Student: Are “well” and “actually” both single-syllable words?

Teacher: Well yes , but actually no

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Is buttcheeks one word...

or should I spread them apart?

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What were the final words of the pirate who died taking a piss?

R I P

Use the word 'horticulture' in a sentence

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

- Dorothy Parker

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange i...

Terrorist: "Say your last words!"

Terrorist: "Say your last words!"

Dad: "Your last words!"

Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"

Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"

Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"

Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I sa...

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French!” after a swear word...

I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...

What were Epstein's last words before he committed suicide?

Please don't kill me!

President Trump wakes up one winter morning and looks out the Whitehouse window to see the words "Trump sucks!" Written in urine in the snow.

Outraged, he tasks the Secret Service to find out who is responsible.

Later that day the director of the Secret Service comes into the oval office and asks, "Sir, we have an answer. Do you want the bad news or the worse news?"

"Give me the bad news."

"We got the DNA test back o...

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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

I would like to personally thank the creator of the word "plethora."

It means a lot.

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me :i dont like capitalization in words, it's a waste of time

Teacher:Its important for one really good reason, because it's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.

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My four-year-old was told off for "using bad words" at daycare

I've no idea where the little fucker learned them

I hate the word "xenophobia"

it just sounds so...foreign

I always forget the french word for strawberry

But I eventually remember the fraise

My grandpa died the other day as nobody could figure out his blood type. I won't forget his last words

'Be positive! Be positive!'

What word is always spelled wrong in the dictionary?

Wrong

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. In other words...

...there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

I'll never forget my Uncle's last words to me just before he died.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"

What a strange way to start a conversation with me...

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

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I keep getting the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" mixed up.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia!

What do you call a dinosaur that knows all the words?

A thesaurus.

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My e‌‌x a‌‌nd I‌‌ had a safe word

So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.

I just found out that aargh isn't a real word.

I dont know how to express how angry I am.

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TIL why Americans removed the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour.

Because Fuck U, that's why.

Is there a word to describe answers that are completely correct but entirely useless?

Yes, there is.

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A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

Which three words contains the most letters?

The post office.

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A teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Little Johnny raised his hand. The
teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Johnny before. She
finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word 'fascinate', so
she called on him. Johnny said, "My
Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten
buttons, but her boobs are so big...

Don't interrupt someone working intently on a word puzzle

Chances are, you'll hear some cross words

Serial killer words of wisdom?

Never criticize a victim until you’ve walked a mile in their skin...

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,

But backwards it’s even more stupid.

I will always remember my grandfather’s last words!

STOP MOVING THE LADDER

Word Test

See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is dumbass cat
...

What were the balloon’s last words to his dad...

... watch me Pop!

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A teacher is trying to instruct her class on the meaning of the word "definitely".

"Can anyone give man an example?" She asks.

Suzie raises her "the grass is definitely green."

"Sometimes the grass can be brown," the teacher answers. "Anyone else?"

"The sky is definitely blue." Says Timmy.

"The sky can by gray if it's cloudy, or black at night." Says th...

I will always remember my son's first words

"Where the heck have you been the past 16 years?"

SHE: Undress me with your words...

HE: There's a spider in your bra.

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My friend just sent me an email where he misspelled the word "maneuver" into the word "manure."

What a sack of shit.

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

What word begins and ends with "Y"

Philosopher.

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Dad: I heard that you got punished for saying the F-word in class. That’s wasn’t fun, was it?

Son: No, it was Fuck.

There are 2 things I hate in this world: (1) People who put animal names in words...

...and (2) Hypocrites

What's the German word for brassiere?

Stoppemfrumfloppen

What is Donald Trump's favorite word game?

Mad Libs.

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What’s the best “safe word” to use during sex?

Meatloaf.

I would do anything for love but I won’t do *that*

What is the most interesting word in the English language?

Stroke it just blows your mind

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:

“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the mi...

What is the longest Word in the English langage ?

'' smiles '' because there is a mile between the first and last letter.

They say "icy" is one of the easiest words to spell;

i c y

Teacher asks the class if they can make a sentence with the word contagious in it.

Little Billy puts his hand up, my dad seen our neighbour painting his fence with a small brush and said that will take that contagious.

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When you say the word "poop"

your mouth moves just like your butt-hole does when you poop.

The same is true for "explosive diarrhea".

What are the three shortest words in the English language?

Is it in?

I asked one of my students to use the word contagious in a sentence...

He said: “trump should have reacted quicker to the COVID-19 pandemic, but it took the contagious”

My favorite word is drool.

It just rolls off the tongue.

Guy walks up to a widow at her husbands funeral and says, “May I just say one word?” “Sure,” she replies. “Plethora,” the guy says.

The widow says, “Thanks. That means a lot.”

There are no words in the dictionary that start with “O” and end with “e”

Actually, I can think of one

Teacher: what's the singular of the word 'problems'?

Student: There is no singular, They never comes alone.

Did you know that outperform is one word?

Who ever did that is an idiot.

What is the polish word for key?

Crowbar!

A prince which was in love with a princess was cursed by a witch so that he could only say 1 word each year, he didn´t speak for 4 years until he finally said "Princess, I love you" Then the princess looked at him and said

"What did you say?"







Btw, i took this from a novel i red so some might have heard it before.

Being left handed I was always told I was more creative but all I noticed was that I smudge the words when writing with pencil.

I guess it’s a blessing and a cursive

I asked my dad for some words of wisdom...

He said I can’t, I got those taken out years ago. (True story)

The French version of Jaws finishes with the word FIN.

It's really inappropriate

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard the word “coronavirus” this month ...

... I’d be rich enough to afford a test.

Teacher: Make a sentence with the word "harassment"

**Student**: "her-ass-meant" a lot to me

**Teacher:** Coward!!

What do you call it when a very pregnant woman starts using fake words like “did’ve?”

A Braxton Hicks contraction

My 1.5-year-old is pronouncing the word ZEBRA as ZEBA

My 1.5-year-old is pronouncing the word ZEBRA as ZEBA. Once he is able to pronounce BRA properly, he will pull it off in style.

The limit to my knowledge of the French language, is knowing the word for 'egg'

That's an oeuf

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Wise words from my grandmother.

Not all strippers are prostitutes, and not all Romanian girls are strippers.

Some are also prostitutes.

People think that the word 'queue' is just 'Q' followed by 4 silent letters

But those letters aren't silent, they're just waiting their turn

I was really happy when I discovered a word with all five vowels.

It was euphoria.

Marriage is not a word

It is a life sentence

What’s the difference between the Chinese Government and a Random Word Generator?

At least a random word generator sometimes tells the truth

People think that "ICY" is the simplest word to spell

Come to think of it, I see why

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What's the only "B" word you should call a woman?

Beautiful.

Bitches love to be called beautiful.

Baby Yoda's first word

Probably came after his second word.

What’s 3 words for small

Is it in

I’ve always been told the word icy is easy to spell.

After spelling it myself, now I see why.

Why do politicians words travel at the speed of light?

Because they don’t matter!

Can you make a sentence containing the words defense, defeat and detail?

When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail

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My teacher told me to write a sentence using the word harassment...

So I wrote I know a girl and "her ass meant" a lot to me.

My professor accused me of plagiarizing

His words, not mine.

What four words would break Reddit's heart?

Mr. Rogers touched me.

What is another word for necrophiliacs

Ghost Buster

I wrote a 200,000 word novel about a French actor who is persecuted for his art.

It's called, "Mime and Punishment".

When I am on my death bed surrounded by my friends and family my final words will be

"You guys want to see a dead body?"

Some idiots only write the word lockdown,

Because they can’t spell kwarinteen

A comforting word

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"

"No, go right ahead," the woman replied.

The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora" and sits back down.

"Thanks," the woman said, "that means a l...

One of the most negative words...

..of 2020 is 'positive'.

A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar

No joke.

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite, I'm perfect!

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

What is the hardest word for a stutterer to say?

I'm gonna guess... "Nicaragua."

Play on words

Me: sorry, my dog ate my homework

Prof: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: yeah, it took him a few bytes

The Power of Words

A soldier in the trenches of WWI had lost his rifle in a previous battle. His sergeant ordered his troops to attack. He didn't move. The sargeant screamed at his soldier. The soldier said, "Sarge! I lost my rifle in the last battle." Sarge looks around and finds a wicker broom. He says, "Point this ...

I like to disassociate myself from the word 'Xenophobia'

It's a bit too foreign-sounding for my liking.

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The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

My friend keeps using long words

I just think he's trying to sound Photosynthesis

I have a pen that can write underwater.

It can also write other words too.

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My safe word is banana.

After sex I told my wife "orange you glad I didn't say banana!"

She left me, but it was worth it.

Husband and Wife

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes ...

If I could describe myself in one word...

It would be "bad at following directions".

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