The 117+ Best Amount Jokes

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer : Where do they sleep?

Farmer: The Black one or the. White one?

Interviewer: The black on...

Dad had the opportunity to buy his medications directly from the pharmacy company. "Here is your prescription sir, that will be $515 dollars." Dad was a bit hard of hearing so he only heard the $15. He dropped that amount on the counter and left. The clerk yelled "Wait sir, $515 dollars!"

But Dad was already gone so they reported it to the manager. "Should we call the police sir?" "No, $5 profit is better than nothing."

An infinite amount of Mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first orders a pint, the second a half, the third a quarter, and so on. The bartender pours them 2 pints and says, "sort it out yourselves."

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My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."

I told her, "Oh yea... Just you wait."

Edit: She didn't believe in me but thanks to you guys and your amazing support, I can tell her to piss off cause I made something of myself. I'm front page famous.

Well... Not right now but I will!

The amount of people who don't know the difference between to and too

Is two damn high

My teachers told me I would never amount to anything because I procrastinate to much.

I told them, "just you wait!"

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A Japanese business man living in nyc goes into the bank to exchange a large amount of US dollars into Yen....

He does the transaction with the teller, offer a polite bow accompanied by an ‘ah so’, and leaves.

He comes back in a week with another large amount of usd to exchange. This time he gets much less yen. He looks quizzically at the teller and she says to him, ‘fluctuations’!!

He angril...

After years of digging, a gold prospector finally found a small amount of a precious metal

It was a miner success.

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An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartend...

What do you call an area with a large amount of poor Italians?

The Spaghetto

With reddit alienating a large amount of its users, they decided to rebrand.

They're changing it from Reddit to WeBluit

[Long] A mathematician and his infinite amount of friends walk into a bar.

The bartender asks "what will you all be having?" The mathematician then says, "I'll have a beer and my friend will have half a beer, my other friend will have a quarter of a beer. My other friend will have an eighth of a beer, then a sixteenth," etc. This goes on for a while and after about 40 or m...

A man walks into a bar, and orders 10 times the amount of drinks as everyone else.

The barman says "now *that's* an order of magnitude!"

We asked a group of scientists to study what's an acceptable amount of existential dread to experience.

Their response was, "It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things."

The amount of short people with anger issues has always striken me as weird

Specially considering that they are the ones that should be more down to earth

Elton John's gained a notable amount of weight lately.

Goodbye, normal jeans.

My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her.

Lucky guess.

My pop told me I would never amount to anything.

Well jokes on him because I've amounted to nothing.

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A good amount of my friends are nazis...

Zero of them. Zero is a good amount of nazis to be friends with.

I was arrested for having an unhealthy attraction to large amounts of data

They’re calling me a petaphile

I hired a monk to redo my bathroom floors, and he put me under an immense amount of pressure.

It was tile by friar.

I've recently come into a large amount of money

Now it's all stuck together and I regret it

Why does Missouri share borders with the most amount of States?

Because Missouri loves company

My teacher used to tell me that I would never amount to anything by looking out of the window all day

Man did I feel smug as I passed him his burger and fries at the drive-through last night

Why can't the Afghani girl tell everyone the amount of guys she's slept with?

Because there's a Tally ban keeping her from doing so.

Where do you find a McDonald´s Big Mac with a very high amount of lumens per square metre?

In a Lux-em-Burger.

What do you call it when 2 starving people fight over a small amount of food?

MORSEL KOMBAT!

How do you reduce the amount of workers' compensation claims by 25%?

Fire 50% of the workforce.

The low amount of oxygen in mountain-air will make you easily agitated

It's true. My friend moved to the Himalayas and he's had quite the change of altitude!

My math teacher told me that I won't amount to anything because I smoke weed...

But my physics teacher says the higher you are, the larger your potential!

The amount of work it took for me to deliver the joke wasn't worth the final result.

I'm sure my mom can sympathize.

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Why did bruce willis take a lethal amount of viagra?

he wanted to die hard

The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming numbers...

Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.

A waitress at a diner gives a man his check. As he gets up to leave, he puts down the amount for the check plus three cents for the tip. The waitress notices this and approaches him before he leaves.

Waitress: You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left.
Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?

Waitress: This first one tells me that you are very thrifty.
Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.

Waitress: This second one tells me that you ...

How will Trump add yuge amounts of manufacturing jobs?

He will build alternative fact-tories

Because of all the studying, I spend an unhealthy amount of time sitting.

I think I am understanding.

Harry Potter movies should be rated R for the huge amount of cursing.

... i can find the door out.

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They say that every time you have sex it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles

But I think that's bullshit because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.

I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been to Chernobyl...

14.

A contest in South Korea awarded a small amount of money for a large item of food...

A one ton wonton won ten won.

What room in a hospital has the least amount of privacy?

The ICU.

Edited. (I see you)

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A couples therapist believes the amount of sex you have is directly related to happiness, so he decides to test his theory at his next seminar.

He addresses the crowd in attendance and asks "How many couples here tonight have sex once a day?"

To the therapists delight, about half of the crowd raise their hands with wide, toothy grins across their faces.

The therapist then asks "How many have sex once a week?"

Roughly a ...

I buy a TV every year with different amount of pixels

It's my new year's resolution

One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years

Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!

When you call 911 no matter where you are your phone will connect to even the smallest amount of service to get your call through

They use the same idea to make mobile game ads

One night, I did an insane amount of drugs and ended up at the bottom of a multi-species orgy.

I don't know what came over me.

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.

The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring,

"A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the
best solution."

The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and...

PSA: Police are warning against large amounts of fake $1 bills this holiday season

Look out for hot singles in your area.

The amount of new jokes on this sub is ridiculous today.

Just wait 4 years and they will all be reposted.

What’s the least amount of costume needed to convincingly look like a bear?

Bear Minimum

I don't understand why people pay for things with exact dollar amounts...

... It makes no cents.

My teacher used to tell me that I'd never amount to anything.

But ten years later, guess who I saw at mcdonalds? My teacher.

I served him a bic mac with no pickles even tho he wanted extra. Who's laughing now?

Black Widow is just the right amount of hot.

In other words, Natasha Warm Enough.

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My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.

You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.

Which tree has the least amount of education?

A lemon tree

WANTED: Large amount of rats, mice and bed bugs

… as my current rental agreement requires me to leave the apartment in the condition it was when I moved in.

Alexander Graham Bell is always given a huge amount of praise for inventing the first telephone

The credit should really go to whomever invented the SECOND telephone.

I recently came into a HUGE amount of money.

Unfortunately, though, I'm barred from future tours of the Mint.

[NSFW] Oregon has legalized cocaine for a small amount.

They called it "The Oregon Trail".

my wife said I'll never amount to anything in life

so I UH- mounted her sister

What do you call an assassin with a massive amount of general human knowledge?

John Wickipedia

I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can’t leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house.

I’m suffering from Stock Home Syndrome.

President Trump was recently handed a document, which he claims shows the most amount of red, ever, during an election year.

What he didn't tell you was that it was the balance sheet of his most recent IRS business filings.

Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time which caused a large amount of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he had very bad breath.

Therefore this made him super calloused fragil mystic hexed by halitosis.

There are two possibilities for words that mean "final part" or "smaller amount".

The possibilities are: end, less.

I used to have an excessive amount of hair on my upper torso

I’m sorry, I just had to get it off my chest

What do you call a demon clown that is good with small amounts of money?

Pennywise.

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The giant monster cannibal was eating a large amount of people, he asked why he started feeling sleepy after eating a group of women who were out drinking. He asked his other giant monster eater friend why he felt sleepy

He said, “because that’s a bar bitch you ate.”

We've just found out that my girlfriend is pregnant. With that, there comes an enormous amount of responsibility, so I've got a question to ask.

Should I fly first class or second?

My doctor was really impressed with the amount of hair I had on the scalp for my hair transplant

However, he was a *bit* concerned that the scalp was not mine

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A doctor had sex with his patient and felt an overwhelming amount of guilt about it the next day. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't shake the shame. Once and a while, a voice would reassure him

"Don't worry, I'm sure you're not the only medical practitioner to have sex with their patient."

Then another voice would jump in and bring him back to reality: "you are a sick bastard." It whispered "and a terrible veterinarian."

If a person is sueing a product for blinding him/her in one of their eyes, they should win double the amount

Because they are not gonna be able to see half of it anyway.

The devil whispered in my ear you aren’t good enough, you’ll never amount to anything.....

I whispered back, at least I didn’t lose my golden fiddle to some hillbilly in Georgia.

After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

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My lord, my client is a liftman and this complainant walked in the elevator wearing low cleavage blouse showing ample amount of her breasts"

"Then she caught him checking at them and said angrily

'Stop staring at them and press one quickly ' .

And my client did exactly that. I rest my case ".

The amount of advertising on social media is super surprising.

What’s not surprising? How much money you can save with GEICO Renters Insurance.

What did the man get for losing the most amount of muscle?

Atrophy

What do you get when you break the world record for “not moving for the longest amount of time”?

A certificate and atrophy.

I ate a dangerous amount of Mexican food

After which Poseidon gave me a rimjob in the toilet.

When I was in college I went to a fortune teller and she told me that if I stay in school and get my degree I will be making a ridiculous amount of money

Turns out she was right!
Now I work as a crossing guard.

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As far as we know, the universe could have an infinite amount of mass.

Just like your mom.

One day the amount of plastic in the ocean will be irreversible,

That will be the last straw

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What do you call a road vehicle designed to carry a large amount of fuck-ups?

A blunderbuss

What is the minimum amount of birds to change a lightbulb?

One can’t, but Toucan

Choosing pencils is impossible for me, I'm always confused with the amount of blackness I need.

2B or not 2B, that is the question.

What to use if you want to count the amount of meth grams in your body?

Methmatics

There are increasing amounts of obese people each year

I'm not sure if you understand the weight of the situation

You know, I've seen a large amount of Helen Keller jokes.

A lot of them are really offensive.

Oh, she would KILL us if she could hear them.

The amount of Valentine's day cards I got this year has left me breathless.

Turns out the card shop has a security guard and he gives a good chase.

What's the scientifically proven amount of sleep we all need in the morning?

"Just 5 more minutes."

It has been said that a million monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type complete works of William Shakespeare.....

With the advent of internet, now we know that is not true!

I am a builder from Sioux Falls, and I was recently in Madrid at a local tavern, and couldn’t believe the amount of code violations in their building practices. This led me to accept that they are their own culture and....

Nobody inspects the Spanish inn condition.

How did Eddard Stark get his daily recommended amount of fiber?

Raisin' Bran.

My grandpa always said that if you kill a killer, the amount in the world stays the same...

That's why I killed 2

I've just been diagnosed with a rare form of amnesia where I can't remember a small amount of 80's music bands.

Unfortunately there is no cure.

If you drink the perfect amount of scotch every day, you'll live forever...

Every scotch drinker just dies trying to figure out how much that is.

My doctor just thanked me for submitting the minimum amount of feces for my stool sample.

I told him it was the least I could doo.

When Beethoven started composing music, people said he wouldn't amount to anything because he was deaf

Fortunately, he didn't listen to the critics

I did not give the cashier an exact amount of money.

Don't worry. Change is coming.

"They said 'You'll never amount to anything, you aren't handsome enough to be a star, you're too short, you can't sing, you're not funny enough'"

"So anyway here's your medium Latte that'll be 3.79"

"Just the bonuses for the CEO's on Wall Street equals the amount of what half of all American's make on minimum wage in a year" : New York Times

But we have a national holiday today called Labor Day

I have a countless amount of jokes about unvaccinated kids

They never get old.

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A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday.

Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.

"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.

"It's very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then preach in a monotone...

Are you at all concerned that the heights of vegetables are rapidly increasing due to the amount of chemicals used on them?

No, I don't carrot tall.

I can fit the amount of times I have visited Chernobyl on my fingers

When I was young my English teacher said to me "you'll never amount to anything in life". I said "mark my words"

"...that's your job."

What do you call a day with a surprisingly low amount of tables?

A notable day!

My guests were complaining about the small amount of tea I served them...

I just told them "quali-tea over quanti-tea"

This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency. After receiving his Money he asks, "How come I came in here with same amount of Money as yesterday but today I get less Yuans in return?"

The banker says, "Fluctuations."
The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Blitish too."

The amount of repeated jokes on /jokes.

* The amount of repeated jokes on /jokes.
* The amount of repeated jokes on /jokes.
* The amount of repeated jokes on /jokes.
* The amount of repeated jokes on /jokes.
* The amount of repeated jokes on /jokes.

I prefer to think of myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair.

Besides, "stalker" is such an ugly word.

If you give an infinite amount of monkeys with typewriters an infinite amount of time, they will eventually recreate all of Shakespeare's masterpieces accidentally...

But give them five minutes, and they'll have the script of The Last Jedi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new highly infectious virus has broken out in Boston causing large amounts of people to sneeze so hard fall on their ass.

They’re calling the “mass achoo sits”.

You can tell who runs the country by the amount of clothes they wear. Regular people can't afford too much, they are the less-ons

...and the people who run the country are the more-ons.

I'm really worried about the incredible amount of trash collecting in our oceans.

Seriously, I haven't seen that much recyclable garbage outside of r/Jokes.

School shooting rates in America have dropped by crazy amounts over the past 2 months

The Summertime truly does bring miracles

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The amount of plastic on the beach is awful

I haven't seen a pair of real boobs all day

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