Letters between a father and son

Dear son;

Your mother and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time.
...

My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it

Post office

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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...

Do I keep the letters?

In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.

And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding!

She got mad and said she is never playing Scrabble with me again!

What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?

Envelope

If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN

You get them VERY ANGRY.

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A letter from an Irish mother

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well.

You won't recognise the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 2...

accidentally swallowed a bag of scrabble letters

my next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

Doing a crossword puzzle I came across a clue “Part of the body where you might insert a plug. 3-Letters”

Turns out the correct answer is “EAR”. I was way off.

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A man placed an advertisement, "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing: You can have mine

I'm close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I don't know y

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What did the letter O say to the letter Q?

"Your dick is out!"

I have always thought that the second letter in the word “Hive” is quite beautiful, after all .....

Beauty is in the I of the bee holder.

Fact: Q is the only letter that isn’t in any American state name.

And as such, believers in Q don’t belong in America

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Hint: I didn't ask a question.

What’s long, hard, bendable and contains the letters p, e, n, i and s?

A spine

I'm a fruit. If you take away my first letter, I'm a body part. If you take away my first and last letter, I suck. What am I?

pear

My girlfriend said she'd leave me if I couldn't find a twelve letter word that means "obstructive".

I think it's unreasonable.

What is the coolest letter in the alphabet?

B, because it is in between the AC.

I saw someone spill their Scrabble letters all over the road the other day

I asked him, “Hey man, what’s the word on the street?”

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

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I recently received a letter about my donkey dying, but as I was reading it, a gust of wind caught it and blew it up into the sky.

It became an ass ending sending ascending.

Why is E the nicest letter?

Because all the others are naughty.

What’s a pirates favorite letter?

R? Wrong it’s the C

What's a pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Sir,

We’re writing to you because you’ve violated copyright ...

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

What is a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?

You'd think it would be 'r' but it be the 'c'

One day, a little boy decides to write his Christmas letter as usual. When all of a sudden, his mom pops into his room.

Mom: What are you doing son?

Boy: Writing my letter to santa mom

Mom: With how bad you've been this year you'll have to write a letter to Jesus to get anything!

So the boy starts to write his letter to Jesus, and has to think about what he's going to say.

'Dear Jesus, I'v...

Why didn't NASA name apollo rockets with letters?

Because if Apollo F crashed with all it's crew, they would have to make an Apollo G.

I was once in a diner and a man was choking. The waitress called out “Help, does anyone know CPR?!” “Yes!” I cried. “They’re three letters in the alphabet!” Everyone laughed

Well, except for one guy, I guess he didn’t get the joke.

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My therapist asked me to write hate-letters to all my enemies and burn them

He didn't tell me what to do with those damn letters though.

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Rearrange these letters to from words

1.pneis
2.buttsxe

Did u get *spine* and *subtext*

yeah neither did i

Anybody know someone that wants to buy letter openers, staplers, pens, and other office supplies?

Most of it is labeled with Capital Hill or U.S. Senate but it's all usable. Let me know! Thanks.

Did you know facists love 25 of the 26 letters?

Not "z".

Why don't British people pronounce the letter 't'?

Because the Americans threw it in the ocean.

ALTERNATE PUNCHLINE: Because they drank it all.

A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is. A boy at the back puts up his hand and says "G". The teacher says,

"Why is that Angus?"

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Me: I'm afraid of random letters

Therapist: you are?

Me: "screams"

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: "continues to scream"

Back when I was in elementary school one of my teachers would have a letter of the day and then pick one of the students to say something about the letter of the day.

One day I got picked and the letter of that day was N so I got asked, "Jeff, why don't you use the letter of the day, N, and tell us something that you're not very good at that starts with the letter N." I stood up next to my desk and said... Spelling

My wife accused me of cheating when she found a hidden letter...

I should've known better than to hide my X in the closet.

What did the skunk do with all their love letter?

They scent them.

I asked Reddit to letter-grade my looks. Their opinions were wildly different.

I was in tiers.

A college student writes a letter to his parents back home.

Dear Mom and Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. My profe$$or$ are al$o $uper cool! With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Mi$$ you guy$!
<...

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MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes h...

What's a four letter word ending with 'K' that means intercourse?

Talk.

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

Me: What’s a pirates favorite letter?

Unwitting person just living their life: R?

Me: R’s what you’d think but it’s the C they love!

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crosswo...

A cheating husband decided to write this letter to his wife:

"My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy.

I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good
wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending ...

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its mea...

What is Beyonce's favorite letter?

o o O o o o o o o o o O

"Mansplain" is a terrible word to use

because it has more letters than explain and is therefore more difficult for women to understand.

How do ghouls sign off a letter?

Best witches and worm regards

Friendly Letters

When I saw the letter h-i while reading the alphabet, I thought I finally had made a friend....

.... but the I saw the next two letters...

I quit my new job as a mailman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”

My russian boyfriend only writes in lowercase letters...

He doesn't like Capitalism

I wrote a reference letter while high on cannabis

I highly recommended him.

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: ”I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years.”“In all that tim...

Why is the letter B the Popes favorite letter?

Because it is the holiest.

What's my favourite xmas song? The one about the 25 letter alphabet.

Nooo L, nooo L, nooooo L, no L

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was sur...

My dad once told me a joke about unstamped letters

I never got it though.

What word in the English language does the following: the first two letters signify a male, the first three letters signify a female, the first four letters signify a great, while the entire world signifies a great woman. What is the word?

Heroine

Can you name the 3 NFL team's mascots that start with the letter "F"?

The Falcons, the Fourty-Niners and the F***ing Dolphins!

Anyone else tired of how long it takes the USPS to mail a package or letter this time of year?

It’s part of DeJoy of Christmas.

A man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to investigate. A few days later, he received this letter:

Most Honorable Sir,

You leave house, he come to house. He and she leave house, I follow. He and she go to hotel, I climb tree to see. He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. I play with me, I fall out of tree, I not see.

No fee,

Chen Lee

What did the letter P say to the letter Q?

Good god man, put some pants on!

How should you send a cat a letter?

With USPSpspspsps

3 words, 17 letters. Say it, and I'm yours.

Omelette du Fromage

First 4 letters of Nevada is Neva

In case you were wondering when they would finish

My preferred pronoun is "letter"

I was born female, but I identify as mail

Today I went to the post office to mail 20 letters...

so I bought 20 stamps...and the clerk just handed them to me. So I said "Am I supposed to stick all these on myself?"...and she said "No. Stick them on the envelopes.."

The letters in the English alphabet go to the beach (don't ask me why). Every letter gets sunburned except W, X, Y and Z. Why?

They had UV protection in front.

It starts with P, finishes with N and has 100 letters.

It is a postman.

Silent H

One day, I asked my English Teacher, "Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation eg. the letter H ...in Hour, Honour. ...etc. ...??????
My English Teacher said, " We are not ignoring them; they're considered silent "....... (I was even more confused .....?????)
During the lunch break, my ...

What contains the letters a,u, t, and s and is caused by vaccines?

Adults

50% of Canada

Is the letter A

What do you call it when Vanna White turns a letter other than a consonant?

A vowel movement

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.



Sincerely,



The Internet Provider

A reporter asked trump what the letter J in Donald.J.Trump stands for ?

He replied " Jenius"

A letter gets sent to the White House addressed to "The World's Greatest President"

President Biden refuses to open it, seeing as though he hasn't earned the title, so he forwards it to Obama. Obama won't touch it and sends it to the estate of George H. W. Bush, who promptly forwards it to George W. W won't look at it and sends it to Reagan's Presidential Library, where Trump hap...

I got my letter of acceptance to urology school today.

It read:

'Well done. Ur-ine'

People think that “queue” is just “q” followed by 4 silent letters

But those letters aren’t silent.

They’re just waiting their turn.

Whats hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, starts with a "c", ends with a "t" and has the letters "u" and "n" in the middle?

A coconut

The letters on my compass suddenly came to life to tell me I'm going the wrong way

I couldn't believe the NEWS!

A Tale Of Two Letters

Stalin, knowing that his time was short and that Khrushchev would be his eventual successor, summoned Nikita to a very private meeting. After telling Khrushchev how lonely it could get at the top, Stalin said: "I've left for you two letters containing my wisest counsel in the bottom drawer of the...

What do you call a protest consisting of the letters A, E, I, O, U and sometimes Y?

A vowel movement

Bad news: a message in German sent 110 years ago by homing pigeon was just found.

Worse news: it was an acceptance letter to art school.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Well, some people think its 'R', but that's just a hurtful stereotype.

Other people say that their true love is the 'C' which I can certainly understand...

But I find that it's actually the letter 'P', cause without it they're just irate.

When is a donkey spelled with one letter?

When it's U!

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it.

He decided he would just make the movie anyway, but instead of using the character's real names he would take away the last letter of their names.

Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting cr...

What two words have the most letters?

Post office.

When is a hen following the letter W

That’s it

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Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

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A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old boy toy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes ...

I visited my Great-Grampa yesterday and found him in tears with emotion

When I asked what was going on, He answered:

So many years ago, I fought in World War I. At some point, I saw a German, he saw me, we both aimed at each other but he was quicker and shot first. He missed me. In shock, I just ran away, never to see him again… or so I thought.

You see, s...

What's the second to last letter in the alphabet?

...

Because I want to know!?

(you have to say this one out loud to get it)

I asked my wife, “I’m stuck on a Crossword clue—-‘Overworked Postman’. Can you help?”

She said, “Sure. How many letters?”

I said, “Too many.”

The hardest part about learning the alphabet is the first four letters;

The rest is just E-Z.

My Teacher Always Prevented Me From Starting Each Word Of A Sentence With An Uppercase Letter ...

But She’s Not Here Now So I’m Going To Capitalize On This Opportunity.

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Me: I'm terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: *SCREAMS*

Therapist: Oh I see

Me: *SCREAMING INTENSIFIES*

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?" Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."

"Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!...

Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter "O"...

O B C D...

how do you make a hill sick?

remove the letter H

My favourite six letter word?

Dyslexia

What’s a pirates least favourite letter?

Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Sincerely, your service provider.

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Choose a new password

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password mu...

Which word has 6 letters, starts with an N and ends with an R and is related to a Race

NASCAR

A woman wants to know if her 3 future sons-in-law will be thrustworthy... ... So she decides to take them one by one on a walk and pretend to slip and fall into the water to see what they will do. And so it goes.

On the first walk, she pretends to slip and falls into the water. The first son-in-law takes of his shoes & coat and jumps in the water. The next day there is new family sedan parked in front of the house. There is a letter for the son-in-law which says:

_Thank you for saving me, here is ...

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TIL why Americans removed the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour.

Because Fuck U, that's why.

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