Back when I was in the army, I killed a whole squadron of soldiers with my bare hands.

I probably should have worn gloves while cooking.

I just saw a man repair his monocle with his bare hands.

It was a spectacle to behold.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Scottish man walks into a bar, looking depressed.

He sits down at the bar and orders a shot. The bartender hands it to him, and he downs it in one go, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and scowling. The bartender, knowing from years of experience that this man must obviously have something he needs to get off his chest, begins buffing a gl...

My girlfriend said I'm nothing but a bare-faced liar

So I've grown a beard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple comes home to find their kitchen completely bare.

All their fixtures and appliances are missing. Suddenly they hear a knock at the door.

They open the door to find their oven waiting on the porch. It begins to speak, "I have come to life and have cooked you both your favourite meals!"

They let their now-living oven back into the hous...

Mahatma Ghandi walked thousands of miles with bare feet...

This caused him to develop an impressive set of callouses.

He also are very little, which made him rather frail, and due to this strange diet, suffered from bad breath.

All told, he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father is sitting with his son on a hilltop looking over the village...

The father says: "Son there's something I want you to understand... you see that house we live in?"

The son responded: "yes, dad"

Dad: "I built that house with my bare hands. Do they call me Bob the house builder?" Son says no.

Father says "look at that wall around the village...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Sun God Helios, feeling lazy, stuck his bare glowing buttocks over the horizon...

... it was the crack of dawn.

A hospital director catches up with a patient running bare foot from the building

Why did escape from the operating room? said the director

Because the nurse was saying: " it's ok be brave, it's just appendicitis it's a simple operation..."

So what? she was just trying to reassure you...

She was talking to the surgeon!

A man touched a bare wire to see what would happen. What happened next shocked him.

He remained unharmed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You know you're ISIS if...

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You destroy world heritage but believe we should plant trees.

You have more wives than teeth.

You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

You think vests come in two sty...

Tank tops shouldn't be against school dress codes

After all, we have a right to bare arms.

Many Saudi women are fans of the Second Amendment.

They would like a right to bare arms.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grandfather, a ww2 vet, would always tell us the story about how he killed 50 Japanese with his bare hands.

2017 was a successful year for the racist bastard.

A vegan told me I shouldn’t eat animals because I can’t kill or butcher them with my bare hands...

So I gave him a coconut and told him to have a nice day.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What Do you Call Neil Degrasse Tyson when he pours champagne on his bare chest?

**An astro-fizzy-tits**

Benny the Bare Faced Viking

Benny was your typical Viking..
Strong, tall, courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one..
See Benny couldn't grow a beard, for all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.
This bothered Benny, because when he was out pillag...

What do you call a monk who walks everywhere in bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A tourist backpacking through rural Ireland enters a bar, and inside there's only a bar tender and an old man nursing a beer. They sit in silence until the old man looks over to the tourist and says, "You see this bar? I built this bar with my bare hands."

The old man continues, "I found the finest wood in the county, gave it more love than my own child, but do they call me O'Connor the bar-builder? No!"


He points out the window, "You see that stone wall out there? I built that stone wall with my bare hands; found every stone, placed them j...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saved 100 orphans from a burning building. Do they call me "The Orphan Saver?" No. I butchered 20 men with my bare hands in WWI, but so they call me "The Butcher?" No.

But you fuck one goat....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Sun God Heloios was hungover today. Unable to lift his radiant body out of bed he just stuck his blazing bare bum over the horizon...

... it was the crack of dawn.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.

“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”

“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.

He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The teacher gave

her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher re...

What's the bare minimum?

1 Bear

Where do you get bare minerals from?

A strip mine

A tourist walks into a bar.

He asks for an Irishman named Seamus. The bartender points to an old man in the back, staring out the window and nursing a pint.

The tourist takes a seat next to Seamus. "Is it true, what they say about you?" He offers the old man a fresh pint.

Seamus smiles at the man, then curls back...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes into his favorite bar and sees a jar of money on the counter with the word "win" printed on it.

"What's this about?" he asks the bartender.

​

"That's our monthly contest. You put in a $20 entry fee and then perform the three acts. If you complete all three successfully you win the pot."

​

"Cool," he says. "What are the three acts?"

&...

What do nudists pack for vacation?

Just the bare necessities.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You ask me, have I met Pancho Villa?

Well let me tell you.

I was riding my horse through the desert when I saw him: Pancho Villa. From a mile away I knew him. He wore a pair of leather chaparejos on his legs. On his head he wore a sombrero big enough to stretch from Oaxaca to Aguascalientes and back. But what caught my eye most ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three cowboys were sitting round the campfire

The first cowboy says “ I’m the hardest cowboy in the world, I was riding my horse one day when a bull came charging at me, so I jumped off my horse and wrestled him to the ground with my bare hands!”
The second cowboy says “ nah, I’m the hardest cowboy in the world, one day I was riding my horse...

The Poor Snake Named Nate

So... Nate the Snake was the king of the jungle, by virtue of his
immense size. Nate was the size of a freight train, and had a similar outlook on life. He ruled largely through terror and intimidation.


One day Nate the Snake was rumbling through the jungle, as was his own. Whenev...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man

Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered m...

A greedy old miser dies alone. In his will he's divided his fortune between his pastor, his doctor, and his lawyer with one last request...

The old man's will states that he wishes to take his fortune with him. His final request is that these three, the last man on earth he feels he can trust, each bring their allotment of his fortune to his funeral, ten million each, and deposit the money in his coffin and bare witness as it's sealed a...

Marsians took an American, a German and a Russian prisoners. They locked each of them in a separate room and gave each one a 10 litre bottle of vodka, stating that that whoever manages to drink all of his will be set free, otherwise they will be executed.

The next morning the Marsians discover the American, dead on the floor, having drunk only 1 litre.

In the next room, the see the German, passed out, having drunk only three litres. They take him to the pit of death where he is executed.

The Russian however, was banging on the door all ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So this guy walks into a bar...

...and walks up to the bartender. As he is ordering his drink, he sees a jar full of money in the counter.

​

He then asks the bartender what tha jar is all about, to which he replies with, "Oh, the jar is part of a challenge I decided to set up for the patrons of the bar. Wi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story that has a moral.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out ...

After the Russian election Putin meets with his staff

Staff: “Sir Comrade Vlad, we have got good news and bad news for you.”

Putin: “I’m not scared of bad news, I’ve wrestled bears, tigers and a small rhino with my bare Russian hands. Hit me!”

Staff: “Your opponent got 51% of the votes.”

Putin: “That is terrible news! What on earth...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Bar Jar Challenge

*Seeing as I just typed this whole bastard from memory for an /r/AskReddit thread, I thought y'all might enjoy it too:*

A guy walks into a bar and notices a large jar full of $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
Bartender says, "People can pay the...

An Evil Witch kidnaps some boys...

During a nightly raid of a local village, an evil witch makes away with a few young boys she will use for her potions (hocus pocus style)

Upon arriving back at her witch den, she proceeds to cage up the terrified young boys, and begins brewing her evil potion according to her recipe.

F...

Their ones was a very old monk...

who took a while to get anywhere he was going because he was afraid that he would fall and break something. Everywhere he went he would walk in his bare feet because he had forsworn shoes as part of his vows. His breath was so bad that people claimed that they could smell it from the other room. ...

A pessimist and an optimist

There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist.

First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

2 Irish strangers sitting at the bar....

After a beer one Irish man points out the window to the other and says, "you see that bridge laddy? I BUILT that BRIDGE with me bare hands! But do they call me McGregor the BRIDGE BUILDER? No..

​

After 2 beers the Irish man points out the window again and says, "you see that...

I was on a guided tour of an Indian Reservation when this streaker ran past our group wearing nothing but a headdress.

I asked the tour guide. "Who's that idiot?"

He replied.."That's Running Bare"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Archie the Strangler

A British gangster sat in the corner of a pub with his best mate. Tired and frustrated, he sighed and turned to his friend "I can't stand it anymore, every day and every night she whines and complains at me. On and on and on... I'm so sick of it, I'd gladly have her killed if I could!"

His fr...

A Prostitute Walks Into a Bar

A prostitute walks into a bar. She spots a koala bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the koala bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the koala gets up and wanders towards the door.

"HEY! Where are you going?" yells the ...

Two Army Rangers are on vacation in New Orleans....

when they both get the idea to catch an alligator, skin it and get shoes made out of its carcass.

They go to an outfitter to get a boat and all the gear they’ll need, and during the conversation they mention they are army. The outfitter tells them that two Marines with the exact same idea pas...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An unfortunate Scot

You walk into a bar and sit down next to an older, Scottish man. You order a beer, and before long he turns to you and starts chatting.

[Pointing out the window] Ye see that house over there? Built it with me bare hands, took me five years, but they don’t call me MacGregor the House Builder...

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman

Paddy Englishman Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman were walking in a park together one day when all of a sudden the devil himself appeared before them.
I am going to kill each of you one by one unless you can bring something to me that I cannot melt with my bare hands. You have one hour he shoute...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW Wiping your butt with a dollar

Two hunters are perched up in their stand deep in the woods. After several hours with no luck spotting any deer, one of them has to relieve himself.

In that moment, he realized that he forgot to bring toilet paper. He was quite far out from his truck, and it being the winter months, the trees...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A joke my grandma told me before she passed.

So a classroom teacher was giving candy to all the students. While doing this she was having them all guess what flavor the candy was.

After giving the first piece to the whole class she asks the class what flavor it was. They all said grape

The next flavor was guessed to be orange and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a Army Ranger, Recon Marine, Seal, and a Delta Operator are sitting around a campfire.

So the Ranger being a Ranger starts bragging about how tough he is... “you think you guys are tough?” he says

“I’ve parachuted behind enemy lines, did a 50 mile night march and killed a dozen terrorist with my bare hands.”

The Recon Marine is like “man that ain’t shit”

“I’ve lan...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Johan, the ...

I was passing through a local village and decided to take a break from my travels and rest at the inn. Fortunately, the inn was attached to the local pub in which all the locals gathered for evening drinks. After dropping my bags off, I was excited to spend time and get to the know the town folk. As...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man visits an old tavern

and sees an artist carving a beautiful pair of breasts into the veneer on the back wall. The entire upper section of the tavern has fantastic pairs of tits carved all over, and it is quite a sight to behold.

The man asks the artist, "is this all your work?"

The artist responds, "it is....

One afternoon a teacher gives her class a homework assignment to go home and have their parents tell them a story with a moral.

The next morning the teacher stands in front of the class and asks, “would anyone like to share the story from their homework?”

25 little hands shoot in the air and the teacher calls on a young boy.

“Well,” starts the boy, “my family raises chickens, and one time our chicken laid 9 eg...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Every year John entered the state lottery hoping to win....

..but he never did. Finally he prayed vigorously and hoping for God's message, he walked around the town fair.

A flash of lightning struck as he was passing Suzie's stall. She was bending & he saw she was bare bottomed and had 7 written on each of her butt cheeks .

He bet on 77 as...

Contender for the worst pun ever (OC)

Meet Desmond. Desmond and his Father are pretty normal people, but they both have Podophobia, the irrational fear of feet.

One day, they both travel to do a tour of Southeast Asia and visit a family friend. As they’re walking about a city, Desmond see‘s a homeless person begging in shabby cl...

A man calls his home and his newly appointed butler picks up the phone...

Still a little nervous about his newly assigned duties, the butler answered nervously “Hello, who’s this?”

The man was a little frustrated with the butler’s lack of experience and so he replied impatiently “It’s your boss you idiot!”

Feeling guilty about not recognizing his own boss’s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was once a competition involving three gruelling tasks.

The participants had to do the following in immediate succession:

1)Drink five bottles of hard whiskey in one go.

2)Enter a room where there was a starving lion and pluck out its eyes with bare hands.

3)And then screw a very horny babe to her full satisfaction.

Many peop...

What do you call a bear without fur?

Bare.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

No sex since 1955

A crusty old Army Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something ...

2 jokes for 1 post

Please bare with me, the second one makes more sense with the context that the first joke exists.

Two Cannibals are eating a Clown.
One looks over at the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two Clowns are eating a Cannibal.
One looks over at the other and says "I thin...

Spring

Winter can be pretty dreary with all the bare trees,
so when spring comes it's such a re-leaf.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three Friends Goes On A Hunting Trip.

3 friends are on a hunting trip in the woods. After a successful day, they brought a buck back to their camp to field dress. They then proceed to get drunk and are having a all around good time. One of the hunters announces that he has to take a shit, so he shuffles off into the woods for privacy. S...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The world's toughest cowboy.

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.

A night of tall tales commences.

The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and g...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was in the motherland, when I walk into a pub with only one man in it. I pull up a chair as he slides me a beer and I ask him why he's all alone. He answers,

"You see that barn out the window? I built that barn all by myself with my bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Barn Builder? NO!" He points out the other window."Y'see that bridge out there? I built that all by myself, stone by stone with me bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Br...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is on his first brutal day as a crewman of a pirate ship. He is swabbing the decks, heaving ropes, and emptying pisspots. All the horrible jobs delegated the new sailor.

Then out onto the deck steps the meanest, crustiest, saltiest pirate captain you can imagine. He's got a peg leg, an eyepatch, a hook for a hand, a parrot on his shoulder, a long beard, a gold ear ring, and a saber at his side.

The new sailor is awestruck. He nudges a fellow sailor and and as...

If you put shoes on a bear...

...does he still have bare feet?

Old Mother Hubbard...

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor daughter a dress.
When she got there, the cupboard was bare
And so was her daughter, I guess...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

These puns are Capital!

So I had a productive day at work coming up with these Capital City puns a year ago today. Thought they were too good not to share!

Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?

To book a rest!

Bob Mortimer was speaking to his comedy partner's wife saying he wanted to take h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three cowboys

Three cowboys sit around a campfire.
One starts to brag about himself.
"I'm so tough, one time one of my bulls got crazy but I quickly realized that I was out of ammo so I fought him with my bare hands!"

The cowboy next to him laughs.
"That's nothing! This one time I fought a pack...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Chris Pratt's German Joke (in English)

Dieter and his grandpa Peter are sitting on top of a hill. Peter turns to Dieter and says, "You see all those houses down there? I built them with my bare hands, but do they call me Peter the House Builder? No."

Then Peter points to a church by the houses. "I built that church with my bare h...

I always wear a sleeveless shirt to the gym...

But the only thing I exercise is my right to bare arms.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The lions decide to claim the land that is rightfully their own

"We have ruled over these creatures for long enough, we deserve to take ownership of their homes." The lions pondered, so decide to take action.

Firstly they met with the timid rabbits, and ask "Hello Mr and Mrs Rabbit, can we have your property?" And the rabbits curl in fear and exclaim "Of ...

I had an idea for a joke concerning an archeologist and a nudist,

But, no matter how deep I dig, the punchline seems bare

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Buddy is down to the final interview of finally realizing his lifelong dream of becoming an FBI Agent...

It’s down to him and 2 other candidates. The three candidates sit in a room together waiting to be called in for the final interview. The first candidate goes in only to reappear minutes later upset and storms out muttering something about “taking things too far”. The second candidate goes in, again...

They find two 5-year olds, an optimist and a pessimist, and decide to do an experiment

They put the pessimist in a room full of the latest toys and gadgets, and tell him he can do whatever he wants. Then they close the door. They put the optimist in a room full of horse manure and tell him he has to stay there. Then they close the door.

After an hour they open the door on the p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar.

The sign read “Free beer if you can pass our test!”

Curious, the man asks the bartender how he can win free beer. The bartender replies “First, you gotta down this entire bottle of pepper tequila, and you can’t make a face while doing it. Next, there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Bravest and Fiercest

The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land.

The king devised a test. his engineers ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three cowboys sat around a fire...

Three cowboys sat around a fire comparing who was tougher. The first one said, I once had to kill a bear with my bare hands. The second cowboy said, I once had to punch a stampeding bull and knock him out cold. The third cowboy sat in silence, staring at the fire, slowly stirring the embers with his...

Damned TSA

If airport security asks you if you have any weapons don't say, "No, I prefer to kill with my bare hands." They don't think it's funny, apparently.

I killed the glove industry

With my bare hands

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his wife have a very peculiar relationship.

On the outside, Paul and Linda seem like an average American couple. However, behind closed doors, Paul is a hardcore submissive masochist, and his wife is a prude who detests any kind of sexual activity. The only way that Paul can get his wife to comply with his desires is to cook bacon. For some o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young punk gets on the cross town bus...

A young punk gets on the cross town bus and sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man.

The young punk has spiked, multi-colored, green, purple, and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was having some stomach pains, so he went to see his doctor..

The doctor looked him over and declared, *"Sir, you have a tapeworm. Please come back in three days, and bring...a BANANA."*



The man is confused, but he trusts the doctor so he returns in three days with
a banana. The doctor tells the man to take off his pants and bend over,
whe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An oldie, but a goodie. [NSFW] [Long]

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar filled with $100 bills lying on the counter. From the looks of it, there's at least ten grand in the jar. He asks the bartender about it. "It's part of a bet we've got going on," the bartender tells him. "You place $100 in the jar, and then you have to complete ...

A man walks into an art museum...

...saunters past a guard and rips a painting off the wall with his bare hands. The guards attempt to stop him as he runs out of the museum, but he is too quick and acrobatic and evades all of their efforts. Just out the museum doors, he hops into the back of a white van that begins speeding away wit...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sly fox jumps over a impulsive lioness

Once there lived a sly fox in a vast jungle. He knew every nook and corner of the jungle. One day he went to the lion's den and started calling out the lion for a fight.

The fox said,"Come out, you coward lion. I'm gonna carve out your inside with my bare hands". But the lion didn't move an i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Man Walks into a Bar

Long and (hopefully) not a repost.


A man walks into a bar where he see's a drunk Irishman sitting alone on a stool. He pulls up a seat beside him and asks "hows life bud?"

"Not so great these days", the Irishman says.

"Why's that?", the man asks.

"Well ye see that fi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doing laundry!

A couple had a young kid and whenever they wanted to have sex, they used a code which was “I want to do the laundry”.
One day, the father tells his son:

“Go tell your mother that dad wants to do the laundry”

The son goes and tells his mother and she replied:

“Tell your dad ...

A Pope and a lawyer meet by the Pearly Gates.

A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven.
They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms.
The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light.
They came to the Lawyer's room.
It was huge...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three women go on a night out...

Three women go on a night out and leave their husbands looking after the kids.

They get incredibly drunk, but decide to call it a night and head home when they can barely stand. One of the women on the walk home says "I really need to go for a piss, come into this graveyard here"....so they ...

I can't believe girls at school can't wear tank tops, it's totally violates the second amendment.

Don't they have a right to bare arms?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A real Eskimo

One night, two Eskimos are sitting in a bar in northern Alaska, when they are accosted by a young man from the Mainland. The fellow has obviously been drinking. He slurs, "Hey, ya know, I've always admired you Eskimos. I REEAAALLLY like Eskimos. I've ALWAYS WANTED to be an Eskimo. Tell me how ta BE ...