Two Irishmen have a bright idea

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”

Murphy watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts: “Paddy...

“Officer, how did the hackers manage to get away?”

“I have no idea. They just ransomware.”

I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.

It will be for people who love meat tender.

I think the death penalty is a good idea...

If executed properly.

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up. “I have an idea!” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table...

“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffe...

Trump ran on wanting to build a wall. And I think that’s his one good idea, because walls work. It’s irrefutable.

I was in China last year. I didn’t see one Mexican.



\- Jimmy Carr

50 years later most people have no idea who Neil Armstrong is

Or what kind of saxophone music he played

A wife finds her husband sipping some rum on the patio, he says, "I love you so much, I have no idea what I would do without you". The wife asks, "Is that you talking, or the rum?"

He replied, "That's me, talking to the rum."

I have this new idea for an airplane...

...but I don't think it's gonna fly.

The take a penny, leave a penny trays in businesses are a great idea that obviously makes things easier for customers and merchants alike by saving time and effort for all.

It's common cents.

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I knew a lady whose idea of community service was giving handjobs to blue collar workers.

She was a jack off all trades.

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A guy gets lost in the desert, he has food, water and his camel but no idea where he is.

As the days go by he gets hornier and hornier - he wants to fuck badly. So he tries to mount the camel but every time he is almost in, the camel pulls away. Day after day he tries, with the same result.



One day he comes across an airplane that's just crashed, the only survivor is a b...

I think it’s a good idea to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.

But that’s just my two scents.

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At first, Caesar thought it was a bad idea to masturbate while counting his people.

But before long, he came to his census.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

What is your idea of a perfect date?

DD/MM/YYYY

other formats are so confusing really

I believe in the idea of a Free Will.

I just really don't think he should be behind bars. Free Will!

I didn't think Neuralink was a good idea...

but Elon changed my mind!

I just found out one of my friends is addicted to hard drugs. It’s really affecting me because I had no idea. If only I’d know

... He could have been buying them from me this whole time.

Asked my dream girl out today, and she was entertained by the idea!

She just started laughing at me...

I thought I had a great idea to get 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' out of my head

But then away it went away it went away it went away it went

I thought starting a creative writing group for felons would be a great idea.

Turns out it has its prose and cons.

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[Long] A guy walks into a bar and demands 3 shots of tequila. Bartender obliges and says, "rough day?". "You have no idea!", the guy replies as he slams down the shots...

He begins telling him about his horrible day when a jar full of money at the end of the bar catches his eye. "What's that jar of money for over there? It's full to the brim of $10's and $20's!"

Bartender tells him it's a challenge he offers to his patrons, $10 to play, and you have to complet...

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A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

I read “Plumbing for Dummies” twice, but I have no idea what I’m doing.

I think it’ll take a while before this sink’s in.

A famous scientist was on his way to a lecture in yet another university when his driver offered an idea.

"Hey, boss, I've heard your speech so many times I bet I could deliver it and give you the night off." "Sounds great," the scientist said. When they got to the auditorium, the scientist put on the driver's hat and settled into the back row. The driver walked on the stage delivered the speech. Afterw...

The doctors amputated my leg at the knee, but I have no idea why.

Frankly, I'm stumped.

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Police officers stops car towing, no idea for better title

first time poster, not sure if its re-post sorry if it is, translated as im not from english speaking countrie

Driver of old Yugo (old shitty car) had stopped on highway because of engine problem and started to stop cars for towing to nearest exit, there happened to Ferrari driver to stop and...

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

The Markaveich principle is that the person an idea is named after is not the first to discover it.

This was first thought of by Markaveich in 1842

Man, you have no idea how much I hate trigonometry.

I mean, I could go on a tangent about my hatred for it.

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Whose idea was it to show a bunch of naked butts in the new Ghostbusters movie?

Rick Moranis

My parents were very against the idea of me getting a tattoo. Eventually they conceded and said that I just had to make sure I got one somewhere not important.

Bit of a pain to travel to Ohio just for a tattoo.

A Co-worker approached me and asked if I wanted to make some money on the side with him. I thought it was a good idea, until he took me back to see his printing press.

I mean, seriously - this thing was a mess and his ink was all wrong.

I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.

So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.

Why is it a bad idea to eat a clock?

It’s too time consuming

I have an idea

I vote we get rid of democracy

My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!

"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"

My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"

I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"



(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with g...

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

Unconvinced, I replied, "Surely, you must be Joe."

What do you get when Redditors come up with a brilliant idea?

A punning clan with a cunning plan!

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season.

He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove.

He decided he would set up a Christmas light display like he'd heard about others doing. It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventual...

I've got a great idea for a NBA themed Fast Food restaurant. I call it...

Shake-Shaq

It’s a good idea to give high IQ people handjobs.

Some would say it’s a stroke of genius.

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Good Idea!

A man visits the doctor with a perplexing problem.
"Doc, everything I eat comes out exactly the same in the toilet."

The doctor, somewhat confused, asks, "Be more specific."

"If I eat a cheeseburger, later there's a cheeseburger in the toilet after I go."

The doctor says, "...

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

I had to give up on my idea to create the world’s smallest flamethrower.

It was burning a hole in my pocket.

Socialism looks like a pretty good idea on paper.

Unless that paper's in a history book.

I don't get the idea behind Fap-socks.

When I have a Fap, I do it barefoot.

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".

So the lion starts running
towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "Hmmmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " Woah! This guy seems tougher the...

Startup idea: A robotic arm that automatically swaps out your NES cartridges for you.

Sure, you say it's a ludicrous idea, that it wouldn't have worked even if it was 30 years ago, the market doesn't exist, it's doomed to fail, etc.



But I'm telling you, it's gonna be a game changer.

Why is it a bad idea picking a fight with a Dinosaur?

Because you will most likely end up getting jurasskicked.

After years of being bald, the idea of hair doesn't sound too bad.

It's starting to grow on me.

I just got an idea to get "i trust no one" tattoo on my arm

But I don't think any tattoo artist would do it properly

Some people think it’s a good idea to keep the Native people in these rural ghettos...

...but I have my reservations.

Why is it a good idea to ask a cow to help you move?

Because beef stroganoff

Brilliant idea for a start-up

Imma build a new operating system which, when the disk gets full, randomly deletes half your files.

Gonna call it thanOS.

The vet seemed to have no idea why my two pet birds were stuck together.

He said it was toucan fusing.

In an American history discussion group, a professor is trying to explain how society’s idea of beauty changes with time.

“For example,” he says, “the winner of the Miss America pageant in 1921 stood five foot one, weighed only 108 pounds, and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she’d do in today’s version of the contest?”



The class was silent until one woman comments, “She’d lose for sure.”...

Pennywise the clown talked to me about the idea of multiplying a prism's length width and height.

It spoke volumes to me.

If I had a dime for every time I had no idea what was going on…

I’d be like “Yo, what’s with all these dimes?”

Did you hear about the chickens idea to cross the road?

Yeah it wasn't worried, said the idea was nothing to balk at

In what form of writing is killing the main character a good idea?

An Autobiography.

So I discovered that the creatures from avatar have come up with a new business idea.

They’ll let you rent a tribesman as a father figure over the Christmas period.

I heard they’re being called For lease na’vi Dads

I turned to my wife beaming with pride and said, “Wow! I had no idea our son would go so far.”

She said, “Yeah. The catapult is amazing. Go get our daughter.”

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I asked my priest if it would be a good idea to stop masturbating

But he wouldn't.

If you ever feel like your ideas aren't worthwhile...

remember that somebody at BMW once proposed that blinkers should be installed in their vehicles.

Here is an app idea: Tinder but with...

people that want to be in a relationship

My coworker was noodling on an idea

So I offered her a penne for her thoughts

Mystery movie idea

Acclaimed actor goes missing. Police zero in on the suspects being his director, wife and brother. Plot twist: Actor is now living a different life disguised as a quizmaster at a European game show. No one expects thespian is in quiz session.

My idea of starting a professional Hide and Seek tournament was a total disaster.

Good players are hard to find.

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the town's people punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “...

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A young boy named Jim with suspected mental illness was due to visit a psychotherapist but he seemed very uncomfortable with the whole idea. Finally his mother convinced him to go. Upon arrival the young boy was greeted “Hello Jim, do you know who I am?”...

Jim replied.. “Of course I do, your Psycho The Rapist!”

I think it was probably a bad idea to put the kids’ present in the piñata

The dog might get hit

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I love how our names for recreational drug users give an idea of their drug of choice.

If they are a frequent user of marijuana, they're a stoner.

Some like to include psychedelics, and we call them hippies.

Our cocaine lovers are cokeheads.

People obsessed with meth are tweakers.

Finally some people like Bill Cosby prefer qualudes or rohypnol, and we call...

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Today I found out that it is a bad idea to have sex right after a concussion.

It is fucking confusing.

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I knew she was going to be mad when she saw my upload to redtube, but I had no idea it would be this bad. It's true what they say...

Hell hath no fury like a women porned.

It's never a good idea to joke about school shootings

They're a loaded topic

I like the idea of a individual personal hell

It finally means someone will do something special just for me :)

My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.

But by then, it was too late.

Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea

Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.

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Did you hear about the joke about ideas for sex positions?

Never mind, it’s too suggestive.

I came up with an idea about how to stop crying while chopping onions

Unfortunately, I've run out of fingers to try it with.

Did you hear about the charismatic politician who spews a lot of hot air when he talks about his ideas?

You could say that he expresses himself with convection.

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