Why do we keep making pennies when the cost to make them is more than their value?

It just doesn't make cents

The calorific value of gasoline is so high that 2.4 litres of it will power you for the rest of your life..

The whole 48 hours of it.

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A guy from Apple promised me a pre-release of a new product if I sucked his cock this morning. As if I would compromise my values for such a materialistic item!

Sent from my iPhone XI

Sometimes a denominator and numerator are very close in value.

But there's a fine line between them.

There's always a queue for piercings at Pirate Bill's tattoo parlour. Great value.

He's a buccaneer

I'm not saying I value sandwiches more than equality.

But my favourite part about LGBT is the BLT bit.

What’s the absolute value of zero?

lol

How do you double Yugo's value?

Just fill the tank.

Did you know: If you say a number loud enough, you increase its value?

For example: 5 equals 5, but

5! equals 120.

My stock portfolio has tripled in value this year

From an initial value of 2 bitcoins, it is now worth 6 bitcoins.

What's the value of a cosigned loan?

It depends on θ, but between -1 and 1.

Mark Zuckerberg values your privacy

at $157 Facebook stock price

Velcro is an item of horrible value

It's a rip-off!

I value my kids more than anything else in my life.

You wouldn't believe how much they go for at an auction.

Undefined values are not useful for opinion polls

0 out of 0 statisticians agree.

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Roy Moore says he’ll bring “Alabama values” to Washington, but I’m not so sure. I mean, he sexually assaulted teenage girls...

But he wasn’t related to any of ‘em!

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In the South, we value diversity.

We want you to feel included, whether you're homophobic, Islamophobic, or just a racist.

If shops sell things at 3.14 times their actual value

They are Pirates.

They say that Republicans no longer embody the Christian values they preach...

That's a little unfair if you ask me. They follow the golden rule perfectly. Whoever has the gold, rules.

Bitcoin's value is getting lower and lower

I haven't seen something drop so fast since Logan Paul's career

What is mathematicians least favorite constant value?

Pai

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Value of a season ticket!

A woman was reading a newspaper one morning and said A her husband,

'Look at this, dear. There's an article here about a man who traded his wife for a season ticket to Arsenal. You wouldn't do a thing like that,-would you?'

'Of course I wouldn't!' replied her husband. 'The season's alm...

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Can you please tell me a rough value of your book collection?

Of course, $4600, you motherfucker

What do you call a binary value that eats right and exercises?

A fit bit

I took my metal detector to the beach today expecting to find antiques of great value.

Beach better have my money

Have you ever wondered what happened to the value of elon musk's tesla after it went into space?

It skyrocketed!

The value of a mule.

A used car salesman retired and moved to the country. He bought a yearling stallion and a couple mares. He thought his pastoral life was pretty sweet, until the stallion started misbehaving. So, he asked his neighbor down the road what to do.

"You need a mule." the old farmer said.
"Will t...

What do call a cabinet that you constantly put money into yet it gives you nothing of value in return?

L. Ron Cupboard

Amazon supposedly paid 30% over the market value for Whole Foods.

It was so unexpected of Whole Foods to offer them a discount.

Why did the integer stop multiplying with other integers of equal value?

He was Squared Straight.

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Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values...

Stuart said, “I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?” Leroy replied, “I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?

Have you heard about McDonald’s new Hillary Clinton Value Meal?

Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

This is the Internet, and on the internet you are entitled to your opinion, and we value it...

...but it's wrong.

Two brothers, John, and Bob, live in America and are members of the communist party.

They decide to emigrate to the USSR.

Even though they don't believe the American media's negative reports on the living conditions, shortages and persecution in the USSR, they decide to exercise caution.

First, only John would go to Russia to test the waters. If, contrary to the medi...

Ted Cruz takes his religious values very seriously

He always pulls out before finishing

A joke from the old man at value village

Man: Where are you from? Originally?

me: *hometown*

Man: you know, you can't take a picture of a man with a wooden leg there.

Me: why's that?

Man: because wooden legs can't take pictures!

I was in line at the local value village (thrift store), probably looking pre...

The value of two quarters

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the...

A frog walks into a bank

A frog walks into the bank and points at the nearest teller. "You! What's your name?"

"It's Patty," says the teller.

"Last name?"

"Whack. Can I help you?"

"Yeah," the frog says. "My dad is Keith Richards and you're gonna give me a loan. I need $3,000 before I leave to...

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

The Value of Wisdom

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth."

Reflecting on his life, the man says, "I'l...

A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were pretty and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later,...

Why does everyone find the absolute value of zero so funny?

l0l

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The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn'...

Bernard the IT Guy

There's an IT guy in our office, Bernard, quite a shy bloke who doesn't really interact with other people all that much. So much so that his entire team went out together and left him behind. They didn't mean to exclude him, but they just kind of forgot to invite him.
So there's Bernard sittin...

The Geography of a Woman

The Geography of a Woman

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is li...

So my math teacher asked me to do an initial value problem...

...and I said, "Y Naught?"

Halfway through his birth, I realize that my son was at his peak trading value...

At that point, he was new, in box

“Great rewards come to those who wait.”

A young man, soon to be a father, is visiting his dad’s deathbed the month before his future child is to be due. His mother, having died years prior, left him distraught beyond comprehension.

The young man’s father, riddled with cancer, breathed his last few words to his only son before he mo...

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John was a boy who sent a letter to Santa Claus.

As soon as the letter arrived in the mail, the mailmen, as having no one to send the letter to, decided to open it. In said letter, John stated that he did not want gifts but $ 200 to buy medicine for his mother who was very sick.

He also said that he was poor, but hardworking, and that he h...

Beware the Bacon Tree.

Two men wanted to be the first ones to cross a large desert near their home town. Everyone who has ever tried had either returned exhausted and near death, or hadn't returned at all. Because of this, the men knew that they needed to seek guidance. They had heard of a shaman who would give advice to ...

A struggling artist stops by the studio where his recent work is hanging for sale.

The owner tells him he has good news and bad news.



“The good news is that a man dropped by the studio today and put in an offer to buy every single piece. He just wanted my guarantee that the works would be worth twice what he paid if you were to pass away. I told him they would doubl...

Perplex Numbers

I was talking to my physics professor the other day, and some theoretical work he did with tachyons came up. A tachyon travels faster than light, and in order to use some of the math from special relativity, one had to define what he called "perplex numbers"--numbers with negative absolute value. He...

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Reigniting the flame

A couple in their 80s is sitting around enjoying another quiet Friday night. The gentleman had lost interest in sex many years ago, but his loving wife still attempts to reignite their flame from time to time. She has an idea that just might work. She just needs to add some shock value. So she g...

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Famous people answer the ubiquitous question, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

**TEACHER**: To get to the other side.


**PLATO**: For the greater good.


**ARISTOTLE**: It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.


**SOCRATES**: Why do you think the chicken crossed the road?


**HIPPOCRATES**: Because of an excess of phlegm in i...

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A Jewish rope merchant from New York was trying desperately to sell some of his goods in Louisiana. But wherever he went, he kept encountering Anti-Semitism.

In one particular department store, the buyer taunted him:

“All right, Jew. I’ll buy some of your rope. As much as reaches from the top of your big Jewish nose to the tip of your little Jewish penis.”

Two weeks later, the buyer was startled to receive a shipment containing ten thousand...

Yo mamma is so......

Nice, I highly value the talks we’ve had.

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Missionary

A missionary is sent into deepest darkest depths of Africa to
live with a tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching
them to read, write and good Christian values. One thing he
particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin. "Thou must not
commit adultery or fornication!"
One d...

Self depreciation is the best type of depreciation

Because you don't lose anything of value.

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head...

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head... he sits down at the bar and the bartender says "WHOA! How did you get a lemon for a head?" The man replies "if you pour me free drinks all night, I'll tell you the story" the bartender agrees and starts to pour him a drink. The man starts to te...

What is Donald Trump's favorite Pink Floyd album?

Dark side of the Moon, for it's eclectic instrumentation and higher than average production values.

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A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, ...

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...

How is number π like the Bible?

Both are believed to contain all the wisdom mankind will ever have.

Most people think that one of them has a proven value. While the other is irrational.

A man walks by a small store and sees a cat drinking out of a valuable saucer.

He recognizes the saucer's value, and he immediately wants to add it to his collection. However, he is sure that the store owner doesn't know that the saucer is valuable, or else she wouldn't let the cat drink from it, and he doesn't want her to find out and charge him for the full value. So he walk...

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A mom is setting up a chore-list for her kids...

She gets halfway through the month and realizes she has just one sticky note left. With plenty of time before she has to pick up the kids from school she decides to head over to office depot.
She arrives and is greeted by the doorman, Tom. Very polite local who she went to school with, tom is a ...

Women are not the property of men.

Properties value goes up as it age.

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The Physics Student

Some time ago, I received a call from a colleague who asked if I would be the referee on the grading of an
examination question. He was about to give a student a zero for her answer to a physics question, while the student
claimed she should be given a perfect score and would, if the system we...

In love and war.

A couple is going through a bitter divorce. The mans prize possession: baseball collectibles valued at $10000. Everyone knows, his spouse is entitled to half, in lieu of splitting his prized collection, he offers 8k cash. Out of spite she denies the offer and insists the collection be split. She too...

I call my wife Bambi

She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes. But it's really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

**Edit:** Some people have accused me of "being a plagiarist" and "stealing other's jokes"... Their words, not mine...

*Pause for comedic value*
<...

I prefer meet-ups with my wife at 12.59pm

Cos I really value that 1-to-1 time

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Having been propositioned by a well defined and uptown prostitute one evening, a successful single gentleman agreed to have consensual sex with the young lady for the sum of $500.00.

After the evening ended the gentleman handed the young lady $250.00. The prostitute immediately demanded the balance and threatened to sue if she didn't get it. "That's a laugh!" the man stated, "I'd like to see you try." A few days later the man was surprised to receive a summons ordering him...

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Joe received a package in the mail with a few stamps on the front. Always the notorious scrooge, Joe peeled off the already used stamps, and then proceeded to stick them onto his own letter.

Upon being handed the mail, the mailman knew exactly what Joe had done, and proceeded to punch him in the face until Joe was rendered unconscious. He was rushed to the ER and pronounced dead the next morning.

At his funeral, many tears were shed and eulogies given. As the ceremony was comi...

A Native American chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant.

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief ...

In a job interview I said, "Last week I only killed 33 people on Call of Duty. Just last night I killed 72."

"What...does that have to do with anything?" asked the guy.

I said, "Well, you asked me if I value progression."

A man ends up in a 30-year coma.

After waking up, he receives a phone call from his bank.

He hears: "Dear Mr. Johnson, we are sorry to say that due to recent economic events, the total value of your investment portfolio is $950 billion."

The man, thrilled to hear that, goes to the hospital bar to get a coffee as soon ...

My heart is like a diamond

Cold, hard and has it's value artificially inflated because of a few select individuals

Husband leaves letter for wife

My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the eveni...

A farmer from the midwest was trying to sell his farm so he could retire in Florida.

The farm had been on the market for several months with no prospects until a man stopped and asked about the place.

The farmer explains that there were 1,000 acres half farmable and the other half beautiful timber with a trout stream and a small pond full of small mouth bass.

The man...

Happy Pi Day

Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π.

Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?

Me: Not as far as anyone can tell.

Why do quantum computers make terrible community leaders?

Because you're never totally sure what values they hold.

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Donald Trump.

I heard this was the subreddit for old jokes that aren't funny and won't die.

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______________________________________________________
**Edit:** My goal (reddit bucket list type thing) was to create an organic, original,...

There are two kittens sitting on a steep roof. Which one falls off first?

the one with the smallest *mu*

.

.

.

.

.




**Preemptive explanation:**

Coefficient of friction. The coefficient of friction (COF), often symbolized by the Greek letter µ (pronounced *mew*), is a dimensionless scalar value which describes the...

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Johnny gets a long weekend

On a Thursday near the end of the day a teacher tells the class that whoever can name the person who said a famous quote could have Friday off.

Teacher "Ok class, who can tell me who said 'There is nothing to fear but fear itself'?

Sally excitedly shouts "FDR!"

Teacher "Thats c...

Our problems are like diamonds

we inflate their value because we don't understand how many they have in Africa

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Two alcoholics are drinking at a bar

It's Tuesday, and they've been there the day before as well.

One of them asks

"George, what are we doing here?"

"I don't know Robert, maybe it's because we made the wrong choice when we were young, maybe we got too involved in drinking and not enough in studying, and know it's t...

I'm seeing a therapist to help with my kleptomania.

I've been taking something of value away from every session.

King Arthur must depart to the battlefield.

He requests that the Knights of the Round Table remained within the castle walls in order to protect its citizens should an attack arise. Skeptical of his Queen's loyalty, and the men's self-control, the King asks Merlin to cast a spell on her.

*Should anyone lie with this woman in bed,
th...

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A bad smell follows the bastard

A woman came home from work one day, and her husband of fifteen years had a rather dramatic message for her: he wanted a divorce.

Understandably, she was quite devastated by the news, and to make matters worse he demanded she move out of their home before the end of the month. He offered her ...

People tell me my pet rock is worthless...

but I think it has sedimental value.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Suicide Attempt

A Texan looked up at the top of a tall building and discovered a man ready to jump off and end his life.

"Stop," he yelled, "Remember you're someone who has value!"

The man yelled back, "I just lost everything of value in the stock market!"

"But remember you're important to your...

What's the difference between Amy Schumer and a bank robber?

A bank robber steals something of value.

A missionary is treading the dangerous jungle...

He's been walking for weeks and has suffered mosquitoes, mud slides, leeches, dysentery and of course the unbearable heat and humidity. He's exhausted but in a few days he'll reach his destination.

Suddenly, a huge tiger leaps up from the bushes right in front of him. She's clearly hungry and...

Einstein and Newton are in a bar...

...Einstein says to Newton, "I've found mathematically that as an object travels faster and faster, it experiences time lower and is squished in the direction parallel to the velocity, when viewed from a stationary perspective."

Newton replies "Interesting. Well, do go on."

Einstein ex...

A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”

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What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

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On Friday, an elementary school teacher poses her students a challenge...

"If you can tell me who said the following quote, they don't have to come to school on Monday: 'We have nothing to fear, but fear itself'"
A hand shoots up and little Billy Tran says "Franklin Delano Roosevelt".
"Correct, Billy. You can have next Monday off" the teacher replies.
"I'm ...

So much for privacy...

Google: We really value your privacy

Twitter: We’d never collect anything

Apple: We securely encrypt everything on-device

Facebook: Literally gives you an ad for something you dreamt about

I found $27 in loose change in my girlfriend’s PT Cruiser, but she was visibly upset.

She said I cut the resale value in half.

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits of their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

Some cultures use different parts of the body to represent different numbers.

If you don't know these aspects of the culture, you may not value the people. But I find you can count on them once you get to know them better.

A man dying of cancer asks his wife if she will re-marry...

Wife: I suppose I will

Husband: Do you think your next husband will drive my truck when I’m gone

Wife: Well, the truck is an asset to the family and helps get chores done so I think so yes.

Husband: That makes sense... what about my clothes? What will you do with them?
...

It was my very first day...

Fresh out of college and excited to begin my new career. My name plate, golden, shiny, and positioned perfectly on new desk, "Patricia Mack, Loan Officer"

As I sat at my desk waiting for my first-ever customer, an old man walked in with a Labrador Retriever by his side. The man sauntered up t...

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