UPJOKE
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What’s a three letter word that starts with gas?

Car

What word becomes shorter if you add two letters?

Short

There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...

When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my French" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that day at school when the teacher asked if we knew any French.

76% of people don’t know opposite words for the following:

1) Always 2) Coming 3) From 4) Take 5) Me 6) Down

During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"

"Of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".

"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"

"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over ...

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At 581 words this long one has the advantage of making you laugh many times even before the punchline.

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of London. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. "Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.

<...

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Word

During the church service the pastor asked if anyone would like to comment on the power of prayer.

Susan stood and walked to the podium. She said,”Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men ...

My 4 year old son has been learning Spanish at school and still doesn’t know the word for please…

I think that’s poor for four.

My interviewer asked me to describe myself in one word.

I replied “vague”

He asked, “can you elaborate?”

I said, “yes.”

Husband: "Scientists have found that men say about 10,000 words a day, while women say about 20,000..."

Wife (shouts from the kitchen): "It's because we have to repeat everything twice to you blockheads!"

Husband: "What?"

Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. . .

At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.

My wife screamed, "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"

I was taken aback... what a weird way to start a conversation.

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A teacher asked the class if anyone knew the meaning of the word contagious.

Little Billy puts his hand up and the teacher says “Billy, you know the meaning of the word contagious?” Billy says “yes Miss, I do!” The teacher replies, “well then Billy, I’d like to see you use it in a sentence” Billy says “ok then, the other day my dad and I were walking down the road and saw a ...

Nine Words

Once upon a time, long before any type of writing or sign language there lived an attractive young prince.

This prince, through no fault of his own, was cursed by a witch such that he was only allowed to say one word per year.

Fortunately, however, he WAS allowed to save up his words.<...

A young girl asks her father, “Daddy what does the word ‘corruption’ mean?”

- “Bring me a beer and I’ll tell you.”
- “But mummy says you shouldn’t drink!”
- “Get a nice ice cream as well while you bring me beer.”
- “Oh, okay!”

i invented a new word!

its called plagiarism

The nunnery and the building site (one offensive word included)

(I don't know what the rules are here about profanity; I've censored the word in question, but it's also key to the punchline, so...)

A group of builders were working next to a nunnery. One day, a young nun happened to be within earshot and was horrified at the language she heard them using. ...

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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had s...

What are the magic words you say to get what you want?

I'm offended

People think “icy” is the easiest word to spell…

Come to think of it, I see why.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

The word shouldn't be "camouflage".

It should be " ".

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"Son, I heard you got punished for using the F word in class. That wasn't fun was it?"

"NO DAD. It was fuck."

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I got confused with the words jacuzzi and yakuza...

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia

A woman was attending her husband's funeral when a man asked her if he could say a word.

The woman said yes, so the man stood up and said, "Plethora." He then sat down. The woman went over to him and said, "Thanks. That means a lot."

why is girlfriend one word but best friend two words?

because a best friend will give you space when you need it.







(i might have posted this twice here, if i did please tell me so i can delete this one. this happens sometimes bc of my network)

Two students are arguing about how to pronounce the word "either"

One student insists it's pronounced ee-ther while the other insists it's pronounced eye-ther. They go back and forth until they decide to ask the teacher. "Teacher, what's the right way to say it? Is it ee-ther or eye-ther?" The teacher blinks and says, "oy-ther will do."

Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were

I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids

Timbuktu (NSFW)

Two best friends, Dave and Tim, died in a car accident and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the gate and said "sorry, there's only room for one of you." The two friends were unsure on how to proceed, so St. Peter made them an offer.

"I will give you both one word and who ever makes up the bes...

The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous

But backwards it’s even more stupid.

Just found out that "Aaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh" isn't a real word.

I can't tell you how angry I am.

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I

also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces..

Boss pulled me aside and wanted a quick word…

I said “race car”.

Some word can have multiple meanings

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes ...

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

I was told to describe myself in three words...

I replied with "always messes things up".

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Does anybody know what D word is?

It seems like it is very upsetting to some people. They call me a dick when I ask them

If somebody wants to say the word “motel“ backwards

just letom.

What was Johann Sebastian Bach’s last words?

I’ll be Bach

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I will never forget my grandpa’s last words

He said, “quit shakin the ladder you little shit!”

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A new monk arrives at the monastery

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned the task of helping the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original books.

So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there wa...

Step 1 - fool people into believing you've been chosen by God to spread his word

Step 2 - prophet

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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"&l...

What’s the most terrifying word in experimental nuclear physics?

Oops!

(Shameless karma farming on cake day)

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is butt-cheeks one word?

Or are you supposed to spread them apart?

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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

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Second grade teacher asks her class to use the word "definitely" in a sentence

Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher calls on him. He asks "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher says, "Johnny, that's not a response to the question I asked."

Johnny repeats, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher gives in and says, "No - fart...

My dog ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles.

I took him to the vet. No word yet.

What would a run on sentence ending in chameleon look like if you took away all the preceding words?

Comma comma comma comma comma chameleon.

I fancy myself an entomologist. I have a way with words...

...when it comes to bugs.

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A married man keeps telling his wife “ Honey , you have such a

"Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo...

What is the German word for a bra?

stoppenfromfloppen

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Six Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead."

He shakes his head and thinks "I must have read that wrong."

He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It's Miraculous!"

He decides he has to see this so he pull...

A man faced execution by firing squad and was asked by the officer in charge if he had any last words...

Safely behind his men, the officer shouted, "SQUAD! PREPARE TO FIRE ON MY MARK! I WILL COUNT DOWN AND GIVE THE ORDER TO FIRE! PRISONER, DO YOU HAVE ANY FINAL WORDS? THREE!"

The prisoner said, "Yes sir, I do."

The officer shouted, "WHAT ARE THEY? TWO!

The prisoner shouted "ABOUT....

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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.

Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.

Charlie: When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.

I knew she was the one for me, and after 6 months of pursuing her, last night she said those three little words.

That's him, officer!

Interviewer: What are three words that describe you?

Applicant: Hardworking, intelligent and dishonest.

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If we change the English word Bitch to the Spanish word Puta

Then the word Bitchin would become Putin

What were the drummer's last words before getting kicked out of the band?

Hey guys - let's play one of these songs I wrote for us!

Best jokes with one word punchlines!

Preferably short jokes. e.g. Two fish are swimming in a lake and one runs into a concrete wall. It turns to the other and says, "Dam."

What were James Brown's last words?

I don't feel good

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The local brothel is hiring

This to be told at parties - needs to have women in the audience.

So, the local brothel has been losing business for a while and the owner thought it's time to add some new faces to shore up some business. She had 3 rooms open and could hire 3 more girls.

She puts up an ad on the loc...

A sailor reported for duty on a ship set to spend months at sea.

On the first day the captain takes the new recruit on a tour of the ship.
He shows him the engine room, the helm, the quarters taking him all over the ship. They end the tour in the captain's office where the captain closes the door behind him and tells the sailor "Oh and one more thing, Seeing a...

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Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Sheesh. I wonder what happened to this poor Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy smokes!" the guy replies. "You ...

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Little Johnny’s teacher was starting a lesson on multi-syllable words.

She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few children for examples of words with more than one syllable. Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words? After thinking for a while, Jane proudly responded, “Monday”. Great, Jane, that has two syllables, Mon-day! Does anyone know any other words? I...

my wife just said she would use a 4 letter word to describe me. It has a C and a U and a T in it

Apparently Im cute!

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

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My girlfriend just dumped me.

She said in a teary tirade:

“I can’t take your shit any more. You’re such a pedant. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you. I’m leaving now. Me and Gary are driving up north through the night and then you’ll never hear from me again”

She was a...

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Wise words and thoughts.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tole...

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The word "Boobs" is a three dimensional diagram

The "B" shows how they look from above, the "oo" how they look from the front and the "b" how they look from the side.

If words hurt

Then a picture must be a death sentence.

The word "cyclops" should be spelt "ciclops".

Just so that it has one "I".

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Can everyone in this sub please brighten my day up a bit? My parrot died last night.

His last words were "Oh fuck, I think my parrot is dying!"

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I can sum up Greek Mythology in three words.

Zeus got horny!

"Meatloaf" is the best safe word.

Because I would do anything for love, but I won't do THAT!!!

The bear the moose and the wolf.

A bear, a wolf, and a moose fall into a trapping pit
After a couple days with no food, the moose sees the wolf and bear whispering to each other.

The wolf turns to the moose and says "Look, the bear and I are both carnivores. It's been a couple days without food. You understand, right?"...

My chemistry teacher told me I had to write a 1,000 word essay on acid.

Unfortunately, my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

I came up with a new word.

Plagiarism: the practice of taking someone else's work or ideas and passing them off as one's own.

3 Girls die together, & went to heaven

Saint Peter said, "We have only one simple rule here. Don't step on the turtles, walk carefully"

Girl 1 walks uncautiously and steps on a turtle.
Saint peter - what have you done? We are going to give you one of the worst punishments.
Girl 1 - It was by mistake, just give me one exc...

What’s the proper definition of the word ‘propaganda’ ?

When an Australian person takes a good look at something.

If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it."

That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.

Words cannot describe the atrocities of Tianenmen Square...

...under penalty of Chinese law.

Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced

by a musical instrument.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I WILL find you...

You have my Word.

Rubble is a word for worthless garbage

Sorry I meant ruble.

Spelling bee judge: "Your word is 'seaward'."

Contestant: "C-U-N..."

Judge: "DEAR GOD PLEASE STOP."

How can a letter appear 3 times in a 5-letter word?

Must be an error.

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions......... 1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? 2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?r>
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make som...

A word to the wise isn't necessary

It's the stupid ones that need it

I’m not saying one word without my Lawyer present.

Judge: B-but sir, you are the lawyer?

Lawyer: Exactly, I demand my present!

A cowboy on a long journey stops at a small town to wet his throat he ties his horse up outside the saloon and enters...

The town's folk eye him uneasily, but he makes his way to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender opens his beer and sets it down on the table. "I'd be careful if I was you. Town's folk don't take kindly to newcomers, they give em a hard time. And that's what you are is a newcomer."

"Is that...

Which are a shark's two favorite words?

Man overboard!

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How did the word "Boob" originate?

I believe it was from an engineer. "B" is the top view, "oo" is the front view and "b" is the side view

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For this joke, I'll be using the word "bitch" but first, I want to make it cear that I would never disrespect a woman by calling her that. So no one needs to get offended, as I am simply, in fact, talking about a female dog, ok?

All right, so last night I was fuckin' this bitch and...

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