A German man was visiting the UK.

A German man was visiting the UK. He asked a local if they knew what the number for the police was. The local said 999. The German man walked away and asked another local for the number. Again, he got the same response. Confused, he complained about how no one knew the police number.

How are dog catchers in the UK paid?

By the pound.

If anyone in the UK is currently struggling to get hold of some fuel just let me know.

Because my mate Jerry can.

They say fizzy drinks will soon disappear from the shelves in UK supermarkets thanks to Brexit.

The UK Government should do a trade deal with Mexico, I hear they're really good at getting coke across the border.

what do the UK Prime Minister and the former US president have in common?

One is Boris Johnson, the other is a boorish "johnson"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently there's a sperm shortage in the UK

Probably because all the wankers have gone to the petrol station

UK police today arrested a man for shooting a starting pistol at someone.

They are treating the offence as race related.

Which folks in the UK are the most fun to be around?

The Welsh, you always have a Wale of a time visiting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

Is there a 4th of July in the UK?

Yeah… right after the 3rd of July.

Why didn't Trump buy anything when he went to the UK?

He only had one Pence

They should set the next Fast and the Furious in the UK

just so they could call it FatF:UK.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a major flood warning in the UK

A lot of water is coming from Scottland pissing themselves in laughter

You may only get this joke if you live in the UK, so apologies...

Two packets of Crisps leave the cinema, a car pulls up alongside them and the driver offers them a lift, they reply, ‘No thanks, we’re Walkers’.

UK is a very generous country

It is the largest supplier of Independence day to countries around the world.

What’s is the #1 question asked after Brexit?

UK?

With Phillip gone, the UK is already making plans for when the Queen passes as well.

They'll toss a soldier off the cliffs of Dover and she'll return at full strength.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a panicked chicken and the US/UK/Brazil response to Covid?

One's a flustered cluck...

>!The other's a clusterfuck!!<

Following the UK entry's "nul points" in last night's Eurovision song contest

Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman have announced that they are adding £250 to the jackpot.

What is the difference between a bee from the UK and a bee from the US?

A UK bee carries pollen, the latter carries data.

A rich Arabian business man brought all the chip shops in the UK

He was Sultan vinegar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trial in UK

A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more. She filed a court case on hi...

9/11 wouldn't have happened if it took place in the UK

It would be 11/9.

Did you hear the one about the UK lockdown?

It ended in tiers.

If I get the UK variant of coronavirus will my cough sound different?

Like instead of COUGH COUGH UGHH is it more like AHEM ERM His Majesty David Beckham has come to take your spices and subjugate your people AHEM AHEM

If you're in the UK, you go poo in the loo. So what do you do in the bathroom in Miami?

Cocaine

in the UK when you turn 100 you get a letter from the queen

and when you’re 13 you get a text from prince Andrew

What do you do if you can't afford to fly from Germany to the UK?

euro

What did England say to Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland when it saw they were upset?

UK?

Dieting hasnt worked out for me, so Im gambling in the UK

Great way to lose a few pounds.

An English cat named ABC challenges a French cat named 123 to a swim across the English Channel, from the UK to France. They both swim hard, but only the English cat makes it. What happened to the other cat?

Well, un deux trois quatre cinq.

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a...

Court Ruling from the UK

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should’ve custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulation...

(UK reference) Whats' an aircraft mechanic's favourite Oasis song?

Don't Look Back in Hangar.

UK comedian Bobby Ball has sadly passed away

David Beckham has been invited to read the eulogy. The family wanted a dead ball specialist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In business news, the makers of "Utterly Butterly" have been knocked off their top spot as the UK's leading brand of dairy spread.

I can't believe they're not bitter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

UK has some weird laws

1. You can join the army at 16. But you can't by call of duty till your 18.
2. You can't vote till your 16 .yet some MPs will Shag you if your under 16.
3. You need parental consent to marry if your under 18. (In England) But can have sex at 16.
4. It is legal to shoot a Scotsman under cer...

So the UK has introduced the “rule of 6” for social groups...

Now if you attempt to add another party member they will be sent to the PC.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Playgrounds in the UK have been fitted with advanced paedophile detection systems to help protect children

The company behind the technology has called it NonceSense™

What’s a question you can ask a fat hooker in both the USA and UK?

“How many pounds are you?”

The UK tested switching to the dollar...

Many years ago, England was considering switching the Pound over to the dollar. As a test run to see how it would fare, they made a run of dollar coins that they distributed to the public.

Not wanting to get them confused with the one pound coins, they decided they would change the Queen's fa...

In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators

Because we’re raised differently.

(Moose Allain)

Despite tonight's advice from the UK government, pub chain Wetherspoons will remain open for a further THREE WEEKS!

They won't be serving anything, it's just to give people who went to the toilets a chance to leave before they lock up.

The UK is officially changing its name in honor of mental health awareness.

The new name being "U.O.K.?"

Yesterday, UK protesters tore down monuments of Boris Johnson and Theresa May

Lawyers assume that they will be charged for a statue-tory crime

I love summer in the UK.

My favourite day of the year.

Did you hear about the bank robbers who managed to evade the police but lost one of their associates from the northern UK?

They got away scot-free

The UK's response to COVID 19 is fairly confused after tonight's announcement.

We don't know our R's from our elbows

The UK Government has decided to make LSD legal as a drug for weight loss

It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...

The UK is really taking the Paris Climate Agreement seriously.

Yesterday they voted to become Corbyn-neutral by 2020.

[OC] How many UK Prime Ministers does it take to change a light bulb?

Who knows, they're never in office long enough to be able to do so.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In India, they shit on the streets

In UK, they shit in the Daily Mail and Sun

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Happy Valentines Day From the UK.

Wishing you all a happy Valentines day from the UK.
also lovingly known as Steak and blowjob day.

or
For us Singles
Pornhub & Handjob Day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

America has Trump, a euphemism in the UK for fart.

The UK has Johnson, a euphemism in America for penis.

Together we have President Fart and Prime Minister Penis.

Recycling in the UK is getting very serious...

Even our immigrants are being shipped in reusable containers.

Never ask a woman her weight, never ask a man his salary

And never ask UK's museum's owners how in the hell they have so many historical artefacts

Why was it obvious that a double amputee was the last one to exit a UK pub?

He was legless

In the rest of the world it’s the end of May, but in the UK it’s looking like

Ah wait no this doesn’t work any more

A North American arrives in the UK on vacation and needs directions.

Two plus size women with accents are walking by. The Foreigner says “excuse me. Do you two gals happen to be from England”. One of the women replies “ No idiot. Wales!!!!”

The Foreigner is taken aback. “ I’m sorry, let me start over” he says. “ Excuse me. Do you two whales ha...

My brother heard they call their mother some other name in the UK. He really wants to know what it is, but I’m not telling him to annoy him.

Mum’s the word.

As it's national girlfriend day (UK); Here's to our wives and girlfriends.

May they never meet.

(Yes I know this joke is older than Bob Hope)

The UK should ban pre-shredded cheese

Make Britain grate again

Conversation between leaders of the UK and Argentina

UK: knock knock.

Argentina: who's there?

UK: Falkland Islands.

Argentina: I don't get it.

UK: And you never will.

Remember when the UK was part of the European Union?

I remember it like it was yesterday

The leaders of the USA, UK and Germany leaders are on a plane

With their assistants when the pilot gives them a warning about too much weight on the plane and some people would need to jump from the plane to prevent it from fall. The assistants decide to jump to save their countries. First came the German assistant, with a German flag. He screams "FOR GERMANY"...

A wife was going to the UK...

Wife: Should I bring you something from there?
Husband: Yeah. I'd like an English girl.

The wife leaves for the UK. After she returns...
Husband: Did you bring me what I asked for?

Wife: Yes. You'll get your English girl in 9 months.

Imagine if the UK switched from kilograms to pounds overnight

There would be mass confusion

2018 is shooting past so fast in the UK....

We're mid-way through November, but it feels like the end of May!

I run a dating service for lower income areas in The UK

It's how I make ends meet

Scientology is officially recognised as a religion in the UK, rather than just a cult. A cult being a group who believe in bizarre theories and superstitions, practice daft rituals and accept ridiculous restrictions on their behaviour.

Whereas a religion…….

Just remember to be nice to all your UK friends tomorrow, reddit....

It's our 9/11.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

American Woman on a train in the UK

An American woman boards a train in the UK. She sits down next to an English woman and decides to strike up a conversation with her.

"Hello, Miss. Where are you from?" she asks.

The British woman glares at the American and says, "From a place where we don't end our sentences in preposi...

What's the difference between the US and the UK?

In the USA, the husband is glad to see his wife lose a few pounds.

Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US?

The keyboard adds an extra pound.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If planet Earth was a human body, the UK would be the colon because everything it touches turns to shit.

That's why it's called Colonization.

1978: UK's prince marries, Liverpool wins the Champions League, the Pope dies.

2005: UK's prince marries, Liverpool wins the Champions League, the Pope dies.

2018: UK's prince marries, Liverpool is in the Champions League final, and the Pope is cheering for Real Madrid like a madman.

Sam walks into a bar on his birthday

It was Sam’s birthday, he just turned 18, finally a man (Sam lives in the Uk). In the excitement of being able to finally buy a pint from the bar without having to worry about being asked for ID, he approaches the woman who was bartending.

Sam, having a lack of knowledge with drinks, asks the...

The 3 main difference between the UK and the USA

In the UK it's football. In the USA it's soccer.
In the UK it's Colour. In the USA it's Color.
In the UK it's School. In the USA it's shooting range.

I visited the UK recently and saw a hotel listing for 2000 pounds.

That's a ton of money

Not all UK politicians will cry tonight

but Theresa May

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking news: £500,000 worth of red bull stolen in The UK

How do those bastards sleep at night?

Today in the UK we celebrate the 4th of July.

The day the average IQ of the British Empire jumped 100 points with a single signature.

I just found out that UK doesn't have a kidney bank

but at least it has a Liverpool

There was a study on Crows done in the UK....

As we all know, crows are very smart animals. They've learned that if they drop a nut into traffic, cars will run over it and break it open. This is usually performed by 2 crows; one to do the dropping and retrieving, and the second to signal no the first one when traffic is clear and it's safe to g...

Just watched the news and a guy in the UK proposed to his wife with the ring on the udder of a cow.

How dairy.

In a speech two days ago, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she plans to delay Brexit, in the hopes that the UK leaves with her deal on 22 May

May wants to leave at the end of May.

UK PRIME MINISTER:What do we want?

UK GOVERNMENT: BREXIT
UK PRIME MINISTER: When do we want it?
UK GOVERNMENT: NEVER!!!

Today Might be July 24th in the UK

But its the last week of May

Why are diet pills so effective in the UK?

If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.

If the UK leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1 GB

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

Brit: Why is it ‘cancelled’ in the UK but ‘canceled’ in America?

Murican: Coz we gave you that L in 1776

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Being from the UK, my wife and I were discussing the withdrawal agreement last night.

We both agreed, she'll have it on her tits.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An UK businessman is in Japan for an important deal

Feeling stressed out, he goes to a brothel and finds a young girl. Although shy at first, soon she starts moaning and panting, and keeps on screaming "Soko janai! Soko janai!". While he couldn't understand Japanese, the man is glad to know that he managed to please her so much.


The next d...

The snow in the UK is pretty bad right now

So I thought I’d check on my elderly 85 year old neighbour Valerie to see if she needed anything from the shops.

She said she did so I gave her my list too, no point us both going out in this weather.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Celibacy or .....

Before being ordained 6 priests had to stand nude with a bell tied to their cocks. Anyone whose bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits & a shaved fanny danced before each one. 1st priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached last p...

What's the difference between the UK and a Roast Dinner

The roast is better off without Brussels.

Driving be like:

UK: Drive to the left

US: Drive to the right

India: Criss Cross

This was once voted the UK's funniest joke...

A woman and her baby gets on a bus. The driver stops her at the door and says:"you have the ugliest baby I've ever seen!".the woman storms to the back of the bus, fuming. She sits down next to a stranger and says:"that bus driver just insulted me" The stranger then says:" That is absolutely not on!...

What was the UK when they signed the Oregon Treaty?

An Oregon donor

If Donald Trump becomes president, and Boris Johnson becomes UK's PM...

It'll be like toupees in a pod.

The UK is the only place

Where it's easier to get a chicken dinner in PUBG than KFC

Russian, American and UK special forces were assigned for a contest in the Sahara to bring one Camel to QH.

First the American Navy Seals, they sneak into the desert and after 3 hours they come back with a camel.
The UK SAS dispatch in the scorching desert, after 12 hours they brought a camel.
Russian elite Spetsnaz showing no emotions run into the desert. After 18 hours they came back, and they...

What do you call a war between india and the UK?

The empire strikes back.

Demographers estimate that the Jagger Tipping Point, the moment when a majority of the UK population are direct descendants of Mick Jagger, will likely occur around the year 2300.

I wonder how weird that will feel to Keith Richards.

An African kid moves to the UK

A kid from South Africa moves to the UK and goes to his new school. During the first lesson, his teacher realises he doesn't know English very well so she tells him for his first homework to go to 3 places in England and to get a word from each place and learn it. Understanding this, the kid goes aw...

90s Boygroup Songs are a Perfect Fit to the current UK Relationship with Europe...

Tell me why

Ain't nothin' but a heartache

Tell me why

Ain't nothin' but a mistake

Tell me why

I never want to hear you say

I want Brexit that way

UK politician Boris Johnson has promised to lie in front of bulldozers clearing a path for the 3rd Heathrow runway.

This should be no problem for him as he has already had plenty of practice lying in front of a bus!

(Credits to /u/canalavity and /u/chrisjd)

UK?

Yeah I'm alright, what about you mate?

BREAKING: Tiger kills worker in an enclosure at UK zoo park

Man he took that DUI hard

How many UK member of parliment does it take to screw a lightbulb?

1, maybe. Or even 2. Or is it better to use 5 fingers? Or do we use 2 hands? Does the socket even fit? Do we even need a lighbulb?
We just cant agree!! Lets just screw it.
Wait what was the question again?

Which dinosaur is the strongest in the UK?

Tea- rex

If this doesn't make you groan I don't know what will...

With 2nd lockdown looming in the UK, I saw a man with 4 cases of San Miguel, 5 paellas and 7 sombreros, I think Hispanic buying

Poorly paid UK surgeons

Yesterday I found out that NHS surgeons are so poorly paid that they have to resort to crime.

I saw a sign, it said "Thieves operate in this area."

A new £1 coin is being released in the UK today...

...I don't like change.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The UK government can go fuck itself.

They'd better not film it, though.

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