Growing up, my teachers told me I was worthless and would never amount to anything in life.

Being homeschooled sucks.

My grandpa always said that if you kill a killer, the amount in the world stays the same...

That's why I killed 2

My doctor just thanked me for submitting the minimum amount of feces for my stool sample.

I told him it was the least I could doo.

You know, I've seen a large amount of Helen Keller jokes.

A lot of them are really offensive.

Oh, she would KILL us if she could hear them.

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

The amount of food I consumed last night, was of Biblical proportions.

I’m now dreaming of a wide Christmas.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

I prefer to think of myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair.

Besides, "stalker" is such an ugly word.

Due to growing environmentalist concerns, Germany and Austria decided to limit the amount of ores and minerals they were extracting from the ground.

They said, "Mine fewer!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A recent study shows people with trace amounts of Arsenic, Selenium, Astatine, and Erbium have the longest lasting relationships

The best couples always have an AsSeAtEr

I have a countless amount of jokes about unvaccinated kids

They never get old.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I couldn't figure out a way to measure the amount of sluts to non-sluts.

So I asked my friend Horatio.

When I was young my English teacher said to me "you'll never amount to anything in life". I said "mark my words"

"...that's your job."

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first mathematician orders a pint, the second one half a pint, the third one a quarter and so on..

Eventually the barman hands over two pints and says:
“You mathematicians don’t know your limits!”

My guests were complaining about the small amount of tea I served them...

I just told them "quali-tea over quanti-tea"

"Just the bonuses for the CEO's on Wall Street equals the amount of what half of all American's make on minimum wage in a year" : New York Times

But we have a national holiday today called Labor Day

One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years

Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!

In an Italian restaurant, if you saved any amount of pipe shaped pasta, you could take it home.

Each penne saved was a penne earned.

School shooting rates in America have dropped by crazy amounts over the past 2 months

The Summertime truly does bring miracles

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."

I told her, "Oh yea... Just you wait."


Edit: She didn't believe in me but thanks to you guys and your amazing support, I can tell her to piss off cause I made something of myself. I'm front page famous.

Well... Not right now but I will!

Y’all remember when Ritz and Goldfish crackers didn’t contain trace amounts of salmonella?

Pepperidge farm remembers.

I can fit the amount of times I have visited Chernobyl on my fingers

12

A new highly infectious virus has broken out in Boston causing large amounts of people to sneeze so hard fall on their ass.

They’re calling the “mass achoo sits”.

I recently came into a HUGE amount of money.

Unfortunately, though, I'm barred from future tours of the Mint.

It has been said that a million monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type complete works of William Shakespeare.....

With the advent of internet, now we know that is not true!

Because of all the studying, I spend an unhealthy amount of time sitting.

I think I am understanding.

I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been to Chernobyl...

14.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The amount of plastic on the beach is awful

I haven't seen a pair of real boobs all day

I don't know why the officer fined me the full amount for overspeeding as per the law.

He was saying that he's charging me for that in fraction.

Can we start a national walkout for old people who try to pay for things with the exact amount of coins?

I've been waiting for change for too long.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday.

Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.

"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. 

"It's very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then preach in a monotone...

I've just been diagnosed with a rare form of amnesia where I can't remember a small amount of 80's music bands.

Unfortunately there is no cure.

If you drink the perfect amount of scotch every day, you'll live forever...

Every scotch drinker just dies trying to figure out how much that is.

A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician are given the task to contain the largest amount of area with a limited amount of fence.

The physicist designs a square fence, showing that a square contains the most area.

The Engineer then designs a circular fence, showing that the area to circumference ratio is better than a square.

The mathematician think for a moment, then starts building a tiny fence around himself. ...

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.

The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring,

"A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the
best solution."

The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and...

What do you call a day with a surprisingly low amount of tables?

A notable day!

If you give an infinite amount of monkeys with typewriters an infinite amount of time, they will eventually recreate all of Shakespeare's masterpieces accidentally...

But give them five minutes, and they'll have the script of The Last Jedi.

I'm really worried about the incredible amount of trash collecting in our oceans.

Seriously, I haven't seen that much recyclable garbage outside of r/Jokes.

[Long] A mathematician and his infinite amount of friends walk into a bar.

The bartender asks "what will you all be having?" The mathematician then says, "I'll have a beer and my friend will have half a beer, my other friend will have a quarter of a beer. My other friend will have an eighth of a beer, then a sixteenth," etc. This goes on for a while and after about 40 or m...

Who would pay a ridiculous amount of money for a pair of average over-hyped headphones?

Beats me.

A man walks into a bar, and orders 10 times the amount of drinks as everyone else.

The barman says "now *that's* an order of magnitude!"

"Bananas" and "synonymous" have the same amount of Ns and vowels

They're ... basically the same.

My mom told me I’d never amount to anything, because I procrastinate too much...

I said, “Oh, yeah? Just you wait.”

How will Trump add yuge amounts of manufacturing jobs?

He will build alternative fact-tories

My boss said, "You won't amount to nothing." But he was wrong of course.

He should have said "anything".

Recently I've been counting the amount of times I've slept with Prostitutes.

Tally-Ho!

Why does Missouri share borders with the most amount of States?

Because Missouri loves company

The amount of new jokes on this sub is ridiculous today.

Just wait 4 years and they will all be reposted.

Harry Potter movies should be rated R for the huge amount of cursing.

... i can find the door out.

You can tell who runs the country by the amount of clothes they wear. Regular people can't afford too much, they are the less-ons

...and the people who run the country are the more-ons.

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did.
Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to his office he regretted and decided it wasn't worth the price. So, he had his secreta...

Sherlock Holmes' wife being very neglected took to compensatory eating and put on an enormous amount of weight.

The master detective took her to his friend Dr. Watson for examination. After the doctor had given her a thorough examination, Holmes asked him, "What is the problem, doctor?"
Dr. Watson replied, "Alimentary, my dear Holmes!"

How does Gandalf transmit a large amount of information from one place to another?

He uses a Shadowfax.

How did Eddard Stark get his daily recommended amount of fiber?

Raisin' Bran.

An infinite amount of Mathematicians walk into a bar...

Then they all die due to infinite mass in finite space.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They say that every time you have sex it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles

But I think that's bullshit because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.

Which weapon has the least amount of drawbacks?

A bow.

What do you call it when orange juice lies about the amount of pulp it has?

Pulp fiction

A farmer comes into a large amount of money and decides to buy his son's a large ranch where they can raise cattle. He calls the ranch "Focus".

Because it's where the sun's rays meet.

I have a gardening tool that I use to dig up large amounts of treasure

So yeah, I got a big booty hoe

"They said 'You'll never amount to anything, you aren't handsome enough to be a star, you're too short, you can't sing, you're not funny enough'"

"So anyway here's your medium Latte that'll be 3.79"

This Chinese chap goes into a bank to change some currency. After receiving his Money he asks, "How come I came in here with same amount of Money as yesterday but today I get less Yuans in return?"

The banker says, "Fluctuations."
The Chinese guy replies, "Fluck you Blitish too."

The amount of salt on social media...

... is more than enough to cover all of the fries produced by McDonalds next year.

Did you hear about the gambler who got busted for buying a large amount of weed?

They say he was a high roller.

There was once a millionaire who collected a large amount of alligators as pets.

One day he held a party and came up with a proposition. He said if anyone could swim across the alligator infested pool and emerge unharmed he would pay them $1 million or give them his beautiful daughter's hand in marriage.

Immediately after he finished saying this he heard a splash and the...

The freemasons have created a new drink that contains a high amount of metal

They call it 'Alumina-tea'

A large amount of stormtroopers walk into a bar and orders drinks

They all miss the free shots.