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Word Jokes

If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it."

That way people will think you're bilingual instead of an idiot.
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I just realized that the word “seven” has ‘even’ in it.

That’s odd.
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My interviewer asked me to describe myself in one word.

I replied “vague”

He asked, “can you elaborate?”

I said, “yes.”
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A German boy never uttered a single word growing up.

Then ,one day, aged 5, while sitting at breakfast, he looked up from his plate and said in perfect German - 'The toast is burnt'...to which the family were amazed at. 'You can speak, that's amazing, why have you never spoken until now?'


He replied: 'There was nothing wrong until now'
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What's the perfect 'safe word'?

Meatloaf

(I'd do anything for love, but I won't do that.)
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Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit...

I just discovered that the word 'nothing' is a palindrome...

Backwards it spells 'gnihton', which also means nothing.
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My wife hasn't said a word to me in 6 days.

What's even better is, she thinks it's punishment.
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What is the best “safe word”?

Meatloaf, because I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is buttcheeks one word...

or should I spread them apart?

I invented a new word.

Plagiarism.

---

EDIT : This joke was invented by me and copyrighted. Dare to take it and a lawsuit shall find you.
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What does the word 'gay' mean?

asked a son to his father.

"It means 'happy,'" replied the father.

"Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?"

"No, son, I have a wife."

Did you know “Vegetarian” is a Native American word?

It means “Lousy Hunter”


I am Native American and this joke has been told to me a couple of times. Thought I’d share.
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When I was a kid, my parents would always say "Excuse my french" after a swear word...

...I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.
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2 word horror story

Prehensile dong
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What word starts with "E" and ends in "E" but only has one letter in it?

Envelope.
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Prison may be just one word

But to others, it's a whole sentence
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Just found out that "Aaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh" isn't a real word.

I can't tell you how angry I am.
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i invented a new word!

its called plagiarism
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What’s a three letter word that starts with gas?

Car
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I'll never forget my grandfather's last words before he died.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"
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I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.
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A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

[LONG]

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head mo...
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*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter”

T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please”

S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!”
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Spelling bee judge: "Your word is 'seaward'."

Contestant: "C-U-N..."

Judge: "DEAR GOD PLEASE STOP."
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Russian history in 5 words:

"And then things got worse."
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76% of people don’t know opposite words for the following:

1) Always 2) Coming 3) From 4) Take 5) Me 6) Down
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I asked my German friend, “What’s a three letter word for compete?”

Friend: Vie.

Me: Because I’m trying to finish a crossword.
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The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,

But backwards it’s even more stupid.
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I have panic attacks every time I use a two letter word.

I get scared just..thinking about it.
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Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. . .

At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.
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Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.

Teacher: Give me a sentence which includes the words, Defence, Defeat, Detail.

Charlie: When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are the three words you never want to hear while having sex?

"Honey, I'm home!"

My friend asked me to describe myself in 3 words...

Lazy
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Three words that will most certainly ruin a man's ego

"... are you in?"
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What's the Longest Word in English?

Smiles
Cuz both the first and the last letters are a mile apart
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Ever wonder how a Jehovah’s Witness spreads their word during Covid?

Now that you’re here, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?
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What word means the same thing with several letters added?

Mailbox
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Word is Hollywood executives are mad about Elliot Page transitioning from a woman to a man...

Now they'll have to pay him 20% more...
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Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where's my present?!
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What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

Short.
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What’s the most terrifying word in experimental nuclear physics?

Oops!

(Shameless karma farming on cake day)
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What is the German word for a bra?

stoppenfromfloppen
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For our chemistry exam we had to write a thousand words on acid.

Unfortunately my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted
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I said to my wife, “I can’t think of a four letter word that means identical.”

Her: Same.

Me: Maybe we should get a thesaurus?
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I don’t like the word xenophobia.

It sounds so foreign.
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Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound.

At least, I'm pretty sure...

FP Edit: Jesus RIP my inbox with "sure." Thanks for all the support and hilarious counter examples provided!

FP of Reddit! I'd like to thank all of you commenters and my dad and I love you all so much! Oh! And the ones salty about my edits, you guys really ...
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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough wate...

Baby Yoda's first word

Probably came after his second word.
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Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...
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I heard my son say his first words to me today...

"where have you been the last 20 years?"
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People often say "icy" is the easiest word to spell.

Looking at it now, i see why.
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I haven't said a word to my wife in 3 weeks...

... I didn't want to interrupt her!
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I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I..

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
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What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing?

Miscarriage.

This joke never gets old, just like the baby.
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Why did the US take the "u" out of words like "colour" and "honour"?

Because, fuck you, that's why

"Mansplain" is a terrible word to use

because it has more letters than explain and is therefore more difficult for women to understand.
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Why do British people pronounce the word “Bri’ish” like they do?

Because they drank all the T.

(Told to me by my 11yo)
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Accordion to a recent survey, 7 out of 10 people don't notice when a word in a sentence is replaced

by a musical instrument.
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What's that word for when your home turns into a storage unit every full moon?

Oh yeah, a werehouse
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Husband: "Scientists have found that men say about 10,000 words a day, while women say about 20,000..."

Wife (shouts from the kitchen): "It's because we have to repeat everything twice to you blockheads!"

Husband: "What?"
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Sure, white people can't say the "N word" but.

atleast we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "Hey, Dad."
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Man, I still remember my grandpa's last words...

"Stop playing with that shotgun you little fucking cunt."

Can anyone use the word "contagious" in a sentence?

Julia raises her hand. “Yes, Julia?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”

“Very good, Julia!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Shazza raises her hand. “Yes, Shaz...
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It's incredible how many French words are now used in the English language

There's 'Hors D'oeuvres' for starters.
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The only "b" word a girl should be called is beautiful

Bitches love being called beautiful

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A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,

"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

"Goan!"

"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

After several more calls t...

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I’ll never forget my grandpas last words.

Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!

90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.

Always



Coming



From



Take



Me



Down
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A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead."

He shakes his head and thinks "I must have read that wrong."

He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It's Miraculous!"

He decides he has to see this so he pull...

Some word can have multiple meanings

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes ...
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My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?"

What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
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When you say the word "poop"

your mouth moves just like your butt-hole does when you poop.

The same is true for "explosive diarrhea".

During English class the teacher asks Little Johnny "have you ever heard of the word contagious before?"

"Of course miss" Johnny replies "my father actually said it when we were talking yesterday".

"Can you repeat it for the class and tell us how he used it in a sentence?"

"Yes, miss. We were watching the neighbour take his garbage out when his bin tipped over spilling rubbish all over ...
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Word

During the church service the pastor asked if anyone would like to comment on the power of prayer.

Susan stood and walked to the podium. She said,”Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men ...

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The word "Boobs" is a three dimensional diagram

The "B" shows how they look from above, the "oo" how they look from the front and the "b" how they look from the side.

What’s the worst three little words a man can hear from a woman?

Is it in ?
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There’s a great actor who can no longer remember his lines, and when word gets out, no one will hire him.

After many years he finally finds a theater that is prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, “This is the most important part, but it has only one line. You walk out on stage at the opening, carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff...
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A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'...

Teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
“Well done, Roland," says the teacher, "can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie...
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Why do The Brit’s still use ‘u’ in words like “colour” and “armour”?

Because Rick Astley is British.
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A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...
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What’s another word for Gluttony?

Insinuate
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The teacher asked little Johnny if he could write a song using the words “analyze” and “anatomy”

This was Johnny’s response:

My analyze over the ocean
My analyze over the sea
My analyze over the ocean
Oh bring back my anatomy!
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Incorrect usage of the word 'Fuckin'

Bob had broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick - How you doing?

Bob - Fine. Hey will you do me a favor... go upstairs and get me my slippers. My feet are fuckin freezin.

Mick goes up and sees Bob's hot 21 year old twin sisters lying on the bed.

He t...

A: Are you the one responsible for using word contractions inappropriately?

B: I'm.
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A teacher asks her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

First she calls on Sussy. "My dad and I went to the movies and we were fascinated!" Sussy says.
"Well that's pretty good, but I wanted you to use fascinate not fascinated."

So she calls on Mary next. "My family went to the zoo, and it was fascinating!" Mary says.
"That's not bad either,...

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The Word Election and Erection Are Spelt Similarly. They also have the same meaning

A dick rising to power!

What’s the perfect ‘S’ word?

Sword.
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If someone wants to say the word "motel" backwards

Just letom.
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A man walks up to the Widow at a funeral and asks if he can say a word.

"Of course", she replies.

The man plucks up the courage and says, "Bargain".

The Widow looks at him, teary eyed and says,

"Thank you so much, that means a great deal".
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If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard the word “coronavirus” this month ...

... I’d be rich enough to afford a test.
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I remember my dad's last words before kicking the bucket

"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
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NSFW A teacher asked her class if anyone could use the word contagious in a sentence. One girl raiser her hand and said, “The mumps are contagious” “Very good”, said the teacher, “Would anyone else like to try?” A boy raised his hand and said,

“Our next-door neighbor was painting her house by herself, and my dad said it would take the contagious.”
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A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.
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Little Johnny is in grade two class when the teacher says, "Okay boys and girls, today we are going to learn a new word."

She writes the word on the chalkboard and asks, "Who knows how to say our new word?"
Little Johnny, who is sitting in the back, puts his hand up and yells, "Oh, I know, I know, pick me, pick me!"
The teacher knows Little Johnny is a troublemaker, and he will probably say something silly, s...

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I came out my front door this morning to see my neighbour frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray painted on his front window.

"What's been going on John?"' I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

Dirty bastard.

Words can't describe how beautiful you are...

But numbers can.

2/10
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Do you know any words that end in AT?

Man 2: Gnat does.
Man 1: what does?
Man 2: yeah, what ends in AT.
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I never forget my sons first words...

"Where the fuck have you been for 16 years"

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Grown-up words.

A primary one teacher was speaking to her class on the first day of term.

>"Alright class, I'd like everyone to tell me what they did over the summer holiday. Remember, you're not at nursery any more, so you need to use grown-up words now. Jamie, you go first."

So Jamie excitedly s...

How do you get an old lady to say the f word?

You get another old lady to say “Bingo.”
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Word joke

A man had 4 sons, and named them Bronson, Kenneth, Conrad and Dominic.
One day, they decided to ask their father if his choice of names meant anything.
He replied, "Only the first three letters of each."
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NSFW What word starts with a 'C' and then ends with 'U-N-T'?

"Count"




you dumb cunt.

It's very important to not leave out the word "each." For example, when the price of 4 tacos is $2 vs $2 each, or

When you tell people that you and your sister each have a child
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The word 'homeowner' has the word 'meow' in it

Good luck pronouncing it correctly ever again..

^(^-you're ^welcome)
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What are four words you DEFINITELY do not want to hear?

"Hi. I'm Chris Wallace."
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Pablo Escobar was being informed on by local children. Mortally wounded by police gunfire, his last words to them were

I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you Medellín kids
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Add a word to ruin a movie:

**- Batman Begins College - The Longest Yard Sale - Charlottes Web Cam.**



Your Turn :)
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My Grandfather's Favorite Joke [word play]

A male prisoner promised a female guard that he would marry her if she helped him escape. This is an example of someone using a proposition to end a sentence with.
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This girl said she would go out with me if I knew a six letter word that's a synonym for "calm".

I said, "It's sedate."
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The word DEFINITELY...

One day in class, the teacher was teaching the kids the vocabulary word of the day.

"Ok class, the word for the day is definitely. Can anyone use it in a sentence?" she asked.

Straight A's Sally in the front row raises her hand and says, "The tree is definitely green."

"Sorry Sa...

When I'm around my Spanish-speaking friends I always use the word "mucho"...

It means a lot to them.
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What is the greatest word in the English language?

The obvious answer is greatest.

But the true answer is Fuck.

What do you call a word with loose vowels?

Inconsonant
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A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...

Police: Turn around.

Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round...

Police: TURN AROUND!!

Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!
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My wife thinks the dog can talk to her and that every bark is a word. My family asked what it was like and I said:

“It’s rough”
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If you carve a swear word into a weapon

Does that make it do curse damage?
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One word of this title is incorrect.

And when you've realized it, you'll agree that it's not right at all.

And then you'll give this post an angry upvote.

Thanks.
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I want to thank everyone here for teaching me the word "Plethora"

It means a lot
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Given the words 'wife', 'odds', 'egg', and 'blowjob' which one doesn't fit the category?

Ans: (First, change the above term "wife" to "traffic" so that the good people are happy.) Blowjob. You can beat an egg, you can beat the odds, you can beat the traffic, but you can't beat a blowjob.

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I’ve always liked the word “butthole”.

It just has a certain ring to it.

I'm going to describe myself in three words:

1. Lazy
2.
3.
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Mexican word of the day: wheelchair

Theirs only 1 taco left, so wheel chair.
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