UPJOKE
messagesignlanguagevoicecommunicatingtransmissionwirelessinformationcommunicatecontactexpostulationsystemcontagionmiscommunicationcommunicator

What is Thor's favorite method of communication?

Norse code.

The secret is communication

My wife and I have such a wonderful marriage. I always know what she is thinking, because she always tell me.
She always knows what I'm thinking, because she tells me that too.

[Interview] Boss: I see you majored in communication.

Man: No. Miscommunication.

Boss: But your CV clearly says ‘Communication’.

Man: See?

Russian Ministry of Communication announces proof that Putin invented the telephone.

Played recording of three messages on answering machine left by Alexander Graham Bell.

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Interspecies communication breakthrough!

I just sat on the toilet and realized my butt speaks fluent Humpback Whale!

Tools of communication

For effective communication it is important to have the right tools of communication. Personally, I love my sledge hammer. It shortens annoying conversations immensely.

Two friends having gotten tired of using instant communication, decided to use old fashioned means of messaging each other, such as pigeons.

For a few days, it is great. Then one day, a pigeon shows up at one friends house with a blank piece of paper.

Angry, the receiver phones his friend to ask what was the meaning of the message.

To which his friend calmly replies, "Oh, that was a missed call."

The power of right communication

An elderly man was on the operation table awaiting a very life threatening complicated surgery on him and he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.

'Yes, Dad, What is it?'

'Dont...

How to troll a Communications major

You: So what's your major?

Them: Communications.

You: What? (as though you didn't hear them)

Them: Communications.

You: What?

*Repeat until they realize what you're doing and hit you.*

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My wife is always saying “ Communication is the most important thing in our relationship.”

Then why do I have to spend all day figuring out why she is pissed?

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An aircraft control tower suddenly last communication with a small twin engine aircraft

A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone!
He yelled,Mayday, mayday!
The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and h...

All good teams require good communication...

So why in the hell do we keep losing to the school for deaf kids!?!?

Don't read this, it's too long and not at all funny.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out. So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to...

If you're ever locked outside your home

Just calmly talk with the lock.
Because communication is key

First the first time in US history communication with the President has been completely lost.

>!The senate has been scrambling since the presidents ban from Twitter, as it’s unclear when the White House will resurface.!<



>!Edit: I don’t know how to prevent the post body from being visible from the subs main page. Also, thanks for sorting by new!<

A guide to effective academic communication

Academic phrases and their translations

==================================

* It has long been known = I haven't bothered to look up the reference


* It is believed = I think


* It is generally believed = A couple of other guys think so too


* It is n...

What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Television

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman

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NSFW. Establishing Good Clear Communication is the Key to a Happy Marriage.

At his wedding reception the groom's uncle (who's had more than a few drinks) pulls the groom aside.

"My boy in this day & age I have pass along to you the benefit of my experience.
You know it's best to establish clear communication with your new wife. Cause once the honeymoon period ...

What's the fastest form of communication?

Sign language....since it travels at the speed of light.

The Rich Shoeshiner

Every morning, the CEO of a major bank in Manhattan went to the corner where a shoeshine man was always there .

He used to sit on the chair , read the Wall Street Journal , and the shoeshine man gave his shoes a shiny , great look .

One morning, the shoeshine man asks the CEO: "What ...

I tried taking a communication class in college....

But ended up hating discourse!!

MS Joke

A helicopter with a pilot and a passenger was flying around above a large city when a malfunction disabled all of it's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get to their destination.

...

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your wife told me you separated due to lack of communication.

“holy shit, we separated?!”

A gorgeous woman goes to a Doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse...

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the good doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."

"Okay, It was at Walmart."

What do you call a communications engineer who is timely but sucks at their job?

Someone who makes dead lines.

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The german submarine in the Atlantic brings in a new communications guy.

It's his first day on the job and he's given instructions on which istrument does what and chart for morse code. Very excited about the job, he tunes in and is left to his own by his CO after a bit.

In a few hours, he receives his first message. "This is the Royal navy. Mayday Mayday, we are ...

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A contest is announced for all the police agencies in the world

A contest is announced for all the police agencies in the world and after all the qualifying rounds were completed three police agencies were shortlisted for the finals, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, France National Police and NYPD.

Just so it happened that a tiger was terrorizing a near...

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are stuck on an island 100 miles away from mainland with no communication to anyone else.

The brunette gets fed up with staying on the island with no one to save them so she starts swimming towards the mainland

she gets about 30 miles in, gets too tired and drowns

The redhead also gets too bored on the island and decides to swim for it

she gets 60 miles in and gets t...

What's one form of communication God will never use to speak with you?

Fax

army recruitment

If a war breaks out, I think they will take me to communication because I'm an electrical technician. When it was the last war, my grandfather was probably also in communication because he had two lightning bolts on his helmet.

Two men have been selected for an expedition to the North Pole

Their names are George Bernard and William Briggs. On this journey they’ve been given a state of the art ship to cross through iceberg laden waters unscathed and plenty of supplies for the trip. On the 20th of December George and William set off on their expedition. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to the...

What are the three fastest methods of communication?

Telegraph

Telephone

Tell a woman

When you're in a relationship, you don't need a secure channel to talk to your partner.

Communication is already encrypted.

A Question of Communication

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. He asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?

She replied, "About four acres with a little home in the middle of the property."

"No," said the judge. "I mean, what is the foundation of this case?"

"It's made of ...

Soviet era joke from my friend

A man walked into the Kremlin and told the receptionist: "I am a spy, I want to surrender to the Soviet government". The receptionist asked "Alright, what's your nationality?" "I'm American" the man replied. The receptionist checked his booklet and said "American spy, surrendering... Go to room 107....

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

The European Union commissioners announce that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications...

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil ser...

So there's this bar in New York called Walter's...

So there's this bar in New York called Walter's - it's named after the guy who runs the place, Walter Green. He's an older guy who doesn't understand a lot of technological stuff, and so the bar is plain and simple, just as it was when he first opened it back in the 1960s. One of Walter's regular cu...

Communication 101

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying. Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?" So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I smoke while I pray?" But the Priest says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter dis...

How do gangsters receive communications?

Gmail

The key to marriage is communication.

Don't have any, so you can't fight about what was said.

My supervisor said I'm getting a poor appraisal because my communication skills are so weak

I didn't know what to say to that

Holy Cow! I just found out I've been appointed to be communications director at the white house...

it's not that I'm qualified or anything, it's just my turn...

Probably done before: What's a pirate's LEAST favourite letter?

Dear Mr Redbeard,

It has come to our attention that you have been illegally duplicating and reselling copywrited movies without permission.

As such, and utilising the full jurisdiction of the Federal Communications Authority, you are subpoenaed to appear before the Federal Supreme Cour...

I'm developing some flash cards to improve communication and understanding with my dog

Not much to speak of yet, I just have a handful of ruff sketches.

A helicopter flying over Seattle,with all communication devices down.because of the fog and rain he lost his position.

Desperate the pilot writes on a piece of paper "Where am I?" and sticks it on the windshield. He sees a tall building and surrounds it. The people inside see the note and hurry to help the pilot and they write on the window: " You're inside a helicopter ". The pilot makes a loop and safely lands. Ev...

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Deaf communication

A happily married deaf couple one night realized that at night after the lights went out they had no way if communicating their sexual intent to one another. They agree to set a physical contact language they could use in the darkness. The wife says to her beloved "If you want some booty when its...

I wanted to send over an invoice to the Westboro Baptist Church using an old-fashioned method of communication, but they told me...

God hates fax.

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