My teacher said we wouldn't be learning relative direction today.

I downright up and left.

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Me: Doctor, I am afraid of directions

Therapist: right

Me: *screaming*

Therapist: *What’s up?*

Me: *screaming intensifies*

My wife got really mad at me because I have no sense of direction.

So i packed my stuff and right.

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

God walks into a DIY store in Lancashire looking for an ornamental well for the garden of Eden. Not sure where to look, he seeks a cashier for directions...

Before god says a word, the cashier recognises the big guy and says "well, I'll be!"

God replies "I thought I was the only one with super powers?! Thanks." and off he goes to the second isle.

A man walks into the library and asks the librarian, "where are your books on unorthodox directional terms?"

The librarian replies, "they're over yonder"

My wife hated that I didn’t have a sense of direction

So I packed my stuff up and right

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I fucking hate one direction fans.

I like the ones that oscillate back and forth.

“Yoda, are you sure we are going in the right direction?”

Yoda: Off course we are.

How did the band One Direction get it's name?

Because when they're running the trainbang they're all facing... one direction.

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions.....

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"

Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?"

The Englishman says "In the car."

Paddy replies "That's the quickest!"

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."




The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50




The ...

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Why is Hitler so bad at giving directions?

Because all he says is "take the Third Reich"

I tried to join a club for the directionally challenged

I couldn't find the meeting

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What do you call an alligator that's really good with directions?

~~A navigator~~ Fucking terrifying

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Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe...

The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in ...

I read the directions to get a sticky residue off a window, it told me to try alcohol

So I drank a 5th of scotch and the damn thing is still on the window

A monk and a priest are driving down a street in different directions. Oddly enough, they end up getting into a crash.

They both get out of their cars, infuriated that there had been a wreck.

But since both of them are men of God, they began to talk.

The priest says that it was fortunate for these two men of the cloth to have met in such a strange way.

The monk says that it was also lucky that h...

How do you say ‘direction’ in pig Latin?

Hope you had a good one!

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A Jew, a Muslim, a Hindu, and an Atheist are asked to help decorate a Christmas Tree.

The Jew says, "My faith believes that Christ was just a really smart guy, but we don't celebrate Christmas. I'll put 7 candles on the tree to represent the Menorah" and he agrees to help.

The Muslim says, "My faith believes Christ was a holy guy, just not THE holy guy, so we don't celeb...

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What directions did the Allies need to locate and defeat the Nazis?

Simple. They just took the third reicht...

Four Canadians arrived at an all-way stop sign from each direction at exactly the same time

They're still there

I met my good friend, who mixes up directions, for the first time in years. The first thing he said was,

"What's down?"

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgus...

I'm currently reading this really captivating book called "How To Improve Your Sense of Direction".

It's so good that I can't put it up.

What's the difference between a queen and a king sized bed?

A king is slightly larger but a queen may move as far as it can in any direction.

I’m banned for life from acting in our production of Romeo and Juliet, just because I misunderstood the stage directions.

It said, [Enter Juliet from the rear]

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Why is it not wise to ask the homosexuals for directions?

They'll never tell you when you need to go straight...

What direction did Mr. Bread go?

Yeast.

Why did Miss Muffet need directions?

She lost her Whey.

Yo mamma so fat when she moves earth moves in opposite direction.

because it’s flat, you dumb genius.

I'll admit I didn't appreciate the direction NFS 2015 was heading towards.

when they headed to the city there was a lot of traffic

I looked up the nearest recycling center in my area in google maps and asked for directions

It opened up this subreddit

[Original] I asked my dyslexic Hispanic friend the fastest way to Las Vegas, and he pointed in the right direction. "Gracias", I said.

"Ne vada"

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A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor…

… to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint.

“Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “is there anything you can do for me?”

The doctor replies, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do.  But, I do know this witch who ...

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away!

Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who’s speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.

She replied: “I know! There’s like hundreds of them!”

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My name is Quinton and I have the most amazing luck!

You might be wondering how I became known as the Amazingly Lucky Quinton. I've won the lottery 3 times now, have never broken a bone, always find pennies face up, and still have my pet goldfish that I won from a fair when I was 6 years old.

You see, my whole life changed when I got lost in a ...

A North American arrives in the UK on vacation and needs directions.

Two plus size women with accents are walking by. The Foreigner says “excuse me. Do you two gals happen to be from England”. One of the women replies “ No idiot. Wales!!!!”

The Foreigner is taken aback. “ I’m sorry, let me start over” he says. “ Excuse me. Do you two whales ha...

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

Christopher Columbus got lost

Because the directions weren't 'pacific

The deaf wife

A senior gentleman confesses to his doctor that he believes his wife is getting deaf but she won't admit it. He's asking for advice. The doctor says:
Well to confront her, I suggest when you get home tonight, ask gently from the door step "darling, what's for dinner tonight?", then if she does no...

A Cop is driving down the highway; all of a sudden, the car further ahead SWERVES wildy left.

He watches in awe as the car corrects its direction, then swerves right across every lane.

The officer immediately hits his lights, and approaches the vehicle closer. After several more wild moves, the car pulls into the ditch.

The Cop sprints to the car, banging on the window until ...

Deputy Herbert was patrolling in his car down a road of a small town blanketed in snow one night.

Although it wasn't currently snowing, the temperature was well below freezing. No one would come out unless it was for emergencies. As the policeman rounded a corner, his headlights briefly passed over a vacant lot. Herbert quickly noticed something odd, and reversed his car so his headlights pointe...

My flight attendant girlfriend just broke up with me

Said we’re just going in different directions.

Two engineering students are waiting to give their oral viva test.

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Professor - Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student- I will open the window.

Professor - Great, now suppose that the area of the window is1.5 sq.m and the volume of the compart...

How one direction ended.

The gone 5 directions

A 90 year old farmer goes to the banker for a loan to buy land.

The banker has some concerns due to the old codgers age.
"What happens if you die before the loan is paid off?" The banker asks.
"I'll send you a check from heavan, because God would want all my obligations taken care of," The old farmer answered.
"But what if you go the other direction?" t...

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The Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, especially two shiny walls that could move apart, and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I ha...

I’m dyslexic and have no sense of direction.

I don’t know my ears from my below

Yoda must be the worst car guide ever.

Master Yoda, are we in the right direction?

Off course, we are.

So I asked my friend who is a flat Earther to keep walking in one direction...

I don’t know where he is now, but I know one thing: Best case scenario, one less flat Earther. Worst case scenario: one less flat Earther.

I can't write jokes, but a friend of mine gave me a foolproof formula. He said "Start with a natural set-up, lead the audience in one direction, then hit them with a punch line they weren't expecting."

So here goes:

Walk forwards.

Turn left.

Pasteurization.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

Did you hear about the remote-controlled weather machine China developed?

It takes full control of a blizzard's direction in just a few keystrokes.

Wife calls her husband and says, “Be careful driving home. Some idiot is driving the wrong direction on the freeway.”

Husband frantically replies, “No! It’s not just one guy going the wrong direction! There’s dozens of them!”

My girlfriend said that I can't be a good driver because I have a poor sense of direction

I think she's left

How do you call a Mexican boyband?

Juan Direction

A blonde and a brunette go skydiving. Which one lands first?

The brunette.



The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

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The Chicken and the Horse (Dirty, Long)

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, good friends who enjoyed long leisurely walks together.

One day, their walk brought them to a swamp, in which the horse started to sink. "Quickly!" he cried, "run to the farmer's garage, throw a rope into his BMW, drive it over here, tie me to it, and p...

A blonde woman decides that she is tired of all the blonde jokes and how all blondes are seen as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive and strong smell of paint. He walks in...

[salem witch trials]

**judge:** You are guilty of doing magic! What do you have to say for yourself young lady?

**woman:** It's misdirection!

**judge:** Oh sorry! *"Miss"* Direction, do you have anything to say?

**woman:** *sigh* nevermind...

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A physics professor asks this question in his class.

If a plane is flying in South East direction at 795 miles an hour and it takes a torque of 58000 N/m2 to unscrew a nut from the main pillar of Brooklyn Bridge, then calculate my age as of today?

The ivy league geniuses in the class immediately went to work. Firing up thier computers and calc...

a sick kid was asked to throw a ball in any direction

and he threw up

George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump were all leaving Washington D.C. and going the same direction, so they decided to take Air Force 1.

Unfortunately, due to a mechanical malfunction, Air Force 1 crashed, killing all aboard.

So Bush, Obama, and Trump approached the pearly gates, where God sat on his throne.

“Tell me, what do you believe in?” God asked Mr. Bush.

“I believe in education and free trade,” was the re...

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