Some travelers where going down a path when they stopped to ask for directions to a native...

He said," I would go that way to the forest. But, don't go this way." He said pointing to a path behind him. "There's a bacon tree." The travelers where very hungry and thought a bacon tree sounded pretty good to them. So, they ignored the native's warnings and went to the path behind him. But, all ...

Man, smartphones are great you can search up anything like:

1. How to make a pizza
2. How to put out a fire
3. Directions to the nearest pizzeria

So i was at the barbershop the other day.

While i was being cut an old man came in.

"Listen", he said. "I need someone to trim my sideburns. I can't do it myself anymore because i got so many wrinkles and shaky hands."

"No problem", said the barber. "You're not the first one with this problem old friend, just keep this small w...

A Cop is driving down the highway; all of a sudden, the car further ahead SWERVES wildy left.

He watches in awe as the car corrects its direction, then swerves right across every lane.

The officer immediately hits his lights, and approaches the vehicle closer. After several more wild moves, the car pulls into the ditch.

The Cop sprints to the car, banging on the window until ...

So my girlfriend said she wanted to break up with me because I had no sense of direction.

So I packed my things and right.

Stopped to offer directions to a guy. Me: "Yup. Just head up the road until you reach that green...no, amber...no, red light"

I could have just said traffic light.

The deaf wife

A senior gentleman confesses to his doctor that he believes his wife is getting deaf but she won't admit it. He's asking for advice. The doctor says:
Well to confront her, I suggest when you get home tonight, ask gently from the door step "darling, what's for dinner tonight?", then if she does no...

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

My wife got really mad at me because I have no sense of direction.

So i packed my stuff and right.

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."




The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50




The ...

A man walks into the library and asks the librarian, "where are your books on unorthodox directional terms?"

The librarian replies, "they're over yonder"

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Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe...

The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in ...

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A Jew, a Muslim, a Hindu, and an Atheist are asked to help decorate a Christmas Tree.

The Jew says, "My faith believes that Christ was just a really smart guy, but we don't celebrate Christmas. I'll put 7 candles on the tree to represent the Menorah" and he agrees to help.

The Muslim says, "My faith believes Christ was a holy guy, just not THE holy guy, so we don't celeb...

My teacher said we wouldn't be learning relative direction today.

I downright up and left.

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My name is Quinton and I have the most amazing luck!

You might be wondering how I became known as the Amazingly Lucky Quinton. I've won the lottery 3 times now, have never broken a bone, always find pennies face up, and still have my pet goldfish that I won from a fair when I was 6 years old.

You see, my whole life changed when I got lost in a ...

God walks into a DIY store in Lancashire looking for an ornamental well for the garden of Eden. Not sure where to look, he seeks a cashier for directions...

Before god says a word, the cashier recognises the big guy and says "well, I'll be!"

God replies "I thought I was the only one with super powers?! Thanks." and off he goes to the second isle.

A 90 year old farmer goes to the banker for a loan to buy land.

The banker has some concerns due to the old codgers age.
"What happens if you die before the loan is paid off?" The banker asks.
"I'll send you a check from heavan, because God would want all my obligations taken care of," The old farmer answered.
"But what if you go the other direction?" t...

What's the difference between a queen and a king sized bed?

A king is slightly larger but a queen may move as far as it can in any direction.

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A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor…

… to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint.

“Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “is there anything you can do for me?”

The doctor replies, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do.  But, I do know this witch who ...

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

A blonde and a brunette go skydiving. Which one lands first?

The brunette.



The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

Yoda must be the worst car guide ever.

Master Yoda, are we in the right direction?

Off course, we are.

[salem witch trials]

**judge:** You are guilty of doing magic! What do you have to say for yourself young lady?

**woman:** It's misdirection!

**judge:** Oh sorry! *"Miss"* Direction, do you have anything to say?

**woman:** *sigh* nevermind...

Did you hear about the remote-controlled weather machine China developed?

It takes full control of a blizzard's direction in just a few keystrokes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, especially two shiny walls that could move apart, and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I ha...

Two engineering students are waiting to give their oral viva test.

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Professor - Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student- I will open the window.

Professor - Great, now suppose that the area of the window is1.5 sq.m and the volume of the compart...

How do you call a Mexican boyband?

Juan Direction

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

A blonde woman decides that she is tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are seen as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive and strong smell of paint. He walks in...

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Ping Pong Balls

Four friends are driving down the road when suddenly they see this beautiful girl out in the middle of a cornfield.

They approach the girl in their truck and decide to get out. They start flirting with the girl, talking over each other so they can win her over when suddenly an old beat down ...

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The Chicken and the Horse (Dirty, Long)

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, good friends who enjoyed long leisurely walks together.

One day, their walk brought them to a swamp, in which the horse started to sink. "Quickly!" he cried, "run to the farmer's garage, throw a rope into his BMW, drive it over here, tie me to it, and p...

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Bob and Pete went treasure hunting in a deep jungle (sad story)

"Damn it Pete, it's been three days we've got no burgers, no beer, not even a couch and It's all your fault!"

"Won't be long now Bob, the map says it's somewhere 'round here... how 'bout you go east i go west that would save us some time right?"

"Right... This better be worth it Pete"<...

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A beautiful woman walks into a bar...

She goes straight to the bar, hops up onto it, flips up her skirt, and starts furiously masturbating. A minute later, she's cumming, and spraying her girl juices in every direction as she spins and twirls on the bar.

A barfly looks up from his drink, wipes the drips from his face and says, "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend told me this, and he might have got it from reddit so this might be a repost but here it goes [Long]

3 best friends decide to travel to an lonely little island somewhere near the Bahamas in the hopes of having a relaxing camping trip, for old time’s sake.

They arrive by water plane, and the pilot informs them that he’ll be returning to pick them up the next day. The men, happy to finally be ...

a sick kid was asked to throw a ball in any direction

and he threw up

Wrong direction

A guy gets home and his wife tells him "Be careful, there is an insane person in the neighborhood who is driving in the wrong direction".

The guy replies "Only one? There are many!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A physics professor asks this question in his class.

If a plane is flying in South East direction at 795 miles an hour and it takes a torque of 58000 N/m2 to unscrew a nut from the main pillar of Brooklyn Bridge, then calculate my age as of today?

The ivy league geniuses in the class immediately went to work. Firing up thier computers and calc...

George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump were all leaving Washington D.C. and going the same direction, so they decided to take Air Force 1.

Unfortunately, due to a mechanical malfunction, Air Force 1 crashed, killing all aboard.

So Bush, Obama, and Trump approached the pearly gates, where God sat on his throne.

“Tell me, what do you believe in?” God asked Mr. Bush.

“I believe in education and free trade,” was the re...

I hate One Direction fans...

Oscillating ones cool down a room much better.

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:

Walk forwards.

Turn left.

Pasteurization.

“NSFW” Why are women so bad with directions?

They can’t tell distance. They’ve been told 5 inches is actually 8 inches so much it’s ingrained.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A farmer got a new rooster for his farm.

Once arrived in the farm, the rooster immediately took off to chase after the chickens in the barn.

Without pause and little sleep for the rooster, the farmer eventually found him laying dead on the open field three days later.

The farmer huffs at him: "Kinda served you right, y'know...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ever-so-slightly

A fellow gets a job in a sex shop. His new boss shows him around. "Everything's marked. We've got a simple register. There's only two things to remember." He points behind the counter. "Deluxe white dildos are $100 and the Deluxe black ones are $150."

"White $100, black $150. Got it."<...

I had a broken vacuum...

then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.

An old woman is watching the news.

She sees a news report saying there is a car driving in the wrong direction on the highway.

So the old woman calls up her husband.

Old woman: be careful on the highway dear, there is a crazy driver on the highway driving the wrong way!

Old man: One driver? They are all driving t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Shepherd and the Cloaked Stranger

One day a sheep was grazing in its field, when it looked up to see the shepherd talking with a cloaked stranger. Once the conversation had finished, the shepherd hurried over to the sheep.

"Sheep, sheep!" said the shepherd. "I just met the strangest man! He kept saying, 'Shop cheese the is...

A blind tourist asks for directions...

A blind tourist asks a fella for directions.

He says, "Where can I find my way to Seattle?"

The fella looks at him, up and down, he hands the blind tourist a compass and said "Just follow the needle. "

The blind tourist replies sarcasticly, "oh haha, thaat's hilarious." and wal...

Interviewer:”Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “ Well, I would say “good at following directions”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Martha had terrible acne and had very little luck getting dates.

She was so glad when Bill started taking an interest in her. She didn’t mind at all that Bill had a fake wooden eye that looked off in odd directions when he spoke. She was just happy to have a man finally take an interest in her despite her terrible acne problem.

For his part, Bill was ve...

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