I think it’s a good idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.

But that’s just my two scents.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long] A guy walks into a bar and demands 3 shots of tequila. Bartender obliges and says, "rough day?". "You have no idea!", the guy replies as he slams down the shots...

He begins telling him about his horrible day when a jar full of money at the end of the bar catches his eye. "What's that jar of money for over there? It's full to the brim of $10's and $20's!"

Bartender tells him it's a challenge he offers to his patrons, $10 to play, and you have to complet...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Police officers stops car towing, no idea for better title

first time poster, not sure if its re-post sorry if it is, translated as im not from english speaking countrie

Driver of old Yugo (old shitty car) had stopped on highway because of engine problem and started to stop cars for towing to nearest exit, there happened to Ferrari driver to stop and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock?

It’s too time consuming

I had to give up on my idea to create the world’s smallest flamethrower.

It was burning a hole in my pocket.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Good Idea!

A man visits the doctor with a perplexing problem.
"Doc, everything I eat comes out exactly the same in the toilet."

The doctor, somewhat confused, asks, "Be more specific."

"If I eat a cheeseburger, later there's a cheeseburger in the toilet after I go."

The doctor says, "...

My parents were very against the idea of me getting a tattoo. Eventually they conceded and said that I just had to make sure I got one somewhere not important.

Bit of a pain to travel to Ohio just for a tattoo.

I don't get the idea behind Fap-socks.

When I have a Fap, I do it barefoot.

I've got a great idea for a NBA themed Fast Food restaurant. I call it...

Shake-Shaq

My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!

"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"

My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"

I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"

​

(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each...

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

A music composer told me he cant listen to the radio anymore because popular music was much of the same recycled musical ideas. Said learning too much about a certain topic can ruin the fun of that topic.

And that's why I didn't become a gynecologist

Some people think it’s a good idea to keep the Native people in these rural ghettos...

...but I have my reservations.

Folding phones are a great idea!

But on the flip side...

After years of being bald, the idea of hair doesn't sound too bad.

It's starting to grow on me.

I just got an idea to get "i trust no one" tattoo on my arm

But I don't think any tattoo artist would do it properly

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

Startup idea: A robotic arm that automatically swaps out your NES cartridges for you.

Sure, you say it's a ludicrous idea, that it wouldn't have worked even if it was 30 years ago, the market doesn't exist, it's doomed to fail, etc.

​

But I'm telling you, it's gonna be a game changer.

The vet seemed to have no idea why my two pet birds were stuck together.

He said it was toucan fusing.

I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.

So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.

In an American history discussion group, a professor is trying to explain how society’s idea of beauty changes with time.

“For example,” he says, “the winner of the Miss America pageant in 1921 stood five foot one, weighed only 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?”

​

The class was silent until one woman comments, “She’d lose ...

Why is it a good idea to ask a cow to help you move?

Because beef stroganoff

Brilliant idea for a start-up

Imma build a new operating system which, when the disk gets full, randomly deletes half your files.

Gonna call it thanOS.

You know what, I'm starting to think the wall might be a good idea.

I mean, China built one and I don't see any Mexicans over there.

Did you hear about the chickens idea to cross the road?

Yeah it wasn't worried, said the idea was nothing to balk at

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Movie idea

There should be a hostage movie where instead of holding up a bank or skyscraper, the bad guy is a coworker who keeps asking questions at the end of a meeting.

Pennywise the clown talked to me about the idea of multiplying a prism's length width and height.

It spoke volumes to me.

Why is it a bad idea picking a fight with a Dinosaur?

Because you will most likely end up getting jurasskicked.

In what form of writing is killing the main character a good idea?

An Autobiography.

If you ever feel like your ideas aren't worthwhile...

remember that somebody at BMW once proposed that blinkers should be installed in their vehicles.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts running
towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "Hmmmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked my priest if it would be a good idea to stop masturbating

But he wouldn't.

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

So I discovered that the creatures from avatar have come up with a new business idea.

They’ll let you rent a tribesman as a father figure over the Christmas period.

I heard they’re being called For lease na’vi Dads

Mystery movie idea

Acclaimed actor goes missing. Police zero in on the suspects being his director, wife and brother. Plot twist: Actor is now living a different life disguised as a quizmaster at a European game show. No one expects thespian is in quiz session.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The idea that it's ok to have sex with minors

is complete nonce sense.

I used to think those bikes with foot control brakes were a cool idea

But to be honest, I’ve back pedalled since then

My coworker was noodling on an idea

So I offered her a penne for her thoughts

Here is an app idea: Tinder but with...

people that want to be in a relationship

I love how our names for recreational drug users give an idea of their drug of choice.

If they are a frequent user of marijuana, they're a stoner.

Some like to include psychedelics, and we call them hippies.

Our cocaine lovers are cokeheads.

People obsessed with meth are tweakers.

Finally some people like Bill Cosby prefer qualudes or rohypnol, and we call...

I turned to my wife beaming with pride and said, “Wow! I had no idea our son would go so far.”

She said, “Yeah. The catapult is amazing. Go get our daughter.”

My idea of starting a professional Hide and Seek tournament was a total disaster.

Good players are hard to find.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today I found out that it is a bad idea to have sex right after a concussion.

It is fucking confusing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I knew she was going to be mad when she saw my upload to redtube, but I had no idea it would be this bad. It's true what they say...

Hell hath no fury like a women porned.

I like the idea of a individual personal hell

It finally means someone will do something special just for me :)

It's never a good idea to joke about school shootings

They're a loaded topic

If I had a dime for every time I had no idea what was going on…

I’d be like “Yo, what’s with all these dimes?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the joke about ideas for sex positions?

Never mind, it’s too suggestive.

I came up with an idea about how to stop crying while chopping onions

Unfortunately, I've run out of fingers to try it with.

Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea

Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.

It's not a good idea to use Roman numerals when talking to family members

I got grounded for a month for saying "wow, you're 40 now?" to my aunt.

Did you hear about the charismatic politician who spews a lot of hot air when he talks about his ideas?

You could say that he expresses himself with convection.

Two Irishmen have a bright idea...

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy,

"I'm gonna get the day off. I'm gonna pretend I've gone mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'm a lightbulb, I'm a lightbulb!"

Murphy watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts: "Pad...

A young boy named Jim with suspected mental illness was due to visit a psychotherapist but he seemed very uncomfortable with the whole idea. Finally his mother convinced him to go. Upon arrival the young boy was greeted “Hello Jim, do you know who I am?”...

Jim replied.. “Of course I do, your Psycho The Rapist!”

I thought of an idea for a new reality TV show...

It's about a group of Middle Easter Islamic terrorists that are entering their 40s. They stop buying an excessive amount of guns and explosives and instead start purchasing luxery cars and motorcycles. I call the show Midlife ISIS.

My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.

But by then, it was too late.

Why is it a bad idea to put all your troubles in Jesus' hands?

Cuz he has holes in both of 'em.

The idea that women only belong in the kitchen is dated and offensive.

The rest of the house needs cleaned too

Need some meme ideas for school project, regarding the 16th century.

Canterbury tales, Shakespeare,Beowulf using these.

Here is a Joke that I have no Idea where the Origin is from.

Three guys walk into a bar. Customer #1 had asked where the bathroom is. The Bartender gives directions, And tells him straight then to the right. Customer #2 had asked where the bathroom is. The Bartender gives directions again, And tells him straight then to the right like the last dude. Then, Cus...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The idea that all black men have large penises is false.

It’s a complete phallusy.

help: iphone 6s freezes but only when i play song "down with the sickness" any ideas??

edit: thx guys, turns out i was in "Do Not Disturbed" mode

My account said I'm crazy for investing all my money in my idea of building a business that offers a boxing gym, a dentist, and a manicurist all under one roof.

But I told him I'm going to fight tooth and nail for it. Now if I could just think of a clever name for it, I'd be all set.

I have an idea for a brand of eye-drops.

I’ll call it moist-your-eyes.

Came up with an idea for a business sabotaging condoms.

Feel free to poke holes in it.

What do you call a new dress-maker who is uncomfortable with the idea of customers testing her merchandise?

A seamstress who seems stressed when you stress the seams.

Want to get an idea how important you are during a government shutdown?

IRS REFUND department: Non-essential

IRS Audit department.: Essential

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Today I read an idea on how to stop school shootings.

It says: *"Place three armed veterans in every school."*

I think it is great! School shooters will see a person with three arms and freak the fuck out

To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero...

Thanks for nothing.

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was in the confessional booth today, and I asked the priest if he thought it would be a good idea to stop masturbating.

He said "Sure, if it bothers you, I’ll stop."

Funny joke idea.

I don't know why some people don't like beards, they kinda grow on you after awhile.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

No matter what sexual role play idea my wife decides on, I always have to play the same character.

The husband who is out of town.

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.

"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the ...

I came up with this new idea where you split the square root into pieces.

It’s radical!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Anniversary idea

For my wife and I's first wedding anniversary, we made a bet that the first one to wake up would have to surprise the other one with oral sex. Well, when the day came I was the first to wake up, so I rolled over, pulled the bed covers back, and slooooowwwwllllyyyyy shoved my dick in her mouth.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have a lot of ideas about people who suffer from premature ejaculation.

They just come so easily.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just realized I have no idea what moth balls smell like. Have you ever smelled a moth ball before?

“Yeah, they’re awful!”

How’d you manage to get those tiny legs apart?

For my birthday I wanted something that could go 0-200 in 5 seconds or less. My wife said she had the perfect gift idea

A bathroom scale wasn’t what I had in mind

Aldi recently copied Lidl's idea to reduce their prices on courgettes, cucumbers, carrots, celery, celeriac, cabbage and cauliflower, and now they're being fined for breaking piracy laws.

It's because they sale'd the seven Cs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy complains to his wife “my asshole is burning really badly, I’ve no idea what it is.” “Ring Sting” his wife says.

Guy replies, “How the fuck will he know?”

Why is it a bad idea to let dogs onboard the ISS?

Because they would keep barking at the vacuum in space

I have absolutely no idea how I got lice.

It’s a real head scratcher.