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Women have absolutely no idea how to chat up us guys.

As if "Fuck off you loser" was going to get me into bed.

Two Irishmen have a bright idea

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”

Murphy watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts: “Paddy...

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I have an idea for a retro console. The NES but with a turbo button

I call it: "NES quick"

“Officer, how did the hackers manage to get away?”

“I have no idea. They just ransomware.”

Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?"

Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."

I have no idea what’s going on with Brexit....

...which is something I have in common with Britain’s government.

What was the Terminator's worst Haloween costume idea?

"I'll be black"

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up. “I have an idea!” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table...

“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffe...

At first, I thought my idea for a social media platform had failed

But then I made a 4chan.

A billionaire gets an idea to build a bridge from Los Angeles to Hawaii

He approaches a civil engineer to design this massive bridge for him.

The engineer tells him, “Look, this isn’t a matter of money, it simply can’t be done. The Pacific Ocean is too deep, no concrete beam could support the pressure of the depths, let alone the thousands that would be needed to...

I just had an idea for an app that can connect people with tourettes and similar conditions, so they can have conversations together about their experiences, it's called:

Tic Talk

(I feel comfortable making this joke. I have a tic disorder)

I think the death penalty is a good idea...

If executed properly.

On second thought, maybe Communist America wouldn’t be such a bad idea...

We could all stand to lose a few pounds.

FREE Halloween costume idea:

Set yourself on fire and go as the planet.

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Tonks: Remus, I swear, I have no idea how those dog hairs got there...

Remus: Are you fucking Sirius?!

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A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.

As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier - he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result.



One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a b...

I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.

It will be for people who love meat tender.

I think it’s a good idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.

But that’s just my two scents.

Years ago, the idea of "sitting at home staring at your phone" would have sounded sad and pathetic.

Now it just sounds kind of sad and pathetic.

My, how times have changed.

I have no idea what the difference between genuinly and generally is

I'm generally confused

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I asked my wife to go online and watch some porn to get some ideas for the bedroom.

Next time we made love, she laid there motionless. I asked her "what are you doing?". She replied, I saw this online, it's called "buffering".

If you have difficulty controlling your temper, it's a bad idea to take a chihuahua for a walk.

Because you're going to need to use a little restraint.

After my friend poured ketchup in his eyes for a dare he exclaimed, “This was a terrible idea.”

Heinz sight is 20/20

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

Trump ran on wanting to build a wall. And I think that’s his one good idea, because walls work. It’s irrefutable.

I was in China last year. I didn’t see one Mexican.



\- Jimmy Carr

50 years later most people have no idea who Neil Armstrong is

Or what kind of saxophone music he played

A wife finds her husband sipping some rum on the patio, he says, "I love you so much, I have no idea what I would do without you". The wife asks, "Is that you talking, or the rum?"

He replied, "That's me, talking to the rum."

Everyone is of the idea that shark song will be played 18 years from now in proms and clubs. As adults do you ever go singing... the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round, the wheels on the bus go round and round, all through the town....

..... the doors on the bus go open and shut, open and shut, the doors on the bus go open and shut all through the town.....

Tomorrow, I am finally fulfilling my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person, and I’ve no idea what I’ll do when I finally see it.

I think I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

I have the best idea to tackle over-population

Send your kids after John Wick

I have this new idea for an airplane...

...but I don't think it's gonna fly.

It is never a good idea to fight Destiny.

Because then you'll have to fight the other strippers and the bouncer too.

The take a penny, leave a penny trays in businesses are a great idea that obviously makes things easier for customers and merchants alike by saving time and effort for all.

It's common cents.

I thought I had a great idea to get 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' out of my head

But then away it went away it went away it went away it went

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A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

What is your idea of a perfect date?

DD/MM/YYYY

other formats are so confusing really

I just found out one of my friends is addicted to hard drugs. It’s really affecting me because I had no idea. If only I’d know

... He could have been buying them from me this whole time.

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At first, Caesar thought it was a bad idea to masturbate while counting his people.

But before long, he came to his census.

I didn't think Neuralink was a good idea...

but Elon changed my mind!

I believe in the idea of a Free Will.

I just really don't think he should be behind bars. Free Will!

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

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I knew a lady whose idea of community service was giving handjobs to blue collar workers.

She was a jack off all trades.

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[Long] A guy walks into a bar and demands 3 shots of tequila. Bartender obliges and says, "rough day?". "You have no idea!", the guy replies as he slams down the shots...

He begins telling him about his horrible day when a jar full of money at the end of the bar catches his eye. "What's that jar of money for over there? It's full to the brim of $10's and $20's!"

Bartender tells him it's a challenge he offers to his patrons, $10 to play, and you have to complet...

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A man sees a sign that reads “Brothel” but has no idea what it is

This looks like a mysterious fucking place to me

The Markaveich principle is that the person an idea is named after is not the first to discover it.

This was first thought of by Markaveich in 1842

Asked my dream girl out today, and she was entertained by the idea!

She just started laughing at me...

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Police officers stops car towing, no idea for better title

first time poster, not sure if its re-post sorry if it is, translated as im not from english speaking countrie

Driver of old Yugo (old shitty car) had stopped on highway because of engine problem and started to stop cars for towing to nearest exit, there happened to Ferrari driver to stop and...

I thought starting a creative writing group for felons would be a great idea.

Turns out it has its prose and cons.

My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!

"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"

My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"

I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"



(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with g...

My parents were very against the idea of me getting a tattoo. Eventually they conceded and said that I just had to make sure I got one somewhere not important.

Bit of a pain to travel to Ohio just for a tattoo.

A famous scientist was on his way to a lecture in yet another university when his driver offered an idea.

"Hey, boss, I've heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off." "Sounds great," the scientist said. When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the driver's hat and settled into the back row. The driver walked on the stage delivered the speech. Afterw...

I read “Plumbing for Dummies” twice, but I have no idea what I’m doing.

I think it’ll take a while before this sink’s in.

The doctors amputated my leg at the knee, but I have no idea why.

Frankly, I'm stumped.

I have an idea

I vote we get rid of democracy

Man, you have no idea how much I hate trigonometry.

I mean, I could go on a tangent about my hatred for it.

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

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Whose idea was it to show a bunch of naked butts in the new Ghostbusters movie?

Rick Moranis

Socialism looks like a pretty good idea on paper.

Unless that paper's in a history book.

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

Unconvinced, I replied, "Surely, you must be Joe."

I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.

So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.

I've got a great idea for a NBA themed Fast Food restaurant. I call it...

Shake-Shaq

A Co-worker approached me and asked if I wanted to make some money on the side with him. I thought it was a good idea, until he took me back to see his printing press.

I mean, seriously - this thing was a mess and his ink was all wrong.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts running
towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "Hmmmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher the...

What do you get when Redditors come up with a brilliant idea?

A punning clan with a cunning plan!

It’s a good idea to give high IQ people handjobs.

Some would say it’s a stroke of genius.

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Good Idea!

A man visits the doctor with a perplexing problem.
"Doc, everything I eat comes out exactly the same in the toilet."

The doctor, somewhat confused, asks, "Be more specific."

"If I eat a cheeseburger, later there's a cheeseburger in the toilet after I go."

The doctor says, "...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock?

It’s too time consuming

I had to give up on my idea to create the world’s smallest flamethrower.

It was burning a hole in my pocket.

Some people think it’s a good idea to keep the Native people in these rural ghettos...

...but I have my reservations.

I don't get the idea behind Fap-socks.

When I have a Fap, I do it barefoot.

So I discovered that the creatures from avatar have come up with a new business idea.

They’ll let you rent a tribesman as a father figure over the Christmas period.

I heard they’re being called For lease na’vi Dads

If I had a dime for every time I had no idea what was going on…

I’d be like “Yo, what’s with all these dimes?”

Startup idea: A robotic arm that automatically swaps out your NES cartridges for you.

Sure, you say it's a ludicrous idea, that it wouldn't have worked even if it was 30 years ago, the market doesn't exist, it's doomed to fail, etc.



But I'm telling you, it's gonna be a game changer.

Why is it a bad idea picking a fight with a Dinosaur?

Because you will most likely end up getting jurasskicked.

Brilliant idea for a start-up

Imma build a new operating system which, when the disk gets full, randomly deletes half your files.

Gonna call it thanOS.

Why is it a good idea to ask a cow to help you move?

Because beef stroganoff

Did you hear about the chickens idea to cross the road?

Yeah it wasn't worried, said the idea was nothing to balk at

I turned to my wife beaming with pride and said, “Wow! I had no idea our son would go so far.”

She said, “Yeah. The catapult is amazing. Go get our daughter.”

I just got an idea to get "i trust no one" tattoo on my arm

But I don't think any tattoo artist would do it properly

The vet seemed to have no idea why my two pet birds were stuck together.

He said it was toucan fusing.

In an American history discussion group, a professor is trying to explain how society’s idea of beauty changes with time.

“For example,” he says, “the winner of the Miss America pageant in 1921 stood five foot one, weighed only 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?”



The class was silent until one woman comments, “She’d lose for sure.”...

In what form of writing is killing the main character a good idea?

An Autobiography.

After years of being bald, the idea of hair doesn't sound too bad.

It's starting to grow on me.

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I asked my priest if it would be a good idea to stop masturbating

But he wouldn't.

Here is an app idea: Tinder but with...

people that want to be in a relationship

If you ever feel like your ideas aren't worthwhile...

remember that somebody at BMW once proposed that blinkers should be installed in their vehicles.

My coworker was noodling on an idea

So I offered her a penne for her thoughts

My idea of starting a professional Hide and Seek tournament was a total disaster.

Good players are hard to find.

I used to think those bikes with foot control brakes were a cool idea

But to be honest, I’ve back pedalled since then

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