The 107+ Best Simple Jokes

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

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My wife, to our therapist: He always misunderstands simple questions.

Therapist, to me: What does she mean?

Me: It’s a feminine pronoun,

A teacher asks her students a simple math question…

“There are 3 birds on a wire, one gets shot, how many are left?”

Little Johnny raises his hand, “there are none left, once the one bird was shot the other two flew away ”

Teacher tells Johnny he is wrong, but she likes the way he thinks.

Johnny then inquired, “may I ask you a qu...

As I was going under for my eye surgery, I heard my doctor say, "It's just a simple eye surgery. Don't worry. You got this, Jeff."

I just barely managed to say, "I'm David, not Jeff."

He said, "I know. I'm Jeff."

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Life is like a penis. Simple, relaxed and hanging around freely.

It's women who make it hard.

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

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I dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink

And Michael had a Penis.

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Simple old man goes to the doctor

The doctor prescribes him a medice and tells him:

"You have to take this through your rectum"

Old man doesn't quite understand, goes back home and asks his wife:

"What's rectum?"

"I don't know, why don't you go ask the doctor"

Back to the doctor's office he tries t...

What's a simple method for calculating the number of bees in a beehive?

Easy. Just count all their legs and divide by six.

People often ask why I’m so good at Dad jokes and it’s simple.

I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.

A simple but funny joke that came from my 100 year old great grandmother last night

She leans in to my mom and says
“When is Mother’s Day?”

My mom thought she was genuinely asking because she forgot, but she then says
“Nine months after fathers night”

If I make you breakfast in bed a simple "thank you" will do.

None of this "how did you get in my house" nonsense.

One time my uncle challenged me that I cant do a simple electrical wiring.

He got shocked after I completed the work.

If you lose your sense of smell due to Covid, here's a simple fix.

Just reset to olfactory settings.

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I can predict your favorite movie with one simple trick..

This math test will determine your favorite movie.
Amazing!
This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be Gone With The Wind. Thats my favorite movie! I was surprised how this worked.
.
Be honest and dont look at the movie list till you have done the math!
.
Try this test and ...

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Trump’s third marriage is successful for one simple reason:

He and Melania agreed to have sex in different locations.

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...

...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

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Simple food?

A number of men gathered in the smoking car of a train were talking of the food best calculated to sustain health.

One stout, florid man, with short, gray hair and a self-satisfied air, was holding forth in great style.

"Look at me!" he exclaimed. "Never had a day's sickness in my lif...

There are 2 simple steps to fool anyone.

Step 1 - promise them a simple trick.

This simple change in lifestyle will help you lose 2 pounds every week!

Just invest in the British stock market

I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"...

...not "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'll call the police!"

There is a simple reason why you should put a PC on the floor...

The PC can not crash this way

Gentlemen, there are three simple rules to winning an argument with your wife.

Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

There's a simple solution to Ukraine crisis!

Send in Canadian troops!

I've heard they like to make a meal of Poutine!

Here’s a simple trick to follow if you are caught in the wilderness without toilet paper.

Just take a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book.

"Conservatives hate this one simple trick...!!!"

*Count every vote.*

I think I discovered a really simple cure for anorexia.

It's a piece of cake.

Reddit seems to have a hard time vetting their employees when a simple search would have been sufficient

Nevermind, they must have tried using Reddit search.

Simple math

My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the eveni...

Here’s a simple way of converting an atheist to a theist.

Just give them a little space.

What you call a group of witches cooking simple recipes?

An Easy Bake Coven!

I hate it when people get simple stuff wrong

I mean, it's not rocket surgery

People keep asking me how I made my first million. Its very simple:

I converted my change into zimbabwean dollars.

The Three Simple Things in This World That Give Me The Most Joy In This Life Are…

Eating Puppies and Not Using Commas Appropriately.

Simple cure for ED...

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an mysterious medicine man living nearby who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the location on the certificate and saw this medicine man....

Simple mathematics

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old.

One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me.

I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't ...

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A simple farmer wanted his pigs to have younglings

He tried to get the pigs to mate, but the females wouldnt.

He asked his neighbour for advice. The neighbour said that if he has sex with the pigs they would soon agree to mate with the male pigs.

He didnt like the idea but he needed the younglings. So he starts the next day. He takes t...

Listen, I'm a simple man

I see Medusa, I

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Remember, there’s a simple mnemonic device to remember month length: “30 days hath September; April, June, and November. All the rest have 31,

Excepting February, who can fuck off, son.
Pay the same bills but get less time
And guess if you get 28 or 29.”

Why are simple jokes like a common cold?

Because everyone gets it.

99% of people can do simple math operations.

I belong to the other 2%.

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A good joke should have unexpected turns, cross a few lines, keep you on the edge of your seat, make you wonder how the hell it's all gonna end and may even make you piss yourself. Pretty simple guidelines.

I try to use them when I make jokes. My wife tried to use them when she drove me to work today.

I was playing SimplePlanes on my phone

I made a nice jet, but for some reason it didn't seem to work well. But then I realized

I didn't have airplane mode on

I went to the store and got arrested because of a simple misunderstanding.

When the lady at the register said strip down facing me, it turns out she was talking about my credit card.

A simple joke for Starwars fans

Where do Sith lords go shopping?

The Darth Maul

A young teacher confronts her math class of young kids with a simple question: “Three birds are sitting on a tree when a hunter comes and shoots one down, how many birds are left on the tree?”

“None!” shouts a boy across the classroom.

“Come here” says the teacher while the kid is approaching her through the weird looks of their classmates. The teacher calmly repeats the question again this time holding three fingers up for the sitting birds and removing one for the hunter’s victim...

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A blonde boards a plane, flying economy...

Once the plane has taken off, and the seatbelt signs have turned off, she gets up, takes her stuff, and moves a few rows forward to an unoccupied first class seat.

One of the cabin crew approaches her, and politely says "excuse me madame, but you can't sit here. This is a first class seat, an...

Simple way to explain a bidet

Water go shooty shooty at your booty booty

People like to say that popular music today is so simple, but it's actually always been this way.

After all, Nina Simone is most famous for a 10 minute song about cinnamon.

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Simple

Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says to the other "Getting pretty hot in here"
The other says, "Holy Fuck a talking muffin!"

I've created a simple and cheap period tracker

There it is -> .

Most iPhone owners don't know this one simple trick to save hundreds.

Buys android *

An ex husband an ex wife are in court fighting in a bitter custody battle over their child.

The judge asks the woman: "Why do you feel you deserve custody?"

The woman says: "I brought that child into this world. My child literally came out of me! That is why I deserve custody."

The judge nods his head, and says "That is a simple and logical reason. It makes sense."

The...

It’s so simple to be wise.

Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.

I think it would be pretty simple to send 5G conspiracy theorists to space

Just tell them there's Zero G

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

It ticks me off whenever A European is confused about not being charged for extra refills when the answer is so simple...

Land of the free.

A man walks into a bar

He orders a Martini, takes out the olive, puts it on the table and drinks it. Then he orders another one, again taking out the olive and drinking the Martini. And again, and again, and again…

At the tenth Martini, the bartender becomes curious and asks: “Why are you always taking out the oliv...

Asking your crush out is easy and can be done with two simple questions: 1. "Would you go out with me?"

2. "Why not?"

Simple solution to the coronavirus test shortage:

Hook people up to lie detectors and ask them if they have the virus

I think my anime jigsaw puzzle was too simple. It was...

...One Piece

My girlfriend is a just a simple whiskey maker.

But I love her still.

This simple test revealed if people were able to resist clickbait or not.

You failed.

My air conditioning system is very simple to operate

It's a breeze.

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice...

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl...

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

"It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, ...

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AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!)

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES,...

How to get into any bank/store etc without getting arrested with this one simple trick

Walk through the front door during business hours.

Keep it simple stupid

Drill sgt. looks at the recruits at basic and says, “I’m going to give you four important words in the Army and you need to make a sentence as quick as possible. The four words are; defense, defeat, deduct, and detail. Pri’ate Johnson, go!” Johnson just stares at the drill blankly. “Boom, you’re dea...

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease ...

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A general, a colonel and a major were having a heated argument on the subject of sex.

The general maintained that sex was 60 percent work and 40 percent fun.
The colonel said that it was 75 percent work and 25 percent fun.
The major thought it was 90 percent work and 10 percent fun.

At the height of the argument, a private appeared at the door. "Let's leave it to him," ...

You can reduce your weight by one simple exercise of shaking your head horizontally.

Do it when you are offered food

Tinder is simple geometry

If you have good lines you'll get good curves

Math made simple:

If you have $20 and your wife has $15, she has $35.

Simple math with Little Johnny

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differentl...

A creationist told me that evolution must be wrong because it violates the second law of thermodynamics

His claim was that in order for simple organisms like bacteria to evolve into much more complex life like fish and mice and horses and gorillas and people, an enormous input of energy would be required, therefore it must be impossible.

I stayed up all night trying to think of something that w...

Simple Math

I'm at work and go to use the Hand Sanitizer. I put 2 pumps in my hands and rub it in. My boss goes, "Why do you use 2 pumps? You only need 1." to which I reply, "Simple math. You use 1 pump and it kills 99.99% of germs, so if you use 2 pumps, you kill almost 200% of germs!"

XD This c...

Fred goes to a doctor.

He says, "Doc, I want to be castrated. "

Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation. "

Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a littlee mbarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5...

A scientist is conducting an experiment to determine whether frogs can follow simple commands.

A scientist is conducting an experiment to determine whether frogs can follow simple commands. He begins with a healthy, four-legged frog, and says, “Jump, frog, jump!”

Right on command, the frog jumps.

He then cuts off one of the frog’s legs says “Jump, frog, jump!”, the frog still ju...

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A simple guide on how politics works

Fuck you

[Pun] Say it in simple English

Chicken: Sir, the chef at this fine establishment is planning to violently seize power and overthrow our government!

Restaurant owner: Can you please say that in simple English?

Chicken: Cookdocoup

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

How do you fit an elephant in the fridge in three simple steps?

* How do you fit an entire elephant in the refrigerator in three simple steps?
* *How?*
* You open the door, you stick the elephant in, and you close the door

* How do you fit a giraffe in the refrigerator in four easy steps?
* *How?*
* You open the door, you take the elep...

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A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...

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When I make you breakfast in bed, fresh eggs benedict, local picked wild flowers and freshly pressed orange juice, get into bed next to you and wake you with soothing classical music, a simple Thank you would suffice....

Not all this how the fuck did you get into my house business.

Simple misunderstanding

This couple are looking to buy a new car. They see this wonderful Honda for a decent price and a salesman shows them around. The couple ask “Cargo Space?” The salesman says “The car? No! This car can’t fly”

John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.

His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?"

"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."

"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.

"Th...

How to get laid in 3 simple steps

* Lay on your bed

* Wait 2 hours

* Lay becomes past tense

When I offer to help you in the shower, I want a simple yes-or-no answer

Not any of this “who are you and how did you get in my house” nonsense.

A company owner was asked a question,

How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"
He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

Christianity is a simple religion, God only asks 2 things from you...

Go to his house once a week and eat his son

When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her

a lot upset

Everything was simple when we were young - it was literally childsplay.

Then we grew up, and moved on to adultery.

Huawei issue is quite simple really

It's either Trump's way or the Huawei.

This year I'm keeping my new year's resolution simple

Everything in 1080p.

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Simple Simon met a Pie-Man on his way to the fair. Simple Simon said to the Pie-Man "What have you got there?" and the Pie-Man said

"Pies you stupid fuck"

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A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

A bunch of insects are having a formal get together and decide to invite a simple drone worker whose sole function is to carry whatever the queen wants back to the colony...

Becoming all excited at the prospect of doing something different he decides to dress himself in the best suit there is but he cannot seem to complete the look with a half-windsor knot.

Such a complicated task required more skilled mandibles so he goes over to his boss but suddenly gets crush...

Simple joke.

Why did the slave go to college?
To go and get his master's degree.

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Simple Truths 1 & 2

SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say,
"Congrats ".
But ...

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him ve...

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Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

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Two Deaf People Get Married

Two Deaf people get married
During 1st week of marrige they found they are unable to communicate in bedroom with the lights out as they can't see each other signing and lipsing.
After several nights of fumbling and misunderstanding they finally came up with a solution
The wife said
Why ...

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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it ...

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

I couldn't think of a way to make a Drake and Josh joke sound simple

But I found a way

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simple rule

Lady 1: "Why is your husband so punctual when returning home from work?"
Lady 2: "I made a simple rule: sex will begin at 9pm sharp, whether he is there or not."

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