UPJOKE
londonnorthern irelandscotlandbritish empireedinburghgreat britainglasgowwaleseuropean unionnatoeuropebelfastenglandbritainwelsh language

Uk Jokes

What is great in the US but awful in the UK?

Losing pounds

Court Ruling from the UK

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulati...

I just found out that UK doesn't have a kidney bank

but at least it has a Liverpool

The economy in the UK...

... is getting so dire that the elderly aren't getting to enjoy their retirement.

The BBC interviewed 73 year old Charles from Windsor: "despite having a generous government pension, I've had to start working today."

I love summer in the UK.

My favourite day of the year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church...

Two Jewish friends pass a Catholic Church on which a large poster addresses non-Catholics: "Come to us, accept Catholicism, and you instantly get $30,000 in cash!" While walking away, the two friends become engaged in a debate about whether the offer is meant seriously. A week later the two friends ...

In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators

Because we’re raised differently.

(Moose Allain)

Tomorrow’s date will be 11/11

Unless you’re from the UK, in which case it’ll be 11/11

In a speech two days ago, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she plans to delay Brexit, in the hopes that the UK leaves with her deal on 22 May

May wants to leave at the end of May.

In the UK most people complain about the bad weather...

In the UK most people complain about the bad weather, but Queen Elizabeth managed to get through 70 years and 214 days of continuous reign.

There's a big difference between a bee from the UK and a bee from the US.

A UK bee carries pollen, a US bee carries data

I'm surprised that the UK left the EU by voting.

Most of the time they leave on penalty kicks.

UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.

They are treating the offence as race related.

Now the UK is out of the EU we can ban pre-shredded cheese.

Make Britain grate again.

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trial in UK

A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more. She filed a court case on hi...

Looks like the UK didn't read the fine print when cutting off ties with the EU...

You Brexit, you bought it.

Internet is Vastly different in UK than the USA

they don't use cookies, they use biscuits.

A Russian spy is in the UK

A Russian spy is in the UK trying to dig up dirt on an MP.

He walks into a pub, sits next to the MP and orders a drink. He tries to start up a conversation but the MP says he knows he's a spy.

"Of course I'm not a spy, I can sing the whole British anthem", he then sings every verse per...

How are dog catchers in the UK paid?

By the pound.

Do you know why everyone in the UK loved the Queen?

Because she ruled.

the difference beetween drinking in the US and the UK.

If you had 3 glasses of wine in the US, some might call you an alcoholic.
If you had 3 glasses of wine in Brittain, you're the designated driver.

A German man was visiting the UK.

A German man was visiting the UK. He asked a local if they knew what the number for the police was. The local said 999. The German man walked away and asked another local for the number. Again, he got the same response. Confused, he complained about how no one knew the police number.

Why can’t the Uk and the USA play chess anymore?

Because one lost its queen and the other lost its two towers

Today in the UK we celebrate the 4th of July.

The day the average IQ of the British Empire jumped 100 points with a single signature.

What does the UK economy and dead pigs have in common?

The Tories love using both for their pump and dump schemes

Why did the Canadian Siamese twins go to the UK on vacation?

So the other one could drive.

A German in a Bar

A German walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender tells him : "20 euros!"

The German is shocked - "20 euros? yesterday it was only 3 euros !"

"Well, today it is 20 euros."

\- "But why 20, damn it?"

Bar tender : "I'll explain it,

\-3 euros is beer,...

(One for those in the UK today) I'm not saying it's hot in my living room...

But two Hobbits just walked in and threw a ring into it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Celibacy or .....

Before being ordained 6 priests had to stand nude with a bell tied to their cocks. Anyone whose bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits & a shaved fanny danced before each one. 1st priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached last p...

If you're in the UK, you go poo in the loo. So what do you do in the bathroom in Miami?

Cocaine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently there's a sperm shortage in the UK

Probably because all the wankers have gone to the petrol station

The wait to see a doctor in the UK is getting so long, many are turning to Casualty instead.

They watch the show hoping someone turns up with the same symptoms as them.

I've just had to turn down a really good job offer, driving thirty world-famous circus clowns around on a UK tour next month.

I don't have a car small enough.

Most successful personal ad in the UK ever

Old, fat, bald, poor man seeks woman. HAVE AIR CON

Turns out there are hundreds of woman in my area who want to meet me right now!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

UK has some weird laws

1. You can join the army at 16. But you can't by call of duty till your 18.
2. You can't vote till your 16 .yet some MPs will Shag you if your under 16.
3. You need parental consent to marry if your under 18. (In England) But can have sex at 16.
4. It is legal to shoot a Scotsman under cer...

Due to recent changes, 50 cent has changed his citizenship to the UK.

After experiencing weight gain, he is being converted to UK currency and will now be known as "50 pounds".

The UK tested switching to the dollar...

Many years ago, England was considering switching the Pound over to the dollar. As a test run to see how it would fare, they made a run of dollar coins that they distributed to the public.

Not wanting to get them confused with the one pound coins, they decided they would change the Queen's fa...

Not all UK politicians will cry tonight

but Theresa May

With the coronation of King Charles, there was discussion about orthographic modernization--shortening spelling of words like "colour" and "labour" but the UK government responded

Never gonna give "u" up

A wife was going to the UK...

Wife: Should I bring you something from there?
Husband: Yeah. I'd like an English girl.

The wife leaves for the UK. After she returns...
Husband: Did you bring me what I asked for?

Wife: Yes. You'll get your English girl in 9 months.

What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'?

One's really heavy, and the other's a little lighter. - [*Masai Graham*](https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-34039927)

UK?

Yeah I'm alright, what about you mate?

The UK just passed a law so that corporations have to post earnings statements in public spaces to be accessible, like in parks, metro stations, high-density residential areas...

And the words of the profits are written on the subway walls and tenement halls.

Did you hear the one about the UK lockdown?

It ended in tiers.

I’d like to wish all mothers a Happy Mother’s Day!

…and make all the Americans panic.

(It’s Mother’s Day in the UK, for those worriedly looking at their calendar.)

You may only get this joke if you live in the UK, so apologies...

Two packets of Crisps leave the cinema, a car pulls up alongside them and the driver offers them a lift, they reply, ‘No thanks, we’re Walkers’.

Which folks in the UK are the most fun to be around?

The Welsh, you always have a Wale of a time visiting

Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?

If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.

Is there a 4th of July in the UK?

Yeah… right after the 3rd of July.

(UK reference) Whats' an aircraft mechanic's favourite Oasis song?

Don't Look Back in Hangar.

Chris Rea's two biggest hits in the UK are 'Driving home for Christmas' and 'Road to Hell'

Which if you have a family like mine, both songs describe the journey.

This was once voted the UK's funniest joke...

A woman and her baby gets on a bus. The driver stops her at the door and says:"you have the ugliest baby I've ever seen!".the woman storms to the back of the bus, fuming. She sits down next to a stranger and says:"that bus driver just insulted me" The stranger then says:" That is absolutely not on!...

what do the UK Prime Minister and the former US president have in common?

One is Boris Johnson, the other is a boorish "johnson"

They should set the next Fast and the Furious in the UK

just so they could call it FatF:UK.

UK comedian Bobby Ball has sadly passed away

David Beckham has been invited to read the eulogy. The family wanted a dead ball specialist

A North American arrives in the UK on vacation and needs directions.

Two plus size women with accents are walking by. The Foreigner says “excuse me. Do you two gals happen to be from England”. One of the women replies “ No idiot. Wales!!!!”

The Foreigner is taken aback. “ I’m sorry, let me start over” he says. “ Excuse me. Do you two whales ha...

UK General Election

In April, May said "June!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Happy Valentines Day From the UK.

Wishing you all a happy Valentines day from the UK.
also lovingly known as Steak and blowjob day.

or
For us Singles
Pornhub & Handjob Day

Police in Wales (UK) publish results of recent 'Anonymous Offensive Weapon Surrender' scheme.

Cardiff Central Library in which the amnesty took place last night, is already being celebrated as a 'Significant victory for the people of Wales, its safety and security going forward' by its Chief of Police.

Among the 200+ weapons collected in the haul comprised of:

120 knives and s...

Following the UK entry's "nul points" in last night's Eurovision song contest

Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman have announced that they are adding £250 to the jackpot.

Boris Johnson announces 'Roadmap out of lockdown' for the UK

Let's hope it's a Google map and not Apple maps then. ;)

Dieting hasnt worked out for me, so Im gambling in the UK

Great way to lose a few pounds.

Imagine if the UK switched from kilograms to pounds overnight

There would be mass confusion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

American Woman on a train in the UK

An American woman boards a train in the UK. She sits down next to an English woman and decides to strike up a conversation with her.

"Hello, Miss. Where are you from?" she asks.

The British woman glares at the American and says, "From a place where we don't end our sentences in preposi...

They say fizzy drinks will soon disappear from the shelves in UK supermarkets thanks to Brexit.

The UK Government should do a trade deal with Mexico, I hear they're really good at getting coke across the border.

Poorly paid UK surgeons

Yesterday I found out that NHS surgeons are so poorly paid that they have to resort to crime.

I saw a sign, it said "Thieves operate in this area."

in the UK when you turn 100 you get a letter from the queen

and when you’re 13 you get a text from prince Andrew

A rich Arabian business man brought all the chip shops in the UK

He was Sultan vinegar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

Recycling in the UK is getting very serious...

Even our immigrants are being shipped in reusable containers.

9/11 wouldn't have happened if it took place in the UK

It would be 11/9.

2018 is shooting past so fast in the UK....

We're mid-way through November, but it feels like the end of May!

UK vs USA

The UK and the US are having a battle to see who can ruin their country the fastest.
We were winning with Brexit but the US had a Trump card.
However Thereisa chance we May yet still win.

The UK is really taking the Paris Climate Agreement seriously.

Yesterday they voted to become Corbyn-neutral by 2020.

Chemistry joke.

A Chinese chemist took part in a chef competition in UK. His English was barely passable during the presentations, but his cooking skills were great, and he went on qualifying. In the last round, he got tied with another contestant for the first place. So an innovative tie-breaker was devised. Each ...

What's the difference between the US and the UK?

In the USA, the husband is glad to see his wife lose a few pounds.

UK PRIME MINISTER:What do we want?

UK GOVERNMENT: BREXIT
UK PRIME MINISTER: When do we want it?
UK GOVERNMENT: NEVER!!!

If Donald Trump becomes president, and Boris Johnson becomes UK's PM...

It'll be like toupees in a pod.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a panicked chicken and the US/UK/Brazil response to Covid?

One's a flustered cluck...

>!The other's a clusterfuck!!<

UK ELECTIONS UPDATE

It's post election fever in the UK.
And the British ladies are more confused than ever!
They are Conservative in the day, Liberal at night and nine months later in Labour😂😂

Conversation between leaders of the UK and Argentina

UK: knock knock.

Argentina: who's there?

UK: Falkland Islands.

Argentina: I don't get it.

UK: And you never will.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

America has Trump, a euphemism in the UK for fart.

The UK has Johnson, a euphemism in America for penis.

Together we have President Fart and Prime Minister Penis.

The UK is the only place

Where it's easier to get a chicken dinner in PUBG than KFC

If anyone in the UK is currently struggling to get hold of some fuel just let me know.

Because my mate Jerry can.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The UK government can go fuck itself.

They'd better not film it, though.

Today Might be July 24th in the UK

But its the last week of May

The UK is officially changing its name in honor of mental health awareness.

The new name being "U.O.K.?"

[OC] How many UK Prime Ministers does it take to change a light bulb?

Who knows, they're never in office long enough to be able to do so.

The leaders of the USA, UK and Germany leaders are on a plane

With their assistants when the pilot gives them a warning about too much weight on the plane and some people would need to jump from the plane to prevent it from fall. The assistants decide to jump to save their countries. First came the German assistant, with a German flag. He screams "FOR GERMANY"...

Remember when the UK was part of the European Union?

I remember it like it was yesterday

The snow in the UK is pretty bad right now

So I thought I’d check on my elderly 85 year old neighbour Valerie to see if she needed anything from the shops.

She said she did so I gave her my list too, no point us both going out in this weather.

Just remember to be nice to all your UK friends tomorrow, reddit....

It's our 9/11.

The 3 main difference between the UK and the USA

In the UK it's football. In the USA it's soccer.
In the UK it's Colour. In the USA it's Color.
In the UK it's School. In the USA it's shooting range.

The UK's response to COVID 19 is fairly confused after tonight's announcement.

We don't know our R's from our elbows

Which dinosaur is the strongest in the UK?

Tea- rex

Yesterday, UK protesters tore down monuments of Boris Johnson and Theresa May

Lawyers assume that they will be charged for a statue-tory crime

What do you do if you can't afford to fly from Germany to the UK?

euro

UK Fire Insurance

A man and his wife moved back home to Cork, from London. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Cork, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the comput...

The people in the UK curse weird

Someone told me to get the fork out of here

As it's national girlfriend day (UK); Here's to our wives and girlfriends.

May they never meet.

(Yes I know this joke is older than Bob Hope)

I run a dating service for lower income areas in The UK

It's how I make ends meet

There was a study on Crows done in the UK....

As we all know, crows are very smart animals. They've learned that if they drop a nut into traffic, cars will run over it and break it open. This is usually performed by 2 crows; one to do the dropping and retrieving, and the second to signal no the first one when traffic is clear and it's safe to g...

At the second annual UK women's rights meeting...

a lady from Birmingham stood up and said,

"Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer cook for my husband. On the first day, I saw nothing. On the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, my husband cooked a wonderful meal, and has continued to cook every night since."

She recieved a g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An UK businessman is in Japan for an important deal

Feeling stressed out, he goes to a brothel and finds a young girl. Although shy at first, soon she starts moaning and panting, and keeps on screaming "Soko janai! Soko janai!". While he couldn't understand Japanese, the man is glad to know that he managed to please her so much.


The next d...

What was the UK when they signed the Oregon Treaty?

An Oregon donor

Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US?

The keyboard adds an extra pound.

What’s a question you can ask a fat hooker in both the USA and UK?

“How many pounds are you?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking news: £500,000 worth of red bull stolen in The UK

How do those bastards sleep at night?

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.