To sum up healthcare in America

An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500."

He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front lawn.

A week pas...

I know a guy who was obsessed with summing numbers

It was an addition

A high school senior visits a psychic...

"I've applied to 10 different colleges," the student said. "Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?"

"That is hard to say," said the psychic. "But you will spend an absurd sum of money."

"How do you know this?" the student asked.

The psychic replied,

"It's mo...

The Battle of Three Kingdoms

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The barten...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is touring a hospital to see how they operate before potentially donating a large sum of money

The director giving him the tour is taking him around and showing him all of the different rooms. As they’re walking, they run into a man who’s masturbating. The director apologizes to both the masturbating man as well as the potential donor. Once they are out of the room, he explains that the man h...

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

What did they call the guy who sold several fashionable hat companies for an incredibly large sum of money?

A multi-milliner.

Hank the Cowboy

May not be super funny, but this joke makes my brother heave a little.





For years, Hank worked his corner of the old west frontier by himself. He'd sell his goods to people heading west and collected a good sum over time. Hank was notoriously tight fisted with his money. He was...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wish -

### A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.


“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.


The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.


“How mu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The son of a bitch

Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...

"2+5, the son of a bitch is 7"

"3+6, the son of a bitch is 9"

His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"

"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"

Mom: "Is t...

This sums up the 90s

90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99 = 945

A man is eating at his local dumpling shop.

The waiter comes over and asks if everything is OK with his meal today. "Meals wonderful! But these lights are so bright" he says.
Waiter asks "would you like us to turn them off?".
Man says "No, but maybe Dim Sum."

I recently came into a large sum of money.

It was great until the shopkeeper said he wouldn't accept my sticky bills.

This next bit pretty much sums it up

It + up = Itup

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just realized the fight between obi wan and Anakin perfectly sums up the past year of fighting between Millenials and Boomers, respectively.

When Jedi business becomes too real.

---------------

Millenials: You have allowed this giant turd to twist your mind, until now, until now you've become the very thing you swore to destroy.

Boomer : Don't lecture me, child, I see through the lies of the libtards I do not fear t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently left my job after I came into a large sum of money.

Or as the bank tells it, I was fired for ejaculating in the safe.

What did the sum say to the plus sign?

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

So apparently an Olympic downhill skier was injured so many times she donated a huge sum to the local hospital's critical care unit.

Of course they called it the Picabu ICU.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man gets the call from the IRS

The man on the phone says, “we’ve noticed large sums of money coming in and going out of your account constantly and we gotta get this straight. Come in tomorrow and we’ll have a chat about this.” The old man thinks for a while and then decides he better get his lawyer to come with him.

The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man inherited a massive sum of money from his great aunt, but it came with a catch...

As part of the terms of the inheritance, he was required to care for her cherished grey parrot. The executor told him if anything should happen to the bird, or if he ever chose not to take care of it, he would have to forfeit the inheritance and estate.

At first, this seemed simple enough, bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old man and the IRS

There was this old man in his 80's, that got a letter from the IRS telling him to contact them immediately.

He calls and the IRS agent and is told he needs to come to his office regarding some irregularities with his account.

The old man thought about it and decided he should bring h...

Another Lawyer Joke

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt lik...

If I had to sum up H. P. Lovecraft with one adjective it would be...

cyclopean

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way...

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called R. Jokes Communications.

After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright.

But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and qui...

"The person who answers this last question gets to leave early" said the teacher

"Now what is the sum of three and two, multiplied by the square root of 6 " the teacher asked.

The class began scribbling furiously. All except for Bobby. Bobby raised his hand and the teacher called on him.

"5" answered Bobby confidently. He began to pack up his things and walk to th...

A horse walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a triple whisky."

The bartender says to the horse, “Are you an alcoholic?”

The horse replies, “I don’t think I am.” The horse promptly vanishes into thin air.

Now, that joke was a play on the classic proposition “Cogito ergo sum”, or “I think, therefore I am.” If this was to be explained at the start of...

I can sum up 2016 in four words

Two thousand and sixteen

I was listening to my son do his math homework at the kitchen table

And then all of sudden he said 3+6 the son of a b !tch is 9, and then he said 2+5 the son of a b!tch is 7, so I said, what are you saying, son?! He said, but my teacher she showed us how to do Math and that's what she said...so just to make sure I was like, OK go on. He said 2+2 the son of a b!tch i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sum bitch

Two alter boys are fishing on a dock. One of the boys gets a bite and struggles to reel him in. When he finally gets the best of the fish, he snatches him up and proclaims to the other alter boy "Look at this big sum bitch!" The other alter boy says "You can't say that you're an alter boy" to w...

Cogito ergo sum.

Incognito ergo cum.

I almost had a three sum last night!

Just needed two more people.

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discre...

This joke pretty much sums up the past 5 years

2013+2014+2015+2016+2017

I've been trying to sum up the courage to ask out my crush.

I've gotten to the point where I can now look into her eyes and not be nervous!

Next step: Do it without binoculars.

When I was younger I couldn’t wrap my head around infinite sums

But now it all adds up

If you sum up the 90s...

you get 945

I recently came into a large sum of money

Most of which was used to pay my court fees for when I was charged with jacking off in a bank vault.

I can sum up 2016 in one word...

Nine.

United Airlines pays "enormous sum to Dr. Dao who they dragged of plane"

Largest bill for Chinese take out to date

To sum up Trump's 100 days...

(unintelligible)

The legend of the three kingdoms

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake.For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lke.One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires.

The ni...

Why was the dim sum restaurant condemned?

They had a wonton disregard for safety.

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, ''I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your child...

Everything in the universe can be summed up into two categories

Hot dog and not hot dog.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even thoug...

What do Smash Mouth do in Physics class?

Sum bodies

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.


The kingdoms ...

Hear are sum morre punny science jokes

How often do I tell chemistry jokes? Periodically.

Is Silicon the same in English as in Spanish? Si.

The last time I told a chemistry joke there was no reaction.

Chemistry puns Im in my element.

What do you do with a dead chemist?
Barium

Ion-estly cant think of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Top 3 most unattainable liquids in the universe

3. Extracted deathstalker scorpion venom, costing no less than $39,000,000 per gallon. Truly an enormous sum, even for the wealthiest of wealthy.

2. The wine from the holy grail, necessitating a hazardous journey to both life and limb, and discernable only to the purest of heart.

1. *T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have a job offer for you, and I will pay you huge sums for it. All you have to do is tie up my poop

I shit, you knot

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy was doing his math homework and practicing out loud, “Two plus six, that son of a bitch is eight...”

Three plus seven, that son of a bitch is ten."

Hearing what he was saying, his mother asked him what he was doing. He answered that he was doing his math homework.

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" she asked her son to which he replied yes.

Infuriated, the m...

Mr. Lee Sum Wan and Mr.Sori

Sam Wan: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Mr. Sori: Yes, you could speak to me.

Sam Wan: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Mr. Sori: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Sam Wan: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Mr. Sori: I know you ar...

There were once three square kingdoms on different sides of a triangular river.

One night, the king of the first kingdom invited all the people of all three kingdoms over to the castle to celebrate his daughter’s 18th birthday. All the people of the kingdoms were enjoying themselves, until an argument between the three kings broke out between whose daughter was the most beautif...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A millionaire dies and leaves a large sum of money to the hospital that treated him so well before death...

Upon completion of the new wing bearing his name, the widow was invited for a tour. The chief of medicine himself escorted the widow explaining the various parts of the facility as they went.

As they passed, the widow glanced into a room and gasped in shock. Through the open door she saw a p...

The Island Joke.

There was an island with three kingdoms on it. Let's call them A, B and C. The island had a fresh water lake on it and the lake itself had an island. The three kingdoms always kept fighting over this island.

One day the three kingdoms decided to settle this dispute once it for all and sent sm...

How do you call a sum of gnomes?

You call them Polygnomes.

Not all math jokes are hard

Just sum

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an unlucky man,

Who got only one testicle.

He got on an airplane once. The airplane broke down mid-air. Somebody had to jump out. They drew lots to decide who is going to jump. Unlucky man was chosen.
He didn't accept, so they drew again and chose the unlucky man again. He didn't accept this too. They cho...

Which Netflix show best sums up America today?

Orange Is the New Black.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The whole Greek Mythology could be summed up in one line............

"Unfortunately, Zeus was feeling a bit too horny."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was born with three testicles..

and had the habit of always make the following statement to any other man he encountered: *"You know that if we sum your balls and my balls, the total would be five?"* Almost everyone was kind of intimidated by this. One day he was riding an elevator and a small, skinny guy entered it. Feeling the u...

Doctor's Affair

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replie...

Far off, in a distant land, there were three kingdoms.

Each kingdom had faced a side of a triangular lake. The first kingdom was the youngest, and wealthiest kingdom. They have the most business, biggest buildings, and the strongest military.

The second kingdom, is about 50 years older than the first. They aren't the wealthiest, but they are wel...

The past few days summed up

Pepsi: We just pulled the worst PR stunt of the year.
United Airlines: Hold my beer.
Sean Spicer: LEEEEEEEEEEROY JEEENKINS.

Summing up things about this year

2015: I am officially THE WORST YEAR EVER!



2016: Hold my beer.

Mr. And Mrs. Wong

Mr. And Mrs. Wong had a kid. But the kid was born white.
Mr. And Mrs. Wong was confused because two Wongs don't make a white.
So they named the kid "Sum Ting Wong"



(Translated from my dialect)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke my dad sent me today but I translated it to English

Jack was bored out of his mind in the classroom on a friday afternoon, as were many of his friends. The teacher noticed this and came up with a small challenge to get their attention back to her.

"Alright, class. I tell you a famous saying and the first one to tell me who said it doesn't hav...

Once upon a time in a far away land...

There's a triangular lake, with three kingdoms on each side of the triangle.

The first kingdom is very rich, and the people are content. It has a very competent army, with a squire for every knight, and a total of twenty thousand knights. There is no hunger in the land.

The second kin...

How do you sum up a cashew?

In a nutshell!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr Simpson owned a high end clothing store.

One day, just around closing up, a pretty young woman walks in, browses for a bit and ends up staring at a very expensive designer dress standing proudly in the centre of the store.
Mr Simpson notices, quietly walks up beside her and says 'it's a beauty, isn't it?'
She glances at him, sighs ...

What did the redneck say about the Chinese dumpling house?

Dim Sum good dumplings!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.