I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

I couldn't join the KKK if I wanted to, my bloodline isn't pure enough.

Turns out my parents weren't even related.

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NSFW John had married Eileen, as she was a rules girl, she'd kept herself pure until her wedding night.

As Eileen took off her wedding dress, John undid his shoe laces. Eileen noticed for the first time John's size 10 shoes were padded with foam he pulled his feet out of the shoes and they looked like baby feet. She said "My, haven't you got tiny feet?" John looked embarrassed, he said "I had toe-sill...

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What do you call Albert Einstein masturbating?

A stroke of pure genius.

Jesus said, "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."

But I think it'd be nice if God let everyone see him, regardless if you have a coronary blockage.

A couple go to the hospital because the wife is extremely pregnant.

A couple go to the hospital because the wife is heavily pregnant. The consultant tells them , “ We have this revolutionary new treatment, we give this special injection to the mother and all the birth pain transfers from the mother to the father.Would you like to try it?”

They discuss it and ...

Did you know that headaches are purely psychological?

Yeah, they're all in your head!

A man and his dog were walking along a road

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them..

After a while, they came to...

Once upon a time, in a magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

I’m going to join the Navy purely out of spite

I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

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Frustrated by a world of moral decay, a man decided that he wanted a pure, innocent woman for his wife.

So he went to church in the hope of finding someone who had not been corrupted by modern society. After two weeks, he met a charming girl and took her back to his place for the ultimate test. Whipping out his manhood, he asked her: ‘What’s this?’

‘A cock,’ she replied.

Disappointed by ...

My wife out of pure boredom started doing this new thing during quarantine that I really enjoy.

Me.

What does a kangaroo do when it gets COVID?

Pure comedy gold from my 10 year old:

What does a kangaroo do when it gets Covid? Goes to the hop-spittle.

I can’t take my dog to the park anymore. He keeps getting attacked by ducks.

I guess that’s the last time I buy a pure bread dog.

A man dies and goes to Heaven

As Jesus is giving him the tour, he notices something: “Why so many clocks?”

“Those are sin clocks.” Jesus explains, “Their movement represents every sin ever committed by everyone, every lie, fraud, and other untoward act, and each stops once they die. Fortunately, you’re a good man of fait...

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A man goes to a bar and meets an escort...

...after talking to her fr a bit, he asks her, ‟Alright.Enough talk.How much is it gonna cost me for a handjob?”

‟$50,” She says.

‟$50 for a handjob? You have got to be kidding me!” He replies.

‟Come over here,” She says.‟See that car outside?” She points to the window.He looks ...

An Arab student emails his dad:

*An Arab student emails his dad:*

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,
but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.

...

George W. Bush is sitting with his aides...

and he’s getting debriefed on the world news of the day.The news is rather mundane and unexciting, but one of his aides states that 3 Brazilian people perished in a plane crash early this morning.

Dubya’s reaction is pure shock and grief, he’s shaking and can not control his emotions.
...

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You didn't expect a snail joke, but here it is.

**God:** To each of man and woman, I bestow a way to sexually reproduce with distinct organs, the act of which will give them the ability to express love and gain from it the nectar of pure pleasure.

**Angel:** And what about snails?

**God:** Snails can go fuck themselves.

Five academics are locked in a room.

A chemist, biologist, engineer, pure mathematician, and business PhD are locked in a room, and each given a locked box with a key to the outside world in it, and told to figure out how to open it.

The chemist pours a powerful acid on it, dissolving it open. The engineer calculates the exact a...

Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited: “Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”

“No way!”
“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”

Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house...

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Life in Russia.

A girl from a kolkhoz became a prostitute. Even worse, she became a "Dolarnaya prostitutka" (one sleeping with Western tourists for dollars). After few years she came back for a visit. Head of the kolkhoz gave her an emotional speech in front of all kamerades: "Look at you! We all work hard 12 hours...

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An airplane crashed into a jungle

An airplane crashed into a jungle and only two friends sorvived, as they ware walking in the forest, they find the camp of the jungle tribe, their leader sees them and shouts loudly: "FUCK THEM! " and the whole tribe started runing towards them, and they started runing away from them, after a while ...

Solar radiation has turned the American flags on the moon pure white...

...so now it looks like France landed there.

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The interviewer asked Kevin if he had any special skills not mentioned on his resume...

Kevin thought for a second and replied, "Well I do know an usual number of people in the world. Even celebrities." The interviewer played along and asked, "Alright. How about Tom Cruise?". Kevin chuckles and says, "Yep! Tom and I go way back actually". Figuring Kevin was just trying to look impressi...

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A farmer once showed me pure ox feces. I was always very skeptical of whether it was real...

...or just bullshit.

A surgeon, a farmer, an engineer, and a lawyer are arguing over whose career is the best.

"I think surgery is the best career because it's the oldest!" said the surgeon.

"What makes you say that?" asked the farmer.

"Well," said the surgeon, "God removed a rib from Adam and turned it into Eve."

"You are forgetting one thing," said the farmer. "Before God even created ...

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A classic South African van der Merwe joke

Jan van de Merwe is a South African farmer and he really wants a shiny new tractor but he can't afford it! So he makes a plan: he is going to win the lottery and use the money to buy a new tractor. He is also a religious man, so every night before going to sleep he kneels by his bed and prays:
...

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Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper

One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda

"What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?"

"You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pog...

Wait a minute

Serious answer, here's the longest joke I know by heart.

Three men die and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at his notebook, then back to them and says "we have something interesting here. All three of you died at roughly the same time and in roughly the ...

I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

Receiving a kiss while sleeping is the most pure form of love there is...

Unless you're in prison

The receptionist got a bit shocked when a nun comes running out at full speed, with an expression that could only be described as pure horror.

Receptionist: What in gods name happened to her? The receptionist asked the doctor.

Doctor: Well, I told her she was pregnant.

Receptionist: Pregnant? A nun? Was she really?

Doctor: Of course not, but atleast I managed to cure her hiccups...

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The toughest biker in town and his best friend ride home to find his wife and another man having sex in the middle of the floor...

The biker pauses, a look of pure fury on his face. He steps right over his wife and the man fucking her, and goes straight to the kitchen.

His friend follows, expecting the big biker to come out with a knife. Instead the biker grabs a beer and chugs it. With a scowl he turns to his friend and...

What does pure gold taste like?

Crunchy. Because it is comprised of 24 carrots.

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Two Scotsmen go to Hell

[I know this joke has been shared a few times before but I thought I would share my Scottish cultural adaptation of it]

A demon approaches the devil and says "Dark lord! Two men from Glasgow in Scotland have been sent here. What should be done with them?"

The devil says "Glaswegians? T...

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

My dog came bounding into the house this morning with the neighbour's rabbit hanging lifeless from it's jaws.

Panic set in and so I scrubbed it clean and got all the blood marks off until it was pure white again. I then sneaked into their garden and popped it back in its hutch.

That evening my neighbour knocked at my door and said "I can't believe it, flopsy is lying dead in its hutch and the kids ar...

How does a priest find out if the new altar boy has a pure laugh?

Using test tickles.

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A young couple that tragically died in a car crash before they could get married meets up in heaven.

As they are walking one day silently discussing something, God happens to be walking by and overhears their whispers.

God: My children, why do I hear two young people in love quarreling, what could be the problem?

Guy: Well we were actually just on our way to you and we were arguing ab...

A young man buys a brand-new bike

He is over the moon with his purchase. The salesman hands him a tiny jar of Vaseline before driving off, remarking: 'Be wary that your seat is made of 100% pure bison leather. Make sure to put vaseline on the seat, should it rain, otherwise the leather might crack.' The man thanks the salesman and r...

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what had captured her attention. He noti...

My family is pure treasure...

... You will need a map and a shovel to find them.

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods.

Centuries upon centuries ago, a group of nuns lived in a secluded convent deep in the woods. The convent provided all of their basic needs: cows for milk, sheep for cheese, grain for bread, and even bees for honey. However, one day a deadly plague swept through the land, infecting all of the siste...

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I sat on my hand for a while, then masturbated with it. It was pure gold.

Thank you, kind stranger.

Juan comes to US/Mexico border on a cycle...

...with 2 large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, "What's in those bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll see about that. Get off the bike."

The guard takes the bag and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but ...

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Everyone knows Dave!

Dave was bragging to his mate Jim one day, "Y'know, I know absolutely everyone Jim! Just name someone, anyone, and I can introduce you."

Tired of his constant boasting, Jim tried to call him out, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No worries mate, Tom and I are old friends and I can pr...

Two homeless are on the street in front of the Vatican...

One has a big cross and the other a star of David. The pope sees them and stops his whole entourage to go speak to them. He says to the beggar under the star of David, "my son this is a Catholic country. You're never going to get any charity with this Jewish emblem above you, especially as the fell...

I was admiring my naked body in the mirror today, when I said to my wife, "Look at this! 200 pounds of pure dynamite!"

My wife replied, "Too bad about the two inch fuse!"

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The story of Dave (Not my joke)

Once upon a time there was a man named Dave. Now Dave worked in a small business office where just about all his co workers knew each other well. One day, Dave’s boss wants to get to know him better so he invites Dave to go out to lunch. While they were eating lunch and talking about various things,...

I watched a dog show today and was not impressed. My Mutt would run circles around these Pure Breds!

And probably get disqualified for doing so.

In a small Jewish village, a man walks into the butcher shop.

He doesn’t look at the meat, and instead just mopes around, sighing. Eventually, the butcher is forced to ask, “Binyamin, what’s wrong?”

“Oy, gevalt, you’d never believe it, but my son went to Jerusalem, and he came back a Christian!”

“You’re kidding?”

“No, I promise!”

Th...

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A Glaswegian joke that can be applied anywhere.

Three pieces of tarmac (asphalt for Americans) are in the pub at the end of the day.
One says, "I'm on the Great Western Road. You wouldn't believe what I have to go through every day! Cars, endless traffic, congestion, it'll make you pure mental!"
The next one says, "You think you're in a bad...

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Three drunk hobos were having an argument over who has the dirtiest underwear

"I have the dirtiest boxers in the entire city," says the first hobo.

As proof, he takes off his filthy brown stained boxers and throws it at a nearby wall.

The boxers stuck to the wall for 10 seconds, before peeling off and landing on the ground with a sickening plop.

Unimpress...

A chemist wants to open up a coffee shop

When the FDA comes to check his facility, they ask about his coffee recipe. He says, "I'm not like these other coffee shops. My coffee is made using pure science!

One part carbon monoxide and 2 parts iron."

Told this joke every summer as a camp counselor; never failed

This cheerio works 9-5 at a factory doing the same mundane task every day of every year. One day, this smoking hot frosted cheerio walks in and the normal cheerio falls for her instantly. He walks up to her and says:

“Hey, want to grab something to eat later?” And she says:

“Actually,...

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I just read a King Midas and King Oedipus crossover

It's pure motherfucking gold.

Did you hear about the guy who drowned his boss in soda?

It was done out of pure Sprite.

My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

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A man marries a totally innocent woman, a real pure virgin.

On their wedding night he starts fucking her slowly. She is bewildered but happily surprised and asks her new husband: what's this? The husband says: this is called 'fucking'. The wife says: wow, fucking is nice. The husband replies: of course, fucking is very nice. It's awesome. A few months later ...

I was at an airport recently and there was a aircraft that was pure white.

Looked pretty plane to me.

Marcel Marceau and Charlie Chaplin were booked to perform at a benefit.

Naturally since they were both silent performers, their acts relied purely on physical humor. The night of the performance they were backstage comparing notes and discovered they had planned to do almost the same bits: man stuck in box; man pulling rope; man walking against the wind; etc.

I ...

A man was filling his car up while drinking beer and later crashed

A forensic scientist, cop, and mechanic head to the wreck to determine the cause.

*"He was poisoned!"* said the scientist.

*"No! This was simply a case of drunk driving."* replied the cop.

*"You're both wrong! He crashed because he filled the gas tank with booze."* exclaimed the...

Man looked his naked body in the mirror says to wife-look 75 kg of pure dynamite

Wife says: but shame on the 5 cm fuse

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A man escapes from a prison after 10 long years. He breaks into a house looking for anything that might help him stay on the run.

Inside, he finds an attractive couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the woman to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and the makes passionate love to her for hours. She's moaning in pure bliss despite the terrible circumstances...

A lonely man lives a lonely life

^title

He lives alone, works alone, and plays his video games alone.

Now, he has tried to make friends but whatever he does...

-he always finds a person with a corrupt heart who uses him

-a person who is outright selfish and mean knowing he has no other friends

-or...

I don't understand why a sandwich is more expensive the more ingredients there are.

Shouldn't pure bread be more expensive?

The speaker at the podium was talking about preserving pure blood lines and AK-"something or other."

Not sure if it was a dog show or a KKK recruiting rally.

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A man finds himself in pure darkness...

Attempting to search for a light source, he waves his arms around.

Feeling a button, he clicks it and a television screen activates. A creature in a strange mask appears.

The strange being then opens it mouth, saying,"I want to play a game."

The man, in horror, can merely stare ...

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Italian, Frenchman and a Redneck...

An Italian, Frenchman and redneck were comparing lovemaking skills. The Italian says, ‘When I’ve a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy.

The Frenchman replies. "zat is noting, when Ah’ve fini...

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Three pure men go to see a priest

These three men have never committed a sin in their lives. They ask the priest if they can drink from the holy water. The priest says, "no, you must commit a sin first so that you can be forgiven." So the three men leave to go commit their sins.

The first man comes back to the priest and says...

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The Birth of Baby Ruth

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?"

Well, she immediate...

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King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.




"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"




The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

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Birth of a Candy Bar! rated XXX and NSFW

One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT o' HONEY, so he took MARY JANE back behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her MOUNDS. That was pure ALMOND JOY!! It made his TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out some SNICKERS as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICY FRUIT and caused a MILK...

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My wife read a fantastic story of some guy’s adventurous life as a single man...

She sat across from me reading this enchanting story, and every word I was pulled in by the pure bravery this man encompassed! There were moments of cheering and tears flowing freely. “This man knew how to live!” I yelled! My Lawyer said to “shut the fuck up!” “Do you want to lose half your shit!...

There's a group of people who say they for years they've adored these three sunflowers growing together...

...and then three sunflowers which looked the same and just as beautiful were planted next to them but did not grow very tall. Purely because of this, the people insisted and raged that the new sunflowers were an abomination that totally destroyed the beauty and awe of the three tall sunflowers perm...

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

If humans were categorized like dogs, people from Alabama would be...

The pure breds

There once was a rich man who was near death.

He was very much aggrieved because he had worked very hard for his money, and he wanted to be able to take it with him to Heaven.

So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth.

An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth ...

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A man in the USSR goes shopping

He wants to celebrate with his wife the beginning of the nineties and want to organize a big meal.

He asks the butcher for some beef to which he replies.

"Sorry comrade, we do not have any beef"

The man then decides to go to another butcher down the street but he also tells him ...

An American man, a Russian man and a Chinese man are in a car...

They reach an unmarked intersection and stop to decide where they should continue.

The American man scoffs: "I'm for pure capitalism, and that's right-wing. We'll turn right!"

The Russian frowns: "Communism is the natural order, and that's left-wing. We shall turn left!"

The Chi...

I saw a man dragging a loaf of bread along the floor so I asked him: 'What breed is it?'

He replied: 'It's pure bread.'

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A Wall Street stockbroker decides to go off the grid completely

He’s had enough of that dog eat dog lifestyle and the stress and rat race of NYC.

So he buys a cabin in a remote part of the Adirondacks. Closest neighbor is miles away on a neighboring mountain. Pure solitude, nature, zero cell phone service, no electricity.

Months go by and he has ze...

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Purely a Fable

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch...



But that was a long time ago and it was just that one day.

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