn...

After an inspiring church service, the wealthiest man in town stood up to address the congregation.

"I can still recall the day when I earned my first dollar," he began.

"That same evening, I attended a church meeting where the speaker talked about his humanitarian efforts. At that moment, I had only that one dollar to my name, and I had to make a tough decision: give it to the speaker's ca...

How do you address an audience full of dried seeds?

"Ladies and lentil-men...."

A man is on his deathbed addressing his young wife for the last time

"My darling wife, you are the love of my life and our bond is eternal. I don't want you to be with any other man after I'm gone. Will you promise me that?"

"Yes, of course", the wife replies with tears in her eyes.

"If you break this promise, I will roll over in my grave."

"You ...

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up a letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
<...

Gettysburg address

1201 Wainwright Avenue

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Do you have an email address?

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that...

After a long flight, the Captain comes onto the PA to address the passengers

I've got good news and bad news...the bad news we are completely lost and had just enough fuel to get to the destination. The good news we are almost out of gas so we should be getting close.

Address to a Tumble Dryer — a poem

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

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Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

She spoke for almost an hour about her plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. She referred to her time as a U.S. Senator and how she had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate.

&nbsp;

Although Hillary was vague a...

My problem might need addressing...

Ran out of toilet paper and started using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.

How do you address the queen of cows?

Your moojesty.

A Southern Baptist minister was addressing his congregation.

"Today I am a sad man. And I’m gonna tell you why I am a sad man. I am a sad man because a member of this church has been spreading the word that I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan. That person has not had the courage to speak this falsehood to my face, so I call upon them to stand up now before you ...

First of all, let me address the elephant

(oﾟvﾟ)ノ Hi there!

Ok now what were we talking about?

When my girlfriend got pregnant everything changed

My address, my phone number..

I should never have given my real email address to Rolex.

Now I'm forever placed on some kind of watch list.

The doctor said, "To address the inflammation, try rubbing your joints."

I'd rather just use a lighter.

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For extra cash consider robbing sex offenders.

Their address is easy to find, and they can't own guns.

Only downside is politicians usually have good security.

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.



Sincerely,



The Internet Provider

Wrong email address.

A couple going on vacation but his wife was on a business trip so he went to the destination first and his wife would meet him the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note w...

A suicide bomber instructor addressing his class said.....

"Alright everyone, watch me closely because I'm only going to do this once"

A suicide bombing instructor addresses a group of new recruits.

"All right lads pay attention cos I'm only gonna show you this once"

Hey Redditors, how do you address a group of imbeciles?

Oh wait, I told that out of order.

How do you address a group of imbeciles?

What did the plastic surgery addicts meeting leader say when she addressed the group?

I see some new faces here and I’m very disappointed!

What's the Gettysburg address?

39°49'03.3" N 77°13'54.7" W

Putin visits Estonia

Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".



"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".



"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".

Why did Lincoln give the Gettysburg Address?

Because the Gettysburg was naked

advisor: Mr. President, you need to give a Christmas address to the nation.

Trump: Just tell them to send my presents to Mar-a-Lago.

Did you know all the web addresses are piled together in Russia?

They're callrd the Url mountains

A mail man is delivering a package when he realises that the send to address is the same as the send back to address

This package keeps getting sent around in a circle for weeks before he finally sees a man come and get it.

“I’m sorry for snooping , but I have to ask, why do you keep sending this one package to yourself everyday. It’s just weird,”

The odd old man replies” well my fellow man, reposts ...

As an Italian, I am often confused when people have trouble addressing my dwarf father

I mean, it's a little apparent.

I got a letter the other day without a return address on it. I assumed it was from the Philippines...

It was in a Manila envelope.

I asked my dad what our IP Address was...

He just pointed at the toilet.

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A 21-year-old Texan was still a virgin, so he travelled to a brothel in Dallas to see what he’d been missing.

He got the address of a reputable place and in no time at all he was in bed with an attractive hooker. She sensed he was inexperienced, so she took his hand and placed it on her money maker. “Is that what you’re looking for?” He said “I don’t know ma’am. I’m a stranger in these parts.”

What pronouns do you use to address a chocolate bar?

Her/she

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On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system

as usual to greet the passengers. He tells them their altitude, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather. He advises them to relax and have a good flight.
Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his copilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blo...

A woman comes home early, and finds her husband in bed with a girl.

She is furious, threatens to kill them both... the husband says:

\- Believe me, darling, this is just a misunderstanding. I was driving home, and saw this young lady trying to catch a ride. So I decided to give her a lift. I ask her where she needs to go, and she tells me she wants to visit s...

A beautiful woman is addressed at a bar

The man: "I'd like to invite you for a drink."

Then the woman in a very loud voice: "What, to the hotel? !!!" Then the man: "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean that".

The woman again in a very loud voice: "What, to the hotel? !!!!". The man sits at his table in frustration.

The woman spea...

What is O.J. Simpson's internet address?

Slash slash backslash slash slash escape

How does the court jester address the King of Ducks?

Mal’Lard

My wife began to address the elephant in the room.

I asked her why she was talking to herself.

What's your address?

Police: Where do you live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where do your parents live?
Me: with me.
Police: Where do you all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is our house?
Me: Next to my neighbors house.
Police: Where is your neighbors house?
Me: You won't believe me ...

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A sex Ed teacher walks into class with a condom and a banana

He addresses the class and says "today i will show you how to use a condom and i have this banana because i can't get hard on an empty stomach"

A teacher addresses her students after they've come back from lunch

She lays out the agenda for the lesson:

"Alright everyone, I'm going to ask each of you what you did during lunch. I'll them ask you to write something on the board related to what you did - if you spell the word correctly, you'll get a biscuit."

The children all seem quite excited by ...

A suicide bomber school instructor addresses his students

“Today will be a demonstration. Pay very close attention because I’m only going to show you this once.”

Why didn't Donald Trump address the Veterans in the rain?

Have you ever seen what happens to cotton candy when it gets wet?

3 Women goto Heaven where they’re addressed by St Peter

He says “we have 1 major rule here in heaven, there are a lot of Turkeys up here. Do not step on the Turkeys there will be consequences “

Accepting this rule the women nod their heads and go on into heaven. About 5 days later the first of the 3 women step on a Turkey. She is immediately calle...

Everyone needs to forget China's negligence and address the real cause of covid 19

Violent video games

My doctor tells me my visceral fat needs addressing...

... I'm considering Ranch or Thousand Island, do you have any other recommendations?

I have this crush on a girl at work, so I got her address

She seemed a little creeped out when she saw it was a wedding dress though.

In 2015, while addressing graduates of SMU, George W. Bush said;

"To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the 'C' students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States."



Then Donald Trump came and said “Bush has denied us, Americans our right to be POTUS!”

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Jesus addresses the angry mob who is stoning a prostitute:

“Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.” A stone flies through the air and hits the woman. Jesus turns around and says, “Sometimes you really piss me off Mother.”

What do you call a bunch of snakes in a suit?

No, seriously... I'm new at this job and I don't know how to address an email to the CEO.

A third grade teacher addresses her class

..."alright class" she says, "before I let you go for spring break I want to remind you that I'm getting married this weekend and I'm no longer going to be Ms. Stevens I'm going to be Mrs. Prussy"

She writes M R S. P R U S S Y in big cursive letters on the blackboard and says "whomever remem...

How do you address a recently-divorced alcoholic?

"Beerly Deloved"

Yes ma'am, my address is 391 Easy Street...

...that's 'E' as in Eye, 'A' as in Are, 'S' as in Sea, and 'Y' as in You.

How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. We don't address hardware issues.

Trump finally addressed the Russian claims!

He was quoted "I did not have foreign relations with that country."

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural.

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?"
Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: "Who here has spoken with a ghost?"

Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here has touched a ghos...

A soapbox orator addresses a crowd on the glories of communism

“Come the revolution, everyone will eat strawberries and cream!” A man at the front whimpers, “But I don’t like strawberries and cream.” The speaker thunders, “Come the revolution, you will like strawberries and cream!”

How do men in New Zealand address their women?

"Hey! Ewe!"

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Bad E-mail Addresses

Many colleges and business's tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or end to make up an E-Mail address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the problems that may happen when...

A psychologist addresses three mothers, telling them that he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.

To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."

To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."

And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs he...

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Post office workers are going through the mail and find a letter addressed simply To Santa

Since they've nowhere to send it to, they open the letter and find the most tragic childish scribbling:

"Dear Santa,
My name is Timmy and I live in an orphanage. I have no mom or dad. We have barely any heating and it gets very cold. I know you are very busy, but could you please send me a...

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Three sailors are discussing their cargo

They are used to transporting goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 300 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.

"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.

"I'll never be able to live ...

My eyesight improves if I strap an address book to my face.

I wear contacts.

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Stood in the dock he was addressed by the judge

Stood in the dock he was addressed by the judge and looked up solemnly as he listened, hands clasped together in modest anticipation.

"You are a father, and stand accused of making too many Dad Jokes. How do you plead?"
He looked across at his nervous family before facing the judge again. ...

House Speaker: I now invite Bill de Blasio, the president of the United States to give his address to the nation.

Bill de Blasio : 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC. Thank you!!

The CEO of a major corporation is asked to give an address to shareholders at the yearly meeting.

He asks the company press officer to write him a twenty-minute speech. When the CEO returns from the convention, he is furious at the press officer.



“Are you trying to kill my career?” the CEO barks. “I asked for a twenty-minute speech and you give me an hour-long speech. People were ...

A guy in a bar overheard someone say: "If you want to succeed you should go to this address..."

Ambitious as he was he immediately wrote down the address on a napkin and left.

It wasn't too late so he headed to the address and knocked on the door shouting "I want to succeed! I want to succeed!".

After a few seconds a guy opens the door an says:
"Ok man, ok... I'm Sid."

A sperm was undergoing training for conception

His instructor said, 'When the siren goes off, rush out the tunnel and swim until you find a red sticky ball. Address the ball and say "I'm a sperm" to which the ball will reply "I'm the egg". You will then work together to form the embryo. Do you understand?'

The sperm nodded. Days later, th...

I actually had some good luck asking girls for their address instead of their phone number.

Some of them said "Good luck on that."

Did you hear the judge’s recent linguistic faux pas, when they were addressing a recently convicted defendant?

“I Order you to serve 2 years incarcerated, 2 years active probation, 1 year of passive probation, 400 hours of community service, evidence of completion of an education service approved by the court, submit to a mental health evaluation...,” etc., etc..

Yeah, it was a run-on sentence.

Lady and the Farmer

A farmer stopped by a hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. Then he stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store, he wondered how to carry all his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head, h...

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Snoop Dogg should have given the official response to Trump's Presidential Address to Congress...

He has probably participated in more Joint Sessions than just about anyone.

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