Amount Jokes - 106 Hilarious Amount Jokes

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer : Where do they sleep?

Farmer: The Black one or the. White one?

Interviewer: The black on...

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An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

"An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves hal...

An infinite amount of Mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first orders a pint, the second a half, the third a quarter, and so on. The bartender pours them 2 pints and says, "sort it out yourselves."

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My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."

I told her, "Oh yea... Just you wait."

Edit: She didn't believe in me but thanks to you guys and your amazing support, I can tell her to piss off cause I made something of myself. I'm front page famous.

Well... Not right now but I will!

The amount of people who don't know the difference between to and too

Is two damn high

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There’s a surprising amount of Zootopia porn out there

I went down a deep rabbit hole last night

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A good amount of my friends are nazis...

Zero of them. Zero is a good amount of nazis to be friends with.

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A Japanese business man living in nyc goes into the bank to exchange a large amount of US dollars into Yen....

He does the transaction with the teller, offer a polite bow accompanied by an ‘ah so’, and leaves.

He comes back in a week with another large amount of usd to exchange. This time he gets much less yen. He looks quizzically at the teller and she says to him, ‘fluctuations’!!

He angril...

My teachers told me I would never amount to anything because I procrastinate to much.

I told them, "just you wait!"

What do you call an area with a large amount of poor Italians?

The Spaghetto

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Why is the amount of people with a fetish for fruit always an even number?

Because they always cum in pears.

[Long] A mathematician and his infinite amount of friends walk into a bar.

The bartender asks "what will you all be having?" The mathematician then says, "I'll have a beer and my friend will have half a beer, my other friend will have a quarter of a beer. My other friend will have an eighth of a beer, then a sixteenth," etc. This goes on for a while and after about 40 or m...

With reddit alienating a large amount of its users, they decided to rebrand.

They're changing it from Reddit to WeBluit

Elton John's gained a notable amount of weight lately.

Goodbye, normal jeans.

A man walks into a bar, and orders 10 times the amount of drinks as everyone else.

The barman says "now *that's* an order of magnitude!"

The amount of short people with anger issues has always striken me as weird

Specially considering that they are the ones that should be more down to earth

After years of digging, a gold prospector finally found a small amount of a precious metal

It was a miner success.

My pop told me I would never amount to anything.

Well jokes on him because I've amounted to nothing.

We asked a group of scientists to study what's an acceptable amount of existential dread to experience.

Their response was, "It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things."

I've recently come into a large amount of money

Now it's all stuck together and I regret it

Why does Missouri share borders with the most amount of States?

Because Missouri loves company

I was arrested for having an unhealthy attraction to large amounts of data

They’re calling me a petaphile

How will Trump add yuge amounts of manufacturing jobs?

He will build alternative fact-tories

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Why did bruce willis take a lethal amount of viagra?

he wanted to die hard

Why can't the Afghani girl tell everyone the amount of guys she's slept with?

Because there's a Tally ban keeping her from doing so.

How do you reduce the amount of workers' compensation claims by 25%?

Fire 50% of the workforce.

What room in a hospital has the least amount of privacy?

The ICU.

Edited. (I see you)

I buy a TV every year with different amount of pixels

It's my new year's resolution

My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her.

Lucky guess.

Some bloke on the bus claimed to have the lowest amount of hair follicles on earth..

I said bloody hell that's a bald claim

The amount of bad Coronavirus jokes are starting to reach worrying numbers.

Some scientist claim it might become a pundemic!

I hired a monk to redo my bathroom floors, and he put me under an immense amount of pressure.

It was tile by friar.

Because of all the studying, I spend an unhealthy amount of time sitting.

I think I am understanding.

Harry Potter movies should be rated R for the huge amount of cursing.

... i can find the door out.

What do you call it when 2 starving people fight over a small amount of food?

MORSEL KOMBAT!

Which tree has the least amount of education?

A lemon tree

I recently came into a HUGE amount of money.

Unfortunately, though, I'm barred from future tours of the Mint.

My math teacher told me that I won't amount to anything because I smoke weed...

But my physics teacher says the higher you are, the larger your potential!

Black Widow is just the right amount of hot.

In other words, Natasha Warm Enough.

WANTED: Large amount of rats, mice and bed bugs

… as my current rental agreement requires me to leave the apartment in the condition it was when I moved in.

The amount of new jokes on this sub is ridiculous today.

Just wait 4 years and they will all be reposted.

I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been to Chernobyl...

14.

[NSFW] Oregon has legalized cocaine for a small amount.

They called it "The Oregon Trail".

My teacher used to tell me that I would never amount to anything by looking out of the window all day

Man did I feel smug as I passed him his burger and fries at the drive-through last night

The amount of work it took for me to deliver the joke wasn't worth the final result.

I'm sure my mom can sympathize.

Where do you find a McDonald´s Big Mac with a very high amount of lumens per square metre?

In a Lux-em-Burger.

my wife said I'll never amount to anything in life

so I UH- mounted her sister

My teacher used to tell me that I'd never amount to anything.

But ten years later, guess who I saw at mcdonalds? My teacher.

I served him a bic mac with no pickles even tho he wanted extra. Who's laughing now?

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

I ate a dangerous amount of Mexican food

After which Poseidon gave me a rimjob in the toilet.

I don't understand why people pay for things with exact dollar amounts...

... It makes no cents.

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They say that every time you have sex it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles

But I think that's bullshit because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

PSA: Police are warning against large amounts of fake $1 bills this holiday season

Look out for hot singles in your area.

A contest in South Korea awarded a small amount of money for a large item of food...

A one ton wonton won ten won.

The amount of advertising on social media is super surprising.

What’s not surprising? How much money you can save with GEICO Renters Insurance.

What’s the least amount of costume needed to convincingly look like a bear?

Bear Minimum

One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years

Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!

There are increasing amounts of obese people each year

I'm not sure if you understand the weight of the situation

If you give an infinite amount of monkeys with typewriters an infinite amount of time, they will eventually recreate all of Shakespeare's masterpieces accidentally...

But give them five minutes, and they'll have the script of The Last Jedi.

What do you call an assassin with a massive amount of general human knowledge?

John Wickipedia

There are two possibilities for words that mean "final part" or "smaller amount".

The possibilities are: end, less.

I used to have an excessive amount of hair on my upper torso

I’m sorry, I just had to get it off my chest

The amount of repeated jokes on /jokes.

* The amount of repeated jokes on /jokes.
* The amount of repeated jokes on /jokes.
* The amount of repeated jokes on /jokes.
* The amount of repeated jokes on /jokes.
* The amount of repeated jokes on /jokes.

What do women and pools have in common?

They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.

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Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals.

"I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir."

"Let's hear the good news," the president replied.

"Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukranian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all."

"That's excellent!...

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The amount of hate I have received for saying "no single moms" on on tinder is insane.

Seriously, I'm an average guy and while I don't get a ton of matches I still try because I'm hopeful. I noticed a lot (it could just be my area) of single moms on tinder and while I don't have a problem with kids, I don't want any right now.

I simply put "not interested in single moms" and bo...

What is the minimum amount of birds to change a lightbulb?

One can’t, but Toucan

What did the man get for losing the most amount of muscle?

Atrophy

Alexander Graham Bell is always given a huge amount of praise for inventing the first telephone

The credit should really go to whomever invented the SECOND telephone.

What do you call a demon clown that is good with small amounts of money?

Pennywise.

You know, I've seen a large amount of Helen Keller jokes.

A lot of them are really offensive.

Oh, she would KILL us if she could hear them.

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If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

One day the amount of plastic in the ocean will be irreversible,

That will be the last straw

How did Eddard Stark get his daily recommended amount of fiber?

Raisin' Bran.

One night, I did an insane amount of drugs and ended up at the bottom of a multi-species orgy.

I don't know what came over me.

I have a countless amount of jokes about unvaccinated kids

They never get old.

I finally thought of a joke with just the right amount of dry humor

I’ll post it soon

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As far as we know, the universe could have an infinite amount of mass.

Just like your mom.

My 12 year old just told me a joke

He said “I’ve been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play, I’m only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed. Last night I went to bed 8 times.”

Why does Greta Thunberg love this sub?

Coz of the amount of reused content here.

What's the scientifically proven amount of sleep we all need in the morning?

"Just 5 more minutes."

If you drink the perfect amount of scotch every day, you'll live forever...

Every scotch drinker just dies trying to figure out how much that is.

The amount of salt on social media...

... is more than enough to cover all of the fries produced by McDonalds next year.

The amount of Valentine's day cards I got this year has left me breathless.

Turns out the card shop has a security guard and he gives a good chase.

The devil whispered in my ear you aren’t good enough, you’ll never amount to anything.....

I whispered back, at least I didn’t lose my golden fiddle to some hillbilly in Georgia.

The amount of food I consumed last night, was of Biblical proportions.

I’m now dreaming of a wide Christmas.

There's a man who only eats massive amounts of Chinese food and nothing else

Turns out he's a Mega-Lo-Mein-iac

"Bananas" and "synonymous" have the same amount of Ns and vowels

They're ... basically the same.

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball.

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume. The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced. The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can’t leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house.

I’m suffering from Stock Home Syndrome.

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A couples therapist believes the amount of sex you have is directly related to happiness, so he decides to test his theory at his next seminar.

He addresses the crowd in attendance and asks "How many couples here tonight have sex once a day?"

To the therapists delight, about half of the crowd raise their hands with wide, toothy grins across their faces.

The therapist then asks "How many have sex once a week?"

Roughly a ...

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What do you call a road vehicle designed to carry a large amount of fuck-ups?

A blunderbuss

Choosing pencils is impossible for me, I'm always confused with the amount of blackness I need.

2B or not 2B, that is the question.

How to measure the perfect amount of pasta

Step 1: Measure out the perfect amount of pasta.
Step 2: Wrong.

What do you call a day with a surprisingly low amount of tables?

A notable day!

What to use if you want to count the amount of meth grams in your body?

Methmatics

My guests were complaining about the small amount of tea I served them...

I just told them "quali-tea over quanti-tea"

My doctor was really impressed with the amount of hair I had on the scalp for my hair transplant

However, he was a *bit* concerned that the scalp was not mine

I named my kid Bob Ross

He was a happy little accident.

I'm really worried about the incredible amount of trash collecting in our oceans.

Seriously, I haven't seen that much recyclable garbage outside of r/Jokes.

When you call 911 no matter where you are your phone will connect to even the smallest amount of service to get your call through

They use the same idea to make mobile game ads

I can fit the amount of times I have visited Chernobyl on my fingers

President Trump was recently handed a document, which he claims shows the most amount of red, ever, during an election year.

What he didn't tell you was that it was the balance sheet of his most recent IRS business filings.

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Recently I've been counting the amount of times I've slept with Prostitutes.

Tally-Ho!

What do you get when you break the world record for “not moving for the longest amount of time”?

A certificate and atrophy.

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