UPJOKE
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UK joke - What town uses VPNs the most?

Ipswich

The economy in the UK...

... is getting so dire that the elderly aren't getting to enjoy their retirement.

The BBC interviewed 73 year old Charles from Windsor: "despite having a generous government pension, I've had to start working today."

Why can’t the Uk and the USA play chess anymore?

Because one lost its queen and the other lost its two towers

The UK is introducing a square 99p coin.

It’s not a round number

The wait to see a doctor in the UK is getting so long, many are turning to Casualty instead.

They watch the show hoping someone turns up with the same symptoms as them.

Tomorrow’s date will be 11/11

Unless you’re from the UK, in which case it’ll be 11/11

What does the UK economy and dead pigs have in common?

The Tories love using both for their pump and dump schemes

There's a big difference between a bee from the UK and a bee from the US.

A UK bee carries pollen, a US bee carries data

In the UK most people complain about the bad weather...

In the UK most people complain about the bad weather, but Queen Elizabeth managed to get through 70 years and 214 days of continuous reign.

If your workplace requires password changes every 90 days...

...Just set it to the name of the current UK Prime minister and you should be fine.

The UK just passed a law so that corporations have to post earnings statements in public spaces to be accessible, like in parks, metro stations, high-density residential areas...

And the words of the profits are written on the subway walls and tenement halls.

Do you know why everyone in the UK loved the Queen?

Because she ruled.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tattoo

A man wanted to get a tattoo. The only issue was, the tattoo was an devilishly intricate design. He went to his local tattoo parlor, only to get turned away as the artist was not skilled enough. He tried again in a busy parlor in the middle of a nearby city, only to be told it was too difficult once...

Why did the Canadian Siamese twins go to the UK on vacation?

So the other one could drive.

(One for those in the UK today) I'm not saying it's hot in my living room...

But two Hobbits just walked in and threw a ring into it.

A Russian spy is in the UK

A Russian spy is in the UK trying to dig up dirt on an MP.

He walks into a pub, sits next to the MP and orders a drink. He tries to start up a conversation but the MP says he knows he's a spy.

"Of course I'm not a spy, I can sing the whole British anthem", he then sings every verse per...

A German in a Bar

A German walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender tells him : "20 euros!"

The German is shocked - "20 euros? yesterday it was only 3 euros !"

"Well, today it is 20 euros."

\- "But why 20, damn it?"

Bar tender : "I'll explain it,

\-3 euros is beer,...

the difference beetween drinking in the US and the UK.

If you had 3 glasses of wine in the US, some might call you an alcoholic.
If you had 3 glasses of wine in Brittain, you're the designated driver.

A 'your mom' joke, from around year zero, ancient Rome:

"The Emperor Augustus was touring the Empire, when he noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself.

"Intrigued he asked: 'Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?'

"'No your Highness,' he replied, 'but my father was.'"


(I recently found ...

How are dog catchers in the UK paid?

By the pound.

Chris Rea's two biggest hits in the UK are 'Driving home for Christmas' and 'Road to Hell'

Which if you have a family like mine, both songs describe the journey.

Why didn't Trump buy anything when he went to the UK?

He only had one Pence

Most successful personal ad in the UK ever

Old, fat, bald, poor man seeks woman. HAVE AIR CON

Turns out there are hundreds of woman in my area who want to meet me right now!

Due to recent changes, 50 cent has changed his citizenship to the UK.

After experiencing weight gain, he is being converted to UK currency and will now be known as "50 pounds".

UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.

They are treating the offence as race related.

What’s the best way to lose some pounds?

Having a gambling problem in the UK.

what do the UK Prime Minister and the former US president have in common?

One is Boris Johnson, the other is a boorish "johnson"

UK is a very generous country

It is the largest supplier of Independence day to countries around the world.

They say fizzy drinks will soon disappear from the shelves in UK supermarkets thanks to Brexit.

The UK Government should do a trade deal with Mexico, I hear they're really good at getting coke across the border.

If anyone in the UK is currently struggling to get hold of some fuel just let me know.

Because my mate Jerry can.

Which folks in the UK are the most fun to be around?

The Welsh, you always have a Wale of a time visiting

What is great in the US but awful in the UK?

Losing pounds

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trial in UK

A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more. She filed a court case on hi...

A German man was visiting the UK.

A German man was visiting the UK. He asked a local if they knew what the number for the police was. The local said 999. The German man walked away and asked another local for the number. Again, he got the same response. Confused, he complained about how no one knew the police number.

Is there a 4th of July in the UK?

Yeah… right after the 3rd of July.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently there's a sperm shortage in the UK

Probably because all the wankers have gone to the petrol station

You may only get this joke if you live in the UK, so apologies...

Two packets of Crisps leave the cinema, a car pulls up alongside them and the driver offers them a lift, they reply, ‘No thanks, we’re Walkers’.

They should set the next Fast and the Furious in the UK

just so they could call it FatF:UK.

If you're in the UK, you go poo in the loo. So what do you do in the bathroom in Miami?

Cocaine

When I grew up in America, I was told that if I work real hard, someday I could be the next President of the United States.

I live in the UK now and noticed that the British aren’t as optimistic as Americans.

But as an optimist, I still tell my son that if he worked real hard, someday he could be the next Queen of England.

in the UK when you turn 100 you get a letter from the queen

and when you’re 13 you get a text from prince Andrew

A rich Arabian business man brought all the chip shops in the UK

He was Sultan vinegar

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What's the difference between a panicked chicken and the US/UK/Brazil response to Covid?

One's a flustered cluck...

>!The other's a clusterfuck!!<

Police in Wales (UK) publish results of recent 'Anonymous Offensive Weapon Surrender' scheme.

Cardiff Central Library in which the amnesty took place last night, is already being celebrated as a 'Significant victory for the people of Wales, its safety and security going forward' by its Chief of Police.

Among the 200+ weapons collected in the haul comprised of:

120 knives and s...

With Phillip gone, the UK is already making plans for when the Queen passes as well.

They'll toss a soldier off the cliffs of Dover and she'll return at full strength.

Why doesn't Putin visit the Queen?

He can't handle UK rain.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators

Because we’re raised differently.

(Moose Allain)

Did you hear the one about the UK lockdown?

It ended in tiers.

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a...

Following the UK entry's "nul points" in last night's Eurovision song contest

Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman have announced that they are adding £250 to the jackpot.

9/11 wouldn't have happened if it took place in the UK

It would be 11/9.

I love summer in the UK.

My favourite day of the year.

If I get the UK variant of coronavirus will my cough sound different?

Like instead of COUGH COUGH UGHH is it more like AHEM ERM His Majesty David Beckham has come to take your spices and subjugate your people AHEM AHEM

The UK Government has decided to make LSD legal as a drug for weight loss

It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...

What do you do if you can't afford to fly from Germany to the UK?

euro

(UK reference) Whats' an aircraft mechanic's favourite Oasis song?

Don't Look Back in Hangar.

What kind of instrument does a British person play?

A UK-lele

What starts with T, ends with T, and has T in it?

A toilet in the UK.

The UK tested switching to the dollar...

Many years ago, England was considering switching the Pound over to the dollar. As a test run to see how it would fare, they made a run of dollar coins that they distributed to the public.

Not wanting to get them confused with the one pound coins, they decided they would change the Queen's fa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

UK has some weird laws

1. You can join the army at 16. But you can't by call of duty till your 18.
2. You can't vote till your 16 .yet some MPs will Shag you if your under 16.
3. You need parental consent to marry if your under 18. (In England) But can have sex at 16.
4. It is legal to shoot a Scotsman under cer...

Court Ruling from the UK

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulati...

Short message telegram

In days past, pre- phones and faxes and emails, a group of young ladies went on a picnic.

Unfortunately, the picnic was cut short as one of their group, Anna, sat down on an anthill and was rushed to hospital (Accident and Emergency in the UK).

Her friends needed to inform Anna's paren...

An English cat named ABC challenges a French cat named 123 to a swim across the English Channel, from the UK to France. They both swim hard, but only the English cat makes it. What happened to the other cat?

Well, un deux trois quatre cinq.

UK comedian Bobby Ball has sadly passed away

David Beckham has been invited to read the eulogy. The family wanted a dead ball specialist

Despite tonight's advice from the UK government, pub chain Wetherspoons will remain open for a further THREE WEEKS!

They won't be serving anything, it's just to give people who went to the toilets a chance to leave before they lock up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In business news, the makers of "Utterly Butterly" have been knocked off their top spot as the UK's leading brand of dairy spread.

I can't believe they're not bitter.

A North American arrives in the UK on vacation and needs directions.

Two plus size women with accents are walking by. The Foreigner says “excuse me. Do you two gals happen to be from England”. One of the women replies “ No idiot. Wales!!!!”

The Foreigner is taken aback. “ I’m sorry, let me start over” he says. “ Excuse me. Do you two whales ha...

[OC] How many UK Prime Ministers does it take to change a light bulb?

Who knows, they're never in office long enough to be able to do so.

What’s a question you can ask a fat hooker in both the USA and UK?

“How many pounds are you?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Playgrounds in the UK have been fitted with advanced paedophile detection systems to help protect children

The company behind the technology has called it NonceSense™

So the UK has introduced the “rule of 6” for social groups...

Now if you attempt to add another party member they will be sent to the PC.

A wife was going to the UK...

Wife: Should I bring you something from there?
Husband: Yeah. I'd like an English girl.

The wife leaves for the UK. After she returns...
Husband: Did you bring me what I asked for?

Wife: Yes. You'll get your English girl in 9 months.

The UK is really taking the Paris Climate Agreement seriously.

Yesterday they voted to become Corbyn-neutral by 2020.

Imagine if the UK switched from kilograms to pounds overnight

There would be mass confusion

Recycling in the UK is getting very serious...

Even our immigrants are being shipped in reusable containers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

America has Trump, a euphemism in the UK for fart.

The UK has Johnson, a euphemism in America for penis.

Together we have President Fart and Prime Minister Penis.

Did you hear about the bank robbers who managed to evade the police but lost one of their associates from the northern UK?

They got away scot-free

In the rest of the world it’s the end of May, but in the UK it’s looking like

Ah wait no this doesn’t work any more

The UK is officially changing its name in honor of mental health awareness.

The new name being "U.O.K.?"

Yesterday, UK protesters tore down monuments of Boris Johnson and Theresa May

Lawyers assume that they will be charged for a statue-tory crime

2018 is shooting past so fast in the UK....

We're mid-way through November, but it feels like the end of May!

The UK's response to COVID 19 is fairly confused after tonight's announcement.

We don't know our R's from our elbows

As it's national girlfriend day (UK); Here's to our wives and girlfriends.

May they never meet.

(Yes I know this joke is older than Bob Hope)

Just remember to be nice to all your UK friends tomorrow, reddit....

It's our 9/11.

The leaders of the USA, UK and Germany leaders are on a plane

With their assistants when the pilot gives them a warning about too much weight on the plane and some people would need to jump from the plane to prevent it from fall. The assistants decide to jump to save their countries. First came the German assistant, with a German flag. He screams "FOR GERMANY"...

Conversation between leaders of the UK and Argentina

UK: knock knock.

Argentina: who's there?

UK: Falkland Islands.

Argentina: I don't get it.

UK: And you never will.

Not all UK politicians will cry tonight

but Theresa May

Today in the UK we celebrate the 4th of July.

The day the average IQ of the British Empire jumped 100 points with a single signature.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

American Woman on a train in the UK

An American woman boards a train in the UK. She sits down next to an English woman and decides to strike up a conversation with her.

"Hello, Miss. Where are you from?" she asks.

The British woman glares at the American and says, "From a place where we don't end our sentences in preposi...

1978: UK's prince marries, Liverpool wins the Champions League, the Pope dies.

2005: UK's prince marries, Liverpool wins the Champions League, the Pope dies.

2018: UK's prince marries, Liverpool is in the Champions League final, and the Pope is cheering for Real Madrid like a madman.

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