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MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes h...

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its mea...

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

Your spine

My wife found out I was cheating when she saw the letters I was hiding

After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.

People think that “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters

But those letters aren’t silent.

They’re just waiting their turn.

I think if we just took this time to discuss the uselessness of the letter z in the English language, the world would be a much better place.

Thank you for coming to my zed talk.

Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the Alphabet was.

It was a complete guess, but I was right.

What starts with 'e' and ends with 'e' and only has one letter in it?

envelope

Grandma Letter

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.



She writes:



Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just com...

Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in Post Office

They get really annoyed

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.

I asked him, “what’s the word on the street?”

Why did Stalin write only in lowercase letter?

Because he hated capitalism.

If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN

They become very angry.

I made friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I don’t know Y

Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

They can’t read

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TIL why Americans removed the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour.

Because Fuck U, that's why.

English is weird. Sometimes the letter 'c' is pronounced like 's', but other times not.

Source: course

My daughter has a habit of checking for letters before coming home.

"How many letters are there in the letterbox today?"

"DAD! I'm sick of you always telling me there are 9 letters!"

What are a pirate's favorite letters.

VPN

What does an Italian barista say when they can't remember the letter between N and P?

Affogato.

What’s a pirates least favourite letter?

Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Sincerely, your service provider.

What do you call an apology letter written again with dots and dashes?

Re-Morse Code

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Why did Hitler like most letters

Because they were not Z

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

You may be thinking Rrrrrrrrrr

But it actually be the C!

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.

A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.



Sincerely,



The Internet Provider

If you think you wrote a great letter, add a footnote at the end which explains Ohm’s Law.

Then it’ll be your P.S. de resistance.

I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said “Final Notice”.

Good that he will not bother me anymore.

There are so many letters added to LGBT nowadays,

it may as well be called LGBTLDR

What name has 4 letters and 2 body parts?

Tony

What kind of birds write letters?

***Pen-guins!***

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My therapist told me to write letters to everyone that had done me wrong, and then set them on fire.

Well I did that, so now what do I do with the letters?

What do you call a keyboard with one letter constantly pressed?

O-pressed

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I'm really good friends with 24 letters of the alphabet.

I don't know why and fuck you

My wife is furious with me after finding the letters I was trying to hide

She said she's had it and never wants to play Scrabble with me ever again.

What's the difference between Trump and a flying pig? The letter 'F'

The letter 'F'







\*stolen from quora

Why do English kids repeat the alphabet only to the letter S?

After S is tea time.

Where does the letter O go to chill?

The ozone

An open letter to algebra teachers.

Dear algebra teachers,

Please stop trying to make us find your x. They're not coming back.

We don't know y either.

Sincerely,

Students.

Out of the 26 letters, only E got presents for Christmas.

The other letters were not-E.

Why is a flower like the letter A

Because a bee goes after it.

What's Soulja Boy's favourite letter in the alphabet

"UUUUU"

What a pirates favourite letter of the alphabet?

"Arrrrr"
"Ah you'd think so, but it's the C"

History's biggest irony is that the Russian alphabet has no lowercase letters

It's all Capitalization.

My teacher randomly capitalizes letters on an assignment when someone misbehaves

It’s their capital punishment

Someone dared me to make a joke with only four letters.

EZPZ

A teacher asks the class to name something they are not good at, beginning with the letter O. One student raises his hand and answers...

Spelling


(Stephen Cookson)

"I need help with a crossword," I told my wife. "Six letters, a group of people with common ancestry."

She said, "Tribal."


I said, "No, that's only four letters."

What is a pirate’s favorite letter?

Well matey... you’d think it would be Arr, but a pirate’s first love will always be the sea.

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Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: *SCREAMS*

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

Which two letters are delicious?

C and Y

What did the stamp sing to the letter?

“I can show you the wooooooorld”

What are water favorite letters of the alphabet?

H to O

You get a letter from the Queen for your 100th birthday, what do you get for your 16th?

A text message from Prince Andrew.

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Me: I’m afraid of random letters.

Therapist: You are?

Me: [confused screaming]

Therapist: Oh, I see.

Me: [screaming intensifies]

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said sh...

An employee who was being let go for poor performance asked his boss to help him out with a letter of recommendation

The boss didn't want to refuse, but he was too honest to lie. So he wrote: "You will be very fortunate to get John to work for you!"

Why did 25 letters of the alphabet get coal for Christmas?

Because they were not E

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Captain in Afghanistan receives a letter from his wife.

The letter contains a photo.

A nude photo of his wife, spreading her legs open. Captioned - honey, when you come back, I'll be waiting for you like this.
The captain immediately becomes happy and excited that his wife loves him so much and is thinking about him. He sleeps satisfied that ni...

What has three letters and starts with gas?

A car.

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An little orphan boy writes a letter to santa on christmas

"Dear santa,
I have no money this Christmas for any toys. please send me $100 so I can buy something" He takes the letter, addresses it to Santa Claus North Pole and drops it in the mailbox. At the post office, while sifting through mail, they ran into the boys letter and they opened it. Touched...

Which word has 6 letters, starts with an N and ends with an R and is related to a Race

NASCAR

Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter "O"...

O B C D...

Boris Johnson is sending out 30 million letters...

I hope he’s not licked the envelopes.

9 months later!!!

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm
and asked the attractive lady who answered the
door if they could spend the nigh...

An old man lived alone. His only son was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son.

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love,...

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's...

What has four letters, sometimes has nine, but never has five?

Woops meant to use a period.

What is a letter that is always cold?

B

Because its located between AC

What starts with the letter P and has a bagillion letters in it?

a POST OFFICE





This joke was told to me by my 6 year old brother and I thought it was just too good.

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. B...

Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it.

Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.

It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonym...

What has four letters, occasionally has twelve letters, always has six letters, but never has five letters.

Now you know.

What’s a pirates favorite letter?

Most thing it’s rrrrrrrrrrr

Some believe it’s actually the c

But it’s actually P, because without it they’d be irate.

I don’t like when people write Chinese words using English letters.

But that’s just my pinyin.

I accidently mixed up my letters and numbers today.

I felt like a P year old

I decided to bake every letter of the alphabet, when my first pastry gained sentience. It was very excited to be able to think and reason.

I guess it's a happy caked A for me!

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

Which letter has its own shoe brand?

A “D” does

I hate spelling errors.

You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

A guy got a job as a postman. On his first day, he was handed a letter. He looked at it...

And thought, “this isn’t for me.”

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.

She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again

Edit:
I’m aware it dosnt’ look right the way I wrote it ,but you get the gist

What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Hint: I didn't ask a question

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Why was the letter "C" afraid of all the other letters in the alphabet?

All the others were Nazis

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Just got a letter from my doctor, apparently I have sex daily

Oh wait, it's dyslexia. Never mind.

Why did Joseph Stalin always write in lower case letters?

He hated capitalism.

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?" Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."

"Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!...

I just realized if you rearrange the letters in Hola, you get Aloha.

It's because I'm Canadian and automatically add an eh.

"Mozambique" has all vowel letters...

But "y" (?)

I heard that a good way to let go of anger is to write letters to people you hate and then to burn them.

It really helps a lot. Now I just need to figure out what to do with all these letters.

What is a pirate's favorite letter?

Your download is starting...
Click here if it doesn't start automatically

I tried to set up autopay for my hospital bill but I must have missed by one letter.

Instead I had my vital organs removed, toxicology tests, and a pathologist report on how I died.

Nice ham you got there

Be a shame if I add the letter s and the letter e

“Wait a minute! You have been cheating on me all this time!”, my wife yelled at me as she found all the letters I had been hiding.

I felt cornered and prepared myself to face her fury, as she got red with anger and started walking towards me. She looked straight into my eyes and gave me a killer look I could never forget.



And kids, that’s the last time I played scrabble with her!

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My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.

I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

I HATE THE SECOND LETTER OF THE ALPHABET SO MUCH THAT I AM PROTESTING!!

Say it with me!

BOOOOOOO Bs!
BOOOOOOO Bs!
BOOOOOOO Bs!

My buddy Mike wants to change his name by just one letter.

I keep telling him: "Nike, Just do it."

He doesn't get it.

Swoosh

I got early to the office and switched the letters N and M in some keyboards, some will say I'm a monster...

But others will say I'm a nomster

Who brings Reddit letters?

The repostman.

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Popewas on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if the ...

What do a guy who likes fruit and a cannibalistic Central American who can’t pronounce the letter G have in common?

They both love eating Watahmalans

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My therapist told me to write letters to people I hate, then burn them

Ok, done with the writing and the burning. Wtf am I supposed to do with the bunch of letters, though?

Cows & politics

***SOCIALISM***

You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

***COMMUNISM***

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

***FASCISM***

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

***BUREAUCRATISM***

...

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

I received a letter from my opticians, but I’m concerned about their printer....

Either it’s failing or they used a blurry font. So weird.

What is a pirate's favorite letter?

A letter of marque from the queen absolving him of all crimes in exchange for helping fight the French.

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Little Timmy is given the homework: find the first four letters of the alphabet

Timmy didn't have internet access, so he asked his mother for the first letter. She was cooking an burned herself and screamed "oh fuck off." So Timmy wrote that down. Then he went to his father, who was watching darts, to ask for the second letter. He shouted "180!" So Timmy wrote that down. Then h...

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with the wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very Truely Yours,
Acme Costume Co

The man thinks this is terrilbe because they have just emphasized his wooden leg an...

How does Tom Hanks sign his letters?

T.Hanks

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