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Odd Jokes

I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?” Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained...

“Because...he’s my newt!"

A blonde is going door to door trying to find some paying work She knocks on one door and an older man opens it up. "Hey mister, do you have any odd jobs I could do for cash?"

He looks her up and down and surmises that she's an idiot whom he can take advantage of.

"I'll give you ten dollars if you paint my porch. There's paint, brushes, ladders and everything you'll need next to the car in the garage."

"Sure, sounds great!"

The man closes the door, ch...

Mr. T had a rare form of cancerous lymphoma that affected T-cells. Do you know what the odds are on that?!

One in 26.

Odd how you can only send mail during the day.

They are called post office hours, after all.

Mahatma Gandhi often walked barefoot which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

I got in a fight with 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me!

A polish man finds a magic lamp that has a genie.

Its the usual schtick, 3 wishes and all. So the man says to the genie, I want for a horde of mongolians to come to my country, kill and pillage, and go home.

The genie thinks this is odd, but obliges. The mongolians make it to the farmlands at the border, kill and pillage, then return home....

I met someone with halitosis last night. He had some strange ideas but, oddly enough,

everything he said made scents

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I posted an ad looking for someone to do odd jobs for me.

A guy replied, offering to jerk me off with his feet, armpit, or elbows.

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A guy was shopping when he saw a gorgeous woman who looked oddly familiar.

"Hello," said the guy. "I think I've seen you somewhere before."

"You have seen me before!" replied the woman. "You're the father of one of my children."

The guy thought for a while and said, "I remember you now! You're that stripper from my bachelor party. I got drunk, and made passio...

I just realized that the word “seven” has ‘even’ in it.

That’s odd.

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It's odd that Thelma & Louise spend an entire film challenging sexist stereotypes,

then die at the end because of their terrible driving.

You have three cups of coffee and 20 sugar cubes? How do you put an odd number of sugar cubes into each cup of coffee using all 20 sugar cubes.

1 cube in the first cup, 1 cube in the second, and 18 in the third because 18 is an odd number of sugar cubes to put in coffee.

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Guy with an Orange Penis

Guy with an Orange Penis goes to the Drx and says "Doc, my penis turned orange"

The Doctor says " that's odd. Have you changed your behaviors recently, or diet, or is there an increase of stress in your life?"

Guy replies back " No, No, and no"

The Doctor says " Ok that's odd. N...

The library books…

There once was a woman who usually took her young son to the library, and helped him pick out books. One week she was busy, so she dropped him off, and said he could pick some books while she shopped. After running her errands, she returned to the library and picked him up. On the way home, the woma...

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A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."

So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.
They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as...

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”



"Because…He’s my newt.

Why do white girls always travel in odd numbers?

Because they literally can’t even.

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A man had just recently gotten into woodworking. He had made a nice table, some chairs, and a few other things around the house

One day, his wife came up to him and asked if he could try to make her a dildo.

He found the request to be a bit odd, but being the great husband he is, he agreed.

He spent a long time sanding and coating it, because, well… splinters.

After several days of tedious work on this...

I hired an odd man to do eight jobs for me.

When I got back, he’d only done jobs one, three, five, and seven.

There was a mohel who had the odd habit of keeping the foreskins in a box in a closet.

One day he noticed that they'd naturally tanned into very supple leather, so he took the boxful to a bag maker, to see if anything could be done with them. The craftsman told him to return in a month.

When he did, he was presented with a shaving kit.

"All of that leather, and this was ...

I was sitting at the bar arranging peanuts into piles of 1, 3, 5 and 7.

The bartender asked me if I was trying to set up some odd joke. I told him “No, but I would have done that in my prime.”

There was a man once who was named "Odd"

He hated his name because he was bullied due to his name in School. His whole life he had to endure people making fun out of him. When he was old and on his death bed, he told his children that his headstone should not have his name and should be blank. After he died, his children fulfilled his wish...

A general noticed that one of his soldiers was behaving oddly since some days.

The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say,

"That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge...

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A man and his raccoon

I was out drinking the other night and a man and his pet raccoon walk into the bar. It's about 7pm, in a near empty dive bar. Seemed a bit odd but as I watched I could tell they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts. As the night go...

My teenage daughter is really acting odd..

She can’t even

Pepito was the dumbest kid in his classroom…

Pepito wasn’t a very bright kid. He often failed his tests and annoyed his teachers. One day, his teacher, Ms.Emily, told him he had one last chance to do well. Pepito took a test, but inevitable failed. Ms.Emily expelled him from school and told him he was the dumbest kid she had ever met. She made...

odd one out.

Which is the odd one out.?

a pound of beef mince.

a pound of soya mince,

or a vibrator.?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.Answer the beef mince, the other two are meat substitutes.

There once lived a Mr. Wrong

Since he was a wee lad, Mr. Wrong had it tough. He was a bright, brilliant young boy, but to his mother he would never be enough. Worse still, she'd make all sorts of outlandish statements to rub it into him that he would never amount to anything.

Mr. Wrong was tenacious though, as he'd delib...

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Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

A Joke my kid told me

A guy goes to buy a notebook at the stationery shop. He finds a good one wrapped in plastic for $10, so he takes it up to the counter. The cashier rings it up, but tells the guy no matter what, not to look at the last page. The guy thinks it’s an odd thing to say, but pays the $10 and takes the note...

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A man hook up with a girl at a bar.

When they get to his place and get in the bedroom, he can't get it up. Hes having whisky dick. She asked him to stick his big toe in her pussy. He does and wiggles his toe around for a bit. They were both really drunk and out of it at this point and eventually passed out. When he woke up in the ...

only 3 days into 2023 and I can already tell

It's going to be an odd year

Noticed something very odd when reading the obituaries yesterday…

everyone is dying in alphabetical order!

I chose not to put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay...

... because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about...

My teen daughter is acting really odd.

She can’t even. It’s causing a family divide. We’ve got to figure it out before our problems multiply.

This guy walks into a bar...

...bellies up to the bar and orders a beer. The place is mostly empty, just him at the bar, and he's been there a short while when in walks a gorgeous brunette. She looks around, not seeing him and then marches straight to the back of the joint and sits down at a corner table in the back with a cru...

John was attending his buddy’s wedding and everything was normal…

The ceremony was at a beautiful church in the countryside, the officiant gave an insightful speech on the meaning of marriage, and the bride and groom were beaming throughout the whole thing. John couldn’t have been happier for his friend.

After exchanging vows, the bride and groom announced ...

Pearly Gates Pontiff

The Pope died and went to heaven, where he was greeted by St. Peter. “Welcome,” St. Peter said, “let me show you around.”

St. Peter showed the Pope the streets of gold, choirs of angels, and so many wonderful things. At last, they came to a verdant meadow with a quaint cottage overlooking a l...

You know what seems odd to me?

Numbers that aren’t divisible by two

i was in Jerusalem for a holiday

Needing my cuppa of java i wandered into a cafe and was served by a male barista. I found it odd that there were no female Baristas so i made it a point to keep a lookout for them across the holy land.

From Starbucks to coffee club, from hipster cafes to neighborhood coffeehouses, not a femal...

I’m in an army of even numbers

It’s a battle against the odds

20 minutes

Late at night, a cop was driving past a well known lover’s spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light on.

The cop drives up to the car, to get a closer look.
He sees a young man behind the wheel, browsing his phone, and a young woman in the rear seat, also browsing her phone....

An odd joke

Once there was a guy whose parents named him Odd. All through school, Odd was made fun of for his odd name. Eventually, as an grown man, he found a beautiful woman to marry and raise a family with. During a summer day in their 70s, Odd told his wife as they sat in the living room that he had never l...

You know what’s odd?

Every other number

I’ve been getting some odd pop up ads recently:

“Hot older men in your area want to know if you’ve been messing with the thermostat”

What did the Ancient Egyptians call the pharaoh who farted oddly?

Toot Uncommon

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An odd funeral...

A guy is just coming out of the store when he sees an unusual funeral procession moving down the road. In front is a black hearse, which is followed at a respectable distance of about 30 feet by another, slow moving hearse. Behind the two walks a man with a dog. And some twenty feet behind him is...

Two elves are winding down in the North Pole bar after a long day of making toys.

After downing some shots of peppermint schnapps, the first elf says to the second, “That COVID outbreak in China has really messed up the toy production schedule. I don’t think Santa has ever pushed us so hard!”.

The second one added, “Yeah, things were so bad today that Rudolph and Blitzen...

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.".

Well . . . you'll love this story..

from a lady called Claire

"My name is Claire..
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark...

Oddly Specific Historical Humour

Below is the program for the November 7th, 1917 performance of the Bolshoi Ballet:



Dance

Dance

Revolution

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Nick had always wanted to own a motorcycle, which is why he leapt at the chance when a friend of a friend was selling his bike

The bike, despite being old, was in immaculate condition.

"How do you keep it so pristine?" asks Nick.

"Oh, it's easy! Any time it's about to rain, I just coat the body with vaseline, and the rain and mud just slips right off! Here, I'm not going to need it anymore, why don't you take ...

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Little Johnnie Strikes Again

A new grade school teacher was trying to get acquainted with her class, by asking them what their parents did. She started with Billy, who said that his mother was a doctor.

"Very good, Billy," the teacher said. "Mary, I believe you're next."

Mary stood and said, "My daddy's a lawyer...

So far, 2019 seems odd.

Like every other year.

A man goes into a bar. The bar has a huge menu of odd drinks, most of which he doesn’t recognize. He sees one called ‘old reliable’, and figures that is a safe choice.

He says to the bartender, “I will have an old reliable.“

Bartender says,”one old reliable coming up.“ The man got his drink, takes sip of it. He then says, “good God, that drink is terrible.“ And the bartender says to him, “That’s right. Glass, after glass, after glass . . . .”

A navy officer on a submarine was doing his rounds and noticed something odd...

There was what looked like a frying pan handle sticking out of the floor of the sub! The officer did some more looking around, and saw more strange things sticking out of the floor: golf clubs, clothes irons, car bumpers, and even half a bicycle!

Alarmed by this, he went up to the sub command...

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Given the words 'wife', 'odds', 'egg', and 'blowjob' which one doesn't fit the category?

Ans: (First, change the above term "wife" to "traffic" so that the good people are happy.) Blowjob. You can beat an egg, you can beat the odds, you can beat the traffic, but you can't beat a blowjob.

There was a man named John Odd

There was this man named John Odd, and he hated his last name.

People constantly made fun of it, called him and his wife "The Odd couple", named him "The Odd man out" wherever he went, all that.

So he's getting older and writes out his will. And in the will he says when he dies he doe...

What’s the odd one out?

A. Flour
B. Yeast
C. Royalty
D. Meat

D. Meat because it’s usually not “in bread.”

Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?

A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.

"Our chance of survival..." "Never tell me the odds!"

"...is \_2.\_6\_%"

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a odd-job man and started with a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. ...

I traveled to London this year to take part in Europe's largest chess tournament and was destroyed in the first round by this European guy with an odd accent. I waited until the end of the game to ask him about where he was from and what kind of accent he had...

He responded: "Czech, mate!"

A 50-year-old lawyer who had been practicing law since he was 25 died suddenly in his sleep.

When he gets to the Pearly Gates, the lawyer says, "There must be some mistake. I was 50, that's too young to die."

St. Peter looks in his records and says, "That's odd. By adding up the hours on your billing documents, you should be 83 by now."

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of the finest whiskey...

...the bartender looks at him a bit weird since he's alone, but pours the man a shot. The guy says, no, I'd like them all lined up, ready to go. The bartender this this is a bit odd, but the bar is empty, and figures, why not, this guy probably had a rough day or something. The man starts with the f...

The pig with wooden legs

A man drove by a farm every day on his way to work, and he always saw a pig in the front yard.

One morning on his way in, he noticed the pig had a wooden leg. It was odd, but he put it out of his mind. A couple of weeks later, he saw the pig had a second wooden leg. No longer able to contain ...

Geometry teachers are oddly obsessed with communism

they are always talking about marks and angles

Math joke : Should you say "All prime numbers are odd except one",

or "All prime numbers are odd except two ?"

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

My wife has an odd way of starting conversations.

She always begin by saying "Hey, are you even listening?"

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a s...

Hired an odd-job man the other but he was useless

Gave him eight jobs to do but he only did 1,3,5 and 7

There was a man named Odd.

There was a man whose name was Odd. He wasn't sure why his parents had given him that name but it had caused him problems all his life and he never liked it. As he grew older he grew to like his name even less and one day he was sitting talking with his wife and said "Honey you know that I have neve...

Why do bugs have odd beliefs?

They're in sects.

Oddly both my iq test and my Corona test came back with the same result

Negetive

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

"Wow, that’s a relief,” says the pixie, “I’ve been in there a...

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One day Gary went into the local tattoo parlor with a somewhat odd request.

He had this great new girlfriend named Wendy , he explained , and while their sex life was dynamite , he was sure it would be even better if he had her name tattooed on his prick . The tattoo artist did her best to dissuade him , pointing out that it would be very painful and that most of the time t...

The bagel my wife gave me tasted very odd

She said it was quim cheese.

I hired an odd-job man and gave him a list of ten things to do.

He only did 1,3,5,7, and 9.

The odds of getting on a plane with a bomb on it are 950,000 to one -

The odds of getting on a plane with two bombs on it are closer to 700,000,000 to one So, to be safe, I always bring my own bomb.

S. W.

“Did you know that two is the first odd prime?”

“But two is even.”

“That’s what’s so odd about it.”

Back from business trip.

A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase..

"What happened?", she asks anxiously.

"What happened! I'll tell you what happened..
... I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my busine...

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A Blonde woman is walking two dogs, one White and the other Black.

An Old lady walking down the same street notices them and since it's a breed she's never seen before, she's curious and walks up to the woman. "Wow, these dogs are adorable. What kind are they?". The Blonde smiles and goes "Which one, the white one or the black one?".

The old lady is a little...

List all odd integers from 1 to 20

1, 3, 5, 7, George Bush, 13, 15, 17, 19.

Ladies that eat Tide pods should be aware it could negatively affect their chances for a romantic relationship. Odds are likely that it will...

...detergents.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart. But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth. 6 respected 9, even though ...

There were two odd conferences at the same hotel at the same time. One was for camping, the other was for aquatic mammals. They were essentially, more or less, basically, virtually...

...for all in tents and porpoises

so a pirate walks into a bar

The pirate's walking oddly, the bartender looks at him, says 'Do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?' Pirate replies, 'Aye, it's driving me nuts!'

My wife said. “are you even listening to me?” She turned around and walked away. I stared at her blankly and thought “that’s an odd way to start a conversation”

Huh?

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