Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note

I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"

I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

Son's Note

##

A father was walking past his son's bedroom one day and happened to look in.

He was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up off the floor. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

Fearing t...

TIL The higher you drop a piano, the higher the note that plays when the piano hits the ground

For example, drop it all the way down a mine shaft and it'll hit A minor

What's a priest's favourite musical note...

...C Minor

I sent my waifu an apple tart with a note.

"Please notice me, sent pie."

A traffic cop went out of his way to leave a note under my cars wipers to let me know I had positioned my car correctly

It said "parking fine". So that was nice

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, saying “this isn’t working anymore”

I open the fridge and it’s working fine WTF

I tend to forget my musical notes, so my instructor told me to write them down

It was the first time someone told me to logarithm

After every flight the pilots of Qantas airways leave a note to the mechanics that has problems that need to be fixed.When the next flight is due the mechanics leave a report that describes what they've done to fix the problem.

Problem: The left tire almost needs to be replaced
Report: The left tire was almost replaced

Problem: Something is unhooked in the cabin

Report: We rehooked something in the cabin

Problem: The autopilot loses 200 km/h altitude when engaged

Report: We haven't been able ...

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

I remember almost falling out of a window when I saw a £50 note,

Thank God I don't fall for that stuff anymore.

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes (old Soviet joke)

"What did they arrest you for?" asks the first. "Was it a political or common crime?"

"Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven ...

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A doctor goes to write some notes on his clip board, when he notices he was trying to write with a rectal thermometer...

"Damn! Some asshole has my pen!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The chicks at my junior highschool are awesome - today the hottest girl in my English class passed me a note saying she would blow me after school.

I fuckin love my new teaching job!

I got back to my car after shopping and found a note on the windscreen.....

.... it said PARKING FINE. I thought that’s a nice compliment.

A man goes into his garden and notes a broken fence.

He thus searches online for someone to fix his fence for him, but he is not satisfied with their prices – that is, until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing; but since it’s free, he feels like he has nothin...

A man's head was found on the beach the other night and there was a note in a bottle next to him,

It said "I don't need no body".

I accidentally played the wrong note during a piano recital

It wasn't very sharp of me.

A husband and wife were having a bad day.

They were arguing a lot until the wife got fed up and said to just write her a note if he really wanted to talk to her. He agreed, so for the rest of the day they passed notes here and there.

At night the husband left a note on the table saying “please wake me up at 6 A.M, I have to wake up e...

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next ...

What kind of fish farts half a note deeper than any other?

The bass. Because it got a b right before the ass

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer sees a trail of $50 notes leading to an old woman with two bags of trash.

Curious he approaches the woman and asks:

"Excuse me Mam, but one of your bags has a hole".

The woman thanks him profoundly but he, still curious, asks:

"Hope you don't mind me snooping around but where did you get all that money?"
"Well, you see Mr.Officer, I have a lovel...

I saw people putting notes at the bottom of a telephone pole. I asked them what they were doing and one person said:

"We are putting comments under this post."

Sam could sing six magic note

when he sang the seventh he blew up. Do you know why?

















Samsung note 7

What’s Micheal Jackson’s favourite guitar note?

B-minor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this couple had a huge fight and now they are so pissed they will only talk to each other by writing notes.

At one point. The man wrote a note to her wife: I have a very important appointment tommorow, wake me up at 7:30.

The wife reply by writing a note: ''Ok, fine!''

The following morning, the man wakes up, and watch his phone: 9:00!

He was super pissed. When he go up, he saw a note...

What is a programmers suicide note called?

A goodbye world program

Who is Roald Dahl's favourite rapper?

The Notorious B.F.G

Note: This is my second attempt at spreading this joke

So the conductor goes crazy when one of the musicians hits a wrong note

and jumped down and stabs him with his baton killing him. He's given the death penalty. For his last meal he wants a dozen bananas. They hit the switch on the electric chair and nothing happens. They explain that they have to let him go free. He gets his job back at the orchestra and the next perfor...

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My doctor was having trouble writing notes in my chart.

He kept scribbling, frowning, shaking the pen.

I said "Hey, doc! That's not a pen, it's a thermometer!"

He shouted "My God! Do you know what this means?"

"Dear God, what?"

"Some asshole's got my fountain pen!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call your notes for a male reproductive system class?

Your dicktionary.

When I compose songs on my piano, I play multiple notes at once to make my songs longer.

They're extension chords.

Why did the music note drop out of college?

Because it couldn’t pick a major

8-year old Billy comes home from school with a note from his teacher.

It says, "Billy stole a pencil from the student next to him." Billy's father is furious. He goes to great lengths to lecture Billy and let him know how upset and disappointed he is, and he grounds the boy for two weeks.

Finally, he concludes, "Anyway, Billy, if you needed a pencil, why didn't...

Before my girlfriend walked out, she left a note on the fridge saying "This isn't working"

Which is weird, because the beer I pulled out after reading the note was pretty cold.

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom. On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore." I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breath....

As he lay in my arms, I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

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Fred Phelps, leader of Westboro Baptist Church, found dead in home surrounded by piles of partially chewed food. Cause of death: starvation. Next to his body was a note in his own handwriting

"Can't swallow cause that's gay"

Year 2108 :A guy writes a suicide note on a paper

_Can't find a tree to hang_

Just been to get a loaf of bread at a cost of £1.03 and gave the grumpy looking girl at the till a £20 note.

She said "have you got anything smaller as that would take all my change."

I said "no sorry but I can pay on card if that helps?"

She sarcastically said " of course it would help"

So as a presented my card she said "Cash back?"

I said "Yes please!"

"How much?" She ...

A Blonde hard up for cash kidnaps a kid at the park.

She writes a random note:

“I have your son. If you want to see him again, tonight leave a bag with $500 under a park bench by the pond.

PS. No cops!

- Blonde.”

Realizing that she has no idea where to send it and not wanting to expose herself in the first place, she sm...

A bass player joke.

A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"

"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"

"That's great son!"

The next week rolls a...

I hate when people don't leave a suicide note.

Would it kill them to write few sentences?

When your grandpa throws a nokia and knock you out, but you throw a note 7 and it explodes.

The future is now old man

My friend who died last week left a note stating that his girlfriend was the reason for his suicide.

It was the only time in the last 3 years that they were both on the same page.

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying, “This isn’t working. I am leaving, good bye.”

I opened up the fridge and it seems to be working just fine...and she says I’m the stupid one?

I got in trouble in school today

I was caught passing notes in music class.

My wife has left me a note: ‘I’m leaving you because you’re so stupid and bigoted.’

Well I’m not stupid, I’m actually dyslexic. And I can’t help having big toes.

I came home from work to see a note on the refrigerator: "I'm leaving you, and I'm taking the kids".

So I quickly pulled the plug out...you're not going anywhere!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

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I found a note on the Fridge from my Wife After spending the night drinking with the Boys.

It read " I've had it. It's not working! I'm going to stay with my mother!



I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold... I'll never understand that bitch....

A man walked into a bar. The bartender asked him "so, why the long face?"

The man said, "Well, my grandpa died. We had the funeral yesterday".

"Oh, I'm so sorry", said the bartender. "Here, have this one on the house".



"Well thanks, but that's not all," said the man. "You see, today morning, his will was read. I used to think that I was his favorite,...

If only Whitney Houston could hit a baseball pitch as well as she could hit notes and pitch her voice.

She would have had the world’s best hAND EYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIEEEEEIIIIIIIIIII coordination.

The notes A, C, and E walk into a bar at the same time.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, I can't serve A Minor."

[Pelican family pay for meal with $100 notes]

WAITER: Don't any of you guys have smaller bills?

PA PELICAN: \[Dignified\] We're as God made us, Sir

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During my hospital stay a nurse tried taking notes on my chart with her thermometer.

“Great!” She says, “Some dick has my pen!”
I told her, “Urethra gonna have to find me a new nurse, or reread the thermometer instructions.”

As the doctor went through Karen's notes he said

"The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your libido."

Karen inquired, "How come?"

Doc said, "Well ... your husband is very ugly."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wrote a script for a film about a female dog who can howl the exact note you play on your piano.

It’s called, “Bitch Perfect.”

I got a paper cut writing my suicide note

I guess it's a start

Why should you always write love notes in Latin?

It's a Romance language

The Unemployed Engineer

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail." A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic. Doctor: "I have lost my...

Why did the Muslim take his Note 7 onto an airplane?

Do I really have to answer that? Who doesn't bring their phone with them when they travel?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife left a note on the fridge that said, "This is not working"

I should probably contact a therapist to help with my relationship issues. Maybe it's not too late.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher

indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." Johnny's mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closed the door. She said, "First, Johnn...

I got a strange note in my bag at the Taco Bell drive-thru last night...

The lady seemed very frazzled and the note said "help there are two armed men inside."

I drove off laughing, thinking "well yeah it would take forever to make tacos with one arm"

On an unrelated note...

the paternity test came back negative.

Note to self...

When your girlfriend says “you can stick it anywhere you want”, that doesn’t include her sister.

Where do musical notes go surfing?

On sound waves.

TIL the Earth produces global electromagnetic resonance with the highest peak frequency of 33.8Hz, slightly lower than a C#1 note with a frequency of 34.65Hz.

I guess you can say the earth is flat.

I left three notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend.

I left three notes scattered around the house for my girlfriend. They say Will You and Me That will keep her busy whilst I watch football on TV.

What does the note on a vacationing nuclear physicist's office door say?

Gone fission.

I have a Muslim friend with a Note 7...

It only gets awkward when he shouts "Allahu Akbar" when plugging it in.

A woman whose husband had entered the Navy, gave the pastor of her church a note just as he was mounting to the pulpit one Sunday morning.

The note said “John Anderson, having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.”
The minister in haste picked up the slip and read aloud,
“John Anderson having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safely”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke from India

Translated from Hindi:

There is a queue outside the bank where people are waiting to get in and exchange currency. One chap keeps cutting the queue and goes to the front. The rest of the people keep forcing him back.

This goes on 5-6 times. The guy finally gets pissed and says

'...

Henry David! Why are you taking so long organizing your notes?

I just want to be Thoreau.

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