UPJOKE
conceptmindnotionthoughtopinionthemeguessintrospectionperceptionmotifabstractioncogitationfigmentidealizationpreoccupation

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

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Anniversary idea

For my wife and I's first wedding anniversary, we made a bet that the first one to wake up would have to surprise the other one with oral sex. Well, when the day came I was the first to wake up, so I rolled over, pulled the bed covers back, and slooooowwwwllllyyyyy shoved my dick in her mouth.

To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero...

Thanks for nothing.

I had an idea for a movie plot.

A retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken.
I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

My friend told me I have no idea what irony is

Which is ironic, because we were both waiting for the bus.

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I asked my priest if it might be a good idea to stop masturbating

##

## But he wouldn’t.

The only idea that flat-earthers fear

is sphere itself.

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Dick tattoo ideas

Get a thermometer made on your dick
Something funny to say to a girl with whom you're having consensual sex.
Me- Girl you look sick, would you like me to take your temperature?

So I discovered that the creatures from avatar have come up with a new business idea.

They’ll let you rent a tribesman as a father figure over the Christmas period.

I heard they’re being called For lease na’vi Dads

Everyone told me smoking kills, I had no idea how fast.

My dad went to get his first pack of cigarettes ever and I never saw him again.

Two Irishmen have a bright idea

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”

Murphy watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts: “Paddy...

I find the idea of golf..

Off putting

A new product idea

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Have you decided what you want for Christmas?" the bartender asks. "Yeah, I think I really would like one of those mind-controlled air fresheners," the guy replies. "It just makes sense when you think about it."

I wanted to change my name to “Frieza” but had no idea how much paperwork would be involved.

This isn’t even my final form.

Fun idea:

Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.

It’s okay if you have no idea what “prefix” means.

It’s not the end of the word.

Hey Doctor, any idea why I seem to be so attracted to fat girls?

That'd be gravity, my boy.

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Here's a great idea for a boyband. Go to an old age home, assemble a group of old men and give one of them Viagra. The bands name you ask?

One erection

I have no idea what’s going on with Brexit....

...which is something I have in common with Britain’s government.

If I had a dime for every time I had no idea what was going on…

I’d be like “Yo, what’s with all these dimes?”

I brought my car to a mechanic and asked him, “Do you have any idea why my car is humming?”

He replied, “Probably because it doesn’t know all the lyrics.”

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No matter what sexual role play idea my wife decides on, I always have to play the same character.

The husband who is out of town.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

This comment has been overwritten and deleted forevermore by the user in response to the API changes June 2023.

My friend told me about his idea for odorless candles

I told him they wouldn't make any scents

Why are discount circumcisions a bad idea?

It’s usually a total rip-off

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What is a teenager's idea of safe sex?

Locking the car door

They had no idea at the job that I was a total drunk

Until I showed up sober one day

Why is it a bad idea to make an enemy of your father?

Because it is such a ~~faux pas~~ foe pa!

I had no freaking idea!

I visited a local news website this morning and saw a picture of a good friend of mine on the front page with a title above saying, "A 34-year-old mechanic arrested for dealing drugs". I really thought I knew the guy, but I guess I was wrong. I mean, I've been a loyal customer of his for almost 7 ye...

It’s never a good idea to attempt any type of cardiac surgery before going to medical school.

That would be putting the heart before the course.

On second thought, maybe Communist America wouldn’t be such a bad idea...

We could all stand to lose a few pounds.

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

I've never been to a gynecologist's office, but I have some ideas about what happens there ...

It's all just speculation of course.

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

I had an idea for a fighting game..

But turns out, it was tekken

New business idea

We sell cammo tshirts.
We call it "Casual tees of war"!

Why is vaccinating before proper safety testing can occur such a bad idea?

Nobody likes Premature Inoculations.

As a fisherman who has no idea what he's doing,I dont need to worry about the corona virus

I never catch anything.

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Tonks: Remus, I swear, I have no idea how those dog hairs got there...

Remus: Are you fucking Sirius?!

Why is it a good idea to ask a cow to help you move?

Because beef stroganoff

I had an idea for a JFK tv show but no network would pick it up

They kept saying I was trying to assassinate his character

Some people think it’s a good idea to keep the Native people in these rural ghettos...

...but I have my reservations.

If the answer to “what do you call a blind reindeer?” is ‘no idea’, what do you call a blind reindeer that can’t walk?

Still no idea.

I got a parking ticket for being parked illegally the other day and I’ve no idea why...

The sign clearly said, “Fine for parking."

I think it’s a good idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.

But that’s just my two scents.

Why is declaring yourself the monarch of the moon a bad idea?

You'd have no air apparent.

(Stolen idea but funny) My kid embarrassed me by throwing a huge fit and rolling around on the floor when I took him shopping.

That's the last time I take an epileptic kid to the strobe light store

I have a million dollar idea

I’ll tell you if you give me a million dollars

Paul: "So lads, any idea how we're gonna end 'Hey Jude'"?

John: Nah.

George: Nah.

Ringo: Nah.

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[NSFW] Why is it a good idea to learn how to masturbate?

It comes in handy.

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."

I told the mods about my idea to start a Harambe mega-thread.

But they shot it down.

“Dr. Watson, there has been a lot of break-ins lately. Any ideas what to do?”

Dr. Watson: Sure. Lock homes.

Running with scissors is a bad idea.

Then again, so is scissoring with the runs.

Had an idea for a Scrabble like game where you can only use racial slurs as words.

The object is to see who can out trump who.

So I went on Dragons Den with my grandad's shotgun and Peter Jones said, "so what's the business idea?"

I said, "It's a very simple concept, Peter. Put the money in the bag."

Hey Dad, I have this idea for a TV show

"Hey Dad, I have this idea for a TV show. It's like those ghost hunter shows, but instead of idiots walking around in the dark saying, "Is there a spirit in here?", it will be skeptics debunking it, and finding out what's really going on."

"They had a show like that when I was a kid."
...

Ideas for Physical Puns/Jokes?

I enjoy doing physical puns/jokes to brighten up work, but I'm running out of ideas. Any ideas people have would be greatly appreciated!

I work in a school, so child-friendly jokes would be best.

Examples of ones I've done so far:

- putting a leek in the cupboard and panicking a...

In 1802, the condom was invented in New Zealand...

...by using sheep's lower intestine.

Some years later, Australians refined the idea by removing the intestine from the sheep first.

I recently got accused of committing tax fraud but I have no idea why

I don’t even pay taxes!

People don't like the idea of me being given money even though I'm unemployed.

I think it's welfare.

People say that using your pet name as password is very bad idea...

but my bcQr#1f!e is just so adorable!

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A man in his 50's visits the doctor.

"I just can't take it anymore, doc," he says, wincing. "I stand at the urinal for 20 minutes and nothing happens. Is there something I can take?"

"I'll tell you what you can take," the doctor snarls. "A cold dose of reality! Do you have *any* idea what's happening out there?! Global warming i...

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I was in the confessional booth today and I asked the priest if he thought it might be a good idea to stop masturbating.

He said “Sure, if it bothers you, I’ll stop.”

I've got a great idea for tax evasion

Apparently if you don't pay your taxes the government will give you free housing free food and a roommate

I have an idea of a game show with Bill Cosby as the host.

It's called "You Snooze, You Lose."

Haunted House Idea:

A room full of women saying "I'm fine."

Am I adopted?

Fred came home from University in tears.

"Mum, am I adopted?"

"No of course not", replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side o...

They always say that daylight savings is such a great idea

I give it six months

My friend wouldn't stop ranting about his idea for a countertop factory...

Honestly, I thought it was all counter-productive.

So my buddy thought it'd be a good idea to get an inspirational tattoo on his forehead...

Boy, was his face read.

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea.

Until he blamed me for the murder he committed.

I have no idea why my credit card keeps getting declined

Every time I check my account online, it says I have an outstanding balance.

Okay, we need a title for our fantasy novel involving dragons. Any ideas?

…Dragon?

It can’t just be Dragon.

Umm… Cragon?

No, that’s awful. Come on, think harder.

Umm…. Eragon?

….Bingo.

What do you call it when a zombie steals an idea

Plaguegiarism

Jesus Christ dafuq is wrong with me

*In the ER* "We're losing him, anyone have any ideas?"

"How about 50 cc's of a cool refreshing beverage?"

"Dammit Dr. Pepper not now!"

A Halloween costume idea

A nurse walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Are you coming to our big Halloween party?" the bartender asks. "Yes, I've already planned my costume. I'm going to come as a horrible monster made entirely out of blood," the nurse says. "I'm going to be a hemogoblin."

Where did the idea of the screwdriver originate from?

Phillip's Head.

When does an idea kill a vampire?

When it dawns on them.

Why is it a bad idea to dip your shoes in LSD?

You might trip

I just had a novel idea...

I can't wait for the movie adaptation to find out what it was.

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A Great Birthday Idea

A guy doesn't know what to get his wife for her birthday, so he makes up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. He thinks she will be thrilled.

He gives it to her and asks if she likes it.

"Oh yes!" She says as she jumps up, thanks him, kisse...

Why am I against Donald Trump's wall idea?

It will make fleeing to Mexico more difficult when he ruins our country.

My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!

"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"

My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"

I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"



(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with g...

Good idea

A man goes to the doctor and says "Hey doc, I've broken my arm in 2 places."

Doc says "Sounds like you need to stop going to those places."

no Idea why they arrested me...

I just read the sign and complied...

it said:

NO campaign materials or **clothing** allowed in polling place.

I’m about to go to a funeral for the first time, and I still have no idea what to expect.

Remains to be seen.

So I pitched a movie idea to Alec Baldwin...

It didn't go well, he shot it down!

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I just had an idea for lawyer porn...

I call it "getting off on technicalities."

My latest moneymaking idea was a rubber beach shoe for one-legged people.

It was a flop.

This weird woman was pounding my door at 4am. I had no idea who she was.

So I had to let her out.

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I had no idea how serious stealing sheep in new zealand was.

Until i got charged for sex trafficing.

I thought going to gym would be a good idea for a first date.

But when she didn’t show up, I could tell we weren’t going to work out.

How do you measure an idea?

In ideograms.

It's never EVER a good idea to fart during a 69.

That's how they found me underneath their bed.

My wife was very much open to the idea of naming our child after a type of flower.

She wasn’t so happy when I suggested the type should be “self-raising”.

I’ve never understood the idea of invisible planes.

I just can’t see them taking off.

My idea of a balanced diet...

Is a beer in each hand.

The French monarchy was a bad idea

But it was brilliantly executed

Why is it generally a bad idea to marry chess pieces?

Well many would think of it as a Rook-ie mistake

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Why is whacking a Donald Trump piñata a really *bad* idea?

Because it's full of shit

A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.

The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. Tha...

I really have no idea what carbon dating is...

But, I'll try anything at this point.

It's not a good idea to lie

Especially if you're in the middle of the road.

FREE Halloween costume idea:

Set yourself on fire and go as the planet.

I Have No Idea How I Got Lice.

They just appeared out of thin hair.

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It's a good idea to know a couple wankers in your life.

They often come in handy.

When I found out it's a bad idea to do your own electrical wiring,

I was shocked

Bad Idea #1

Waterproof Towels

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Police officers stops car towing, no idea for better title

first time poster, not sure if its re-post sorry if it is, translated as im not from english speaking countrie

Driver of old Yugo (old shitty car) had stopped on highway because of engine problem and started to stop cars for towing to nearest exit, there happened to Ferrari driver to stop and...

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Good Idea!

A man visits the doctor with a perplexing problem.
"Doc, everything I eat comes out exactly the same in the toilet."

The doctor, somewhat confused, asks, "Be more specific."

"If I eat a cheeseburger, later there's a cheeseburger in the toilet after I go."

The doctor says, "...

Offensive crayon ideas!

Presidential Orange

Miscarriage Maroon

Privilege White

Travel Ban Brown

Lives Matter Black

"I should have known better than to talk to him like that, these bruises are my fault" Blue

I used to be a Shepherd, but I have no idea how many sheep I had.

Kept falling asleep trying to count them.

In the early 90's, a lonely stray dog wanted a friend and got an idea when reading an old paper...

So the dog walked into the local paper to place an advert in the social column. "I'm lonely" advised the dog "please place an ad that reads: *Woof woof woof. Woof woof. Woof woof woof woof woof woof. Woof. Woof*."

The sales consultant writes it all down before offering "I'll let you in on a s...

My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.

But by then, it was too late.

Boating sounds like a terrible idea on paper

But it's a thousand times better on water.

What is your idea of the perfect date?

Mine is DD.MM.YYYY, the US format is so confusing....

What an Idea..!!!

My laboratory assistant has invented a device that allows you to steal other people's ideas and then permanently delete them from the subject's memory.

Why didn't I think of that?

Why’s it a bad idea to eat mushrooms for dinner?

Because you won’t have mushroom left for dessert.

Everyone says communism is a bad idea .

But I'm weirdly attracted to it.

It must be because of all the red flags.

A lost dog wanders through the jungle. In the distance a lion sees him and whispers: "I'm going to eat him, I have never seen anything like that before."

The lion then began to approach the dog in a threatening manner. When the dog realized this, he panicked, but as he tried to run away, he saw a bone nearby, and he got the idea to speak out loud. "Lion meat is delicious!"

The lion suddenly stopped and said: "Wow, this guy is stronger than he...

Hilarious idea for U-Haul

Start slapping "I" stickers on the vehicles every time it leaves Illinois for a one-way move.

Could also use "C" stickers for California, "N"stickers for New York, and "J" stickers for New Jersey.

I met someone with halitosis last night. He had some strange ideas but, oddly enough,

everything he said made scents

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