UPJOKE
simplebarespecifiedplainmerelyactuallessonlythantrivialridiculousastonishingbarelystaggeringminimum

Long ago, when Reddit was not yet a website but merely a small Kingdom,

There was a tournament for knights. From all over the kingdoms, knights came to show their prowess. In front of enormous crowds the knights would do their most daring feats of swordplay, showing astounding skill and exemplary control of their weaponry. All except one knight, who consistently did ...

Car broke down

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the ...

"Rain is merely a temporary obstacle in life, it's a metaphor of the inevitable downfall before success."

- Incy Wincy Spider

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven...

When an old man approaches.


"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.


"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I l...

A diamond is merely a lump of coal

that did well under pressure.

Einstein, Newton & Pascal are chilling one afternoon.

Einstein is bored, so he suggests:
“Let’s play hide-and-seek. I’ll be it!”

The others agree, so Einstein begins counting.

“One… Two… Three…”

Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide.
But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a 1 meter x 1 meter sq...

White House phone records on the day of the Capitol Riots show a seven-hour gap in the President's calls

Aides say he was merely taking a Covfefe break.

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I Am The Viper! (Long)

A young man inherited a stately manor from his uncle after his untimely passing. The man's uncle was in reasonably good health, but was found dead in his library. His body bore signs of poisoning, but there was no one else with him the night of his death and no poison was found in his system or on t...

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to ...

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An interesting story

There once was a King of a tribe in Africa. He lived in a huge, round house made of grass, typical of all the others in the village, except that his was the largest. By day he sat on the stump of a tree, which had been brought into his hut, and covered with animal skins. Everyone else sat on the flo...

Today, I saw a painting unveiled at a museum, but it was merely a red dot on canvas.

It must have been a period piece.

Your crush's boyfriend is merely an obstacle, similar to a fence.

You just gotta jump 'em.

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Man walks in a kitchen bent over

Wife, shocked, asks him what is wrong with him. He explains that he was merely getting dressed when he felt stabbing pain in the back and now he can't straighten himself up. "You need to see a doctor" she suggest. "oh, I'm going there right away." In the afternoon wife comes home and husband is perf...

At first, I was merely a stock trading enthusiast…

…but now I'm fully invested.

A man's car breaks down in the middle of the night. He knows the area well and realizes that the quickest way to the nearest service station is through an old graveyard...

He's walking along the headstones when in the distance he hears a faint tapping noise. As he gets deeper into the graveyard, the eerie tapping gets louder and louder. He very anxiously turns a corner and sees the source of the tapping is an old man with a hammer and chisel, hunched over a headstone....

One day, a lawyer finds a genie's lamp.

The lawyer rubs the lamp, and the genie comes out.


"You have three wishes," the genie says. "The only rule is that you can't wish for more wishes."


After thinking for a while, the lawyer finally says, "I wish the word *splork* were interchangeable with the word *wish*. Nex...

Joe Biden and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

As they are waving to everyone, Biden leans towards Trump saying,

“Did you know, that with one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? Also, this joy will not be merely a momentary display, like that of your followers, but will go deep into their hearts...

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[OC] An airline captain is holding interviews for a new copilot after the former one retired

He holds a series of back to back interviews, each one going seemingly better than the last. On the last scheduled interview for the day, a man walks in holding a human turd. He places the turd in the chair facing the captain. Seeing the captain's confused look, the man explains that the turd will b...

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Wilhelm has just been sent to a German concentration camp.

He’s very grateful when his first day of brutal roadwork is over, but when he returns to the camp he is introduced to a strange tradition. As a sadistic joke, the commandant has forced all the prisoners to pretend to be clock pendulums, rocking back and forth and saying “tick tock tick tock” over an...

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

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The Medicran (long)

Fair warning: I heard this from my Dad years ago, so…dad joke ahead. Consider yourself warned.

Long ago, a tribe of the northlands was being savaged by the fearsome Medicran. A council of the tribes elders, after some discussion decided something needed to be done. They charged the tribe’s b...

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet...

Fun Facts about ants

So as you may or may not know, ants have many breeds, but above these breeds, two general groups can be seen in ants around the world. These groups are the Macro ants (Big ants), and the Micro ants (Small ants).

Multiple different breeds of ants can be found in each of the two groups (Such ...

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth.

The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he ...

Two guys are driving together late at night...

They notice a stake in the ground on the side of the road with the letters “RE” on it. “Hmmm” they wonder, “what’s that about?”

They continue on, and they notice another. Then one more.

At this point, the passenger merely sighs out of boredom, and then passes out, exhausted.

Mea...

A cop pulls over a car going 45 mph down the highway.

As he walks up to the drivers side window he notices that it is a little old lady driving the vehicle with her friend in the passenger seat. When the old lady rolls down her window, the cop asks why she was driving so slow. The old lady simple replied that she was going the speed limit and gestured ...

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“I don’t know, but...”

Joe walks into a bathroom. He walks up to a urinal and unzips his pants when he hears “Psst.. buddy. Can you help a guy out?” Joe looks over and sees a man standing a couple urinals down. “Uh.. what?” inquires Joe. “Buddy, I need help unzipping my fly,” responds the man, who upon saying so nods his ...

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A family is sitting around the dinner table...

The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After f...

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A Donald Trump Joke

Disclaimer! I did not write this joke, I merely found it on the internet and wanted to share it to everyone. Please comment down the original owner if you know who it is, because he deserves all the credits.

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an...

A man died and went to heaven...

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “what are those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are repost-Clocks, every subreddit on Earth has a repost-Clock. Every time the sub reposts the han...

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A rabbit is joyfully running through the forest... (nsfw)

...when he stumbles upon a skunk rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the skunk and says, "Skunk my friend, why do you do this? Come and run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!"

The skunk looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabb...

A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.

However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants.

Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts.

"The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who a...

Ah, Perry the Platypus. Before I begin, I would like to assure you that this joke was absolutely not stolen. And of course by not stolen I mean COMPLETELY STOLEN! *activates trap*

Behold, My voice-changenator! This masterpiece has the power to modify people's voices across the tristate area! Watch as I merely post to my blog, and then any one who reads it is suddenly unable to resist even thinking in a voice other than my own!

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A Greek man refused to worship the gods.

Zeus, being farely pissed, took away the man's sight. "Go to the temple, make a sacrifice to me and you will see again," he said. But the man merely laughed.

Athena, hearing about this, travelled to Earth and took away his taste. "If you ever want to taste a well-cooked meal again", she said,...

Jungle Drums

An anthropologist went to study a far-flung tropical island. He found a guide with a canoe to take him upriver to the remote site where he would make his observations. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What are those dr...

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Two Cows

**Edit: Just to make it clear, I am not taking credit for the joke(s). I just merely found it/them whilst browsing around and thought you guys would appreciate it/them.**



SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour



COMMUNISM

You have 2...

I hate it when people think I'm a kidnapper...

I'm merely a surprise adopter.

So this is how it ends, huh...

I was arrested for speaking out of line.
I was protesting against the injustices facing our community, the harsh taxes and oppressions that have faced my community for years. The cruel and unusual punishments especially. Our town is small and insular, so outside influence is heavily resisted by ...

A Statistician Refuses to Fly

His friend asks him, "Why do you have this irrational fear of flying?"

"Irrational?" the statistician replies, "Not at all. I've merely calculated the odds of a bomb being placed on a plane and it's much too high for my comfort."

A few days later, the friend boarded a flight only to ...

A cook during medieval times is ordered to prepare a feast for the king...

Knowing this was a feast for the king, the cook prepared everything diligently and carefully. At the day of the feast, the king and his guests arrive and begin to eat. They are in love with the food from the lamb to the roast duck to even the soups. The king recognized the cooks ability and made him...

A cop gets called out to a bar on suspicion of a man selling drugs in the bathroom

Upon arrival, the cop finds a man with a bag of cocaine in his hand about to flush it down the toilet. The cop stops him and asks him, “is this bag yours?”

The man replies “I’m sorry officer I swear someone handed me these and ran. I kept trying to flush them down the toilet but they keep app...

Unemployed people

I have some jokes about the unemployed.

Actually it doesn't matter none of them work

Three nuns were fatally injured in a horrific auto accident on Halloween night.

Being the holy women that they were, the three of them ascended into heaven.

The nuns were stopped at the gates of St Peter.

St Peter said to the nuns “Behold! The gates of your eternal kingdom & glory. Being Halloween night, I must ask each of you a biblical question which will pr...

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Trmp, Putin and Duterte all died on the same day

After they die, the wake up in a building. The three of them not knowing what was going on.

After some small talk, they hear a deep and loud voice saying.

- " Rodrigo Duterte, room 623"

Duterte, followed by Trump and Putin starts looking for this room, and after a long search ...

Engineers take a bow!

During the development of a new jet fighter aircraft the wings on the prototypes kept snapping off where they joined the fuselage. The test-pilots who only barely survived by ejecting in time were terrified. No amount of re-design seem to solve the problem, so the aircraft company in desperation off...

Joke I heard while in Hungary

Two cops are standing by the street side in New York City. A foreigner approaches them looking slightly panicked.

"Parlez vous Francais?" He asks them. The cops, not knowing a word of French merely shrug their shoulders at the man.

Frustrated, he asks them, "Ustedes hablan español?" Ag...

A man went searching for the perfect joke...

He went to the best comedy clubs in his city and listened for days. He heard some great things, but nothing he could call perfect.

 

He journeyed to Hollywood, and tracked down the best comedic actors and screenwriters. Each one, eager for the honor of creating the perfect jok...

People were astounded to find a stringed instrument hidden within the dry well

but it was merely more evidence of the violins inherent in the cistern.

In the 1980s, Gorbachev was adored by the West...

... But very much hated by his own people. All of Russia despised the man who caved in to the West and weakened the mighty Soviet Union. Many wanted to have his head, even his officials and the KGB.

One day at the Red Square, Gorbachev was giving a speech in front of the public. The KGB deci...

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