Just after WWII begins the commander of one of African garrisons recieves a telegram:

''The war is declared, immidiately find and arrest all enemies in your area.''

After some time he sends a performance report:

''The order was executed. 4 Germans, 2 French, 1 Belgian, 3 Americans were arrested. Please, immidiately report who are we at war with.''

Dog sends a Telegram

A German Shepherd went to the telegram office, took out a blank form, and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."

The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."

"But," the dog ...

A dog goes into a post office to send a telegram...

The clerk gives him the relevant form and he goes to the desk to fill it in.

When he has finished he hands it back to the clerk with the fee and the clerk reads it through.

The message reads ” Woof woof, woof woof woof; woof woof, woof woof woof.”

The clerk then tells the dog th...

Private Jones’ mother has died.

A Captain calls in the Sergeant. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother has died. Better go tell him and send him to see me.”

The Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.

“Listen up, men!” he says. “Johnson, step out and report to the mess...

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Rabinovich, a Soviet trade official, is called to the Party meeting to be fired.

"Please, I have a family to feed," he begs the Party official.

"Okay," the partorg says, "You will go to Paris to sell Soviet perfume. If you get the contract, we will give you a bonus and let you stay."

So Rabinovich flies off to Paris. A week later, Moscow receives a telegram.
...

An old joke I can't find on Reddit. Here we go...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. Th...

Two blondes decide to start a farm.

One goes off to secure some land, and the other goes to buy some animals. Blonde #2 is bad at keeping on to money, so she purposely only takes a hundred dollars with her. Eventually she gets to a place where they're selling bulls for 99 dollars. Naturally, she buys one. But the thing is, her phone i...

How much does a text message weigh?

A telegram.

Credits to my friend.

A dog walks in a telegram office

He takes a piece of paper and writes:

"Woof woof, woof. Woof woof woof, woof."

He then gives it to the clerk. The clerk looks at it and politely says to the dog, "You can write three extra woofs for the same price."

The dog looks confused and says,

"But that would make no...

This Goat walks into a post office

And says to the Postmaster "I need to send a telegram."
The Postmaster says "OK, what is it?"
The Goat says "I need it to say, maa maa maa maa maa maa maa." The Postmaster counts the words and says "Well, for the same price, I can put 4 more "MAAs" in for you."
The Goat looks at him and say...

telegram

A dog walked into a Western Union station, took a slip of paper off the teller's window, and proceeded to write out a telegram that said, "bow wow, bow wow, bow wow, bow wow." He handed the paper to the telegraph clerk, who read it and said, "You've written an eight word telegram here. Did you rea...

A blonde and a redhead head into their ranch and find their bull is missing

The women plan to buy another one, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the te...

The Telegram

"Telegram"

Oh boy, I've always wanted a singing telegram!

"Oh, it's not a singing telegram, just a regular telegram"

Oh come on, you can sing it, can't ya?

"I really shouldn't"

How about for $5?

"Ugh... I don't think so"

$10?

"Sir..."

$2...

A dog goes into the post office to send a telegram

A dog goes into the post office to send a telegram. The guy behind the counter asks him,

"What do you want it to say?"

"WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF"

The telegram guy says,

"I see you only have 9 woofs there. If you didn't know, anything up to 10 words i...

An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love,...

A dog walks into a telegram office and walks up to the counter.

The guy at the counter says: “What would you like to write on your telegram today dog?”

The dog goes: “woof, woof, woof woof woof woof, woof woof, woof.”

The guy writes it down and says: “Listen, dog, we have a special on telegrams today. For ten words we’ve got a special deal but you’...

Oldie - -Communist China telegrams Soviet Russia

Communist China:
WE ARE OUT OF FOOD. SEND GRAIN

Soviet reply:
WE ARE ALSO OUT OF FOOD. TIGHTEN YOUR BELTS

Communist China:
SEND BELTS

G(old)

Carl went to Brazil leaving his little brother John to take care of his elderly mother and his beloved cat. Three months later he received a telegram: "Your cat died". Desolate, he called for details. After crying, I told John that this news is not given like this, that he should first have sent a t...

#Parenting

A family suffering loss and injury in a tornado sent their small son to his aunts home for a visit, until they could arrange for other housing. After three days came this telegram: RETURNING TOM. SEND TORNADO.

-1948

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Singing Telegram!

An elderly woman answers a knock at the door to find a messenger there.

"I have a telegram for you ma'am."

To which she replies, "Ooooh, is it a singing telegram?"

"No ma'am, just a regular telegram."

"Oh that simply won't do!" She exclaims, "I want a singing telegram!"...

A lord goes on vacation

A British lord went on vacation. After one week his butler sends him a telegram:

"Your cat fell off the roof and croaked."

Upon receiving this, the lord furiously canceled his vacation and made his way home where he berated his butler.

"Look if I was in your place I would have p...

A blonde and a brunette own a cattle ranch

Their bull's gotten a bit old and his about ready for the meat processor, so they decide that the brunette will head over out to another town to buy one. The brunette explains:

"We have $1000 to get that bull, that's all. I'm going to head to town with the Corolla and try to find us one. ...

There are three ways to spread news

telegram, television and tellawoman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit their family's ranch.

In order to stay out of bankruptcy, they need to buy a bull to replace one who recently died. So the brunette goes online and finds a bull for sale in the city stockyards, about three hours away. The price of the bull is listed as $5,000.

Sadly, their inheritance wasn't much beyond the ranch,...

Red alert

A Soldier Was Given A Three-Day Leave To Attend To His Newly Wedded Wife But On Getting Home, He Realized That His Wife Was In Her Menstrual Period.

So He Decided To Send A Telegram To His Headquarter To Extend His Leave But With His Mother-In-Law And Other Visitors Around, He Decided To Code...

A young businessman had just started his own firm.

He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally...

What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).

Telegram

Telephone

Tell a woman

Perhaps not very politically correct in the times we live in, but worth a slight chuckle.

A blonde and a brunette inherit their family ranch...

A pair of sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherited their family ranch when their parents passed away.

The ranch was in dire straits. To save it, the brunette sister decided to take a risk: she would put all the money in their savings towards buying a bull to repopulate the ranch.
...

Two sisters inherit a ranch...

Two sisters, a blonde and brunette just inherited a ranch. They thought that the ranch looked a little empty so they wanted to buy a bull, and together they had $500 to spend. The brunette found an ad in the paper that had a healthy bull for sale for $499, and together they decide to buy him. The br...

A man is shopping for cattle in 1886...

He finally settles on a perfect Black Angus bull. He says to the owner "Here's the money. I need to send a message to my wife to come pick up the bull. She already knows where I am but I need her to come pick him up now before it gets dark. Where can a fella send a telegram?" The owner tells him tha...

These two sisters, one blonde and one brunette...

...own a ranch and have a bunch of cows but they don't have a bull. They see an ad in a local paper that a farmer a few towns over is selling a bull. The brunette decides that she'll go check it out and tells the blonde, "I'll send word to you to bring the trailer to pick up the bull if the farmer s...

Two sisters get $1000 inheritance

They own a ranch with about 100 cows but no bull. They decide to use their inheritance to get a bull so they can expand their ranch. The first sister drives a few towns over to buy the best prize bull in the state but it costs $999. She buys it anyway, knowing that she will only have one dollar left...

The Clock Has Arrived

In the days before the advent of the mobile phone, and even when fixed lines were scarce, an engineer's wife was expecting, and the baby was due any day....

The engineer was very confident that it would be a boy, and was eagerly looking forward to the delivery day....

As fate would hav...

will you enjoy some humour?

Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offense!

------------ --------- ---------

Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long li...

A guy looking in the classified for a used car...

sees a new Corvette listed for $50. Thinking it's a misprint, he decides to go check it out anyway. Arriving at the sellers residence, it's a dream car, not a scratch on it and it runs great.

"Ma'am, I want to buy this car. But the paper said it was only $50, what do you really want fo...

A farmer heads to town to buy a bull.

A cow-herding farmer decides he wants to get into the cow-breeding business, so he takes his saved money, tells his wife he'll send her a telegram when he's got a bull for pickup, and heads towards town.

Once he's there, he realizes that the bull's gonna cost a bit more than he expected. So w...

A blonde and a brunette bought a farm...

...and although the farm came stocked with a barn full of hay, some chickens, and a few horses, they only had one cow and needed a bull to raise more. They checked the newspaper listings and found a bull for sale a few hundred miles away.

The brunette bought a train ticket and took their rema...

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A Jewish Girl And A Greek Boy Fall In Love

When the Jewish girl tells her father that she has fallen in love with a Greek boy and wants to marry him, he hits the ceiling. He forbids it, on pain of disownment. The girl goes ahead and marries the boy, anyway. The old man does not even go to the wedding and stops talking to her altogether....

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The day after Stalin's death...

...the Soviet nation decided to get rid of him once and for all and bury him as far away as possible. They set up a special commission.

The commission turned to the British government with the request that they make available a plot in a British cemetery.

“Well,” replies the British go...

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