People who talk to their dogs are just plain stupid...

Saw a couple today talking to their husky. Intelligent dog, don't get me wrong, but do they seriously think he understands everything he is told? I came home and told my cat all about it, we laughed our asses off!

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them we...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

While waiting in line at an ice cream shop an elderly woman orders a plain chocolate cone.

The man behind the counter said “we’re out of chocolate today but there are other flavors with chocolate in them, what would you like?”

She again attempts to order plain chocolate. The man repeats “Ma’am we’re out of chocolate today but there are other flavors with chocolate in them, what wou...

Poaching defenseless, innocent wild animals is just plain wrong

They're much better roasted.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a salesman travelling across the Great Plains on a stormy afternoon

Seeks shelter in a small town. He goes into the only restaurant he can find and asks the owner if he can have some food and a bed for the night.
Owner: Sure, good man we have good food and you can stay the night.
Salesman: Great and can I also buy love?

Owner: Hmm, we are a small town b...

A small, plain looking guy is sitting by himself in a bar.

All evening girls walk up to his table, talk to him for a bit and then they both head out the door and come back 30 minutes later.
Another guy, getting no action at all, beckons over the bartender and asks if he knows what the guy's secret is.
"Beats me" says the bartender. "All he does...

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

A plane crash survivor was asked how he survived the plain crash

Survivor: Luckily I fell on a fat lady and she cushioned my fall
Interviewer: What?! You fell on a fat lady?
Survivor: Yeah.
Interviewer: Did she survive?
Survivor: No, but you shouldn't feel bad. She was a cannibal.
Interviewer: What? How do you know that?
Survivor: Well, when I f...

Terrorists now have a brand new state of the art weapon that can be hidden in plain sight

The Galaxy Note 7

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm so upset that all the dad jokes on this sub are reposts or just plain shit, there's no originality.

"Hi, so upset that all the dad jokes on this sub are reposts or just plain shit, there's no originality, I'm dad."

What's the difference between a man in plain clothes riding a unicycle and a man in a tuxedo riding a bike?

Attire

The best pizza I ever had was just a plain dough base

Nothing topped that.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three explorers are walking in the plains when a group of Native American hunters find them.

The Native Americans bring the Explorers back to their chief.
CHIEF: You are all on our territory. We will need compensation for the time we have wasted capturing you. You each need to bring back 10 fruits to me and I will let you free.
The first explorer comes back with 10 apples.
CHIEF: N...

I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea.

He said he can't complain.

I suffer from a mental condition where I am unconciously forced to ask for food in the wrong sequence, and sometimes I just plain ask for things that aren't on the menu, anyway...

It's a this order disorder disorder disorder.

(Dirty) The cavalry were riding through the plains with their Native American guide.

The Indian gets off his horse and puts his ear to the ground. He looks up at the captain and says " Buffalo come " . The captain is astounded and asks " Can you really hear buffalo from here? The Indian replies "NO, side of face all sticky!"

Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the plains

When Tonto stops suddenly, climbs down, and puts his ear to the ground.

Lone Ranger waits a few minutes, then asks Tonto, "What is it?"

Tonto said, "Buffalo come."

Lone Ranger asks, "How can you tell?"

Tonto replied, "Ear sticky."

What kind of pizzas did Al Qaeda deliver to the World Trade Center?

Two large plains.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A buffalo is ruminating in the middle of the great plain...

as he observes a small white rabbit getting nearer and nearer.
The rabbit stops right in front of his face.

*"get the hell out of my way, you big ass imbecile!"* the little rabbit yells. The buffalo just ignores him.

The rabbit goes on yelling.
*"are you stupid, other than ugly? ...

A cowboy is riding across the plain one day,

when he sees an Indian chief laying on the ground with his ear pressed firmly to the earth. Never having seen this before, the cowboy says "Hey chief whatcha doin there." The chief in broken english says "Ugg, buffalo come." The cowboy says "That's amazing chief, how can you tell?" The Chief reply...

Two cowboys were riding their horses through the plains when they saw an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground.

See that Indian? One of the Cowboys said. "He can hear everything that's going on for miles around."
They rode up to him, and the Indian said, "white pickup. Four people in the front, six in the back. Big party."
"Wow" the other cowboy said. "You can tell all that from just listenin...

What is it called when you give money to a plains bison?

A buffaloan!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The eel shop

A Japanese laborer was so poor he couldn’t afford any side dishes and ate only rice. At lunch he would take his bento box and sit behind an unagi restaurant. Before each bite he would inhale the delicious smell coming from the restaurant and then put the plain rice into his mouth.

After a co...

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My Favorite Joke, The Voice.

So a man is at work. He has a good and stable job but hates it very much. One day while he is at work a voice comes to him and says, "sell your house take all of your money and go to vegas". He shrugs the voice off and keeps working. The next day he goes to work and the voice comes to him again ...

The Tea Party

Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea' (really just plain water).


He praised her good 'cooking,' so she brought him...

The year is 1944. The Americans are advancing fast. Adolf Hitler is furious and starts to listen to defensive tactics proposed by his commanders...

The first commander suggests they pull out the tanks from the Eastern front and deploy them in the Western front, so that the defenses there would be hard to go past.

"Are you crazy? That's a horrible idea!" Hitler exclaimed.

The second commander steps in and suggests a horrible idea f...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

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The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again. The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the Pastor not to e...

What's the difference between lust, love, and just plain showing off?

Spitting, Swallowing, and gargling.

A man joins the French Foreign Legion...

During the training, they spend all their time in the desert. Nothing but desert day after day, week after week, marching up and down dunes and across flat yellow plains.

Eventually one of the men starts sobbing. Another man turns to him and asks what is wrong.

"I joined the Legion to...

What pizza did the twin towers order?

Two plains

A pastor and and an airline pilot meet St Nick at the Gates to Heaven. The airline pilot is first to approach the saint

Peter: Name and profession please

Pilot: John Williams, Ryanair pilot.

Peter: *riffles through a massive book* John Williams...John Williams... umm... ah yes!

Peter: clicks his fingers and a beautiful silk robe and ornate golden staff appear out of thin air.

Peter: please...

The cheerio wanted to go to prom with a honey nut cheerio

A plain Cheerio wanted his prom date to be a beautiful Honey Nut Cheerio, the Cheerio asks the Honey Nut Cheerio to the dance, the Honey Nut Cheerio rejects and says "I only date Honey Nut Cheerios". A farmer approaches the now saddened Cheerio and tells him "Do some work on my farm and I'll turn yo...

There were two pretzels walking down the street...

one was a plain, the other was a salted.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man visits the welfare office.

"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a...

I keep hearing about all these battered women...

All these years I've been eating them plain.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If liberals are libtards...

Doesn’t that make republicans just plain ole retards?

Insert joke here

This Mexican guy comes riding up to the border on his bicycle with two big sacks over his shoulder, he tells the border guard the the sacks are full of sand, but the guard doesn't believe him. The guard detains the guy, then rips open the bags, nothing but sand, he even has the sand analyzed, only t...

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Two guys and a girl become shipwrecked on a deserted island...

but fortunately there is plenty of food and fresh water. Over the next few months, they build a little community: all three craft little huts out of sticks and leaves, and they fairly split up all the tasks and chores essential to their survival. They even build a little church where they go to pray...

My fiance told me that she would never marry me if I had anything on my eggs when I ate them

One day, when I thought she was out for work, I decided to toast an english muffin to go along with them. Apparently, she forgot something, and came back to get it, when she caught me in the act. "Baby, wait," I said, "I can eggs plain!"

What kind of bagel can fly?

Plain Bagel

The longest joke of all time

It is a dark and stormy night. A man, let's call him Markus, has been driving on a treacherous mountain road, when his car breaks down. He steps out of his car and opens the hood, hoping to find the source of the problem, but to no avail. Not wanting to sleep in his car, he decides to hike up the re...

African Horses

In a world of horse racing dominated by the West, a new super power emerged. South African jockeys were jockeys were completely dismantling their opponents despite riding lame horses and weighing 250 pounds. Their budget just wasn't high enough to afford high quality gear, but they were still beatin...

Woman goes to a doctor with a tampon lodged inside her...

Doctor: So how did this happen?

Woman: I don’t know, I mean I didn’t get them from the store as usual, I saw a special deal on eBay, a hundred boxes for $1!

Doctor: A hundred boxes for $1? Didn’t that sound suspiciously cheap to you?

Woman: Well I thought that too, so I checked...

The magician's Publicity Stunt.

I asked a magician for an \[OC\] joke to post on reddit. (Yes, I asked a magician and not a comedian, I don't know many comedians personally, sorry.)

.

Instead, I got a long winded story of his most popular magic trick. He probably made it all up, but here it is.

.

It w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Tale of Three Brilliant Brothers

Once upon a time, there lived a rich old man in a remote town. This old man had three sons who are among the smartest people of the century. One day, this old man fell extremely sick, and felt the inevitable is coming. He asked his sons to gather around his deathbed and wanted to talk to them for on...

What do you call jokes about 9/11 and why are they generally not funny?

Too plain jokes

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar

and really needs to shit. He asks the bartender to use the bathroom and is given directions. He walks in and sees a regular toilet and a gorgeous golden one. So the man plops down on the golden one and has the most glorious shit he's ever had.
The next day he goes into the same bar and does it ag...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Animals getting frisky

A father and son are standing on a hill looking out over a plain. Seeing a pair of animals getting intimate, the son turns to his father and says "Dad, why is that buffalo getting on top of another boy buffalo? Is it gay?"

The father turns to the son to admonish him.

"You shouldn't be ...

A farmer was walking into town to do some errands

He picked up the pail he'd left at the blacksmith for repairs, a brick he needed to repair a wall, and two chickens and a duck he'd ordered to increase his stock. Carrying all this, as he was walking home, he encountered the schoolmistress, a thin, plain middle-aged lady. "Sir," she said. "I need to...

Albert Einstein, Issac Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek...

They play rock-paper-scissors to choose the seeker. A. Einstein is left so he has to be te seeker. He starts counting down from 10.

Pascal hides in a bush bearby, but Newton remains in plain sight. He draws a square with an area of 1m^2 and stays in it.

Einstein's countdown ends. 3.......

Wanted: One Night Stand

I’m moving soon and my room is really empty and lonely. I have a bed in my room and I am looking for one night stand. I prefer black, but a darker brown will do. I would also like it to be unique, not some plain night stand you would pick up from Walmart.

I told my doctor that I was unable to do all the things around the house that I used to do.

The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but found nothing wrong with me. When the examination was completed, I said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me" "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just very lazy." "Okay," I said , "Now give...

Helicopter flavored potato chips?

A guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?" The bartender shakes his head and says, "No, we only have plain."

Knock Knock Who’s there! Alex!

Alex who?
Alex Plain later!

Knock Knock
Who’s there!
Alex!
Alex who?
Alex the questions round here!

A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.

The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."

The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man's...

A friend calls his engineer friend

A friend calls his engineer friend. What are you doing? He asks. The engineer answers "I'm in the middle of the project hydro thermal behavior of porcelain glass and metals under a controlled high-pressured environment". I am not sure I understand, can you explain it in plain language?. And the engi...

Alcohol Free Beer

Is a lot like going down on your sister.
 
It tastes the same but it’s just plain wrong.

Guy meets a Girl on Tinder..

Both never showed their real photos on their respective profiles. They agree to meet up in a Starbucks. Guy says he will be wearing plain white tees, but wore a green shirt. Girl says she will be wearing a yellow dress and she did. Day of the meet up, guy sees the girl and is ugly as hell. The girl,...

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the toronto maple leafs were so bad at hockey the...

organization decided, 'ya know what, we got this group of guys here. great with their hands. lets just fuckin open a chain of pizzerias'.

Brilliant, I happened to be living in toronto at the time and wanted some za, called them for a plain cheez. & they couldnt deliver.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There is a rabbi that studied all the religions of the world. He had worked his whole life to experience them all....

He finally had studied and participated in all the world's religions, except for one. There was the small tropical island far away from civilization. This island, the Island of Trid, was populated by the local islanders, the trids. They an idyllic culture. Easy and peaceful living in harmony with th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The camel leg thief

Shaun is a tourist visiting a small town in the Arabian desert. He stops into a shop one day and when he's finished, he finds that his camel is missing its legs. Shocked, he approaches a bystander and asks if he saw who took his camel's legs. The bystander squints at him, looks at the camel, and say...

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The fruit bandits

Their is a plain crash, with three survivors.

All male, but they crashed on an unnamed island, in the Pacific.

As they crawl out of the wreck, and meet up.

They're met with bandits, who saw the plane and went to investigate.

The bandits wanted some entertainment, so they ...

What is a daleks favourite breakfast

Eggs, plain

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A politician walks into an ice cream shop

He orders 1 scoop of plain vanilla ice cream.
The employee asked him if he'd like some sprinkles.


Long story short, it took him 30 fucking minutes to answer yes.

Apparently There Was A Pizza Order On 9/11

..turns out it was just 2 large plains.

A couple with a 9 year old son are in their home...

A couple with a 9 year old son are in their home when the doorbell rings. Surprise surprise its an old friend they haven't met in a loooong time. So the wife and son immediately begin to prepare dinner in the kitchen for the guest while her husband entertains him in the living room.

Unfortuna...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman...

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman are trekking through the jungle together. They’re hacking down trees, killing leopards, and generally doing manly things.

All of a sudden, they are confronted by a group of natives, who grab the trio and drag them to their little village and tie them to s...

A bird named Chet

I heard this long ago and hadn't told it in years. Another bird joke I just read, combined with the date, suddenly jarred my memory. I've never written it so there's probably a better version out there, but here goes.

A guy goes to a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. He loo...

Apparently people don't like pictures of a Boeing 737

Maybe it's just too plain

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Magic dildo

For my line of work I have to travel a lot and my wife was okay with it at first, but after a while she started getting really lonely. I understood where she was coming from as I had become quite lonely going from hotel to hotel. Instead of letting something regrettable happen I told her let's go to...

An old Persian joke

Long ago, there lived a poor peasant in the Persian Empire. The man had, some years before, lost his luck. His wife died, his meager wealth ebbed further away, and the poor peasant was on the verge of starvation. Realizing his life was growing grim, he decided that he would find his luck out there i...

Worlds Smartest President

Trump, The Pope and little Joey are all on an airplane when the pilot comes running out of the cabin yelling the plain is going to crash!!! The pilot grabs his parachute and jumps out, Trump sees that there are only two parachutes left and exclaims " I am the smartest President and I need to live!" ...

Thematically kinda Halloween

Three vampires meet each other in a dark alley completely covered in blood.

1st vampire: Blah! Fellow night dwellers, see that plain with dead herd of cows over there? Yes, my work, is why I'm all bloody.

2nd: Weakling, see those 4 dead people in this alley? Totally sucked all their bl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy and his father are playing catch

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the
boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.


"That was a honey bee," his father said,"one of our friends, and for
stomping him you will do without honey for a week."


Later the boy saw a butterfly so ...

A man goes to find a Holy Knight of Trigonometry

His journey started after learning everything he could from his master, but he wanted to test his skills with one of the three knights. A long journey took him across plains, he had to climb dangerous mountains, sail across perilous seas, and even fly over a river of lava, flowing from a volcano tha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Native American's youngest son asked him a question

"Father, how did you get the inspiration for naming your children?"

The father smiled at him and replied, "Well, the moment that each of my children were born, I went outside the tent and the first thing I saw I named my child after. Like your brother, when he was born I rushed outside and sa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Rodeo

Two ranchers are sitting on a fence taking a break while their cattle eat when one looks at the other and says, "What's your favorite sex position?"

The other rancher looks at him and says, "I'm a pretty plain guy, missionary I guess. What's yours?"

"Mine? I like the rodeo," the firs...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 Tough Cowboys

Three cowboys are sitting around the campfire after a long day on the plains.

The first cowboy says, "I'm the toughest man in the west, I once took three arrows in my back and rode 2 days through Indian infested badlands to get help."

The second cowboy says, "Bah, I'm the toughest man ...

A very experienced man...

A man visits a house of ill-repute. He tells the woman, "I've seen everything and done it all. I need an experience I've never had before."
The madam summons a rather plain looking young woman and says, "This is Susan. She's for you."
The man seems unimpressed but resigns himself to the choice...

How did the heckawii indians get their name?

They split off from a larger tribe and fallowed a river, they walked for weeks and months until finally coming to a great plain, the Indian chief looked at the medicine man and said "where the heck are we?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jake goes to an auction and bids the highest on Dave's painting of a Horse eating grass.

The painting is to be delivered to Jake's house by next day.

Jake receives the painting next day and uncovers it. To his surprise, the so called painting is just a empty white paint board. There was no art on it.

Jake, paying $100,000 for the painting, panics and calls Dave to get some...