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A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead."

He shakes his head and thinks "I must have read that wrong."

He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It's Miraculous!"

He decides he has to see this so he pull...

When I was a kid my mom used to say " Perdon my French" when she said any bad word.

I'll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.

Just found out that "Aaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh" isn't a real word.

I can't tell you how angry I am.

What’s the most terrifying word in experimental nuclear physics?

Oops!

(Shameless karma farming on cake day)

What is the German word for a bra?

stoppenfromfloppen

Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.

Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.

Charlie: When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.

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The word "Boobs" is a three dimensional diagram

The "B" shows how they look from above, the "oo" how they look from the front and the "b" how they look from the side.

There's only one word in the English language that begins with U and ends in E.

Unbelievable, right?!

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Little Johnny was sitting in class when his teacher starts asking the class words for each letter of the alphabet.

asking the class words for each letter of the alphabet. She starts with A and little Johnny hand shoots up. The teacher thinks he is going to say ass I can't call on him. She calls on another student and she says.

"Apple. I gave my teacher an apple."

Teacher responds good job and moves...

I’ve heard the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Which is a shame, because I was hoping to use it as a book title.

"Meatloaf" is the best safe word.

Because I would do anything for love, but I won't do THAT!!!

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[NSFW] A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"<...

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How did the word "Boob" originate?

I believe it was from an engineer. "B" is the top view, "oo" is the front view and "b" is the side view

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In 2017, Trump went to meet Vladimir Putin in Moscow...

... They had dinner at the Kremlin and sat down afterwards alone for drinks and cigars and to discuss business.

After a little bit Putin asks Trump "hey, you wanna see something?" and he rings a little bell that's sitting on the coffee table.

A beautiful blond walks in to the room, kne...

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I don't understand how so many people struggle to find basic words in the dictionary.

I had no less than 5 people tell me that "gullible" is not in the dictionary. The smug assholes just laughed when I proved their dumb asses wrong.

Mexican word of the day: Chicken Finger

I caught my wife cheating on me, I don't need her no more, Chicken Finger herself

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions......... 1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? 2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?r>
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make som...

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I’ll never forget my grandpas last words.

Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!

A young novice joins a Silent Monastery. He is permitted to speak two words every 10 years.

After the first Decade he is admitted to the Abbot's study, sits across from him at his desk, and says: "Soup cold". After the second Decade, he does the same and says: "Bed hard". Once thirty years have passed, he stands at the threshold and declares: "I'm leaving"! Whereupon the Abbot slowly looks...

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Grown-up words

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
“You need to use 'grownup' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana...

A man was on his death bed trying to say his final words before passing away

He lifted his head and asked : "is my wife, with whom I spent my best and worst moments here?", his wife held his hand and said with tears in her eyes and sadness in her voice "yes honey I'm here"

he took a deep breath, then lifted his head again and asked : "are my children, who have s...

My chemistry teacher told me I had to write a 1,000 word essay on acid.

Unfortunately, my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

An elderly couple were arranging their funeral and deciding on what words to put on their headstones

Husband suggests "Here lies Beryl, silent at last"

Wife suggests "Here lies Barry, stiff at last"

What word begins with the letter "F" and ends in "UCK"?

Firetruck

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

What's a six-letter word that means a false feeling of accomplishment?

Wordle.

I spent two years figuring out the opposite word for night.

But after all that time I decided to give up and call it a day.

What’s the longest word in the English language?

Smiles. There’s a mile between the S’s.

Donald Trump is visiting a school

In one class, he teaches the young students about a new word: 'tragedy'. Then, he asks them to use it in a sentence.

One brave girl raises her hand and offers, "If a school bus carrying 20 people drove off of a cliff and killed everyone in it, then that would be a tragedy."

"No," Tru...

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My 5 year old told me - "Dad, peacock has a bad word in it"

"So I'm just going to call it a cock."

A: Are you the one responsible for using word contractions inappropriately?

B: I'm.

i can still remember my grandfathers last words

are you still holding the ladder?

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I had to pick my son up from school earlier after he was caught swearing.

When we got home I told my wife “apparently he said the C word”

Well that wasn’t clever, was it?”

“No, it was cunt”

An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard:

*"Woman without her man is nothing."* The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.

The men wrote: *"Woman, without her man, is nothing."*

The women wrote: *"Woman! Without her, man is nothing."*

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I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced

by a musical instrument.

Spelling bee judge: "Your word is 'seaward'."

Contestant: "C-U-N..."

Judge: "DEAR GOD PLEASE STOP."

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A teacher asks little Johnny to say a sentence using the word Fascinate.

Little Johnny: "My sister's boobs are so big, that when she puts on her shirt with ten buttons, she can only fasten eight. "

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For this joke, I'll be using the word "bitch" but first, I want to make it cear that I would never disrespect a woman by calling her that. So no one needs to get offended, as I am simply, in fact, talking about a female dog, ok?

All right, so last night I was fuckin' this bitch and...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any test...

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My wife asked me to get a Vladimir Putin tattoo.

When I got home she asked me about it excitedly.

I pulled down my trousers and showed her my crotch, where the word "Gigawatt" had been tattooed on my penis.

"What the fuck is that?" she yelled.

I said, "It's a prick with too much power."

I don't like the word xenophobia!

It just sounds foreign to me

Word joke

A man had 4 sons, and named them Bronson, Kenneth, Conrad and Dominic.
One day, they decided to ask their father if his choice of names meant anything.
He replied, "Only the first three letters of each."

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A Canadian, an American and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration, he spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

T...

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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it ...

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

Fred goes to a doctor.

He says, "Doc, I want to be castrated. "

Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation. "

Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a littlee mbarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5...

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The three words men hate to hear the most during sex.

'Are you in?'

I invented a new word.

Plagiarism.

Whenever I wake with a terrible hangover, I proudly invoke the inspirational last words of the philosopher Socrates who died saying:

"What the hell did I drink?"

A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

[LONG]

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head mo...

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How do you tell the difference between a fisher and a musician?

You ask them to say the word bass.

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

Playing word games

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer then settles down to play a word game on his smart phone. "Hey, did you know that 'boredom' is an anagram of 'bedroom'?" he asks the bartender. "No," the bartender replies. "But I think my wife does."

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Is “buttcheeks” one word?

Or should I just spread them apart?

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Is "buttcheeks" one word or two?

I want to get this cover letter just right.

I went for a job interview and the asked me to state my biggest weakness in three words

'Not very good at maths' I replied

Jesus and the Devil have challenged each other to a typing battle on MS Word

It's a close battle and they're down to the last word, when boom! Power outage!

When the power outage is resolved, all of the Devil's progress was lost, but Jesus only had one word to type!

Moral of the story: Jesus saves, and so should you.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the mat...

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6 Life Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it."

That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

What is big, long, red, spews a liquid from an opening, generates a lot of excitement among people, adults get to have a big one and children get to have a smaller one, makes people wet and is usually associated with "hot", and is related to/contains words that begin with F and end with U,C,K?

A firetruck :D

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

Rebmudneve is a stupid sounding word

But it’s even dumber backwards

A word without women would be a…

Pain in the ass

My interviewer asked me to describe myself in one word.

I replied “vague”

He asked, “can you elaborate?”

I said, “yes.”

Cats can learn up to 50 different words and commands

They just don't want to

A man in an interrogation room says "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present?

does anyone know any good sword-fighting puns? I'm trying to think of words that have...

...a duel meaning.

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t become angry and resort to violins if you don’t notice.

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You know how people always say words they don’t understand like “the juxtaposition of the blah blah blah”

Well my friend of mine told me his dad was getting a colonoscopy. I asked him “what the fuck is a dad?”

TIL That Elbillug is the only word that is pronounced the same forward and backward.

Well, that and Rekcus.

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

Have you ever realised how pretty the second letter of the word hive is?

I've always said that beauty is in the I of the bee holder

What do you call person who's read every word of the Bible cover to cover twice?

Ah athiest.

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Little Johnny is in class when the teacher asks him to use the word "definitely" in a sentence.

Johnny asks the teacher, "Do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher said, "That's not what I asked you."

Johnny responds, "I really need to know if farts have lumps in them."

The teacher gives in and says, "No, they don't"

Johnny says, "Then I **definitely** shit my pants...

At a funeral, a man asks the widow if he may say a word

The widow replies of course.

The man stands up and says "Plethora".

The widow responds "Thanks, that means a lot".

Fun fact about the word "queue"

**Queue** is pronounced from only the letter "q" as the rest four are waiting for their turn!

I just taught myself the meaning of the word "autodidact".

That's it.

I told my friend to rearrange the letters in the word on

He said no

Prison might just be one word to you...

But to some people, it's a long sentence.

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Struggles of passwords

"Set password:"

carrot

"Password must be at least 8 characters."

boiled carrot

"Password must contain at least 1 number."

1 boiled carrot

"Password cannot contain spaces."

50boiledcarrots

"Password must contain at least 1 capital."

50FUC...

A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick Walk Into a Bar

No Joke

Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.

Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'


He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'

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Little Girl And Construction Workers

Here's a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This will make you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of your time...

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construction cr...

Why do British people pronounce the word “Bri’ish” like they do?

Because they drank all the T.

(Told to me by my 11yo)

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A rich man died and left $2 million each to a rabbi, a priest, and an imam

He stipulated in his will that half the money must be buried with him in the grave.

At his funeral, the priest gets up, gives a short speech, and tosses $1 million into the grave.

The imam gets up, says a few words, and drops $1 million into the open grave.

Finally, the rabbi ge...

Banks are so crafty with the way they word things.

Just yesterday I found out my new account doesn't actually have 401K in it.

A Gorilla Walks Into A Bar.

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the...

Everything is relative

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money
to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same
church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could
he see right through the brothers...

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Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand, just so that I can appear more

Photosynthesis

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man...

Now they'll have to pay him 20% more...

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

When receiving payment in gold coins, pirates used to verify their purity by biting into them

In other word, criminals only accepting payment in bit coins goes long way back

Words cannot describe your beauty!...

But numbers can. 3 out of 10.

Most common Last words before death

1. throw me that grenade, i know how to deal with it.
2. it‘s 100% safe!
3. green is always grounding.
4. turn left, I know it there.
5. I slept with your sister.
6. it‘s ok, dogs loves me.
7. oh, they changed color of my pills.
8. Somebody forgot his suitcase.
9. let‘s have ...

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When you say the word "poop" your mouth makes the same shape as when you do the action.

The same is true for the words "explosive diherrea"

What four words can completely destroy a man's confidence?

Is it in yet?

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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered.

She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to...

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What does my penis and words have in common?

My wife hates when I put either in her mouth.

Edit - wife was mom. Same same but different.

*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter”

T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please”

S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!”

To sound wise reverse the words...

To sound words, reverse the wise.

Did you know there are many different words for lungs?

I just can't remember them because I have bad lung term memory

My grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket.

He said

"Watch how far I can kick this bucket!"

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A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief: "This is a tree."


The chief looks at the tree and grunts: "Tree."


The missionary is plea...

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Playing Scrabble earlier I managed to put down "anal" on a triple word score ...

It's still not many points, but it's more about the satisfaction of having anal on the dining room table

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