Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where's my present?!

My daughter says she now identifies as a small group of words that have a collective meaning

Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?

I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.

I can’t express how angry I am.

I'll never forget my Dad's final words

"Son, toss me that hatchet"

My grandpa’s last words before he died was “Pints! Gallons! Litres!”

That spoke volumes.

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words

Teacher: Well yes , but actually no

Why do smart people like to use big words?

It makes them sound more photosynthesis.

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Is buttcheeks one word?

Or should I spread them apart?

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

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I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words...

Stop shaking the ladder you little shit

My son asked me if I know any Spanish words.

I said no.

A guy walks up to the widow at her husband's funeral and says " May I just say one word?"

"Sure," she replies.

"Discount."


The widow says, "Thank you. That means a great deal."

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you...

The word asparagus is funny.



It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.

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People who confuse the words "Burro" and "Burrow"...

... don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

A man was at his friend's funeral and asked the wife if he could say a word. She agreed. The man stood at the podium and said, "Plethora."

As he sat back down the wife said, "Thanks, that means a lot."

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I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused on my trip to Japan

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia

Someone wrote the word "MONG" in the ice on my windscreen this morning.

It took me twenty minutes to lick it off.

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Stop using naughty words or else!

In order to prevent the unacceptable proliferation of swear words in this sub, I have developed a virus, which should have infected all your computers by now. It scans the words you type in, and if it detects that a naughty word has been used, it will instantly cause your computer to crash.

H...

The word QUEUE is ironic.

It's just a Q with a bunch of silent letters waiting in line.

My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"

What a weird way to start a conversation

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Some people say there’s no difference but there is.

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE!

When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED!

And if you marry a wife who likes shopping you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Teacher: OK Sally, make a sentence using the word ‘contagious’

Sally: Our neighbour is painting his whole house with a two inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.

3 word joke

Whiteboards are remarkable.

Everyone keeps making fun of me because I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means

Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not the end of the world.

I told my teenage daughter “There are two words you need to drop from your vocabulary. One is ‘awesome’ and the other is ‘gross’.”

“Okay,” she replies, “what are they?”

There’s only one word you need to respond to a raging boomer.

And that’s ok.

A majority of English speakers do not know the opposites of these words

Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.

What were Donald Trumps last words before he was hanged?

"Fake noose, folks!"

What were the last words of the fish at the AA meeting?

"Hello, I'm the fish and I'm dry."

I don’t like the word xenophobia.

It sounds so foreign.

Whoever named the irrational fear of long words,

didn't have hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia.

Which word has 6 letters, starts with an N and ends with an R and is related to a Race

NASCAR

I hate how politically correct things are these days. You can't even say the word stupid without people getting offended.

I started to tell a Polish joke to a group of guys and one of them said "Hey, I'm Polish and that joke offends me!" Fair enough I thought, no one likes to be stereotyped. So I swapped out the word "Polish" for "stupid" and started the joke over. Same guy got offended.

What are the scariest three words in the English language?

"Four more years!"

I once met a guy who was convinced that there were no word in the English language with more syllables than vowels.

I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refuses to accept criticism.

90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.

Always



Coming



From



Take



Me



Down

My father's last words to me were, "I love you, son".

Then he threw me out of the house.

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I hate when people say the f-word

Stop saying *"he used the f-word"* . Just say fuck , it's not that fucking hard.

A word to the wise:

Unencumbered

What do you get if you download Microsoft word multiple times

Microsoft Sentence

Add a word to ruin a movie:

**- Batman Begins College - The Longest Yard Sale - Charlottes Web Cam.**



Your Turn :)

I just invented a new word

I call it "Plagarism"

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Some people say pictures are worth 1000 words

But they are full of crap because then you wouldn’t be able to send them on Twitter

Words of wisdom !

It's squeaks when you bang it! That's what she said
Yours truly,
Michel Scott,
Regional Manager ,
Dunder Mifflin pap...

Constipation is a difficult word to say.

I have a hard time getting it out.

What word is spelled wrong in every dictionary?

Wrong.

I can still remember the last words my father said to me when he walked out...

"I'm going to look for my 10mm socket"

Chinese history in 5 words:

"And then things got worse."

I use the word 'beaucoup' when speaking with my French friends.

It means a lot to them.

What were the British man’s final words as he was about to be executed in China?

“Is it really THAT bloody hard to ask for tea and a mint square?”

When I was at university I was told to write 1500 words on acid.

It all went well until the floor melted and my pen turned into a carrot

Icy

I've often heard icy is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now I see why......

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My name is Quinton and I have the most amazing luck!

You might be wondering how I became known as the Amazingly Lucky Quinton. I've won the lottery 3 times now, have never broken a bone, always find pennies face up, and still have my pet goldfish that I won from a fair when I was 6 years old.

You see, my whole life changed when I got lost in a ...

Teacher : " Can someone make a sentence using the word 'dandelion' ?

Leroy : " Da cheeta is fasta dandelion" .

This morning I bought a thesaurus but when I got it home and finally opened it up, the pages were all blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Why do women always get the last word?

Because they have periods

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All in a night’s work

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300 on the bar, and says ...

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Parrots. long

Father O'Malley comes out from Sunday mass to talk with his parishioners and Mrs. Coughlin asks if she may have a word with him.

"Of course, Mrs. Coughlin. What seems to be the problem?

“This may sound like a strange question, but I have a problem with my parrot and I hear that you hav...

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A man goes on a business trip to Japan

In Japan, he picks up a hooker and they go all night long. The entire time they were making love she was excitedly shouting:
##Hasimota! Hasimota!
Since the man obviously didn't know a word of Japanese, he concluded it was some sort of an excitement noise. The next morning he meets with a few...

In Toronto it's snowing so hard right now that it's become pro-China ...

In other words, its a Blizzard.

A captain of a ship was retiring after 40 years in the business.

He had some good voyages, and some bad, but it was finally time to sail one last time. Before each trip, the captain would open a small leather book, read a certain page, close the book and board the ship for the voyage. Only he knew what the leather book said. Not even his first mate knew what the ...

A Russian man, an Italian man, and a Jewish man all move into town.

A Russian man, an Italian man, and a Jewish man all move into town. They all want to start their own business, so each of them goes to the richest man in town and asks for a loan.
The Russian man asks, "I want to start my own business here, and I need a loan of $20,000". The rich man replies, "...

Fair warning: This is a repost!

Joe and his wife Martha went to the annual show every year and each time Joe would say: “Martha, I’d like to ride in that plane.”

And every year Martha would reply: “I know Joe, but that plane ride costs $10, and $10 is $10.”

One year Joe and Martha went to the fair and he said: “Marth...

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One day, a girl comes home crying, upset that her boyfriend had just dumped her.

Devastated, she starts trashing the place, smashing pictures of her ex-boyfriend and knocking things off shelves, rampaging from room to room. In her mother’s bedroom she rips down the curtains, jumps on the bed and smashes some mirrors. She finally calms down enough to notice that a small secret dr...

I heard if you look in a map's corner and see the words "BLOODY ROSEMARY," you'll die.

But that's just an herb in legend.

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.
The groom approaches the him ...

"Age is just a number"

False. Age is a word.

I just bought this cool pen that writes underwater!

it writes other words too but that's my favorite

God walks into a DIY store in Lancashire looking for an ornamental well for the garden of Eden. Not sure where to look, he seeks a cashier for directions...

Before god says a word, the cashier recognises the big guy and says "well, I'll be!"

God replies "I thought I was the only one with super powers?! Thanks." and off he goes to the second isle.

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight

“This is exciting!” the guy thought. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope!

In the beginning, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Po...

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Drunk guy walks into a bar

Sits down at the bar sloppily and ask for a drink. Bartender serves him a beer reluctantly, but the guy spills it on himself, is slurring his words, and bothering the person next to him. Finally, the bartender tells the guy he’s had enough, he’s shut off, and needs to leave.

Guy leaves the b...

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike

He didn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a “for sale” sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute perfect condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condi...

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she ...

Did you hear about the exhibitionist who occasionally does free work to get the word out?

He works for exposure.

During this difficult morning for Congressman O’Rourke and everyone involved with his campaign, I wanted to give some words of encouragement

Beto luck next time

As the man of the house, I always have the last word.

"yes, dear"

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I was playing Hangman with a friend...

...and he threw at me what he said was a truly challenging word - a proper noun no less! Said it was someone who was all over the news a lot as of late. All I had to go on were an i and a couple e's. Not a lot of *ease* that *I* could really glean from that! Now, I was sipping some tea at the time, ...

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Two Roman Soldiers are standing guard...

In an attempt to make conversation, guard 1 makes a suggestion:

1: What if we had a word to describe people who haven’t had sex? What would it be?

2: Why would you think that!? It’s an arbitrary category and could make people uncomfortable. Think about their self esteem!

1: Calm...

What did the millennial say to the boomer upset over being called "boomer"?

The same thing boomers said to them growing up.

"They're just words. They can't hurt you."

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A Lame Date

A girl turned up on a blind date only to find that the guy had no arms or legs. Apparently he was a military vet who lost his limbs in action in some war.



Still not wanting to be policitally incorrect, she decided that its just dinner and it couldn't hurt.



Much to her s...

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There was a man in Jamaica who had only one testicle. Jamaicans being Jamaicans gave him the street name 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Bl...

Did you know that a piranha can devour a child to the bone in 45 seconds?

In other words, I lost my job at the aquarium the other day

People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”

*Their words, not mine.*

In a classroom...

The girl students were really upset and shouted together in class in unison for justice. The agahst teacher asked for a reason. They asked him to look at the blackboard in which was written in bold "**50% of girls don't have brains**", which the girls asserted was the job done by boys on purpose....

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