"Yoda, are you sure we're headed in the right direction?"

Aaaaaaa.....

I’m banned for life from acting in our production of Romeo and Juliet, just because I misunderstood the stage directions.

It said, [Enter Juliet from the rear]

My wife is mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed down my stuff and right

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A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my...

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What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?

Vector quantitties

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What do call an alligator that's really good with directions?

~~A navigator.~~ Fucking terrifying

My girlfriend is always getting annoyed that I have a rotten sense of direction

I finally snapped, packed up my things and right.

A blind man ask me for directions to get to the bar.

I don't really know where I'm going with this, but neither does the blind man.

My parents are really mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and right

Bottom Text because you can't post title only jokes

I was arrested for being bad with directions, but I didn't incriminate myself.

I know my rights.

A woman saw in the news that a crazy driver was going in the opposite direction on a one way road, so she called to warn her husband.

Her husband said "it's not just one, honey, it's all of them!"

I hate one direction fans so much

I want the whole room to cool down but this damn thing only blows one way

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I had to ask my phone directions to the hospital.

It’s reply was, “Keep texting and driving, asshole.”

My wife's terrible with directions

And I always make fun of her. But tonight I went too far. She got so mad, she packed all her things and right.

Despite all the problems it has caused, this pandemic has given all of us direction

And magnitude. We're all vectors.

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Me: Doctor, I am afraid of directions

Therapist: right

Me: *screaming*

Therapist: *What’s up?*

Me: *screaming intensifies*

Bad With Directions

My last girlfriend broke up with me because I was horrible with directions...


So I packed up my belongings and right.

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

What were four members of One Direction doing in the wig shop?

They were looking for hairy styles.

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marksman walks into a weapons store,

marksman walks into a weapons store, looking to buy a new scope for his sniper *rifle. he tells the owner he wants the best one available

..the owner shows him a piece and says "this one has a reach of over 1 km. that's so far, you can see crystal clear my house on the hill from here."
...

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The night Lorena Bobbit severed her husband's penis, she drove a distance then tossed the 'apendage' out of her car window, striking the windshield of a vehicle driving in the opposite direction.

"Christ! Did you see the size of that bug?" To which the passenger replied, "No, but damn, it had an enormous dick!"

What's a superhero with a bad sense of direction?

Wander Woman.

My teacher said we wouldn't be learning relative direction today.

I downright up and left.

Some travelers where going down a path when they stopped to ask for directions to a native...

He said," I would go that way to the forest. But, don't go this way." He said pointing to a path behind him. "There's a bacon tree." The travelers where very hungry and thought a bacon tree sounded pretty good to them. So, they ignored the native's warnings and went to the path behind him. But, all ...

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

What did Superman say when he saw a puppy pointing in the direction he should fly?

A pup and a way!

God walks into a DIY store in Lancashire looking for an ornamental well for the garden of Eden. Not sure where to look, he seeks a cashier for directions...

Before god says a word, the cashier recognises the big guy and says "well, I'll be!"

God replies "I thought I was the only one with super powers?! Thanks." and off he goes to the second isle.

Duckiiiiiies

Two philosophers sat chatting in a bar, when one posed a question to the other. “Imagine to yourself there were two ducks; one that could not stop moving in a certain directions, and could not be stopped, and another which could not by any means move or be moved. Say they were on a collision course,...

A politician who did absolutely nothing good or bad in his life died...

God and Satan are discussing what to do with him.
God says "He's done nothing great in his life, so he cant possibly go to heaven."
Satan responds "Well, he did nothing to deserve eternal damnnation either."
So they let the man spend one day in each heaven and hell to decide where he wanted...

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Do not read this [OC] joke.

...I was in some South Dakotan ‘mountains’ ...or ‘rolling hills’ as the rest of the world would call them. It was just a fun journey to burn an afternoon and prep my legs for a trip with my friends to Yosemite. (I would actually go on to propose to my girlfriend at the top of Yosemite Falls, and we’...

My wife hated that I didn’t have a sense of direction

So I packed my stuff up and right

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?

Because they won’t stop to ask for directions.

Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush.

Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. “Hello,” Bush said. “Nice weather we’re having, huh?” Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction.

The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to i...

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions.....

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"

Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?"

The Englishman says "In the car."

Paddy replies "That's the quickest!"

To be or not to be?

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction.
My copy of the script said: 'Enter Juliet from the rear'

A ship discovers a lost island in the South Pacific

To their surprise, the ship's company find the remains of a shipwreck there, a couple of decades old, and a single survivor, a Welsh mariner who has busied himself building an exact replica of a Welsh village, complete with a town hall, a pub, a rugby pitch, and two chapels.

"...Two chapels?"...

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The Mind Reader

The weather was very hot and a man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming trunks, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, he got out of the water and noticed two old ladi...

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Mr. Johnson joined a bowling team. "We meet at 8:00 every Saturday morning," said the captain. "Okay," said Mr. Johnson, "but I might be five minutes late for the first game."

That Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a turkey with his right hand. When he left the bowling alley, he said, "Next week, I might be five minutes late."

The next Saturday, Mr. Johnson arrived at exactly 8:00 and bowled a six-pack with his left hand. When he left the bow...

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgus...

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Joke from my southern grandmother

I haven’t seen this one on here before, but maybe I’ve just missed it. Here goes:

Back yonder in the olden days, little Johnny would have to walk to the school house for class. As with many young children, Johnny was very imaginative and would play pretend with sticks and branches, sword figh...

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I fucking hate one direction fans.

I like the ones that oscillate back and forth.

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With a pair of bowling balls in each hand, I walked down the street.

A man that I passed stopped me and asked, "Where are you carrying those bowling balls? The bowling alley is in the other direction."

"Oh, I'm not going bowling. I'm going to the club to pick up girls." I replied.

"The club?! Won't it be hard to pick up girls without a free hand?" th...

A man feels burnt out by his busy city life, and decides to vacation as far away as possible from the hustle and bustle.

He finds himself in a cozy cabin just outside of a small, remote Alaskan town. For a few days he marvels at the serenity of the forest. He fishes, he hikes, he naps blissfully while listening to the trees sway. But by the middle of the week, he begins to get bored, and goes to town.

Checking...

Jogging in the forest

A man is taking a jog in the forest. He realizes he is lost after a while and soon sees another man jogging in the forest. The first man asks the second man for directions, and the second man says, "Sure! I have a truck we can take into the city."

The first man agrees, thinking that the secon...

How do you say ‘direction’ in pig Latin?

Hope you had a good one!

How did the band One Direction get it's name?

Because when they're running the trainbang they're all facing... one direction.

A blind guy (Dale) goes to a lumber yard looking for a job. Once he finds the freemans office he introduces himself and asks for a job.

The foreman (Greg) is unsure how a blind guy can work at a lumber yard and expresses his concerns.

Dale explains that bind people usually have heightened senses in the other areas. In his case his sense of smell is extra keen.

Greg tells him Dale that he doesn't understand how that wi...

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Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck...

So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine.

After they finished with their twenty minute *alone time,* Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you...

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I want to see if this Argentinian joke can withstand translation (NSFW)

Two young pretty nuns arrive to the convent shocked and distraught, almost in tears.
The Mother Superior (head of the convent) immediately approaches and asks what happened. The nuns say “a pervert exposed himself to us a couple blocks from here”.
The mother superior, a stocky, strong, tough...

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away!

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A bear walks into a market

A bear walks into a market one day, shopping for salmon.

The bear approaches an old man with sunglasses and a cane, and asks, "Excuse me, sir, could you please point me in the direction of the fish aisle?"

The old man simply stares and replies, "What the fuck?"

A monk and a priest are driving down a street in different directions. Oddly enough, they end up getting into a crash.

They both get out of their cars, infuriated that there had been a wreck.

But since both of them are men of God, they began to talk.

The priest says that it was fortunate for these two men of the cloth to have met in such a strange way.

The monk says that it was also lucky that h...

Did you know that two men named Will created an app for driving directions?

You know what they say: when there are Wills, there is a Waze

Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who’s speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.

She replied: “I know! There’s like hundreds of them!”

I met my good friend, who mixes up directions, for the first time in years. The first thing he said was,

"What's down?"

Bob Seger sits in a park with a tired-eyed old man. He's learning how to play chess.

After going over the layout and setup of the board, the old man begins a lesson on to the movement of the individual pieces.

Queens move in all directions, any distance. Kings are the same but with only one space. He didn't understand the knight, though.

Two in one direction, then ...

A Welshman, a Scotsman, and an Englishman find a magic lamp

A Welshman, a Scotsman, and an Englishman are walking on a beach and find a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out. He tells them that they each get a single wish.

The Scotsman goes first. “I wish for Scotland to make the finest whisky forever.” The genie granted the wish, and...not mu...

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What directions did the Allies need to locate and defeat the Nazis?

Simple. They just took the third reicht...

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