After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

I've got a great idea for a NBA themed Fast Food restaurant. I call it...

Shake-Shaq

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!

"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"

My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"

I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"

​

(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each...

I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.

So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.

I just got an idea to get "i trust no one" tattoo on my arm

But I don't think any tattoo artist would do it properly

After years of being bald, the idea of hair doesn't sound too bad.

It's starting to grow on me.

Startup idea: A robotic arm that automatically swaps out your NES cartridges for you.

Sure, you say it's a ludicrous idea, that it wouldn't have worked even if it was 30 years ago, the market doesn't exist, it's doomed to fail, etc.

​

But I'm telling you, it's gonna be a game changer.

The vet seemed to have no idea why my two pet birds were stuck together.

He said it was toucan fusing.

In an American history discussion group, a professor is trying to explain how society’s idea of beauty changes with time.

“For example,” he says, “the winner of the Miss America pageant in 1921 stood five foot one, weighed only 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?”

​

The class was silent until one woman comments, “She’d lose ...

My parents were very against the idea of me getting a tattoo. Eventually they conceded and said that I just had to make sure I got one somewhere not important.

Bit of a pain to travel to Ohio just for a tattoo.

Folding phones are a great idea!

But on the flip side...

Why is it a bad idea picking a fight with a Dinosaur?

Because you will most likely end up getting jurasskicked.

Did you hear about the chickens idea to cross the road?

Yeah it wasn't worried, said the idea was nothing to balk at

Brilliant idea for a start-up

Imma build a new operating system which, when the disk gets full, randomly deletes half your files.

Gonna call it thanOS.

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

You know what, I'm starting to think the wall might be a good idea.

I mean, China built one and I don't see any Mexicans over there.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Movie idea

There should be a hostage movie where instead of holding up a bank or skyscraper, the bad guy is a coworker who keeps asking questions at the end of a meeting.

I think it's a great idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit...

but that's just my 2 scents!

Why is it a good idea to ask a cow to help you move?

Because beef stroganoff

Pennywise the clown talked to me about the idea of multiplying a prism's length width and height.

It spoke volumes to me.

If you ever feel like your ideas aren't worthwhile...

remember that somebody at BMW once proposed that blinkers should be installed in their vehicles.

Mystery movie idea

Acclaimed actor goes missing. Police zero in on the suspects being his director, wife and brother. Plot twist: Actor is now living a different life disguised as a quizmaster at a European game show. No one expects thespian is in quiz session.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked my priest if it would be a good idea to stop masturbating

But he wouldn't.

So I discovered that the creatures from avatar have come up with a new business idea.

They’ll let you rent a tribesman as a father figure over the Christmas period.

I heard they’re being called For lease na’vi Dads

My coworker was noodling on an idea

So I offered her a penne for her thoughts

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts running
towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "Hmmmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher the...

In what form of writing is killing the main character a good idea?

An Autobiography.

I love how our names for recreational drug users give an idea of their drug of choice.

If they are a frequent user of marijuana, they're a stoner.

Some like to include psychedelics, and we call them hippies.

Our cocaine lovers are cokeheads.

People obsessed with meth are tweakers.

Finally some people like Bill Cosby prefer qualudes or rohypnol, and we call...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I knew she was going to be mad when she saw my upload to redtube, but I had no idea it would be this bad. It's true what they say...

Hell hath no fury like a women porned.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today I found out that it is a bad idea to have sex right after a concussion.

It is fucking confusing.

It's never a good idea to joke about school shootings

They're a loaded topic

My idea of starting a professional Hide and Seek tournament was a total disaster.

Good players are hard to find.

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

A young boy named Jim with suspected mental illness was due to visit a psychotherapist but he seemed very uncomfortable with the whole idea. Finally his mother convinced him to go. Upon arrival the young boy was greeted “Hello Jim, do you know who I am?”...

Jim replied.. “Of course I do, your Psycho The Rapist!”

Here is an app idea: Tinder but with...

people that want to be in a relationship

I like the idea of a individual personal hell

It finally means someone will do something special just for me :)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the joke about ideas for sex positions?

Never mind, it’s too suggestive.

I turned to my wife beaming with pride and said, “Wow! I had no idea our son would go so far.”

She said, “Yeah. The catapult is amazing. Go get our daughter.”

I came up with an idea about how to stop crying while chopping onions

Unfortunately, I've run out of fingers to try it with.

Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea

Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.

It's not a good idea to use Roman numerals when talking to family members

I got grounded for a month for saying "wow, you're 40 now?" to my aunt.

If I had a dime for every time I had no idea what was going on…

I’d be like “Yo, what’s with all these dimes?”

Did you hear about the charismatic politician who spews a lot of hot air when he talks about his ideas?

You could say that he expresses himself with convection.

I thought of an idea for a new reality TV show...

It's about a group of Middle Easter Islamic terrorists that are entering their 40s. They stop buying an excessive amount of guns and explosives and instead start purchasing luxery cars and motorcycles. I call the show Midlife ISIS.

help: iphone 6s freezes but only when i play song "down with the sickness" any ideas??

edit: thx guys, turns out i was in "Do Not Disturbed" mode

Why is it a bad idea to put all your troubles in Jesus' hands?

Cuz he has holes in both of 'em.

My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.

But by then, it was too late.

My account said I'm crazy for investing all my money in my idea of building a business that offers a boxing gym, a dentist, and a manicurist all under one roof.

But I told him I'm going to fight tooth and nail for it. Now if I could just think of a clever name for it, I'd be all set.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The idea that all black men have large penises is false.

It’s a complete phallusy.

I have an idea for a brand of eye-drops.

I’ll call it moist-your-eyes.

Came up with an idea for a business sabotaging condoms.

Feel free to poke holes in it.

Two Irishmen have a bright idea...

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy,

"I'm gonna get the day off. I'm gonna pretend I've gone mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'm a lightbulb, I'm a lightbulb!"

Murphy watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts: "Pad...

The idea that women only belong in the kitchen is dated and offensive.

The rest of the house needs cleaned too

Want to get an idea how important you are during a government shutdown?

IRS REFUND department: Non-essential

IRS Audit department.: Essential

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today I read an idea on how to stop school shootings.

It says: *"Place three armed veterans in every school."*

I think it is great! School shooters will see a person with three arms and freak the fuck out

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was in the confessional booth today, and I asked the priest if he thought it would be a good idea to stop masturbating.

He said "Sure, if it bothers you, I’ll stop."

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just realized I have no idea what moth balls smell like. Have you ever smelled a moth ball before?

“Yeah, they’re awful!”

How’d you manage to get those tiny legs apart?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

No matter what sexual role play idea my wife decides on, I always have to play the same character.

The husband who is out of town.

What do you call a new dress-maker who is uncomfortable with the idea of customers testing her merchandise?

A seamstress who seems stressed when you stress the seams.

To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero...

Thanks for nothing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have a lot of ideas about people who suffer from premature ejaculation.

They just come so easily.

I came up with this new idea where you split the square root into pieces.

It’s radical!

Funny joke idea.

I don't know why some people don't like beards, they kinda grow on you after awhile.

Aldi recently copied Lidl's idea to reduce their prices on courgettes, cucumbers, carrots, celery, celeriac, cabbage and cauliflower, and now they're being fined for breaking piracy laws.

It's because they sale'd the seven Cs.

For my birthday I wanted something that could go 0-200 in 5 seconds or less. My wife said she had the perfect gift idea

A bathroom scale wasn’t what I had in mind

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

​

So the man a...

A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

I have a friend whose an ophthalmologist, and he thinks I’m not so enthusiastic about the idea of him going into business for himself...

In my words. I said “Open up a store for all eye care.”

I have absolutely no idea how I got lice.

It’s a real head scratcher.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Anniversary idea

For my wife and I's first wedding anniversary, we made a bet that the first one to wake up would have to surprise the other one with oral sex. Well, when the day came I was the first to wake up, so I rolled over, pulled the bed covers back, and slooooowwwwllllyyyyy shoved my dick in her mouth.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

MY WIFE'S IDEA OF ORAL SEX

After all these years of marriage, me and the wife only have oral sex. Whenever we pass each other in the hall, we say "Fuck you"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At first, me and my friends shook our fists at the idea of circle-jerking,

but eventually, we came around.

Whenever someone it's the crazy idea to reinterpret the bible I'm like wow...

...loose canon.

Why is it a bad idea to let dogs onboard the ISS?

Because they would keep barking at the vacuum in space

" Doctor, doctor I keep getting this crazy idea that I'm a pair of curtains!."

"For God's sake man, just go home and pull yourself together"

My friend said I have no idea what the word "irony" means

Which is incredibly ironic, as we were both standing at a bus stop.

It's never a good idea to steal a periodic table

Coppers always Cu

If the answer to “what do you call a blind reindeer?” is ‘no idea’, what do you call a blind reindeer that can’t walk?

Still no idea.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be wi...