UPJOKE

"Yoda, are you sure we are heading in the right direction?"

Yoda replies: "off course we are"

My boyfriend is upset that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

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What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?

Vector quantitties

Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who’s speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.

She replied: “I know! There’s like hundreds of them!”

I hate One Direction fans...

Oscillating ones cool down a room much better.

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A man has problems with urinating in one direction

This gentlemen was in a frightful state, bursting into the public lavatory sweating and groaning. Desperate to have a pee, he stands in the middle cubicle between two guys and let’s rip. The pee flies everywhere, up the walls, onto his shoes and all over the other guys who are disgusted and run out ...

Wife: I don't understand why, but you have no sense of direction whatsoever.

Husband : Where did that come from?

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:

Walk forwards.

Turn left.

Pasteurization.

I have the worst sense of direction...

... not really sure where I'm going with this.

What do you call a dolphin with no direction in life?

Lacking porpoise.

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If you’ve never seen a weathervane on the roof of a barn, it’s a device designed to tell the farmer the wind direction.

And very often, the top of it is a metal rooster (or a cock, if you prefer).

And do you know why they put a cock on a weathervane?

Because if they put a cunt up there, the wind would blow right through it.

*thanks to George Carlin*

What do you call a canine with no sense of direction?

A Where-wolf

An Amish farmer and his son were driving their horse-drawn buggy down a road where there was no room to turn around in either direction for two miles.

Suddenly, a man coming the other way in an expensive sports car screeches to a stop in front of them, then begins honking his horn.

The farmer pulls the buggy to a stop, rises from his seat, and rolls up his sleeves. "If you do not back up, I will not like what I have to do," he loudly says....

My wife hated that I didn’t have a sense of direction

So I packed my stuff up and right

One day, Tarzan is swinging through the jungle on his favourite vine when he crashes into a monkey swinging in the other direction.

They both land safely on a tree limb below, but when Tarzan looks up, there is only one vine hanging above them. Next to it, there is only a very thin branch.

"Were you swinging on that thing?" asks Tarzan.

"Yes," replies the monkey.

Tarzan is amazed. "How do you do that?"
...

my friends kept on insulting me saying I have no sense of direction.

So I packed my things and right.

Which direction do you head if you want to find a bakery?

Yeast.

Two Men on a Camping Trip See a Bear Heading In Their Direction.

The first guy starts to panic, while the second guy calmly begins to lace up his sneakers.

First guy: "Are you crazy? You can't outrun that bear."

Second guy: "No, but I can outrun you."

It doesn't matter how fast I'm going. What matters is that I'm moving forward in the right direction.

police officer: That's very inspiring, but you're still getting a ticket.

You're lost in the middle of the woods at night, alone. The sky is cloudy, there are no trails, no map, no cell phone and no GPS. No sign of a city in any direction. How do you get back to civilization?

You tell an old joke out loud, wait a couple of minutes and follow any of the angry redditors shouting "repost!" back to civilization.

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A mum, dad and their son go to the zoo. When they get to the elephants, one walks over in their direction. The son asks the mother “what’s that hanging done”. The mother says “that’s his trunk”. “No behind that” says the son. “Oh that’s nothing” replies the mother.

The son then asks the dad, who says “that’s the elephant’s penis, son”. “Then why did mummy say it’s nothing?” Asks the boy. “Son, I’ve really spoiled that woman”

What did the skunk say when the wind changed direction?

*"It’s all coming back to me now."*

George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump were all leaving Washington D.C. and going the same direction, so they decided to take Air Force 1.

Unfortunately, due to a mechanical malfunction, Air Force 1 crashed, killing all aboard.

So Bush, Obama, and Trump approached the pearly gates, where God sat on his throne.

“Tell me, what do you believe in?” God asked Mr. Bush.

“I believe in education and free trade,” was the re...

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed..... in short, driving his partner nuts.

Finally, his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damm ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

His partner yells back, "Give me a break! You don't stand a chance of hitting her fr...

One time a standup comedian started telling direction puns.

They were downright disgraceful; the audience up and left.

So my friend told me I had a really bad sense of direction the other day

I hate to admit it, but he was left

How do you say ‘direction’ in pig Latin?

Hope you had a good one!

Zayn leaving one direction is just like putting a fork into a sausage..

It leaves four little pricks.

Why does listening to One Direction make people age more quickly?

It makes you go see Niall.

What were four members of One Direction doing in the wig shop?

They were looking for hairy styles.

Despite all the problems it has caused, this pandemic has given all of us direction

And magnitude. We're all vectors.

A lady walks into a store and asks where the XL condoms are kept...

A lady walks into a store and asks where the XL condoms are kept.

The manager sends her off to the family planning section.

After ten minutes, the manager takes routine a walk around the store, to check on things. He finds the lady still in the family planning section, humming to herse...

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My wife and I were arguing earlier and she brought up my apparent “lack of direction”.

“Where the fuck did that come from?!” I said.

I’m dyslexic and have no sense of direction.

I don’t know my ears from my below

What's a superhero with a bad sense of direction?

Wander Woman.

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The night Lorena Bobbit severed her husband's penis, she drove a distance then tossed the 'apendage' out of her car window, striking the windshield of a vehicle driving in the opposite direction.

"Christ! Did you see the size of that bug?" To which the passenger replied, "No, but damn, it had an enormous dick!"

a sick kid was asked to throw a ball in any direction

and he threw up

[Original] I asked my dyslexic Hispanic friend the fastest way to Las Vegas, and he pointed in the right direction. "Gracias", I said.

"Ne vada"

How did the band One Direction get it's name?

Because when they're running the trainbang they're all facing... one direction.

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A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. So...

Wife calls her husband and says, “Be careful driving home. Some idiot is driving the wrong direction on the freeway.”

Husband frantically replies, “No! It’s not just one guy going the wrong direction! There’s dozens of them!”

I'm currently reading this really captivating book called "How To Improve Your Sense of Direction".

It's so good that I can't put it up.

My girlfriend said that I can't be a good driver because I have a poor sense of direction

I think she's left

What's the difference between one direction and futurama

There's only one bender in futurama

What direction did Mr. Bread go?

Yeast.

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

So I asked my friend who is a flat Earther to keep walking in one direction...

I don’t know where he is now, but I know one thing: Best case scenario, one less flat Earther. Worst case scenario: one less flat Earther.

Yo mamma so fat when she moves earth moves in opposite direction.

because it’s flat, you dumb genius.

How one direction ended.

The gone 5 directions

My life has no meaning, the only thing that brings me joy is listening to my favorite member of One Direction.

I guess you could call me a nihilist

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A king summons three of his most loyal subjects to a meeting

The king looks at the first man, who was named Rand.

"Rand, kiss my hand!" he orders.

Rand obeys him and kisses his hand. The king looks at the second subject, who was called Lee.

"Lee, kiss my knee!"

Lee obeys and kisses his king's knee. The king turns in the direction o...

Which military animal has the best sense of direction?

A navy gator.

A girl is walking through a cemetery at night

She’s a little nervous because it’s dark, but it’s the shortest way to get to her home.

Suddenly she hears a distinct tapping noise from the graves on her left. Her heart almost stops as she pauses mid-step. She hears it again - tap, tap, tap.

She screams and starts running down the ...

The movie Speed didn't have a director...

Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.

I rate the next One Direction album...

...four out of five stars.

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A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

One direction have gone their seperate ways,

Isn’t that ironic!

I bumped into two average Joes hanging out together, so I booked it the opposite direction...

... pair-a-normal activity freaks me out.

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A teacher tells her student to tell a story with a moral in it.

Little Johnny says, "All right. I got one. There's a horse and chicken playing in the meadow and the horse falls into the quicksand. He says 'Hurry up! Go get the farmer! Get me out of here!' The chicken runs back to the farm, but the farmer is nowhere to be seen."

"Oh my," the teacher gasps ...

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas…

There was once a very successful farmer from Texas who started gaining interest in his ancestry. After doing some digging, he traced his lineage back to a small town in Ireland. And lo and behold, they were a family of farmers. So he packed his bags and took a trip to Ireland to visit the small town...

Three weddings were occurring the same hotel one weekend.

After the ceremonies and wedding meals, all three grooms happened to be at the bar at the same time and they got talking about how they were looking forward to their wedding nights.

The first groom said "Hey we should let each other know how we got on. How about, at breakfast, the number of ...

In 15 days, a man with questionable hair and direction will be watched by millions as he takes control of a terrfied group of people who don't know how much they can trust him.

But enough about M. Night Shyamalan's new movie Split.

A boy is walking down the street when a man runs from the opposite direction holding a nice shirt.

"Why are you running?" asked the boy.

"I just got this really nice shirt," the man answered.

"Where from?" asked the boy.

"JC Penny," the man answered before resuming his run.

Shortly after, another man came running from the same direction as the first holding a nice pair...

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What do you call a reptile with a belly button and a good sense of direction?

A navelgator

Thank you, thank you! I'm here all week!

I took my pet woodpecker with me on a walk downtown. Lots of people were pointing and staring. Finally a cop walks up, points in the direction of my woodpecker and said "'Scuse me sir, but I'm going to have to ask you to put away your pecker."

So I said, "well where is my bird going to perch then?"

My parents told me to leave the house because I didn’t know my directions

So I packed my things and right

I forgot what direction I threw my boomerang.

Then it hit me.

A panda walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Would you like anything to drink?"

The panda replies, "No thanks, I'm only here to eat."

"So what would you like to eat?"

"I'll just take the fries."

The bartender serves the panda, who enjoys the meal. He asks, "Now, will your payment be cash or card...

One Direction broke up

Everything was just going south.

A driver stops to ask a man for directions

"What's the fastest route to the city," she asks.

"I don't know," the man replies, "but last week I took road 42."

"And that went well?" asks the driver.

"I'd say so, yes."

The driver, happy with the answer, thanks the man and drives on.

A little while later, howev...

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