Total Jokes - 115 Hilarious Total Jokes

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Pizza guy: your total is $26.34

Me: I can't afford that

Pizza guy: well you're gonna have to pay some other way, then

Me: \[takes out wallet\] wait I forgot I had 30 bucks

Porn director: Cut, WTF?

Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it "Bang"

I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last night."

My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now

New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey.

I can totally relate to batteries

I'm not included in anything either.

I totally understand how batteries feel...

I'm rarely ever included in things either.

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Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

"Remember son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything.

"Dad, are you sure?"

"Absolutely!"

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[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

A hunting joke ( read full it's totally worth it)

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a...

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A Korean man and a Jewish man are in a bar, total strangers to one another.

The Jewish man walks up to the Korean man and, totally unprompted, punches him in the face.

Naturally, the Korean man goes "What was that for?"

The Jewish man responds, "That was for Pearl Harbor."

"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese," says the Korean man.

"Ah, Korean,...

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down ...

My SUV needs all 4 tires replaced at a total cost of $800. That's more than the stimulus they gave us and so the wife freaked out a little.

I told her that it's no big deal and we can just rent a SUV for a day and it would only cost $50.

She said I was an idiot and that we would need an SUV for more then 24 hours.

Then I explained to her that it's more then enough time for me to swap the tires.

"The total cost would be £3000," said the funeral director.

"And that includes digging the grave."

"Is that the whole thing?" I asked.

He replied, "Yes, that's the hole thing."

What did Jim Carrey say after achieving total enlightenment?

Alrighty Zen

My best mate told me he was totally into Beyonce.

I said "whatever floats your boat mate"

He said "No, thats buoyancy"

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It's total bullshit that you need a parachute to go sky diving.

You need a parachute if you plan to sky dive twice.

I totally understand why people work at fragrance factories...

Makes scents...

Total chaos would ensue.

What would happen if the fly on the wall told the elephant in the room about the skeleton in the closet?

I was totally shocked that my Border Collie loved the Harry Potter movies

I mean, he completely hated the books

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My grandad was a WWII veteran. In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing a total of 32 Nazi aviators.

He was easily the worst aircraft mechanic the Luftwaffe has ever had.

After Rudy Giuliani held a press conference at Four Seasons Total Landscaping, he experienced chest pains.

He was quickly rushed to Mount Sinai Heating & Plumbing.

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculatio...

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I think it’s totally acceptable to tell jokes about eating ass.

As long as they’re tongue-in-cheek.

Four Seasons Total Landscaping

I’m not ready to stop laughing.

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A married couple are totally broke so...

they discuss ways to make some money. The woman is a real knockout and tells her hubby that while she is not happy about it she can make money with her body. They man is worried but agrees and they decide to visit the local bar. He tells her to stand out front and ask the guys as they leave, and not...

I totally forgot the Super Bowl was tonight!

Don't worry; so did the ~~Patriots~~ Falcons.

Jokes about female hygiene are totally inappropriate

Period.

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A lot of people have compared Trump to Hitler, but this is totally unfair.

Hitler had the decency to admit defeat.

I was really happy when I opened four birthday cards and found a total of $200 in them.

I love being a postman.

Nothing says I have total faith in God

than the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car.

A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet...

But I can only walk so fast.

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A woman rushes to her gynaecologist in a total panic.

“Doctor, doctor! I made a horrible mistake, I hooked up with a guy i met at a bar and now I’m worried! Is it true you can get pregnant from anal sex?”

“Of course you can my dear, where do you think lawyers come from.”

Which words of encouragement are totally inappropriate for veterinarians?

You're gonna kill it!

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of...

Total Eclipse Today

I tried using a colander to view the eclipse.

I think I've strained my eyes.

My wife is not totally satisfied with my body...

A small part of me knows why.

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I'd totally fuck Dracula

You could say I'm... down for the count.

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident.

Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine!" the blond...

Totally failed to make a Mickey Mouse pancake…

I could only get the two ears done. I think this one is a bust !

Apparently, France still leads the US in total executions performed.

However, I don't think that's a fair comparison as France got a head start.

Hermann Rorschach was a total pervert

You should see the stuff he used to paint.

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I once hooked up with a Japanese porn star...

...but it was a total blur.

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

I was shopping at Total Wine...

when a salesclerk approached me and asked, "Do you need help?"

I said, "Yes, but I'm here to buy scotch instead."

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Two months ago, while I was leaving Wal-Mart, I got totally scammed.

These two gorgeous college girls, wearing nothing but bikini tops and mini-shorts, started washing my car just as I was about to leave the parking lot. When they were finished, I asked them, "How much should I pay you?" One of the two girls said, "We don't accept payment in money. We accept payment ...

A total Dad joke I heard this holiday.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef.

Sorry Reddit :-)

At first I didn’t like my mustache, because it made me look like a total dad.

But it’s growing on me.

I opened a bar for men with erectile dysfunction.

It was a total flop. Nobody came

I am totally not a racist but...

Compared to all the others types of races, I think the 400 meter hurdles present the most barriers for track athletes.

My mom is forcing me out and it's totally unfair...

I've only lived here for 9 months

Today I totally forgot the name of Kim Kardashian’s ex-husband…

Today I totally forgot the name of Kim Kardashian’s ex-husband…

but then it donda me.

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Englishman: "That your dog?"

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

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A man gets totally shitfaced after way too much drinks with his friends on a Saturday night, then goes back home. (Long but cute :-)

He has a hard time opening the door, being very careful to not wake up the wife. He starts to climb the stairs to the bedroom, but the world is collapsing every other second around him. He falls, tries to crawl a few more steps, and faints.

Next morning:

He wakes up in pyjamas in bed, ...

The cashier chuckled when he rang up my total.

I really wish he would stop laughing at me expense.

I gave a woman my umbrella yesterday

That brings the total number of women I’ve made wet this year to -1

People usually think rolling a Natural 1 is a total disaster

But apparently the real disaster is Roll20.

My wife and I are total opposites

We got in an argument about it.

I was right.

She left.

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A woman came out of her annual health checkup totally beaming!!

Her husband asked " what happened ? "

"The doctor was stunned and he said that for a 45 year old woman , I've the breasts of an 18 year old "

"Did he say anything about your 45 year old ass?" Asked the husband.

" No " she answered " the topic of you never came up in the conver...

A totally naked woman rushed into a taxi.

The taxi driver turned back and stared at her so keenly.

The woman asked the taxi driver, "Why are you staring at me that way, haven't you ever seen a naked woman?"

The taxi driver replied, "No, I just wonder where you have my money."

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Isn't it weird that phrases mean something totally different as an adult than when you were a kid?

Like, "It's time for a spanking." "You've been a bad girl." Or "Come over here and suck daddy's dick."

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Totally didn't steal this from r/iamverysmart

Once, the Oracle of Delphi had declared Socrates to be the wisest man in the world.

In response, Socrates said "Surely I'm not, for there's so much about this world that I don't know. I know not the meaning of life nor truth nor purpose, and so much more. Please, Oracle, let me find the true ...

Having Shark Week is totally racist

because all I hear that week is Great White

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so the new boss is a total ass

doesnt like anyone. I see him standing one late evening by the shredder. staring at it. looking where the buttons are. struggling to see how it works. I decide to help him. get in his good books you know. I ask him can I help, he says yes please with puppy dog eyes. I put the stack of papers in the ...

Y’all are nuts- Trump TOTALLY made America great again.

So what if he had to lose an election for that to happen.

Last nights party was wild. I got totally wasted then jumped in my Uber

Imagine the look on the faces of my passengers while I checked the route.

Bill Cosby would have been totally cleared..

had he run for President

What is Samsung CEO's favorite movie

Total recall

My cousin told me it's totally safe to get a dental piercing

Turns out he was lying through his teeth.

Which fictional character i would totally bang?

My Girlfriend!

Did you know that 20 pirahnas can demolish a small child down to the bone in under 30 seconds?

In other news, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

(My nephew told me this joke yesterday, totally deadpan! Thought it was worth sharing!)

A pub's closing and a totally plastered customer struggles to get to the door

Then struggles to walk home, despite only living a few hundred yards from there. He literally crawls on the pavement all the way back home, drags himself up the stairs and eventually reaches his bed after two hours. He wakes up the next morning, and his wife tells him:

"You were really drunk ...

I understand wanting to celebrate 11 additional days of Christmas for a total of 12...

But all I can ever think about is some poor woman out there got 23 unwanted birds.

They had no idea at the job that I was a total drunk

Until I showed up sober one day

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During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children enter the dining room totally nude and walk slowly around the table.

The parents are so embarrassed that they pretend nothing is happening and keep the conversation going. The guests cooperate and also continue as if nothing extraordinary is happening. After going all the way around the room the children leave, and there is a moment of silence at the table, during wh...

It's rainy outside, gf is looking through the window totally depressed... I don't know what to do

Should I let her come in ?

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Saying "sorry not sorry" makes you a total asshole

Sorry not sorry

Today I got 150 Valentines cards, I was totally shocked and breathless

The security guard at Hallmark gave quite a chase!

I got totally drunk last night at a party...

So, as a responsible person, I didn’t want to drive home and called a cab. I was so drunk I couldn’t remember my address, so the cab drove me around the city all night long.... only in the morning, waking up in the cab did I remember... the party was at my place!

I totaled my swedish car today...

But you don't want to hear my Saab story.

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After a tough week, a colleague said he was totally wiped out.

I said, "You're an asshole. What did you expect?"

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I would totally kiss a dude for some 2% milk right now

No Homo

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During a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, Bono asked the audience for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands. Once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

From the front of the crowd, a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet: "Well fuckin...

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Adam Sandler told the funniest joke I've ever heard. It's about Shaq.

So Sandler relays the story below:

I was playing basketball and got the opportunity to play with Shaq. It was great. Afterward it just so happens that I'm in the showers and it's just him and me in adjoining showers. So I think to myself, I've got to see his penis. This is my one chance. I've...

I'm totally into polar bears.

Some people call me crazy.

I'm completely Inuit.

My pickle order was totally under-cooked.

It was really a raw dill.

"Dad, can you tell me what a total eclipse is ?"

No sun

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explain...

This morning at the bank, while I was in line, two people with masks entered...there was TOTAL PANIC..

Then they said: “This is a robbery”...and we all calmed down...

The judge asked the woman what she stole. She replied, “I stole a can of peaches.”

The judge then asked, “how many peaches were in the can?”

“Six,” replied the woman.

After consideration, the judge decided to sentence her one night of prison for every peach she stole. Six nights total.

At this moment the woman felt helpless, bawling her eyes out, she didn’t kn...

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The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape...

Two elephants meet a totally naked guy.

After a while one elephant says to the other, “I really don’t get how he could feed himself with that thing.”

I just watched a beautiful woman doing stand up comedy totally naked.

Never laughed so hard in my life.

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My therapist shared with me that I’m totally incapable of expressing emotions.

I can’t say I’m surprised.

i have a luxury diesel mercedes and its a total piece of rubbish!

i have driven manual my entire life and i got my first automatic and my bloody last one!. i bought new, but it only works during the daytime, at night it shuts off. now look, i put the automatic into d mode during the day, it works fine, but then at night it goes into n mode and won't move.

The weakening and eventual shut down to the AMOC is expected to reduce total precipitation in North America and increase it in Africa.

Hundreds of millions of North Americans experiencing the worst droughts in history will be like "I guess the rain's down in Africa."

I totally just opened up a can of worms

So far they are just sitting there. Hardly the chaos that's been advertised.

The sun is totally killing it

... I mean look at him he’s just on fire today

Jupiter has a total of 64 moons.

Their werewolf problem must be enormous.

I’ll totally let people walk all over me...

It’ll be fun to watch them trip over my rolls

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I saw the worst British porno from the 60s, it was totally filthy and unsanitary...

Carrion up your Khyber.

My idea of starting a professional Hide and Seek tournament was a total disaster.

Good players are hard to find.

Why did the Karen scream at the cashier that buying a lot of something should decrease the total price?

She was trying to get a volume discount.

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Beyond just the name, Moby Dick was still totally gay

He swallowed a lot of seamen

Hear the one about the Buddhist monk who almost achieved total spiritual enlightenment?

He only made it to Nearvana.

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People told me that a vasectomy would totally change sex for me.

But it didn't have a vas deferens

Coming from a Chinese person, Trump's wall totally works.

I can confirm there are no Mexicans in China.

I can totally keep secrets.

It's the people I tell them to that can't.

Totally Responsible

A young man applied for a job at a new factory being built in a nearby town. He entered the main office, where the receptionist directed him down the hall to an office where he was to be interviewed by the Personnel Officer.

After several minutes of describing and explaining all about the new...

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When does your wife totally freak out?

So, three gents were hanging out at a bar and started to talk about what makes their wives totally freak out...

The first says: "I bang her in all these different positions, but when I take her from behind and rub her tits at the same time, she totally freaks out!"

The ...

After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years

But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

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What do a Total Bitch and her Tampon have in common? NSFW

They're both Stuck-up Cunts.

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My wife told me today that some days, i can be a total bastard

I've chosen mondays and wednesdays

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A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around,

that they offered a standing $1,000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshore...

Turns out the racist attack on the actor from empire was total bullsh**

I could smollett from a mile away.

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby ...

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