UPJOKE
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What’s a three letter word that starts with gas?

Car

What is a Pirate's favorite letter?

The one from the General Manager telling him he's been traded to the Mets.



Thanks to everyone who awarded this post! You're so kind .

If you take the first two letters of the title of each the 7 Harry Potter books, it spells out a secret message

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Why is C the only good letter in the English alphabet?

Because the others are Not-Cs

What word becomes shorter if you add two letters?

Short

What is a pirates favorite letter?

You think it be 'R', but a pirates first love will always be the 'C'!

A marine in Afghanistan receives a letter

In the letter his girlfriend explained that she had slept with his best friend while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any self respecting M...

How do you spell sand with only 3 letters?

S, A, and D.

If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN...

they become VERY ANGRY!

Letter from prison

A father sends a letter to his son in prison: "I will not be able to plant potatoes this year. The fields have not been plowed yet, because you are not here to help out."

The son wrote back: "It's just as well, because the money I stole was buried in the fields."

The next day, the poli...

What starts with an E and ends with an E, but only has one letter in it?

Envelope

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Correspondence from a long lost friend.

Stuck on a crossword.. “according to the saying, these should be seen but not heard” 8 letters, starts with a C.

I got it, Coldplay.

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with "I".

Student: I is the....

Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after "I". Always put 'am' after "I".

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

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I asked my friend if he'd give me a four letter verb that means "to be aware of"

... but that asshole kept telling me no!

What has four letters, sometimes has nine letters and occasionally has twelve letters?

The mailman

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

The letter P, without it he’s irate.

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Letter from a Polish mother to her son

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. You won't know the house when you come home . . we've moved.

About your father . . . he has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutti...

Whats a pirates favourite letter of the alphabet

None. Historians believe pirates were illiterate.

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.

She got mad and said she's never playing scrabble with me again!!

The Letter "C" is useless

The letter "C" conveys either a "K" sound or a "S" sound. As such, it serves no purpose and makes spelling problematic. The Germans know this and rarely use the letter C when the letter K can be used instead. Americans disagree.

The debate got violent early in the 20th century when the Americ...

I got a letter the other day without a return address on it. I assumed it was from the Philippines...

It was in a Manila envelope.

What is a pirate’s favorite letter?

Gee, I didn’t see that coming.

[old joke] A navy officer sent a letter to his wife that he would be arriving a week earlier..

When he arrives,he finds his wife in bed with another man.

Disgusted, he goes to the navy base and stays in the lodge contemplating what to do next.

The next day, he receives a call from his mother-in-law who is also a wife of a naval officer.

" Rose told me everything" she sai...

A woman comes home and finds a letter from her husband on the dinner table

She opens it and reads:

"My Dear Wife,

you will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54-year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact th...

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up a letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
<...

Ben is serving term in prison for fraud. One day he receives a letter from his father, Maurice

Dear Ben,

It looks like I won't be able to plant anything in the garden this year. I am growing too old to do any digging without your help. Looking forward to your early release.

Love, Dad

Ben replies:

Dear Dad,

Please don't dig up the garden - that's where I hid ...

What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it?

Post office

Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter "O"...

O B C D...

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A married man keeps telling his wife “ Honey , you have such a

"Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo...

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.

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LongMEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes ho...

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An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the lot for me.

Love Dad.
\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\~\...

It is not easy to come up with jokes about undelivered letters.

People just don’t get them.

my wife just said she would use a 4 letter word to describe me. It has a C and a U and a T in it

Apparently Im cute!

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

Why is the Z the only politically-correct letter?

Because all the other letters are not-Z's.

I’m no racist, except when it comes to people who like the 21st letter of the alphabet

U-people make me sick

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions......... 1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? 2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?r>
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make som...

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.

I dont know whY.

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People don’t believe me that I’m always eating rope which looks like the 21st letter of the alphabet

I shit U knot

What's a pirate's favorite letter of the alphabet?

You'd think it'd be R, but it's the C they truly love!

I asked some people what you could spell from the letters n t o g i h n

All of them said you couldn't spell anything

How can a letter appear 3 times in a 5-letter word?

Must be an error.

What's the difference between flying pigs and politicians?

The letter F

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A man working in the city gets a letter,

It says "Come right away, your wife died". He takes some time off his job and goes back to his rural hometown.

All the people in the village are in his house, weeping and crying. He walks into his wife's room, holds her motionless body and starts crying, when suddenly she opens her eyes and ...

I’ve heard the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Which is a shame, because I was hoping to use it as a book title.

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

What word begins with the letter "F" and ends in "UCK"?

Firetruck

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.

And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.

What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.

Sincerely,

Your Internet Provider

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Little Johnny was sitting in class when his teacher starts asking the class words for each letter of the alphabet.

asking the class words for each letter of the alphabet. She starts with A and little Johnny hand shoots up. The teacher thinks he is going to say ass I can't call on him. She calls on another student and she says.

"Apple. I gave my teacher an apple."

Teacher responds good job and moves...

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road

I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"

It's amazing how removing letters from something changes things so fast

For instance, if you remove enough letters from 'mailbox' you get 'felony'

Retirement Home

A woman moves to a retirement home. Her sons each decide to give her a nice gift as a token of their gratitude.

“I will buy a Ferrari for mom,” the oldest says, “at least half a million dollars worth, so she can enjoy a nice drive.”

“I'll buy her a luxurious villa with a downstairs sle...

My Mum's instinctual answer to a crossword clue made for a great joke: "A useless object, 3 letters long, begins and ends with D"

Dad.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it

Post office

Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

What’s letter can pirates never get past in the alphabet

You think it’d be the Arrrr. But they’re always stuck at sea

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Me: I’m terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: (Screams)

Therapist: I see

Me: (Scream intensifies)

Therapist: okay, okay

Me: please stop!

A collection of humorous anecdotes from the world of education

>TEACHER: Maria, please can you find North America on the map.
>
>MARIA: Here it is.
>
>TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
>
>CLASS: Maria.



>TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? ...

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I hate my X

English to become the official European language.

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-E...

How do you call someone that switches the m and n letters on a keyboard

A Nomster

A man writes a letter to the IRS . . .

. . . saying "I am unable to sleep because of the guilt I feel for cheating on my taxes. I have underreported my income and am enclosing a check for $1500. If I still can't sleep I will send the rest".

My friend asked me to tell her the 14th and 15th letters of the alphabet.

I told her no.

Which letter in the alphabet has a shoe brand?

Adidas

Did you hear about the farmer whose wife left him for a traveling tractor salesman?

She wrote him a John Deere letter.

"The report"

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
...

What's a six-letter word that means a false feeling of accomplishment?

Wordle.

Dave, a man committed to an insane asylum, was writing a letter.

The doctor asks "Hi there Dave, whatcha' doing there?"

Dave answers, "I'm writing a letter to myself."

"Really? What does it say?" The doctor asks.

And Dave answers, "I don't know, I haven't received it yet."

My friend said that, apparently, you cant make a sentence without the letter 'a'...

I don't know if they're right. Do you guys know if its true? I'm honestly kind of lost on this one...

Old Arabs used primitive stenography in war correspondence by sending meaningless sentences, with the initial letters of words as the real deal.

Thus was: We Hate Early Retreat Ending after returning eager to have eggs after rear right of wet sea.

And we used to send a reply as this one:

Upon  Pondering Your Order Utmost rates are still solid

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive. Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single- line coded message: 370HSSV – 0773H. Trump was baffled, so he scanned it and emailed it to his aides, who had no clue either, so th...

Naming the COVID-19 variants, the WHO skipped the greek letter 'xi'.

They did that in order to not insult the leader of West Taiwan.

France just made a 2 letter abbreviation for their country

Oh, fr?

The first four letters of the alphabet are the hardest.

The rest are e-z.

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What are a nazi’s favorite letters?

a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o p q r s t u v w x y

The letters I, Z, R and E walked into a bar.

The result was bizarre.

Letters between a father and son

Dear son;

Your mother and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time.
...

Have you ever realised how pretty the second letter of the word hive is?

I've always said that beauty is in the I of the bee holder

What does the far-right have in common with the first 25 letters of the alphabet?

They are all not z's.

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

so i was in a urinal in the carribbean

And on my love muscle i have my GFs name Wendy tattoed. I was in the urinal next to this dark guy who had the letters W and Y tattooed on his love muscle. I asked him if he had a gf called Wendy as well, he said "Na man. It says Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice stay"

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Post office joke

A post office received a letter from a little boy named Billy addressed to Santa Claus. They look at each other and, not knowing what to do with this, decide to read it out loud and have some fun. The letter goes something like this: “Dear Santa, our dad left us recently, my mom lost her job, so now...

What do you call a letter sent by a criminal

Context

Why didn't NASA name apollo rockets with letters?

Because if Apollo F crashed with all it's crew, they would have to make an Apollo G.

Probably done before: What's a pirate's LEAST favourite letter?

Dear Mr Redbeard,

It has come to our attention that you have been illegally duplicating and reselling copywrited movies without permission.

As such, and utilising the full jurisdiction of the Federal Communications Authority, you are subpoenaed to appear before the Federal Supreme Cour...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...

Do I keep the letters?

I came across my mum and dad's love letters today

I tried to wipe it off, but they're ruined.

Old army joke

A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well...

What two letters are always jealous?

N-V

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Proper use of capital letters

It's the difference between helping grandpa jack off a horse and helping grandpa Jack off a horse.

I'm doing a crossword, and I'm stuck on seven down. It's seven letters long and the clue is “Lemonade drink, not Sprite”.

Oh no wait sorry that's not seven down, that's Seven Up.

Rearrange the letters PNEIS ...

**When I was young I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.** 

**One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when it is erect.  Those who answered SPINE are doctors tod...

How does a vampire start a letter?

Tomb it may concern...

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The greatest wishes

Genie: You have three wishes.

Man: Make every word four letters.

Gnie: Okay?

Mann: Make evry word strt aand endd with "b".

Bnib: Bkab?

Banb: Bakb bheb bwob bdlb btrb bofb bvrb borb "o".

Boob: Boob.

What’s a pirates favorite letter?

In best pirate voice “me hart will always belong to the CCCCcccc!!!”

John decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

Two brothers want to find out the truth about Soviet Russia

Two brothers want to find out if Soviet Russia is really like the propaganda they hear in the West. They decide that the older brother will go to Soviet Russia to see for himself and write back what he sees. However, since the letter might get censored by the Soviet government, they decide that if t...

A letter an 83-year-old lady wrote to her grandson.

My dear grandson,



Some days ago, I experienced something wonderful, which I want to share with you.

I went to a religious shop and found a car sticker saying: "Honk if you love God!"

I decided to buy it and stick it on the bumper of my car.

When I went away, I was...

How can you tell if a letter in your mailbox is a boy or a girl?

If it's a bill, it's fee mail.

My mom always wanted to name her kids with the 4 same letters. There's my two sisters Lana and Nala, and then there's me...

Alan.

Me - “What’s a 3 letter word for compete?”

Dracula - “Vie.”

Me - “It’s for a crossword.”

I saw this on Twitter(@clichedout) and it made me smile so hopefully someone else will get a kick out of it.

Today I went to the post office to mail 20 letters... so I bought 20 stamps...

and the clerk just handed them to me. So I said "Am I supposed to stick all these on myself?"...and she said "No. Stick them on the envelopes.."

All the proof you need.

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the law...

What's a pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Sir,

We’re writing to you because you’ve violated copyright ...

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