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Bare Jokes

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I bought a Russian porno magazine the other day called Barely Legal.

Opened it up and there was a picture of two men holding hands.

For sale, barely used DeLorean

Only driven from time to time.
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What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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"Barely legal".

Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.
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Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them

Jim and John wanted a drink real bad, but they barely had a euro between them. Jim had an idea. He bought a large sausage.

They went into a pub and ordered 4 drinks each.
Jim said, "*Don't worry, I have a plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper & you go on your knees and put it ...
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A barely NSFW joke for ya!

Whats the most sensitive body part when your masturbating?

Your ears.

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An american dude, A French dude, and a Japanese dude barely survive a shipwreck...

While clinging to floating debris and paddling towards shore they discuss what they will do to survive.
The American dude says: Well, I am a carpenter by trade, so I'll build us a shelter.
The French dude says: Ho-hoh! Yers trulee eez the greatest chef ever! I shall make grand meals to feed us...

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So when Aphrodite sprawls out bare-ass naked in a giant clam shell, she's a "goddess."

But when I do it, supposedly I'm "a drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium."

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughin...
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In America we can bare arms

But in Canada they can arm bears.
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You Americans may have the right to bare arms,

but here in Canada, we can own moose legs.
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Three cowboys are settling down after a long day herding cattle.

The first cowboy says, "You know, it takes a real man's man to do this job. I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why? just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands."

The second cowboy not t...

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What Do you Call Neil Degrasse Tyson when he pours champagne on his bare chest?

**An astro-fizzy-tits**

My cupboards are bare! Nothing but a jar of Marlee Matlin's preserves.

That's a def jam.

Technically it's marmalade.
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Benny the Bare Faced Viking

Benny was your typical Viking..
Strong, tall, courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one..
See Benny couldn't grow a beard, for all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.
This bothered Benny, because when he was out pillag...
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All my gilled salamander pet does is just sit there. It barely moves or anything.

I named it Relaxalotl.
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It's a long one so please bare with me...

Homecoming is coming up soon, and a boy has been meaning to ask his crush to go with him, but has been pushing it back because of fear. He wants to go with her so finally, at the end of the day he builds up the courage to ask her. He approaches her standing in front of her locker and asks her the q...
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Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked bare foot most of his life...

...which produced an impressive set calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him:


A super calloused fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.
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What's the bare minimum?

1 Bear
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Lockdown was great! I didn't work, i didn't socialise, i barely left the house.

Same as usual, except i didn't feel guilty.
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Whats it called when you barely pronounce a T?

Subtlety.
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One Ukrainian Jew to another: "Would you share this imported bottle of Scotch with me?"

The other: "Of course I would. But we barely have money for food. Where did you get Scotch?"

First: "I traded some Russian caviar for it."

Second: "But how did you get Russian caviar?"

First: "I traded some calamari to them for it."

Second: "But we're hundreds of kilomete...

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A young man who barely looks of age walks into a bar...

...and orders a shot of whiskey. After checking his ID, the bartender pours him one. The young man grabs the shot glass and throws it back, slams it down on the counter and orders another.

The bartender pours it and again the young man slams it back and demands one more.
The bartender rel...

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, ...
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Barely anyone knows about Napoleon's younger brother

They were Bonaparte
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An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
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Peter and his grandson are sitting on the mountainside that overlooks the town…

Peter says to his grandson, “look at those houses down there. I built all of those with my bare hands, but do you think they call me Peter the House Builder? No.”

He then gestures toward the town church and says, “do you see that church down there? I built that church with my bare hands, but ...

A third grade teacher had her students ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral for their homework one day.

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. But then the teacher realized that only Katie was left.

"Katie, do you have a story to share?"
''Yes ma'am... My daddy told me a story about my mom."
"OK, let's hear it," said the teacher.

"My mom was a...
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My girlfriend said I'm nothing but a bare-faced liar

So I've grown a beard.
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My Gran barely recognises me after I’ve been staying in Chernobyl for a few months.

It’s not surprising. I’ve grown another foot!
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Her: That sucked, you barely lasted 2 minutes...

Him: Babe, it was doggy style, so that's like 14 minutes!
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I said, "You're welcome", as I put a plate in the dishwasher. My wife said, "Wow, thanks for doing the bare minimum."

I responded, "Hey, it's the least I could do."
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I accidentally dropped a full two liter bottle of ginger ale onto my bare foot.

Fortunately it was a soft drink.
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A man and his wife barely made it in time to the airport

Husband: "We should have taken the fridge with us"




Wife: "In the name of God, why?"




Husband: "Our tickets are on it"
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Please send help. I barely hacked onto the internet from China. My country is censoring and controlling us.

Edit: Just kidding. China is a wonderful place. They treat us well and care very much about our human rights. Thank you.
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She sexily unbuttons her shirt, removes her bra, pushes him down and placed his hand on her bare chest.

"$100. Just $100 and I'll do anything you want."
His eyes glow bright: "Anything?"
"Anything." She whispers into his ears.
Excited, he springs up, pulls out his wallet, gives her 5 brand new $20 bills and says: "Here is $100! Now give me $500!"

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

An overachiever, regular person, and a person who does the bare minimum walk into a bar.

Or rather, the overachiever walks under the bar, the regular guy walks into the bar, and the slacker trips on the bar.
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What do a thong and Donald Trump's toupee have in common?

They both barely cover an asshole.

I had barely taken off my finger out of her wet hole, that......

..... within seconds she started going down on me. I thought to myself, "Man! I am really gonna miss this boat"
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I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'
And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: '...
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I brought my girlfriend to watch one of my soccer matches. When an opponent was about to score a goal, she stormed the field and prevented it with her bare hands.

She's a keeper.
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NSFW My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom

My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the D...

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The Sun God Helios, feeling lazy, stuck his bare glowing buttocks over the horizon...

... it was the crack of dawn.

A man touched a bare wire to see what would happen. What happened next shocked him.

He remained unharmed.
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A hospital director catches up with a patient running bare foot from the building

Why did escape from the operating room? said the director

Because the nurse was saying: " it's ok be brave, it's just appendicitis it's a simple operation..."

So what? she was just trying to reassure you...

She was talking to the surgeon!
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A vegan told me I shouldn’t eat animals because I can’t kill or butcher them with my bare hands...

So I gave him a coconut and told him to have a nice day.
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I tried one of those "Try Not To Laugh" challenges, but barely made it halfway before cracking up.

I guess you could say... I fought the LOL, and the LOL won.
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A couple returns from their honeymoon barely on speaking terms.

The groom’s friend asks what’s wrong and the groom explained, “After sex the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and left a 50 on the pillow without thinking.”

The friend says, “Don’t worry. I’m sure she’ll get over it. She can’t think you’ve been saving yourself all this time.”
...

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Batman and Robin go out for a few drinks

Both superheroes are exhausted after a long week of non-stop crime fighting, and decide to chill for a few a hours at the local watering hole.

Robin knows his friend has been working way too hard and for long hours. So he thinks, what the heck, he can get drunk and relax. He decides to remain...

I'm quite sad... since I turned 70, I barely can have an erection anymore. But I'm also happy :

My wife seems, at last, to got rid of her never-ending headaches.
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The Sun God Heloios was hungover today. Unable to lift his radiant body out of bed he just stuck his blazing bare bum over the horizon...

... it was the crack of dawn.

Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.

**Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.**

Following day the kids came back and one by one go through their stories.

There were all the regular things - never too old to learn, never give up, no crying over spilled mi...
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I just barely crossed the finish line in a Law and Order 5k race.

I would have got first, but the cops beat me to it.
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During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.

“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”

“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.

He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and f...

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What did your husband get YOU?

Three southern belles stood together gossiping. The topic of discussion were gifts from their husbands. Here's how it went.

Pointing at a house on top of a hill, the first southern belle boasts, "Y'all ain't never seen a house like that. My husband built me that there house!" The second south...

There are some Russian soldiers marching

They hear a voice shout from over a hill,

“I bet one Ukrainian can beat ten Russians!”

The Russian sergeant, thinking that it would be easy, sent ten men over the hill to fight. They heard a fighting and noise. No Russian soldiers came back. After a minute they heard the voice again,...
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Back when I was in the army, I killed a whole squadron of soldiers with my bare hands.

I probably should have worn gloves while cooking.
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A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!

After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.

The groom approache...
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My wife has been cheating on me and in hindsight I should have seen it coming

For the past couple months we'd barely talked at all. Our jobs had been super stressful and it made things tense. When she'd ask how my day was, I'd tersely reply "it sucked" or "you don't want to know."

When I asked her how her day had been she'd say "They fucked me at work again"

Guaranteed way to get through the covid19 quarantine and barely notice or remember it.

Tune to any local tv station and take a shot every time a commercial says “uncertain times”.
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A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.

She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off.

"Do you even own a bike?" he asks.

"I do. It's parked right outside."

"Do you swear?"

"More ...

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“My husband just wants to have sex all the time”

Vented the recently married woman to her sister, “it’s every day like clockwork he gets home from work, takes off his clothes at the doorstep and says “I’m home honey let’s hit the sack”. Don’t get my wrong I love him and the sex is good but I need a break I can barely walk””

Then the sister ...

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A tourist is backpacking through the Highlands of Scotland...

A tourist is backpacking through the Highlands of Scotland and he stops on a pub to get a drink. And the only people in there is a bartender and an old men nursing a beer. And he orders a pint, and they sit in silence for a while. And suddenly the old man turns to him and goes: "You see this bar? I ...

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...
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Military Joke

An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire. The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says "You guys aren't so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight." The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says,...

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Two cowboys walk into a bar and sit down for a drink.

A woman sitting next to them drinking her martin starts choking on her olive.

One cowboy says to the other cowboy, "I'm going to help that there woman." He looks at her and says, "Are you choking?" And she nods yes. "Do you want me to help you?" Again she nods yes.

With that, the cowbo...

I barely slept last night; I kept dreaming about mufflers.

I'm exhausted.
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Back in college, I could barely pay my bills, even having to choose between laundry detergent and a small breakfast snack.

Sometimes it was All or muffin.
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A burly sailor gets brought into an infirmary staffed by a bunch of postulate nuns, girls barely 18 preparing to become full nuns, and of course, supervised by a few gruff looking nuns.

Being good Catholics in a small Newfoundland seaside town, such oddities rarely found their way to their front door. The elder nuns insisted that only they would attend to him. The next evening there was a crash and a scream!! The sister ran out the door as fast as she could.

Sister Marry Cla...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...
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One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...
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A very old man, who barely sticks with a cane, goes into a pharmacy store...

He asks the woman behind the counter:

"Can you give me half viagra?"

She answers very indignantly :

"How you dare, can't you see what you look like!? What Viagra? See your years! Isn't it uncomfortable?"

"It's not for sex, dear! Just give me enough, so I won't piss on my ...

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A man goes to see a sex therapist

"My problem is that my neighbor says he can do it six times a night, but I can do barely three"

"Please open your mouth," the therapist says.

The man, now confused, opens his mouth, and the doctor inspects it carefully.

"I see nothing wrong here, so you should be able to lie jus...

A king sits on his throne. Suddenly, one of his knights enters.

The knight looks so tired he can barely stand. His armour is heavily battered and covered with dust, his sword is notched, his helmet is cracked...

**King**: Dear God, John! What happened to you?

**Knight**: Oh, I've been hard at work lately, Your Majesty. A heavy blow I dealt against ...
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I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...
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What do you call a small, lazy, naked mother?

A bare mini-mum
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As I was going under for my eye surgery, I heard my doctor say, "It's just a simple eye surgery. Don't worry. You got this, Jeff."

I just barely managed to say, "I'm David, not Jeff."

He said, "I know. I'm Jeff."
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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

Excuse me sir, how much have you had to drink tonight?

A cop waited outside a popular pub hoping to nab a drunk-driver.

At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk.

He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car.
...
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A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...
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A woman found out that her dog could barely hear,

so she took him to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. After cleaning both ears, the dog could hear just fine. The vet then told her, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog'...
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I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...
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A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is humbler, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable r...
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Pornhub was just banned in Arkansas, but there's a catch. Before you can gain access, you have to watch at least one video of dwarf MILF content.

That's the bare mini mum.

What's been in the works for 7000 days and has barely made any progress?

Me
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This is my absolute favorite "so bad it's good" joke

A man went to the doctor with a horrible itch in his ass. After an examination, the doctor gave him his diagnosis:

\- You have an enormous tapeworm in there. This is not a matter of normal treatment, so my advice to you is to insert a boiled egg in your anus followed by a gummy bear. Call me ...

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The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a cr...

On a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood bar, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.



After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of ot...
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So there's this guy that moved into an African village...

He finds the locals aren’t accepting him because he hasn’t passed the initiation ceremony.

To be accepted, he has to drink three jugs of the local booze, have sex with the first woman he finds and then kill a lion with his bare hands.

He drinks the three jugs, gets obliterated and stu...

My girlfriend sounded happy while she was breaking up with me over the phone, but I could barely hear her because of the bad reception.

I guess you could say she was ex-static.
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