My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her.

Lucky guess.

What do you call an assassin with a massive amount of general human knowledge?

John Wickipedia

After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

When I was in college I went to a fortune teller and she told me that if I stay in school and get my degree I will be making a ridiculous amount of money

Turns out she was right!
Now I work as a crossing guard.

One night I did an insane amount of drugs and ended up at the bottom of a multi-species orgy.

I don't know what came over me.

There's a man who only eats massive amounts of Chinese food and nothing else

Turns out he's a Mega-Lo-Mein-iac

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a road vehicle designed to carry a large amount of fuck-ups?

A blunderbuss

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"My lord, my client is a liftman and this complainant walked in the elevator wearing low cleavage blouse showing ample amount of her breasts"

"Then she caught him checking at them and said angrily

'Stop staring at them and press one quickly ' .

And my client did exactly that. I rest my case ".

What do you call a demon clown that is good with small amounts of money?

Pennywise.

Choosing pencils is impossible for me, I'm always confused with the amount of blackness I need.

2B or not 2B, that is the question.

Got fired today because I fell for a scam asking me to wire a sizable amount of company money to a foreign bank account.

If that hadn't been stupid enough, I also confused the foreign bank account with my own.

As far as we know, the universe could have an infinite amount of mass.

Just like your mom.

I ate a dangerous amount of Mexican food

After which Poseidon gave me a rimjob in the toilet.

Women can receive up to $8,000 for donating their eggs. Can you imagine if men were compensated the same amount for their donation?

I’d have a sock at home worth $72,000

What do you get when you break the world record for “not moving for the longest amount of time”?

A certificate and atrophy.

My parents said I would never amount to anything if I keep procrastinating

I told them, “just wait”.

I've recently come into a large amount of money

Now it's all stuck together and I regret it

Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time which caused a large amount of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he had very bad breath.

Therefore this made him super calloused fragil mystic hexed by halitosis.

There are increasing amounts of obese people each year

I'm not sure if you understand the weight of the situation

My teacher used to tell me that I'd never amount to anything.

But ten years later, guess who I saw at mcdonalds? My teacher.

I served him a bic mac with no pickles even tho he wanted extra. Who's laughing now?

What's the scientifically proven amount of sleep we all need in the morning?

"Just 5 more minutes."

My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."

I said, "Oh yeah... Just you wait."

Growing up, my teachers told me I was worthless and would never amount to anything in life.

Being homeschooled sucks.

The amount of people who don't know the difference between to and too

Is two damn high

I did not give the cashier an exact amount of money.

Don't worry. Change is coming.

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

I am a builder from Sioux Falls, and I was recently in Madrid at a local tavern, and couldn’t believe the amount of code violations in their building practices. This led me to accept that they are their own culture and....

Nobody inspects the Spanish inn condition.

The amount of Valentine's day cards I got this year has left me breathless.

Turns out the card shop has a security guard and he gives a good chase.

Are you at all concerned that the heights of vegetables are rapidly increasing due to the amount of chemicals used on them?

No, I don't carrot tall.

You know, I've seen a large amount of Helen Keller jokes.

A lot of them are really offensive.

Oh, she would KILL us if she could hear them.

What is the minimum amount of birds to change a lightbulb?

One can’t, but Toucan

When Beethoven started composing music, people said he wouldn't amount to anything because he was deaf

Fortunately, he didn't listen to the critics

My grandpa always said that if you kill a killer, the amount in the world stays the same...

That's why I killed 2

One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years

Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!

My doctor just thanked me for submitting the minimum amount of feces for my stool sample.

I told him it was the least I could doo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."

I told her, "Oh yea... Just you wait."


Edit: She didn't believe in me but thanks to you guys and your amazing support, I can tell her to piss off cause I made something of myself. I'm front page famous.

Well... Not right now but I will!

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first says, “I’ll have a beer.” The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.” The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.” Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. “Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recent study shows people with trace amounts of Arsenic, Selenium, Astatine, and Erbium have the longest lasting relationships

The best couples always have an AsSeAtEr

I have a countless amount of jokes about unvaccinated kids

They never get old.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

The amount of food I consumed last night, was of Biblical proportions.

I’m now dreaming of a wide Christmas.

Due to growing environmentalist concerns, Germany and Austria decided to limit the amount of ores and minerals they were extracting from the ground.

They said, "Mine fewer!"

I prefer to think of myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair.

Besides, "stalker" is such an ugly word.

When I was young my English teacher said to me "you'll never amount to anything in life". I said "mark my words"

"...that's your job."

My guests were complaining about the small amount of tea I served them...

I just told them "quali-tea over quanti-tea"

"Just the bonuses for the CEO's on Wall Street equals the amount of what half of all American's make on minimum wage in a year" : New York Times

But we have a national holiday today called Labor Day

I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been to Chernobyl...

14.

Because of all the studying, I spend an unhealthy amount of time sitting.

I think I am understanding.

In an Italian restaurant, if you saved any amount of pipe shaped pasta, you could take it home.

Each penne saved was a penne earned.

It has been said that a million monkeys hitting keys at random on a typewriter keyboard for an infinite amount of time will almost surely type complete works of William Shakespeare.....

With the advent of internet, now we know that is not true!

I recently came into a HUGE amount of money.

Unfortunately, though, I'm barred from future tours of the Mint.

I can fit the amount of times I have visited Chernobyl on my fingers

12

Y’all remember when Ritz and Goldfish crackers didn’t contain trace amounts of salmonella?

Pepperidge farm remembers.

A new highly infectious virus has broken out in Boston causing large amounts of people to sneeze so hard fall on their ass.

They’re calling the “mass achoo sits”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday.

Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.

"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. 

"It's very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then preach in a monotone...

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.

The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring,

"A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the
best solution."

The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and...

School shooting rates in America have dropped by crazy amounts over the past 2 months

The Summertime truly does bring miracles

[Long] A mathematician and his infinite amount of friends walk into a bar.

The bartender asks "what will you all be having?" The mathematician then says, "I'll have a beer and my friend will have half a beer, my other friend will have a quarter of a beer. My other friend will have an eighth of a beer, then a sixteenth," etc. This goes on for a while and after about 40 or m...

A man walks into a bar, and orders 10 times the amount of drinks as everyone else.

The barman says "now *that's* an order of magnitude!"

I've just been diagnosed with a rare form of amnesia where I can't remember a small amount of 80's music bands.

Unfortunately there is no cure.

How will Trump add yuge amounts of manufacturing jobs?

He will build alternative fact-tories

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with an overweight donkey and a sour looking cat.

He sits down, and asks for a 1 beer. He gets a bucket of water for the donkey, and milk for the cat. The cat looks at the milk and scowls in disgust. The man explains that the cat only drinks 2% milk and nothing else.
After drinking he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount ...

Can we start a national walkout for old people who try to pay for things with the exact amount of coins?

I've been waiting for change for too long.

Why does Missouri share borders with the most amount of States?

Because Missouri loves company

What do you call a day with a surprisingly low amount of tables?

A notable day!

If you drink the perfect amount of scotch every day, you'll live forever...

Every scotch drinker just dies trying to figure out how much that is.

A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician are given the task to contain the largest amount of area with a limited amount of fence.

The physicist designs a square fence, showing that a square contains the most area.

The Engineer then designs a circular fence, showing that the area to circumference ratio is better than a square.

The mathematician think for a moment, then starts building a tiny fence around himself. ...

I don't know why the officer fined me the full amount for overspeeding as per the law.

He was saying that he's charging me for that in fraction.

Who would pay a ridiculous amount of money for a pair of average over-hyped headphones?

Beats me.

If you give an infinite amount of monkeys with typewriters an infinite amount of time, they will eventually recreate all of Shakespeare's masterpieces accidentally...

But give them five minutes, and they'll have the script of The Last Jedi.

The amount of new jokes on this sub is ridiculous today.

Just wait 4 years and they will all be reposted.

I'm really worried about the incredible amount of trash collecting in our oceans.

Seriously, I haven't seen that much recyclable garbage outside of r/Jokes.

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did.
Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to his office he regretted and decided it wasn't worth the price. So, he had his secreta...

Harry Potter movies should be rated R for the huge amount of cursing.

... i can find the door out.

How did Eddard Stark get his daily recommended amount of fiber?

Raisin' Bran.

"Bananas" and "synonymous" have the same amount of Ns and vowels

They're ... basically the same.

My boss said, "You won't amount to nothing." But he was wrong of course.

He should have said "anything".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Recently I've been counting the amount of times I've slept with Prostitutes.

Tally-Ho!

You can tell who runs the country by the amount of clothes they wear. Regular people can't afford too much, they are the less-ons

...and the people who run the country are the more-ons.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say that every time you have sex it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles

But I think that's bullshit because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.

A guy walks into a bar with an Ostrich

A man walks Into a bar with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a beer,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That wi...

Sherlock Holmes' wife being very neglected took to compensatory eating and put on an enormous amount of weight.

The master detective took her to his friend Dr. Watson for examination. After the doctor had given her a thorough examination, Holmes asked him, "What is the problem, doctor?"
Dr. Watson replied, "Alimentary, my dear Holmes!"

How does Gandalf transmit a large amount of information from one place to another?

He uses a Shadowfax.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

A blonde wants to travel abroad.

She parks her car in front of a bank near the airport and gets out with her trolleys. She then enters the bank and walks to the next teller.

Blonde: Hello, I want to get a loan for $1000,-

Teller: Very well. But I need a credit security in order to grant you that loan.

Blonde: ...

An infinite amount of Mathematicians walk into a bar...

Then they all die due to infinite mass in finite space.

Which weapon has the least amount of drawbacks?

A bow.

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