Pool Jokes - 96 Hilarious Pool Jokes

I got caught peeing in the pool by the lifeguard.

I was so frightened, I almost fell in.

How do you get 30 Canadians out of a pool?

You say, “O.K., everybody, it’s time to get out of the pool!”

What do women and pools have in common?

They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.

Swimming Pool Joke

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

The old man's pool

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.

Right at the back of the farm, there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer d...

Cop: So I’m writing you a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

You can't have a Public Pool

without P.

I got kicked out of the pool for peeing in it. I said "what's the big deal? everybody pees in the pool"

They said "maybe, but not from the diving board"

Jim and Edna are both mental patients. One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but, doesn't come up for air. Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so dives in and pulls him out.

Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and sayes "Edna, Ive got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane 'saving anothers life'. But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom ..."
"Oh no' Edna ...

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

I used to be a lifeguard at a public pool....

Until this blue kid got me fired.

At a bar, my friend made a remarkable shot in pool, and I asked how he did it.

He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot."

Then he threw a dart and got a bullseye on the first throw and I asked how he could aim the dart so well.

He said, "When I am about to throw a dart, it's like magic, I can just se...

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A General wants to reserve a Jeep from the motor pool.

A general wants to reserve a jeep from the motor pool. His assistant is out so he makes the call himself.

"Motor pool"

"Hello, yes, I'd like to reserve a jeep for General Franklin"

"Well it better be a big jeep if fatass Franklin wants to go for a ride in it."

The General...

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Spectre pool party

So Blofeld is holding a pool party for Spectre. There is the usual laughing, drinking, catalogues of secret weapons and torture devices etc.

And Blofeld announces “for entertainment tonight I am offering a million dollars for anyone who will swim across my swimming pool full of man-eating ...

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The corporal at the Motor Pool received a call one day demanding the delivery of a Jeep.

"Sorry, man", said the Corporal, "the last Jeep went out yesterday to Sgt. Fat-Ass McGinty."

The voice on the phone said, "Do you know who this is?"

"No, man," said the Corporal.

"This is Sgt. McGinty!"

After a moment, the Corporal asked, "Well, do you know who *this* is?...

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Just saw my next door neighbor with big boobs, laying topless by the pool

Just wish his wife would do the same

Everyone pees in the pool...

But you do it once from the high dive and you're some sort of monster.

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

My son asked me, "Is this pool safe for diving?" I chuckled and replied...

"It deep ends..."

The pool on the titanic is still full...

Let that sink in

Anyone wanna hang out, grab a drink or shoot some pool?

Asking for a friend

I wish I could throw a pool party.

Because that would mean I had a pool and a bunch of friends.

I got banned from the local swimming pool today

They banned me for "peeing in the pool".

I tried defending myself by saying *everybody* pees in the pool, but according to them no one does it from the diving board

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good...

What does a swimming pool and a dead body have in common?

They are both cold when you first get in.

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

I once had a job cleaning other people's pools...

It started off swimmingly, but soon it got to be too draining.

"Sir, you'll need to leave, you can't pee in the pool."

"But everyone pees in the pool!"

"Yes, but not from the diving board."

I told the architect that the pool should be 6 feet deep

But he was working in metric and just couldn't fathom it

Swimming pool

I was at a pool once, and the life guard yelled over to me, “HEY KID! QUIT PEEING IN THE POOL!”

I replied “Oh come on man. Everyone pees in the pool!”

“Yes, but not from the high dive!”

I love "technically true" jokes, like:

If everybody in the world held hands around the equator, most of them would drown.

Or

Did you know that after all these years, the swimming pool on Titanic is still filled with water?

Or

There are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.

What else ...

My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.

When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, be...

What do you get when you throw an elephant in the pool?

Wet.

What do you get when you throw two elephants in the pool?

Swimming trunks.

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

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Crocodile.

A multi-millionaire, living in Australia, decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors... He also invited Brian, the only native Australian in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool, in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time, drinking, ...

What game do Anti-Vaxxer's kids play in the pool?

Marco Polio

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A pool table.

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A man walks into a bar with his monkey....

"Hey, you can't bring a monkey into my bar!" yells the barman.

"Ah, but he's trained and won't be a problem" replies man.

"Okay, but any funny stuff and you'll have to leave....what'll it be?" relents the barman.

"Just a beer would be great, thanks"

As the barman is pouri...

What do you call a swimming pool with 4 men in it?

8 ball pool.

What do anti-vaxx children play in the pool?

Marco-Polio

My local Swimming Pool is using a special chemical that will turn the entire Pool red if someone peed in it.

They're lieing it never works.

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A husband on a work trip when decides to call his wife at home...

A woman the husband doesn't recognize picks up the phone.

"Who is this?" asks the husband.

"I'm the maid. I was hired yesterday," says the maid.

"Ah. Could you put my wife on the phone?" asks the husband

"No, she's busy having sex with someone in the room upstairs," repli...

A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I wasn’t suited to be a tailor.

The muffler factory was just exhausting.

I couldn’t cut it as a barber.

I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance...

What do you call a group of terrorists in a pool?

A bath bomb!!!

A man was away on a business trip, and decided to call his wife and to let her know he had arrived safely

A little girl picks up the phone. "Hello?"

"Hi, Honey. This is Daddy, is mommy near the phone?" Daddy asks

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says "But, honey, you haven't got an uncle Paul."

"Oh, yes I do, and he's upst...

Once I got kicked out of the public pool.

I told the lifeguard “But everyone pees in the pool!”

He said, “Yeah, but not from the high-dive.”

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A group of friends encountered a swimming pool

Upon approaching a genie popped up and told them it was a magic pool. "Just jump in and mid-jump ask what you would like the water to turn into".

The first friend ran up to the pool, took a leap, yelled "BEER!" and what would you know? He landed in a pool full of beer!

After he got out...

I’ve always wanted a swimmers body so I go to the swimming pool everyday...

But no one ever drowns

My friend really wanted a swimming pool

He’s asking us for donations to help achieve his dream.

So I gave him a bottle of water.

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Girl in a super market says to a guy.

Girl: Hi there:

Guy: Do I know you?

Girl: I think you're the Father of one of my Kids:

Guy: are you the stripper that I made love to on the pool table while all my buddies were watching?

Girl: No I'm your Sons Kindergarten Teacher.

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddi...

One day, a husband telephones his wife, but his daughter answers.

"Hello!"

"Hey honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?"

"No daddy, she's upstairs jn the bedroom with uncle Jake."

"But you don't have an uncle Jake, sweetie..."

"Uh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with mommy right now."

"Ok honey, I need you to go...

Two sociologists are sitting by the pool

One turns to the other and asks; "Have you read Marx?"
To which he replies;
"Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."

Did you hear about Bruce Banner losing his temper at the Avengers' pool party?

He made a Hulk Splash

What do you call someone that got rich playing pool?

A billiardnaire.

My local public swimming pool had a big sign on the wall.

It said: “Welcome To Our OOL. Notice there no ‘P’ in it? Let’s keep it that way.”

I always thought it was a pity that they never had a sign that said “Welcome To Our L …”

A politician dies...

...and ends up at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at him and finds his name in his book.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes. Is there a problem?"

"Oh no, there is no problem. But we have a policy for people in your profession, you have to spend a day each in heaven and he...

Why did the kid with thick glasses go to the public swimming pool?

He wanted to get adult super vision.

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A guy dials his home phone number from work.

A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with ...

Two crazy people are by the pool in an asylum...

One of them falls in, the other quickly jumps in and saves him.

The doctor later meets the saviour and says "we've assessed your situation and believe you're qualified to leave the asylum based on your rational deeds. However I regret to inform you that the man you saved hung himself in the s...

Two friends pooled money to buy an instrument

They're now in a same-sax relationship

I took my kids to the local pool the other day..

We were down the shallow end when I had the sudden urge to pee. I slowly and inconspicuously made my way up to the deep end to relieve myself. As I'm about halfway through the lifeguard noticed what I was doing. He blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in.

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My sex life is like a game of pool.

Or at least like the 2 blue ball.

Jimmy Hendrix died in a pool of his own vomit

Do you guys know how much vomit it takes to fill up a pool?

(*Bill Hicks?)

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband.

"I think there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I 'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Wher...

Why were the elephants kicked out of the public pool?

They kept dropping their trunks.

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?

Bob

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The swimming pool

I was at the local swimming pool today and decided to have a sneaky piss in the deep end.

The lifeguard must have noticed.

He blew the whistle so fucking loud I nearly fell in!

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Three young men were by a small secluded pool at a resort...

...when one of the young men put his hand in the water to test its temperature. Suddenly appeared a Genie who said: "I am the Genie of the pool, go to the diving board, say something you want and dive into the pool, it'll then turn into what you said".

The first young man went on the diving b...

Baby, are you a pool?

Because damn you're so shallow!

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I was desperate for a piss at the pool....

I was at the swimming pool last week, and you know when you're absolutely bursting for a piss but the toilets are way over there?

I thought: "weeelllll..... everyone else does it..."

So I decided just to let one slip out in the pool.

The lifeguard must have spotted me though. He...

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the livin...

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable

The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.

Security Guard : "I'm sorry ma'am.But due to covid regulations, swimming in the hotel pool is prohibited"

Woman : " You could have warned me before I removed the clothes"

Security guard :" Well, there is no prohibition about that".

A woman approached me at the swimming pool.

She said she could see a bulge in my swim shorts.

I was very flattered.

So I looked down at my crotch, and she said, "The other side."

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Fishing or Sex?

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.

The first guy says:

"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

The second g...

I got kicked out of the swimming pool today.

Apparently the breast stroke isn’t what I thought it was.

CLEAN THE POOL!

My wife’s been bugging me to vacuum the pool for months.

I tried telling her “If the water’s healthy enough for those tadpoles, it’s good enough for the kids”.

I think she’s being a little too bossy.

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A man is walking through the grocery store, when a woman stops him and says

"I think you're the father of one of my kids!"

The guy stops for a moment. Then he snaps his fingers and points at her. "Wait! Aren't you that stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, while all my buddies watched, and your sidekick was spanking my ass with wet ce...

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My cat fell in the pool..

My cat fell in the pool and the chicken standing next to the pool started laughing.

Moral of the story: Wet pussy makes cock feel good.

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Had a wank in a pool earlier,

call it a gene pool.

At the swimming pool

A lifeguard reprimand a kid:
- Boy! Stop peeing in the pool!
- But everyone does!
- I know, but not from the diving board!

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A gorilla was strolling through the jungle when he came upon a lion sinking in a pool of quicksand

"Save me, gorilla!" shouted the lion. "Drowning in the quicksand is no way for the king of the jungle to die!"

The gorilla quickly grabbed the lion by the rear and started pounding him in the ass.

When he finished he yanked the lion from the quicksand, tossed him as far as he could, an...

Mr. Green is reading a newspaper by the pool.

A lifeguard walks up and quietly says "Mr. Green there have been some complaints by the other guests."

Mr. Green puts down his paper. "Well I'm sure there isn't much of an issue."

The lifeguard continues, "it appears someone has been peeing in the pool."

"Everyone pees in the po...

I saw someone playing the guitar with a pool stick.

It was acoustic.

Yo momma is so fat ...

She took a jump in the pool, they found water on Mars.

Two pools of vomit walk into a bar...

One goes straight to the bathroom, while the other orders a couple of drinks.

When the first one comes back, he sees his friend staring at the floor with a tear in his eye.

"What's wrong, Spewurt?", he asks.

"Oh it's nothing, Heave." his friend replies. "I was just feeling a bit...

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A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he’s ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he’s surrounded by bloodthirsty savages. And he thinks, “Man, I am totally fucked.”

“No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, “You’re not fucked.”

The voice continues, “Listen to me very carefully. G...

While I was cleaning the pool one hot day...

I overheard my college daughter’s friend:
Your dads hot!
Daughter: really??
I smiled
Friend: I think he’s suffering heat stroke, you should tell him to get in the shade

My brother, my sister, and myself pooled our money together

We treated our dad with this fish therapy where little fish nibble on the dead skin until it is gone.

It was money well spent, because it was much cheaper than a regular funeral.

Cardi B was hosting a private pool party...

With music bumping, and social media blowing up with post about where it was, tons of fans were trying to get in, but bouncers turned them all away unless Cardi B gave approval herself.

As the party reached its peak, screams started coming from the pool and everyone rushed out getting water ...

My friend and I went to shoot some pool, and he said, “Do you wanna break?”

I said, “We just got here. How lazy are you?”

What does a rich mans wife, and a pool have in common?

The pool boys spends the most time maintaining them.

How do you make a pool table laugh?

Tickle it’s balls

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