A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

[LONG]

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head mo...

A man in an interrogation room says "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present?

A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.

Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'


He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'

Why do British people pronounce the word “Bri’ish” like they do?

Because they drank all the T.

(Told to me by my 11yo)

If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it."

That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

My girl said her safe word

My girl said her safe word is “Meatloaf” because she would do anything for love but she won’t do that.

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Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

It's okay if you don't know the word miniscule.

It doesn't mean much, anyway.

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit...

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

I invented a new word

Plagiarism

It's very important to not leave out the word "each." For example, when the price of 4 tacos is $2 vs $2 each, or

When you tell people that you and your sister each have a child

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I like to masturbate long words into my sentences.

Even if I don’t know what they mean.

Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

I still remember my fathers last words...."you selfish boy"

So i became a fishmonger, to follow his dying wish.

I'm freshly amputated but can't remember the word for my condition

I'm stumped

When I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words, she said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

"Studnia" is a Polish word referring to a shaft sunk into the ground used to obtain water

(hopefully this translates well)

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I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" mixed up

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia

A man was at his friend's funeral and asked the wife if he could say a word.

She agreed. The man stood at the podium and said, "Plethora." As he sat back down the wife said, "Thanks, that means a lot."

Teacher: Use the word Dandelion in a sentence

Jamaican Student: Da Cheetah is faster Dandelion

We need to re-evaluate our use of the word 'Legendary.' We used to Say it of the person that pulled the sword from the stone.

Now we say it about whoever can find the Doritos.

What are the three shortest words in the English Language?

“Is it in?”

My teacher asked my to make up a sentence using the words defence, defeat and detail

When a horse jumps over defence defeat go first then detail.

Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man...

Now they'll have to pay him 20% more...

"Mansplain" is a terrible word to use

because it has more letters than explain and is therefore more difficult for women to understand.

If you had to describe yourself in one word, what would it be?

Bad at following directions.

What is a redneck's last words?

“Hold my beer and watch this!”

I was trying to read the newspaper, but every third word was redacted.

Whatever, I like the comics better than the classifieds anyways.

There are 5 types of people in this word

Those who can spell, those who can count, and those who use reddit

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I will never forget my Grandfather's last words:

"Oh fuck, a bus!"

In unison, the cannibals end their prayer for over population with a single word

Rawmen

John decides to take a different route to office and on the way spots an old guy sitting next to an open pothole shouting loudly at it. As he approaches the old guy he realises the old guy is shouting the words 'TWENTY SEVEN' at the open pothole, almost as if expecting someone to respond from below

He drives past him, goes to office but then while he's returning he sees the old man again, still shouting. Taking pity, he parks his car, goes up to the old guy, and sits next to him, 'Hey buddy... You okay?'
The old man says nothing, just points at the pothole and whimpers.. 'Twenty... Seven'. ...

What is other word for dead cell?

Excel.

What’s the perfect ‘S’ word?

Sword.

*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter”

T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please”

S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!”

Me - “What’s a 3 letter word for compete?”

Dracula - “Vie.”

Me - “It’s for a crossword.”

I saw this on Twitter(@clichedout) and it made me smile so hopefully someone else will get a kick out of it.

Politics Is the Most Accurate Word In English

It's made up of two other parts.

1 - Poly - meaning many
2 - Ticks - blood sucking insects.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

…I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

Sometimes, I use words I don’t understand

So I can sound more photosynthesis.

The only 2 words I want on my Tombstone

Are “Forgot Password”

I asked my wife, “I’m stuck on a crossword clue—Overworked Postman— can you help me?”

She said, “Sure. How many letters?”

I said, “I’m guessing—too many.”

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words before he kicked the bucket.

*"Hey why is there an IED in this buc*

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TIFU and heard the four words you never want to hear during sex... "Call me an ambulance"

So I said, "You're an ambulance."

I thought I knew the origins of the word "moron"

But I couldn't be more wrong

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My wife calls me a sex machine.

I mean her actual words are fucking tool but I know what shes trying to say.

The word Nothing is a palindrome...

Backwards it spells gnihtoN which also means nothing.

Prison is just one word to you

But for some people, it's a whole sentence

Have you ever looked up the word “whistle” in the dictionary?

I found it a bit under whelming.

Thank you guys for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

Who swore the most in star wars?

R2-D2, they beeped out every word he said

If 2020 was a math word problem:

**If you're going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?**

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On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.

A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed, and said t...

Bill Gates to Melinda: "I'll never cheat on you again."

"I give you my Word."

I used to work with a hard working guy who didn't know the meaning of the word surrender, or the meaning of the word capitulate, didn't even know the meaning of the word abandon....

When he retired we bought him a dictionary.

Describe 2020 in two words

Twenty Twenty

The Teacher instructed her class to create a sentence with the words; defense, defeat and detail.

Little Lisa, who was normally a very quiet and reclusive child immediately jumped and waved her hand excitedly. Thinking a breakthrough was imminent, she picked Lisa first. Lisa recited; The cat jumped over defense. Defeat went first, detail went last.

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Is "Buttcheeks" one word?

or should i spread them apart?

A guy told me there's not a single word in English that can be typed using the upper row of keyboard.

True

Do you want to know my grandpa’s final words before he kicked the bucket?

"Hey, watch me kick this bucket.”

The interviewer asked me, “Describe yourself in three words.”

“Lazy.”

A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, no...

I hate it when people shorten words for no reason.

It makes me want to commit murds.

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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough wate...

What's the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?

"Oops!"

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200 IQ baby

Father: “Say Daddy”

Baby: “Mommy”

Father: “No, say Daddy”

Baby: “Mommy”

Father: “Fuck you! Say Daddy!”

Baby: “Fuck you”

*Mother arrives home*

Mother: Honey, I’m back! How’s the baby?

Baby: “Fuck you”

Mother: “What?! Who taught you that a...

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Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. “Judy, Judy.”<...

I was asked to pick a word to describe myself...

But I couldn’t choose between indecisive and hesitant.

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant.

A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...



The boy ...

Did you know most people don't know the opposite to these words?

1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

Sorry is a really weird word.

If a normal person says it, your anger is gone but if a doctor says it, you are gone.

What are the three words you never want to hear when making love?

"Honey, I'm home!"

My 4-year-old nephew has been learning Spanish since lockdown.

He still can't say the word for "please" though, which I think is poor for four

Spanish word of the day..

Muchos.

Thanks for reading. It means a lot to me.

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At a crowded funeral for a popular well known man, the wife stands finally to ask “Would any of you who knew Jim like to say a few words?” An older gentleman from the back shuffled forward, took a deep breathe, and stated loudly “PLETHORA SHITLOAD FUCKTON”

The wife hugged the man firmly, and said “Thanks. That means so much.”

4 former US Presidents are caught in a tornado

Four former U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ.

After trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter...

My grandmother always had an amazing way with words.

One day, I gave her a call after my grandfather had been put into a retirement home. I asked her how he was doing, she said, “He’s like a fish out of water.” I asked, “Is he finding it hard to fit in?” And she replied, “No, he’s dead.”

The word of the day is contagious.

Teacher: "Who can give me a sentence with the word contagious in it?"

Little Johnny's hand flies up and he exclaims: "Our neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious!"

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First word I learnt in the Japanese language

Do you know what the funny thing is? People say you can't learn any Japanese from anime or any other form of film/movie from Japan. But just yesterday I recognised one word and that word was "Pervert." That was the first time I understood a single word in the Japanese language. Really shows a lot ab...

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I'll never forget the last words my uncle said to me before he passed...

"Stop shaking the ladder, you little shit!"

We invented the word. Why can’t we say it?

Worcestershire sauce.

TIL: Where does the word "politics" come from.

From poly, Greek for many, and tics, English for pesky parasites.

I used to think two was the only word that started with TW...

but then I checked twice, and sure enough it does too.

People often tell me that "icy" is the easiest word to spell.

Come to think of it, I see why.

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, th...

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

My wife has just given me a book with all the words that I'm not supposed to use when we argue....

It's called a dictionary.

My friend's dad just died and his last words were "Be positive"

We could have saved him if we knew his blood type

My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"

What a weird way to start a conversation..

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Did you hear about the swear word ranking ceremony?

Shit went down

Hispanic Word of the Day: Bodywash

Joe Biden was on TV today, but no bodywash him.

I was recently asked to say a few words at a friend’s funeral.

I stood up at the podium, looked at my friend’s family and friends, and said “2,000 pounds.”

I then made my way back to my seat.

My friends’ wife stood up and said, with tears in her eyes, “Thank you, that means a ton.”

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The only B word you should call a woman is beautiful

Because bitches love it when you call them beautiful

Whays the only word in English with 6 silent letters in?

LondonDerry

I have always thought that the second letter in the word “Hive” is quite beautiful, after all .....

Beauty is in the I of the bee holder.

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A World War 2 joke

Stalin and Hitler died and were recieved in Hell by Satan.

Satan asked them to wait in the guest cabin, because he had to search for the worst place in Hell for both of them (it had been a long time since some one so evil had come to his abode) .

While waiting, Hitler got bored and as...

Did you know “Vegetarian” is a Native American word?

It means “Lousy Hunter”


I am Native American and this joke has been told to me a couple of times. Thought I’d share.

Student: Are “well” and “actually” both single-syllable words?

Teacher: Well yes , but actually no

Someone asked me what the word for inflicting pain or causing a lot of damage is. I said I couldn't tell them.

Because violence is never the answer

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There are three English football clubs with curse words in their name.

Arsenal FC, Scunthorpe United, and Fucking Manchester United.

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What's another word for fake shit?

Shampoo.

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter..

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

Why couldn't Marie-Antoinette finish her last words?

She got cut off.

A man walks up to the Widow at a funeral and asks if he can say a word.

"Of course", she replies.

The man plucks up the courage and says, "Bargain".

The Widow looks at him, teary eyed and says,

"Thank you so much, that means a great deal".

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

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