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An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication

with a small twin engine aircraft.A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cell phone.

He yelled, "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his...

Tools of communication

For effective communication it is important to have the right tools of communication. Personally, I love my sledge hammer. It shortens annoying conversations immensely.

What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Television

2) Telephone

3) Telawoman

After building the wall, Trump to build an electromagnetic barrier to prevent foreign bees from entering the U.S. by sending waves that interfere with their communication.

Trump is strictly against Global Swarming

I'm developing some flash cards to improve communication and understanding with my dog

Not much to speak of yet, I just have a handful of ruff sketches.

What form of communication was used in Atlantis?

Hydroglyphs

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your wife told me you separated due to lack of communication.

“holy shit, we separated?!”

A guide to effective academic communication

Academic phrases and their translations

==================================

* It has long been known = I haven't bothered to look up the reference


* It is believed = I think


* It is generally believed = A couple of other guys think so too


* It is n...

The power of right communication

An elderly man was on the operation table awaiting a very life threatening complicated surgery on him and he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.

'Yes, Dad, What is it?'

'Dont...

How do gangsters receive communications?

Gmail

The European Union commissioners announce that an agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications...

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c." Sertainly, sivil se...

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and ...

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are stuck on an island 100 miles away from mainland with no communication to anyone else.

The brunette gets fed up with staying on the island with no one to save them so she starts swimming towards the mainland

she gets about 30 miles in, gets too tired and drowns

The redhead also gets too bored on the island and decides to swim for it

she gets 60 miles in and gets t...

Have you seen Stephen Hawking's new communication device?

It really speaks for itself.

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

A priest is stranded in the middle of the ocean with no food, water, or any form of communication.

This priest is praying to God, asking to be saved. Shortly after, a boat comes along and the captain stops to see if he can help the priest.

"Do you need help, sir?" Asked the captain.

"No, God will save me." Replied the priest determined that such was true.

"Alright." Said th...

Communication 101

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying. Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?" So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I smoke while I pray?" But the Priest says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter dis...

Holy Cow! I just found out I've been appointed to be communications director at the white house...

it's not that I'm qualified or anything, it's just my turn...

The key to marriage is communication.

Don't have any, so you can't fight about what was said.

My supervisor said I'm getting a poor appraisal because my communication skills are so weak

I didn't know what to say to that

A Question of Communication

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. He asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?

She replied, "About four acres with a little home in the middle of the property."

"No," said the judge. "I mean, what is the foundation of this case?"

"It's made of ...

Hey, did you hear? Hope Hicks is set to resign as White House Communications Director.

I guess you could say Trump has No Hope Left. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

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Communication Problem!

There was this Asian lady married to an Spanish gentleman and they lived in Spain. The poor lady was not very proficient in Spanish, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork...

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Deaf communication

A happily married deaf couple one night realized that at night after the lights went out they had no way if communicating their sexual intent to one another. They agree to set a physical contact language they could use in the darkness. The wife says to her beloved "If you want some booty when its...

Winds of 108mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering...

Yes, I forgot our anniversary again.

Eldarion, son of Aragorn, High King of the Reunited Kingdom, was bored.

In a time of peace, there was not much to do, and he was long tired of his jesters. So he called for all of his subordinates, and announced a new prestigious title to which all are given candidacy; the title of “Duke of the Best Joke”.

 

Not wanting to disappoint, Finance Mini...

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

I wanted to send over an invoice to the Westboro Baptist Church using an old-fashioned method of communication, but they told me...

God hates fax.

A helicopter flying over Seattle,with all communication devices down.because of the fog and rain he lost his position.

Desperate the pilot writes on a piece of paper "Where am I?" and sticks it on the windshield. He sees a tall building and surrounds it. The people inside see the note and hurry to help the pilot and they write on the window: " You're inside a helicopter ". The pilot makes a loop and safely lands. Ev...

Intelligent Crows

When I was in school, some professors noticed that the crows on campus were astoundingly intelligent. These crows recognized that when lights were green, cars could go and when they were red, cars would stop. Using this knowledge, the crows would put nuts on the crosswalk so that during a green ligh...

Four Aliens

The are four aliens passing by our solar system. The don’t know a word of English. Their spaceship malfunctions and they manage to eject the escape pods before they crash land on Earth. Each alien lands in a different spot on the planet. They each decide they might as well try to learn some English ...

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A frog is born mute

A frog is born mute so he can’t make any noises that a frog typically makes because, well, he can’t make any noises at all. So naturally it’s very difficult for the frog to make friends with the other frogs and he ends up with just one friend; a tortoise who’s had the patience and the wherewithal to...

Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.

For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.

Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases ...

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A childhood story my teacher shared

My intercultural communication teacher told us this today. Thought I'd share.

When he was about 16, he and his friends got the bright idea of egging some military vehicle. Once the eggs flew and hit their mark, a few marines in training around their early 20s rushed from the vehicle and appre...

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A man signs up to be a special effects supervisor in a studio.

A man, Dave, signs up to be a special fx supervisor in a film making studio. His job was to study different “boards” each containing different sound effects, and he was to pick out the most pleasing and configure them to his preferences.

The first day, Dave went to work and he was directed to...

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..

..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 fe...

Rob and Samantha ...

Rob and Samantha Henders just got married but they were having some communication issues – that’s a nice way of saying they were fighting. One day, they were in the car driving down a country road, each not saying a word after a particularly intense fight.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and p...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Israeli are having lunch...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Israeli are having lunch. They get to talking about which civilization was the most technologically advanced.

The Englishman proclaims, "Surely England was the most technologically advanced nation. Why, our archaeologists dug 1,000 meters into the earth un...

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way...

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called R. Jokes Communications.

After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright.

But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and qui...

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What do you say to someone who talks too much ?

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosa. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescen...

What do you call it when the Pope sends letters to his forbidden past lovers?

Ex-communication

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Sex with my wife is like the “England World Cup squad “

neither of us know why we're there or what we're doing, there's little passion or communication and we rarely even make it past the first stage.

It's often accompanied by lots of unnecessary noise, horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet.

It's always over far too quickly and when ...

Travel to Mars

After years of work and billions of dollars, we can send a single astronaut to Mars and back. Jimmy is chosen to go on the mission with zero possibility of communication until he returns 10 years later. With a huge celebration, the shuttle takes off and the wait begins. After 10 years, Jimmy returns...

Poor little Jimmy dies..

Jimmy was very excited about his first day of school. Jimmy has some difficulty with communication due to his disabilities caused by birth.

Jimmy's mum gives him a kiss and waits outside their home for his bus to arrive. Jimmy's mum reminds Jimmy to just wave at the bus driver a smile saying,...

Man's best friend

Another roughly translated joke from my native language

A man spends most of his day working, so he teaches his dog a thing or two about communication, so he could check on his wife while he was at work.
So, he sits the dog down, and teaches him, "Woof is for yes, woof woof is for no." The...

Homecoming

There is terrible accident in ISS, leaving only one American astronaut alive. All the communications are dead, but he has lots of food, water and oxygen to survive. Finally after two years he is able manufacture escape pod and lands in rural Texas.


He makes his way to closest town and ent...

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The Marine Corp and the radio

One month into Marine Corps training in San Diego, we were preparing for a ten-mile march in 100-degree weather when a jeep drove up with a big - sophisticated looking radio in the back.

"Who knows anything about radios?" our drill instructor asked.

Several hands went up, and anticipat...

Hillary's emails finally lead to an arrest.

Roger Stone was arrested for his communications with the Trump campaign regarding Wikileaks and Hillary Clinton’s emails.

After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted...

...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.

The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."

What letter do pirate's hate the most?

Dear Charter Internet Customer:

Charter Communications ("Charter") has been notified by a copyright owner, or its authorized agent, that your Internet account may have been involved in the exchange of unauthorized copies of copyrighted material (e.g., music, movies, or software). We are a...

A group of soldiers was fighting against a group of rebels...

They had been fighting for a few years now, and many people, including innocent citizens, had lost their lives during this period. The soldiers tried and tried to rid the city of the rebels, but the latter was a strong resistance and were hard to defeat. Regardless of the many new personnel, bases a...

I got fired from work today..

My boss said my communication skills were awful.


I didn't know what to say to that.

I have an old tree that became diseased and was losing its bark.

I felt it needed a bark transplant and called a tree surgeon. The communication was mangled and when the surgeon arrived, he went to work on a tree across the street. He was halfway done when I noticed the error. I tried to stop him, yelling "Stop! Stop! You're barking up the wrong tree!"

I'l...

An avid bird watcher heard an owl hoot

So he thought he'd give a hoot back. To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again. The next night the same scenario occurred.

All Summer, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversations."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a ...

The problem with the White House these days...

... is their lack of communication.

A Dutchman, a Frenchman and a Belgian are at the channel...

The Frenchman says: "You see that there? That's the channel. The first person to swim across to Britain gets a crate of beer."
The Dutchman and the Belgian agree, and decide to use small radios to keep communication going.
They all set up on the coast, and start the race.

The Dutchman ...

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The Police, the Interpol and the CIA are participating in a contest.

The Police, the Interpol and the CIA are participating in a contest to see which agency is best at tracking down criminals. So they devise a contest where they release a mouse in the jungle and after 30 minutes each agency goes out to find it. The agency that takes the least time catching the mou...

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Is it too soon to joke about 9/11?

There's an urban legend amongst pilots from that day that goes something like this:

It's 9/11. All aircraft have been grounded and diverted to other airports. As news of the tragedy begins to spread, a somber mood permeates all flight crews as they whisper amongst themselves and discretely on...

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NSA

In some small town, there was a military base next to a small farm. The NSA got reports that the farm has been listening all the bases communications. So bunch of NSA agents show at the doorstep of the farm. One young agent goes to the farmer and tells him:

"I am from the NSA and we have repo...

Young Billy discovers the power of prayers

One day Billy's teacher yells at him for not doing his homework. He feels upset and when in bed he prays' Dear God, please kill my teacher"

When he goes to the school, he learns that his teacher passed away. He comes back home amazed by the power of his new forms of communication.

Se...

An American spy turns himself in to the KGB

A man came to Lubyanka (KGB building) and says:

“I am an American spy, I want to turn myself in.”

The KGB officer on duty tells him, “CIA? Well then, go to the fifth room.”

He went to the fifth room, and told the officers there: “I am an American spy, I want to turn myself in.”<...

How many NSA agents does it take to change a light bulb?

I've just been informed that the NSA no longer has the capability to change a light bulb, but if we give them access to everyone's email and cell phone communications they will hopefully intercept a message that will crack this lightbulb case wide open.

How do you lose your wife, your kid, and your job in one week?

Become the White House Communications Director.

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The future of technology (long)

Bill Gates, Andy Grove, and Jerry Sanders (Heads of Microsoft, Intel, and Advanced Micro Devices) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussion, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Jerry is sitting. Jerry says, "Oh, that's my beeper. Gentlemen, excuse me, I...

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LPT: Make sure you properly understand job ads.

* Entry level position = We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
* Experience required = We do not know the first thing about any of this.
* Compensation commensurate with experience = You're still not experienced enough so take this low pay.
* Generous benefits = We will give you ...

Life support issues

Last night I was in the living room, talking to my wife about life. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying. I told her : 'Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the co...

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A Black Soldier vs. An Indian

Some black soldiers and an Indian tribe are in a war. A black solider has dug in and is on the front line in a foxhole. The Indian is out patrolling to make contact with the enemy. The two soldiers come across one another and hold their ground. There's obviously an inability to verbally communic...

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African, Mexican, and Asian Guy are Kidnapped

One day, an African guy, a Mexican guy, and an Asian guy are kidnapped. In a Saw - esque means of communication, (An old, staticy TV with the kidnapper speaking with a distorted voice and mask), the kidnapper says,

"Today I'm feeling rather unorthodox, if each of your dicks lengths, when add...

There have been so many recent terror attacks in the US

It *almost* makes you wish we had some kind of national agency that could monitor people's communication and act to stop things like this before they happen

So a woman consults a lawyer saying that she wanted a divorce...

Lawyer: Do you have grounds?

Woman: Yeah, we have an acre and a half

L: No, that's not what I meant. Look, do you have a grudge?

W: Yeah, we have one for 2 cars behind the house

L: No. Look lady, does your husband beat you up?

W: No, I get up about a half hour befo...

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A Man Goes to the Circus

A man goes to the circus. It's his first time, and he's pretty nervous about it. During an intermission, one of the clowns approaches the microphone and says "We are giving a special prize to the person sitting in section A, Row 12, seat D."

It's the man! He stands up, very nervous, and the c...

Moon race

During Cold War when the space race was at its highest. Following is an report of communication between Houston and US moon rocket.

USMR: Houston, we see the SSSR ship approaching the Moon.

Houston: You have your orders. Just wait.

USMR: Houston, the SSSR ship is in the Moon orb...

Scientists have finally released a list of ten MOST IMPORTANT things a human must have in order to live long. NUMBER 7 WILL DEFINITELY SHOCK YOU!!!

1. protection from elements
2. air
3. water
4. food
5. cloth
6. communication
7. electricity
8. cats
9. feels
10. dank memes

Reasons to allow drinking at work

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what managem...

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Deaf newlyweds

A deaf couple had just gotten married. They were pretty conservative, so they didn't have sex until their wedding night. Being conservative, the wife insisted they keep the lights off, which made communication in the bedroom a little tough for two deaf people, to say the least.

After the thi...

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A German guy, an Italian guy, and a Chinese guy are playing golf...

Around the 5th hole, this strange ringing goes off and the German guy starts speaking into his hand. The Italian guy and the Chinese guy are both wondering, "what the f*ck is this guy doing?"

The German guy explains, "It's totally awesome! My government made a phone that fits inside of your h...

Job Application Humor

========================================================================

Cover letter: "I would be prepared to meet with you at your earliest
convenience to discuss what I can do to your company."

That's what we're afraid of ...

===============================================...

The Lone Ranger gets caught.

The Lone Ranger is caught by a group of Crow braves and buried up to his neck in sand. The leader of the braves tells him he has one last dying request, and so coolly and calmly he whistles to his horse Silver and Silver trots over and the Lone Ranger whispers something in his ear.

Immediate...

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Male chauvinist pig jokes.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Wha t are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?...

Talking to women

A newlywed man was talking with an old war veteran about what to excpect in his upcoming marriage. After talking about several different topics the veteran turns to the newlywed and says the most complicated thing that you will come across in marriage is communication. Puzzled the newlywed askes wh...

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