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Text Message Jokes

A wife sent her husband a romantic text message…

She wrote: “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.” Her husband texted back: “I’m on the toilet, please advise.”

A man received the following text message from his neighbor:

*"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.*

*I have been tapping your wife all the time. I'm not getting any at my house, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt.*

*I hope you will accept my sincerest apology, along with my promise that ...

Just received a text message...

Just received a text message telling me I've won a competition! The prizes are £500 cash or front row tickets to see an Elvis tribute act. I don't know if its a scam though?
It says to press 1 for the money and 2 for the show.

A blonde got a text message from someone

they wrote "we have your kid"

the blonde wrote "what is your demands

and they wrote "have you lost your mind the daycare is closing soon"

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Elderly Romantic Text Message.

The wife, a retired

college English instructor with emphasis on the Classics, was an unapologetic romantic; her husband, a retired salty Navy chief petty officer of thirty years’ service, was a no-nonsense guy.




One afternoon the wife went to the local Starbuck’s to meet a ...

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After sexy time, the man receives a text message. The woman asks "Who's texting?"

He replies "My wife. She says she's at the movies with you."

Never Text an Apology

THE ORIGINAL TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a
confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few
months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to
your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t l...

My mom sent her friend a gif via text message.

Said to my mother:"even moms are sending memes now days."
Mother said "its the memeing of life.

I received a text message from an unknown number

"I'm sorry. It's not your fault. I met someone else. Please don't call me anymore!"

... Even other people's girlfriends are dumping me now

My brother in jail will send text messages

They're full of prison slang. I think he's trying to say he's sorry and he loves us but I just don't get the con text.

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It's so awkward when you send a text message to the wrong person.

The other day I wrote a message, "hey babe, thinking of you makes my cock hard, can't wait to have sex tonight" and sent it to my 10 year old daughter. Imagine how embarrassing it would have been if I'd sent that to the wrong person.

I always feel like I'm wasting a text message whenever I respond with just "K."

Now I write "Potassium" instead.

My heart sank when I received the text message "I am breaking up with you. It's over between us" from my partner.

But "Sorry, wrong number baby" came afterwards. Whew, what a relief!

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A man wakes up heavily injured in a hospital after a short period of coma

After the doctors stabilized him, they asked him what happened. The man says: “Well, the last thing I can remember is laying down in the couch with my wife and watching a movie with her. Then, I remember wanting to drink a beer, so I asked my wife to go and snatch one for me. She told me to go and g...

My girlfriend told me I was one in a million

My girlfriend told me I was one in a million. When I looked through her text messages, I had to admit she was right.

she can't open windows.

On a cold winter morning, while her husband is away on business, a wife has a problem at home and sends a text message to her husband:

“Windows frozen, it won’t open”


Husband texts back:
“Pour boiling water over it inside and outside”


Five minutes later, wife texts ba...

A man joins the mob and becomes the personal assistant to the Godfather

One day he receives a text message from the boss. "I've been having problems with my wife. Please pull the plug and then call someone in to take care of the matter."

The man knows better than to question the Godfather, so he dutifully carries out the command. He shoots the boss's wife, and th...

“Why the sudden terrified expression?”

“I just realized I left my girlfriend hanging last night, she’s gonna kill me.”

“She’s that irate over a text message?”

“No, she’s a ropebunny.”

One in a million

A gal walks into a bar and orders a martini. "My boyfriend told me that I was 'One in a Million' over the weekend," she confides to the bartender. "Well, that was sweet of him," the bartender replies. "Yes, and after looking through the text messages on his phone while he was asleep I can see that h...

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?

All the women raised their hands.


Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love y...

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Weight Loss Program

I very much like this old joke, and I hope you will enjoy it too.

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A guy, feeling bored and tired of lounging all day and getting unhealthier as a result, decides to apply for a weight loss program.

The first day of the program arrives, and he receives a text message from t...

a man wants to see a fortune teller

A man wants to see a fortune teller, but then he doubts her special powers, so he turns away and goes home.

Later that evening he got a text message:

"What a shame"

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Don't forget capital letters...

In the world of high-tech gadgetry, more and more people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of capital letters.
For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jac...

Wife and husband are in the living room.

She's doing stuff in her computer, while he's sitting on the couch typing on his phone.

At one point, wife's cellphone receives a message.

Her phone is charging in the kitchen, so she stands up from her desk and goes to the kitchen.

At the kitchen, she looks up her phone and se...

You get a letter from the Queen for your 100th birthday, what do you get for your 16th?

A text message from Prince Andrew.

Help, I think the girl I had my first date with is homeless.

I told her to send me a text message when she got home, but it's been days.

Your wife is our hostage. You have 12 hours to send us one million dollars or we'll kill her!

Upon reading this text message, the husband responds...

My wife is actually sleeping right next to me, safe and sound but please tell me more about this deal, I may be interested.

Historians have discovered that human rights activist Malcolm X was actually just called Malcolm

He was rather affectionate at the end of his text messages.

Beware of a new scam message going around

I just got a text message saying "Congratulations you are the winner of the Elvis tribute competition.

You have a choice of two prizes you can take,
Option 1 is £50.00
Option 2 is for 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute concert

To make your choice
text
1 for the money or 2 for t...

Out of town trial

A lawyer tries a case out of town, accompanied by his corporate client. After the case is given to the jury, the lawyer and his client wait for the verdict, which doesn't come in for days. After the second day, the lawyer the tells his client to go home, and he'll let him know as soon as the verdict...

I thought about going to a psychic, but then I started having doubts and changed my mind

At that moment I received a text message that said "Well, that's too bad"

A woman is calling her cell provider...

Woman: I don't get my text messages

Tech support: Have you tried reading them again?

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What is your favorite Joke? I'll start with mine

A young man named david had recently asked the love of his life out on a date for dinner and a movie and hopefully a little bit of fun at her place afterward. this was all well and good, despite one small issue. david had never "been" with a women before.
To get past this dilemma, he asked his f...

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Windows frozen

Early one winter morning, as James entered his office block, he checked his phone and saw he had a text message from his wife.

Windows frozen. Not sure what to do.

He lets out a sigh that yet again, his wife was beautiful but with very little brains. James then texts back to pour some ...

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Here’s a joke my little brother told me.

A man find out his wife of 3 years has been cheating on him so he hires an assassin to take her and her side piece out. The assassin agrees to the job no questions asked but let’s the man know that each bullet will cost him 5 grand but he never misses. The husband just wants his wife dead and agrees...

The hare and the tortoise

The hare and the tortoise were having a rematch. This time, they decided to race through Europe, starting with London. The plan was to race to Dover, get the ferry across, and go along the French coast, across Belgium, Germany, and head north through Denmark.

The hare figured that his fur wo...

Jokes on Trump.

Donald Trump answers the question: What is 2+2?

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, "What's 2+2"? And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math y...

There is a line at the pearly gates and St. Peter says,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, heaven has reached its capacity. We can only take in ten more souls, so we have decided to take the ten that have the most interesting story of their death."

Many souls tell their tales and St. Peter grants nine souls their entry. The very next soul that comes up has on...

On a mission from my grandma and I need your help!

This is not a joke, but a request.

My grandma asked me to come up with a joke for her, for a speech she's giving to her charity foundation. The joke has to involve an old woman, and raising money/charity donations. Here's the example she gave me (slightly paraphrased from when she told it t...

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