My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.

I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”

About 6 months ago I got a promotion

So naturally I wanted to celebrate. On my way home I grabbed a handle of captain and a litre of cola. I invited my friend Frank to have a few drinks with me. We ordered a pizza, played some Mariokart, got drunk and passed out. Nothing crazy.

The next morning Frank was still there (he usually ...

We had a surprise costume party for my Australian co-workers promotion and we dressed him up as his nations favorite marsupial.

He was well koalafied.

Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

He was outstanding in his field.

I told my boss I think I deserve a promotion

He said that's why I'm not the boss.

One day a Rabbi was chatting with a Catholic Priest when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion...

..."What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

      "Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

      "Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

      "Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop."...

If you really want a promotion at work, all you have to do is walk into your office shouting, "Vodka! Tequila! Sambuca!" at the top of your lungs...

This will make you the person who calls the shots...

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The Promotion (long)

“Spend $100 or more and get a free 20 pound or less frozen turkey, while supplies last.

That was the promotion our store ran every Thanksgiving for the last 17 years. Well, for as long as I’ve been here, that is.

But not this year

This year, we’re not running a promotion. I real...

I got a promotion at the farm

I'm the new CIEIO

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Psst! McDonald's has a secret promotion going on. If you tell them the secret passphrase, they give you a free Big Mac.

The secret code is "I have a gun, get me a fucking Big Mac".

Why did the boss give the hovercraft a promotion?

Because he works tirelessly.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My sister had a chance to suck her boss’s dick for a promotion.

She blew it.

What did the assassin say when his co-worker got the promotion?

I would've killed for that position lol

A hard worker got a promotion.

Thats the joke.

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The Promotion

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.

"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly" she said "I don't want you choosing someone who you're ...

Two Polish janitors are unhappy because they always get passed over for promotions.

Anatol and Artur are two Polish janitors. They always seem to get passed over for promotions. They discuss the issue and decide that Artur will ask the boss about it.

Artur goes to his boss. "Why are me an Anatol always passed over for promotions? We work hard."

The boss says, "It's no...

My roofing business is having a great promotion right now...

If you buy one roof, the next one is on the house.

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Southern Gas Station Promotion

A gas station owner near Camden , Alabama was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Fill-Up."

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he wo...

One day co-workers Alice and Bob were talking over the water cooler. Soon the conversation turned to Alice's husband Walter and his plans for the future.

"He's up for a promotion, but he's kinda screwed. He'd be moving up from the mail room to a position with some management responsibilities, but he never actually graduated college and that's usually a requirement. They like him though, so there's just one course he has to take and get a good grade i...

The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion

An eye for an eye.

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World-wide known John

One day, one big company's boss decided to visit his employees. There was one man who was greeted cheerfully by everyone. Like really everyone. His name was John. Boss stopped him for a while and asked him a question 'John, how is it possible that our accountant, manager, supplier and even our new c...

A boss calls one of his workers into his office

He tells the worker "I've been working for a long time in the joke making business but I have never seen such funny jokes come out of some people so quickly." The worker agrees hoping for a promotion or even a raise. "But that does have it's drawbacks" continued the boss "the staplers and hole punch...

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A teenager was standing in front of a recruiter, about to sign his life away to the Marines.

The recruiter promised him adventure and action, and the teenager was buying it all up. He finished his training (Semper Fi!) and was immediately given his first posting: he was going to Afghanistan. Being an FNG, the Devil Dog worked long and worked hard, but by the end of his tour, he felt he had ...

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Today, I got fired...

Fired up for a new promotion! All the way up to HR Manager.


Which I quickly lost due to sexual harassment. Its not what you think though! As I was filling out the paper work when I saw a picture of two birds on the lady's desk.

I said "Nice tits."

But they were Boobies.

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

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A man got a promotion...

So his crew took him out to celebrate. But his wife made him promise not to get drunk. So obviously he gets wasted and throws up down the front of his shirt. He tells his boss what happened. "Here take this money to get your shirt cleaned, and tell your wife that a drunk puked on you." His boss han...

A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary privately at home.....

A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary privately at home with a couple of bottles of champagne.

A bit tipsy and feeling *very* intimate, the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Silence ensued for just a...

A reporter is standing at the edge of a cliff contemplating suicide[Long]

a reporter in a small town is standing on the edge of a cliff contemplating suicide when as he is about to jump a road worker approaches him and asks "Are you going to jump?" The reporter replies "yep, there hasn't been a story in this town for years and I'm tired of it." The road worker thinks for ...

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[Long] Lori was assistant manager at the Sex Shoppe, and had been for a long time wondering, when do I get my shot at being Manager?

One day, her boss, the owner, said, “Lori, I have to go on a business trip for the weekend. You’re in charge. Let’s see how you handle it. You know the business well enough. Just remember, the new dildo line goes on sale Saturday. That’s $25 for the white dildos, and $50 for the black dildos.”
...

Did you blow it at work?

I hope the promotion was worth the dignity hit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Computer idiots (Warning: Old)

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" k...

A man ask his wife to tell him how many time she cheated on him when he dies.

The wife accepts.

3 weeks later, the man fakes his death to see his wife reaction.

Wife: Babe, like I promised I'm going to tell you the truth. I only cheated on you twice. Once to get you that job at the bank and the second time to get you that promotion to director.

The man st...

A moth is sitting in the psychiatrist office...

So a moth is sitting in the therapist office, and the therapist says, "So, how's work?" And the moth says, "Oh it's great, just wonderful, just got a promotion which came with a nice raise, they moved me up to the 15th floor and now I have the greatest view of Seattle anyone could ask for." And so t...

All he wanted was a coke

Larry was a lonely wanderer, traveling the vast country of the United States.

One evening, after a long day on the road he came across a small town named Healdsburg, after the founder Harmon Heald. Larry decided to stop in for a meal and a good nights rest. For his supper he had a wonderful ...

A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week ...

A man phones his wife and asks her: “Honey I’ve been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We’re leaving from office & I’ll swing by the h...

After summer vacation classic

All the children inn school were asked to write on the chalkboard something significant that happened over the summer.
Anne gets up and writes the word puppies on the board, and says our dog had puppies this summer. Very nice says the teacher. George gets up and writes promotion on the board, ac...

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Tell me something I don't know.

My wife, Father and mother in-law, and myself are at dinner. The restaurant is packed. I say, "Service sure is slow tonight."

Father In Law, "Tell me something I *don't* know." followed by a smirk. Feigning a smile, I ignore the comment.

A little later into dinner my wife and I are ta...

The district manager sent an email to the general manager.

It said "I'd like you to promote that one pretty girl with the good personality, I can't remember her name. I was very impressed by her work ethic. She seemed humble but extremely capable."

The general manager was confused as to which girl the district manager meant because there were two gir...

I don't know why millenials always complain about the job market after college

In the 15 years since I graduates I've held 5 entry level positions with every promotion.

A King asks two guards to protect his beautiful daughter's virginity...

Unbeknownst to the guards, the king put a trap in his daughter's nether regions.

The next day, the king summons the guards and one showed up with mangled genitals. The King had him executed for making attempts on his daughter.

The other guard, with his manhood intact was offered a pr...

I'm married to Wonder Woman.

She wonders when I'll grow up.
She wonders when I'll take the garbage out.
She wonders when I'll finally get a promotion.
She wonders why she ever married me.

Peyton Manning is opening a bakery.

As a special promotion, he's giving away turnovers.

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A man walks into a bar

Inside the bar was a donkey, the man asks the bartender "What's up with the donkey?" The bartender replies "If you can make my donkey laugh then you drink for free tonight." The man then walks over to the donkey and whispers into it's ear, the donkey then starts laughing, so the man got free drinks ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Lieutenant Mc Murphy was a Fighter Pilot

during WW II, but they would never let him fly because he would crash his aircraft, shoot down his own men or screw up the Mission.
One day the Captain called him to his office. He said " McMurphy all our Pilots have been shot down, you are the only Pilot left". " I am sending you on a suicide m...

One wish

Paul is walking on the beach when he founds a metal lamp, he starts to clean it and a Genie appears
- Finally, - says the Genie - 300 years waiting!, Ok human, I can grant you one wish, ask whatever you want, but be aware that my power is limited.
- Ok, let me think for a moment and... Hey! Wh...

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I'll never forgive the Nazis for how they treated my granddad in that concentration camp during the war.

Five years he was there on that machine gun tower, and never got a single promotion...

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[NSFW] A guy is walking on a beach...

So a guy is walking on a beach, he's in a great mood as he just got a promotion at work and he feels terrific. All of a sudden he notices a young woman with no arms and no legs sitting at a bench crying. He feels its a great time to be a good samaritan so he goes up to her and asks her what's wrong....

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Drunk guy

A drunk walks into a bar and takes a seat. Looking down, he sees three darts laying across the bar top.
"Hey, bartender!" The drunk slurs. "Whas with th- these darts?"
"Oh", the bartender says. "It's a new promotion we're running. Whoever gets three bullseye's in a row, gets a free prize."...

My grandfather was treated very badly by the Germans in WW2.

Passed over for promotion time and time again.

A cheerio walks into his boss's office...

And he says to his boss, “Boss, I want to be more delicious than a plain old Cheerio.” The boss shuffles his papers around a bit, and replies. “Okay, I tell you what. If you go out and work for a year, I’ll upgrade you to a Honey Nut Cheerio.” The Cheerio thinks on it, and quickly agrees. He goes ou...

The Fishing Trip

On Friday afternoon, a man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go on a fishing trip with my boss. We'll be gone a week. This is a great chance for me to work on that promotion! Would you please pack some clothes for me and set out my rod and tackle box. I’ll swing by the hou...

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Buy a used car, get a blonde bombshell.

Charlie was out to break his all used car sales that month with his new promotion. A large sign in his window announced: "A Blonde Bombshell Free With Each Used Car". A delighted young teen walked in, plunked down a pile of cash and drove away with his new blonde.
He parked on a country road and...

I guy walks into a bar...

...as he walks in he notices that there are pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He sits down on the bar stool, and as he orders a drink asks the barman; "what's with all the meat hanging from the ceiling?"

The barman replies; "Oh, that's a little promotion we have going on. Anyone who c...

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An interview to three detectives

Three detectives are applying to get the promotion, the interview consisted in detecting what's suspicious about the man shown in a photo.
The first one says: This man has only one ear!
The Sheriff, a little annoyed says: You dumb motherfucker, it's a profile photo. And asks for the next one...

A Drill Instructor was training a group of new Lieutenants

He gives them the problem of how to raise a flag pole and asks each, in turn, how he would organize the work.

The first Lieutenant says he would have the men dig a hole, slide the poll in and tamp down the earth around it.

The next Lieutenant says much the same except he throws in a fe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is standing on top of the tallest building in the city on Christmas Eve.

A man is standing on top of the tallest building in the city on Christmas Eve. He's had enough of his life - his boss hates him no matter how hard he works, his wife has fallen out of love with him and he's completely in debt with the bank. He approaches the edge of the building, ready to end it all...

Two brothers in a village

So there were two brothers who lived in a little village with their parents. The older brother had a cat, and what a beautiful cat it was! He loved his cat, absolutely adored it. So one day the older brother's boss told him that he had to go on an assignment to the capital city for the weekend. The ...