Why didn't Trump buy anything when he went to the UK?

He only had one Pence

UK is a very generous country

It is the largest supplier of Independence day to countries around the world.

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A trial in UK

A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more. She filed a court case on hi...

Court Ruling from the UK

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should’ve custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulation...

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Happy Thursday of lockdown UK

Thursday... First day...

Ahh fuck it.

Being from the UK, I see the US election is a bit like baseball.

Lots of adults inexplicably wearing caps and I have no idea who is winning or what the rules are!

An English cat named ABC challenges a French cat named 123 to a swim across the English Channel, from the UK to France. They both swim hard, but only the English cat makes it. What happened to the other cat?

Well, un deux trois quatre cinq.

in the UK when you turn 100 you get a letter from the queen

and when you’re 13 you get a text from prince Andrew

UK comedian Bobby Ball has sadly passed away

David Beckham has been invited to read the eulogy. The family wanted a dead ball specialist

Dieting hasnt worked out for me, so Im gambling in the UK

Great way to lose a few pounds.

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In business news, the makers of "Utterly Butterly" have been knocked off their top spot as the UK's leading brand of dairy spread.

I can't believe they're not bitter.

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a...

So the UK has introduced the “rule of 6” for social groups...

Now if you attempt to add another party member they will be sent to the PC.

If you're in the UK, you go poo in the loo. So what do you do in the bathroom in Miami?

Cocaine

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Playgrounds in the UK have been fitted with advanced paedophile detection systems to help protect children

The company behind the technology has called it NonceSense™

The UK Prime Minister just announced her resignation.

This is not surprising. It is the end of May, after all.

Driving be like:

UK: Drive to the left

US: Drive to the right

India: Criss Cross

If this doesn't make you groan I don't know what will...

With 2nd lockdown looming in the UK, I saw a man with 4 cases of San Miguel, 5 paellas and 7 sombreros, I think Hispanic buying

How do England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland greet eachother?

UK ?

The UK is officially changing its name in honor of mental health awareness.

The new name being "U.O.K.?"

Yesterday, UK protesters tore down monuments of Boris Johnson and Theresa May

Lawyers assume that they will be charged for a statue-tory crime

The UK tested switching to the dollar...

Many years ago, England was considering switching the Pound over to the dollar. As a test run to see how it would fare, they made a run of dollar coins that they distributed to the public.

Not wanting to get them confused with the one pound coins, they decided they would change the Queen's fa...

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What do you call it when Neil Buchanan assaults a sex worker?

Tart Attack.

(One for those UK readers out there)

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UK has some weird laws

1. You can join the army at 16. But you can't by call of duty till your 18.
2. You can't vote till your 16 .yet some MPs will Shag you if your under 16.
3. You need parental consent to marry if your under 18. (In England) But can have sex at 16.
4. It is legal to shoot a Scotsman under cer...

I'm not voting for Trump nor Biden this election

I live in the UK

The UK's response to COVID 19 is fairly confused after tonight's announcement.

We don't know our R's from our elbows

UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.

They are treating the offence as race related.

Despite tonight's advice from the UK government, pub chain Wetherspoons will remain open for a further THREE WEEKS!

They won't be serving anything, it's just to give people who went to the toilets a chance to leave before they lock up.

Did you hear about the bank robbers who managed to evade the police but lost one of their associates from the northern UK?

They got away scot-free

What’s a question you can ask a fat hooker in both the USA and UK?

“How many pounds are you?”

Why was it obvious that a double amputee was the last one to exit a UK pub?

He was legless

The UK is really taking the Paris Climate Agreement seriously.

Yesterday they voted to become Corbyn-neutral by 2020.

My brother heard they call their mother some other name in the UK. He really wants to know what it is, but I’m not telling him to annoy him.

Mum’s the word.

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A Happy Valentines Day From the UK.

Wishing you all a happy Valentines day from the UK.
also lovingly known as Steak and blowjob day.

or
For us Singles
Pornhub & Handjob Day

Remember when the UK was part of the European Union?

I remember it like it was yesterday

Today is Boxing Day in the UK, Canada, New Zealand, and Australia. Do you know when Boxing Day is celebrated in the United States?

Black Friday

The UK C.E.O of McDonald's has been fired

Putting his meat between the wrong buns apparently

Recycling in the UK is getting very serious...

Even our immigrants are being shipped in reusable containers.

[OC] How many UK Prime Ministers does it take to change a light bulb?

Who knows, they're never in office long enough to be able to do so.

I’ve just been out to the shop to buy 25 sandwiches for all my colleagues in the office

I kept them all in separate bags though - didn’t want to put all my Greggs in the same basket

What did the stranger say to the injured British man?

UK man??

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America has Trump, a euphemism in the UK for fart.

The UK has Johnson, a euphemism in America for penis.

Together we have President Fart and Prime Minister Penis.

It's good that it's called 'public health England' (PHE)

Because 'public health Uk' wouldn't work so well

The UK should ban pre-shredded cheese

Make Britain grate again

Conversation between leaders of the UK and Argentina

UK: knock knock.

Argentina: who's there?

UK: Falkland Islands.

Argentina: I don't get it.

UK: And you never will.

The Labour party were winning the UK election on Thursday..

until work finished at 5 and everyone voted conservative.

I run a dating service for lower income areas in The UK

It's how I make ends meet

As it's national girlfriend day (UK); Here's to our wives and girlfriends.

May they never meet.

(Yes I know this joke is older than Bob Hope)

Scientology is officially recognised as a religion in the UK, rather than just a cult. A cult being a group who believe in bizarre theories and superstitions, practice daft rituals and accept ridiculous restrictions on their behaviour.

Whereas a religion…….

In the rest of the world it’s the end of May, but in the UK it’s looking like

Ah wait no this doesn’t work any more

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The UK Priminister, Boris Johnson's

surname is common slang for penis.

So it shouldn't really come as a surprise his time in office looks to be short and a disappointment

In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators

Because we’re raised differently.

(Moose Allain)

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

Despite Brexit, English is set to become the EU official language...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union, given its majority status in the EU, despite the UK leaving.

As part of the final Brexit negotiations, Germany proposed a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known ...

I love summer in the UK.

My favourite day of the year.

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If planet Earth was a human body, the UK would be the colon because everything it touches turns to shit.

That's why it's called Colonization.

Just watched the news and a guy in the UK proposed to his wife with the ring on the udder of a cow.

How dairy.

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A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US?

The keyboard adds an extra pound.

The UK Government has decided to make LSD legal as a drug for weight loss

It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...

2018 is shooting past so fast in the UK....

We're mid-way through November, but it feels like the end of May!

A North American arrives in the UK on vacation and needs directions.

Two plus size women with accents are walking by. The Foreigner says “excuse me. Do you two gals happen to be from England”. One of the women replies “ No idiot. Wales!!!!”

The Foreigner is taken aback. “ I’m sorry, let me start over” he says. “ Excuse me. Do you two whales ha...

UK PRIME MINISTER:What do we want?

UK GOVERNMENT: BREXIT
UK PRIME MINISTER: When do we want it?
UK GOVERNMENT: NEVER!!!

Today Might be July 24th in the UK

But its the last week of May

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American Woman on a train in the UK

An American woman boards a train in the UK. She sits down next to an English woman and decides to strike up a conversation with her.

"Hello, Miss. Where are you from?" she asks.

The British woman glares at the American and says, "From a place where we don't end our sentences in preposi...

Just remember to be nice to all your UK friends tomorrow, reddit....

It's our 9/11.

What's the difference between the US and the UK?

In the USA, the husband is glad to see his wife lose a few pounds.

A wife was going to the UK...

Wife: Should I bring you something from there?
Husband: Yeah. I'd like an English girl.

The wife leaves for the UK. After she returns...
Husband: Did you bring me what I asked for?

Wife: Yes. You'll get your English girl in 9 months.

Imagine if the UK switched from kilograms to pounds overnight

There would be mass confusion

The leaders of the USA, UK and Germany leaders are on a plane

With their assistants when the pilot gives them a warning about too much weight on the plane and some people would need to jump from the plane to prevent it from fall. The assistants decide to jump to save their countries. First came the German assistant, with a German flag. He screams "FOR GERMANY"...

In a speech two days ago, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she plans to delay Brexit, in the hopes that the UK leaves with her deal on 22 May

May wants to leave at the end of May.

I visited the UK recently and saw a hotel listing for 2000 pounds.

That's a ton of money

The 3 main difference between the UK and the USA

In the UK it's football. In the USA it's soccer.
In the UK it's Colour. In the USA it's Color.
In the UK it's School. In the USA it's shooting range.

If the UK leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1 GB

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Breaking news: £500,000 worth of red bull stolen in The UK

How do those bastards sleep at night?

1978: UK's prince marries, Liverpool wins the Champions League, the Pope dies.

2005: UK's prince marries, Liverpool wins the Champions League, the Pope dies.

2018: UK's prince marries, Liverpool is in the Champions League final, and the Pope is cheering for Real Madrid like a madman.

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[NSFW] Being from the UK, my wife and I were discussing the withdrawal agreement last night.

We both agreed, she'll have it on her tits.

What's the difference between the UK and a Roast Dinner

The roast is better off without Brussels.

Russian, American and UK special forces were assigned for a contest in the Sahara to bring one Camel to QH.

First the American Navy Seals, they sneak into the desert and after 3 hours they come back with a camel.
The UK SAS dispatch in the scorching desert, after 12 hours they brought a camel.
Russian elite Spetsnaz showing no emotions run into the desert. After 18 hours they came back, and they...

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An UK businessman is in Japan for an important deal

Feeling stressed out, he goes to a brothel and finds a young girl. Although shy at first, soon she starts moaning and panting, and keeps on screaming "Soko janai! Soko janai!". While he couldn't understand Japanese, the man is glad to know that he managed to please her so much.


The next d...

I just found out that UK doesn't have a kidney bank

but at least it has a Liverpool

You see each country has its own currency

In the US they have the dollar

In the UK they have the pound

In the EU they have the euro

In Australia they have toilet paper

Demographers estimate that the Jagger Tipping Point, the moment when a majority of the UK population are direct descendants of Mick Jagger, will likely occur around the year 2300.

I wonder how weird that will feel to Keith Richards.

There was a study on Crows done in the UK....

As we all know, crows are very smart animals. They've learned that if they drop a nut into traffic, cars will run over it and break it open. This is usually performed by 2 crows; one to do the dropping and retrieving, and the second to signal no the first one when traffic is clear and it's safe to g...

How many UK member of parliment does it take to screw a lightbulb?

1, maybe. Or even 2. Or is it better to use 5 fingers? Or do we use 2 hands? Does the socket even fit? Do we even need a lighbulb?
We just cant agree!! Lets just screw it.
Wait what was the question again?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Calling the UK house of commons "The Chamber" makes it sound like a fucking torture room.

Which it kind of is I guess.

Turkey can now finally join the EU

Why? Well because now that the UK has left, there's 1 GB of free space

Which dinosaur is the strongest in the UK?

Tea- rex

Do you want to lose weight?

Go to a casino in the UK. You'll lose pounds by the minute.

Today in the UK we celebrate the 4th of July.

The day the average IQ of the British Empire jumped 100 points with a single signature.

Poorly paid UK surgeons

Yesterday I found out that NHS surgeons are so poorly paid that they have to resort to crime.

I saw a sign, it said "Thieves operate in this area."

Brit: Why is it ‘cancelled’ in the UK but ‘canceled’ in America?

Murican: Coz we gave you that L in 1776

To prepare for her UK vacation, the blonde went on a high-calorie weight gain diet.

She'd heard she could pay for things there in pounds.

The snow in the UK is pretty bad right now

So I thought I’d check on my elderly 85 year old neighbour Valerie to see if she needed anything from the shops.

She said she did so I gave her my list too, no point us both going out in this weather.

The UK is the only place

Where it's easier to get a chicken dinner in PUBG than KFC

UK politician Boris Johnson has promised to lie in front of bulldozers clearing a path for the 3rd Heathrow runway.

This should be no problem for him as he has already had plenty of practice lying in front of a bus!

(Credits to /u/canalavity and /u/chrisjd)

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Celibacy or .....

Before being ordained 6 priests had to stand nude with a bell tied to their cocks. Anyone whose bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits & a shaved fanny danced before each one. 1st priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached last p...

Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?

If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.

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In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.

Proud of actually making my own joke for once (even if only makes me and my husband laugh...)

What's the difference between Prince Harry and Scotland?

Prince Harry was given permission to leave the UK ;)

UK?

Yeah I'm alright, what about you mate?

What dish would you cook to ensnare a member of the UK Conservative Party?

Chicken Cacciatore.

What do you call a war between india and the UK?

The empire strikes back.

An African kid moves to the UK

A kid from South Africa moves to the UK and goes to his new school. During the first lesson, his teacher realises he doesn't know English very well so she tells him for his first homework to go to 3 places in England and to get a word from each place and learn it. Understanding this, the kid goes aw...

If Donald Trump becomes president, and Boris Johnson becomes UK's PM...

It'll be like toupees in a pod.

The people in the UK curse weird

Someone told me to get the fork out of here

BREAKING: Tiger kills worker in an enclosure at UK zoo park

Man he took that DUI hard

Apparently there is a flesh eating STD just discovered in the UK; however, it already exist in Russia, it’s called

Rotchakokof

What do you call a cross dresser who's job is to travel from the UK to the US?

Transatlantic

A new £1 coin is being released in the UK today...

...I don't like change.

This was once voted the UK's funniest joke...

A woman and her baby gets on a bus. The driver stops her at the door and says:"you have the ugliest baby I've ever seen!".the woman storms to the back of the bus, fuming. She sits down next to a stranger and says:"that bus driver just insulted me" The stranger then says:" That is absolutely not on!...

UK General Election

In April, May said "June!"

Mum makes thousands selling her breastmilk to men: UK News

Apparently, her business has least churn rate.

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