Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

Baby Yoda's first word

Probably came after his second word.

Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where's my present?!

How many syllables does the word gloria have?

Christians: 18

I'll never forget my Dad's final words

"Son, toss me that hatchet"

My daughter says she now identifies as a small group of words that have a collective meaning

Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?

I remember my mother's last words before she kicked the bucket.

She said "how far do you think I can kick this bucket? ".

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.

She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect.

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.

I can’t express how angry I am.

My son asked me if I know any Spanish words.

I said no.

My grandpa’s last words before he died was “Pints! Gallons! Litres!”

That spoke volumes.

A guy walks up to the widow at her husband's funeral and says " May I just say one word?"

"Sure," she replies.

"Discount."


The widow says, "Thank you. That means a great deal."

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words

Teacher: Well yes , but actually no

Why do smart people like to use big words?

It makes them sound more photosynthesis.

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

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Is buttcheeks one word?

Or should I spread them apart?

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I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words...

Stop shaking the ladder you little shit

My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"

What a weird way to start a conversation

The word QUEUE is ironic.

It just the letter "Q" with a bunch of silent letters waiting in line !!!

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

The word for today is "legs"

Help spread the word.

My friend told me that I have no idea what the word "irony" means.

Which was ironic, because I literally just finished jacking off the dog.

The word asparagus is funny.



It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.

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People who confuse the words "Burro" and "Burrow"...

... don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

A man was at his friend's funeral and asked the wife if he could say a word. She agreed. The man stood at the podium and said, "Plethora."

As he sat back down the wife said, "Thanks, that means a lot."

5 hardest words and sentences to say:

5: I love you

4: I need help

3: you were right

2: I'm sorry

1: worcestershire sauce

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I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused on my trip to Japan

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia

Someone wrote the word "MONG" in the ice on my windscreen this morning.

It took me twenty minutes to lick it off.

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Stop using naughty words or else!

In order to prevent the unacceptable proliferation of swear words in this sub, I have developed a virus, which should have infected all your computers by now. It scans the words you type in, and if it detects that a naughty word has been used, it will instantly cause your computer to crash.

H...

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Some people say there’s no difference but there is.

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE!

When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED!

And if you marry a wife who likes shopping you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

A majority of English speakers do not know the opposites of these words

Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.

Teacher: OK Sally, make a sentence using the word ‘contagious’

Sally: Our neighbour is painting his whole house with a two inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.

Everyone keeps making fun of me because I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means

Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not the end of the world.

3 word joke

Whiteboards are remarkable.

I told my teenage daughter “There are two words you need to drop from your vocabulary. One is ‘awesome’ and the other is ‘gross’.”

“Okay,” she replies, “what are they?”

There’s only one word you need to respond to a raging boomer.

And that’s ok.

Which word has 6 letters, starts with an N and ends with an R and is related to a Race

NASCAR

I don’t like the word xenophobia.

It sounds so foreign.

What were the last words of the fish at the AA meeting?

"Hello, I'm the fish and I'm dry."

What were Donald Trumps last words before he was hanged?

"Fake noose, folks!"

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A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Y...

My father's last words to me were, "I love you, son".

Then he threw me out of the house.

I hate how politically correct things are these days. You can't even say the word stupid without people getting offended.

I started to tell a Polish joke to a group of guys and one of them said "Hey, I'm Polish and that joke offends me!" Fair enough I thought, no one likes to be stereotyped. So I swapped out the word "Polish" for "stupid" and started the joke over. Same guy got offended.

90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.

Always



Coming



From



Take



Me



Down

Whoever named the irrational fear of long words,

didn't have hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia.

Add a word to ruin a movie:

**- Batman Begins College - The Longest Yard Sale - Charlottes Web Cam.**



Your Turn :)

I once met a guy who was convinced that there were no word in the English language with more syllables than vowels.

I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refuses to accept criticism.

What are the scariest three words in the English language?

"Four more years!"

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't ...

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I hate when people say the f-word

Stop saying *"he used the f-word"* . Just say fuck , it's not that fucking hard.

I just invented a new word

I call it "Plagarism"

What do you get if you download Microsoft word multiple times

Microsoft Sentence

What word is spelled wrong in every dictionary?

Wrong.

A word to the wise:

Unencumbered

I remember the first time I heard the word parabolic, I was in sixth grade...

I said "Dang! That must be a heck of a lot worse then what my Daddy's got!"

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Some people say pictures are worth 1000 words

But they are full of crap because then you wouldn’t be able to send them on Twitter

I can still remember the last words my father said to me when he walked out...

"I'm going to look for my 10mm socket"

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Two brothers, 9 and 11, realized one day that they had never said a curse word and decided that in order to fit in, they had to upgrade their dirty vocabulary.

The next morning at breakfast, their mother asked the younger brother what he wanted to eat.



The younger brother replied "I want some Frosted Flakes, bitch."



The mother stood silent for a moment, and then smacked the boy on the back of the head. She turned to the older ...

Teacher : " Can someone make a sentence using the word 'dandelion' ?

Leroy : " Da cheeta is fasta dandelion" .

Chinese history in 5 words:

"And then things got worse."

What were the British man’s final words as he was about to be executed in China?

“Is it really THAT bloody hard to ask for tea and a mint square?”

I use the word 'beaucoup' when speaking with my French friends.

It means a lot to them.

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

When I was at university I was told to write 1500 words on acid.

It all went well until the floor melted and my pen turned into a carrot

What does the saying "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" mean?

It means you should go see a doctor​; you probably have osteoporosis.

WOW is an interesting word. WOW spelled backwards is still wow. And WOW upside down is MOM. And MOM upside down is Dad's favorite thing.

No, I'm sorry, that joke was cheap and easy, and so's my mom, and that's why I'm here. No, seriously, I love my mom... And you can, too, for twelve dollars.

What phrase is 5 words long, makes you a part of a secretly hated society, is as infective as a virus and stays in your memory forever, but is only mentioned on occasion?

“I just lost the game”

Why do women always get the last word?

Because they have periods

I heard if you look in a map's corner and see the words "BLOODY ROSEMARY," you'll die.

But that's just an herb in legend.

The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

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How do you describe Dad in one word?

Motherfucker

What do you call a bottom that uses bad words?

A crass ass

As the man of the house, I always have the last word.

"yes, dear"

If you can write the word "mitochondria" correctly...

... then you truly are the powerhouse of the spell.

What were the fish's last words before it hit a wall?

Dam

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Me: Oooooo handcuffs. That's pretty hot!!! What's our safe word?

Cop: Man, what the fuck is wrong with you???

What word begins with "M", ends in "arriage" and it's a man favorite thing?

Miscarriage. This joke never gets old, just like the baby.

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “do you mind if I say a word” “no, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says...

“Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”

One little boy has never said a word

At first his parents were concerned, but no doctor could find any problem.

One day at launch boy says:
"There is too much salt in my soup"
His parents are shocked:
"You can speak?! Why didn't you ever said anythink?"


"Because up until now everything was ok"

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A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Her: “baby, undress me with your words”

Me: “there’s a spider on your bra”

I told my girlfriend I liked her company. She didn't think "like" was a strong enough word.

So I bought 51% of her shares.

I wish the first word I said was "quote"...

....so that just before I die I could say "unquote".

How does Bono spell the word "colour"?

With or without u.

A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn't speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on. One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady.

He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her "my darling." But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years. At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years. Finally, as the ninth year of silence ende...

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.

“Who was that?”

When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...

...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a policeman asking me questions.

I still remember my grandfathers last words to me

He died right infront of me, the words still ring in my mind "STOP SHAKING THE GODDAMN LADDER!!"

People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”

*Their words, not mine.*

What's the Russian word for a fighter plane?

Jetski

What were Jeffrey Epstein's last words?

But I dont want to commit suicide

People really misuse the word 'chivalry'

They think its politeness towards women. It's actually not. I looked it up online, and only some of it is about respect and politeness. The rest of it is about medieval battle etiquette.


The other day I didn't hold the door for a woman. She proceeded to say,"I guess chivalry's dead". So,...

PASSWORD PROBLEMS ( LONG ONE )

Windows : Please enter your new password.

User : cabbage

Windows : Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

User : boiled cabbage

Windows : Sorry, the password must contain at least 1 numerical character.

User : 1 boiled cabbage

Windows : Sorry, t...

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with ...

How do you get 50 old ladies to say the"F" word?

Yell,"BINGO"

How do you get them to say it twice?

Yell,"Oops,Sorry!

Words and phrases can change so much over time

‘Black market’ meant something entirely different 200 years ago.

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