A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

My wife: You didn't hear a word I said, did you?

Me: That's a weird way to start a conversation.

Everyone keeps making fun of me because I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means

Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not the end of the world.

I don’t like the word xenophobia.

It sounds so foreign.

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I get the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' mixed up.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.

Always



Coming



From



Take



Me



Down

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I'll never forget my grandpa's last words

"Stop shaking the ladder you cunt"

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Two brothers, 9 and 11, realized one day that they had never said a curse word and decided that in order to fit in, they had to upgrade their dirty vocabulary.

The next morning at breakfast, their mother asked the younger brother what he wanted to eat.



The younger brother replied "I want some Frosted Flakes, bitch."



The mother stood silent for a moment, and then smacked the boy on the back of the head. She turned to the older ...

I’ll never forget the words of my late grandfather.

“Sorry, I’m late again.”

Which word has 6 letters, starts with an N and ends with an R and is related to a Race

NASCAR

Her: “baby, undress me with your words”

Me: “there’s a spider on your bra”

I came up with a new word today:

Plagarism.

Add a word to ruin a movie:

**- Batman Begins College - The Longest Yard Sale - Charlottes Web Cam.**



Your Turn :)

Why is girlfriend one word and best friend two words?

Because the best friend gives you space when you need it

What were Jeffrey Epstein's last words?

But I dont want to commit suicide

The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

I will always remember my dad's final words to me:

"Son, throw me that hatchet over there!"

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

Are the words "well" and "actually" only one syllable?

Well yes, but actually no

I got an e-mail from a buddy of mine. He always has trouble spelling certain words. He said he quit his job at the glue factory. Upper management wanted everyone to put out 2,500 tubes per hour

I guess he's not the type to work in a fast paste environment.

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How should you write words like "fuck", "shit", "bitch", or "damn?"

In cursive.

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch...

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her...

I have a pen that can write underwater!

It can also write other words too

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,

The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be d...

If you were to write a direct , very short introduction for Microsoft Office’s word processor, it might be a...

...forward four-word foreword for word.

Interviewer:”Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “ Well, I would say “good at following directions”.

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Grandads last words

I remember my grandads last words.....”STOP SHAKING THE LADDER U LITTLE SHIT”

Still miss him...

Spell a word

A woman dies and meets Peter at the pearly gates. She asks, Great! I made it to heaven? Peter says, No, you have to spell a word first. She says Ok, what word. Peter says, spell the word Love. The woman spells out loud, L O V E. Peter says, Great! You're in. A few months later, the woman is hanging...

What kind of bird always forgets the words to songs?

A Hummingbird.

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.

“Who was that?”

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “do you mind if I say a word” “no, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says...

“Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”

A blonde's office computer had technical issues

IT support came over to the desk and said he needed password to access her account.

"It's 'MickeyMinnieBatmanSupergirlWonderwomanLondon'" she replied.

"A bit unusual for a password, how did you come up with it?" the support dude asked.

She went "Because computer said the passwor...

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone asks tell them it's 12345678

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Little Johnny is back

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not 'fascinati...

Thank you to my first grade teacher for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

What word is always pronounced wrong?

Wrong.

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Kids in a class are learning how to use the word “definitely”

One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong

One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong

One boy asks “are farts lumpy?”

The teacher says no,

He says “then I definitely shit my pants”

A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...

Police: Turn around.

Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round...

Police: TURN AROUND!!

Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!

Origin of the word asian

Me: Bro, it's summer break. Why are you still studying
Ming: I must get A for my exams or I'll bring dishonor to my family
Me: Just because you're Asian? Besides, exams aren't even close. Let's hang out.
Ming: ASIAN WITHOUT A IS SIN

I've always loved hearing the word tinnitus

It just has such a nice ring to it

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.

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The only 'B' word you should call a girl, is beautiful.

Bitches love being called beautiful.

Can you say the word ‘say’ backwards?

Yas, yas I can!

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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them.

To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isnt entirely correct, because sometimes its gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "...

Don't be ashamed of you don't know the definition of the word 'esoteric'

Only a small number of people are likely to understand.

It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words ‘antidote’ and ‘anecdote,’

One of my good friends would still be alive.

I just found out that Aaarghhh is not a real word.

I can’t even tell you how angry I am.

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What two words can piss off nearly any woman the first time you meet them?

How much?

Did you know there's a word for people who rely on pulling out for birth control?

Parents.

My wife: Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?

Me: That’s .....a novel idea.

Bloody Passwords

PASSWORD PROBLEMS:

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage



WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
...

I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'

I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming...

What are the five worst words in Washington?

The president has nominated you...

I want to say thank you to the person who told me about the word "multitude"

It means a lot to me.

What were Jeffrey Epstein's last words?

"The encryption codes are hidden behind the Dali painting in the guest bathroom. Hey, I told you what you wan...."

Disabled people have earned the word “special.” Special needs, special school and special requirements...

So it always alarms me when I hear special forces going to war!

What's another word for a mattress?

A loaf of bed.

I was in the middle of a heated conversation when I said "Mark my words!!"

It's nice to have a guy called Mark bringing my dictionary to me whenever I need it.

What were the last words of the suicide bomber at the French restaurant?

Blown appetite.

Out of all the Spanish words I know...

Preferido is my favourite.

I live my life based on the words of Batman:

“I’ll get drive thru.”

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[NSFW] A boy asked his dad what the C word stood for.

Boy, "Dad, what's a cunt?"

The dad replied, "Grab that marker over there and follow me."

He then went into his bedroom and grabbed a nude picture of his ex-girlfriend out of his dresser. He showed his son the picture and circled the woman's crotch.

The dad said "You see that ...

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The word Boob is actually a diagram.

B (top view) oo (front view) b side view.

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Wife said, you know Hun a picture is worth a thousand words, I said.

Well go to art school and shut the fuck up:

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Some people don't know whether to use the word 'burro' or 'burrow'

They don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

My friends tell me I need to start using the N-word more often

They say I'm too much of a yes man

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I'll always remember my uncles last words before he died.

Fuck me, a bus

If you can't remember the words to the Lion sleeps tonight...

It's just a whim away.

Let's learn Spanglish! Today's word is elbow...

It's what you use to shoot los arrows!

A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present!" The cop growls, "You are the lawyer!"

The lawyer shrieks, "Exactly! So where’s my present?!"

My son: What's a seven letter word for ending yourself?

Me: Suicide.

My son: No. Suicide's never the answer.

My neighbor got offended that I used the word “puke”

But to me that’s what her cooking tasted like.

Tell a horror story with just one word and one number

Trump 2024

Why is everytime saying that getting The N-word pass is hard

I bought mine off The Black market

In highschool, my girlfriend and I were asked to rearrange PNSEI to form a word

She said Spine and went on to become a doctor.
And the rest of us are reading this on reddit

What is the Spanish word for accidentally taking a second sleeping pill?

Tambien™

When I hear the words Chicken pot pie......

I think, three of my favorite things

The spanish word for "pool" is "piscina"...

thats because you piscina pool

A Jewish man's wife dies. He wants to place an obituary in the local newspaper. The lady taking his order asks him what he'd like the obituary to say. He says just put "Rachel died" The lady explained he can can actually use five words as it's the same price as two. He says please put

"Rachel died. Volvo for sale"

What long word only has one letter?

An Envelope!

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Winnie the

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

"I went ...

I can never spell the word Armagedden.

But whatever, it's not the end of the world.

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Chinese is a tonal language...

The word "ma" can mean either "mother" or "horse", depending on the tone you use.

This can get you into all sorts of embarrassing situations.

Like the time I inadvertently asked a man if it was okay to fuck his mother.

Did you hear about the word that is no longer alive?

It was pronounced dead.

What 4 letter word for a certain special classification of women ends in UNT?

AUNT

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My wife says I use too many words that I don't understand...

I think she's overejaculating.

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At the end of our first date, I sheepishly asked, "So, how do you feel about sex?" Giggling and blushing, she whispered, "I like it infrequently."

Puzzled, I asked, "I see. Is that one word or two?"

What were the last words of an Italian gangster?

Who the heck put violin in my violin case?

My drama professor said I had to write 5,000 words on Robert De Niro

I only managed three before his private bodyguards wrenched me off him.

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Did you know that when you say the word “poop”, your mouth does the same motion as your bum hole?

The same is true for the phrase, “explosive diarrhea”.

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There are several distinct cultural differences between Australian and America. For example, Americans are really offended by the word cunt...

Conversely, Australians are really offended by schools being shot up.

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