My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, "Just you wait!"

My son has been spat on, cussed out, beaten up, and taken an immense amount of harrassment and abuse, all for being a Trump supporter

I hate to think of what will happen to him when he leaves the house

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first orders a pint. The second orders a half, the third a quarter and so on. The bartender pours 2 pints and says, “Figure it out yourselves.”

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What did the pimp say to the dwarf prostitute upon discovering she had eaten a copious amount of edibles?

High ho, high ho, it's off to work we go

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My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.

You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.

We've just found out that my girlfriend is pregnant. With that, there comes an enormous amount of responsibility, so I've got a question to ask.

Should I fly first class or second?

The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures

Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.

WANTED: Large amount of rats, mice and bed bugs

… as my current rental agreement requires me to leave the apartment in the condition it was when I moved in.

Scientists have discovered a food type that, if the buyer eats it, helps them to gain a HUGE amount of weight, makes them permanently bad-tempered, and it also makes them unwilling to listen to reason. It's known as...

Wedding cake.

My doctor was really impressed with the amount of hair I had on the scalp for my hair transplant

However, he was a *bit* concerned that the scalp was not mine

Reddit's logo should be a bit more green.

To symbolize the amount of reused and recycled content.

My karma multiplied by an infinite amount in one day!

From zero to one!

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The amount of hate I have received for saying "no single moms" on on tinder is insane.

Seriously, I'm an average guy and while I don't get a ton of matches I still try because I'm hopeful. I noticed a lot (it could just be my area) of single moms on tinder and while I don't have a problem with kids, I don't want any right now.

I simply put "not interested in single moms" and bo...

What type of trophy do you get when you’ve seen a traumatic amount of cat asses in your life?

A catastrophe

Alexander Graham Bell is always given a huge amount of praise for inventing the first telephone

The credit should really go to whomever invented the SECOND telephone.

The amount of ads on Reddit is suprisingly high.

What’s not surprising? How much money you can save with GEICO.

I finally thought of a joke with just the right amount of dry humor

I’ll post it soon

The devil whispered in my ear you aren’t good enough, you’ll never amount to anything.....

I whispered back, at least I didn’t lose my golden fiddle to some hillbilly in Georgia.

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This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The follo...

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If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

If a person is sueing a product for blinding him/her in one of their eyes, they should win double the amount

Because they are not gonna be able to see half of it anyway.

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A doctor had sex with his patient and felt an overwhelming amount of guilt about it the next day. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't shake the shame. Once and a while, a voice would reassure him

"Don't worry, I'm sure you're not the only medical practitioner to have sex with their patient."

Then another voice would jump in and bring him back to reality: "you are a sick bastard." It whispered "and a terrible veterinarian."

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What state has the largest amount of self made prostitutes?

Idaho

I, for one, fully condone injecting yourself with a generous amount of disinfectant.

It will definitely make COVID-19 the least of your worries.

An infinite amount of mathematics walks to the bar.

First orders 1 beer. Second orders half of beer. Third orders 1/4 of beer. Another orders 1/8 of beer. It goes on for a while and than bartender says: "guys you're really idiots." And bring them 2 beers.

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A man stores his money in a bank

A well looking man is at the bank and wants to deposit 100,000$, the bank manager gets closer to him and says:

"I have notice that you deposit huge amounts of cash every few days, is it OK if I ask, where to do find the money?"

"I'm betting" says the man

"what kind of betting?"<...

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The giant monster cannibal was eating a large amount of people, he asked why he started feeling sleepy after eating a group of women who were out drinking. He asked his other giant monster eater friend why he felt sleepy

He said, “because that’s a bar bitch you ate.”

A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him

### A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him

As he sat down, the waitress came over and asked for their orders. The man said, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Then he turned to the ostrich and asked, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," said the ostrich. ...

I buy a TV every year with different amount of pixels

It's my new year's resolution

My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her.

Lucky guess.

What did the man get for losing the most amount of muscle?

Atrophy

Three men die and appear before Buddha...

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

\-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forwa...

One night, I did an insane amount of drugs and ended up at the bottom of a multi-species orgy.

I don't know what came over me.

Mother Superior was curious as why all the nuns were suddenly eager to visit the village bakery.

So she decided to journey from the convent and into town to find out for herself.

When she entered the bakery, the baker greeted her with a big smile.

“Greetings Sister! What can I get for you today?”

“What do you suggest?” She asked.

“Well, this new recipe of mine has ...

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An Air Force Colonel is about to brief his men.

An Air force Colonel is about to start the morning briefing.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decides to pose a question to assembled staff.

He explained his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and that he failed to get his usual amount of ...

I used to have an excessive amount of hair on my upper torso

I’m sorry, I just had to get it off my chest

What do you call an assassin with a massive amount of general human knowledge?

John Wickipedia

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A widow, Claire, was looking to move away from the city, and looked for a small town to live her final years in.

She drove a few hours out into the countryside to find a good place to move into. Eventually she came by Barkstown, and this peculiar name piqued her curiosity.

She drove in and was amazed by the amount of dogs there were in this town, but she was getting hungry from not eating all day.
...

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My lord, my client is a liftman and this complainant walked in the elevator wearing low cleavage blouse showing ample amount of her breasts"

"Then she caught him checking at them and said angrily

'Stop staring at them and press one quickly ' .

And my client did exactly that. I rest my case ".

After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to ...

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A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat, the man says to the bartender "I'll have a pint of lager please"

The ostrich says "and I'll have the same"

The cat then says "Gin & tonic for me, but I'm not paying!"

The bartender looks a bit perplexed but announces ...

What do you call a demon clown that is good with small amounts of money?

Pennywise.

What to use if you want to count the amount of meth grams in your body?

Methmatics

My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."

I said, "Oh yeah... Just you wait."

I ate a dangerous amount of Mexican food

After which Poseidon gave me a rimjob in the toilet.

Women can receive up to $8,000 for donating their eggs. Can you imagine if men were compensated the same amount for their donation?

I’d have a sock at home worth $72,000

A blonde and a redhead head into their ranch and find their bull is missing

The women plan to buy another one, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the te...

When I was in college I went to a fortune teller and she told me that if I stay in school and get my degree I will be making a ridiculous amount of money

Turns out she was right!
Now I work as a crossing guard.

A girl from a strict family.

There was a girl from a very strict family. Her father absolutely hated fruits and no one in the family was allowed to eat them. As far as the girl knew her Uncle had died from choking on an apple which is why they were banned.

All through her school years she longed to taste any fruit, s...

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony ...

Got fired today because I fell for a scam asking me to wire a sizable amount of company money to a foreign bank account.

If that hadn't been stupid enough, I also confused the foreign bank account with my own.

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My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."

I told her, "Oh yea... Just you wait."


Edit: She didn't believe in me but thanks to you guys and your amazing support, I can tell her to piss off cause I made something of myself. I'm front page famous.

Well... Not right now but I will!

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What do you call a road vehicle designed to carry a large amount of fuck-ups?

A blunderbuss

Interpol developed a test to figure out the best Law enforcement team in the world. Today's test involved the Scotland Yard, the FBI and Rio's Military Police.

The test consisted of releasing a bunny in the woods and giving it a 1 hour head start. The police department that found the bunny in the least amount of time would go on to the next phase.

First one to go was Scotland Yard. Using their best detectives, deductive skills and evidence analysis,...

A frog a bank and a loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The fro...

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.” Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. “Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits....

My teacher used to tell me that I'd never amount to anything.

But ten years later, guess who I saw at mcdonalds? My teacher.

I served him a bic mac with no pickles even tho he wanted extra. Who's laughing now?

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As far as we know, the universe could have an infinite amount of mass.

Just like your mom.

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Good long one this!

One day an old man got a call from the FBI. The caller told him “We have noticed large amounts of money going in and out of your account, please come see us on Monday” The old man sat there for a second and thought, I should get myself a lawyer. So on Monday he walks to the office and the assistant ...

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Pete writes a letter to Santa the day before Christmas. It says: "Dear Santa, please be so kind and give me 100$, I was a good kid this year and we are very poor".

He posts it and waits patiently. The next day one of tha mailmen opens it and reads the letter. He feels really sorry for the kid knowing he won't get the money.

The postman talks to other colleagues and they feel sorry for the poor kid too. They manage to assemble 50$ only. Although it's not...

Choosing pencils is impossible for me, I'm always confused with the amount of blackness I need.

2B or not 2B, that is the question.

Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time which caused a large amount of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he had very bad breath.

Therefore this made him super calloused fragil mystic hexed by halitosis.

What do you get when you break the world record for “not moving for the longest amount of time”?

A certificate and atrophy.

A goodbye before you die

Clarification: this is a pretty popular joke, so sorry if you've already heard it.

A little girl is laying down in her bed, with her parents at her side, about to go to sleep. As she does every night, she says a prayer:

"Good night mommy, good night daddy, good night grandma and goodb...

No one understands the importance of milliseconds, more than a volunteer firefighter.

It's the amount of time they have between meeting you, and telling you they are a volunteer firefighter.

The FBI, the CIA and the LAPD have a bet to see which organization is best...

They decide to release a single rabbit into the forest, and whoever can find it in the least amount of time is the best.

The FBI goes first. The interrogate all the animals, search every hole and cave and after 24 hours reluctantly admit that they can’t find the rabbit.

The CIA then go...

Chunks

My friend was just promoted at his job, so he wanted to go celebrate at the bar. Being the good friend, I said: "Sure, I'll be the designated driver and you can drink as much as you want!" He drank and drank and drank all night long! When he was barely able to stand up and walk, I decided it's t...

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An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

There are increasing amounts of obese people each year

I'm not sure if you understand the weight of the situation

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A Hunter's Resilience

Two deer hunters had decided to go hunting on opening day of the season. They had left in the afternoon because both had day jobs and could not get time off.

About halfway to their turn-off they see a sign that reads, "Aunt Gracy's Diner, Next Exit". They were ahead of schedule, so both agree...

The amount of people who don't know the difference between to and too

Is two damn high

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An elderly woman passes, leaving her life-long husband a lonely widower.

As time goes on, his life begins to unravel as he spirals into a pit of despair. This does not go unnoticed by his adult children, who grasp at any opportunity to cheer him up. Finally, one of them convinces him to grudgingly attend an evening game at the local bingo hall, knowing that he'll be in t...

One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years

Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!

I called my ex Delta

Because they had the same amount of baggage as the airline.

I've recently come into a large amount of money

Now it's all stuck together and I regret it

What is the minimum amount of birds to change a lightbulb?

One can’t, but Toucan

A young man named Theseus moves to a lakeside fishing village looking for work

When he arrives, he finds one of the residents, Justin, is interested in going out and seeing the world, and wants to sell his fishing boat to fund that trip. Thinking that it might be a good way to make a living, Theseus buys the boat and spends the next few years learning the trade, establishing a...

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Since we're doing translated jokes: here's a Greek one my father used to tell

An old man had a donkey that helped him with his daily duties. As the times got harder, the old man realized that he needed to do something about his financial situation. He had the idea to gradually reduce the amount of food he gave to the donkey.

Every day the meals of the donkey got smalle...

My friend told me this

(Person 1) “what do you call the amount of space in a car?”

(person 2) “ummm.... cargo space?”

p1: “Nono! Car no do that, car stay ground!”

p2: \*sighs\*

p1: “so what is it called?”

What's the scientifically proven amount of sleep we all need in the morning?

"Just 5 more minutes."

Florida Woman Stops 12' Alligator with a .22 cal Beretta Pistol

\[Long\] This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:

"While walking along the edge of a pon...

A man is dying. He goes to his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer.

Terrified he won't have any money in the afterlife, he leaves each of them $10,000 in cash on the solemn promise they'll put the money in his coffin when he dies.

Afterward, the priest, the doctor and the lawyer wind up in the same limo together.

After an awkward silence, the priest sa...

The amount of Valentine's day cards I got this year has left me breathless.

Turns out the card shop has a security guard and he gives a good chase.

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.



"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.
"Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the de...

I am a builder from Sioux Falls, and I was recently in Madrid at a local tavern, and couldn’t believe the amount of code violations in their building practices. This led me to accept that they are their own culture and....

Nobody inspects the Spanish inn condition.

A bat race was called!

Three bats had to get as much blood as they could in a certain amount of time.

After the time is up, the judge goes to the first bat and see some blood on his legs. He asks him where did he get it from?

The first bat told him, "you see that tree over there? Behind it there's a mall and...

To teach my kids about capitalism...

...I made them pay for housing, food, and charged them to use the bathroom.

Then if they wanted to make any money, I had them compete against each other for who could do chores for the least amount of money.

Then when they unionised, I had the neighbour's kid do chores instead and gav...

You know, I've seen a large amount of Helen Keller jokes.

A lot of them are really offensive.

Oh, she would KILL us if she could hear them.

4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip...

As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan.
He goes...

[Long] A mathematician and his infinite amount of friends walk into a bar.

The bartender asks "what will you all be having?" The mathematician then says, "I'll have a beer and my friend will have half a beer, my other friend will have a quarter of a beer. My other friend will have an eighth of a beer, then a sixteenth," etc. This goes on for a while and after about 40 or m...

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Three soldiers come back home from a gruesome battle in Afganistan

The army tells them “You will be given the highest decorations, and you will also receive ANYTHING you wish for”

The first soldier says “ I want 2 Million dollars” and it’s done

The second one goes “Damn, these guys aren’t fucking around huh...I want 5 Million” and gets them

The...

I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been to Chernobyl...

14.

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The fastest thing in the universe

Four friends were discussing in a bar what would be, in their opinion, the fastest thing in the universe.

The first friend says :"it's obviously the light, it can fast travel through the universe in a short amount of time".

The second friend says instead:" Meh... It surely is the thoug...

My grandpa always said that if you kill a killer, the amount in the world stays the same...

That's why I killed 2

My doctor just thanked me for submitting the minimum amount of feces for my stool sample.

I told him it was the least I could doo.

A man walks into a bar, and orders 10 times the amount of drinks as everyone else.

The barman says "now *that's* an order of magnitude!"

When Beethoven started composing music, people said he wouldn't amount to anything because he was deaf

Fortunately, he didn't listen to the critics

Because of all the studying, I spend an unhealthy amount of time sitting.

I think I am understanding.

Two weevils grew up in South Carolina

One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A man receives a phone call late in the evening...

He picks up the phone and there is a strange voice at the other end. The voice says “I am the Vinder Viper, and I am coming in one year” he writes the call off as a prank.

But in six months, he gets another call. It says the same thing, “I am the Vinder Viper, and I am coming in six months”. ...

Do you want to make $$$$ fast?

Step 1: Open notepad
Step 2: Press and hold shift +4 until you have the desired amount.

Hundreds of years after their deaths, Galileo, Leonardo Da Vinci, and Marco Polo are walking in heaven and decide to have a conversation with Jesus...

Galileo says, “Jesus, I’ve been thinking about my past life on Earth, and I wanted to know what I am remembered for all these years later.”

Jesus pauses and replies, “Galileo, you are remembered as the Father of Modern Physics. By being one of the first to apply mathematics to motion, you le...

A reporter interviews a sheep farmer.

They are standing next to a large meadow where lots of black and white sheep are being pastured.

"So how much grass do the sheep eat every day?" asks the reporter.

"Do you mean black or white sheep?" asks he farmer.

"Okay, let's say black."

"Oh, they eat about ten pounds ...

Why are math books always so stressed?

They have a limitless amount of problems that need to be solved.

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.

The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring,

"A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the
best solution."

The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and...

I have a countless amount of jokes about unvaccinated kids

They never get old.

Why does Missouri share borders with the most amount of States?

Because Missouri loves company

How will Trump add yuge amounts of manufacturing jobs?

He will build alternative fact-tories

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent study shows people with trace amounts of Arsenic, Selenium, Astatine, and Erbium have the longest lasting relationships

The best couples always have an AsSeAtEr

It has been said that a million monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type complete works of William Shakespeare.....

With the advent of internet, now we know that is not true!

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

"Just the bonuses for the CEO's on Wall Street equals the amount of what half of all American's make on minimum wage in a year" : New York Times

But we have a national holiday today called Labor Day

When I was young my English teacher said to me "you'll never amount to anything in life". I said "mark my words"

"...that's your job."

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