A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier...

"Have you any two watt bulbs?"
"For what?"
"That’ll do, I'll take two."
"Two what?"
"I thought you didn’t have any."
"Any what?"
"Yes please!"

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference...

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him, “I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”
The driver agrees, “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the confe...

How can Thanos speak english?

The rosetta stone

If a person can speak two languages they’re bilingual, if they can only speak one...

They’re from the US

I told my girlfriend my mother is deaf...

So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mom that my new girlfriend is disabled.

And now we wait.

If a guy with only one arm speaks sign language,

is it a speech impediment or an accent?

This one only works if you speak the conversation...

Pence and Trump are talking about immigration:

Trump:. And, see, with this giant wall, we'll have less of those nasty immigrants.

Pence:. Fewer.

Trump: shh, it's a bit too soon for that.

Cute girls are great but those who speak about climate are

Greta

A student was flying back home so he reaches to the airport counter and speaks to the counter officer:

Student: Sir, here is my passport and the ticket.

Officer: Ok,its alright may i check your luggage.

Student: Ok here it is.But I would like to send my green suitcase to Hawaii and my red suitcase to London.

Officer:( Looking confused), I'm sorry we cannot do that?

St...

Why does a child get to speak in front of the UN?

Or be president, for that matter.

Khrushchev was giving a speech when a heckler in the audience shouted "Why did you never speak out against Stalin?"

Straight away Khrushchev bellowed "WHO SAID THAT?" and there was a rattle of safeties being taken off by his bodyguards. Nobody spoke. Khrushchev bellowed even louder "**WHO. SAID. THAT?!**". He gave a signal, one gesture of his hand. More armed men filed into the hall and stared intently down e...

Two men are roommates in a hospital. Because they are both weak from sickness, the men are unable to speak for weeks.

Finally, one man says to the other, “American.”



His roommate replies, “Canadian.”



Another week goes by and the first man says weakly, “Danny.”



The roommate can only reply, “Phil.”



Another week passes and the first man mutters to his roommat...

The son speaks to his dad

Son: Dad, I've got a part in the school play, I play a man who's been married for 25 years.

Dad: Maybe next time you will get a speaking part.

What language do they speak in Poland?

Depends on the year, sometimes it's German and sometimes it's Russian.

Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’

Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’
I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’

What language a stomach speaks?

Hungarian

How many people speak Portuguese in South America?

A Brazilian!!

What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages?

Bilingual.
What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages?
Trilingual.
What do you call someone that speaks 1 language?
American.

Have you ever wondered if zits are just God trying to speak to you in Braille?

Mine say, "Nobody will ever love you."

What language do people with colds speak?

Phlegmish

What language do they speak in Italy

Times New Roman

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you speak with your wife after having sex?

only if she calls....!

I rushed to the hospital when I heard that my cousin could neither walk nor speak.

Apparently all newborns are like that.

Do you speak Spanish?

A) No
B) A litlle
C) Señor

What do you call an extraterrestrial that speaks Portuguese?

A Brazalien

Why could the god of thunder not speak well after he got his wisdom teeth pulled...

Because he was too Thor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were 2 brothers, one who could see what animals were thinking but couldn't speak, the other could see what fellow humans were thinking and could speak

One day they get an idea, they would go around visiting people with pets, the one who could read animal minds would find anything the pet disliked about their life, then the one who could read human minds would read their brother's mind and inform the owner.

They both begin their business an...

My wife asked me why I speak so softly while I’m at home...

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerburg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next ...

How to speak British 101.

*" For Folks Sake."*

Thats it.

What language does Patrick Star speak

Leedle-ese

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Dad, my math teacher wants you to come in to speak with her," said Billy after coming home on Monday.

"Why, what happened?" Asked his father.

"Well, she asked me to multiply 7 times 9, so I did and told her 63. Then she asked me to multiply 9 times 7, so I told her what's the fucking point if the answer's going to be the same."

"Well yeah, what IS the point if you already answered her ...

What language does the post office at Hogwarts speak?

Parceltongue

I can’t imagine what it’s like to visit a country where nobody speaks your language.

The concept is completely foreign to me.

A Lebanese taxi driver is burning through every red light when his terrified passenger speaks up...

"Aren't you afraid someone will crash into us?"

"Nah. Everyone in town knows me and they won't dare to cross their lights without checking for me."

Finally, he reaches a light which turns green. He suddenly stops.

The passenger asks him "I understand about the red light. Why sto...

What language speaks a typical Belgian beer maker?

Hebrew

When Einstein Speaks

He equals emcee square.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's little Johnny's first day of a new school. His mum takes the teacher aside and says "unfortunately my ex had a terrible mouth on him, so Johnny swears every other word, try not to let him speak in class". That day they're doing the alphabet...

The teacher says "Who has a word that starts with A?" and little Johnny's hand goes straight up. Teacher thinks 'oh no, lot's of A words he might say' and chooses someone else.


"Who has a word starting with B?" and once again Johnny's hand shoots up. This carries on for every letter u...

People say Americans can only speak one language, English, but that's not true for all.

I speak English, American, and Australian.

I wasn't allowed to speak at a university conference about jump mechanics in video games..

..due to no platforming.

Son asks his father why does he speak so lightly at home? Father replies because there is artificial intelligence that listens to everything we say.

Son laughs, the dad laughs, Alexa laughs

A Mexican man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here," said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines," said the man.

"Well, ...

Mother Superior is in the convent, when she hears a knock at the door. She opens the door and is shocked to see two leprechauns standing at the threshold, hats in hand. The first leprechaun speaks, "Mother Superior, would you be having any leprechaun nuns in this convent?"

"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent."

"And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?"

"No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!"

The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D...

I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees

They need a translator, they only speak Vietnamese.

My friend can't stop rhyming when he speaks.

I think he's Seussophrenic.

A man is asked to speak at his best friend's funeral.

He walks up to the front of the church and stands in front of the casket. Overcome with emotion, he pauses, and then says, "Plethora . . . plethora." After that he goes back into the pews and sits next to the deceased man's widow. She leans over and says to the guy, "Thanks. That means a lot."

If an Anglophone speaks the language of the Angles

what does that make someone who speaks the language of the Saxons?

What language do metallic fruits periodically speak?

Manganese.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If actions speak louder than words...

...then deaf people need to keep the fucking noise down

How to speak Chinese

That's not right..................................Sum Ting Wong


Are you harbouring a fugitive?...............Hu Yu Hai Ding?


See me asap......................................Kum Hia Nao


Stupid man........................................Dum Gai


Small horse....

What language do they speak at the center of the earth?

Core-ean

My wife didn't speak to me for 3 days last week and I haven't got a clue what I did to cause it.

Which is a shame because I'd like to do it again next week.

I tried donating to Autism Speaks

Apparently they only take money

If a man speaks in a forest...

...and there’s no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Judge: "Do you promise to speak the truth and only the truth?"

Defendant: "No."

Judge: "..."

Attorney: "(what the fuck do we do)"

[Long] Three men who speak different languages overheard some bits of English, so they said what they knew to try and learn the language.

"Us three!" Said the first man.

"Half a dollar!" The second one said.

"Sooner the better!" Cried the third.

Proud of their newfound skills of obtaining language, the three repeated these lines as often as they could.

"Us three!"
"Half a dollar!"
"Sooner the be...

I speak for the trees!

So an ant is walking through a field, scavenging for food. Suddenly, his legs stiffen up and he has trouble walking. "Feet! He says, angrily. "Why have you failed me? I must search for food, but I am unable to walk." "Not us!" Squeal the feet. "We only are only meant for gripping the ground or ...

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who broke into his house the night before...

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can’t tell you how upset I am.

Believe it or not i can actually speak fluent French

I surrender!

My dog can speak English!

I asked him what was on top of the house and he said : roof

Three friends walk into a hotel room in Soviet Russia

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was in elementary school, we had this old crusty WWII fighter pilot vet come speak to my school…

He was telling us about a dog fight he was in. “So there I was in my Mustang, I had three f***ers to my right, two f***ers to my left, and one f***er right in front of me.” My teacher got red with embarrassment and jutted in, “Boys and girls, the Fokker was a kind of plane used by Germany in World W...

A man speaks frantically on phone with a doctor...

"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill, a small business owner is at work one day and hears God speak to him.

"Bill, this is God," says a booming voice, "You need to sell your business and go to Las Vegas with all of your proceeds."

Bill is understandably shocked and when he asks God why he should do that, the instructions are repeated, only louder. So Bill, having been raised a God- fearing person, ...

A person in the interrogation room will not speak without his attorney present.

Officer: Sir, y*ou're* the lawyer, don't you know?

Lawyer: Yes, but where's my present?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

UN embassy, Ambassador of Israel speaks:

- I want to start my speech with an excursion into history. Long ago, Moses led the Jews through the desert. It was hot, People were thirsty. Then Moses hit the staff on the ground, and a lake appeared.

 The jews drinked, and than Moses took off his clothes and went swimming. When he came out...

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