UPJOKE
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Actual Jokes

It turns out, 'Fox News' has no actual coverage of foxes.

I was also disappointed by BBC news.

Here's an actual joke from my 6 year old

What is the pirates favorite part of the house?



The back-yarrrrrghd!



He was very proud of this joke and wanted to know if it was a good pun.

An unpaid internship is nothing like actual slavery

Slaves are given food and housing.

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

When you are born you actually have 4 kidneys.

But as you get older, two of them turn into adult knees

Chuck Norris actually died four years ago

Death just hasn't worked up the courage to tell him yet.

This was Actually Said..

This was actually said in court and taken from a transcript:

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

Witne...

I witnessed an actual murder in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.

Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my futu...

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[NSFW]I Was Surprised When My deadbeat roommate actually had rent money on time

"Yeah, man, I got a job."

"Doing what?," I asked.

"I hang out in the alley and give blow jobs."

"Sounds like a hard way to make money."

"Nah, man, my very first night I made $300.05"

I scoffed, "Who paid you a nickel?"

He said, "They all did."

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An actual joke that was told by Jews during World War II

An SS man says to a Jew in a concentration camp: "You are to be killed today, but I will give you a chance. One of my eyes is a glass eye. If you can guess which one it is, I will give you your life."

The Jew looks at the SS man and says, "The left one, Herr Corporal."

"That is correct...

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Statistics show that 1 in 5 men in a friend group are actually gay…

I hope it’s Kevin, he’s cute

Actual joke dad said this morning

waitress: How do you like your eggs?

dad: in a cake

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Pollen is actually plant sperm

So that means allergies are Sexually Transmitted Diseases.

Your welcome.

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

Stalin was visiting a town (actual joke from Soviet era)

Stalin was visiting a small town in Russia. Huge crowd was there to receive him, holding signs with words of praise for Stalin, Party, Union etc.

Among them, secret police officers spotted a particularly old man holding a sign saying "Thank you comrade Stalin, for a happy childhood!".
...

I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad

I’m a faux pa.

The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels

Now you know who the best people are

Why aren't Koalas actual bears?

They DO NOT meet Koalafications

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I used to love joking about anal sex until I actually tried it.

Now I'm slightly torn...

I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

Mayweather is actually 54-0

If you count the women

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A driver slows down for a stop sign but he doesn’t actually stop

A cop sees him and pulls him over. The driver says “is there a problem, officer?” The cop said “you just ran a stop sign back there”. The driver said, “what are you talking about? I slowed down.” The cop replied “but you didn’t actually stop.” The driver said “slow, stop, what’s the diff?” The cop r...

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3 reasons Jesus was actually Irish

1. He went out drinking with his buddies the night before he died.
2. He thought his mother was a virgin.
3. His mother thought he was God.

Instead of actual serious spying gear, the Chinese used a balloon. Why?

Because of inflation.

Actually, the past tense is "hanged", as in "he hanged himself"

Sorry about your Dad, though

Here is an actual sign posted in a golf club.

1. Back straight, knees bent.
2. Feet shoulder width apart.
3. Form a loose grip.
4. Keep your head down!
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please...

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This actually happened to me...

A homeless guy once came up to me while I was in downtown Knoxville. He held his hand up, which had obviously been in a horrible accident a long time ago and was missing a thumb and a pinky. He asked, "Why can't you masturbate with this hand?". Not wanting to offend, I said "I'm not sure, why?". ...

Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)

Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.

Student: *raises hand*

Professor: Yes?

Student: 1 Earth

T-shirt is actually short for "tyrannosaurus shirt"

Because of the short arms.

McAfee not dead actually..

He is still running in the background.

Could you imagine if trump actually moved the files from govt servers to a private server?

That would be Hillaryous.

Edit: My first reddit silver! Thank you kindly!

Edit2: reddit gold?! You all are too good to me!

I actually heard this joke in a dream this morning

What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet?

Precubescent

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot ...

I'm thinking about opening up a Swedish restaurant but my chef isn't actually Swedish

Do you think anyone will notice I'm using an artificial Swedener on my food?

A lot of woman actually turn into good drivers

So if you're a good driver watch out.

Donald Trump's plan to build a wall might actually work

The Chinese built a huge wall, and they have almost no Mexicans in their country.

I actually wanted to post a time traveling joke

but you guys didn't like it

Did you know the first French Fries weren’t actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

My atheist boyfriend treats me like an actual goddess

He acts like I don't exist

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Actually happened: I saw a girl at a party who was distraught and crying because she had accidentally swallowed a tongue piercing.

Her boyfriend put his arm around her and said, “This, too, shall PASS.”

If she doesn’t marry him, I will.

I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed

Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.

I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far.



He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of years now and hasn't tweeted them yet.

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There's actually a mathematical formula to describe all the Republicans lining up to pretend like the January 6th attack didn't happen.

It's called the Fibbing Nazi Sequence.

I just found out there's an actual clinical name for when you can't sleep at night and just eat instead

It's called insomnomnomnomia

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A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie.
With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, ...

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One day, an excited young boy is visiting the docks when he meets an ACTUAL pirate!

This pirate is the real deal: parrot on the shoulder, peg leg, eyepatch, hook hand, sword on the hip. You could not imagine a more stereotypical looking pirate.

The boy runs up to him, squealing with delight. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! You’re a real pirate!”

“Aye, laddie,” the ...

My friend, Karen, and I visited a place you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri. Karen opened up that she was actually in a fourth state: crippling depression. I said, "I'm so sorry"

"...but you can't count Missouri twice."

Propellers on small planes are actually used to keep the pilot cool.

When it stops spinning, you can see the pilot start to sweat.

TIL that children that don't get vaccines are actually less likely to be autistic

Cause they're more likely to be dead.

I rely on hotels so much I’ve actually become quite

Inn-dependent

King Charles actually farted in the middle of his coronation, but no one really said anything.

This is because noble gases don't cause a reaction.

Did you know that cows are actually aliens?

They come from the mooooooon

Why do they actually prefer non-swimmers in the Navy?

They defend their ship with a lot more enthusiasm.

Does anyone else realize that baseball is actually illegal?

Hit and run is a felony.

You all need to stop saying Jussie Smollett is not an actual victim.

His acting school clearly failed him.

ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This...

When I noticed “HI” in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend...

Then I saw the next two letters...

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking fine", so that was nice.

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That's actually rude..

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said: "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother: "Don't eat it. I...

My wife and I decided to spice things up and roll play our actual jobs, her a nurse and me a handyman.

She went to bed early from working a double and her feet being sore and I didn’t even show up.

Never thought I would hear an actual funny joke in church

Heard this joke from my priest at church (I live in Kansas City).

A man who lived a lifetime of trouble died and was sentenced to smash rocks in hell to suffer for his sins. One day the devil walked up to the man who was breaking the rocks with ease and asked him how he was doing it so effort...

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I actually got to live through a classic joke!

**This is 100 percent true. **

Yesterday I was using electric hedge trimmers on my front bushes. My right hand was holding the safety handle. My left was holding a knob on the front right by the blades. That hand slipped and I reached out to stop it..... And grabbed the blades, still going....

Best incest joke? It's actually pretty hilarious, but I won't tell you.

We keep it in the family

Just found out that the Oscars is actually a big lie

Those people they invite to their ceremonies are all paid actors

Garbagemen never receive actual training

They just pick things up as they go

My wife told me a joke that I actually laughed at.

A women was in bed with her husbands best friend when suddenly the phone rings. She answered the phone and said to the person have a wonderful time and hung up. The man asks her who was it and she replied that it was her husband, he said that he was at a bar with you.

Actual Russian Joke

Four Russians were being pulled in a sleigh by a team of horses in the dead of winter when they noticed a pack of wolves had started chasing them and were slowly gaining.

They knew they needed to lighten the sled so they drew straws and the one with the shortest straw blessed Russia and leapt...

I actually thought the Titan sub implosion was uplifting news [NSFW]

It was the first time in human history a billionaire had killed a teenager in international waters and the only reason they shared DNA was due to being related.

This actually just happened...

*Wife: I wanna get into coding.

*Me: Oh, that sounds fun. You might even earn some
money on the side while you're at home. What language
did you wana code in ?

*Wife: English. Duh!

The inventor of the umbrella was actually just going to call it brella

But he hesitated

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This actually happened, and I’m sorry if the joke exists, i dont kno about it and I’m proud.

So I was at a bar, for a long long time. And I went to the bathroom to the urinal, and went about my business.

A drunk as hell guy comes in and goes to the urinal next to me to unleash, and says

“Why you holding on to your dick, is it so small you can’t aim?”

And I INS...

What is La-Z-Boy's actual name?

Rick Liner

The soviet union actually made the best bread in the world.

People would stand in line for days just to get a piece of it.

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while she was there she went out to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. 

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back...

None of you actually know what a propaganda is, do you?

It’s when a British person takes a good look at something

did y’all know that gyros are actually really bad for you?

yeah they’re made in greece!

Just waiting for Steve Harvey to come out and say it's actually Clinton

any second now

Scientists have today discovered that dark matter actually does not exist.

The source of the unknown mass in the galaxy was never dark matter, but the result of a calculation mistake.

The scientists admit that they forgot to include your mother in the calculations, and therefor the last (approximately) 80% of the mass in the Milky Way has finally been discovered.

I think Model Trains cast an unrealistic beauty standard on actual trains...

But model trains never eat and real trains are always CHEW CHEW CHEW-ing

I look like a cop but I'm actually a stoner...

I went to the convience store the other day to get rolling papers. I said to the clerk, "Papers, please." He gets upset and yells "Hey man I'm a citizen!"

You know I actually quite like the Burj Khalifa

Despite its many floors.

I actually overdosed on anxiety pills a few minutes ago

I’m not too worried about it

I was on acid and I actually tasted colors.

Tasted a lot like paint.

Now that Donald Trump is actually building the wall, I hear Mexicans are depressed

I'm sure they'll soon get over it

Noone actually dreams in color.

It's just a pigment of your imagination.

A lot of women actually turn into good drivers.

So, watch out for turning women, good drivers. (Edited and improved with necessary comma added.)

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I actually have a good Japanese joke.

Anime'd it myself.

I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania

Now I can't even look myself in the mirror.

You know Darth Vader actually did get married.

Even though he’s kind of a downer she’s much more uplifting… her name is Ella

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A mathematician walks into a bar, actually...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks....

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My wife and I keep on collecting 5k race t-shirts, without actually participating in the races.

It’s our running joke

Not a lot of people know that Robin William’s daughter Zelda was actually named after the Nintendo game.

They just liked the name from the game so much. Perhaps not quite as happy is Zelda's sister, Monopoly.

My wife is actually mad at me for being so excited to see her mother tonight....

The viewing is at 7pm.

I would inform my friend that our "doctors" were actually organ traffickers but...

...I don't have the heart to tell him

My asian parents are actually very supportive of my career path

They let me pick which medical school I'm going to

Well, America actually did it

It Trumped Brexit.

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I just found out explosive diarrhea is an actual thing.

That shit blows.

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I can’t help but think that porn has given me unrealistic expectations of actual sex...

For example, having it with another person.

Trump actually attended Biden's inauguration

He was the crying baby you heard right before Biden took his oath

Actually happened to me.

Sitting in class Monday going over American Sign Language the instructor is explaining the hand position to a fellow student who is blind(er than I am), my hands starts cramping, as I shake it out I can’t stop laughing.

Professor “What is so funny?”

Mr “Do deaf people with arthritis ha...

I tried to sort out wtahtoebucrldazy into an actual sentence

Then I relized “that would be crazy!”

idk about others. but I actually like dad jokes.

for e.g. my dad will come home after buying milk.

Donald and Melania Trump are actually a very sweet couple.

He's her sugar daddy, and she's his arm candy.

The beard (no, not that, an actual beard)

A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would hate me."

"Oh please?" the girlfriend a...

(actual true story) I saw some board games in the middle of the road that must have falled off of a car; the Scrabble box had burst open and there were tiles everywhere.

A case of a wreck tile dysfunction.

Praying mantises don't actually pray, laughing hyenas don't actually laugh, and songbirds don't actually sing.

The name Shih Tzu is accurate though.

Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopaedias.

Source: Wikipedia

Fun Fact: The Mortal Kombat theme was actually inspired by an old European song of praise.

It was a Finnish hymn.

My wife said I look like a Greek god.

Her actual words were "Put your clothes on, we're in a museum" but I know what she meant.

Vampires are actually very successful artists with a common flaw...

Whenever they are doing a face portrait they always stop below the chin...

Whenever they are sketching a figure they always stop at the top of the shoulders....


But this is cuz they suck at necks.

Did you know that you don't actually need a parachute to skydive?

But you do though, if you want to skydive \*again\*.

The actual best knock-knock joke ever.

This is my go-to knock-knock joke.


You: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Friend: Why?

You: To get to ugly’s house —*chuckle like it’s funny*


—*a few seconds later*

You: Knock knock!

Same friend: Who’s there?

You: The chicken.

...

I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook

where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.

My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?

Me: What?

An Actual Event that Happened Before and After My Brain Surgery

I was looking one day before my brain surgery at a picture with all the hospital presidents in the picture.

Cue a few days and after surgery. My neurosurgeon arrived in my patient room and asked me a question to see if my brain was functioning correctly. The question was, “Who was the presid...

[OC] What do you call a moron who’s actually quite smart?

An oxymoron.

I'm the laziest baker ever, so I was actually happy when someone stole my sourdough.

Whoever it was, I'm sure they knead it more than I did.

Why is Donald Trump actually angry about the election outcome?

It's a loss he **can't** write off on his tax returns.

I'm sober now, I've actually only ever tried cocaine once

... for about 12 years

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This actually happened

My school did hybrid in-person and remote classes this year. Some people always zoomed in for reasons, but most people went to school in person when they could. One day when we were in person, our teacher noticed that someone who usually comes in was zooming.

So he asks what's wrong and she ...

Turns out geometry is actually easy...

This is shaping up to be a better school year than I thought it would be

PSA: Dad-jokes are reserved to be told actual fathers. If you don’t have kids of your own…

Telling a dad-joke would be a Faux Pa

So, death isn't actually the most common fear...

... it's public speaking. This means if you were at a funeral, you'd likely rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy.

Amazon doesn't actually drug test their workers.

They just want to make sure everyone can pee into a cup.

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.

Why is coronavirus like Groundhog Day? (The actual day, not the film)

If you stick your head outside and encounter another person, you get 6 more weeks of quarantine.

If you say "gullible" slowly enough, it actually sounds like"oranges"

Give it a try

Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually . . .

encourage you to pick your nose.

When is your door not actually a door?

When it's actually ajar.

When Kim Jong-Un met Donald Trump some questioned whether he could actually speak English

It has now been reported that Trump actually managed several sentences in almost fluent English.

How did I hear about Elon Musk not actually buying Twitter?

A little bird told me

The meaning of the word “oops” is actually highly dependent on context

I learned that when I heard my barber say it and then my brain surgeon later that day

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