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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. 

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

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How do you get 20 Canadians out of a pool on a hot summer day?

Blow a whistle and say, "Everyone out of the pool, please!” How do you get 20 Americans out of a pool on a hot summer day? Blow a whistle and say, "For your own good and the safety of others, stay in the fucking pool!”

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

My brother, my sister, and myself pooled our money together

We treated our dad with this fish therapy where little fish nibble on the dead skin until it is gone.

It was money well spent, because it was much cheaper than a regular funeral.

How do you know if a swimming pool is safe for diving?

It deepends

Baby, are you a pool?

Because damn you're so shallow!

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

What is green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it’ll kill you?

A pool table

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

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Had a wank in a pool earlier,

call it a gene pool.

What did the stepsister say to her brother who suddenly dove into a pool?

Water you doing step bro?

I used to fly a hang glider over my hot neighbor's pool.

My dad caught me and told me, "Son. You're grounded."

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How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They’ll never get it done because they always end up fucking the pool boy while their husbands are at work instead. Fuck you Linda

Cardi B was hosting a private pool party...

With music bumping, and social media blowing up with post about where it was, tons of fans were trying to get in, but bouncers turned them all away unless Cardi B gave approval herself.

As the party reached its peak, screams started coming from the pool and everyone rushed out getting water ...

I asked the gentleman to stop peeing in the pool.

He told me, "Everyone pees in the pool."

"From the diving board?"

"Madam, Please ask your son to stop peeing in the pool!"

"Oh, But everyone pees in the pool! Are you saying you haven't?"



***'Not from the Diving board!!!"***

What do chickens play in the pool?

Marco Pollo

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I got told off for pissing in the swimming pool earlier.

I don't know why, I wasn't even gonna get in.

Trump dies and goes to hell..

... where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go,...

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The swimming pool

I was at the local swimming pool today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.

The lifeguard must have noticed.

He blew the whistle so fucking loud I nearly fell in!

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

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One of my favourite jokes from one of my favourite movies, Desperado. Originally delivered by my favourite director, Quentin Tarantino

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says...

At a bar, my friend made a remarkable shot in pool, and I asked how he did it.

He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot."

Then he threw a dart and got a bullseye on the first throw and I asked how he could aim the dart so well.

He said, "When I am about to throw a dart, it's like magic, I can just se...

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A billionaire was having a party at his house

And in his back yard he had a huge pool with great white sharks in it.
He announced to everyone at the party that whoever could swim across the pool without getting attacked could either have all his money, his wife, or his house.
So when everyone got back to talking all of a sudden a guy is ...

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

Jeffrey and Hillary were both patients at a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jeffrey suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Hillary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jeffrey out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Hillary's ...

A blind man visits Texas.

When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. "Wow, this bed is big!" "Everything is big in Texas," says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool, and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. "Wow these drinks are big!" The bartender replies, "Every...

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

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My cat fell in the pool..

My cat fell in the pool and the chicken standing next to the pool started laughing.


Moral of the story: Wet pussy makes cock feel good.

What do you call an overweight psychic in a pool?

Clair-bouyant

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with a monkey. Proceeds to the bar, and asks the bartender if he can sit and have a few beers as his monkey joins him.

It’s slow, so the bartender says “sure.”

After a few drinks, the guy asks the bartender if he would keep an eye on his monkey while he uses the...

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

25% of my Pool

Is P

Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says

"No swimming without supervision."

Did you hear about the two friends who pooled their money to buy a brand new saxophone?

They recently entered into a same-sax relationship.

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It's 1845 and a man travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. (LONG)

It's 1845 and Jacob travels to Montana with his wife and son to settle. After hard work, he has a log cabin built and pulls a brass bell from a steamer trunk they brought with them.

His wife, Sara, is bemused, asking what the bell is for. As the man proceeds to hang it from the eaves just in...

Two reasons why I don't let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool

1. I don't have a swimming pool.
2. I don't have a girlfriend.

The pool on the titanic is still full...

Let that sink in

A guy sees his friend is peeing in the pool...

And says, "hey buddy, why are you peeing in the pool!?"

"What do you mean? Everyone does it"

"Yeah, but not from the top of the ladder!"

What do you call a guy who jumps off the 3rd floor balcony into the pool and misses?

An ambulance

I peed in my neighbors’ pool yesterday, and they noticed.

I guess I should have gotten in first.

How are women like swimming pools?

They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside them

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Nowadays teens could just look up porn on the internet. Back in my day, they only had porn in the stores. But they wouldn’t sell it to us because we were underage. So we had to pool our money and give it to the homeless guy outside of the store.

He then would strip and play with himself for us. It wasn’t terrible but my point is you kids got it easy.

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

What's the difference between a bunch of babies in a pool and some coins?

The coins are the only thing heads up...

Just remembered a classic from my childhood

When I say childhood, I mean from the playground at primary school.

3 men are out for a walk when a man approaches them.

"Come with me, I have a magic slide. Whatever you shout as you slide down it, you will land in"

The first man climbed into the slide "Gold!" He shouted and la...

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company

But the work was just too draining.

How do you make a pool table laugh?

Tickle it’s balls

Why were the elephants kicked from the pool?

Because they tried to drop their trunks

Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it’s strange that the town in the movie “Cars” is called “Radiator Springs”.

It would be like if we called a city “Liver Pool”.

Bill: “I’ve just got back from a holiday in Poole.” Ben: “In Dorset?”

Bill: “I’d recommend it to anyone.”

How do you get 100 drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool?

You say "Please get out of the pool."

How do you drown a blonde?

Put a scratch-n-sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

Billionaire's Party

A billionaire built a large pool for his man eating shark. At parties he would tell guests, “If anyone can swim the length of this pool then I will give you one of three things: $10 million, half of my estate, or the hand of my daughter in marriage.”

No one ever took the billionaire up on the...

A message to any weak/beginning swimmers thinking about swimming in the deep end of the pool today:

I'd advise you not to; you'll be in over your head.

What do you call a pride pool party?

Alphabet soup

I come from a long line of alcoholics

My gene pool has a swim-up bar.

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?

Bob.

These 2 patients in a psychiatric hospital started playing beside the pool

All of a sudden 1 of em fell so the other fella jumped and saved him.

The next day the hospital summoned the 2nd patient and said to them : congratulation and thank you for your bravery but unfortunately your friend hung himself in his room

the pation goes: I know,i hanged him there to...

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God invited three presidents - Putin, Lukashenko and Trump - to his place.

"I need to have a very important conversation with you later. So, make yourselves at home, I have a magic swimming pool with a high diving-board, just say a word, and all the water from the pool turn into that", said God, "Just look! Orange juice!" And all the water instantly became orange juice....

What does a lawyer wear when he goes to the pool?

A lawsuit

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Having some areas in pandemic lock down and others not in lock down is like...

trying to organize the pissing section in a swimming pool.

I must be really drunk because I swear I just heard a bar stool ask the pool table if it wanted a fight.

My money's on the pool table.

What kind of a cue would Barbie use if she played pool?

A barbeque.

Why did the partially-sighted kid go to the public swimming pool?

He wanted adult supervision.

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A chicken walks into a library...

The librarian lifts their gaze with a mixture of curiosity and surprise as the bird hops onto the counter. It tilts its head and, with an air of demand, clucks:

"Book!"

The librarian is taken aback at this odd display. The chicken impatiently taps one foot on the counter.

"Book,...

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Four married guys going diving. The following conversation took place...

First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out diving this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy, "...

An Atheist in Hell

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No...

I spent most of my afternoon hanging out at the swimming pool...

...and then someone told me and I tucked it back in again.

Why does Tom Petty prefer to dive into a pool?

Because the wading is the hardest part.

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A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he is ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he is surrounded by bloodthirsty savages.And he thinks, ‟Man, I’m totally fucked.”

‟No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, ‟You’re not fucked.”

The voice continues, ‟Listen to me very carefully. ...

I got caught peeing in the pool.

The lifeguard's whistle startled me so much, I nearly fell in!

Two Frenchmen are going for a walk one day, when they happen upon a swimming pool filled entirely to the brim with loaves of bread.

The first, who happens to be a baker, exclaims "Mon amie, what a beautiful sight! I'm going to dive into this pool."

The second says "I'm not sure that's such a good idea. If you hit the bottom, you're going to be in a lot of pain."

Yesterday I learnt that 20 piranhas can strip all flesh off a man within 6 minutes.

Unfortunately, I also lost my job at the local swimming pool.

An couple of Swedish jokes

What does it say at the bottom of a Norwegian swimming pool?

- No smoking allowed.

Why do Norwegian motor bikers wear pyjamas hats instead of helmets?

- Because the helmet broke during the 300 metre free fall test.

Why did the Norwegian bring a car door to the desert?<...

Son: Hey Dad, I'm going to the pool to meet girls, any advice?

Dad: Just put this tennis ball inside your trunks. The will line line up to talk to you.

After a while, The son went back crying.


Son: Hey Dad! It didn't work, They all left me when i jump right in!

Mom: Dad's not here son. But why do you have a tennis ball at the back of yo...

A boy and girl are playing in a swimming pool...

The boy says to the girl... I’m going to duck you!
The girl laughs and says... don’t be silly you can’t even say it properly

At the swimming pool

A lifeguard reprimand a kid:
- Boy! Stop peeing in the pool!
- But everyone does!
- I know, but not from the diving board!

What do chefs use to play pool?

Cue-cumbers

Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?

It wanted to become a watermelon

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My neutered dog wants to jump in the pool soo bad.

he just doesn’t have the balls to do it.

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy...

Gomer – who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.“Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “Gomer, what is 1 and 1?” “11” he replied.The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but he’s right.”“What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?” “Today an...

Two homeless drunks have an idea NSFW

Two homeless men are talking together in an alley.

&nbsp;

One man says to the other: Hey, I have an idea let's pool our money and buy a hotdog. Then we will go to every bar in town and order drinks until they ask us to pay. When they do, you drop on your knees, open my fly, start ...

Two guys are relaxing in a pool, one is belly up, and the other is bellow down.

They have been like this for fifteen minutes.

My waterproof speaker got damaged when I threw it into the pool.

I filed a request for a replacement but they denied my request saying, "It's not our fault the pool was empty".

I was just taking a dip in the swimming pool when the lifeguard shouted out..

"What have you got there?"



"Hummus", I replied.

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At a bar, my friend made an astounding pool shot.

I asked how he did it. He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot."

After he finished destroying me at pool, we were playing darts and he hit nothing but bullseyes. I was pretty pissed. I asked, "Lemme guess. A line like magic?" He...

What do Jewish people wear in the pool?

Synagoggles.

Why did Jesus walk on water?

Because there's no running at the pool.

Underwater Birth

My wife and I decided to have an underwater child birth. The Dr. said birth in a pool would be less traumatic for the baby.

In hindsight, I don't think we would do it again. It seemed very chaotic as everyone was screaming, pushing, and splashing water as they tried to get out of the pool.

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Immortal porpoises

One day Timmy has had enough. He is completely burned out, so he decides to use his saved up vacation days to go hiking in the mountains. He packs his tent and all his camping gear, and starts driving.

After many hours of driving he finialy arrives. He puts his backpack on his back and hea...

I dropped a bottle of spring water into a pool

It turned into a trampoline.

My kid was blown away when I did the perfect dive into the pool.

Just so happened a tornado ripped through the town at the same time.

A Tough Mafioso Called Home

Maid answers: Hello?

Tough Mafioso: Put my wife on the phone.

Maid: Just a minute.

Maid comes back after a minute: I'm sorry but she's indisposed in the bathroom.

Tough Mafioso: I said put her on the phone. Now!

Maid stutters: She, she can't come to the phone right...

So I needed to go to the bathroom when I was at the public pool

so I decided that I wasn't bothered to go to the toilet

And I figured that I was at the deep end so no one would see

So I peed right then and there

And the lifeguard shouted "HEY!"

when the lifeguard shouted that I nearly fell in the pool.

Last Night I Dreamed I was swimming in a pool of Orange Soda.

Luckily it was just a FANTAsea

What do anti-vaxx children play in the pool?

Marco-Polio

A couple friends pool their money together to get their buddy a sweater for his birthday

He was hoping for a moaner or a screamer though.

So an Anti Vax kid was playing in the pool...

“Marco!”







“Polio!”

A brother hits his sister in the eye with a pool noodle.

It was an accident but the girl gets a really nasty black eye. So the next day the girl gets to tell to all her friends about it and blames the brother. The brother doesn’t like the unwarranted attention.

He goes to his father and tells him he doesn’t like his sister telling everyone he hit ...

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10 Catholic school girls are on a bus when they are hit by train and immediately sent to the pearly gates...

St. Peter awaits them ready to speak to each lady to determine if they are worthy of entering into heaven. He asks the first girl,

"So Marie, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Marie says, "Well I once touched the tip with my finger." Peter tells Marie to dip her finger into the pool...

An Irishman is at the top of the diving board about to dive in when the attendant yells out "Stop! The pool has no water in it!"

"That's OK" says Paddy. "I can't swim".

A lifeguard asks a mother to scold her son for urinating in the public pool.

“It’s perfectly natural,” the mother says, “for young children to urinate in the pool. Plenty of children at this pool do it. I don’t see why my son doing it is such a big deal.” The lifeguard pulls down his sunglasses and replies, “Well, all the other kids aren’t doing it off the diving board.”

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Three guys walk into a genie next to a pool.

The genie tells them that the pool will fill up with whatever they yell as they jump in.

The first guy jumps and yells “money!” the pool fills with gold coins and bills.

The second one jumps in and screams “women!” And a bunch of women appear in the pool and eat his ass.

The thi...

CLEAN THE POOL!

My wife’s been bugging me to vacuum the pool for months.

I tried telling her “If the water’s healthy enough for those tadpoles, it’s good enough for the kids”.

I think she’s being a little too bossy.

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