My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction

So I packed up my stuff and right

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Me: Doctor, I am afraid of directions

Therapist: right

Me: *screaming*

Therapist: *What’s up?*

Me: *screaming intensifies*

Did you know that two men named Will created an app for driving directions?

You know what they say: when there are Wills, there is a Waze

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What do you call an alligator that's really good with directions?

~~A navigator~~ Fucking terrifying

My wife hated that I didn’t have a sense of direction

So I packed my stuff up and right

I tried to join a club for the directionally challenged

I couldn't find the meeting

“Yoda, are you sure we are going in the right direction?”

Yoda: Off course we are.

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions.....

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"

Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?"

The Englishman says "In the car."

Paddy replies "That's the quickest!"

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Why is Hitler so bad at giving directions?

Because all he says is "take the Third Reich"

A monk and a priest are driving down a street in different directions. Oddly enough, they end up getting into a crash.

They both get out of their cars, infuriated that there had been a wreck.

But since both of them are men of God, they began to talk.

The priest says that it was fortunate for these two men of the cloth to have met in such a strange way.

The monk says that it was also lucky that h...

How do you say ‘direction’ in pig Latin?

Hope you had a good one!

I read the directions to get a sticky residue off a window, it told me to try alcohol

So I drank a 5th of scotch and the damn thing is still on the window

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I fucking hate one direction fans.

I like the ones that oscillate back and forth.

I met my good friend, who mixes up directions, for the first time in years. The first thing he said was,

"What's down?"

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What directions did the Allies need to locate and defeat the Nazis?

Simple. They just took the third reicht...

Four Canadians arrived at an all-way stop sign from each direction at exactly the same time

They're still there

How did the band One Direction get it's name?

Because when they're running the trainbang they're all facing... one direction.

I'm currently reading this really captivating book called "How To Improve Your Sense of Direction".

It's so good that I can't put it up.

What direction did Mr. Bread go?

Yeast.

I’m banned for life from acting in our production of Romeo and Juliet, just because I misunderstood the stage directions.

It said, [Enter Juliet from the rear]

Yo mamma so fat when she moves earth moves in opposite direction.

because it’s flat, you dumb genius.

I'll admit I didn't appreciate the direction NFS 2015 was heading towards.

when they headed to the city there was a lot of traffic

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Why is it not wise to ask the homosexuals for directions?

They'll never tell you when you need to go straight...

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The Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, especially two shiny walls that could move apart, and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I ha...

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgus...

I looked up the nearest recycling center in my area in google maps and asked for directions

It opened up this subreddit

Did you hear about the remote-controlled weather machine China developed?

It takes full control of a blizzard's direction in just a few keystrokes.

Two engineering students are waiting to give their oral viva test.

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Professor - Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student- I will open the window.

Professor - Great, now suppose that the area of the window is1.5 sq.m and the volume of the compart...

[Original] I asked my dyslexic Hispanic friend the fastest way to Las Vegas, and he pointed in the right direction. "Gracias", I said.

"Ne vada"

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away!

Why did Miss Muffet need directions?

She lost her Whey.

Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who’s speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.

She replied: “I know! There’s like hundreds of them!”

How do you call a Mexican boyband?

Juan Direction

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

A North American arrives in the UK on vacation and needs directions.

Two plus size women with accents are walking by. The Foreigner says “excuse me. Do you two gals happen to be from England”. One of the women replies “ No idiot. Wales!!!!”

The Foreigner is taken aback. “ I’m sorry, let me start over” he says. “ Excuse me. Do you two whales ha...

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The Chicken and the Horse (Dirty, Long)

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, good friends who enjoyed long leisurely walks together.

One day, their walk brought them to a swamp, in which the horse started to sink. "Quickly!" he cried, "run to the farmer's garage, throw a rope into his BMW, drive it over here, tie me to it, and p...

A blonde woman decides that she is tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are seen as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive and strong smell of paint. He walks in...

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip.

They are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.

The engineer rolls his eyes. ‘You forgot to account for wind. Giv...

How one direction ended.

The gone 5 directions

A physics professor asks this question in his class.

If a plane is flying in South East direction at 795 miles an hour and it takes a torque of 58000 N/m2 to unscrew a nut from the main pillar of Brooklyn Bridge, then calculate my age as of today?

The ivy league geniuses in the class immediately went to work. Firing up thier computers and calc...

So I asked my friend who is a flat Earther to keep walking in one direction...

I don’t know where he is now, but I know one thing: Best case scenario, one less flat Earther. Worst case scenario: one less flat Earther.

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3 Wishes

Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." P...

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[NSFW] A farmer got a new rooster for his farm.

Once arrived in the farm, the rooster immediately took off to chase after the chickens in the barn.

Without pause and little sleep for the rooster, the farmer eventually found him laying dead on the open field three days later.

The farmer huffs at him: "Kinda served you right, y'know...

I’m dyslexic and have no sense of direction.

I don’t know my ears from my below

Wife calls her husband and says, “Be careful driving home. Some idiot is driving the wrong direction on the freeway.”

Husband frantically replies, “No! It’s not just one guy going the wrong direction! There’s dozens of them!”

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Ever-so-slightly

A fellow gets a job in a sex shop. His new boss shows him around. "Everything's marked. We've got a simple register. There's only two things to remember." He points behind the counter. "Deluxe white dildos are $100 and the Deluxe black ones are $150."

"White $100, black $150. Got it."<...

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A beautiful woman walks into a bar...

She goes straight to the bar, hops up onto it, flips up her skirt, and starts furiously masturbating. A minute later, she's cumming, and spraying her girl juices in every direction as she spins and twirls on the bar.

A barfly looks up from his drink, wipes the drips from his face and says, "...

My girlfriend said that I can't be a good driver because I have a poor sense of direction

I think she's left

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Bob and Pete went treasure hunting in a deep jungle (sad story)

"Damn it Pete, it's been three days we've got no burgers, no beer, not even a couch and It's all your fault!"

"Won't be long now Bob, the map says it's somewhere 'round here... how 'bout you go east i go west that would save us some time right?"

"Right... This better be worth it Pete"<...

I had a broken vacuum...

then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:

Walk forwards.

Turn left.

Pasteurization.

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The Shepherd and the Cloaked Stranger

One day a sheep was grazing in its field, when it looked up to see the shepherd talking with a cloaked stranger. Once the conversation had finished, the shepherd hurried over to the sheep.

"Sheep, sheep!" said the shepherd. "I just met the strangest man! He kept saying, 'Shop cheese the is...

An old woman is watching the news.

She sees a news report saying there is a car driving in the wrong direction on the highway.

So the old woman calls up her husband.

Old woman: be careful on the highway dear, there is a crazy driver on the highway driving the wrong way!

Old man: One driver? They are all driving t...

Interviewer:”Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “ Well, I would say “good at following directions”.

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Martha had terrible acne and had very little luck getting dates.

She was so glad when Bill started taking an interest in her. She didn’t mind at all that Bill had a fake wooden eye that looked off in odd directions when he spoke. She was just happy to have a man finally take an interest in her despite her terrible acne problem.

For his part, Bill was ve...

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A friend told me this, and he might have got it from reddit so this might be a repost but here it goes [Long]

3 best friends decide to travel to an lonely little island somewhere near the Bahamas in the hopes of having a relaxing camping trip, for old time’s sake.

They arrive by water plane, and the pilot informs them that he’ll be returning to pick them up the next day. The men, happy to finally be ...

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A hunter takes his wife deer hunting for the first time.

As they get to the deer stand the hunter tells his wife to get in the stand and sit very still and if a deer comes out, shoot it.

The hunter leaves his wife in the stand and starts walking to his stand. After walking for about five minutes he hears the loud boom of a rifle echoing through the...

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An old couple has decided to take their vacation in a foreign land

They've made a tight itinerary so they can see everything and left their valuables behind to keep safe. Unfortunately, neither thought to bring a watch. Worried about their schedule, they spot a man sitting next to a donkey and ask him the time. He happily assures them he can help.

Reaching u...

a sick kid was asked to throw a ball in any direction

and he threw up

A man dies and finds himself in an elevator

He did expect a light at the end of the tunnel and all that, but he decides to see where things are going. Pretty soon, the destination of his elevator-ride is showing up on the display: "Hell"

"Well", the man thinks, "I've had a good life. Fair's fair I guess."

The elevator opens an...

There were two hunters out in the woods

Along the way they split up, and one of the hunters drew his gun at a twig snapping, then shot at the direction it came from.

Upon discovering it was his buddy he shot, he immediately dialed 9-11.

“Help, I shot my buddy when we were hunting, I don’t know if he is breathing” said the hu...

A rookie officer was in IA after shooting a man that had flagged him down while on fire.

In his defense, the man had been waving a Fire Arm in his direction.

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Shirley is driving to office for the first time when

her husband calls her on phone "Honey!! Please be very careful. It's being telecasted on the news that a maniac is driving recklessly on route 256 in the wrong direction".

Shirley goes : " One maniac? There's hundreds of these bastards".

“NSFW” Why are women so bad with directions?

They can’t tell distance. They’ve been told 5 inches is actually 8 inches so much it’s ingrained.

George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump were all leaving Washington D.C. and going the same direction, so they decided to take Air Force 1.

Unfortunately, due to a mechanical malfunction, Air Force 1 crashed, killing all aboard.

So Bush, Obama, and Trump approached the pearly gates, where God sat on his throne.

“Tell me, what do you believe in?” God asked Mr. Bush.

“I believe in education and free trade,” was the re...

Why was Star Wars shot Episodes 4, 5, 6, then 1, 2, 3?

Because in charge of direction, Yoda was.

A young woman was moving into a new home in the suburbs—her first time away from family.

She decided to take residence in a house that was built by a small family several years ago. There was some construction to be done, however, so she called one of her friends who had a background in architecture to point her in the right direction.

He arrived early one morning, surveying the ...

3 friends are driving through the desert when their car breaks down.

They each decide to take just one thing with them as they go and search for help. They see a small village on the horizon, and so set off in that direction.

The first friend is carrying an umbrella, the second a whiskey flask, the third the car door.

After hours of walking, they find ...

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