UPJOKE
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Maximum Jokes

The manual in my car says that I shouldn’t turn the stereo volume to the maximum.

That’s....sound advice.

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

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I put in maximum effort when I shave my pubic region.

I really put my balls to the Wahl.

I repost each Culture Club pun at least five times for maximum internet points

I suppose you could call me a karma karma karma karma karma comedian….

what is maximum self destruction?

when a leper gets an epileptic seizure

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What is the maximum number of people a person can have sex with in one day called?

Bangwidth.

Did you hear about the cheesemaker who got sent to maximum security prison?

He's being kept in solid-dairy confinement.

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What is the maximum speed allowed for sex?

68
Because at 69 you roll over

BANK CLERK: The maximum you can withdraw is £10.

ME: Ok [slipping them £5] how about now?

BANK CLERK: The maximum you can withdraw is £15.

Did you know that restaurants can only store a maximum of 256 sliders at a time?

It's because they're 1 byte.

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors...

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other
residents tolerated her and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and
Kooky Kevin stepped out with his arm outstretched.

"STOP!" he shouted in a fi...

[OC] What do you call the mum with the most kids in the world? Maximum. What do you call a mum with just 1 child? Minimum. What do you call a woman with no kids?

Optimum.

Happy mother's day!

Women only need 3.5 inches to achieve maximum pleasure...

...it's called a "credit card"

For the first time ever I scored the maximum on a test and I couldn't be happier.

The policeman with the breathalyzer seemed upset though.

Who has made maximum money on Jeopardy?

Alex Trebek.

TIL in 2015 three inmates from a maximum security prison beat Harvard’s debate team.

With their fists.

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

Did you know that the capital of Ireland had the maximum growth of Europe?

It's Dublin every year

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to...

While in Prague I drove by the maximum security prison. It made me feel uneasy...

I never like passing bad Czechs.

Selling war insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. <...

An old man talks with a friend

\- You know, I think my wife is beginning to become deaf, but I'm not sure. Are there tests that can be done before going to the doctor?
\- Yes there is, says his friend. You could measure the maximum distance at which she can hear you.

The man goes home and find his wife in the k...

A very cold winter indeed!

A young First Nations chief in Canada has just taken over leadership of his tribe, and wants to do the very best for his people. Since it is autumn, he tells them they should gather firewood for the coming winter, so they start to do that. But the young chief still has doubts - what if they don't ...

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ...

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SUMMER CAMP FOR Husbands. Evening classes for men. Starting this month.

*Summer camp*

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of the content, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

*Topic 1.*
How to fill ice-cube trays and why to fill water bottles before putting them back in the fridge.
Step by step with slide pre...

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A redditor is being investigated for tax fraud

So he goes to the IRS bar at the bank with his attorney little Johnny.

The tax bartender asks him "you have no marketable skills, how do you make so much money?"

The redditor responds "I tell jokes, want to hear one? If you guess the punch line I'll pay you $69, if not you'll owe me $...

Chicken

BORROWED

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields....

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Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist....

Pierre Dumonte Wiffade was a French explorer and biologist who was, in 1792, considered one of the country’s chief ornithologists. Credited with discovering and describing over 200 different bird species, he spent most of his life hopping from island to island, describing the wildlife, and moving to...

A priest, a thief, and an engineer were all waiting in line to be executed by guillotine during the French revolution.

The priest was to be the first to meet his fate. As he stepped onto the platform the executioner asked him "Father, would you like to meet your maker face up or face down?"

After thinking about it for a moment, the priest answered "My son, if today is to be my last day, then I wish to go face...

Giving your cat a bath.

We all know that cats are generally not into taking a bath outside of their own tongue so below is a guide to use.



1. Open the lid and seat of the toilet and add some soap to the bowl.
2. Get the cat and drop them inside and quickly close the lid.
3. You will hear some howling a...

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A rich guy buys a new car

A rich guy buys a new car , the newest Ferrari model with the maximum speed of 400 km per hour, very proud of this new car he decides to take it
for a spin.He drives around for a while until he runs out of gas, he pulls over to the nearest gas station and fills up the car and then goes back in to...

A pregnant woman is at the hospital with her husband, when they are asked if they'd like to try an experimental device.

The device transfers some of the pain of labour and contractions to the father, as a gesture of love and bonding between the couple. The two agree.


They hook up the man and the woman to the device, turn it on while the woman is having contractions, but nothing happens. Confused, they ti...

How do you get every mother?

You take the sum from Minimum to Maximum.

A local copper was walking through his quiet English village when he spots a red Ferrari coming through just a little bit too fast. He steps out into the road, stops the car, and walks up to the driver's window.

"Going a bit fast there, don't you think?"

"This road is the b35 so I was going 35mph." Replies the driver.

The copper shakes his head at the driver's stupidity. "That's not how it works, son. It's tight bends and small single lanes for miles around here, 30mph maximum." The copper the...

Strong people don’t put others down.

They lift them up and body-slam them for maximum impact.

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Weight loss center

Fat guy walks into a radical new weight loss center, that guarantees results.

Receptionist: How many pounds do you want to lose today?
Guy: Today?! Yeah, right, let's say 2.
Receptionist: 1st floor please, room 12, you have 3 hours.

He walks in a large empty room, sees a beauti...

An extremely close landing on an extremely short runway..

A plane is nearing its destination. The pilot turns to his co-pilot and remarks: "That looks like a really short runway." The co-pilot looks at it and says: "Yes, captain, its really short." 100 meters from the runway, the pilot communicates to the passengers and crew: "Fasten your seatbelts, this i...

Four students decide to skip an exam

Four students were attending law college and were quite used to cheating and exploiting to get better grades. Their final exam was due tomorrow and they wanted to get some extra time to hopefully enhance their grades.

The plan was simple: don’t show up tomorrow, spend the whole day learning ...

One for the Albertans out there: So this carload of guys from Calgary decide to drive to Edmonton.

The first sign they see as they hit Highway #2 north says "Maximum 100, Night 90". So they pulled over and waited til the had sun set.

Knocked 10 kms off the trip.

There was a lad named John

There was a lad named John who was dealt a bad hand since he was born. He was an orphan who was brought up in a for profit orphanage, leading him to suffer mental trauma amongst other issues. After turning 16, he was kicked out of the orphanage with no support whatsoever. Not knowing what to do, he ...

Why is Optimus Prime worthless?

The derivative at the maximum = 0

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Fiat vs Ferrari

So on a nice and sunny Sunday afternoon Jim is taking his LaFerrari for a Spin on the Highway. Driving along for a while when Jim spots a broken down Car on the side of the road, apparently having some issues. As Jim is passing he realizes the Car is a Old Fiat 500.

Chuckling to Himself abou...

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Man walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How tall is a penguin?"

The bartender says about three feet.

Man, "Don't you get any penguins taller than that!"

The bartender says, "Maybe maximum four feet but no taller than that."

.
.
.
.
Man, "Oh shit, in that case, my fear is true.....I just drove over a nun!"

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Jungle snooker. (Long Old joke, but then I’m old so you may not have heard it)

An elephant, a crocodile and a snake met by a riverbank, they had known each other for years and were pals. How about a game ? said the crocodile and the others agreed. Jungle snooker? Asked the elephant. Don’t know that one said the snake, how’s it played? Well said the elephant it’s like table ...

If life was like middle school

Judge: In all my years on the bench, I have never seen a more despicable criminal. You robbed, assaulted, and tortured the victim simply for the thrill of it. Do you have anything to say before I sentence you?

Criminal: Nope

Judge: I hereby sentence you to forty years in a maximum secu...

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Chainsaw

A redneck had a field with 500 trees and decides to cut everything to make a golf course.

Then he decides to go to the city and buy a chainsaw. There's one with an ad that says, "cuts down 500 trees in one day."

He bought it, went home and said:

*- I'll start cutting all the tre...

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An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep...

but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses...

This takes place in a society where everybody is born really weak.

The more wealth you have, either through actual money or possessions, the more you would reach your maximum Power Percentage or for short, PP. Most people had around a 50% power percentage, parents would give some of their belongings to their kids at birth so they would be strong enough to walk, but...

In the distant land of Punsar two thieves were stealing

The thieves happened to be twins, named Manny and Manny. They belonged to the clan of Long Anconvo, a Chinese clan of thieves known for their dexterousness and efficiency. One day, the head of the clan sent the two thieves to Punsar, a land known for its wealth in gold and jewelry.
The thieves...

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head...

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head... he sits down at the bar and the bartender says "WHOA! How did you get a lemon for a head?" The man replies "if you pour me free drinks all night, I'll tell you the story" the bartender agrees and starts to pour him a drink. The man starts to te...

Steph Curry picks up a veteran and a rookie teammate on his way to a game against the Lakers.

While on the road, they wind up behind an SUV and Steph sees that Shaq is behind the wheel. Steph kicks it into overdrive and passes Shaq going 70 mph.

A little while later they see Arnold Schwarzenegger in a Mustang. Steph floors it and passes him going 80 mph.

Halfway to the game, t...

A man prepares his donkey and dog for a long journey up a mountain.

He places a pack straddle on the donkey’s back and fills everything to maximum weight. Because of the weight, he decides to pull the donkey along so that it does not become tired as easily. The man, donkey, and his guard dog now begin the long trip up a mountain to get to the other side.

Hour...

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Mathematical joke

The cruise ship is 600 ft long, 150 ft wide, and 140 ft high, but only 110 ft above water.
It has 18 decks, and can accommodate 5860 passengers, holds a crew of 1800 personnel.
There are 18 lifeboats, each can take 150 passengers in case of emergency, also 20 inflatable rafts with maximum capa...

What's the difference between your mom and an elevator?

An elevator has a maximum occupancy.

A woman goes into labor at the hospital

The husband asks if there is anything he can do to help ease the process for his wife.

The doctor says "there is an experimental process that allows the father to endure various levels of the pain of childbirth. It's new and untested, but it's all you can do."

"I'll do it. Anything t...

Why did the bodybuilder want to train on an island?

For maximum isolation.

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About an inch

The UN is in session and the three major superpowers, the US, Russia, and China are trying to out do each other's achievements.

The US says "we have a missile that could reach any point on Earth with amazing precision and destroy it."

Everyone else starts chattering in disbelief and t...

An old short, ugly, fat man approaches a beautiful woman in a bar...

He says to her:

"Ma'am I know that I'm a bit older than you, and I'm not particularly easy on the eyes, but I would love to buy you a drink."

She flatly tells him:

"No. Go away. I'm not interested"

But the man persists. He tells her:

"But wait! I'm a smart guy wit...

What do women and video games have in common?

You have to beat them to get maximum enjoyment.

There was this musician in North Korea....

One day he was called upon by Kim Jong Un to compose a piece of music and have the Great North Korean Orchestra play it live to him in the Humble Auditorium.

The musician, not wanting to displease the Great Leader, did as he asked and got to work composing a piece of music. One week later, on...

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The purple feather

Billy was walking to school when he spotted a purple feather on the side of the road . "A purple feather! I can't wait to show everyone" he exclaimed. It was lunch time at school and Billy decided to show his friend Jacob. Jacob held the feather and asked "how did you find this?" Billy replied "I w...

What do you call the largest number of grizzlies you can fit in a car?

The bear maximum

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For 3 years, a guy tries to sleep with a girl

But he never convinced her.

One day he came up with an offer. He asked her if she wanted to do anal for $3k. She said no.
He offered her $4k, she still said no. He then raised it to $5k and told her that's the maximum I can give you. She thought about it and said yes.

They went to...

[Long] There was this thief...

His name was John. Now John was the best there was. He had pulled off many heists and gathered millionsnof dollars. Many of the crimes were known, but the police did not know they were linked, as he used a completely different method each time.

So one day John goes to perform his biggest heis...

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A Sexual Encounter between a Capacitor and an Inductor

One evening, with his charge at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute coil to discharge him. He went to the Magnet Bar to pick up a chip called Millie Amp. He caught her out back trying self induction; fortunately, she had not damaged her solenoid. The two took off on his megacycle and ro...

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I have a mixed feeling about shaggy dog stories.

On one hand, I enjoy them a lot. A joke that takes that much of a setup and has such a tiny payoff is great, not only because the former is disproportionately larger than the latter, but because it can be so anticlimactic it's downright silly. It's a great kind of joke to tell unsuspecting people, e...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The number of occupants exceeds the maximum allowable number for fire safety, and thus the bartender throws them out.

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Hair-lip and his boat

Long one but a good one, dad told this one the best. You have to do the red neck voice for maximum effect.

Joe is at a bar having a drink, when his red neck friend Billy comes in saying
"Joe y-y-you need to get yourself a boat, best damn thing I ever did"

"Why's that?"

"Man I...

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