UPJOKE
easyplainuncomplicatedunsubdividedsimpletonsimplexobtusestraightforwardnaivecommonhalf-witmerechildlikebareunproblematic

Simple Jokes

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife, to our therapist: He always misunderstands simple questions.

Therapist, to me: What does she mean?

Me: It’s a feminine pronoun,

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life is like a penis. Simple, relaxed and hanging around freely.

It's women who make it hard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Simple old man goes to the doctor

The doctor prescribes him a medice and tells him:

"You have to take this through your rectum"

Old man doesn't quite understand, goes back home and asks his wife:

"What's rectum?"

"I don't know, why don't you go ask the doctor"

Back to the doctor's office he tries t...

A teacher asks her students a simple math question…

“There are 3 birds on a wire, one gets shot, how many are left?”

Little Johnny raises his hand, “there are none left, once the one bird was shot the other two flew away ”

Teacher tells Johnny he is wrong, but she likes the way he thinks.

Johnny then inquired, “may I ask you a qu...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair, says simple Simon to the pie man what have you got there?

Pies you simple bastard!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Simple Pregnancy Test App

You just have to urinate on the sceeen. If the screen gets covered in piss you are not allowed to have kids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink

And Michael had a Penis.

As I was going under for my eye surgery, I heard my doctor say, "It's just a simple eye surgery. Don't worry. You got this, Jeff."

I just barely managed to say, "I'm David, not Jeff."

He said, "I know. I'm Jeff."
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Simple food?

A number of men gathered in the smoking car of a train were talking of the food best calculated to sustain health.

One stout, florid man, with short, gray hair and a self-satisfied air, was holding forth in great style.

"Look at me!" he exclaimed. "Never had a day's sickness in my lif...

What's a simple method for calculating the number of bees in a beehive?

Easy. Just count all their legs and divide by six.
upvote downvote report

People often ask why I’m so good at Dad jokes and it’s simple.

I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can predict your favorite movie with one simple trick..

This math test will determine your favorite movie.
Amazing!
This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be Gone With The Wind. Thats my favorite movie! I was surprised how this worked.
.
Be honest and dont look at the movie list till you have done the math!
.
Try this test and ...

Simple math

My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the eveni...
upvote downvote report

If I make you breakfast in bed a simple "thank you" will do.

None of this "how did you get in my house" nonsense.
upvote downvote report

A simple but funny joke that came from my 100 year old great grandmother last night

She leans in to my mom and says
“When is Mother’s Day?”

My mom thought she was genuinely asking because she forgot, but she then says
“Nine months after fathers night”
upvote downvote report

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...

...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50
upvote downvote report

There are 2 simple steps to fool anyone.

Step 1 - promise them a simple trick.
upvote downvote report

If you lose your sense of smell due to Covid, here's a simple fix.

Just reset to olfactory settings.
upvote downvote report

One time my uncle challenged me that I cant do a simple electrical wiring.

He got shocked after I completed the work.
upvote downvote report

Simple mathematics

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old.

One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband that says, "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me.

I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't ...
upvote downvote report

Simple cure for ED...

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an mysterious medicine man living nearby who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the location on the certificate and saw this medicine man....
upvote downvote report

There's a simple solution to Ukraine crisis!

Send in Canadian troops!

I've heard they like to make a meal of Poutine!
upvote downvote report

This simple change in lifestyle will help you lose 2 pounds every week!

Just invest in the British stock market
upvote downvote report

Listen, I'm a simple man

I see Medusa, I
upvote downvote report

I think I discovered a really simple cure for anorexia.

It's a piece of cake.
upvote downvote report

I hate it when people get simple stuff wrong

I mean, it's not rocket surgery
upvote downvote report

Math made simple:

If you have $20 and your wife has $15, she has $35.
upvote downvote report

"Conservatives hate this one simple trick...!!!"

*Count every vote.*
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Simple

Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says to the other "Getting pretty hot in here"
The other says, "Holy Fuck a talking muffin!"

A 60 year millionaires is getting married. His friends are jealous and one of them ask how he landed such a hot 23 year old blonde beauty...

"Simple", grins the millionaire.

" I faked my age".

His friends are really amazed and ask him what age he told her...

he replies: " I said i was 87"
upvote downvote report

Gentlemen, there are three simple rules to winning an argument with your wife.

Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
upvote downvote report

What you call a group of witches cooking simple recipes?

An Easy Bake Coven!
upvote downvote report

There is a simple reason why you should put a PC on the floor...

The PC can not crash this way
upvote downvote report

A simple joke for Starwars fans

Where do Sith lords go shopping?

The Darth Maul
upvote downvote report

Simple Math

I'm at work and go to use the Hand Sanitizer. I put 2 pumps in my hands and rub it in. My boss goes, "Why do you use 2 pumps? You only need 1." to which I reply, "Simple math. You use 1 pump and it kills 99.99% of germs, so if you use 2 pumps, you kill almost 200% of germs!"



XD This c...
upvote downvote report

Here’s a simple way of converting an atheist to a theist.

Just give them a little space.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A simple farmer wanted his pigs to have younglings

He tried to get the pigs to mate, but the females wouldnt.

He asked his neighbour for advice. The neighbour said that if he has sex with the pigs they would soon agree to mate with the male pigs.

He didnt like the idea but he needed the younglings. So he starts the next day. He takes t...

99% of people can do simple math operations.

I belong to the other 2%.
upvote downvote report

Simple way to explain a bidet

Water go shooty shooty at your booty booty
upvote downvote report

A company owner was asked a question,

How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"
He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."
upvote downvote report

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves, is that, they don't speak the same language.

For instance, take the simple phrase - Secure the building.

The Army would post guards around the place.

The Navy would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Marines would kill everyone inside and set up headquarters.

The Air Force would take out a five year lease ...
upvote downvote report

Simple misunderstanding

This couple are looking to buy a new car. They see this wonderful Honda for a decent price and a salesman shows them around. The couple ask “Cargo Space?” The salesman says “The car? No! This car can’t fly”
upvote downvote report

Keep it simple stupid

Drill sgt. looks at the recruits at basic and says, “I’m going to give you four important words in the Army and you need to make a sentence as quick as possible. The four words are; defense, defeat, deduct, and detail. Pri’ate Johnson, go!” Johnson just stares at the drill blankly. “Boom, you’re dea...
upvote downvote report

Why are simple jokes like a common cold?

Because everyone gets it.
upvote downvote report

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl...

After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

"It's simple" billionaire boasts... "I faked my age"

"Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensational, ...
upvote downvote report

I was playing SimplePlanes on my phone

I made a nice jet, but for some reason it didn't seem to work well. But then I realized



I didn't have airplane mode on
upvote downvote report

Tinder is simple geometry

If you have good lines you'll get good curves
upvote downvote report

Simple joke.

Why did the slave go to college?
To go and get his master's degree.
upvote downvote report

I've created a simple and cheap period tracker

There it is -> .
upvote downvote report

A man walks into a bar

He orders a Martini, takes out the olive, puts it on the table and drinks it. Then he orders another one, again taking out the olive and drinking the Martini. And again, and again, and again…

At the tenth Martini, the bartender becomes curious and asks: “Why are you always taking out the oliv...
upvote downvote report

A creationist told me that evolution must be wrong because it violates the second law of thermodynamics

His claim was that in order for simple organisms like bacteria to evolve into much more complex life like fish and mice and horses and gorillas and people, an enormous input of energy would be required, therefore it must be impossible.

I stayed up all night trying to think of something that w...
upvote downvote report

It’s so simple to be wise.

Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
upvote downvote report

People keep asking me how I made my first million. Its very simple:

I converted my change into zimbabwean dollars.
upvote downvote report

Simple math with Little Johnny

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differentl...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

simple rule

Lady 1: "Why is your husband so punctual when returning home from work?"
Lady 2: "I made a simple rule: sex will begin at 9pm sharp, whether he is there or not."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Teacher asks the students..

"Is it possible to insert 2 holes through one hole?"

Nobody is able to answer

Teacher: "You guys are so stupid. Go and ask your parents and come back tomorrow with an answer."

The next day too, nobody is able to answer the question.

Teacher: "Well, it seems your parents a...

Here’s a simple trick to follow if you are caught in the wilderness without toilet paper.

Just take a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book.
upvote downvote report

Simple solution to the coronavirus test shortage:

Hook people up to lie detectors and ask them if they have the virus
upvote downvote report

I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"...

...not "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'll call the police!"
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!)

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES,...

Reddit seems to have a hard time vetting their employees when a simple search would have been sufficient

Nevermind, they must have tried using Reddit search.
upvote downvote report

[Pun] Say it in simple English

Chicken: Sir, the chef at this fine establishment is planning to violently seize power and overthrow our government!

Restaurant owner: Can you please say that in simple English?

Chicken: Cookdocoup
upvote downvote report

500 bricks on a plane

Q. There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off, how many left?

A. 499

Q. What are the 3 simple steps of putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open refrigerator, put elephant in, close refrigerator.

Q. What are the 4 simple steps of putting a giraffe in a refrigerat...
upvote downvote report

John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.

His buddies are amazed. "There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?"

"It's simple," John says, "I lied to her about my age."

"Did you tell her you were 50?" his friends ask. John shakes his head no.

"Th...
upvote downvote report

My girlfriend is a just a simple whiskey maker.

But I love her still.
upvote downvote report

A man tells a Rabbi: "I have a strong desire to live to eternity"

"Get married," replies the Rabbi.

"It's that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"

"Not really, but the desire will disappear."
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A simple guide on how politics works

Fuck you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Simple Truths 1 & 2

SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say,
"Congrats ".
But ...

My air conditioning system is very simple to operate

It's a breeze.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big city doctor visits an Native American tribe full of men and he asks "How do you guys relieve your sexual tension?"

"Simple, just come down to the river tomorrow and we'll show you." The next day the doctor shows up and sees a group of men near a donkey. One man says "Since you're our guest you get to go first." The doctor not wanting to go against custom starts to kiss, then proceeds to have sex with the donkey....

Huawei issue is quite simple really

It's either Trump's way or the Huawei.
upvote downvote report

The Three Simple Things in This World That Give Me The Most Joy In This Life Are…

Eating Puppies and Not Using Commas Appropriately.
upvote downvote report

I went to the store and got arrested because of a simple misunderstanding.

When the lady at the register said strip down facing me, it turns out she was talking about my credit card.
upvote downvote report

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magi...
upvote downvote report

The secret to good communication is to keep your language simple and direct.

So, never use sesquipedalian words.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A general, a colonel and a major were having a heated argument on the subject of sex.

The general maintained that sex was 60 percent work and 40 percent fun.
The colonel said that it was 75 percent work and 25 percent fun.
The major thought it was 90 percent work and 10 percent fun.

At the height of the argument, a private appeared at the door. "Let's leave it to him," ...

The simple rules of dating

A farmer, Bill, finds out that his three daughters all have dates on the same night. Being protective, as a father is of his girls, he does the respectable thing, and walks to the door each time with his shotgun. At 7pm, the doorbell rings. Bill answers the door and asks the boy there what he wants....
upvote downvote report

A simple explanation

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from ...
upvote downvote report

Simple.

An Irishman walks out of a bar.
upvote downvote report

An ex husband an ex wife are in court fighting in a bitter custody battle over their child.

The judge asks the woman: "Why do you feel you deserve custody?"

The woman says: "I brought that child into this world. My child literally came out of me! That is why I deserve custody."

The judge nods his head, and says "That is a simple and logical reason. It makes sense."

The...
upvote downvote report

Most iPhone owners don't know this one simple trick to save hundreds.

Buys android *
upvote downvote report

I think my anime jigsaw puzzle was too simple. It was...

...One Piece
upvote downvote report

How to get laid in 3 simple steps

* Lay on your bed

* Wait 2 hours

* Lay becomes past tense
upvote downvote report

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him ve...
upvote downvote report

A Simple Guide to Cake Consumption

If it's 1 o'clock and you're not hungry enough to eat the whole cake, eat half of it now and the other half in an hour. You can halve your cake and eat at 2.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice...

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

People in the gym always ask me how I got so big

Being a bodybuilder, people are shocked at how big I am. Many of them ask “how did you get so big?!” I tell them that it’s simple. I
Followed an extremely strict diet of raw oats and milk. Seriously. I ate nothing but raw oats and milk for two years and *literally* doubled in size!


Bu...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A modest country joke [OC]

I once visited a small town. It was a country town. I asked the locals "What is there to do around here?" One of the old timers said "Well, we have a brothel."

So I went to the brothel and asked "how much does it cost?" They answered "Well, these are simple country girls, it costs a chicken f...

This year I'm keeping my new year's resolution simple

Everything in 1080p.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a man with a very long penis,

it was so long that he needed a surgery to end his suffering. so he made an appointment and and got a doctor to do the surgery.
Several days later the guy has done his surgery and now is recovering in the hospital.
So he asks his doctor how did he cut it
The doctor answers “i cut 170 cm and...

This simple test revealed if people were able to resist clickbait or not.

You failed.
upvote downvote report

I think it would be pretty simple to send 5G conspiracy theorists to space

Just tell them there's Zero G
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Deaf People Get Married

Two Deaf people get married
During 1st week of marrige they found they are unable to communicate in bedroom with the lights out as they can't see each other signing and lipsing.
After several nights of fumbling and misunderstanding they finally came up with a solution
The wife said
Why ...

The weather in Saudi Arabia is pretty simple

It's either sunni or shiite
upvote downvote report

People like to say that popular music today is so simple, but it's actually always been this way.

After all, Nina Simone is most famous for a 10 minute song about cinnamon.
upvote downvote report

The secret of quantum teleportation is simple...

...but it's a secret.
upvote downvote report

My abacus is really reliable for simple maths.

You can count on it.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was dating three women and wanted to marry one.

He couldn’t choose between them, so he decided to give them a test. He took $1500 out of the bank and gave each one $500 to see how they’d spend it.

The first spent it all on herself. When he asked why, she said she wanted to look her best for him.

The second spent it all on him. Wh...

A simple operation

A patient is caught running down the hospital halls before his operation by an employee.

"What's the matter?" the employee asked.

The man said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's going to be a very simple operation, don't worry, it will be fine.'"

"Well what's the matter? She was jus...
upvote downvote report

You can reduce your weight by one simple exercise of shaking your head horizontally.

Do it when you are offered food
upvote downvote report

I wanted a simple definition for "inexplicable" means.

But it's really hard to explain.
upvote downvote report

Everything was simple when we were young - it was literally childsplay.

Then we grew up, and moved on to adultery.
upvote downvote report

How do you fit an elephant in the fridge in three simple steps?

* How do you fit an entire elephant in the refrigerator in three simple steps?
* *How?*
* You open the door, you stick the elephant in, and you close the door



* How do you fit a giraffe in the refrigerator in four easy steps?
* *How?*
* You open the door, you take the elep...
upvote downvote report

(original) Know where little people sit on airplanes? Its simple.

Mid-Jet
upvote downvote report

I was visiting a mental hospital

And I asked the director how they know if someone is insane and needs to be committed. He says ‘it’s actually very simple, we fill up a bathtub and offer the patient a bucket, a teacup, and a teaspoon and ask them to empty the bathtub’. ‘Oh I see’ I said, ‘and a sane person would choose the bucket...
upvote downvote report

A scientist is conducting an experiment to determine whether frogs can follow simple commands.

A scientist is conducting an experiment to determine whether frogs can follow simple commands. He begins with a healthy, four-legged frog, and says, “Jump, frog, jump!”

Right on command, the frog jumps.

He then cuts off one of the frog’s legs says “Jump, frog, jump!”, the frog still ju...
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anna complained to her friend Julia how she sometimes found it difficult to initiate sex with her husband.

"I know a simple trick,” Julia said.
“Whenever I want to have sex with Peter, I gently put my hand on his dick and say:
*Your dick is very cold, do you want me to warm it up for you?*
And that's it! Works every time!”
Anna was impressed, and said she would try it when her husband...

Christianity is a simple religion, God only asks 2 things from you...

Go to his house once a week and eat his son
upvote downvote report

How to get into any bank/store etc without getting arrested with this one simple trick

Walk through the front door during business hours.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde boards a plane, flying economy...

Once the plane has taken off, and the seatbelt signs have turned off, she gets up, takes her stuff, and moves a few rows forward to an unoccupied first class seat.

One of the cabin crew approaches her, and politely says "excuse me madame, but you can't sit here. This is a first class seat, an...

Fred goes to a doctor.

He says, "Doc, I want to be castrated. "

Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation. "

Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a littlee mbarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5...
upvote downvote report

Do you know why I don't like simple chord progressions?

They give me the EBGBs.
upvote downvote report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information