Just watched the news and a guy in the UK proposed to his wife with the ring on the udder of a cow.

How dairy.

The UK Prime Minister just announced her resignation.

This is not surprising. It is the end of May, after all.

As it's national girlfriend day (UK); Here's to our wives and girlfriends.

May they never meet.

(Yes I know this joke is older than Bob Hope)

When the UK leaves the EU they will have more storage space

Exactly 1 GB

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

America has Trump, a euphemism in the UK for fart.

The UK has Johnson, a euphemism in America for penis.

Together we have President Fart and Prime Minister Penis.

UK PRIME MINISTER:What do we want?

UK GOVERNMENT: BREXIT
UK PRIME MINISTER: When do we want it?
UK GOVERNMENT: NEVER!!!

In the rest of the world it’s the end of May, but in the UK it’s looking like

Ah wait no this doesn’t work any more

Russian, American and UK special forces were assigned for a contest in the Sahara to bring one Camel to QH.

First the American Navy Seals, they sneak into the desert and after 3 hours they come back with a camel.
The UK SAS dispatch in the scorching desert, after 12 hours they brought a camel.
Russian elite Spetsnaz showing no emotions run into the desert. After 18 hours they came back, and they...

What was the UK when they signed the Oregon Treaty?

An Oregon donor

Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US?

The keyboard adds an extra pound.

In a speech two days ago, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she plans to delay Brexit, in the hopes that the UK leaves with her deal on 22 May

May wants to leave at the end of May.

What's the difference between the UK and a Roast Dinner

The roast is better off without Brussels.

Demographers estimate that the Jagger Tipping Point, the moment when a majority of the UK population are direct descendants of Mick Jagger, will likely occur around the year 2300.

I wonder how weird that will feel to Keith Richards.

Today Might be July 24th in the UK

But its the last week of May

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If planet Earth was a human body, the UK would be the colon because everything it touches turns to shit.

That's why it's called Colonization.

How many UK member of parliment does it take to screw a lightbulb?

1, maybe. Or even 2. Or is it better to use 5 fingers? Or do we use 2 hands? Does the socket even fit? Do we even need a lighbulb?
We just cant agree!! Lets just screw it.
Wait what was the question again?

Since the UK were leaving the EU, the European Commission decided on having English remain as the main language, instead of German

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants j...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Calling the UK house of commons "The Chamber" makes it sound like a fucking torture room.

Which it kind of is I guess.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

American Woman on a train in the UK

An American woman boards a train in the UK. She sits down next to an English woman and decides to strike up a conversation with her.

"Hello, Miss. Where are you from?" she asks.

The British woman glares at the American and says, "From a place where we don't end our sentences in preposi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Being from the UK, my wife and I were discussing the withdrawal agreement last night.

We both agreed, she'll have it on her tits.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An UK businessman is in Japan for an important deal

Feeling stressed out, he goes to a brothel and finds a young girl. Although shy at first, soon she starts moaning and panting, and keeps on screaming "Soko janai! Soko janai!". While he couldn't understand Japanese, the man is glad to know that he managed to please her so much.


The next d...

Which dinosaur is the strongest in the UK?

Tea- rex

2018 is shooting past so fast in the UK....

We're mid-way through November, but it feels like the end of May!

I founded John Lennon Television, and now we’re the second biggest subscription TV service in the UK.

Above us, only Sky.

What is great in the US but awful in the UK?

Losing pounds

Just remember to be nice to all your UK friends tomorrow, reddit....

It's our 9/11.

What's the difference between the US and the UK?

In the USA, the husband is glad to see his wife lose a few pounds.

Poorly paid UK surgeons

Yesterday I found out that NHS surgeons are so poorly paid that they have to resort to crime.

I saw a sign, it said "Thieves operate in this area."

The 3 main difference between the UK and the USA

In the UK it's football. In the USA it's soccer.
In the UK it's Colour. In the USA it's Color.
In the UK it's School. In the USA it's shooting range.

I shouldn't have committed crime in UK

Life is upside down now

To prepare for her UK vacation, the blonde went on a high-calorie weight gain diet.

She'd heard she could pay for things there in pounds.

A North American arrives in the UK on vacation and needs directions.

Two plus size women with accents are walking by. The Foreigner says “excuse me. Do you two gals happen to be from England”. One of the women replies “ No idiot. Wales!!!!”

The Foreigner is taken aback. “ I’m sorry, let me start over” he says. “ Excuse me. Do you two whales ha...

Imagine if the UK switched from kilograms to pounds overnight

There would be mass confusion

I visited the UK recently and saw a hotel listing for 2000 pounds.

That's a ton of money

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking news: £500,000 worth of red bull stolen in The UK

How do those bastards sleep at night?

In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators

Because we’re raised differently.

(Moose Allain)

Why is it spelled “cancelled” in the UK, but “canceled” in the US?

Because the US handed the L back to the UK in 1776.

I just found out that UK doesn't have a kidney bank

but at least it has a Liverpool

Welcome to AlzheimersAware.co.uk.

Forgot your password? Of course you did.

1978: UK's prince marries, Liverpool wins the Champions League, the Pope dies.

2005: UK's prince marries, Liverpool wins the Champions League, the Pope dies.

2018: UK's prince marries, Liverpool is in the Champions League final, and the Pope is cheering for Real Madrid like a madman.

The leaders of the USA, UK and Germany leaders are on a plane

With their assistants when the pilot gives them a warning about too much weight on the plane and some people would need to jump from the plane to prevent it from fall. The assistants decide to jump to save their countries. First came the German assistant, with a German flag. He screams "FOR GERMANY"...

I love summer in the UK.

My favourite day of the year.

There was a study on Crows done in the UK....

As we all know, crows are very smart animals. They've learned that if they drop a nut into traffic, cars will run over it and break it open. This is usually performed by 2 crows; one to do the dropping and retrieving, and the second to signal no the first one when traffic is clear and it's safe to g...

A wife was going to the UK...

Wife: Should I bring you something from there?
Husband: Yeah. I'd like an English girl.

The wife leaves for the UK. After she returns...
Husband: Did you bring me what I asked for?

Wife: Yes. You'll get your English girl in 9 months.

What dish would you cook to ensnare a member of the UK Conservative Party?

Chicken Cacciatore.

UK politician Boris Johnson has promised to lie in front of bulldozers clearing a path for the 3rd Heathrow runway.

This should be no problem for him as he has already had plenty of practice lying in front of a bus!

(Credits to /u/canalavity and /u/chrisjd)

Apparently there is a flesh eating STD just discovered in the UK; however, it already exist in Russia, it’s called

Rotchakokof

The UK Government has decided to make LSD legal as a drug for weight loss

It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...

The UK have just introduced a new law

Whenever you buy Mayonaise it's now compulsory that you buy Cabbage and Carrots with it. They're referring to it as Coles Law

The snow in the UK is pretty bad right now

So I thought I’d check on my elderly 85 year old neighbour Valerie to see if she needed anything from the shops.

She said she did so I gave her my list too, no point us both going out in this weather.

The UK is the only place

Where it's easier to get a chicken dinner in PUBG than KFC

The people in the UK curse weird

Someone told me to get the fork out of here

What do you call a cross dresser who's job is to travel from the UK to the US?

Transatlantic

USA: "Trump won the presidency!"

UK: "Hold my tea."

Today in the UK we celebrate the 4th of July.

The day the average IQ of the British Empire jumped 100 points with a single signature.

Mum makes thousands selling her breastmilk to men: UK News

Apparently, her business has least churn rate.

Which is correct: “I can write with both of my arms,” or “I can write with all of my arms.”?

It depends where you are. In the UK, for example, you would use “both,” while in Chernobyl, you would use “all.”

Theresa May to put a cap on immigrants coming into the UK. I think this is unfair...

They should be allowed to wear what they like.

Over half of UK KFC stores have closed down after switching chicken suppliers.

It was an original recipe for disaster.

Court Ruling from the UK

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulati...

UK?

Yeah I'm alright, what about you mate?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

today in the UK the MET office issued a yellow weather warning for impending snow...

... really just taking the piss there aren't they.

Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?

If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.

My American friend came over to the uk to see me.

After his first day out he said to me “I was really nice and held elevator doors open for a spastic today”.

I very quickly told him that this kind of language would not fly in the u.k. – we call them lifts…

An African kid moves to the UK

A kid from South Africa moves to the UK and goes to his new school. During the first lesson, his teacher realises he doesn't know English very well so she tells him for his first homework to go to 3 places in England and to get a word from each place and learn it. Understanding this, the kid goes aw...

BREAKING: Tiger kills worker in an enclosure at UK zoo park

Man he took that DUI hard

What do you call a war between india and the UK?

The empire strikes back.

50 Cent moves to the UK

He'd be called "50 Pence".

Don’t say coffee is better than tea in the UK

You might get mugged

A new £1 coin is being released in the UK today...

...I don't like change.

UK General Election

In April, May said "June!"

If Donald Trump becomes president, and Boris Johnson becomes UK's PM...

It'll be like toupees in a pod.

In the UK, United States Vice President’s opinion isn’t worth much

It’s only a pence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The UK government can go fuck itself.

They'd better not film it, though.

I hear Scotland is trying to leave the UK again...

Well if at first you don't secede, try try again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane was travelling from America to the UK

A plane was travelling from America to the UK when, about 15 minutes into the journey, there is a slight rumble, a slight whine followed by the pilots voice over the PA system.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I would like to inform you that one of our engines has stopped...

TIL that someone in the UK gets stabbed every 52 seconds

Poor guy.

Everyone thought the UK made the stupidest decision of 2016

Sure showed them

UK vs USA

The UK and the US are having a battle to see who can ruin their country the fastest.
We were winning with Brexit but the US had a Trump card.
However Thereisa chance we May yet still win.

Trump wants to visit UK in show of 'solidarity'

Haven't we suffered enough already?

With the current outlook on UK exit polls...

It looks like june is the end of May

Why is Trump so keen to stay with the queen in the UK?

He heard she has golden bathrooms and can't wait to try out the showers.

This was once voted the UK's funniest joke...

A woman and her baby gets on a bus. The driver stops her at the door and says:"you have the ugliest baby I've ever seen!".the woman storms to the back of the bus, fuming. She sits down next to a stranger and says:"that bus driver just insulted me" The stranger then says:" That is absolutely not on!...

To celebrate the new year, the UK set off tonnes of fireworks in London. GF: this is such a waste of money. There are homeless people and people starving, and the government pay for this!

Me: yes, but blowing them up would be wrong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a British person say when they stub their toe?

fUK

I'm surprised that the UK left the EU by voting.

Most of the time they leave on penalty kicks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.

What do the majority of the people in the UK and a paper plate have in common?

They're both white trash.

UK ELECTIONS UPDATE

It's post election fever in the UK.
And the British ladies are more confused than ever!
They are Conservative in the day, Liberal at night and nine months later in Labour😂😂

A Hot Thai Nurse

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service in the UK, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.


As usual he was asked to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This may be why Teachers retire early or turn to drinking: the following questions were in a (UK) GED (grade 12 equivalent) examination (they are genuine answers):

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. In a democratic society, how impor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] what do you call a Uk police woman with a shaved pussy?

Cuntstubble

They say criminals always return to the scene of the crime.

No wonder there are so many Australians in the UK.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the UK it is legal to have sex with a girl when she leaves school...

So, 3.15pm??

Have you ever found yourself staring at a deadline, with no real work done, and then going to your teacher to beg for an extention?

Well then you know how UK feels

I want to tell a joke about infrastructure spending in the UK

but only people in London will get it.

A Scotsman, and Englishman, and a Chinese man take a hotair ballon ride over the UK...

As they take off, the Scotsman gazes down and marvels "Ahh my beautiful Scotland!"


As the cross the border the Englishman gazes down and says "Ahh my beautiful England!"


The Chinese man takes out a saucer, throws it over the side and says "Ahh my beautiful china!"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.