I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

Her: "Undress me with your words."

Me: "I saw a spider in your bra."

Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

A man walks up to the Widow at a funeral and asks if he can say a word.

"Of course", she replies.

The man plucks up the courage and says, "Bargain".

The Widow looks at him, teary eyed and says,

"Thank you so much, that means a great deal".

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

Guys I just invented a new word

Guys I just invented a new word


Plagiarism

Did you know “Vegetarian” is a Native American word?

It means “Lousy Hunter”


I am Native American and this joke has been told to me a couple of times. Thought I’d share.

An evil witch put a curse on a prince so that he could only speak one word each year.

If he didn't say anything for a year, he would be able to say two words the next year and so on.

One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.” But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three m...

How do you spell the word “candy” with only two letters?

c and y

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My teacher asked me to spell the word "clit."

I said, "you should have asked me last night. I had it on the tip of my tongue."

Student: Are “well” and “actually” both single-syllable words?

Teacher: Well yes , but actually no

Teacher: So what’s your sentence that contains the word contagious?

Student: our neighbour is painting a wall with 2 inch brush, my dad says it will take this contagious.

What was a python's first words?

print("s" \* 10)

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I got the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” confused

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese Mafia

"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"

Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"

The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.

Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"

Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for on...

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Is buttcheeks one word...

or should I spread them apart?

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I will never forget my grandpa's last words.

Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!

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The best safe-word for sex is 'meatloaf'

It means "I'll do anything for love, but I won't do that."

The head cook was also a proud linguist. He boasted to his team that he'd finally figured out that champagne and sugar are the only words that sound like "sh" without starting with "sh".

The assistant hesitated for a moment then replied-
.
.
.
"Chef! Are you sure?"

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How do you write words like "fuck", "shit", "bitch", "ass", or "damn?"

In cursive.

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I love it when a woman says those magical words which means she's up for sex tonight

"This drink tastes funny"

~Jimmy Carr

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I accidentally mixed up the words 'jacuzzi' and 'yakuza' online.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

When life gets you down, remember the immortal words of Monty Python.

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

My favourite six letter word?

Dyslexia

Two Sisters...

One blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They ...

Three old friends met at a bar, and one asked the group, “When we die, what do we want to be the final words of our loved ones when they look over our casket?”

“I want them to say that I was a loving and loyal husband and father who always put his family first”, the first friend said.

“Well,” said the second friend, “I want them to say that I was a man who never gave up on my dreams and lived a very fulfilling life.”

“As for me”, said the thi...

Patient's last words

A seriously ill patient is lying on a hospital bed with an oxygen mask,

Plug the tube. Suddenly, the patient began to twitch and his mouth was squirming. There seems to be something to say. Upon seeing this, the pastor standing nearby bent down and asked softly Said: "Do you want to say somet...

If I had to describe myself in 3 words

lazy

I just found out that Aarghh is not a real word.

I can’t even tell you how frustrated I am at this.

Why is society fighting to eliminate the word 'black'?

It's cheaper than equal opportunity.

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A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day.

A young boy discovers his first swear words on Thanksgiving Day. After aggravating his mother, he's sent outside to play. In the yard, he overhears his neighbors fighting: "You bitch!" "You bastard!" Astounded, he runs back inside and asks his mother, "Mommy mommy! What is a bitch and bastard?"
...

I can still remember my grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket

He said to me:
Hey! Wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?

TIL the agricultural etymology of the word bingo.

There was a farmer who had a dog.

I said to my teenage son "There are two words I'm hearing a lot, and they're starting to grate"

"I'd like you to stop using them so much, please. One of them is 'cringe' and the other is 'epic'. Do you think you could manage that?"

He said "Sure, Dad -- what are the two words?"

What are three two letter words that mean small

Is it in

What is the English word for when a person takes his own life?

Suicide?

No that is incorrect.

How can that be wrong?

Remember, suicide is never the answer.

My wife said "Why don't you write a book instead of stupid word play jokes?"

I said, "That's a novel idea."

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

Some say the "e" in the word "subtle" is silent

But I just pronounce it subtly.

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What ship is sturdy enough to weather any storm and yet so fragile it can be broken by words?

The friendship

Who decided to make Dyslexia such a hard word to spell?

Same person who thought it'd be fun to add an "s" to lisp

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange i...

So I'm sitting in a bar and a gorgeous, very shapely woman sits down next to me and we exchange a few words.

So I ask her if she would sleep with me for $1 Million Dollars. And she says "Hell yes!".
So I ask her "How about $500 thousand dollars?" And she thinks for a minute and says "Sure, why not?"
So I said "How about for $50?"
She says "What the hell do you think I am?"
I said "I ...

A man in an interrogation room says, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

Policeman: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present?

When British people pronounce words like “Water” they say it like “Wuh-er”. So what happened to the T?

They drank it

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Helen Keller was taught the word 'water' by running her hand under a tap and tracing the word on her palm. She was taught the word 'cock' in a similar way.

That's right, the word was traced whilst she was made to stroke a rooster.

^((Get your mind out of the gutter you dirty bastards))

In the interests of self care, and to promote healthier lifestyle choices for myself now that I'm single, each morning when I get up, I look myself in the mirror, and say the three little words I always used to say to my wife

"You're too fat"

Contrary to popular myth, Caesar wasn't killed by the Roman senate. He died of a heart attack when he heard of Barcelona's spectacular loss. His last words were however accurate....

8-2, brutus?

Jesu‌‌s onc‌‌e sai‌‌d "H‌‌e wh‌‌o live‌‌s b‌‌y th‌‌e sword‌‌, wil‌‌l di‌‌e b‌‌y th‌‌e sword"

H‌‌e wa‌‌s ‌‌a carpente‌‌r tha‌‌t die‌‌d b‌‌y bein‌‌g naile‌‌d t‌‌o ‌‌a piec‌‌e o‌‌f wood‌‌, s‌‌o h‌‌e migh‌‌t hav‌‌e ha‌‌d ‌‌a point.

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Translated this joke from my native language...

A guy say (Billy) who had very small penis, came to know about a guy. who knew a word, which upon saying penis grows by some inches.



Billy went there, that guy sat on a hill, and to climb that hill, there was a rope. So Billy started climbing that hill, upon climbing, the man asked B...

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The best safe word for sex is Meatloaf





It means i would do anything for love, but I won't do that.

The Spanish word for 'cat' is 'gato'.



In China they pronounce it 'gateau'.

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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"

What a strange way to start a conversation with me...

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What were the final words of the pirate who died taking a piss?

R I P

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The only word you should call women is “beautiful”.

Because bitches love it when you call them beautiful.

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What are two words that start with the letter x?

1. X-ray
2. X-nobody fucking remembers

Word of the Day: Intaxication

That brief period of euphoria you feel between receiving a tax refund and then realizing it was your money to begin with.

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The teacher is going over the vocabulary words for this week

The teacher is going over vocab words in class. She asks if anyone can use urinate in a sentence.

Little Timmy raises his hand and she calls on him.

>”Tommy says urinate but I fold him that’s asinine”

Only one word in the English Language starts with D and ends in Y

If you don’t believe my check the dictionary

What was Paul Walker last words?

I could have had a V8.

Germany has banned the word good

Apparently they're going Guten free.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French!” after a swear word...

I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French...

What word is spelled wrong in the dictionary?

wrong

Terrorist: "Say your last words!"

Terrorist: "Say your last words!"

Dad: "Your last words!"

Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!"

Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?"

Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?"

Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I sa...

Explaining Words



Poli.....Latin for "many"

Tics....blood sucking insects



Politics

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

Use the word 'horticulture' in a sentence

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

- Dorothy Parker

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me

it means a lot.

I don't care anymore. I'm gonna say the N word with a hard R !

NASCAR

If you don't know what either of the words mean

Waterboarding in Guantanamo Bay sounds like a fun activity.

I said to my friend "what's wrong" he said "i time i try to spell a word, i get half way through it and the person I'm with finishes it off"...

He said "LO"
I said "ok"

He armed himself with clever words for online use.

He equips e-quips.

I hate the word "xenophobia"

it just sounds so...foreign

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. In other words...

...there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,

But backwards it’s even more stupid.

What are 4 words that can ruin a man's self esteem?

"Is it in yet?"

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope starts a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but would you know a four letter word ending in ‘u-n-t’ that refers to a woman?”

...

This Goat walks into a post office

And says to the Postmaster "I need to send a telegram."
The Postmaster says "OK, what is it?"
The Goat says "I need it to say, maa maa maa maa maa maa maa." The Postmaster counts the words and says "Well, for the same price, I can put 4 more "MAAs" in for you."
The Goat looks at him and say...

I wanted to impress my Spanish wife's parents so I said the word mucho in conversation at dinner last night.

I think it worked. They said it meants a lot.

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My e‌‌x a‌‌nd I‌‌ had a safe word

So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.

Put these letters together to form a word. P N E I S Clue: a body part that is very important when erect.

The answer is spine.

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My teacher asked me what's the meaning of the word "mother".

(This joke is originally in my native language; Thai.
Let's see how well this jokes holds up after translation)

She asked me what is the meaning of "mother"?

But I couldn't answer her, so she told me to ask my dad.

So later that evening I asked my dad, "dad, my teacher told m...

I like to use the word ‘muchos’ around my Spanish friends

I know it means a lot to them.

Use the word 'and' fives times in a row.

In exchange for lunch, a starving artist offered to paint a new sign for "The King and Queen" pub. Of course the proprietor quickly agreed, but when he saw the new sign he was not entirely pleased.
"There should be a bit more space between King and And, and And and King"

My bud Erik introduced me to his beautiful Indian friend, Monica. Being a nerd all my life, I thought I'd impress her with my typing speed. I wrote 70 words in a minute, and she was still unimpressed

Erik told me it was not her type

I would like to personally thank the creator of the word "plethora."

It means a lot.

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Contagious

Little Johnnie was going back to school after the covid lockdown. First day of school, teacher wanted to talk about how contagious Covid-19 is so she wanted to do a class participation with her students and they had to come up with an example of the word "contagious".

"Class, can anyone here ...

President Trump wakes up one winter morning and looks out the Whitehouse window to see the words "Trump sucks!" Written in urine in the snow.

Outraged, he tasks the Secret Service to find out who is responsible.

Later that day the director of the Secret Service comes into the oval office and asks, "Sir, we have an answer. Do you want the bad news or the worse news?"

"Give me the bad news."

"We got the DNA test back o...

Really frustrating when autocorrect comes up with a *completely* different word just because you typed one letter wrong.

Someone told me there’s an easy fix,
I just hope they’re Rihanna.

What were Epstein's last words before he committed suicide?

Please don't kill me!

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant.

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lord in heaven and live in paradise for all of eternity. I do not curse, I for...

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TIL why Americans removed the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour.

Because Fuck U, that's why.

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me :i dont like capitalization in words, it's a waste of time

Teacher:Its important for one really good reason, because it's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.

A man decides he's going to travel the world and preach the word of God...

In his travels he comes across a tribe. The chief can speak English and so they take him in, give him food, water and shelter and in the morning he asks that they gather to hear what he has to say.

"So", says the man "let me tell you the story of Jesus Christ." And he tells the story of Jesus...

Some words sounding similar can be confusing. For example, Entropy and Atrophy.

Entropy is simply a measure of how much the energy of atoms and molecules become more spread out in a process and can be defined in terms of statistical probabilities, whereas Atrophy, is what you get if you win something.

I had a great response for my competition for writing another word for tavern.

Thanks to everyone for writing Inn.

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. 

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

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My four-year-old was told off for "using bad words" at daycare

I've no idea where the little fucker learned them

my parents told me i’m not allowed to say the n-word anymore

can’t say no to that

I have this pathological fear of two letter words.

I get incredibly scared just thinking about it.

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