The UK Prime Minister just announced her resignation.

This is not surprising. It is the end of May, after all.

The UK should ban pre-shredded cheese

Make Britain grate again

The UK C.E.O of McDonald's has been fired

Putting his meat between the wrong buns apparently

I run a dating service for lower income areas in The UK

It's how I make ends meet

Recycling in the UK is getting very serious...

Even our immigrants are being shipped in reusable containers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

Conversation between leaders of the UK and Argentina

UK: knock knock.

Argentina: who's there?

UK: Falkland Islands.

Argentina: I don't get it.

UK: And you never will.

[OC] How many UK Prime Ministers does it take to change a light bulb?

Who knows, they're never in office long enough to be able to do so.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

America has Trump, a euphemism in the UK for fart.

The UK has Johnson, a euphemism in America for penis.

Together we have President Fart and Prime Minister Penis.

Scientology is officially recognised as a religion in the UK, rather than just a cult. A cult being a group who believe in bizarre theories and superstitions, practice daft rituals and accept ridiculous restrictions on their behaviour.

Whereas a religion…….

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Paddy is on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire "

and he is doing rather well. He is at the final question for a million pounds with Chris Tarrant (The UK host), he has only one life line left....phone a friend.

The question comes: "Which bird does not make a nest?,:

A) a Sparrow, B) a Swallow, C) a Blackbird or D) a Cuckoo

Pad...

As it's national girlfriend day (UK); Here's to our wives and girlfriends.

May they never meet.

(Yes I know this joke is older than Bob Hope)

What do the UK and Disney have in common?

They're both ditching the EU

Just watched the news and a guy in the UK proposed to his wife with the ring on the udder of a cow.

How dairy.

Always remember to brush your teeth everybody

Wait this is the UK

Today Might be July 24th in the UK

But its the last week of May

UK PRIME MINISTER:What do we want?

UK GOVERNMENT: BREXIT
UK PRIME MINISTER: When do we want it?
UK GOVERNMENT: NEVER!!!

In the rest of the world it’s the end of May, but in the UK it’s looking like

Ah wait no this doesn’t work any more

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If planet Earth was a human body, the UK would be the colon because everything it touches turns to shit.

That's why it's called Colonization.

In 1964, a couple of former St. Louis Cardinals baseball stars were on vacation in Wales....

Red Schoendienst and Stan Musial decided to head to the UK on vacation with their wives after the 1964 Major League Baseball season. The two had retired as players the year before and had just finished their first full season as members of the staff - Musial as vice president, Schoendienst as a coa...

Did you hear the one about the guy who took his fishing rod to Burger King?

He caught a Whopper.

(I'm hoping that this translates well to cultures outside of the UK - apologies if it doesn't)

What is great in the US but awful in the UK?

Losing pounds

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Diary of an Englishman after he moves to South Africa....

**August 1**: Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Phalaborwa, Limpopo, South Africa. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally fo...

Since the UK were leaving the EU, the European Commission decided on having English remain as the main language, instead of German

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants j...

Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US?

The keyboard adds an extra pound.

Boris finds a gold fish...

"Hello Boris," says the gold fish "I will grant you three wishes". Excited brexeter says "I really like Donald Trump. Can I have a road running through the UK to America?", The goldfish laughs and tells him that bulding such thing on water is impossible! "Another wish, Boris" slightly annoyed Boris ...

What was the UK when they signed the Oregon Treaty?

An Oregon donor

In a speech two days ago, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she plans to delay Brexit, in the hopes that the UK leaves with her deal on 22 May

May wants to leave at the end of May.

90s Boygroup Songs are a Perfect Fit to the current UK Relationship with Europe...

Tell me why

Ain't nothin' but a heartache

Tell me why

Ain't nothin' but a mistake

Tell me why

I never want to hear you say

I want Brexit that way

What's the difference between the UK and a Roast Dinner

The roast is better off without Brussels.

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American Woman on a train in the UK

An American woman boards a train in the UK. She sits down next to an English woman and decides to strike up a conversation with her.

"Hello, Miss. Where are you from?" she asks.

The British woman glares at the American and says, "From a place where we don't end our sentences in preposi...

Demographers estimate that the Jagger Tipping Point, the moment when a majority of the UK population are direct descendants of Mick Jagger, will likely occur around the year 2300.

I wonder how weird that will feel to Keith Richards.

2018 is shooting past so fast in the UK....

We're mid-way through November, but it feels like the end of May!

If the UK leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1 GB

What's the difference between the US and the UK?

In the USA, the husband is glad to see his wife lose a few pounds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Being from the UK, my wife and I were discussing the withdrawal agreement last night.

We both agreed, she'll have it on her tits.

Just remember to be nice to all your UK friends tomorrow, reddit....

It's our 9/11.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Calling the UK house of commons "The Chamber" makes it sound like a fucking torture room.

Which it kind of is I guess.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An UK businessman is in Japan for an important deal

Feeling stressed out, he goes to a brothel and finds a young girl. Although shy at first, soon she starts moaning and panting, and keeps on screaming "Soko janai! Soko janai!". While he couldn't understand Japanese, the man is glad to know that he managed to please her so much.


The next d...

I visited the UK recently and saw a hotel listing for 2000 pounds.

That's a ton of money

I founded John Lennon Television, and now we’re the second biggest subscription TV service in the UK.

Above us, only Sky.

The 3 main difference between the UK and the USA

In the UK it's football. In the USA it's soccer.
In the UK it's Colour. In the USA it's Color.
In the UK it's School. In the USA it's shooting range.

In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators

Because we’re raised differently.

(Moose Allain)

A North American arrives in the UK on vacation and needs directions.

Two plus size women with accents are walking by. The Foreigner says “excuse me. Do you two gals happen to be from England”. One of the women replies “ No idiot. Wales!!!!”

The Foreigner is taken aback. “ I’m sorry, let me start over” he says. “ Excuse me. Do you two whales ha...

Poorly paid UK surgeons

Yesterday I found out that NHS surgeons are so poorly paid that they have to resort to crime.

I saw a sign, it said "Thieves operate in this area."

I shouldn't have committed crime in UK

Life is upside down now

Imagine if the UK switched from kilograms to pounds overnight

There would be mass confusion

Which is correct: “I can write with both of my arms,” or “I can write with all of my arms.”?

It depends where you are. In the UK, for example, you would use “both,” while in Chernobyl, you would use “all.”

A wife was going to the UK...

Wife: Should I bring you something from there?
Husband: Yeah. I'd like an English girl.

The wife leaves for the UK. After she returns...
Husband: Did you bring me what I asked for?

Wife: Yes. You'll get your English girl in 9 months.

USA: "Trump won the presidency!"

UK: "Hold my tea."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking news: £500,000 worth of red bull stolen in The UK

How do those bastards sleep at night?

To prepare for her UK vacation, the blonde went on a high-calorie weight gain diet.

She'd heard she could pay for things there in pounds.

I love summer in the UK.

My favourite day of the year.

I just found out that UK doesn't have a kidney bank

but at least it has a Liverpool

The leaders of the USA, UK and Germany leaders are on a plane

With their assistants when the pilot gives them a warning about too much weight on the plane and some people would need to jump from the plane to prevent it from fall. The assistants decide to jump to save their countries. First came the German assistant, with a German flag. He screams "FOR GERMANY"...

Why is it spelled “cancelled” in the UK, but “canceled” in the US?

Because the US handed the L back to the UK in 1776.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.

1978: UK's prince marries, Liverpool wins the Champions League, the Pope dies.

2005: UK's prince marries, Liverpool wins the Champions League, the Pope dies.

2018: UK's prince marries, Liverpool is in the Champions League final, and the Pope is cheering for Real Madrid like a madman.

There was a study on Crows done in the UK....

As we all know, crows are very smart animals. They've learned that if they drop a nut into traffic, cars will run over it and break it open. This is usually performed by 2 crows; one to do the dropping and retrieving, and the second to signal no the first one when traffic is clear and it's safe to g...

The UK Government has decided to make LSD legal as a drug for weight loss

It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...

What dish would you cook to ensnare a member of the UK Conservative Party?

Chicken Cacciatore.

A Hot Thai Nurse

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service in the UK, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.


As usual he was asked to...

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

UK politician Boris Johnson has promised to lie in front of bulldozers clearing a path for the 3rd Heathrow runway.

This should be no problem for him as he has already had plenty of practice lying in front of a bus!

(Credits to /u/canalavity and /u/chrisjd)

The snow in the UK is pretty bad right now

So I thought I’d check on my elderly 85 year old neighbour Valerie to see if she needed anything from the shops.

She said she did so I gave her my list too, no point us both going out in this weather.

Apparently there is a flesh eating STD just discovered in the UK; however, it already exist in Russia, it’s called

Rotchakokof

114 years ago, France and the UK signed the Entente Cordiale...

...which many considered to be just a watered down version of the Entente Jus D'Orange

The UK is the only place

Where it's easier to get a chicken dinner in PUBG than KFC

Have you ever found yourself staring at a deadline, with no real work done, and then going to your teacher to beg for an extention?

Well then you know how UK feels

Today in the UK we celebrate the 4th of July.

The day the average IQ of the British Empire jumped 100 points with a single signature.

The people in the UK curse weird

Someone told me to get the fork out of here

What do you call a cross dresser who's job is to travel from the UK to the US?

Transatlantic

Court Ruling from the UK

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulati...

UK?

Yeah I'm alright, what about you mate?

Mum makes thousands selling her breastmilk to men: UK News

Apparently, her business has least churn rate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Celibacy or .....

Before being ordained 6 priests had to stand nude with a bell tied to their cocks. Anyone whose bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits & a shaved fanny danced before each one. 1st priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached last p...

The year is 2161....

...and the Earth has just joined United Federation of Planets....

Without UK.
Which is still trying to exit EU.

Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?

If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.

Over half of UK KFC stores have closed down after switching chicken suppliers.

It was an original recipe for disaster.

Theresa May to put a cap on immigrants coming into the UK. I think this is unfair...

They should be allowed to wear what they like.

An African kid moves to the UK

A kid from South Africa moves to the UK and goes to his new school. During the first lesson, his teacher realises he doesn't know English very well so she tells him for his first homework to go to 3 places in England and to get a word from each place and learn it. Understanding this, the kid goes aw...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russian guys buys a car, curtains, and a bed

A russian guy always dreamed of living in The UK, but he had a one problem.. he couldn't say a word in english.. so as a genius he was he decided that he will go to the shops, he will listen to people calling and naming certain things and he'll call'em same. So at the car shop he buys a car and he...

What do you call a war between india and the UK?

The empire strikes back.

BREAKING: Tiger kills worker in an enclosure at UK zoo park

Man he took that DUI hard

My American friend came over to the uk to see me.

After his first day out he said to me “I was really nice and held elevator doors open for a spastic today”.

I very quickly told him that this kind of language would not fly in the u.k. – we call them lifts…

What country gets the exact same rain that falls on England?

Uk-raine

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

today in the UK the MET office issued a yellow weather warning for impending snow...

... really just taking the piss there aren't they.

In the UK, United States Vice President’s opinion isn’t worth much

It’s only a pence.

The NHS has just revealed a list of long-term side effects of vaccines!

- Old age
- Grey hair
- General decrease of diseases

A new £1 coin is being released in the UK today...

...I don't like change.

UK General Election

In April, May said "June!"

Don’t say coffee is better than tea in the UK

You might get mugged

If Donald Trump becomes president, and Boris Johnson becomes UK's PM...

It'll be like toupees in a pod.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane was travelling from America to the UK

A plane was travelling from America to the UK when, about 15 minutes into the journey, there is a slight rumble, a slight whine followed by the pilots voice over the PA system.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I would like to inform you that one of our engines has stopped...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The UK government can go fuck itself.

They'd better not film it, though.

I hear Scotland is trying to leave the UK again...

Well if at first you don't secede, try try again.

Everyone thought the UK made the stupidest decision of 2016

Sure showed them

TIL that someone in the UK gets stabbed every 52 seconds

Poor guy.

This was once voted the UK's funniest joke...

A woman and her baby gets on a bus. The driver stops her at the door and says:"you have the ugliest baby I've ever seen!".the woman storms to the back of the bus, fuming. She sits down next to a stranger and says:"that bus driver just insulted me" The stranger then says:" That is absolutely not on!...

found while browsing Quora

Donald Trump, Theresa May, and Angela Merkel are walking outside after a particularly stressful diplomatic meeting.

As they walk in silence, one of them stumbles on a small rock - but when they investigate, they find it is not a rock at all, but an antique oil lamp.

“Maybe there's a ge...

Trump wants to visit UK in show of 'solidarity'

Haven't we suffered enough already?

There's a reason they call it "March Madness".

A Duke fan, a Kentucky fan, and a Tennessee fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their team the most.

The Tennessee fan insists that he is the most loyal and then yells “This is for the Vols!” and jumps off the mountain.

Not to be outdone, the UK fan next professes h...

With the current outlook on UK exit polls...

It looks like june is the end of May

UK and USA are in a contest to destroy themselves.

The UK edged ahead with Brexit, but the US just played their trump card.

Why is Trump so keen to stay with the queen in the UK?

He heard she has golden bathrooms and can't wait to try out the showers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This may be why Teachers retire early or turn to drinking: the following questions were in a (UK) GED (grade 12 equivalent) examination (they are genuine answers):

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. In a democratic society, how impor...

A Christmas Myth

After learning about different ways to celebrate Christmas, the children were eager to learn more about the subject. Knowing that one of the teachers at their school was from the UK and maybe had an angel on top of the tree instead of the classic star, they went to ask him about it.

It's a lo...

UK ELECTIONS UPDATE

It's post election fever in the UK.
And the British ladies are more confused than ever!
They are Conservative in the day, Liberal at night and nine months later in Labour😂😂

To celebrate the new year, the UK set off tonnes of fireworks in London. GF: this is such a waste of money. There are homeless people and people starving, and the government pay for this!

Me: yes, but blowing them up would be wrong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] what do you call a Uk police woman with a shaved pussy?

Cuntstubble

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Japanese Toilet

I'm from the UK. My best mate from uni moved to Japan a few years ago for work, he's settled down there and married a nice Japanese girl. Whenever he's been back over, he's always invited me to come and visit them, and this year I finally had the chance.

The flight over was great, the ride fr...

I'm surprised that the UK left the EU by voting.

Most of the time they leave on penalty kicks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a guy with dyslexia I'm pretty scared...

A friend just told me the cocks go black in the UK tonight.

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