That pro-crime culture is getting ridiculous!

My little brother's teacher asked "Who shot Abraham Lincoln?". He answered "John Wilkes Booth", and the next recess, his locker had "STOP SNITCHING" painted on it.

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign....

"If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."
I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

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I was taking the piss out of a bloke with a ridiculous wig on today.

He had the last laugh though. Sentenced me to 6 months.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The barten...

I know people take the age gap seriously but it's getting ridiculous

For example as a twenty-two year old I'll sometimes bring twenty-one year olds to the bar with me and it's nothing but mean and insensitive comments like they're too young to drink, and where'd you find 20 of them?

A policeman was interviewing 3 guys who want to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh....

I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can’t leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house.

I’m suffering from Stock Home Syndrome.

Today's litigious culture is ridiculous. I was injured in a slip/trip/fall from a cardboard box.

I sued the box and won £5000 in corrugations.

This is getting ridiculous..

Only two days into October and now even COVID is pumpkin spiced.

I used to date a Welsh girl with 32 D’s.

It was a ridiculously long name.

Jewish smoker is asking his Rabbi

Rabbi, is it alright if I smoke during study of Torah?

Rabbi: Absolutely not, out of question. Why would you even ask such ridiculous thing?

The Jewish smoker goes away ashamed, but since he is a pious addict he comes back later and asks Rabbi again.

Rabbi, is it alright if I st...

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fa...

The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,

But backwards it’s even more stupid.

It's officially ridiculous. If I see one more Epstein joke on here I'm going to kill myself.

Just like he didnt.

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One day, a ridiculously bored King in a small town decided to have a contest and the winner would choose, either to marry his daughter, gold and riches... Or name anything that he desires.

Whomsoever jumps down the moat filled with crocodiles, swims to the sides and climbs back up unharmed shall win the contest and name his price.

The crowd gathered near the edge of the moat where the king shouted:

"Is anyone brave enough to entertain me?". And noone dared to respond.<...

The CDC is recommending people bump elbows instead of shaking hands. This is ridiculous advice.

Everyone knows that's how you spread elbowla.

My friend said he wanted to go to Brazil and hump a wild lion. That's ridiculous.

There are no wild lions in Brazil!

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I was watching porn and I saw this add. It was for pills that claimed to make your penis 12 inches longer and I thought, “that’s ridiculous......”

“Nobody wants a 13 inch penis.”

The double standards in relationships nowadays are ridiculous.

It's so bad that both the man *and* the woman are getting the shaft.

I wanted to make a joke criticising YouTube and how ridiculous it's gotten in there

But first, a word from our sponsor RAID: Shadow Legends!

My friends went to Transylvania to see if vampires really exist

That's ridiculous. I've lived there in a castle for 700 years and I've never seen one.

First trip to the USA

My friend and I visited the USA. We landed at LAX and after an epoch, we cleared Homeland Security and got our luggage.

My friend immediately pulled out a pair of brown, furry, shoulder length gloves and pulled them on. I stared at him. He looked ridiculous - the gloves even had claws. ...

One day I was on vacation...

and I left the hotel to go grab dinner. I was walking along the sidewalk downtown and I see three people standing outside of an unmarked building. So, being the usual tourist, I go up to them and I ask them what they are waiting for.

One guy turns around and says, "Hey, this guy in the store...

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Bicycles are bad for national economy

Oh Yes Mr. Reader, Bicycles are bad for national economy, even if its sounds ridiculous but it is always true that: -

Cycling is a danger to the country

Now reasons:

• He doesn't buy cars

• He doesn't take loans

• He does not insure the car

• He doesn't b...

My friend always has the most ridiculous stories. Yesterday he called me and said he had his hand up a rabbit.

I said, "Get out of hare?!"

The circle is the most ridiculous shape in the world

There's absolutely no point to it

Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...

Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.

I have this friend who dresses up his Labrador in this ridiculous yellow jacket.

What is he blind?

"You're so childish!" screamed the wife. "Why do you always have to use that stupid walkie talkie with your stupid friends?! This is ridiculous, this relationship is over!"

"This relationship is what? Over!"

Women must be intimidated by my ridiculously good looks.....

They all try to avoid me nowadays

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous.

The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

"Ahah, look at those italians and their gesticulating, they are ridiculous."

"George, those folks are deaf."

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This "PC" crap is getting ridiculous... A door greeter at my local Walmart got fired for wishing two little girls a Merry Christmas!

I mean, it was August and he wasn't wearing pants, but still...

Two Roman men are talking...

Roman guy 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with.

Roman guy 2: Mmm?

Roman guy 1: Don't be ridiculous, not that many.

When I was in college I went to a fortune teller and she told me that if I stay in school and get my degree I will be making a ridiculous amount of money

Turns out she was right!
Now I work as a crossing guard.

All this rubbish about R. Kelly allegedly marrying a fifteen year old are ridiculous. Everyone knows he prefers twenty nine year olds.

Mostly because there are twenty of them.

Girls are ridiculous man. Give em an inch and they take

All your child support.

All this 'Frozen' merchandise is just getting ridiculous.

I was at the supermarket earlier and they've now got a whole bloody aisle just for Frozen stuff.

Scientology is officially recognised as a religion in the UK, rather than just a cult. A cult being a group who believe in bizarre theories and superstitions, practice daft rituals and accept ridiculous restrictions on their behaviour.

Whereas a religion…….

My wife didn’t think I could name our daughter anything ridiculous

But I called her Bluff

These new diets are getting absolutely ridiculous

Today, some guy was telling me about the joys and benefits of self-cannibalizing. I've never heard anyone that was so full of themself.

A man was pulled over by a police officer...

As the officer approached the vehicle he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat.

Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?"

Smiling the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them."

Realizing the officer was giving hi...

I got arrested by the police

This is so ridiculous, i just wanted to help someone who forgot a pack of flour

You know how kids sometimes cry for the most ridiculous reasons ever?

Well, I was on a bus on my way home when this boy sitting there suddenly decided that he wants to walk, but his dad kept telling him that he can't. So when the boy started crying because of that, I was laughing so hard, because why would you want to walk in the bus? Just stay in your wheelchair.

Joe Biden was having his first briefing as president with the joint chiefs of staff. The topic was the an impending alien invasion, and more specifically an invasion by the aliens known as “the greys”

CIA director: “Sir, we have reason to believe that the greys are becoming a serious problem.”

Biden: “Really? Come on man. I mean, my wife has said that a couple times but I think they’re OK”

DOD director: “OK? Sir, if we don’t eliminate them all immediately, we may find ourselves in s...

At our world famous clinic, many worried, afflicted and mentally unstable people come for assistance. I know it may sound ridiculous, but we start by suggesting they try one of our brain transplant procedures.

They always reject the offer at first, but eventually we change their minds.

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People always jump to ridiculous conclusions.

Like thinking, for some reason, that my dads are gay.

Two black guys are in prison in the USA

\- How long are you in for?
\- 20 years
\- What did you do?
\- Nothing.
\- That's ridiculous, usually nothing only gets you 10 years.

A chauffeur goes to pick up the Pope from the airport.

On arrival at the Vatican airport, the chauffeur picks up the Pope as he always does, but this time the Pope refused to step inside the car. He asks the Pope, "Why won't you get in?" to which the Pope responds, "Let me drive back to the Vatican! I'm from Argentina, we love to drive!" The chauffeur t...

Wait...what?

Two men are playing golf, and there are two ladies playing in front of them.

The ladies are taking forever...really playing slow. The men are getting impatient.

After about three holes of this, one guy says, “This is ridiculous”. “Get in the cart and go tell them to let us play thr...

As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.

It's ridiculous and unfair.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.

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A guy comes in to his doctor's offices having symptoms of tennis elbow. The doctor tells him to go home & pee in a cup & return it for analysis.

The patient thinks this is ridiculous so decides he'd mess with the doctor by taking a pee sample a from his wife. Gets some out of the unflushed toilet after his teenage daughter pee'd. Added some changed oil from his car. Even going so far as to put his sperm in it. The guy returns it for analysis...

The amount of new jokes on this sub is ridiculous today.

Just wait 4 years and they will all be reposted.

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What's worse than a fat guy with a ridiculous haircut who's brainwashed his supporters into viewing him as a god whilst having his finger on the button for nuclear warfare?...

Two fat guys with ridiculous haircuts who've brainwashed their supporters into viewing them as gods whilst having their fingers on the buttons for nuclear warfare!


[Scariest of all is that it’s true :( ]

What do you call a ridiculously strong man with no balls?

Absolute eunuch

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Comrade Stepofsky and Comrade Yuri are standing in a bread line

You know - says stepofsky - this bread line is so long. Every day we wait hours for one measly loaf for a whole family. This is ridiculous! I am going to do something about it

Yeah yeah - mutters Yuri - you talk a big game but you won’t do anything

Next day, Stepofsky returns, even m...

My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games

What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4

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The comedy industry is ridiculously sexist.

Zach Galifinakis can tell a joke to a full theatre and the audience would love it. If Amy Schumer told the same joke a week later in the same theatre to the same audience, she'd be accused of stealing material

Who would pay a ridiculous amount of money for a pair of average over-hyped headphones?

Beats me.

Mario was sick of jumping around all day

He felt like he should be more politically involved. A few weeks ago, his friend Toad helped him set up a TV (mostly for watching trashy reality shows), but Mario became obsessed with US news networks. CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, you name it. He had heard before of American democracy, and found it prefera...

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My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous..

One farmer asks another

\- "Are your cows smokers?"

\- "No, that would be ridiculous!"

\- "Then your barn is on fire."

This is ridiculous!

I just saw a guy put his waterbottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill next to me!
What a waste of space.

(NSFW) Little Jonny is in sewing class

when all of a sudden, he clumsily catches himself with the sewing needle. Seeing that he is bleeding, the teacher offers him a plaster. ‘That won’t do Miss’, says Little Jonny. ‘What I need is some cider’. ‘Don’t be ridiculous’, says the teacher. ‘What on earth for?’ Little Jonny replies, ‘My sister...

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It's ridiculous that Pornhub has a share button for Google+.

I mean, why would I ever let anyone know I have a Google+ account.

The Twelve Thank You Notes Of Christmas

Dec 25

My dearest darling Edward,

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving,

Emily

Dec 26

Beloved Edward,...

I'll tell you what is bordering on the ridiculous...

Canada.

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A guy walks into a bar with his dog.

He says, "Hey, bartender, check this out. My dog can talk!"

The bartender says, "I don't believe that for a second."

"I'm serious. Ask him any question, and he'll give you an answer."

Just to humor the guy, the bartender goes, "Okay, dog. What do you call the top of a house?"...

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The Fisherman

An esteemed researcher in the field of physiology of human sexuality is giving a lecture at the public library on a rainy Tuesday night.

He is explaining the density of nerve endings and his research on the female orgasm.

“While the majority of women experience clitoral orgasm due the...

Don't be ridiculous, i have no problem with alcohol !

Only without

I know a store that sells tennis equipment at ridiculously high prices.

What a racket!

It’s ridiculous that the pope has to go around surrounded by armed guards these days

I know he’s a priest but he’s not going to do anything out in public

When he heard that John McCain wanted to keep President Trump away from his funeral, Senator Orrin Hatch was criticized for saying "That's ridiculous". Senator, the appropriate response in that situation is....

"Hey, it's your funeral".

To all the "I'm moving to Canada" people out there, you're being ridiculous.

You won't be far enough to escape the nuclear fallout. Shoot for New Zealand or Australia.

This fat hate on reddit has been ridiculous lately. Come on, give them a break.

They have enough on their plates already.

What is the most ridiculous and funniest investment scheme ever?

A Punzi scheme.

My wife bought me a ridiculously expensive wig which covered me from head to toe! Wtf, I mean... I had to return it...

... simply far too much toupee.

A teenager tells his father, “There’s water in my car’s carburetor.”

The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”

But the son insists, “I’m telling you, there’s water in the carburetor.”

His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is” he says, “I’ll check it out. Where’s the...

The concept of drilling for oil was ridiculous in the mid 19th century.

Now we just see it as groundbreaking.

What is the most ridiculous medical condition?

Radiculopathy

A police officer told me my dog was chasing people on bikes.

That’s ridiculous! My dog doesn’t even own a bike!

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Did you hear about the Women with 12 boobs?

Sounds ridiculous, Dozen Tit?

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A little boy goes shopping with his mom and is waiting outside the changing room for her to come out.

While waiting, the little boy gets bored and as his mom comes out sees him sliding his hand up a mannequins skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't ge...

Who, When, What, Why and How walk into a bar.

How: Where's Where?

When: Who?

Why: No, Who is already here.

When: But how?

How: Stop being silly, I got here with the rest of us.

Who: This is getting rather whimsical...

Why: What?

What: Yes?

Why: I wasn't talking to you.

What: Who?...

The price of smartphones are getting way too ridiculous

If I fall and hear something crack, I'm hoping it's a bone

After days of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, Larry finally confronted her.

"Admit it," he said. "The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me a million dollars."

"Don't be ridiculous!" she shot back. "I don't care who left the money with you."

Romie couldn’t take his eyes off of Julie

and so one day he plucked up the courage to ask her out on a date. He told her to meet him at the new fancy Italian restaurant at 7pm.

Romie got their early and Julie arrived at bang on 7pm as agreed. They both walk in to the restaurant and the waiter takes them to a romantic table alone in ...

My redneck cousin is looking for a girl into multiple partners. I told him that was ridiculously cliché...

I mean really. Cracker wants a poly?

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A man is trying to water his garden.

However, when he aims his hose, instead of water coming out, he hears a voice saying "Piss in my mouth".

He keeps trying, but whatever he tries, he just hears more out of the hose. "Mmm, oh yeah, pee all over my face, get it in my mouth, oh yeah."

This is ridiculous, he thinks. I just ...

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My favorite long joke - A man is having an affair with another guy's wife when the husband comes home early.

Wife : Hide in the closest and you'll be fine.

So the man throws on his clothes and jumps in the closet. Not long after he hears a little boy's voice in the closet with him.

Boy: It's dark in here.

Man: Yeah so? Just please keep it down.

Boy: I have baseball. Do you want ...

Apparently the police have been going to a load of house parties as lockdown rules are getting implemented.

Ridiculous, one rule for us and another for them.

I'm not proud of it but I went out last night & got ridiculously drunk.

I woke up this morning next to a woman who was constantly farting & snoring.
It felt good to know I’d made it home safely.

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.



"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.
"Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the de...

Medical prices these days are ridiculous

Why, something as simple as an amputation costs an arm and a leg.

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Too much golfing

For some time, my wife's had this ridiculous idea that I'm playing too much golf. Actually, it came to a head at about 11pm last night. She suddenly shouted at me: "Golf, golf, golf. All you ever think about is bloody golf!". And I'll be honest, she scared the shit out of me. I mean, you don't expec...

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How I got my car

I was walking down the road when a beautiful woman in a swank car offered me a ride. Before I knew it, we were in the middle of the woods. She got out, took all her clothes off, and told me I could have whatever I wanted. So I took the car. Woulda looked ridiculous in her clothes, anyway.

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A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman - a practicing witch.

The morning after she caught him with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day. In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician, who examined the man and ran tests on the...

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