Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

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I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused on my trip to Japan

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia

The word QUEUE is ironic.

It's just a Q with a bunch of silent letters waiting in line.

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Is buttcheeks spelled as one word?

Or do you have to spread them apart?

A majority of English speakers do not know the opposites of these words

Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.

Everyone keeps making fun of me because I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means

Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not the end of the world.

I once met a guy who was convinced that there were no word in the English language with more syllables than vowels.

I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refuses to accept criticism.

What word is spelled wrong in every dictionary?

Wrong.

I don’t like the word xenophobia.

It sounds so foreign.

Add a word to ruin a movie:

**- Batman Begins College - The Longest Yard Sale - Charlottes Web Cam.**



Your Turn :)

WOW is an interesting word. WOW spelled backwards is still wow. And WOW upside down is MOM. And MOM upside down is Dad's favorite thing.

No, I'm sorry, that joke was cheap and easy, and so's my mom, and that's why I'm here. No, seriously, I love my mom... And you can, too, for twelve dollars.

Teacher: OK Sally, make a sentence using the word ‘contagious’

Sally: Our neighbour is painting his whole house with a two inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.

90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.

Always



Coming



From



Take



Me



Down

My wife: You didn't hear a word I said, did you?

Me: That's a weird way to start a conversation.

Which word has 6 letters, starts with an N and ends with an R and is related to a Race

NASCAR

What phrase is 5 words long, makes you a part of a secretly hated society, is as infective as a virus and stays in your memory forever, but is only mentioned on occasion?

“I just lost the game”

If you can write the word "mitochondria" correctly...

... then you truly are the powerhouse of the spell.

I just invented a new word

I call it "Plagarism"

What does the saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" mean?

It means you should go see a doctor​; you probably have osteoporosis.

What were the fish's last words before it hit a wall?

Dam

What are a rednecks last words?

Hey pa! Look what I can do!

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Me: Oooooo handcuffs. That's pretty hot!!! What's our safe word?

Cop: Man, what the fuck is wrong with you???

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Two brothers, 9 and 11, realized one day that they had never said a curse word and decided that in order to fit in, they had to upgrade their dirty vocabulary.

The next morning at breakfast, their mother asked the younger brother what he wanted to eat.



The younger brother replied "I want some Frosted Flakes, bitch."



The mother stood silent for a moment, and then smacked the boy on the back of the head. She turned to the older ...

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

because best friends give you space

\#relatable in chat

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How do you describe Dad in one word?

Motherfucker

One little boy has never said a word

At first his parents were concerned, but no doctor could find any problem.

One day at launch boy says:
"There is too much salt in my soup"
His parents are shocked:
"You can speak?! Why didn't you ever said anythink?"


"Because up until now everything was ok"

I'll never forget the last words my grandfather said to me...

"Stop shaking that ladder you little prick!".

I wish the first word I said was "quote"...

....so that just before I die I could say "unquote".

I told my girlfriend I liked her company. She didn't think "like" was a strong enough word.

So I bought 51% of her shares.

What's the only F word out a woman's mouth that should scare you?

Fine.

What's the Russian word for a fighter plane?

Jetski

Her: “baby, undress me with your words”

Me: “there’s a spider on your bra”

The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

Words and phrases can change so much over time

‘Black market’ meant something entirely different 200 years ago.

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

I still remember my grandfathers last words to me

He died right infront of me, the words still ring in my mind "STOP SHAKING THE GODDAMN LADDER!!"

People really misuse the word 'chivalry'

They think its politeness towards women. It's actually not. I looked it up online, and only some of it is about respect and politeness. The rest of it is about medieval battle etiquette.


The other day I didn't hold the door for a woman. She proceeded to say,"I guess chivalry's dead". So,...

Why did no one believe a word the centaur said?

They thought it was satyr.

How do you get 50 old ladies to say the"F" word?

Yell,"BINGO"

How do you get them to say it twice?

Yell,"Oops,Sorry!

What's the best language for Indian word plays?

Punjabi

What were Jeffrey Epstein's last words?

But I dont want to commit suicide

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

I will always remember my dad's final words to me:

"Son, throw me that hatchet over there!"

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

It's widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.

Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

In the word Laughter, the letter L comes first…

The rest of the letters come aughter it.

Whenever I get down or feel overwhelmed, I think back to my great uncle's final words to me from his deathbed, "be positive!"

That being said, I would have preferred he just answered the question I asked him about his blood type so we could have saved him.

What's another word for a Canadian spy?

A double Eh 'gent

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “do you mind if I say a word” “no, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says...

“Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.

“Who was that?”

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My girlfriend is always correcting me when I misuse the word "less"

She's not just a Grammar Nazi, she's the Fewer Fuhrer!

Are the words "well" and "actually" only one syllable?

Well yes, but actually no

I got an e-mail from a buddy of mine. He always has trouble spelling certain words. He said he quit his job at the glue factory. Upper management wanted everyone to put out 2,500 tubes per hour

I guess he's not the type to work in a fast paste environment.

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How should you write words like "fuck", "shit", "bitch", or "damn?"

In cursive.

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Little Johnny is back

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinati...

Bloody Passwords

PASSWORD PROBLEMS:

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage



WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
...

What were the last words of the communist poet who committed suicide?

"Don't shoot comrades!"

Read the following word aloud: MINDS

Did you do it? Congratulations... you can read minds...

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone asks tell them it's 12345678

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Did you know the the word ikea is made of two Swedish words;

Ik: meaning Sunday

Ea:meaning FUCKING RUINED

My fiance got mad when I used the word puke.

But to me, that is what her dinner tasted like.

If you were to write a direct , very short introduction for Microsoft Office’s word processor, it might be a...

...forward four-word foreword for word.

My grandfather's last words

My Grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket were: How far do you think I can kick this bucket????

Interviewer:”Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “ Well, I would say “good at following directions”.

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Kids in a class are learning how to use the word “definitely”

One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong

One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong

One boy asks “are farts lumpy?”

The teacher says no,

He says “then I definitely shit my pants”

Spell a word

A woman dies and meets Peter at the pearly gates. She asks, Great! I made it to heaven? Peter says, No, you have to spell a word first. She says Ok, what word. Peter says, spell the word Love. The woman spells out loud, L O V E. Peter says, Great! You're in. A few months later, the woman is hanging...

What kind of bird always forgets the words to songs?

A Hummingbird.

Can you say the word ‘say’ backwards?

Yas, yas I can!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only 'B' word you should call a girl, is beautiful.

Bitches love being called beautiful.

If you added a single F-word to a Jeeves book

Would that make it PG-13 Wodehouse?

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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them.

To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isnt entirely correct, because sometimes its gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "...

Don't be ashamed of you don't know the definition of the word 'esoteric'

Only a small number of people are likely to understand.

I've always loved hearing the word tinnitus

It just has such a nice ring to it

My favourite word is "drool"...

It just rolls off the tongue.

Do you know why poker players can't have tattoos with words?

Because the others could read them like a book.

A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...

Police: Turn around.

Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round...

Police: TURN AROUND!!

Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!

Origin of the word asian

Me: Bro, it's summer break. Why are you still studying
Ming: I must get A for my exams or I'll bring dishonor to my family
Me: Just because you're Asian? Besides, exams aren't even close. Let's hang out.
Ming: ASIAN WITHOUT A IS SIN

The Teacher told her pupils to use the word contagious in a sentence.

First student: "I can't go near my brother, he has measles and is contagious."

Teacher: "Yes, that works well."

Johnny: "My Mum makes Dad start cutting the grass first thing in the morning as it takes the contagious."

It was really heart warming when my friends explained what the word "many" meant.

It meant a lot

A guy I know told me: "Men should always have the last words in an argument with their wife."

They are "Yes, Honey."

Seen some people throwing out random Greek words to sound smart.

You won't see one iota of that from me.

It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words ‘antidote’ and ‘anecdote,’

One of my good friends would still be alive.

It’s okay if you don’t know what “prefix” means.

It’s not the end of the word.

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What two words can piss off nearly any woman the first time you meet them?

How much?

I just found out that Aaarghhh is not a real word.

I can’t even tell you how angry I am.

I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'

I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming...

Did you know there's a word for people who rely on pulling out for birth control?

Parents.

Somebody told me that if you look at the symbols in the corner of a map and see the words "Bloody Rosemary," something horrible will happen.

But that's just an herb in legend.

What’s another word for FakeTaxi?

Screwdriver

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