When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign....

"If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."
I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

I know people take the age gap seriously but it's getting ridiculous

For example as a twenty-two year old I'll sometimes bring twenty-one year olds to the bar with me and it's nothing but mean and insensitive comments like they're too young to drink, and where'd you find 20 of them?

Indiana Jones is a collection ridiculous movies

I mean one scene is absolute Balderdash

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

Today's litigious culture is ridiculous. I was injured in a slip/trip/fall from a cardboard box.

I sued the box and won £5000 in corrugations.

I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can’t leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house.

I’m suffering from Stock Home Syndrome.

The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,

But backwards it’s even more stupid.

This is getting ridiculous..

Only two days into October and now even COVID is pumpkin spiced.

A English teacher has been sentenced to life without parole. The ex-teacher, seemingly unaware, asked the judge if that really was his sentence. The judge questioned why he would ask such a ridiculous question.

“Well you see,” The English teacher explained. “‘Life without parole’ is a phrase.”

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fa...

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I was watching porn and I saw this add. It was for pills that claimed to make your penis 12 inches longer and I thought, “that’s ridiculous......”

“Nobody wants a 13 inch penis.”

The double standards in relationships nowadays are ridiculous.

It's so bad that both the man *and* the woman are getting the shaft.

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An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartend...

My friend said he wanted to go to Brazil and hump a wild lion. That's ridiculous.

There are no wild lions in Brazil!

The circle is the most ridiculous shape in the world

There's absolutely no point to it

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One day, a ridiculously bored King in a small town decided to have a contest and the winner would choose, either to marry his daughter, gold and riches... Or name anything that he desires.

Whomsoever jumps down the moat filled with crocodiles, swims to the sides and climbs back up unharmed shall win the contest and name his price.

The crowd gathered near the edge of the moat where the king shouted:

"Is anyone brave enough to entertain me?". And noone dared to respond.<...

The CDC is recommending people bump elbows instead of shaking hands. This is ridiculous advice.

Everyone knows that's how you spread elbowla.

I wanted to make a joke criticising YouTube and how ridiculous it's gotten in there

But first, a word from our sponsor RAID: Shadow Legends!

I got arrested by the police

This is so ridiculous, i just wanted to help someone who forgot a pack of flour

My friend always has the most ridiculous stories. Yesterday he called me and said he had his hand up a rabbit.

I said, "Get out of hare?!"

Women must be intimidated by my ridiculously good looks.....

They all try to avoid me nowadays

Joe Biden was having his first briefing as president with the joint chiefs of staff. The topic was the an impending alien invasion, and more specifically an invasion by the aliens known as “the greys”

CIA director: “Sir, we have reason to believe that the greys are becoming a serious problem.”

Biden: “Really? Come on man. I mean, my wife has said that a couple times but I think they’re OK”

DOD director: “OK? Sir, if we don’t eliminate them all immediately, we may find ourselves in s...

Two Roman men are talking...

Roman guy 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with.

Roman guy 2: Mmm?

Roman guy 1: Don't be ridiculous, not that many.

A teacher asks her class: "How long can a human being survive without sleeping?"

Mary on the first row responds: "24h".

Peter on the second row responds: "48h".

Then the teacher sees John, daydreaming as usual, and asks him: "What do you think John?"

John goes, "I think... 3 weeks minus 15 minutes."

"Come on John", the teacher says, "Why it doesn't s...

Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...

Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.

I have this friend who dresses up his Labrador in this ridiculous yellow jacket.

What is he blind?

It's officially ridiculous. If I see one more Epstein joke on here I'm going to kill myself.

Just like he didnt.

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A guy comes in to his doctor's offices having symptoms of tennis elbow. The doctor tells him to go home & pee in a cup & return it for analysis.

The patient thinks this is ridiculous so decides he'd mess with the doctor by taking a pee sample a from his wife. Gets some out of the unflushed toilet after his teenage daughter pee'd. Added some changed oil from his car. Even going so far as to put his sperm in it. The guy returns it for analysis...

A chauffeur goes to pick up the Pope from the airport.

On arrival at the Vatican airport, the chauffeur picks up the Pope as he always does, but this time the Pope refused to step inside the car. He asks the Pope, "Why won't you get in?" to which the Pope responds, "Let me drive back to the Vatican! I'm from Argentina, we love to drive!" The chauffeur t...

"You're so childish!" screamed the wife. "Why do you always have to use that stupid walkie talkie with your stupid friends?! This is ridiculous, this relationship is over!"

"This relationship is what? Over!"

A man was pulled over by a police officer...

As the officer approached the vehicle he noticed a large number of knives in the back seat.

Looking at the driver he asked, "Sir, do you have a good reason for needing all those large knives?"

Smiling the driver said, "Why yes, I juggle them."

Realizing the officer was giving hi...

Two black guys are in prison in the USA

\- How long are you in for?
\- 20 years
\- What did you do?
\- Nothing.
\- That's ridiculous, usually nothing only gets you 10 years.

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Comrade Stepofsky and Comrade Yuri are standing in a bread line

You know - says stepofsky - this bread line is so long. Every day we wait hours for one measly loaf for a whole family. This is ridiculous! I am going to do something about it

Yeah yeah - mutters Yuri - you talk a big game but you won’t do anything

Next day, Stepofsky returns, even m...

"Ahah, look at those italians and their gesticulating, they are ridiculous."

"George, those folks are deaf."

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous.

The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games

What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4

All this rubbish about R. Kelly allegedly marrying a fifteen year old are ridiculous. Everyone knows he prefers twenty nine year olds.

Mostly because there are twenty of them.

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This "PC" crap is getting ridiculous... A door greeter at my local Walmart got fired for wishing two little girls a Merry Christmas!

I mean, it was August and he wasn't wearing pants, but still...

When I was in college I went to a fortune teller and she told me that if I stay in school and get my degree I will be making a ridiculous amount of money

Turns out she was right!
Now I work as a crossing guard.

My wife didn’t think I could name our daughter anything ridiculous

But I called her Bluff

Girls are ridiculous man. Give em an inch and they take

All your child support.

Scientology is officially recognised as a religion in the UK, rather than just a cult. A cult being a group who believe in bizarre theories and superstitions, practice daft rituals and accept ridiculous restrictions on their behaviour.

Whereas a religion…….

The Twelve Thank You Notes Of Christmas

Dec 25

My dearest darling Edward,

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving,

Emily

Dec 26

Beloved Edward,...

Wait...what?

Two men are playing golf, and there are two ladies playing in front of them.

The ladies are taking forever...really playing slow. The men are getting impatient.

After about three holes of this, one guy says, “This is ridiculous”. “Get in the cart and go tell them to let us play thr...

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My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".

I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous..

One farmer asks another

\- "Are your cows smokers?"

\- "No, that would be ridiculous!"

\- "Then your barn is on fire."

These new diets are getting absolutely ridiculous

Today, some guy was telling me about the joys and benefits of self-cannibalizing. I've never heard anyone that was so full of themself.

All this 'Frozen' merchandise is just getting ridiculous.

I was at the supermarket earlier and they've now got a whole bloody aisle just for Frozen stuff.

As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.

It's ridiculous and unfair.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.

You know how kids sometimes cry for the most ridiculous reasons ever?

Well, I was on a bus on my way home when this boy sitting there suddenly decided that he wants to walk, but his dad kept telling him that he can't. So when the boy started crying because of that, I was laughing so hard, because why would you want to walk in the bus? Just stay in your wheelchair.

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A guy walks into a bar with his dog.

He says, "Hey, bartender, check this out. My dog can talk!"

The bartender says, "I don't believe that for a second."

"I'm serious. Ask him any question, and he'll give you an answer."

Just to humor the guy, the bartender goes, "Okay, dog. What do you call the top of a house?"...

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The Fisherman

An esteemed researcher in the field of physiology of human sexuality is giving a lecture at the public library on a rainy Tuesday night.

He is explaining the density of nerve endings and his research on the female orgasm.

“While the majority of women experience clitoral orgasm due the...

At our world famous clinic, many worried, afflicted and mentally unstable people come for assistance. I know it may sound ridiculous, but we start by suggesting they try one of our brain transplant procedures.

They always reject the offer at first, but eventually we change their minds.

(NSFW) Little Jonny is in sewing class

when all of a sudden, he clumsily catches himself with the sewing needle. Seeing that he is bleeding, the teacher offers him a plaster. ‘That won’t do Miss’, says Little Jonny. ‘What I need is some cider’. ‘Don’t be ridiculous’, says the teacher. ‘What on earth for?’ Little Jonny replies, ‘My sister...

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People always jump to ridiculous conclusions.

Like thinking, for some reason, that my dads are gay.

The amount of new jokes on this sub is ridiculous today.

Just wait 4 years and they will all be reposted.

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What's worse than a fat guy with a ridiculous haircut who's brainwashed his supporters into viewing him as a god whilst having his finger on the button for nuclear warfare?...

Two fat guys with ridiculous haircuts who've brainwashed their supporters into viewing them as gods whilst having their fingers on the buttons for nuclear warfare!


[Scariest of all is that it’s true :( ]

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The comedy industry is ridiculously sexist.

Zach Galifinakis can tell a joke to a full theatre and the audience would love it. If Amy Schumer told the same joke a week later in the same theatre to the same audience, she'd be accused of stealing material

Who would pay a ridiculous amount of money for a pair of average over-hyped headphones?

Beats me.

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It's ridiculous that Pornhub has a share button for Google+.

I mean, why would I ever let anyone know I have a Google+ account.

A police officer told me my dog was chasing people on bikes.

That’s ridiculous! My dog doesn’t even own a bike!

I'll tell you what is bordering on the ridiculous...

Canada.

Romie couldn’t take his eyes off of Julie

and so one day he plucked up the courage to ask her out on a date. He told her to meet him at the new fancy Italian restaurant at 7pm.

Romie got their early and Julie arrived at bang on 7pm as agreed. They both walk in to the restaurant and the waiter takes them to a romantic table alone in ...

What do you call a ridiculously strong man with no balls?

Absolute eunuch

After days of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, Larry finally confronted her.

"Admit it," he said. "The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me a million dollars."

"Don't be ridiculous!" she shot back. "I don't care who left the money with you."

Don't be ridiculous, i have no problem with alcohol !

Only without

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My favorite long joke - A man is having an affair with another guy's wife when the husband comes home early.

Wife : Hide in the closest and you'll be fine.

So the man throws on his clothes and jumps in the closet. Not long after he hears a little boy's voice in the closet with him.

Boy: It's dark in here.

Man: Yeah so? Just please keep it down.

Boy: I have baseball. Do you want ...

It’s ridiculous that the pope has to go around surrounded by armed guards these days

I know he’s a priest but he’s not going to do anything out in public

Apparently the police have been going to a load of house parties as lockdown rules are getting implemented.

Ridiculous, one rule for us and another for them.

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Too much golfing

For some time, my wife's had this ridiculous idea that I'm playing too much golf. Actually, it came to a head at about 11pm last night. She suddenly shouted at me: "Golf, golf, golf. All you ever think about is bloody golf!". And I'll be honest, she scared the shit out of me. I mean, you don't expec...

When he heard that John McCain wanted to keep President Trump away from his funeral, Senator Orrin Hatch was criticized for saying "That's ridiculous". Senator, the appropriate response in that situation is....

"Hey, it's your funeral".

A teenager tells his father, “There’s water in my car’s carburetor.”

The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”

But the son insists, “I’m telling you, there’s water in the carburetor.”

His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is” he says, “I’ll check it out. Where’s the...

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How I got my car

I was walking down the road when a beautiful woman in a swank car offered me a ride. Before I knew it, we were in the middle of the woods. She got out, took all her clothes off, and told me I could have whatever I wanted. So I took the car. Woulda looked ridiculous in her clothes, anyway.

What is the most ridiculous and funniest investment scheme ever?

A Punzi scheme.

To all the "I'm moving to Canada" people out there, you're being ridiculous.

You won't be far enough to escape the nuclear fallout. Shoot for New Zealand or Australia.

Who, When, What, Why and How walk into a bar.

How: Where's Where?

When: Who?

Why: No, Who is already here.

When: But how?

How: Stop being silly, I got here with the rest of us.

Who: This is getting rather whimsical...

Why: What?

What: Yes?

Why: I wasn't talking to you.

What: Who?...

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A little boy goes shopping with his mom and is waiting outside the changing room for her to come out.

While waiting, the little boy gets bored and as his mom comes out sees him sliding his hand up a mannequins skirt. "Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't ge...

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A man is trying to water his garden.

However, when he aims his hose, instead of water coming out, he hears a voice saying "Piss in my mouth".

He keeps trying, but whatever he tries, he just hears more out of the hose. "Mmm, oh yeah, pee all over my face, get it in my mouth, oh yeah."

This is ridiculous, he thinks. I just ...

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Did you hear about the Women with 12 boobs?

Sounds ridiculous, Dozen Tit?

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The Joke

So there I was, right in the middle of this Wedding, on a beautiful Sunday afternoon. I’ve been to many weddings before, but this particular one I will never forget...

As I closely paid attention to the soon to be man and wife, a joke that I heard the day before randomly crossed my mind. The ...

My wife bought me a ridiculously expensive wig which covered me from head to toe! Wtf, I mean... I had to return it...

... simply far too much toupee.

Two old men sitting on a park bench discussing their junk

First one says, “I’ll bet you mine is longer soft than yours is hard.”

Second one says, “That’s ridiculous. I’ve known you my whole life. Never have you, _or your wife_, bragged of such a thing.”

“Fifty bucks says mine is longer soft than yours is hard.”

“You’re on. How long is ...

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.



"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says.
"Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."
"That's still too expensive," the man says.
"Okay," says the de...

This fat hate on reddit has been ridiculous lately. Come on, give them a break.

They have enough on their plates already.

The price of smartphones are getting way too ridiculous

If I fall and hear something crack, I'm hoping it's a bone

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A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him, until he betrayed the wrong woman - a practicing witch.

The morning after she caught him with another girl, he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead. He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to ridiculous proportions throughout the day. In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician, who examined the man and ran tests on the...

A man feels burnt out by his busy city life, and decides to vacation as far away as possible from the hustle and bustle.

He finds himself in a cozy cabin just outside of a small, remote Alaskan town. For a few days he marvels at the serenity of the forest. He fishes, he hikes, he naps blissfully while listening to the trees sway. But by the middle of the week, he begins to get bored, and goes to town.

Checking...

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Dangers of AI ( no relation to Alexa)

One day a dad comes home from work, with anew robot he's been working on.

During dinner he shows it to the family, explaining that how it detects liars and slaps them.

Dad: what did you do today son?

Son: went to school.

The robot promptly slaps the son.

Dad: are y...

A local beekeeper was selling his bees for 5 dollars each.

"5 dollars for a single bee?! That's ridiculous," I complained.

"Well, if you don't like the price, you can select from that hive over there, those are freebies."

The concept of drilling for oil was ridiculous in the mid 19th century.

Now we just see it as groundbreaking.

Well endowed navy crew member- nsfw

There once was a man who was in the navy who was very well endowed, but for some reason had a really high pitched voice. One that had the whole crew laughing and making jokes about him. So one day he went to see the doctor. The doctor said his high pitched voice was due to him having such a big memb...

[This isn't a joke but something on the sub I'd like to talk about - hopefully this doesn't get removed]

Can we all stop complaining about people using other people's jokes? Please?

The whole point of a joke is to make people laugh, so when we hear a funny joke we want to share it with others! How often have you come up with a hilarious original joke? Most jokes you tell were someone else's firs...

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A man walks into an unfamiliar bar

He sits down at the bar and sees a pot of cash filled to the brim with notes. As he orders his drink he ask the bartender "what's with the pot of cash?"

The barman replies "we have a 3 tier game going on, winner takes all. £100 entry."

"Just out of curiosity, whats involved?" Asks the ...

My redneck cousin is looking for a girl into multiple partners. I told him that was ridiculously cliché...

I mean really. Cracker wants a poly?

A man is standing in a breadline in Soviet Russia.

The line stretches for several blocks long. Finally losing his patience, he says. "You know what, this is ridiculous. I'm going to go and kill Stalin". With that, he leaves the line. An hour later he comes back and rejoins the line.

"So, did you kill Stalin?" the woman behind him asks.
...

I'm not proud of it but I went out last night & got ridiculously drunk.

I woke up this morning next to a woman who was constantly farting & snoring.
It felt good to know I’d made it home safely.

Medical prices these days are ridiculous

Why, something as simple as an amputation costs an arm and a leg.

Beards at work

Just a word of advice, if a woman at work asks you "When are you going to shave off that ridiculous mustache?!" Do not reply "When you shave yours!". It could land you in HR....

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