My teacher told me I’d never amount to anything because I procrastinate so much

I told them, “Just you wait!”

My wife is concerned at the amount of brake fluid I drink and thinks I may have a problem...

I told her "It's ok, I can stop whenever I want! "

An infinite amount of Mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first orders a pint, the second a half, the third a quarter, and so on. The bartender pours them 2 pints and says, "sort it out yourselves."

A mathematician is asked to build a fence around a flock of sheep using the least amount of materials possible.

So he builds a fence around himself and then defines himself as outside.

A waitress at a diner gives a man his check. As he gets up to leave, he puts down the amount for the check plus three cents for the tip. The waitress notices this and approaches him before he leaves.

Waitress: You know, I can tell a lot about a person by each of the coins that are left.
Man: Okay, what do these pennies tell you about me?

Waitress: This first one tells me that you are very thrifty.
Man: Hmm. Yes, that's true. Go on.

Waitress: This second one tells me that you ...

A contest in South Korea awarded a small amount of money for a large item of food...

A one ton wonton won ten won.

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Why did bruce willis take a lethal amount of viagra?

he wanted to die hard

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A Japanese business man living in nyc goes into the bank to exchange a large amount of US dollars into Yen....

He does the transaction with the teller, offer a polite bow accompanied by an ‘ah so’, and leaves.

He comes back in a week with another large amount of usd to exchange. This time he gets much less yen. He looks quizzically at the teller and she says to him, ‘fluctuations’!!

He angril...

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An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartend...

What room in a hospital has the least amount of privacy?

The ICU.

Edited. (I see you)

When you call 911 no matter where you are your phone will connect to even the smallest amount of service to get your call through

They use the same idea to make mobile game ads

I don't understand why people pay for things with exact dollar amounts...

... It makes no cents.

My teacher used to tell me that I would never amount to anything by looking out of the window all day

Man did I feel smug as I passed him his burger and fries at the drive-through last night

What’s the least amount of costume needed to convincingly look like a bear?

Bear Minimum

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A 12 year old boy walks into a barber shop

Once he arrives, the barber turns to a customer and says "check this kid out, he's the dumbest person I've ever seen. Here, watch this".

The barber then pulls out a dollar bill in one hand and 2 quarters in the other. "Hey Johnny, go ahead and pick which amount of money you want".

The...

The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming numbers...

Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.

Black Widow is just the right amount of hot.

In other words, Natasha Warm Enough.

PSA: Police are warning against large amounts of fake $1 bills this holiday season

Look out for hot singles in your area.

The dead dog

A guy brought his dog into the vet. He didn't want to admit and accept the fact his dog died. The vet told the owner the dog is dead. The guy demanded a 2nd opinion. The vet gets a cat. The cat sniffs the dead dog and said "meow". The vet said the cat agrees the dog is dead. The owner demands a 3rd ...

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A couples therapist believes the amount of sex you have is directly related to happiness, so he decides to test his theory at his next seminar.

He addresses the crowd in attendance and asks "How many couples here tonight have sex once a day?"

To the therapists delight, about half of the crowd raise their hands with wide, toothy grins across their faces.

The therapist then asks "How many have sex once a week?"

Roughly a ...

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A Dyre Predicament

"So kind of you to cruise by, Superman. How are the kryptonite shackles treating you?"

"You won't get away with this! Who are you anyway? I've never fought you."

"Oh, that's because I'm not a villain. And I intend to keep it that way, which brings me to the nature of today's exercise...

I have tried all my life multiplying really large numbers by zero.

That amounted to nothing.

Which tree has the least amount of education?

A lemon tree

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.

The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.

The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

Some losses may be your gain

An unemployed man applies for a job as a toilet cleaner at a large computer company and takes an appointment for an interview with the company's manager.

During the interview, the manager told the unemployed person: You have been accepted for the job.

But we need your email to send you...

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A teacher has an activity for the class.

"I want all of you guys to go home and get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it. You guys will come back tomorrow and share your stories." The children all nod their heads and agree. The next day, the teacher asks all the students to tell their stories. There are funny sto...

I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can’t leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house.

I’m suffering from Stock Home Syndrome.

A Frog goes into a bank to get a loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
...

President Trump was recently handed a document, which he claims shows the most amount of red, ever, during an election year.

What he didn't tell you was that it was the balance sheet of his most recent IRS business filings.

A kilted Scotsman

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman ...

[NSFW] Oregon has legalized cocaine for a small amount.

They called it "The Oregon Trail".

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My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.

You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.

There are two possibilities for words that mean "final part" or "smaller amount".

The possibilities are: end, less.

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A doctor is visiting a remote village

A man comes to him and says, "Big Chief, no shit"

The doctor pours him a small amount of castor oil and tells him it should solve the problem.

Next day, the man goes to the doctor again and says, "Big Chief, no shit"

The doctor pours a little more castor oil and tells him it wi...

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I wish -

### A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.


“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.


The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.


“How mu...

The doctor said I need to reduce the amount of protein in my diet.

I have to change the way I meatin'

After attempting to climb Everest and failing, John has severe frostbite, hypothermia and goes into a coma.

After a lengthy and dangerous mountaintop rescue he's rushed to the nearest hospital, where after several days he finally wakes and is greeted by the Nepalese doctor.

Sir, I have bad news and good news. John, ever the optimist asks for the good news first.

Okay, the good news is the ...

WANTED: Large amount of rats, mice and bed bugs

… as my current rental agreement requires me to leave the apartment in the condition it was when I moved in.

I asked my doctor if I could take a bath with diarrhea

He said, "it depends on the amount"

After years of digging, two gold rush enthusiasts finally found a small amount of the precious metal

It was a miner success

My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her.

Lucky guess.

Alexander Graham Bell is always given a huge amount of praise for inventing the first telephone

The credit should really go to whomever invented the SECOND telephone.

What type of trophy do you get when you’ve seen a traumatic amount of cat asses in your life?

A catastrophe

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My mother said, "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate."

I told her, "Oh yea... Just you wait."


Edit: She didn't believe in me but thanks to you guys and your amazing support, I can tell her to piss off cause I made something of myself. I'm front page famous.

Well... Not right now but I will!

I buy a TV every year with different amount of pixels

It's my new year's resolution

We've just found out that my girlfriend is pregnant. With that, there comes an enormous amount of responsibility, so I've got a question to ask.

Should I fly first class or second?

A dog walks into a telegraph office

It is a quiet Friday noon in New York and a young telegrapher is minding his business when the bell on the door suddenly chimes and a dog walks in.

The telegrapher looks perplexed as the dog hands him a piece of paper and says in perfect English: “Hello sir. I would like to send that to my f...

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

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A man goes to hell

.. and is met by Lucifer at the Hell's Gates. Lucifer asks the man whether he wants to go to the Regular Hell or try the Student Hell. The man replies, "*Naah, I've had enough of that shit when I was a student, send me to the Regular Hell*". So he is sent to the Regular Hell. It looks okay and is mo...

My doctor was really impressed with the amount of hair I had on the scalp for my hair transplant

However, he was a *bit* concerned that the scalp was not mine

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Scientists estimate that there are about 100 billion people that have ever lived.

This implies that humans have had sex at least 100 billion times. However, this is nothing compared to the amount of times I did ur mom last night.

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An engineer, after being unemployed for a long time, decided to open his own hospital.

At the front, he put up a sign: “We can cure any disease with just $500! If we fail, we’ll give you back $1000.”

One doctor, thinking that this was an easy grab, visited the hospital right away.


Doctor: “I lost my taste.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please give 3 drops of medicine #22...

One night, I did an insane amount of drugs and ended up at the bottom of a multi-species orgy.

I don't know what came over me.

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The Human mouth is amazing. It can suck, blow, create a vacuum , is water tight....

And can create and infinite amount of shit!

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What's the difference between an equestrian and an equestrophile?

The amount of dick they can take.

Great deal

One day a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

“Eight hundred dollars,” the dentist says.

“That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?”

“Well,” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an anaesthetic, I c...

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3 friends decided to drive around the city and make random people happy.

First they went to a pub and paid for everyone's drinks.

As they were leaving old man sitting alone in a booth calls for them and says "Hey, you guys really made my morning."


Next, they drove to an area with a lot of homeless people and gave every homeless person free blankets, clo...

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The giant monster cannibal was eating a large amount of people, he asked why he started feeling sleepy after eating a group of women who were out drinking. He asked his other giant monster eater friend why he felt sleepy

He said, “because that’s a bar bitch you ate.”

Why does Greta Thunberg love this sub?

Coz of the amount of reused content here.

The devil whispered in my ear you aren’t good enough, you’ll never amount to anything.....

I whispered back, at least I didn’t lose my golden fiddle to some hillbilly in Georgia.

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A doctor had sex with his patient and felt an overwhelming amount of guilt about it the next day. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't shake the shame. Once and a while, a voice would reassure him

"Don't worry, I'm sure you're not the only medical practitioner to have sex with their patient."

Then another voice would jump in and bring him back to reality: "you are a sick bastard." It whispered "and a terrible veterinarian."

If a person is sueing a product for blinding him/her in one of their eyes, they should win double the amount

Because they are not gonna be able to see half of it anyway.

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”

Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just te...

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

I finally thought of a joke with just the right amount of dry humor

I’ll post it soon

What do you call an assassin with a massive amount of general human knowledge?

John Wickipedia

The amount of advertising on social media is super surprising.

What’s not surprising? How much money you can save with GEICO Renters Insurance.

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What state has the largest amount of self made prostitutes?

Idaho

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician are staying in a hotel.

The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the h...

What do you call a demon clown that is good with small amounts of money?

Pennywise.

I was thinking of getting a job at the U.S. Mint

Can you imagine the amount of money I would make?

Reddit's logo should be a bit more green.

To symbolize the amount of reused and recycled content.

I used to have an excessive amount of hair on my upper torso

I’m sorry, I just had to get it off my chest

I, for one, fully condone injecting yourself with a generous amount of disinfectant.

It will definitely make COVID-19 the least of your worries.

An American comedian and a Chinese comedian are having a conversation

American: "I've been writing some new jokes lately, they're really funny."

Chinese: "Me too."

American: "The amount I've written is worth around 2 hours of stage time."

Chinese: "The amount I've written is worth around 30 years of labor camp time."

After a fire, the corpse of a man is found in a burned-out warehouse. The investigation found that he first set a fire, ate an excessive amount of salt, then used a contraption to bury himself in tons more.

The investigators concluded that his self-preservation instinct must have kicked in.

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My lord, my client is a liftman and this complainant walked in the elevator wearing low cleavage blouse showing ample amount of her breasts"

"Then she caught him checking at them and said angrily

'Stop staring at them and press one quickly ' .

And my client did exactly that. I rest my case ".

What did the man get for losing the most amount of muscle?

Atrophy

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If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

There was a poem contest somewhere in Australia. The two finalists priest and a shepherd. For the final competition they both have to write a short poem that ends on Timbuktu.

The priest starts out with the following:

>I was a priest for all my life.
>
>I had no children and no wife.
>
>I read the bible through and through
>
>on my way to Timbuktu.

He received a good amount of applause, but in the end the sh...

My teacher used to tell me that I'd never amount to anything.

But ten years later, guess who I saw at mcdonalds? My teacher.

I served him a bic mac with no pickles even tho he wanted extra. Who's laughing now?

One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years

Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!

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A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

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Old man and the IRS

There was this old man in his 80's, that got a letter from the IRS telling him to contact them immediately.

He calls and the IRS agent and is told he needs to come to his office regarding some irregularities with his account.

The old man thought about it and decided he should bring h...

Women can receive up to $8,000 for donating their eggs. Can you imagine if men were compensated the same amount for their donation?

I’d have a sock at home worth $72,000

[Long] A mathematician and his infinite amount of friends walk into a bar.

The bartender asks "what will you all be having?" The mathematician then says, "I'll have a beer and my friend will have half a beer, my other friend will have a quarter of a beer. My other friend will have an eighth of a beer, then a sixteenth," etc. This goes on for a while and after about 40 or m...

I ate a dangerous amount of Mexican food

After which Poseidon gave me a rimjob in the toilet.

Got fired today because I fell for a scam asking me to wire a sizable amount of company money to a foreign bank account.

If that hadn't been stupid enough, I also confused the foreign bank account with my own.

Two English gentlemen are fishing on a boat

As they are both fishing in silence, as gentlemen do, the one gets a big pull on his line. After a fair amount of fighting, he pulls a beautiful mermaid out of the water. As he is holding her, he looks at her head to tail: top half woman, and from the waist down fish.

The mermaid looks at him...

Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time which caused a large amount of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he had very bad breath.

Therefore this made him super calloused fragil mystic hexed by halitosis.

One day the amount of plastic in the ocean will be irreversible,

That will be the last straw

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Two economists are walking down the street and they come upon a massive pile of horse shit

Two economists are walking down the street and they come upon a massive pile of horse shit. One says to the other "I'll give you $20,000 if you eat that shit" so he does, and collects his money. They walk a while longer and come upon another pile of horse shit. The shit eater, wanting to get even, t...

A train's co-conductor spotted a landmine on the train tracks up ahead.

"MINE!" the co-conductor shouted.
"What's that?" the head conductor asked cynically. "I thought I've already made it clear that this train is mine. Is that cle-"

Suddenly, the train ran over the landmine, creating a massive explosion, leaving an unfortunate amount of survivors. The head ...

A man walks into a bar, and orders 10 times the amount of drinks as everyone else.

The barman says "now *that's* an order of magnitude!"

When I was in college I went to a fortune teller and she told me that if I stay in school and get my degree I will be making a ridiculous amount of money

Turns out she was right!
Now I work as a crossing guard.

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This is a joke my dad told me a long time ago. I hope I don't offend anyone.

A young man was inspired to help out with his church's fundraiser. He asked the preacher if he could participate. The preacher, knowing the young man had a bad stutter, only gave him 3 bibles to sell.

The following day the young man returned asking for more. The preacher gave him 5. The follo...

The amount of people who don't know the difference between to and too

Is two damn high

What to use if you want to count the amount of meth grams in your body?

Methmatics

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a road vehicle designed to carry a large amount of fuck-ups?

A blunderbuss

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As far as we know, the universe could have an infinite amount of mass.

Just like your mom.

I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been to Chernobyl...

14.

There are increasing amounts of obese people each year

I'm not sure if you understand the weight of the situation

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An Asian walks into a currency exchange and get $100 back for his exchange

Next day he goes there again and for the same amount of money he receives $94 this time.

He asks the teller "why $6 less today compared to yesterday"

The teller say "fluctuations"

The Asian man get up angrily and storms out slamming the door, turns around and shouts "fluc you Am...

What do you get when you break the world record for “not moving for the longest amount of time”?

A certificate and atrophy.

What’s the difference between a chestnut and a walnut?

Depends on the amount of foreplay.

What is the minimum amount of birds to change a lightbulb?

One can’t, but Toucan

Choosing pencils is impossible for me, I'm always confused with the amount of blackness I need.

2B or not 2B, that is the question.

Captain John McGrue was one of the most respected explorers

Born in England, he became known for his seafaring skills at a young age. At the age of 20, he heard the legends of the greatest drinks in the world, a quest many explorers had tried, but unfortunately none could complete the trip. McGrue was talked out of it by every friend, until at 28, already an...

Why does Missouri share borders with the most amount of States?

Because Missouri loves company

How will Trump add yuge amounts of manufacturing jobs?

He will build alternative fact-tories

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poor Dyslexic James (long, original)

James was dyslexic. Because of this, he always struggled in school. He was embarrassed by his dyslexia and never let on or got help for his problems, so his grades suffered. His teachers and guidance counsellors told him he’d never amount to anything. All his life, James just wanted to prove them wr...

Because of all the studying, I spend an unhealthy amount of time sitting.

I think I am understanding.

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible amount of fence.

The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring,

"A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the
best solution."

The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and...

The amount of Valentine's day cards I got this year has left me breathless.

Turns out the card shop has a security guard and he gives a good chase.

I've recently come into a large amount of money

Now it's all stuck together and I regret it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I did my Jamaican stepfather proud by making a successful career in pornography

He always said I would amount to nuttin'...

What's the scientifically proven amount of sleep we all need in the morning?

"Just 5 more minutes."

The amount of new jokes on this sub is ridiculous today.

Just wait 4 years and they will all be reposted.

Harry Potter movies should be rated R for the huge amount of cursing.

... i can find the door out.

I am a builder from Sioux Falls, and I was recently in Madrid at a local tavern, and couldn’t believe the amount of code violations in their building practices. This led me to accept that they are their own culture and....

Nobody inspects the Spanish inn condition.

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