UPJOKE
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How do pirates prefer to communicate?

Aye to Aye!

A psychologist friend of mine just got a grant to work out how mice communicate

Not much money in it though. He can barely eke out a living.

Why do you have to use email to communicate with a flat earther?

You can't reach them with fax.

What did the Hershey’s bar, the marshmallow, and the cookie use to communicate?

S'morse Code

How do guilt-ridden spies communicate with each other?

Remorse code

The Smith family is having a reunion.

The matriarch is a 110 year old woman who is confined to a wheelchair and cannot speak, so she uses a pen and notepad to communicate.

While watching her great grandchildren play, she begins to leeeaaan to the left. So cousin Joe lifts her back up and puts a pillow on her left side. Later she ...

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?...

How do viking ships communicate with each other?

Norse code

I'm gonna keep making these jokes until one blows up

My friend jack claims he can communicate with vegetables..

Jack and the beans talk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asks a Welsh farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals....

How do pigs communicate?

By using swine language.

How did Vikings communicate over long distances?

Norse code.

Sorry everyone!

How do cells communicate with each other?

Cellphones!

I feel so bad for the deaf people who need to read lips to communicate, because of all of the face masks right now.

Let's give them all a moment of silence.

How do Knights communicate ?

Chain mail

What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate!

A husband shows his wife a study which indicates that on the average men use fifteen thousand words a day, whereas women use thirty thousand.

The wife thinks about this and then tells her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
<...

Good reason for a divorce?

A woman says to her lawyer "I want to divorce my husband."

‟On what grounds?”

‟Grounds? We have a couple of acres outside the town, but it does have a big lawn and some fruit trees so it's not like empty ground."

‟No, that's not what I meant. Do you have a grudge?”

‟Yes, ...

What language do Eeyore and Marvin the Robot use to communicate with each other?

Morose Code

My grandfather could communicate with ghosts, who would often ask him about his clothes sizing.

He was a medium.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Deaf People Get Married

Two Deaf people get married
During 1st week of marrige they found they are unable to communicate in bedroom with the lights out as they can't see each other signing and lipsing.
After several nights of fumbling and misunderstanding they finally came up with a solution
The wife said
Why ...

How do two stars communicate?

They make light conversation...

I’ll see myself out...er space.

(If it’s been done before, sorry; I literally just thought of it, lol.)

How does Mario communicate with his recently deceased sibling?

Luigi Board.

How do ants communicate with each other?

With their antennae of course!

What's used to communicate between Hades and Olympus?

A Persephone.

Why do vegans only communicate with each other online?

Because they never meat

Today I learned Italians have more than 250 specific hand gestures to communicate non-verbally, I asked my German friend if they had anything like it in Germany..

He said they have one but they are not allowed to use it

I use Twitter a lot and my wife complained that my life revolving around Twitter has destroyed the way we communicate as a family.

So I blocked her.

How does a deaf gynecologist communicate with his patients?

He reads lips

Did you hear about the woman who went down on the dude with a painted face who only used his hands and facial expressions to communicate?

It was mime-blowing

What do you call a serious of dots and dashes that Vikings used to communicate with?

Norse Code

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two deaf people get married and are confused on how to communicate about sex.

The wife says with sign language,"Now that we're married, we need a quick way to communicate whether we want to have sex or don't want to have sex." She thinks for a moment,"Okay when you want to have sex, pinch my right nipple. When you don't want to have sex, pinch my left nipple."

The hu...

How do trees communicate?

They bark.

Two spies got caught using a book code to communicate

Clearly they weren't on the same page.

How to communicate effectively with your teenage son as an anti-vaxxer:

1. Ouija Board

Back in the 60s,my little brother thought he could communicate with the trees and i used to think he had some mental issues...

That is until i was drafted to Vietnam

How to communicate with God

A poster is found in all French churches. The translation is:

"By entering this church it may be possible that you hear "the call of God". However, it is less probable that He will call you on your mobile. Thank you for turning off your phones. If you want to talk to God, enter, choose a qui...

How do people in Wisconsin communicate with each other?

Using a Milwaukee talkie.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A soldier was standing guard next to a river in a remote area

A man trekking through the wilderness saw the soldier.

Surprised to see anyone, he called across to ask what he was doing there, but the soldier didn't respond.

It was a wide river, so maybe the soldier couldn't hear him. He decided to try using hand gestures to communicate instead.<...

Using a Ouija board, I tried to communicate with the dead. It spelled out "Ah ah ah yeah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive"...

Must have bought a Bee Gee board by mistake...

What’s a mathematician’s favorite way to communicate?

Sine language.

How did pirates communicate before the internet?

Pier to Pier Networking

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend has been ignoring my attempts to communicate with her. I think she has been ghosting me for several weeks now all because I asked her to send nudes.

So I said screw it, I’m done trying to communicate and threw out my Ouija board.

Why couldn't the fighter jet pilot communicate with his co-pilot?

He hadn't broken the sound barrier yet.

What animal can a cow communicate with?

A MOOse.

An astronaut was trying to communicate with the control room but the connection kept breaking up.

Annoyed, he yelled out "What on Earth are you talking about?".

You know, people are always telling me how I dont communicate right or dont understand emotions.

You know what i say to that?

Kiss my ASPERGERS!

(Joke curtousy of my Autistic coworker and good friend)

How do you communicate with a fish?

Drop him a line.

How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?

With a Nor-Ouija board.

What device did God use to communicate with millennials?

A tablet.

But not from Apple.

What did Canadians use to communicate during the various wars they fought?

Moose Code.

How do an American and Russian communicate without a translator?

Using Korean.

I gave my mute classmate a blackboard to communicate...

But he still won't chalk to me.

When Trump communicates with the American people, he follows the primary rule of mushroom farming . . .

# "Keep 'em in the dark and feed 'em horsesh*t".

Which app does Thanos use to communicate with half of the universe? (Infinity War Spoilers)

Snapchat

How did the inmates communicate to their families after visiting hours?

Cell phones.

If your mom could communicate with the dead

she would be an extra large.

How to blackboards communicate?

They chalk to each other

What language does a Southerner use to communicate with a Mexican?

Espan-*ya'll*.

How do prisoners communicate?

CELL-phones

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

Mario, Wario and Luigi went to northern Norway to visit Father Christmas.

Luigi read a big book of Norwegian ethnography before the visit. Wario read a big book about Father Christmas. Mario read a big book about Scandinavian languages.

They had a great time meeting Father Christmas and visiting the workshops, where they spent a little time watching the elves doin...

What device does Mario use to communicate with the dead?

A Lou-ouija board.

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