Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

What’s the perfect ‘S’ word?

Sword.

"Mansplain" is a terrible word to use

because it has more letters than explain and is therefore more difficult for women to understand.

*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter”

T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please”

S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!”

The word Nothing is a palindrome...

Backwards it spells gnihtoN which also means nothing.

I used to think two was the only word that started with TW...

but then I checked twice, and sure enough it does too.

Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man...

Now they'll have to pay him 20% more...

‘Describe yourself with one word’, my employer asked.

‘Bad with numbers’

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I got the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' confused

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia

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I'll never forget the last words my uncle said to me before he passed...

"Stop shaking the ladder, you little shit!"

The interviewer asked me, “Describe yourself in three words.”

“Lazy.”

Spanish word of the day..

Muchos.

Thanks for reading. It means a lot to me.

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What three words do people dread hearing the most during sex?

"Honey, I'm home!"

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

Did you know most people don't know the opposites to these words?

1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

We invented the word. Why can’t we say it?

Worcestershire sauce.

TIL: Where does the word "politics" come from.

From poly, Greek for many, and tics, English for pesky parasites.

What is the most terrifying word in Nuclear physics?

Oops!!!!

Sorry is a really weird word.

If a normal person says it, your anger is gone but if a doctor says it, you are gone.

What were dinosaur's last words?

"Ayo these don't look like shooting stars. "

"Marriage" isn't a word.

It's a sentence.

People often tell me that "icy" is the easiest word to spell.

Come to think of it, I see why.

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The only B word you should call a woman is beautiful

Because bitches love it when you call them beautiful

Whays the only word in English with 6 silent letters in?

LondonDerry

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A kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely".

To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's grey and cloudy". Another student says, "Gras...

My friend's dad just died and his last words were "Be positive"

We could have saved him if we knew his blood type

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What's another word for fake shit?

Shampoo.

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‘“Definitely’ is the word of the day class, we’re going to go around the room and see who can use the word definitely in a sentence.” Several kids raise their hands, one of which is dirty Johnny, he’s waving his hand and can’t set still... “ok, let’s try Amy, use the word definitely in a sentence.”

“The sky is definitely blue”, she says. The teacher says,”very good, the sky is definitely blue.” Ok, how about you Thomas?” Dirty Johnny can barely contain himself, writhing in in his desk, arm up in the air.... “rainbows are definitely beautiful”, says Thomas, “very good Thomas, rainbows are defin...

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Did you hear about the swear word ranking ceremony?

Shit went down

My wife and I are making some artwork in the name of our favourite Bon Jovi song. So far we have the words "Livin' on".

We're half way there.

I have always thought that the second letter in the word “Hive” is quite beautiful, after all .....

Beauty is in the I of the bee holder.

Teacher: Make a sentence with the word, dandelion.

Jamaican Student: de Cheetah is faster dandelion

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I like to masturbate long words in my sentences.

Even if I don't know what they mean.

My wife has just given me a book with all the words that I'm not supposed to use when we argue....

It's called a dictionary.

Her: "Undress me with your words."

Me: "I saw a spider in your bra."

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Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man. One of the guys said he was going to bug him.

He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a real tosser.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a tosser and he didn't care!"

"You just don't ...

My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"

What a weird way to start a conversation..

What word in English language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer : Incorrectly

My nephew's first words were, "I'm a firestarter".

He was a child prodigy.

My girlfriend said she'd leave me if I couldn't find a twelve letter word that means "obstructive".

I think it's unreasonable.

I don't know about the rest of you, but to me the word "exclusive"...

...means only one thing.

My Grandfather saw the Titanic. He shouted loudly to all within earshot "that ship is going to sink!". He was ignored. But he kept it up "Mark my words. That ship will sink on her maiden voyage!"

Eventually the ushers threw him out of the theater.

Covid has me really bored at home so I read the entire dictionary and actually found a word spelled wrong.

Wrong.

In the word "scent", is the S or the C silent?

Not even *sc*ience can explain that...

Star Wars names are just regular words if you put a random space somewhere:

Mos Quito

Que Sadilla

Scu Bagear

Syn Tax

Rev Erse

Mala Mute

Trypto Phan

Cano Nical

Impo Tent

Slee Papnea

They say “cellar door” is the prettiest combination of words in the English language,

Unless you live in Boston.

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There are three English football clubs with curse words in their name.

Arsenal FC, Scunthorpe United, and Fucking Manchester United.

A woman is sitting at her deceased husband's funeral. A man leans into her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"

"No, go right ahead." the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says "Plethora", and sits back down.

"Thank you", the woman says, "that means a lot."

Valentines day word

Q. Whats the most used word on Valentines day?

A. No

As the man of the house, I always have the last word.

"Yes, dear"

Use 3 words to describe your vocabulary

Limited

Teacher: "Billy, can you give me a sentence with the word contagious in it?"

Billy: "Trump should have responded to the COVID-19 outbreak quickly and decisively but it took the contagious"

I'll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed

"I am your Father"

Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end.

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What is the origin of the word “Boob”?

The “B” is the aerial view, the “oo” is the front view, the “b” is the side view.

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Is "Buttcheeks" one word?

Or should I spread them apart?

Word on the street OJ Simpson is getting married again..

Sounds like he wanted to take another stab at it.

My favourite word in the world is "bargain".

It means a great deal to me.

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Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. “Judy, Judy.”<...

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Rearrange these letters to from words

1.pneis
2.buttsxe

Did u get *spine* and *subtext*

yeah neither did i

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Some people say there’s no difference but there is.


When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE!


When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED!


And if you marry a wife like mine who likes shopping, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!

What are the three shortest words in the english language to describe the shortest thing in the human body?

Is it in?

I asked my Canadian friend if he knew the word for where the land meets the sea.

He replied, "Oh ya, shore."

Scientists have finally figured out what happened to all the water that used be Mars

Turns out, the planet was once occupied by Nestle

A man walks up to the Widow at a funeral and asks if he can say a word.

"Of course", she replies.

The man plucks up the courage and says, "Bargain".

The Widow looks at him, teary eyed and says,

"Thank you so much, that means a great deal".

Did you know “Vegetarian” is a Native American word?

It means “Lousy Hunter”


I am Native American and this joke has been told to me a couple of times. Thought I’d share.

A teacher asks her students to use the word dandelion on a sentence

A boy raises his hand and says, the cheetah is faster dandelion.

Words from the mathematician's Bible

And the Lord spoke to the animals, and he said "Go forth and multiply!"

The snakes came up to him and said "Oh Lord, forgive us, but we cannot fulfill your commandment, we cannot multiply, for we are adders".

"Go and cut down the trees and build furniture out of them", said the Lord, "...

My dad always used to say that “The man gets the last word in a conversation always.”

“Yes ma’am.”

What is a word meaning "an obnoxious person", beginning with C-U-?

Customer

the boss called me to his office to talk about my frequent use of the n word

some people wont take no for an answer

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The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.

First Pupil: "I visited my Nana." Teacher: "Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother."

Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo." Teacher: "Please, you had a ride on a train."

Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time." Teacher: "Excellent. And what was...

Student: Are “well” and “actually” both single-syllable words?

Teacher: Well yes , but actually no

What's a four letter word ending with 'K' that means intercourse?

Talk.

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


&nbsp;

&nbsp;

&nbsp;


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

The German word for bra is ...

stoppemfrumfloppen

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike

but he doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Honda road bike with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in...

I still remember my father's last words before he kicked the bucket.

"Hey son, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"

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Autocorrect: *Gets one word wrong*

**Me:** gadammit fuck you autocorrect!!

**Also Me:** Rhrng ldjdnxh pvmfjs jshabdbc

**Autocorrect:** Did you mean “free wifi near me”?

**Me:** You’re goddamn right I did

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A Man Joins A Monastery, And Takes A Vow Of Silence, Only Allowed To Say Two Words Every Christmas

Every day, they grow their own food and maintain the monastery, all while silently praying.

On the first Christmas, he goes to the abbot and says, "Food's cold." The abbot nods and blesses him.

On the second Christmas, he tells the abbot, "Work's hard." The abbot nods and blesses him....

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A painting of Custers last words

Two guys in a museum are looking at the same painting. One says to the other,
“what does that mean?” Refereeing to the painting in front of them showing underbrush, in the desert, with Indians copulating behind a bush. Top of painting showing Jesus on the cross.

“Its custards last words”...

Two elderly couples have their weekly meet up at a table in their local park.

They take a seat, the ladies chat with one another across the table, as do the gents.

Fred asks Harold "Are you still going to that memory clinic?"

Harold says "Yes, it's been helping my memory a lot, I recommend you come along to our next session"

"What do they do there?" asks ...

My baby daughter said her first word today!

She said “Neglect!”

Or something like that at least. I don’t remember, I wasn't really paying attention.

Guys I just invented a new word

Guys I just invented a new word


Plagiarism

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888

So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

Joining two words together is called a portmanteau. If one of the words is a celebrity's name, however...

it's a Natalie Portmanteau.

A man stepped on a pufferfish and said his last words

Wow, this blew up!

My favourite word in the English language is frequently

I try to use it as often as possible

Describe failure in two words?

I can't.

For my chemistry homework, I was supposed to write a thousand words on acid.

I tried, but my pen turned into a rainbow-coloured giraffe and then the desk melted.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

If you carve a swear word into a weapon

Does that make it do curse damage?

I recently learnt the Welsh word for 'push' is 'lluq'.

I saw it written on a Glass Door.

My 10 year old Son just came up with this one and I couldn't be more proud: What's Batman's favourite fruit?

A Banananananananananananananananana

EDIT: Thank you everyone for the awards and kind words! Just to clarify:

* Yes, he does know the 60's batman theme. My partner loves campy batman so it was inevitable. [The Simpsons](https://youtu.be/TQepz5rsS6E?t=88) also made sure of that.
* Gi...

Entire Russian history in five words

Russian history in five words: "And then things got worse."

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TIL That the Japanese Actually Have a Word for Cartoon Chicken Sex...

It's called Hen-tai.

I want to know what the word "procrastination" means

I'll look it up tomorrow.

A close friend recently died, and at the funeral I asked if I could say a word

The family agreed and as I stood as the podium, I exhaled, "Bargain".

Teary eyed the family thanked me, they knew it meant a great deal.

World hunger? Overpopulation? One word:

Cannibalism.




I saw this months ago so if you made it or know who did comment and I'll make a edit

A teacher asks her students to use the word harassment in a sentence

One of the student raises his hand and says: “My big brother is really depressed nowadays”

The teacher asks: “why”?

The kid goes: “he broke up with his girlfriend”

So the teacher asks the student “and how is this relevant?”

He says: Harassment a lot to him

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crosswo...

If I had to describe myself in 3 words

It'd be 'not very good at maths'

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange i...

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